Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well you came and you gave without taking but I sent you away, oh Wandy….Wandy Rodriguez yesterday gave up four homers in five innings.  That was one way to correct an abnormal home run rate.  This is three starts now that he’s been rocked.  His owners got a bye on the first one because they were called unearned runs. His 2nd one was some kind of marvel with the Pirates getting eight singles in 4 and two-thirds.  Yesterday’s, well, that was an explosion.  If anyone out there had the impression Wandy was going to be an under 2 ERA pitcher, that was a mistake.  In April, I said, “(Wandy’s) not going to finish the year under a 3 ERA, so he will take some lumps at some point.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I mean, c’mon, it’s Wandy Rodriguez.  He’s great.  I love him.  He’s my imaginary friend’s godfather.  But, for Christmas sake, he’s 30 years old and his home run rate before last night was 1.4% (It should be near 11%).  I’m still on the Wandwagon, but he’s a 3.75 pitcher.  Remember, he’s also a 8 K/9 pitcher, which is still good.  Even last night he K’d 7 guys between gopher balls.  So, the wheels are wobbling on the Wandwagon, but they’re not off.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Torn hamstring tendon.  The Mets are saying he can still come back next week.  The Mets are not lying at all.  Reyes will be back next week.  (<– Grey being unrealistically optimistic because he just traded Dunn for him in one league.)  If Tim Roth reads Razzball, he could’ve told you I just lied.  This is bad news.  All of his value is in his legs.  A torn hamstring tendon?  Honestly, I’m praying he’s back right after the All-Star Break.  That’s my most realistic prediction.

J.J. Putz – For those holding out hope, Putz is headed to the Disgraceful List.  Stop pulling your pud and release the Putz.

Andrew McCutchen – He batted leadoff and went 2-for-4, 3 Runs, 1 RBI, 1 steal and 1 incredibly difficult last name to spell.  We might need Razzball Nation to come up with a decent nickname for him.

Miguel Cabrera – Hamstring injury forced him out of the game.  Maybe he can get Miguel Olivo to rub it down with some hot oil. (<– It’s a hunch!)

Jeff Larish – Will see time if Miggy’s down for any amount of time.  I’m assuming Leyland will bat Larish cleanup, because he locked the lineup card on Opening Day.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.   But he’s just about at .300, that’s when the patented Cruz Stall takes over and he ends up back at .265 by June 20th.

Josh Hamilton – Looks like he’s headed for surgery, but will seek a 2nd opinion.  Yesterday, he said it hurts when he’s “…turning over in bed. Or coughing. Or sneezing.” There’s no turning over in bed, coughing or sneezing in baseball!

Ricky Nolasco – The guy that made you cry is coming back.  There’s talk he will take Anibal Sanchez’s spot in the rotation on Sunday as Sanchez hits the DL.

Garrett Atkins – 2 HRs yesterday and now with 5.  Now he’s one off the Subaru pace car that Teahen’s driving.

B.J. Upton – Hit a two-run homer.  I didn’t see it, but my money’s on the scorer giving one of Zobrist’s bombs to Upton.

J.P Howell – Faced two righties as he got the save yesterday.  Maddon may figure if it ain’t broke don’t fix it and go with Howell as the closer.  Howell has a 2.28 ERA on the year, so it’s not broke.

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  See what happens when there’s no one on when you give up homers?

Jason Kubel – 2 HRs yesterday as he doubled his entire of month of May’s homer total.  He’ll get to 22 homers this year, but it would be slow and tedious like watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Shane Victorino – The Flying Hawaiian’s takeoff has been delayed for a day with a sore hip.  The Phils hope to have liftoff tomorrow.

Kyle Lohse – Headed to the DL.  Tough break for leagues that only use pitchers whose last names are Lohse.

Jason Bartlett – Supposed to come back next Wednesday.  If anyone dropped him when he went down, then stash him.

Alex Rios – 0-for-5 with 5 Ks.  Rios refuses to let people get too excited about him.  I don’t know, maybe it’s a fear of failure.

Adam Lind – 5-for-5, or the inverse of Rios.  This 5-for-5 game comes on the heels of a week when he raised his average from .283 to .313.  He’s a whole lot more interesting to me than Kubel, even if their numbers may end up being about the same come October.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with a tight right calf.  Yesterday it was an ankle injury.  He’s the Greek God of Limps.

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Sorry, Brett, I’m still not picking you up in any league.  Speaking of Bretts, there’s this guy where my girlfriend works named Brett who missed two days of work because he cut his gums on a tortilla chip and needed three stitches.  Not even joking.   I think my girlfriend works with Chipper Jones.

