Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Mets doctors said Johan Santana would miss a start or two.  That was a year ago.  He’s still working his way back.  The Mets doctors said Jose Reyes would miss a weekend series in 2009, he missed three months.  The Mets doctors said Carlos Beltran would miss a game in 2009; it took him two years to come back.  The other day someone asked me for money for Doctors Without Borders so they could help people in The Congo.  Why isn’t there a lady in front of Whole Foods asking me to donate to find a cure for David Wright?  Because I sure don’t trust the Mets doctors.  Film a PSA with Chipper Jones and Julie Andrews and show that shizz before movies.  “I’m Julie Andrews.”  “And I’m Chipper Jones”  Both, “And David Wright needs our help.”  The Mets are saying Wright has a tear in his left side and Mets fans have a tear in their eyes.  Word on the street is Wright has a similar injury to Ryan Zimmerman’s last year when he missed two months.  The prognosis, if prognosis is the right word, is not good.  Wright is saying he can be ready by Opening Day.  I say great, terrific, other sarcastic word, I don’t want to draft him anywhere.  If Della Reese touches his bat while dressed as an angel and Wright gets 500 ABs this year, how good do you think those 500 ABs are gonna be?  Do you think he’s going to show power?  If 22 homers were the low end for his projections, I’d be surprised if he breaks 17 homers now.  What if when he slides, he feels pain in his side?  He’s not going to be stealing bases.  You see Wright there in the 5th round now, I say pass.  Yes, third base just got shallower.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Tweaked his knee badly and the Royals sent him for an MRI.  I liked Perez late in drafts, so I went looking around for updates on this injury and ended up at the Kansas City Star.  Their article started with this line, “The Royals awaited word Tuesday night on the status of their $7 million catcher.”  It was funny — and by funny I mean not funny at all — to me how that was the attention grabber in KC.  KC is fretting over seven million dollars that is over five years.  Yeah, parity is alive and well.   Well, whatever the case is, it’s bad news for Perez.  He has a meniscus tear and will need surgery.  As of this writing, there was no timetable for his return, but I’m guessing six to eight weeks.  I’d avoid him in all leagues.  Too bad, so sad.

Desmond Jennings – Collided with B.J. Upton and both needed to be carted off the field.  This is the worst B.J. related news since that girl with the braces… Well, you remember.  Jennings says he’s fine and should be back on the field in a day or two.

B.J. Upton – On the other side of that collision, Fellatio Upton took the worse of it.  Yet, he too says he’ll be fine after a couple of days.  He’s just dealing with general soreness.  General Soreness is his bodyguard.

Freddy Garcia – Hit with a comebacker.  He told A-Rod he slept with his ex, and A-Rod said, “Yeah, well, that ex was really a man!”  *checking notes*  Hmm, seems like he was hit with a different kind of comebacker, one off a bat.  The X-rays came back negative, which is actually bad news because it means he can keep pitching.

Tim Hudson – Cleared to throw a bullpen session, but will still be out until at least the first few weeks of the season.  Bring on Randall Delgado!

Bryce Harper – Told reporters that he doesn’t expect to make the club.  Then the next day, Nats GM Rizzo (not Anthony) told reporters Harper could still have a shot.  We have a Razzball exclusive as to what really went down.  Harper to reporters, “I’m not making the club.”  Rizzo to Harper, “We’re trying to sell frickin’ tickets to frickin’ fans to see frickin’ Nats games and you’re telling them you’re not playing?!  Shut your pie hole!”  Rizzo to reporters, “He’s still in the picture. We’re still early in the decision-making process.”  Riiiiiiight.  That’s seven I’s.

John Lannan – Mike Rizzo said he’s fielded several calls on Lannan, but are not shopping him.  He must’ve learned how to neg from The Game.

Chris Perez – Threw from 150 feet yesterday.  Looks like the Indians found a Grady Sizemore replacement.  It’s sounding more and more likely that Perez will be ready to go for Opening Day.

