Fantasy Baseball Advice

I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint.  And now he’s on the DL.  Confession:  I’m a time traveler!  And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball.  To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back.  Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first.  Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck.  Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate.  Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement. So this is the announcement’s announcement.  The pre-nouncement?  If you’ve been around the last three Augusts for our announcements, then this shouldn’t come as that huge of announcement.  But act surprised anyway, would you please?  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jordan Lyles – Was sent to Triple-A.  Hope he gets one of their TourBooks.  They have so many great coupons!

Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  Bee tee dubya, he has 13 homers on the year.  Where does he get drafted next year? Fifth round?  Sixth?  Hasn’t been drafted that low since he started hanging out with his cousin.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 with a steal.  More importantly, he played even as A-Rod returned.  Though, I wouldn’t count on that continuing.  Jeter DH’d yesterday, but he won’t do that every day.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs.  Now has 35 homers and 24 steals.  Is he in the MVP conversation at all?

Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as Holland gave his owners a Dutch oven.

Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, has now hit in 6 of 7 games.  In one league where we lost Eli Whiteside (yeah, it’s a deep league; no, we didn’t get extra points for owning Whiteside because he sounds like herring), I added Flowers.

Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 25th and 26th steal.  He has no business stealing 26 bases, yet he goes out there and does just that for your fantasy team.  How sexy is he?  I want his swimsuit calendar.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  Hasn’t really gotten hot all year, and I still wouldn’t say he is now, but he is hitting near .333 over the last week.  That’s McOkayhee.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I haven’t given Hudson much fanfare this year, so here goes.  With a 3.01 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP, he’s been my most reliable starter on multiple teams and wish I owned him on every team, which is saying something since his Ks are pretty yawnstipating.  Thank you, Tim, for letting me love a non-strikeout pitcher.  Though, if you could ramp up the Ks, you’d be really awesome.

Adam Lind – Out with a sore wrist.  Should be able to return on Tuesday.  Canada waits.

Luis Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and 4 Ks.  Late-blooming southpaw that ran up against a good matchup yesterday vs. the A’s.  I wouldn’t look at him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  Could get some Ks, will probably get mollywhopped.

Frank Francisco – Scratched with a sore shoulder.  Well, stop scratching it!  Francisco has actually been decent recently, but if the shoulder’s a problem, it won’t matter.  Since Rauch is off seeing a giraffe doctor, Casey Janssen or Shawn Camp would see saves.

Rafael Furcal – Tripped over a rope and sprained his thumb.  He should’ve stuck with hopscotch.

Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, three this weekend.  This had to be more than just the wind blowing out at Wrigley.  I’m guessing the entire Molina family, including Alfred, was sitting behind home plate blowing.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Um, dubya tee eff?  Last week I joked that Cleveland should raise the mound a mile above sea level, but I joke when I don’t think there’s any reason to worry.  Now, I’m kinda troubled.   Or troubaldo.  If he gets beat badly his next time out by the peasant Royals, might be time to discard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out with a back bruise after being plunked.  Eric Plunk, “Someone owes me a nickel!”

Ryan Lavarnway – 2-for-4.  Playing DH (do you play it?) which has me concerned.  If he only DHs then only pinch hits when Papi returns, will Lavarnway lose his catcher eligibility going into next year?  Probably moot since the Sawx will most likely let him start 2012 in the minors.  Cust pondering.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 39th save.  Has 101 Ks, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP.  Member how Tony Gwynn used to watch hours of pitcher videos while eating donuts?  I think Kimbrel watched hours of a young Mariano.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners.  Huh?  I feel like the box score had a typo.

Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Great, wonderful, gronderful!  But he hasn’t been playing every day so you might need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup for right now.

Casper Wells – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer.  As all of Casper’s fans boo.  BTW, on Saturday I went to this karaoke place and this one guy was awful so I stood near the stage and started booing him.  Loudly.  He got rattled and started messing up the words (worse), so I booed louder.  I got a kick out of it, but apparently he didn’t.  He threw down the mic, shouted “Oh, that’s it!” and charged after me.  Luckily (for me and my mustache), three bouncers got to him before he got to me.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Before this game, I told someone in our fantasy baseball forums that I wouldn’t start Pineda again until he pitched well.  Well (stutterer!), this was a decent start.

