Fantasy Baseball Advice

Linguist, academic and all-around good guy with a lot of free time on his hands, David Crystal says there’s been no definitive research on how many people are actually laughing out loud when they type out el oh el  (Thanks, Wikipedia!).  I’m guessing the number is less than 50% and the number of people actually rolling on the floor laughing when they type that dopey acronym is far less.  I bring this up to impress on you the amount of things read on the internet that turn out to be false.  With all that said (and it was a lot, wasn’t it?), the internet tells me the Yankees are going to promote Jesus Montero in the next couple of weeks.  If you read that and no streamers or balloons fell from the ceiling, then pull the rip cord harder.  In keeper leagues, he should be owned already.  If he’s not, I’m assuming you’re in an NL-Only league or a mixed league filled with atheists.  Back in February, the two thousand and eleventh year of Jesus Montero’s call up, I gave him the projections of 20/5/30/.290 in 100 at-bats.  Still sounds about right.  I’m a God, mortal!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Day-to-day with a sprained shoulder.  That sounds like nothing for a guy who plays through injuries and just lives and breathes the game like he’s Luke Appling or some other old timey player.  Unfortunately, that’s not Hanley Ramirez.  My guess is he’ll miss at least five to seven games.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 2 homers.  Hmm… I feel like I heard about him somewhere recently…Something about how you should pick him up…Oh, I know.  I wrote it yesterday.  I’m a genius, even if I need the spellchecker to spell genius.

Jason Isringhausen – Screwed the turkey, or whatever that cliche is, yesterday for the second day in a row.  Give Bobby Parnell, who sounds like a character Don Cheadle would play, the closer job.  Sure, Parnell hasn’t been great, but at least he has a potential future.  What do you have to lose?  More games?  You can only lose one game at a time, which sounds like something Casey Stengel once said.  BTW, he really got the short end of the “That guy has the greatest quotes” stick compared to Yogi.

Johan Santana – Felt discomfort and is having his shoulder examined.  Maybe the Mets can trade Johan’s shoulder for Chipper Jones’s lower back.  Assuming they both pass through waivers.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He only gave up one hit… A homer to Desmond Jennings!  Don’t you love when I work Desmond Jennings into other players’ blurbs?

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his first homer since, like, when the U.S. gave Canada its independence.  Though I’m no history buff.  “Take hockey, ‘eh’ and weird police outfits.  Leave the Mckenzie brothers.”  That’s me at the Treaty of Vancouver.

Yunel Escobar – 1-for-3 with his tenth homer, and his first since June 30th.  Tends to hit a few after he gets one, so look for him to tack on.  Not tacky though, like that bald guy on Design Star.  What, I’m the only one that watches HGTV?  C’mon, three lady readers, where are you?

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks and wasted a Desmond Jennings’ homer.  See?

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run.  Has been so nonexistent for so long, I kinda thought he retired from baseball and opened an emu farm selling giant eggs.  Hopefully, if there is a God besides Jesus Montero and Jesus Guzman, Ian Desmond will get hot.

Michael Morse – 2-for-5 with his 18th homer.  Dash-dash-dot.

Derek Lowe – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Can’t spell Derek without reek.

Jose Constanza – 2-for-4 as he started in place of Heyward.  A’la George Costanza, “FREDI!”  Would’ve been awesome if Constanza would’ve went into the dugout between innings, then when his name was announced to bat, if he would’ve ran out with no shirt on. This Heyward/Constanza shituation is worth monitoring.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Constanza for steals.  He did steal 49 bags in Double-A and 23 this year in Triple-A in only 86 games.

Chris Davis – 2-for-5 with his first home run for the Orioles, or the Orange Birds as no one calls them.  If you need to catch lightning in a bottle with power, Davis could provide it.  The preceding was brought to you by Bill James’ beard.  No, not that definition of beard.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Earl Weaver could’ve managed the shizz out of this team.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, and his 16th homer and 5th steal for the nourishing slam & legs.  Tellin’ ya right now (as if that’s not obvious), it’s gonna be hard to figure out where to draft Boesch next year.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  His July (.197, no homers) kinda smelled like an old man’s fart, but every other month he’s been usable.

