Fantasy Baseball Advice

If Sergio Valente were a person and not just a clothing brand name and if he played fantasy baseball and owned Garrett Atkins in 2008, he might’ve said, “Garrett Atkins, you looks like craps. You know that?” (Valente talks with a bit of an accent.) Valente was right with his fictitious assessment. Atkins did “looks” like “craps” in 2008. But 2008 was sooooo last year like Joaquin Phoenix’s acting career. Let’s look at 2009. Can Atkins turn around on a fastball in 2009? Can Atkins stick in the third spot in the Rockies order now that Holliday’s gone? Will Atkins even stay with the Rockies? Does Atkins have too much pepper on his paprikash? Not to repeat, but to answer. Atkins numbers for 2008 look like this 86/21/99/.286/1 or as I like to call those stats, “Injured Scott Rolen Numbers.” But what about Atkins in 2009? Can’t a brother get a second chance? I suppose. (God, knows I’m willing to give Alex Rios a second chance in 2009.) As I said in our Fantasy Baseball Forums, “Atkins is a 17/80 player outside of Coors and he could get traded. There’s lots of third basemen that would be an upgrade over him even if he stays in Coors. He’s more the player he was in 2008 than he was in 2006.”  And that’s me quoting me! I go on to talk about how his OPS keeps dipping and his Away OPS is the “craps.” In certain situations, Atkins may be a keeper for you (think real deep leagues where you have limited choices), but, for most, Atkins is not a fantasy baseball keeper for 2009. Anyway, here’s some more keepers or players to not keep for your fantasy baseball team in 2009:

KEEP

Aaron Hicks - This is a very deep league keeper, but I just had to write his name. Aaron Hicks…. Look at that, I just wrote it again. It may not be until 2010 or even 2011, but in deep leagues that holds minor leaguers, Aaron Hicks is a keeper. He’s going to be a young Daryl Strawberry (minus the coke), according to Baseball America. (They didn’t mention the coke part.)

Logan Morrison - Logan Morrison is a raw, powerful first baseman. Member how the Marlins shipped off Jacobs to make room for Cantu? Well, don’t expect Cantu to stay around that long. His salary might go above one million at some point. Marlins have no problem promoting people so keep your eye on Morrison for 2009, and, in deep keeper leagues, he’s a good one to hold onto.

DON’T KEEP

Michael Young - As far as empty average doodes go, Young isn’t that bad. Then again, a sudden heart attack isn’t a bad way to die either, but you’re still dead if you catch my drift.

First we went over the top 20 catchers for 2008, then top 20 1st basemen for 2008 and top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Now, as they say in the tire business, we roll right along moving onto the top 20 3rd basemen for 2008. This year third base gets the gas face. Starts off predictably with Wright, Arod, Braun then the list hits a hard left like Vin Diesel’s career after The Pacifier. Huff high, Atkins low, Mora there. The top 20 3rd basemen for 2008 list starts strong and ends up ugly like any match involving a white boxer. I’m surprised Joe Randa didn’t show up on this top 20 list. Ya know, the Patron Saint of Yawnstipating. Because, right here, we have The Joe Randa Also-Rans. Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2008 in fantasy baseball and how they compared to where we originally ranked them:

1. David Wright - My preseason predictions are nearly right on for Wright. Yet, I had him ranked #2 instead of number one. It’s not as pronounced as our first basemen list, but again, we’re seeing a theme in these top twenty lists, offensive was down across the board. Preseason Rank #2, Preseason Predictions:  115/34/120/.310/20, Final Numbers:  115/33/124/.302/15