Nick Blackburn – Left the game with a forearm strain.  Maybe it was straining to be a fivearm.

Ben Revere – 1-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with a steal.  SAGNOF!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  McDonald was then replaced by Grilli.  I prefer the McGriddli.

Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run as he continues to stay hot with his 2nd homer in the last five games.

Joel Hanrahan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Hanrahanananan is obviously strugglinginginging right now, but his season ERA is still at 1.76 so, ya know, don’t be ungrateful.

Carlos Quentin – Might end up on the DL with a sprained AC joint.  That sucks, humidity this time of the year is killer.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-5 with his third homer of the weekend.  I’m telling you right now, there’s gonna be a sleeper post about him sometime in January and I’m gonna go cacacuckoo for him again next year.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Corspinosa is alive!  He tends to be streaky so if he’s out there, I’d give him another chance if you’re hurting with your middle infidel.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 as he also homered yesterday.  It must’ve been Zombie Day in Nationals Park.

Seth Smith – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs.  If someone asked me what’s the bare minimum you should get from your fifth outfielder in a 12 team mixed league, I’d say look at The Lisper’s Nightmare’s stats.

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Honestly, I don’t trust him.  This start was vs. the Twins who have Plouffe, the guy who sounds like the noise a turd makes when it hits the toilet water, hitting second.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)

Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was lifted after a rain delay then Schwimer took over.  All I can say is thank God he’s no longer making movies.

Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with a groin injury.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see this be a DL stint since the Phils will just want everyone healthy for the playoffs.  As Jimmy gets older, maybe he should ease back a little to Strollins.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER on Friday.  Madson, the Phils already have one Bastardo in the bullpen.  Please.  Wasn’t used in a save situation on Sunday, which was then blown by Bastardo and followed by Lidge losing the game.  I think Madson will be fine, was just a big giant blip.

Matt Wieters – 6 for his last 12 and his 12th homer yesterday.  Pretty whatever season from him so far, but if he were to hit five homers in the last month plus, his season would still look a’ight with definite promise for next year.  He really needs a big last month though.  Either way, I’m still gonna go all in with him next year again, assuming he’s drafted late, which he should be at this rate.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Tigers.  On the Twins, Delmon was happy, but on the Tigers Delmon’s all about business.

Bobby Parnell – Mets said Izzy will see some saves still, but then Izzy went out on Sunday and gave up one run and on Saturday he gave up 4 runs.  They say the 301st save is always the toughest.

If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse.  You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this.  Are you reading this from beyond the grave?  Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball?  That’s awesome!  In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals.  He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true.  He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average.  He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount.  Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games.  That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper.  BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? A Man-Ram Ram-Ram — heyo!  Casilla could see saves, and Affeldt, and Ram-Ram.  Basically, anyone in the Giants bullpen may see saves.  I’d grab Ram-Ram first, only because he’s already got a save in Wilson’s stead.

Rafael Betancourt – He’s the closer right now.  If that’s the kind of thing that gets your goat, bleat bleat.

Chris Sale – The White Sox want to move Sale into a starting role next year, so, of course, Ozzie sends him out for some saves.  Santos is still their closer, but Sale will see some saves, depending on how long the time is between his blinks.

Bobby Parnell – He’s the closer in Metco because Izzy reached the who-knew-it-was-coveted 300 save plateau.

Frank Francisco – All SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?

Stephen Strasburg – I just wrote my Strasburg fantasy.  I wrote it while doing a body shot off your sister.  She likes mustaches.  Blame her.

Randy Wolf – I almost left the Wolfman off the list because I have so little faith in him.  He seems as likely to go eight innings in his start tomorrow vs. the Mets as he does going five innings and giving up four runs.