Edgar Renteria – 1-for-4 with a home run.  I’m not proud to tell you this, but I picked him up in one league where I was hurting for a middle infidel.  Sometimes trades give players a boost in the arm.  And sometimes you need a booster shot in the arm if you have the Renterias.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t care, I wouldn’t pick him up.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  How dare you steal the thunder from the arrival of Ryan Ludwick! Assuming you can make sure Jones never sees a lefty on your fantasy team, he might be worth a look.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5 and two homers as the Pirates pitching staff decided to suddenly regress to what they should’ve been all year.

Kyle Kendrick – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Somewhere, Joe Blanton, “That could’ve been me!  I swear!”

Troy Tulowitzki – Left the game after hurting his pinkiewitzki.  Should be fine to go tomorrow.  Hopefully, since his fantasy owners paid top dollar for his final two months of production.

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Extremely solid start following his no-hitter.  Also, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 20th home run yesterday.  I get the feeling he’s going to take a big step forward next year.  Assuming the Sciosciapath doesn’t bench him for an Izturis, an Aybar or a Mathis.

Jason Kipnis – Now has three straight games with a homer.  “Why didn’t I pick him up?”  That’s you after you see someone else in your league grab him.

Phil Hughes – A complete game shutout! (Okay, the game was rain shortened to six innings, but whatever.  Final thirds are overrated.  I would’ve loved Inglourious Basterds without the final third.)

Matt Holliday – Hit his 16th homer and got his first steal.  See, just needed a little razzing.  BTW, do something, Pedro Alvarez!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer.  Or as you say his name in German, Au Shit!

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs Latos (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks) as the two offensive powerhouses, Dodgers and Padres, met in Petco.  Luckily, someone scored and this game didn’t need to be decided with a game of duck, duck, goose.

Mike Adams – 1 IP, 1 ER.  If there’s no Padre fans, is there still derisive laughing when Adams gives up runs?  Ponder that after three bong hits.

Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.”  So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz.  Let’s start with Colby.  Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)!  Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench.  I’m sure Colby will be empathic.  “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.”  That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time.  Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way.  Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction.  Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada.  His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade.  Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it.  Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat?  I’m not entirely sure.  His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24.  All of his good years have come in the AL.  Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle.  In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.

Octavio Dotel – To the Cards.  I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.

Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield.  I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus.  Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs.  That looks pretty yawnstipating to me.  As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse.  Speaking of which…

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto.  Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.

Mark Teahen – Was traded too.  So he’s still in baseball?  Good for him.

Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.

Carlos Beltran – To the Giants.  Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral.  Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy).  Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.

Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted.  You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Will now be the guy to replace Beltran.  It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song!  The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing.  The negatives:  he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs.  In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.

Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17.  That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised.  I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This trade deadline story made me giggle.  The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano.  “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano.  No, thank you!”  Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”

Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage!  But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.

James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne.  Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.

Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau.  Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year.  How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?

Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year.  His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever.  If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already.   The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear.  Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center.  In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed.  He’s just a’ight.  I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.

John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there).  Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.

Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second.  You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him.  My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Justin Upton – 2 homers.  He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist.  You know, the one that frosts his tips.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137.  Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.

Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He really seized the day.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs.  Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July.  That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN.  You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?

Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.

Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits.  After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July.  What an odyssey for Hosmer.

Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row.  When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.

Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”

Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday.  The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say?  Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game.  See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.”  With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do.  Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.

Jack McKeon’s got a word for players like Hanley Ramirez — lollygaggers.  For 5 years, Hanley’s been riding the crest of natural ability.  As I’ve said before about Hanley and Manny, insouciance doesn’t age well.  Think about the hot girl who got all the guys in high school then lost her looks ten years later.  She never had to develop a personality and, now at age thirty, she’s screwing guys in the bathroom of some bar with sawdust on the floor and hoping they’ll adopt her two kids, Bob Jr. and Bob Jr. Jr.  Hanley is a hot girl with no personality.  Notice how I said is, not was.  He’s only 27 years old, and I don’t think he’s done yet.  He’s never hit below .300, his HR/FB% is way off his career rate, he’s still stealing bases and he’s getting unlucky with balls hit into play.  I don’t think his end of the year numbers are gonna look good at all, but he could easily hit .350 the rest of the way with a 12/12 2nd half.  If you can get him for fifty cents on the Washington, I’d do it.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonny Gomes – Gomes is a mnemonic for Great Outfielder? Meh. Eerie Superior to other outfielders for a short period of time?  Yeah.  Okay, so not the best mnemonic.