Lance Lynn – With Carpenter almost definitely maybe heading to the DL to start the season, Lynn looks to move his way into the rotation.  Out of the bullpen last year, Lynn’s fastball regularly touched the high-90′s as he put up a 2.22 ERA and 32 Ks in 24 1/3 IP.  As a starter, he was much less exciting (5.23 ERA, 8 Ks), but like a man who needs prunes that was in limited duty (10 1/3 IP).  From his minor league track record, we see a guy who has a 7+ K-rate and moderate control.  In NL-Only and very deep mixed leagues, I’d grab Lynn late to see if he can surprise in an early season role with the Cards.  There’s a chance for some sweet, sweet upside here.

Tyler Greene – Battling right now for the Cardinals’ 2nd base job with Daniel Descalso and Skip Schumaker.  Obviously, unless you’re in a deep NL-Only league, you stopped reading this blurb already.  Nothing gets people excited like the mention of Skip Schumaker!  Greene did well in Triple-A last year (14 homers, 19 steals in 66 games), but that’s probably because he was 27 years old, i.e., he was old to still be in the minors.  In 150 major league games, he’s hit .218 with 5 homers and 16 steals.  Best case scenario, we get a Baha Man year.  Most realistic scenario, there’s a three-way time share at 2nd.

Josh Hamilton – Jammed his heel.  For those that like things delivered in comic book form, Texas hero deals with wounded heel.  Rangers are saying this is the first of five dozen minor injuries Hamilton will endure this year, but he should be fine.

Aroldis Chapman – Pitched well yesterday in his bid to become a starter.  There’s only one catch, the Reds have five starters already.  They would need an injury to someone on their staff.  Popping his head in, Dusty says, “Did someone say we need a pitching injury?”  Okay, but if you’re drafting today, you’re drafting Chapman as a middle reliever.

Anibal Sanchez – Maybe you’ve heard me mention this brother with the name of a mother before.  Yeah, I love him and guess what?  He struck out 4 yesterday through two innings with no problems from his previously sore shoulder.  When I say boo, you say ya.  Boo…Ya…  (By the way, I think the Marlins might be watching a bit too much of The Voice.)

Juan Carlos Oviedo – Will report to camp this week.  No word yet when Leo Nunez is reporting.

Ryan Howard – Yesterday, Jimmy Rollins said he’d be surprised if Howard plays this year.  In related news, the team announced Rollins is out of the running for Director of Phillies Public Relations.

Brett Jackson – As expected, the Cubs announced that Jackson will start the year in the minors.  There’s no way Byrd, Soriano and DeJesus are all still starting in the outfield by July.  Worth noting in keeper and deep NL-Only leagues.  Earlier in the offseason, I went over my Brett Jackson fantasy.  I wrote it while watching Luck with the closed captioning on, so I could read what the hell Nick Nolte was saying.

Garrett Jones – Looks like he will be the starting 1st baseman for the Pirates vs. righties.  As I mentioned in the 1st basemen to target post, in deep, daily leagues, you can get some value there.  Or not.  For instance, “Hey, horse, here’s water.”  Horse, “Neigh.”

Jacob Turner – Going through a dead arm period.  The doctors weren’t sure what the problem was at first, then Haley Joel Osment said he saw Turner’s arm.

I almost didn’t write this post because I don’t think you should be looking for sleeper 1st basemen.  It’s a no-no that makes my no-no area shrink.  Then I got to thinking and then I started watching Chopped, then I took a nap, then I had a snack, then I remembered I was writing a post about sleeper 1st basemen, but forgot why I didn’t want to write the post in the first place so I wrote it.  Now, you should not target these guys for your 1st base slot, but you could fill your corner infidel or Utility slot with one of these guys.  But, whatever you do, don’t punt 1st base.  This is a supplement to the top 20 1st basemen of 2012 fantasy baseball. These are 1st basemen that I’ll be setting the ol’ crosshairs on at my 2012 fantasy drafts after the top options are gone.  These are guys that are currently being drafted after the top 200.  Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2012 projections.  Anyway, here’s some 1st basemen to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Sike!  Before we get into the post, we have a big announcement about the RCLs.  Okay, maybe not that big.  But kinda big.  No, we didn’t sell out to Kotex and will now be bringing you all the latest and greatest Kotex news.  Though I do hear Kotex makes a great product!  What, you like to be wet?  No, this isn’t about our podcast that will be arriving shortly.  (Our theme song is bizzonkers, seriously.  Like seriously, seriously.)  Our announcement is Rudy and I and a group of fantasy baseball ‘perts will be taking part in this year’s Razzball Commenter League (The RCL).  Funston — check!  Behrens — check!  Pianowski — yeah, we got more than just Yahoo bloggers.  Also, in the league are Eric Mack from SI.com, Dalton Del Don from Rotowire, Eno Sarris from Fangraphs, Brad Evans (okay, so we got a bunch of Yahoo guys), Tim Dierkes from MLB Trade Rumors and many, many more (well, maybe two more).