2. Alex Rodriguez - Okay, you know Arod, so I’ll tangent for a second. He’s headed to being the greatest home hitter that has ever played the game. 553 HRs at the age of 33. He should surpass Bonds in five to six years. Since 1996, he’s been a top ten fantasy player. He is arguably the best we have ever seen. That’s not really much of a limb. Now, has there ever been anyone in the history of any sport that is so roundly considered arguably the best of all-time and simultaneously ignored? (Yes, there were a lot of adverbs in that sentence. My bad.) Not to mention, Arod plays in New York. Yet no one cares about him!  He should be at least as “big” as Tiger Woods, Gretzky or Jordan. He’s nowhere near them. Okay, interesting, perhaps, but what really has me puzzled is why? Is it his lack of personality? Maybe, but Gretzky, Woods and Jordan were/are/were an amalgamation of what their endorsements made them. Is it because Arod excels with such relative ease?  Nah, they all were/are/were effortlessly great. Is it the lack of championships? It would appear so, but here’s the thing. Not everyone is a Yankee fan. If he helps them win 5 championships, this would piss off as many people as it would excite. So because of his lack of success for a team that many of you don’t like, you don’t respect Arod? Hmm… Maybe.  Preseason Rank #1, Preseason Predictions:  120/42/130/15/.305, Final Numbers:  104/35/103/18/.302

3. Ryan Braun - I had serious reservations about how well he would come back from his insane rookie year. I discounted him as much as I could and I still thought he should be ranked third for third basemen in the preseason rankings. So, as you can see, I still liked him a lot. I was just was trying to temper expectations because I knew his unreal average from his rookie campaign would come down and it did. Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  100/27/105/.280/12, Final Numbers:  92/37/106/.285/14

4. Aubrey Huff - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  96/32/108/.304/4

5. Kevin Youkilis - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #16, Preseason Predictions:  90/21/115/.290/3, Final Numbers:  91/29/115/.312/3

6. Chipper Jones - I can’t say his name, even in my head, without thinking of the great Skip Caray. You’ll be missed, sir. As for Chipper, he was in some kind of zone for average, but average as a stat yawnstipates me. Rudy will have something this offseason about why average is really the least of your worries when it comes to roto. Preseason Rank #9, Preseason Predictions:  85/25/85/.315/5, Final Numbers:  82/22/75/.364/4

7. Miguel Cabrera - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  110/35/125/.315/4, Final Numbers:  84/37/127/.292/1

8. Aramis Ramirez - What’s that smell? Aramis. His power is going down more than Stephanie Pratt on Doug. Preseason Rank #6, Preseason Predictions:  95/37/120/.305, Final Numbers:  97/27/111/.289

9. Jorge Cantu - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  92/29/95/.277/6

10. Mark DeRosa - Already covered him in top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 103/21/87/.285/6

11. Melvin Mora - You’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land where two Orioles third basemen are in the top 11. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: The Twilight Zone! Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/23/104/.285/3

12. Garrett Atkins - Already covered him in top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #7, Preseason Predictions:  85/34/115/.300, Final Numbers:  86/21/99/.286/1

13. Russell Martin - Already covered him in top 20 catchers for 2008. Preseason Predictions:  85/20/90/.290/15, Final Numbers:  87/13/69/.279/18

14. Evan Longoria - Didn’t start the year with the club as it looked like the Rays were purposely dragging their feet on another prospect, then he missed a month from August 8th to Sept. 13th and he’s still ranked 14th. Wow. Longoria’s going to be a good one. Preseason Rank #19, Preseason Predictions:  70/20/75/.285, Final Numbers:  67/27/85/.272/7

15. Mark Reynolds - The only player to strikeout more than 200 times in a season. I can handle 200 Ks if you’re dropping your badonkadonk more than 40 times. Reynolds’s 28 home runs? It’s not walking the dog. It’s not applying mustard to the hot dog. It’s not unbuttoning your pants after your second dessert. It just isn’t. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 87/28/97/.239/11

16. Adrian Beltre - I’d like to see someone put together a list of the top ten players of the last twenty-five years who have wasted the most talent. I have to think Beltre is somewhere on that list. Imagine, if you will, a player that has Beltre’s talent and Ankiel’s desire. Preseason Rank #11, Preseason Predictions:  85/25/85/.260/7, Final Numbers:  74/25/77/.266/8

17. Troy Glaus - I thought he was going to be bad. He was bad. In the preseason, I ranked him 17th and here he is. Don’t you love how that happens. Preseason Rank #17, Preseason Predictions:  65/22/70/.255, Final Numbers:  69/27/99/.270