Jason Bay – He’s been on absolute fire!  *fast, side effect for a medicine commercial voice*  I don’t trust his power, speed or average.  He’s gotten old — fast.  And, if he were anyone else but a guy that once hit 36 homers, we probably wouldn’t even pay attention.  If you have an erection longer than 24 hours after picking up Bay, see a doctor.

Garrett Jones – Robot’s not hard-wired to hit lefties so you have to bench him.  But Apollo Creed couldn’t get at lefties either, even with a snowball, and he did all right (until he was killed by Drago.)

Alex Presley – A Buy with two Pirates and one former in the first four names?  That’s the Jeopardy question to the answer, “How do you make Razzball readers yawn?”

Cameron Maybin – It’s funny, by which I mean it’s not funny at all, some players I love when they’re prospects then when they actually start playing I realize their upside is most players’ downside.  That’s so Maybin!

Desmond Jennings – According to the hash marks on the inside of my cave, Jennings will be called up within the next week or so because of his Super Two status.  Now, excuse me, while I make dinner for me and my volleyball.  (BTW, Jennings has been a Buy for like three weeks in a row.  Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!)

Eric Thames – Lotta borderline outfielders this week.  Or as I like to call them, bored-er line.  Wocka wocka wocka!

Mike Napoli – He’s due back on monday, so that means two things:  1) Now’s the time to grab Napoli. 2) Monday’s the time to grab his Mom.  “No, Ms. Napoli, I’m not drinking pineapple juice for any particular reason.”  Then we’d laugh and probably discuss Napoli’s playing time.

Geovany Soto – He’s hitting for the first time all year, but on a different note — is it me or is Geovany Soto wearing makeup?  Was he on the way to the theater to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Daniel Murphy – Here’s a Cust Kayin’ for you.  For the season, Murphy’s been more valuable Billy Butler (unless your league counts Moob Size).

Lonnie Chisenhall – Just went over my Chisenhall fantasy.  I wrote it while playing Angry Birds on my iPhone while riding on the back of an ostrich.

Chris Davis – Supposedly the Rangers are about to call him up again.  Aw, geez, now someone has to change Bill James’s sheets.  I’m done with Davis until he actually hits in the major leagues, but, if you’re hurting at corner infidel, go for it.  He has hit something like 30 homers in 20 games in Triple-A this year.

Yuniesky Betancourt – Has two homers and two steals in the last ten games… Eh, he’s terrible, but I just picked him up in one league and I’m trying to convince myself he’s decent.  Betancourt is decent!  Yeah, ain’t working.

Cory Luebke – May just be a hodgepadre, but it’s worth the flyer to find out.  What’s the worst that happens?  A 6 IP, 2 ER start?  Ooh, I guess you’re too good for that with your fancy jeans and Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Javy Guerra – Bastardo has three saves this year and he’s been the closer for like a minute — and that’s not an Urban Dictionary minute which is actually a long time.  So, really who’s the bastardo in this equation?  Guerra, that’s who.  Yet, he’s supposedly the closer, but if Mattingly threw Elbert in there for the next save, wouldn’t surprise me in the least.   Or is that would surprise me in the least?  Eh, I couldn’t care less.  Or is that could care less?

Antonio Bastardo – I think Charlie Manuel seriously considered Michael Stutes for the closer job, but he just had too much fun saying Antonio Bastardo’s name.  (BTW, Bastardo was the 666th word of this post.  We’re all damned!)

Vinnie Pestano – Chris Perez went to bereveament leave because his grandmother died.  We’re sorry for his loss and hope the days off give him time to mullet over what she meant to him.  Grab Pestano for some vulture saves.  Or just grab him because he’s been good.  His middle name should be Italy because he’s a VIP.

SELL

Adam Dunn – A few weeks ago I told you to sell him, as in trade.  I think that ship’s sailed about as well as the Titanic.  Depending on your leagues, it’s now time to just drop the Big Donkey Ass.

Jeremy Hellickson – His K-rate is just over 6 and his xFIP is 4.38.  In other words, blech and belch.  In other other words, see if you can still get something before things get worse.  (Feel free to ignore this advice in keeper leagues.  Assuming you do follow some of my advice.)