For what it’s Wuertz, we asked everyone at ESPN (whose email we had, which is quite a few) to participate but they all said no.  If you want to take to the streets and ‘occupy’ them, go bug the crap out of Matthew Berry on Twitter telling him to take part.  Mention how we’re sending them 40-plus leagues to ESPN that will all be going to Yahoo next year if they don’t pony up one ‘pert.

So, yes, you will be competing against the likes of us, and them and the other them that were already playing in The RCL.  If Rudy or I by some chance in H-E double hockey sticks were to win the whole thing, we’ll give the prize — A MEMBER’S ONLY JACKET! — to the runner up.  But if, say, Funston wins the jacket, I think he wants it.  Anyway, time is of the essence, if you want to compete against us, them and the other thems.  Sign up here.  Not in this post.

Mike Carp – You may ask yourself where is that upside 1st baseman?  And you may ask yourself where is the 30 homer potential?  And you may find yourself drafting Mike Carp.  And you may tell yourself this is not my beautiful 1st baseman, 30-homer upside potential!  And the days go by, wishing for more home runs.

Brandon Belt – I have Belt down for some astronomic projections.  Brandon Belt is my Chris Davis and I am his Bill James.  My projections buckle if Belt doesn’t get enough play. (I think that’s a pun point!)

Chris Davis – Speaking of the devil, I don’t have Chris Davis listed anywhere in my projections because I think he’ll probably cause more damage with his K-rate than he’s worth.  You know who has him projected for 20 homers and a .265 average?  Oh, c’mon, you don’t even have to ask.  Bill James’s sun rises and falls on his love for Chris Davis.  If Davis can get 450 ABs, he could hit 25 homers and .240.  To get 450 ABs, a lot would have to break right for him and he’d actually have to produce to force his way into the lineup on a regular basis.

Yonder Alonso – Yonder’s upside is Gaby Sanchez.  That’s not me giving him a compliment.  If he gives you that, then he’ll be a valuable late round flyer in NL-Only leagues while fluctuating between serviceable and yawnstipating in mixed leagues.

Bryan LaHair – He sounds like a wrestling jobber, and it’s not far off from his current value as a major leaguer either.  He’s a placeholder for Anthony Rizzo.  His best chance for fantasy value is having one Baha Man season before disappearing into oblivion.

Garrett Jones – Robot Jones didn’t make it in my top 300 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  If we were an NL-Only site, I’d talk about the beauty of The Robot.  But since I brought it up, what the hey!  If you’re in a deep daily league, you take someone like Jones, who does damage against righties and platoon him in and out of your lineup.  Last year, in 355 ABs vs. righties, he hit 14 homers, .262 with 5 steals while against lefties he had only 2 homers and hit .147.  Garrett Jones is the new Matt Diaz!

Lucas Duda – What’s the highest tone your voice can reach?  It should crack your voice a little Peter Brady-style you’re going so high.  Okay, now take that highest tone and say, “It’s Duda’s day.”  Now say it again and again until when asked any question by anyone you reply, “It’s Duda’s day.”  Now you’re crazy.  Sorry, but it shouldn’t have been that easy to make you crazy.  Duda has next to no speed, but might have an outside chance for 25 homers.  Don’t find yourself in September looking at him, mumbling to yourself shoulda coulda Duda.