Wade Miley – In Triple-A, he had a 3.64 ERA and 56 Ks in 54 1/3 IP.  Yawn, Grey.  How about Miley sigh…Bust?  I understand, Random Italicized Voice, it doesn’t look good but that was in the hitter-friendly PCL.  Where the baseballs are made of helium?  Yes, I’d grab Miley in NL-Only leagues and watch in mixed.

Jesus Montero – What is that you’re feeding your horse, Apollo?  Hay, Zeus.  At some point, Montero is going to get called up and be a huge letdown because of all his freakin’ build up.  Should just start calling him The Phantom Menace.

Brandon Belt – He hit two homers the first day after his recall, since then it looks like he should be recalled in the other sense of the word.  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Lucas Duda – In the last seven Duda Duda days, he has two homers while batting .292.

Brandon Allen – The man who sounds like a furniture store has been hitting with the A’s and playing every day sofa, but to couch my comments I’m not sure it’ll continue.

Johnny Giavotella – Playing 2nd base for the peasant Royals and running like crazy, and by crazy I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Jimmy Paredes – Speaking of middle infidels that can get you steals, Paredes had 29 steals in Double-A (with a yawnstipating caught stealing percentage, but whatever).  He’s playing 3rd every day for the Astros.  Welcome to the Dominican Republican Paredes, My Chemical Romance.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist is hitting again as he did in the beginning of the season when he gave a little bit of everything except power and speed.

Ryan Raburn – “He’s hitting so much…”  Match Game audience response, “How much is he hitting?”  He’s actually hitting, that’s how much.  Remind me next year that Raburn’s big 2nd half isn’t a sign that a big 1st half in 2012 is coming.

Delmon Young – The other day I went over my Delmon Young fantasy.  I wrote it while applying deodorant in an Arby’s bathroom.

Peter Bourjos – If you were to hold Tabata and Bourjos’s season stats next to each other, it would be like Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill, which looks like it might be the worst comedy ever made by a non-Wayan.

Jose Tabata – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Garrett Jones – 41/14/46/.247/5 is his line so far this year.  That’s the line that, uh, draws the line between serviceable in NL-Only and mixed leagues.

Ben Revere – He has 21 steals so far this year and he’s hitting leadoff every day for the Twins, who need to run.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Revere get to 35 steals by the end of the year.  The steals are coming, the steals are coming!

Nate Schierholtz – He’s currently hitting, but, and maybe this is just me, on teams where I own Schierholtz, I have a hard time looking at my team with the lights on.

SELL

Michael Pineda - I love Ks as much as the next guy, potentially more, but at some point you gotta stop the bleeding.  Pineda’s ERA in July was 6.75 and it’s 6.55 in August.  He’s young, wearing down, yadda³.  We’ll grab him again next year, don’t worry.

Carlos Beltran – People are dropping Beltran like Pat Burrell drops flies, and I understand it.  Aging vet, bad ballpark and now has a hand injury.  Even when he returns, I don’t have much hope for him.

Jason Kubel – Frankly, no relation to Cliff, Kubel isn’t that exciting when he’s hitting, and he has not been hitting anything the whole season.  Kinda like the entire Twins offense.

Jason Bay – He has 9 homers, 10 steals and a .239 average on the year.  Now I want you to look deep in your soul to answer this next question, would you own him if his name was Crappy McCrapstein?

Todd Helton – We’re cleaning out your father’s fantasy team’s closets today, huh?  To preemptively answer your question, I’d go with Carp over Helton.  And Morneau (and we know how much I like him).  And Moreland.  And Jesus Guzman.  Okay, I’d go with a lot of guys over Helton.  If you think I’m crazy, you may want to check to make sure you’re not watching Sportscenter on ESPN Classic.