David Wright – “He’s due back within the next week!!!  Or two.”  That’s you talking to another owner in your league.  “Honestly, I can’t believe I’m giving you my first round pick for Lind and Daniel Hudson.  Maybe I shouldn’t play this fantasy baseball thingie — do you want me to throw in Aaron Hill?”  That’s you too, then you giggle like Lisa Simpson when she’s swooning for a boy.  This sell is called salvaging a rotten season from Wright.  He’s never been one to just rebound immediately after an injury and he’s dealing with a back issue.  So is he gonna steal knowing he’s gotta slide?  Is he going to have a setback?  Re-injure himself?  I wouldn’t trade him for a hard candy out of your grammie’s pocketbook, but I’d explore options.

Actually, the title’s completely inaccurate.  I don’t rock rough or anything with Aubrey Huff.  I think he’s one of the few players in the major leagues that I’ve never owned anywhere.   Sometime you gotta give me a call and let me know what it’s like to own him, loyal Razzball reader.  Um, yeah, my number’s listed.  Under mustache.  Speaking of which, is there anything sadder than the people who call you to see if you got a Yellow Pages?  Not only am I not sure why they still make Yellow Pages, but calling to find out if I got it?  Really?  Are they calling from 1987?  Hey, go see the movie Wall Street, it’s great!  So, Aubrey Huff hit three homers and drove in 6.  In the last two games, four homers.   It’s terrific, but I still think he falls way short of last year’s numbers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Paul – 4-for-5, 2 steals (and attempted a third).  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man. He failed to catch on with the Dodgers then they went with Jay Gibbons, Jane Goodall’s favorite player, but now he’s getting a “kinda” look in Pittsburgh.  He also likes long walks on a beach and juggling oranges.  Sorry, I pulled that from his Plenty of Fish profile. (BTW, That site name is really close to Plenty Oafish, which could describe some of the men on there.  Am I right, three lady readers, or am I right-right?)  Paul looks like he could swipe 20 bags with full-time duty (hehe, I said duty) and hit 10 home runs.  In other words, a poor man’s Angel Pagan without a full-time job.  Yay, let’s stop traffic and let the Jabbawockeez dance.  Paul’s the kind of guy that can help win NL-Only leagues, but, unless he’s playing every day, I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.  Now if the Pirates decide to bench Tabata or Robot and Diaz then this new X-Man opens wide.

Garrett Jones – In trouble of losing serious playing time.  If it’s not the argh-forementioned Pirate, Matt Diaz got the start yesterday vs. a righty.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  In the 19 games since I told you to sell him after his 3 homer game, he has 7 runs, 1 home run and 8 RBIs.  718 is also the Mets area code.  Jayson Stark could write 2500 words on that significance and get Tim Kurkjian’s voice to crack multiple times.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 IP, 7 ER as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.

Lance Lynn – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You didn’t have to see the game to know that 4 baserunners and 5 runs means he got unlucky.  I’m not saying he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy, but I’m still holding out hope in NL-Only leagues.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 5th home run.  May be a day late on this but he’s a decent buy low candidate. Still plenty of time for him to get to 20+ homers and 15 steals.

Jim Thome – Headed to the DL.  Very suspicious that his injury stint comes at the same time as the 2011 Log Rolling & Straw Chewing Championships.

Jason Kubel – Also headed to the DL.  Before the Twins game, they raised their 7th pennant flag.  Wait a second, that’s not a pennant flag.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His Ks are way down this year — maybe Liriano is telling him to pitch to contact — but he still has a 1.14 WHIP and 3.61 ERA.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.

Michael Morse – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and now hitting .999* in the last month.   *Only a slight exaggeration.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Who fed this hodgepadre after midnight?

Chase Headley – Has a twelve game hitting streak but only 15 hits, 4 runs and 4 RBIs.  Snooze…BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK!  Whoa, onomatopoeia, you are annoying.

Brett Lawrie – Set to be called up today.  I already went over my Brett Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a piggyback ride from a Tongan woman.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now F-Her just needs to lower his ERA into the mid-2′s and me and him will be copacetic.

Carlos Peguero – Hit two home runs yesterday.  He showed good power in the minors, but he’s got K’s for days, as the kids say as said by someone who has no idea what the kids say.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4 with a delicious slam and legs that he smothered in hot sauce.  Better eat up cause he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell and it’s not on the right side which is to say it is on the right side.  Huh?  Yeah, you follow.