I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint.  And now he’s on the DL.  Confession:  I’m a time traveler!  And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball.  To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back.  Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first.  Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck.  Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate.  Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement. So this is the announcement’s announcement.  The pre-nouncement?  If you’ve been around the last three Augusts for our announcements, then this shouldn’t come as that huge of announcement.  But act surprised anyway, would you please?  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jordan Lyles – Was sent to Triple-A.  Hope he gets one of their TourBooks.  They have so many great coupons!

Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  Bee tee dubya, he has 13 homers on the year.  Where does he get drafted next year? Fifth round?  Sixth?  Hasn’t been drafted that low since he started hanging out with his cousin.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 with a steal.  More importantly, he played even as A-Rod returned.  Though, I wouldn’t count on that continuing.  Jeter DH’d yesterday, but he won’t do that every day.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs.  Now has 35 homers and 24 steals.  Is he in the MVP conversation at all?

Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as Holland gave his owners a Dutch oven.

Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, has now hit in 6 of 7 games.  In one league where we lost Eli Whiteside (yeah, it’s a deep league; no, we didn’t get extra points for owning Whiteside because he sounds like herring), I added Flowers.

Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 25th and 26th steal.  He has no business stealing 26 bases, yet he goes out there and does just that for your fantasy team.  How sexy is he?  I want his swimsuit calendar.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  Hasn’t really gotten hot all year, and I still wouldn’t say he is now, but he is hitting near .333 over the last week.  That’s McOkayhee.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I haven’t given Hudson much fanfare this year, so here goes.  With a 3.01 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP, he’s been my most reliable starter on multiple teams and wish I owned him on every team, which is saying something since his Ks are pretty yawnstipating.  Thank you, Tim, for letting me love a non-strikeout pitcher.  Though, if you could ramp up the Ks, you’d be really awesome.

Adam Lind – Out with a sore wrist.  Should be able to return on Tuesday.  Canada waits.

Luis Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and 4 Ks.  Late-blooming southpaw that ran up against a good matchup yesterday vs. the A’s.  I wouldn’t look at him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  Could get some Ks, will probably get mollywhopped.

Frank Francisco – Scratched with a sore shoulder.  Well, stop scratching it!  Francisco has actually been decent recently, but if the shoulder’s a problem, it won’t matter.  Since Rauch is off seeing a giraffe doctor, Casey Janssen or Shawn Camp would see saves.

Rafael Furcal – Tripped over a rope and sprained his thumb.  He should’ve stuck with hopscotch.

Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, three this weekend.  This had to be more than just the wind blowing out at Wrigley.  I’m guessing the entire Molina family, including Alfred, was sitting behind home plate blowing.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Um, dubya tee eff?  Last week I joked that Cleveland should raise the mound a mile above sea level, but I joke when I don’t think there’s any reason to worry.  Now, I’m kinda troubled.   Or troubaldo.  If he gets beat badly his next time out by the peasant Royals, might be time to discard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out with a back bruise after being plunked.  Eric Plunk, “Someone owes me a nickel!”

Ryan Lavarnway – 2-for-4.  Playing DH (do you play it?) which has me concerned.  If he only DHs then only pinch hits when Papi returns, will Lavarnway lose his catcher eligibility going into next year?  Probably moot since the Sawx will most likely let him start 2012 in the minors.  Cust pondering.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 39th save.  Has 101 Ks, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP.  Member how Tony Gwynn used to watch hours of pitcher videos while eating donuts?  I think Kimbrel watched hours of a young Mariano.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners.  Huh?  I feel like the box score had a typo.

Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Great, wonderful, gronderful!  But he hasn’t been playing every day so you might need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup for right now.

Casper Wells – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer.  As all of Casper’s fans boo.  BTW, on Saturday I went to this karaoke place and this one guy was awful so I stood near the stage and started booing him.  Loudly.  He got rattled and started messing up the words (worse), so I booed louder.  I got a kick out of it, but apparently he didn’t.  He threw down the mic, shouted “Oh, that’s it!” and charged after me.  Luckily (for me and my mustache), three bouncers got to him before he got to me.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Before this game, I told someone in our fantasy baseball forums that I wouldn’t start Pineda again until he pitched well.  Well (stutterer!), this was a decent start.