18. Casey Blake - Turned out to be exactly the end of the draft bargain I thought he would be. Many of you probably had Kouzmanoff, Encarnacion, Guillen, Lowell and Gordon instead of Blake, but guess who is on this list and guess who is not. Okay, no fair, you’re looking at the list.  Preseason Rank #21, Preseason Predictions:  75/20/75/.270/5, Final Numbers:  71/21/81/.274/3

19. Chone Figgins - A pretty terrible season for Figgy when you look at the numbers, but if you look at how many games he played (116), it turns out he had simply a medicore season. Preseason Rank #14, Preseason Predictions:  105/5/60/.290/45, Final Numbers:  72/1/22/.276/34

20. Ty Wigginton - Already covered him in top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #18, Preseason Predictions:  70/20/70/.270, Final Numbers:  50/23/58/.285

We’ve already went over the top 20 catchers for 2008; soon we’ll go over the top 20 2nd basemen for 2008, but right now we’re going over the top 20 1st basemen for 2008. It’s a look back, ya’ll! Don’t worry, soon we’ll look forward, but how you know where you at, if you don’t know where you been? Understand where I’m coming from? B-Real! Looking at the top 20 1st basemen is a lot more exciting than looking at the top 20 catchers for 2008. Because these 1st basemen can actually make a difference? Um, yeah. Dur. As previously noted on this blog, Hardball Times has already looked at our preseason top twenty 1st basemen — that I did on JANUARY 10TH, btw. (Sorry, for the caps, but it’s pretty impressive how right on I am considering when I did the predictions.) Well, now it’s our turn to hold up a reflective surface to our own list. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2008 and how they compared to where we originally ranked them:

1. Albert Pujols - Going into 2008, Pujols had some question marks due to a lackluster (by his standards) 2007 and a balky elbow. Pujols took a high-grade tear and put up high-grade numbers. Ruth’s Chris USDA Prime, and ya know that! Preseason Rank #1, Preseason Predictions:  110/40/115/.330/2, Final Numbers:  100/37/116/.350/7

2. Lance Berkman - The real difference between the preseason expectations and the actual numbers are the steals, but I’m going to paraphrase something Rudy says, “If speed is not a player’s game, you can’t count on any steals.” Which means you count on steals from Willy Taveras, you do not count on steals from Lance Berkman. Anything you get is a plus. Preseason Rank #7, Preseason Predictions:  110/30/115/.290/5, Final Numbers:  114/29/106/.312/18

3. Mark Teixeira - I thought he’d put up almost exactly the numbers he did put up. Yet, I ranked him at #5 and he came in at #3. What does that tell you? 1st basemen numbers were down? Excellent, Daniel-san. Now catch me something bigger than a fly and put some Catsup on it. Preseason Rank #5, Preseason Predictions:  110/35/120/.305, Final Numbers: 102/33/121/.308/2

4. Aubrey Huff - There’s always a few guys that maintain their hot starts that I will never trust — Cliff Lee, Xavier Nady and Aubrey Huff, to name a few. You can own them; just don’t trust them. To paraphrase what I said earlier in the year, Aubrey Huff reminds me of Mike Lowell. Will he get 15 home runs or will he hit 30? Will he hit .250 or .300? Huff’s an enigma wrapped in a girl’s name. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  96/32/108/.304/4

5. Kevin Youkilis - I was so close in my preseason predictions (I switched Youuuuuuk’s Runs and RBIs because he switched from the top of the lineup to the sixth spot. If people think that’s cheating, here’s something for you), but Youuuuuuuuk jumping from 14th to 5th shows how truly Jason Kendall-weak the first basemen were this year. (This was the point of that Hardball Times article.) I haven’t gone over my research yet for 2009 conclusively, but I do believe 1st base will be a bit deeper next year. This will be something to watch. If your leaguemates overestimate the depth of the 1st basemen position, you could be sitting pretty if you reach for one early. We’ll go over this more during the winter. Preseason Rank #14, Preseason Predictions:  90/21/115/.290/3, Final Numbers:  91/29/115/.312/3