James Shields – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Sing with me to the tune of Spider Pig, “Schadenfreude, schadenfreude… Does whatever a schadenfreude does…”

Let’s all give Scott Sizemore a big “Welcome back.”  Well… Let’s give him a medium-sized “Welcome back…”  Screw it!  Let’s give him a quick “Hey” and a head nod like you give to your sister’s boyfriend that you can’t stand.  It’s not like he’s done all that much in his short time in the majors, but — and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but — who else are you rocking at your middle infidel spot?  Sizemore was hitting in the minors (.408/.495/.605 and 2 homers in 92 PAs).  It’s worth the flyer to see if he can translate minor league success to the majors.  Who knows?  Now that bin Laden’s listening to Gary Glitter’s Greatest Hits in hell, maybe Sizemore can get his bats through customs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Freese – He’s gonna miss nine to twelve weeks.  Or the same amount of time it takes to get a 4-year degree from the University of Phoenix.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could he win a Triple Crown?  Not unless we’re talking horse racing and he’s a jockey.  He’s 35 years old, hitting .406 and on pace for 50+ homers.  The bottom may not fall out until mid-May or June or July, but he’s gonna slow or get injured at some point.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-2, hitting .241 on the year.  Can someone double check that it’s not Nick Punto wearing Pujols’ jersey?

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s like Dave Duncan pulled out of his hat a dead rabbit.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in two days.  Wouldn’t shock me to see him hit 15 homers this month.  Doode is a mollywhopping, pony stick machine.

Tommy Hunter – His groin was cleared for a rehab assignment.  Hey now!

Nelson Cruz – 0-for-5, hitting .225.  When a guy who usually hits well or gets injured isn’t doing either, I get this sick feeling in my stomach that he’s going to get hurt and not even get his usual good hitting stats.  Though that sick feeling could be from the 7-month old cheese I found in my refrigerator.  I can’t resist Camembert!

Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and four unearned runs for the agita-inducing ticker shock.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run in his last three games.  If you wait until he shows up in Friday’s Buy/Sell, he may no longer be hot.  That’s from my typees to your eyes.  My typees are my fingers.  Please start calling your fingers typees.  Thank you.

Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run in the last three games.  Do I hear an echo?

Dallas Braden – Had a setback while playing catch.  Debbie Downer does Dallas.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-3, hitting .236 and a .278 OBP.  On a real baseball note, I’m surprised the Brewers are only 2 games under .500 batting Gomez 2nd in almost 100 ABs in the first month.  Though this will go against what I’m sure many of you think, but I’m not a brain surgeon.  Yet, I could tell you batting Gomez 2nd is idiotic.  How hard is it to fill out a lineup card?  “Let’s see… I think I’m gonna bat the guy with the .278 OBP second.  Oh, and what does OBP stand for again?”

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I love, love, love, love, LOVE when my entire fantasy staff has to dig my team out of a hole dug by my ace every week.  Speaking of a hole, yeah, that’s Gallardo.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  No Ks is usually than but no thans, but Jar-Jar’s dancing through the raindrops and not getting wet.

Alex Avila – Hit his 4th and 5th homers yesterday.  For those about to ask, I’d take Avila over Suzuki.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners.  This could be nothing but the reports in the Razzball comments yesterday said Valverde was struggling and had shoulder issues.  Benoit and Ryan Perry have been blech but are next in line.  I’d be very impressed if Leyland skipped them just because they’re pitching poorly (read: I don’t think it’s likely).  But if he does, we then have the coolest name since Ubaldo, Al Albuquerque, who sounds like either a cartoon character who is a cactus with eyes or a lounge singer.  Al Alburquerque has 16 Ks in 9 1/3 IP.  Yeah, that’s good.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4 with his 11th homer.  Member when I told you every day the first week of the season to pick up Soriano because he’s an April hitter?  Yeah, he still is and this isn’t gonna continue.

Jonathan Broxton – Got the save.  After the game, Selig announced Broxton is the closer.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 6th homer, is on fire and batting third.  Cust kayin’.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in Petco, which translates to 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. anyone else in any other stadium.

Aaron Harang – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This Harangutan couldn’t even get Jane Goddall’s nipples hard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 steals and one knee contusion.  He’s day-to-day which is better than minute-to-minute.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, but didn’t get the win because I own him.

Tom Gorzelanny – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.93 ERA and a 0.93 WHIP.  Pitching a tad over his head.  And by tad I mean a shizzton.

Sergio Santos – Picked up a one out save after Chris Sale entered the ninth in a 6-0 game and gave up 2 runs.  Santos is the closer right now and it could stay that way, even with Ozzie calling the shots.

Jenrry Mejia – Tear in his MCL.  Hopefully his 1151 is okay.