Nick Blackburn – Left the game with a forearm strain.  Maybe it was straining to be a fivearm.

Ben Revere – 1-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with a steal.  SAGNOF!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  McDonald was then replaced by Grilli.  I prefer the McGriddli.

Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run as he continues to stay hot with his 2nd homer in the last five games.

Joel Hanrahan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Hanrahanananan is obviously strugglinginginging right now, but his season ERA is still at 1.76 so, ya know, don’t be ungrateful.

Carlos Quentin – Might end up on the DL with a sprained AC joint.  That sucks, humidity this time of the year is killer.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-5 with his third homer of the weekend.  I’m telling you right now, there’s gonna be a sleeper post about him sometime in January and I’m gonna go cacacuckoo for him again next year.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Corspinosa is alive!  He tends to be streaky so if he’s out there, I’d give him another chance if you’re hurting with your middle infidel.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 as he also homered yesterday.  It must’ve been Zombie Day in Nationals Park.

Seth Smith – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs.  If someone asked me what’s the bare minimum you should get from your fifth outfielder in a 12 team mixed league, I’d say look at The Lisper’s Nightmare’s stats.

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Honestly, I don’t trust him.  This start was vs. the Twins who have Plouffe, the guy who sounds like the noise a turd makes when it hits the toilet water, hitting second.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)

Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was lifted after a rain delay then Schwimer took over.  All I can say is thank God he’s no longer making movies.

Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with a groin injury.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see this be a DL stint since the Phils will just want everyone healthy for the playoffs.  As Jimmy gets older, maybe he should ease back a little to Strollins.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER on Friday.  Madson, the Phils already have one Bastardo in the bullpen.  Please.  Wasn’t used in a save situation on Sunday, which was then blown by Bastardo and followed by Lidge losing the game.  I think Madson will be fine, was just a big giant blip.

Matt Wieters – 6 for his last 12 and his 12th homer yesterday.  Pretty whatever season from him so far, but if he were to hit five homers in the last month plus, his season would still look a’ight with definite promise for next year.  He really needs a big last month though.  Either way, I’m still gonna go all in with him next year again, assuming he’s drafted late, which he should be at this rate.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Tigers.  On the Twins, Delmon was happy, but on the Tigers Delmon’s all about business.

Bobby Parnell – Mets said Izzy will see some saves still, but then Izzy went out on Sunday and gave up one run and on Saturday he gave up 4 runs.  They say the 301st save is always the toughest.

If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse.  You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this.  Are you reading this from beyond the grave?  Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball?  That’s awesome!  In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals.  He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true.  He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average.  He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount.  Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games.  That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper.  BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? A Man-Ram Ram-Ram — heyo!  Casilla could see saves, and Affeldt, and Ram-Ram.  Basically, anyone in the Giants bullpen may see saves.  I’d grab Ram-Ram first, only because he’s already got a save in Wilson’s stead.

Rafael Betancourt – He’s the closer right now.  If that’s the kind of thing that gets your goat, bleat bleat.

Chris Sale – The White Sox want to move Sale into a starting role next year, so, of course, Ozzie sends him out for some saves.  Santos is still their closer, but Sale will see some saves, depending on how long the time is between his blinks.

Bobby Parnell – He’s the closer in Metco because Izzy reached the who-knew-it-was-coveted 300 save plateau.

Frank Francisco – All SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?

Stephen Strasburg – I just wrote my Strasburg fantasy.  I wrote it while doing a body shot off your sister.  She likes mustaches.  Blame her.

Randy Wolf – I almost left the Wolfman off the list because I have so little faith in him.  He seems as likely to go eight innings in his start tomorrow vs. the Mets as he does going five innings and giving up four runs.

Wade Miley – In Triple-A, he had a 3.64 ERA and 56 Ks in 54 1/3 IP.  Yawn, Grey.  How about Miley sigh…Bust?  I understand, Random Italicized Voice, it doesn’t look good but that was in the hitter-friendly PCL.  Where the baseballs are made of helium?  Yes, I’d grab Miley in NL-Only leagues and watch in mixed.