The M’s are calling up Trayvon Robinson today.  Should be fun for the Dodgers to get a look at their first mistake under Selig.  Trayvon’s a high risk/high reward call up which sounds a lot better than Seattle’s low risk/low reward offense.  It’s like taking a chance on the next Kurt Cobain or Jimi Hendrix instead of settling on Candlebox.  In Triple-A, Trayvon had 26 homers in 416 PAs, which is plate appearances, not how many production assistants Michael Bay had on his last movie.  He looks a bit like a Bowden Fluffer.  Speed and power and crazy Ks and “athleticism” whatever the eff that means.  In AL-Only leagues, you have to jump on him.  In some mixed leagues, I like the flyer, as well.  You’re looking at a guy that could give you 7-10 steals and some pop in the final two months.  (BTW, for all you Real World heads out there, I tried really hard to work an allusion to Shauvon into the title saying Trayvon was the M’s best implant, but I failed you.  I will now punish myself by watching back-to-back episodes of My Strange Addiction.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – I just went over my Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while impersonating a police officer.  BTW, that post is from last week, so if you didn’t get Lawrie in your league, don’t blame me.  I gave you ample warning.   Ample Warning would also be a great album title.

Travis Snider – Sent down to AAA again.  He had a nice stretch in the first half of July but had cooled off since then.  He’s a damn tease.  If Riccardi was in charge, he’d give him enough time to shine, overpay him, and then trade him to the White Sox or Angels.

Jon Rauch – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Still has an ERA better than Frank Francisco.  4.44 to 4.54.  Rauch and Francisco are the new blech.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see Snider pluck his wispy, seventeen-strand mustache and try to sneak back onto the club as the closer.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-6 with his 3rd home run.  After the game, he cured cancer, then Roger Ebert gave him a thumbs up.

Evan Longoria – He hit his 16th homer… Yay!  He went 1-for-6… Nay!

Shin-Soo Choo – Took batting practice and says he should be able to return in the next two weeks.  Considering how he was hitting before the injury, I’m not sure if that’s good news or bad.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-5 after hitting 2 homers two days ago.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that’s in the can and I only make addendums for guys by the name of Desmond Jennings.

Carlos Pena – On Wednesday he went 2-for-2, yesterday he hit a home run.  Here comes another run from Pena of five homers in seven days or my name isn’t Grey Stallion Albright.  You can abbreviate Stallion as St. if you wish.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in three days.  You realize you’ve made me scared to say anything nice about catchers.  I’m like a battered shrimp.  The small people, not the crustacean.

Blake DeWitt – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Still holding the title “Choice DeWitt” in my back pocket for when this guy actually hits well.

Rodrigo Lopez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  He’s such a peg boy.

Ivan Nova – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  He will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Just keep hitting refresh and it will magically appear.

Eric Chavez – 2-for-4 and played over Eduardo Nunez.  I hope this schmohawk doesn’t take time away from Nunez and his thievery corporation.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Sawx.  You have nuggets the size of Mr. Met’s head if you started Masterson in Fenway.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Sucks if you own him this year and you’re getting his .232 average, but I hope it stays low so he comes at a bit of a discount in 2012.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit .280 next year with 20+ homers as he enters his prime years.  Hopefully he just avoids duets with Rob Thomas.

Johan Santana – Diagnosed with shoulder fatigue.  Shoot it up with some Red Bull!  Actually, they should just shut him down.  No idea what the Mets are trying to prove by having him pitch for a few weeks in September.

Brandon Belt – Was sent down.  This was a great season to stunt a prospect’s progress.  Up, down, up, down, up, down…It’s enough to discombobulate Sandy Duncan’s eye.

Omar Infante – Headed to the DL with a fractured middle finger.  I’m sure anyone who just went through the trouble of adding him to their fantasy team has a middle finger for him.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Sorry, but if you still own him, you deserved this start.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-2 with his fifth steal in the last week.  Someone in the comments asked if Young plays when CarGo returns.  Good question, but I’d ferry cross that Mersey when it happens.

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer as he laughs at my Ethier comparison.  If I knew all he needed was me calling him out, I would’ve back in April.

Yadier Molina – Suspended 5 games for bumping the ump.  That’s one game for every minute the Molina family takes to do a Chinese fire drill.  “Bengie, you were driving!”  “I’m getting there, Yadi!  I stopped for lunch by the rear bumper.”