Chien-Ming Wang – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Picking up right where he left off…

Dontrelle Willis – Threw a no-hitter…and still gave up 5 runs.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the worst no-hitter since 2003 when Sidney Ponson blanked the Phillies for one batter then gave up 8 runs.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  Though overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Jim, from Accounting, paged himself to the front desk three times in one day for a new record.  The third time he got to the front desk, he was fired.”

Randy Johnson – Hey, boys and 2 girls, it’s personal ancedote time!  Rudy and I were in Vegas for New Year’s Eve about seven years ago.  So we’re discussing keepers, not fantasy baseball ones, but this girl I was dating.  She was NOT a keeper.  Between our third and fourth Red Bull and Vodkas, I head off to the bathroom.  I have the bladder of an 8th grader.  (No, I wasn’t a donor recipient.  I’m saying, I pee frequently.)  So I’m at the urinal and guess who walks up to the urinal next to me?  Randy Johnson.  Stoked, I blurt out, “Hey, it’s the Big Unit!”  Probably wrong place, wrong time.

Carlos Delgado might as well enjoy a Cocktail or two as he’s the latest member of the new hip injury (double entendre) – the torn labrum.  It took A-Rod two months to come back from this and he’s younger, in better shape, and a bigger poser (not sure how the 3rd point is relevant, just felt like saying it).  If you drafted Delgado, you’ve got to just let him go.  No use clogging up a DL slot except if you’re in a real deep league.  Forget the Mets replacements for now – Tatis, Murphy, Kranepool, etc – as none of them have 1B eligibility.  Hopefully you have another player for the 1B slot and can just grab the best 1B/3B available for cornerman.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rickie Weeks – Weeks’s out-for-the-seasony is epidemic, ya’ll.  Hardy likes to hit 2nd and Hart or Counsell would make sense in the leadoff spot.  If Gamel plays 3rd, Counsell or Hall would be play 2nd.  Hall would get a nice boost in value if he gains 2nd base eligibility, which is to say he would go from no value to some value in deep leagues.  This Weeks injury should be a wake up call for all Blalock owners.  One day he’s hitting homers, the next day he has a root canal that sidelines him indefinitely.  Okay, Weeks, Nomar and Baldelli offer you a ride, but the catch is you can’t wear your seatbelt, do you accept the ride?

Mat Gamel – HR and error yesterday.  In 2007, Milwaukeeans called that The Braun Exacta.  Defense be damned!  Gamel got the start at 3rd.  I propose the Brewers correct Gamel’s defensive problems like how the Rockies went to the humidor.  They should put The Vacuum in Miller Park.  Whenever the visiting team is hitting, you turn The Vacuum to suck and watch as everything is hit to the right side.  The Vacuum sucks so Gamel doesn’t blow.

Kyle Lohse – 4 IP, 4 ER.  He’s not good.  Wait, do I hear an echo?  Oh, no, that’s just me the last five times he’s pitched.

Scott Richmond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Was a good match-up, still not a fan of his going forward.

Ross Detwiler – Was 0-3 with a 2.98 ERA in Double-A.  Sounds like he should be a starter for the Nats!  I wouldn’t go after him outside of NL-Only leagues and even there, I’d want to see more… On someone else’s team.

Joel Hanrahan – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Hanrahanahanananan got Kazaamahamahammed!

Glen Perkins – 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Got flapjacked by the Yanks and now is being sent to the Disgraceful List with elbow inflammation.  I don’t know who the Twins end up replacing him with, but two guarantees:  1) over/under on K/start will be 1.5 and 2) you don’t need to pick him up.

Carl Crawford/B.J. Upton – Rays scored a kajillion runs and they went a combined 0-for-6.  What a bunch of ticker teases!

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 5 ER.  The only thing standing in the way of The Dorf is his lackluster pitching.

Carlos Gomez – 4-for-8 in the last two games with a steal.  He’s starting for about a week with Young out.  Those desperate for steals may be able to sneak in a few for the next couple of days.

Mark Teixeira – 2 HRs yesterday with 4 RBIs.  Almost June?  Yup, makes sense.

Jason Marquis – 8 IP, 1 ER.  The Marquis de Sad did it to the Braves royally.

Bobby Abreu – 0-for-2, zero home runs and 14 steals on the year.  The Angels ended up with the 2nd coming of Reggie Willits.