Jesus Montero – What is that you’re feeding your horse, Apollo?  Hay, Zeus.  At some point, Montero is going to get called up and be a huge letdown because of all his freakin’ build up.  Should just start calling him The Phantom Menace.

Brandon Belt – He hit two homers the first day after his recall, since then it looks like he should be recalled in the other sense of the word.  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Lucas Duda – In the last seven Duda Duda days, he has two homers while batting .292.

Brandon Allen – The man who sounds like a furniture store has been hitting with the A’s and playing every day sofa, but to couch my comments I’m not sure it’ll continue.

Johnny Giavotella – Playing 2nd base for the peasant Royals and running like crazy, and by crazy I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Jimmy Paredes – Speaking of middle infidels that can get you steals, Paredes had 29 steals in Double-A (with a yawnstipating caught stealing percentage, but whatever).  He’s playing 3rd every day for the Astros.  Welcome to the Dominican Republican Paredes, My Chemical Romance.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist is hitting again as he did in the beginning of the season when he gave a little bit of everything except power and speed.

Ryan Raburn – “He’s hitting so much…”  Match Game audience response, “How much is he hitting?”  He’s actually hitting, that’s how much.  Remind me next year that Raburn’s big 2nd half isn’t a sign that a big 1st half in 2012 is coming.

Delmon Young – The other day I went over my Delmon Young fantasy.  I wrote it while applying deodorant in an Arby’s bathroom.

Peter Bourjos – If you were to hold Tabata and Bourjos’s season stats next to each other, it would be like Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill, which looks like it might be the worst comedy ever made by a non-Wayan.

Jose Tabata – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Garrett Jones – 41/14/46/.247/5 is his line so far this year.  That’s the line that, uh, draws the line between serviceable in NL-Only and mixed leagues.

Ben Revere – He has 21 steals so far this year and he’s hitting leadoff every day for the Twins, who need to run.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Revere get to 35 steals by the end of the year.  The steals are coming, the steals are coming!

Nate Schierholtz – He’s currently hitting, but, and maybe this is just me, on teams where I own Schierholtz, I have a hard time looking at my team with the lights on.

SELL

Michael Pineda - I love Ks as much as the next guy, potentially more, but at some point you gotta stop the bleeding.  Pineda’s ERA in July was 6.75 and it’s 6.55 in August.  He’s young, wearing down, yadda³.  We’ll grab him again next year, don’t worry.

Carlos Beltran – People are dropping Beltran like Pat Burrell drops flies, and I understand it.  Aging vet, bad ballpark and now has a hand injury.  Even when he returns, I don’t have much hope for him.

Jason Kubel – Frankly, no relation to Cliff, Kubel isn’t that exciting when he’s hitting, and he has not been hitting anything the whole season.  Kinda like the entire Twins offense.

Jason Bay – He has 9 homers, 10 steals and a .239 average on the year.  Now I want you to look deep in your soul to answer this next question, would you own him if his name was Crappy McCrapstein?

Todd Helton – We’re cleaning out your father’s fantasy team’s closets today, huh?  To preemptively answer your question, I’d go with Carp over Helton.  And Morneau (and we know how much I like him).  And Moreland.  And Jesus Guzman.  Okay, I’d go with a lot of guys over Helton.  If you think I’m crazy, you may want to check to make sure you’re not watching Sportscenter on ESPN Classic.

The M’s are calling up Trayvon Robinson today.  Should be fun for the Dodgers to get a look at their first mistake under Selig.  Trayvon’s a high risk/high reward call up which sounds a lot better than Seattle’s low risk/low reward offense.  It’s like taking a chance on the next Kurt Cobain or Jimi Hendrix instead of settling on Candlebox.  In Triple-A, Trayvon had 26 homers in 416 PAs, which is plate appearances, not how many production assistants Michael Bay had on his last movie.  He looks a bit like a Bowden Fluffer.  Speed and power and crazy Ks and “athleticism” whatever the eff that means.  In AL-Only leagues, you have to jump on him.  In some mixed leagues, I like the flyer, as well.  You’re looking at a guy that could give you 7-10 steals and some pop in the final two months.  (BTW, for all you Real World heads out there, I tried really hard to work an allusion to Shauvon into the title saying Trayvon was the M’s best implant, but I failed you.  I will now punish myself by watching back-to-back episodes of My Strange Addiction.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – I just went over my Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while impersonating a police officer.  BTW, that post is from last week, so if you didn’t get Lawrie in your league, don’t blame me.  I gave you ample warning.   Ample Warning would also be a great album title.