David Freese – Hit in the head by a pitch and left the game.  MLB.com said it was a changeup.  A changeup from what?  Morneau or David Wright getting hit in the head?  Freese has a mild concussion.  My best guess is he’ll miss at least a week.

Kyle Lohse – 3 IP, 3 ER.  He definitely regressed.  His ERAs per month:  1.64, 2.57, 4.55, 5.53.  That looks like one of those Price is Right games.

Linguist, academic and all-around good guy with a lot of free time on his hands, David Crystal says there’s been no definitive research on how many people are actually laughing out loud when they type out el oh el  (Thanks, Wikipedia!).  I’m guessing the number is less than 50% and the number of people actually rolling on the floor laughing when they type that dopey acronym is far less.  I bring this up to impress on you the amount of things read on the internet that turn out to be false.  With all that said (and it was a lot, wasn’t it?), the internet tells me the Yankees are going to promote Jesus Montero in the next couple of weeks.  If you read that and no streamers or balloons fell from the ceiling, then pull the rip cord harder.  In keeper leagues, he should be owned already.  If he’s not, I’m assuming you’re in an NL-Only league or a mixed league filled with atheists.  Back in February, the two thousand and eleventh year of Jesus Montero’s call up, I gave him the projections of 20/5/30/.290 in 100 at-bats.  Still sounds about right.  I’m a God, mortal!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Day-to-day with a sprained shoulder.  That sounds like nothing for a guy who plays through injuries and just lives and breathes the game like he’s Luke Appling or some other old timey player.  Unfortunately, that’s not Hanley Ramirez.  My guess is he’ll miss at least five to seven games.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 2 homers.  Hmm… I feel like I heard about him somewhere recently…Something about how you should pick him up…Oh, I know.  I wrote it yesterday.  I’m a genius, even if I need the spellchecker to spell genius.

Jason Isringhausen – Screwed the turkey, or whatever that cliche is, yesterday for the second day in a row.  Give Bobby Parnell, who sounds like a character Don Cheadle would play, the closer job.  Sure, Parnell hasn’t been great, but at least he has a potential future.  What do you have to lose?  More games?  You can only lose one game at a time, which sounds like something Casey Stengel once said.  BTW, he really got the short end of the “That guy has the greatest quotes” stick compared to Yogi.

Johan Santana – Felt discomfort and is having his shoulder examined.  Maybe the Mets can trade Johan’s shoulder for Chipper Jones’s lower back.  Assuming they both pass through waivers.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He only gave up one hit… A homer to Desmond Jennings!  Don’t you love when I work Desmond Jennings into other players’ blurbs?

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his first homer since, like, when the U.S. gave Canada its independence.  Though I’m no history buff.  “Take hockey, ‘eh’ and weird police outfits.  Leave the Mckenzie brothers.”  That’s me at the Treaty of Vancouver.

Yunel Escobar – 1-for-3 with his tenth homer, and his first since June 30th.  Tends to hit a few after he gets one, so look for him to tack on.  Not tacky though, like that bald guy on Design Star.  What, I’m the only one that watches HGTV?  C’mon, three lady readers, where are you?

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks and wasted a Desmond Jennings’ homer.  See?

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run.  Has been so nonexistent for so long, I kinda thought he retired from baseball and opened an emu farm selling giant eggs.  Hopefully, if there is a God besides Jesus Montero and Jesus Guzman, Ian Desmond will get hot.

Michael Morse – 2-for-5 with his 18th homer.  Dash-dash-dot.

Derek Lowe – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Can’t spell Derek without reek.

Jose Constanza – 2-for-4 as he started in place of Heyward.  A’la George Costanza, “FREDI!”  Would’ve been awesome if Constanza would’ve went into the dugout between innings, then when his name was announced to bat, if he would’ve ran out with no shirt on. This Heyward/Constanza shituation is worth monitoring.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Constanza for steals.  He did steal 49 bags in Double-A and 23 this year in Triple-A in only 86 games.