Kendry Morales – 2 home runs yesterday to bring his total to 8 on the year while batting .289.  I realize he’s been yawnstipating in his career, but he’s having a solid year and could end up with 25/100/.280.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 10th homer on the year.  Hey, cheap power, say hello to your mother for me.

Vladimir Guerrero – Coming back from his torn pectoral to be the Angels’ Designated Hacker.  You have to think the pectoral plays some role in swinging.  Wouldn’t bet that Stitch Tits is going to deliver much more than an empty .280 average.

John Lackey – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Aren’t you glad you held onto him for two months?  His owners probably wish he would’ve just pegged Ichiro to start the game (Ichiro’s owners probably wish that too).  I think this was just rust with Lackey, I wouldn’t be too concerned.

Brandon Morrow – Pitched the 6th and 7th, giving up 2 earned runs.  The way he’s going he’s going to be pitching the 3rd inning soon.

Randy Wolf – Is he Randy for a win or Hungry for a win?  Either way, 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER should buy a brotha a win.  To give you a glimpse into my soul, I own Wolf in three leagues and I haven’t been disappointed at all.  56 1/3 IP, 46 Ks, 1.07 WHIP and a 2.72 ERA.  If someone was willing to give you Wolf for say the random rookie nookie you have (Zimmermann, Gamel, Parra), I’d do it.  I think it’s possible too, because Wolf gets no love.  In fact, I grabbed him off waivers in one of my ‘pert 15 team leagues.

Garrett Atkins – Getting benched by Hurdle.  Mrs. Garrett’s Atkins diet was more successful than Atkins this year.

Phil Coke – Got the save as Mo needed rest after pitching on Sat and Sun.  The last time Coke got credit for a Yankee save was when Steve Howe donned the pinstripes.

Joey Votto – Votto’s in the Scripps Clinic for an examination… E-X-A-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N… Examination.

Josh Johnson injured? That would be precedented.  He came out of the game with a weak right shoulder.  Yeah, and I have a weak pitching staff without you.  Afterwards, Johnson said, “I just don’t feel great.”  That makes two of us.  Pitchers are always more prone to injuries than hitters and Johnson embodies that.  Or maybe he disembodies it.  Either way, this is bad news.  Hopefully, he caught the problem soon enough and won’t miss too much time.  I have a sinking feeling he’s headed for further bad news.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis – Hit the game winning homer.  After the game, here’s what CJ Wilson said on Twitter, “Rangers are crazy powerful in the late innings. chip davis looked like he was channeling MJ23 with his hop into the scrum.”  There’s so many things to take away from that, it’s hard to know where to start.  In other Twitter news, the other day someone asked Alyssa Milano if she reads Razzball.  This is the kind of initiative we need.  We should all go ask her to say hello in the comments here.  And congratulate her on her new book (and Embrace of the Vampire.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 11 Ks.  If you’re not on the Wandwagon yet, you should be.

Brandon Morrow – I think he’s headed for the Disgraceful List.  Aardsma would be a smart play.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  Clearly, Bourn got amnesia about what an awful player he was in the past.  I own him on a team.  Is it fo realz?  Who gives an eff in the effin’ eff hole?  He’s been great.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4.65 on the year.  I think it gets to about 4.30 and then tails off again.

J.J. Putz – Bone spur in his elbow or some shizz.  I know, your Putz is hard to let go of, but K-Rod looks fine, there’s really no reason to be *pinkie to mouth* putzing around.

David Ortiz – 0-for-7, 3 Ks.  You know what would’ve been nice?  When Manny was caught taking lady pills, Ortiz saying he was juicing for five years.  When I compared him to Mo Vaughn, Sons of Sam Horn came out talking about how 2009 was Ortiz’s bounce back year.   Yeah, looks about right.

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 base runners and 5 Ks.  He didn’t pick up where he left off, obviously, but it was a tough first match up.  Now he needs to win the hearts and minds of his fantasy owners again.  Right now, they’re smitten with Wandy.

Matt Harrison – 2nd straight complete game.  Who are you, Matt Harrison?  I know!  Someone I wouldn’t own.

Carlos Delgado – Won’t go on the DL for at least a week.  Ain’t that grand?  Now he can take up a bench spot for you.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Gotta say I felt trepidations creeping through my skull bone on whether to start him against the Rangers.  Thankfully, I chip’d up and let him jump in the scrum.  Whatever the hell that means.

Erik Bedard – Probably will miss his Saturday start with a tight hamstring.  Tight hamstrings are the worst.  Why do they even put string around hams?