Travis Snider – Sent down to AAA again.  He had a nice stretch in the first half of July but had cooled off since then.  He’s a damn tease.  If Riccardi was in charge, he’d give him enough time to shine, overpay him, and then trade him to the White Sox or Angels.

Jon Rauch – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Still has an ERA better than Frank Francisco.  4.44 to 4.54.  Rauch and Francisco are the new blech.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see Snider pluck his wispy, seventeen-strand mustache and try to sneak back onto the club as the closer.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-6 with his 3rd home run.  After the game, he cured cancer, then Roger Ebert gave him a thumbs up.

Evan Longoria – He hit his 16th homer… Yay!  He went 1-for-6… Nay!

Shin-Soo Choo – Took batting practice and says he should be able to return in the next two weeks.  Considering how he was hitting before the injury, I’m not sure if that’s good news or bad.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-5 after hitting 2 homers two days ago.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that’s in the can and I only make addendums for guys by the name of Desmond Jennings.

Carlos Pena – On Wednesday he went 2-for-2, yesterday he hit a home run.  Here comes another run from Pena of five homers in seven days or my name isn’t Grey Stallion Albright.  You can abbreviate Stallion as St. if you wish.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in three days.  You realize you’ve made me scared to say anything nice about catchers.  I’m like a battered shrimp.  The small people, not the crustacean.

Blake DeWitt – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Still holding the title “Choice DeWitt” in my back pocket for when this guy actually hits well.

Rodrigo Lopez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  He’s such a peg boy.

Ivan Nova – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  He will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Just keep hitting refresh and it will magically appear.

Eric Chavez – 2-for-4 and played over Eduardo Nunez.  I hope this schmohawk doesn’t take time away from Nunez and his thievery corporation.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Sawx.  You have nuggets the size of Mr. Met’s head if you started Masterson in Fenway.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Sucks if you own him this year and you’re getting his .232 average, but I hope it stays low so he comes at a bit of a discount in 2012.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit .280 next year with 20+ homers as he enters his prime years.  Hopefully he just avoids duets with Rob Thomas.

Johan Santana – Diagnosed with shoulder fatigue.  Shoot it up with some Red Bull!  Actually, they should just shut him down.  No idea what the Mets are trying to prove by having him pitch for a few weeks in September.

Brandon Belt – Was sent down.  This was a great season to stunt a prospect’s progress.  Up, down, up, down, up, down…It’s enough to discombobulate Sandy Duncan’s eye.

Omar Infante – Headed to the DL with a fractured middle finger.  I’m sure anyone who just went through the trouble of adding him to their fantasy team has a middle finger for him.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Sorry, but if you still own him, you deserved this start.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-2 with his fifth steal in the last week.  Someone in the comments asked if Young plays when CarGo returns.  Good question, but I’d ferry cross that Mersey when it happens.

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer as he laughs at my Ethier comparison.  If I knew all he needed was me calling him out, I would’ve back in April.

Yadier Molina – Suspended 5 games for bumping the ump.  That’s one game for every minute the Molina family takes to do a Chinese fire drill.  “Bengie, you were driving!”  “I’m getting there, Yadi!  I stopped for lunch by the rear bumper.”

David Freese – Hit in the head by a pitch and left the game.  MLB.com said it was a changeup.  A changeup from what?  Morneau or David Wright getting hit in the head?  Freese has a mild concussion.  My best guess is he’ll miss at least a week.

Kyle Lohse – 3 IP, 3 ER.  He definitely regressed.  His ERAs per month:  1.64, 2.57, 4.55, 5.53.  That looks like one of those Price is Right games.