Chris Davis – 2-for-5 with his first home run for the Orioles, or the Orange Birds as no one calls them.  If you need to catch lightning in a bottle with power, Davis could provide it.  The preceding was brought to you by Bill James’ beard.  No, not that definition of beard.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Earl Weaver could’ve managed the shizz out of this team.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, and his 16th homer and 5th steal for the nourishing slam & legs.  Tellin’ ya right now (as if that’s not obvious), it’s gonna be hard to figure out where to draft Boesch next year.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  His July (.197, no homers) kinda smelled like an old man’s fart, but every other month he’s been usable.

Edgar Renteria – 1-for-4 with a home run.  I’m not proud to tell you this, but I picked him up in one league where I was hurting for a middle infidel.  Sometimes trades give players a boost in the arm.  And sometimes you need a booster shot in the arm if you have the Renterias.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t care, I wouldn’t pick him up.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  How dare you steal the thunder from the arrival of Ryan Ludwick! Assuming you can make sure Jones never sees a lefty on your fantasy team, he might be worth a look.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5 and two homers as the Pirates pitching staff decided to suddenly regress to what they should’ve been all year.

Kyle Kendrick – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Somewhere, Joe Blanton, “That could’ve been me!  I swear!”

Troy Tulowitzki – Left the game after hurting his pinkiewitzki.  Should be fine to go tomorrow.  Hopefully, since his fantasy owners paid top dollar for his final two months of production.

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Extremely solid start following his no-hitter.  Also, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 20th home run yesterday.  I get the feeling he’s going to take a big step forward next year.  Assuming the Sciosciapath doesn’t bench him for an Izturis, an Aybar or a Mathis.

Jason Kipnis – Now has three straight games with a homer.  “Why didn’t I pick him up?”  That’s you after you see someone else in your league grab him.

Phil Hughes – A complete game shutout! (Okay, the game was rain shortened to six innings, but whatever.  Final thirds are overrated.  I would’ve loved Inglourious Basterds without the final third.)

Matt Holliday – Hit his 16th homer and got his first steal.  See, just needed a little razzing.  BTW, do something, Pedro Alvarez!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer.  Or as you say his name in German, Au Shit!

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs Latos (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks) as the two offensive powerhouses, Dodgers and Padres, met in Petco.  Luckily, someone scored and this game didn’t need to be decided with a game of duck, duck, goose.

Mike Adams – 1 IP, 1 ER.  If there’s no Padre fans, is there still derisive laughing when Adams gives up runs?  Ponder that after three bong hits.

Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.”  So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz.  Let’s start with Colby.  Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)!  Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench.  I’m sure Colby will be empathic.  “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.”  That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time.  Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way.  Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction.  Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada.  His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade.  Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it.  Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat?  I’m not entirely sure.  His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24.  All of his good years have come in the AL.  Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle.  In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.

Octavio Dotel – To the Cards.  I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.

Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield.  I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus.  Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs.  That looks pretty yawnstipating to me.  As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse.  Speaking of which…

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto.  Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.

Mark Teahen – Was traded too.  So he’s still in baseball?  Good for him.

Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.

Carlos Beltran – To the Giants.  Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral.  Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy).  Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.

Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted.  You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Will now be the guy to replace Beltran.  It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song!  The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing.  The negatives:  he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs.  In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.

Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17.  That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised.  I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This trade deadline story made me giggle.  The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano.  “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano.  No, thank you!”  Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”

Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage!  But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.

James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne.  Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.

Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau.  Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year.  How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?

Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year.  His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever.  If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already.   The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear.  Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center.  In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed.  He’s just a’ight.  I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.

John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there).  Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.

Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second.  You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him.  My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Justin Upton – 2 homers.  He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist.  You know, the one that frosts his tips.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137.  Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.

Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He really seized the day.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs.  Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July.  That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN.  You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?

Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.

Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits.  After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July.  What an odyssey for Hosmer.

Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row.  When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.

Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”

Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday.  The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say?  Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game.  See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.”  With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do.  Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.