Billy Butler – 2-for-5 with his third homer of the year.  At the All-Star Game festivities, they should have a homer derby between Butler and Sandoval.  Mano vs. Mano; Moob vs. Moob; Fat Guy With No Power vs. Fat Guy With No Power.  Of course, the prize would be a ham — with no strings.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-5, now batting .336.  You guys mocked me when I said he was a good sleeper for this year.  Wait, that wasn’t mocking, that was ignoring.  Damn you!

David Wright – 4 steals.  Tied a Mets record.  No, not Reyes.  It was Vince Coleman.  This was according to Gary Cohen.  I didn’t fact check him, he could’ve made it up.

Fausto Carmona – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER and the Win.  Still not regretting dropping him.

Justin Verlander – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 13 Ks.  That’s a mighty delish line.  I’m not a big flip-flopper, but 69 Ks over 50 and a third innings is terrific.  His 2nd month has been as great as his first month was bad.  Hopefully, he doesn’t turn back into a six-foot five pumpkin in June.

Nolan Reimold – 1-for-5, but at least he played.

Bill Hall – HR yesterday.  I see your Gamel and I raise you a boo-ya.

Colby Rasmus – HR yesterday.  Take your time, Ludwick.

Julio Lugo – 5-for-6, with a steal, hitting .359 since returning.  Can he fend off Nick Green?  God, I’d hope so.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Scott Baker, Lieutenant Colonel of Suck.

Garrett Atkins – Major Suck.

Here’s what I said last year about Mat Gamel and his comparison to Ryan Braun, “Ryan Braun, The Hebrew Hammer, hits for average, power and butchered plays at 3rd base.  Well, Gamel can slug with the best of them and plays 3rd like Jenny McCarthy in a celebrity softball game.  Not to mention, his name is almost Gimel, which is the third letter of the Hebrew alphabet.  The similarities are endless!”  And that’s me quoting me!  Wanna really blow your mind?  I wrote a Mat Gamel fantasy baseball outlook post back in December of last year.  Prescient ain’t just a word I can’t spell without Dictionary.com, it’s a state of mind!  So what can we expect of him, he’s better than Nolan Reimold.  Right now.  He can hit.  I could even see grabbing him in ten team leagues.  He could be The Difference Maker (which would be a great name for a professional wrestler).  The only thing holding Gamel back is he fields like he has two left feet — on the end of his arms.  If the Brewers dare to play him every day over their blahtoon of Hall and Counsell, you should play him too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Ludwick – To the DL.  “Hello, Rasmus.”  “Hey, Duncan, you wanna play every day?” “Sure.”

Gerardo Parra – This one doesn’t walk people, he runs.  He replaced Krispie last night and might spell Byrnes on some occasions.  He’s a solid pickup for the speed deprived.  Parra’s upside is what Maybin should’ve done — 5 homers, 25 steals.  He shouldn’t be a liability on average.  Obviously, picking him up depends on your league, but he should be grabbed in all NL-Only leagues and mixed leagues deeper than 12 teams.

Nolan Reimold – Getting the call. Ceiling is 20 homers and a .280 average.  Let’s see, for right now:  Gamel, Reimold, Coghlan, Parra, LaPorta, in that order.  And all are better than Hochevar.

Bryan Augenstein – 6 IP, 5 ER, 3 K.  Augenstein reminds me a bit of Slowey because of how few walks he issues.  Just remember how Hochevar stole your innocence.

Carl Crawford – Left with a bruised shoulder.  Should be okay. Get well soon, Carl!

Adam Jones – Left the game with a hamstring strain.  Might be headed to the DL.  Somebody totally harshed his buzz.

Jimmy Rollins – In Premiere’s “Spotted” section, it said that someone saw Rollins do something productive yesterday.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-3 yesterday.  Do this for another month and we’ll be even.

Ryan Zimmerman – Here comes the 0-for-30 game streak.  Kidding.  He’s going to be a top five 3rd baseman this year.  Recognize!

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks and the Win.  I’m done fighting it.  Doode turned a corner somewhere.  I’m not trading for him, but I can understand it.

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  More in line with what I expect from him, but still a few more strikeouts.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Tommy Hanson begins to pack his Hypercolor t-shirts and Zubaz pants.

Scott Richmond – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Told ya he wasn’t long for your team.  I wouldn’t start him again in any league.  As they say on shuffleboard courts, he’s kaput.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 2nd homer of the year yesterday.  Shot in the dark here, but Wigginton gets real hot for a couple of weeks at a time.  This might be one of those times.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 3 ER.  He’ll be about a 3.25 ERA pitcher this year.  That’s very good.