6. Miguel Cabrera - Looks like it was Cabrera that missed Olivo’s hugs more than the other way around. But, in the end, Miguel Cabrera gave about what he always gives minus some runs and average. He’ll probably be in my top ten for 2009. God, I can’t wait for the 2009 season. Is that weird? (Note: Cabrera gained 1st base eligibility during the season so he was only ranked for third basemen. The top twenty third basemen for 2008 will be here next week.) Preseason Predictions:  110/35/125/.315/4, Final Numbers:  84/37/127/.292/1

7. Ryan Howard - Frankly, I want Howard a lot higher than he’s ranked here. His major negative is his average, but you can outweigh that with some high average middle infielders and get exactly what you need from Howard, which is– a recipe for a deep-fried Twinkie? No. Power. Recognize! Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  100/50/140/.275, Final Numbers:  105/48/146/.251

8. Justin Morneau - Flyball rate stayed, well, down and the power never really came around this season. His “known” makes him seem more valuable than his actual production at this point. Seems like he’s destined to fall somewhere between five and ten in 1st basemen rankings. Preseason Rank #8, Preseason Predictions:  90/35/110/.275, Final Numbers:  97/23/129/.300

9. Adrian Gonzalez - He’ll prolly be ranked about here for the next five years. Unless he gets traded to Coors. Holy heffin’ hey! Imagine A-Gonz in Coors? Hey, Holliday, don’t worry about that slacker Atkins. I’m here to hit 45 home runs. You’re welcome. Oh, and I’m a chubby chaser. Preseason Rank #9, Preseason Predictions:  90/33/105/.280, Final Numbers:  103/36/119/.279

10. Carlos Delgado - From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Delgado? This yeario, Fife. Preseason Rank #17, Preseason Predictions:  70/28/95/.260, Final Numbers:  96/38/115/.271/1

11. Prince Fielder - You can’t eat salad on a stick! Man up. Preseason Rank #2, Preseason Predictions:  115/50/125/.285, Final Numbers:  86/34/102/.276/3

12. Jorge Cantu - In one of the best threads over in the Razzball forums, I named Cantu as one of my Fantasy MVPs. Poppycock, you say. Okay, but what the eff is poppycock and why are you saying it? When Hafner went down with I-ain’t-got-no-roids-itis and I wanted to commit Pronkicide, I grabbed Delgado or Cantu in just about all of my leagues. Mostly Cantu because he was more available. Anyway, he saved quite a few teams for me. I heart Cantu. Get over it. Unranked in Preseason, Final Numbers:  92/29/95/.277/6

13. Derrek Lee - His power really evaporated. There were doubles at the end of ‘07 that seemed to be forecasting a power comeback in ‘08, but it just never happened. Also, I find it fascinating that his runs are so down from my predictions considering the Cubs success this year. Since this is probably only fascinating to me, I’ll move on. Preseason Rank #6, Preseason Predictions:  110/30/115/.290/5, Final Numbers:  93/20/90/.291/8

14. Joey Votto - I steamed up my colored contacts talking about Votto a few times this year — keep Votto? Fo shotto. (Note: I didn’t rank most rookies in the preseason top 20s, but I did make some preseason predictions for rookies.)  Preseason Unranked, Preseason Predictions:  .285/20/75, Final Numbers:  69/24/84/.297/7

15. Jose Lopez - He was unranked, but on April 4th, I told you to pick up Lopez, when I said, “If you have an erection for longer than four hours after you pick up Lopez, you should go see a doctor. But he’s hitting number two on the Mariners. So, well, there’s that. Honestly, he’s young and he’s started off hot.” And that’s me quoting me! I’ll have to look at his numbers closer going forward, but I might like him next year (for 2nd base, obviously). Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 80/17/89/.297/6

16. Conor Jackson - At 26, his power took a step backwards? Who are you — Felipe Lopez? The only adverb I can think of for Conor Jackson is yawstipatingly. I prefer all of the guys ranked below him on this list, except for Loney. Why, Grey? Why so down? Well, random italicized voice, Conor Jackson is only ranked this high because he gave you 10 steals. That’s no reason to have a 1st baseman. You could’ve had an off-waivers Juan Pierre for one good week and got half of that. Unranked in Preseason, Final Numbers:  87/12/75/.300/10