Joel Pineiro – 6 IP, 5 ER.  See what I said about Richmond then multiply it by three.

Matt Palmer – Complete game, 4 ER to move to 4-0 on the year.  Before you get crazy with yourself, he’s a thirty-year-old rookie and he’s not Dennis Quaid.

Kip Wells – 2nd save and only one run allowed.  Kip walking into the clubhouse, “What can’t Kip Wells do?!  What!?”  Heckler, “Pitch effectively for any extended period of time.”  Kip lowers his head and sighs.

Ross Ohlendorf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Talk to the Dorf!

Juan Pierre - I love guys who steal bases up six runs.  You go, Juan!  Get you some, gluttony!

Shairon Martis – 7 IP, 1 ER and his fifth win (the Nats only have 11!)  With a first name like an Israeli prime minister or an Osbourne, you want to write off Shairon Martis, but he’s not pitching above his head right now outside from Wins.  I’d grab him in mixed leagues as a 5th starter.

Ryan Theriot – 2 HRs to bring his total of what the effs to 5.  Guess hiring Jose Canseco as his new strength and conditioning coach wasn’t such a bad idea.

Geovany Soto – Finally.

Chris Young – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Trouble with fly ball pitchers if the wind’s blowing out.

Adrian Gonzalez – 2 HRs and one call to his agent, “Can you get me out of Petco?”

Rickie Weeks – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is hitting .286.    At some point, he’ll chuck in 15 to 20 steals too.  This could be the year where owners finally see what he can do when he stays healthy.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  At this point, he’s probably ending up on waivers in some leagues, but if he’s still owned, I’d fleece his owners as they struggle to sit down.

Chris Coghlan – Member that month long leash Maybin had to hang himself?  Yeah, Coghlan’s now getting it. Hopefully, he can make a Windsor knot from the noose and call it a tie.

Dontrelle Willis – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  There’s nothing that a big Miguel Olivo hug can’t fix.

Brandon Lyon – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  You think when Leyland sent him out there for the 3rd inning he just wanted the game to be over so he could go have a smoke?

Garrett Atkins – 0-for-4, batting .195 on the year.  Clint Barmes is out slugging him .415 to .319.   In case anyone’s confused, Barmes is not having a good season.

Troy Percival – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Wasn’t a save situation, but it was still a pounding.  I picked up Wheeler in a league, just in case.

Josh Hamilton – Two games from the DL.  Two homers.  As his street value rises.

Russell Branyan – HR yesterday.  I’ve owned him in one league all year.  17/7/31/.271 — Not bad, right?  Yeah, those are Prince Fielder’s numbers.  Branyan’s 20/8/16/.286/1 — And I didn’t draft Branyan in the 2nd round.  Cust kayin’.

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite game, Fantasy Baseball, Fun With Numbers.  Ding, ding, ding… Bassoon… Triangle!  Triangle!  Triangle!  Cow bell!  More cow bell!  One last ding.  So in this installment of Fantasy Baseball, Fun With Numbers we’re going to look at some 2nd basemen numbers and see if we can figure out why one is touted more than the other.  BTW, this is the first installment of Fantasy Baseball, Fun With Numbers, I’m only acting like I’ve done it before because I’m gooftarded.

Player A – In 395 Pre-All Star at-bats, 67/9/47/.314/9
Player B – In 372 Pre-All Star at-bats, 53/15/58/.280/19

Player A is Dustin Pedroia, Player B is Brandon Phillips.

Player A – Last season, 103/21/87/.285/6
Player B – Last season, 86/21/99/.286/1

Player A is Mark DeRosa, Player B is Garrett Atkins

Player A – In 77 at-bats in September, 15/2/22/.416
Player B – Cherrypicking this player’s best month of April where they had 107 at-bats, 16/3/17/.280/2

Player A is Asdrubal Cabrera, Player B is Orlando Hudson

Player A – In 340 ABs last season, 43/3/37/.306/11 — Largely drafted.
Player B – In 298 ABs last season, 46/3/28/.245/17 — Largely undrafted and rightfully so.
Player C – In 375 ABs last season, 58/6/33/.293/20 — Largely undrafted.

Player A is Howie Kendrick, Player B is Luis Castillo, Player C is Kaz Matsui.

Player A – In 120 at-bats Post-All Star, 18/4/13/.258/3
Player B – In 175 at-bats Post-All Star, 31/6/22/.263/6

Player A is Ian Kinsler, Player B is Rickie Weeks.

Cust Kayin’.