17. Garrett Atkins - Watch your toes, everyone. Atkins is taking a step backwards. Home runs have gone from 29 to 25 to 21. In 2009, hello 17 home runs. (Note: Atkins gained 1st base eligibility during the season so he was only ranked for 3rd basemen. In fairness, if I had ranked him, I would’ve placed him higher than 17th.) Preseason Predictions:  85/34/115/.300, Final Numbers:  86/21/99/.286/1

18. Adam Dunn - I’m a huge fan of Dunn. Ain’t that apropos? His average took a hit, but his BABIP shows he was pretty unlucky this year. When a guy aims for .250 gets unlucky, it becomes a sub-.240 average. Zoinks! (Note: Dunn gained 1st base eligibility during the season so he was only ranked for outfielders. In fairness, if I had ranked him, I would’ve placed him higher than 18th.) Preseason Predictions:  100/45/110/.265/7, Final Numbers:  79/40/100/.236/2

19. James Loney - His preseason predictions and his final numbers speak a ton about the problems 1st basemen had this year. See I pegged him for 19th overall amongst 1st basemen and he came in at 19th, you would think his final numbers would be close to his preseason predictions, but his numbers were awful. We get it! 1st basemen numbers were down. School’s out, Alice Cooper. Preseason Rank #19, Preseason Predictions:  95/22/85/.315, Final Numbers:  66/13/90/.289/7

20. Carlos Pena - My instincts back in January were to lower him even further than the 11th place perch where I ranked him. As Malcolm Gladwell would say, “Blink, sucka!” Preseason Rank #11, Preseason Predictions:  85/22/80/.260, Final Numbers:  76/31/102/.247/1

Justin Morneau can hit 20 home runs in the 2nd half. Will he? Let me take out my voodoo chicken… Seriously, I’m not a fortune teller. What, you think I have some kind of Pagan Gods telling me what to do? (Bee tee dubya, I considered not capping Pagan. Because, honestly, how many Pagans really read this site? Is that our largest demographic? Probably.) So if I had Pagan Gods telling me what to do… Wait a second, isn’t a Pagan God just a tad contradictory? It’s like an Anarchist Organization. (Again, I contemplated not capping Anarchist Organization, but, well… Why chance it? These are the last people you want to bother. I could see it now, Grey Albright was murdered today because he didn’t cap Anarchist. Suspects include Anarchists and Grammar Nazis.) Morneau hit 24 home runs in the 1st half of last year, then got aboard the Goodship FizzlePop and hit only 7 Post-ASB. So I think you should stay away from him–No, I don’t. I like Morneau going into the All-Star Break this year and I’ll tell you why… There’s no good reason! Joking, of course there is. He’s 27, the magic year for hitters. He was great in ‘06. With the Twins back in contention, maybe that’s his thing. I like the idea of anyone that has shown they can hit 24 home runs in a half (and 23 in the 1st half of ‘06). That’s not something you find every day. It’s worth a gamble if you need pop. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Garrett Atkins - Last year’s 2nd half, 12/58/.349. 2006’s 2nd half 18/62/.354. If you’re having a hard time reading between those numbers, don’t. Just read them.

Juan Rivera - Zubaz4Fans, who has the best forum picture, name and hotline to the Bobby Grich-ville Angels, reports that Juan Rivera will be starting over Gary Matthews Jr for the near future. I think this sticks. Or as Rex Hudler aka The Hud would say, “Juan Rivera drives in runs!” (BTW, what other site do you go to that you get reports from someone who named themselves after Zubaz Pants?)

Adam Jones - .417/12 RBIs in last 12 games. If he becomes a star, he may get himself a nickname like Taipei Slinklo. Stay tuned.

David Ross - No relation to Cody or Bob (God rest Bob’s soul and may he be sleeping on a happy cloud somewhere or tossing and turning if there are Pagans reading this). Has three home runs. David Ross can hit 12 in the 2nd half while batting .220. If you can hang with that, hit your fist against the jukebox and pickup Ross.

Chris Volstad - He sounds like a character in an Anne Rice book and he pitches like Derek Lowe, but that’s not completely terrible. Could have some matchup potential.

Josh Johnson - He pitches like every other fourth starter. Some Ks, low 4 ERA, high WHIP. Matchups potential. Eff why eye, if you have too many pitchers with matchup potential, you have no potential. Chew on that!

Dave Bush - For two years, Bush was an unshaven mess.  Had promise, but needed serious grooming.  Stunk so bad that many men thought about giving up.  But suddenly Bush cleaned up and looks presentable… First sign of a flare-up, get out.

Any Pitcher Facing The Mariners - Someone just beat the Mariners. And someone else. Vicente Padilla just called, he wants to pitch against them this Saturday disguised as Gil Meche. Hey, you’re not Meche! *Padilla slowly backs out of the Royals clubhouse*

Denard Span - Sometimes we should look away from real baseball and concentrate on what a guy could do in fantasy — most closers, for instance. But with the Twins, it’s hard to ignore their ability to put a consistently good ball club on the field, no matter the personnel changes. With this in mind, I think the Twins will put Span at the top of the lineup. Gomez has an OBP under .300. I know some of you who read are new to following baseball, while others are more experienced, so I’ll keep this short. Under a .300 OBP is not only bad for real baseball, it’s bad for fantasy baseball. Either way, Span has no power yet, but he’s slashing his way to being a mainstay in the Twinkies lineup with very quick hands.

SELL

Carlos Gomez - Most of what I have to say is in Span’s. I will add that on April 15th I watched the Twins and I said this, “In your box score it shows a K in the first inning. He struckout trying to bunt with two strikes. You’re thinking, “Well, that shows how committed he was to moving the guy over.” Dude, he was leading off the game! I really don’t think you want CarGo on your team right now. He doesn’t know what’s coming or going with pitch selection.” Someone in the comments on that April 15th post doubted me. As I said in the comments then, Gomez has unquestionable speed, you cannot steal first base.

Vernon Wells - Punt.

Mike Mussina - What’s a seven letter word for an over-the-hill Yankees pitcher that will disappoint fantasy owners in the 2nd half? I don’t know how many people are reading this that are carrying Mussina on a team, but here’s a harsh reality. Last year, 5.72 ERA in the 2nd half. This year, he’s a year older and a year crappier. 1st half wins or not.

Billy Wagner - He collapsed (almost literally) at the end of last year. He’s not who he thinks he is, if that makes sense. I couldn’t be anymore down on a closer that currently is in good favor with the majority of the fantasy baseball community. (BTW, our community consists of me writing emails to other sites, “Could you stop spamming me? I don’t want to add your widget to my site.”)

Justin Duchscherer - I kinda want him to be bad just so I don’t have to keep writing his last name. But, truthfully, there’s a long history of converted relievers doing well in the 1st half of their inaugural season of starting than fizzling in the 2nd half. Actually, I made that up. But it sounds right, right? I betcha one of those fancy, sabermetric fantasy baseball sites would have an answer for you. But then again, they will bore you to tears. Seriously, I wanna go in and punch up the writing on some of their posts. Well, the cross-platform splits of the XBHs shows a trend towards the fourth-quadrant Least Common Denominator. Hardy-har, there’s no way Ryan Howard hits 16 home runs in July! That reminds of something Ted Striker said that made the nun want to kill herself.

I can picture Tim Kurkjian’s voice cracking, Is this a Great Game, or What?!. Joe Morgan won’t be invited. Bill James will throw out the first pitch. A nickname like Baseball Crank will be worn as a badge of honor. Someone will argue that Pat Burrell isn’t really that bad of a baseball player and make a perfectly logical argument. Everyone will be wearing a lazy frown yet be completely happy. So why does Santana start the All-Star Game in our world instead of in The Real World where he wasn’t even invited? (Not The Real World: Hollywood, which lost two key members of its cast, and now sputters towards a reunion.) Quality Starts this year: Haren, Hudson and Lincecum are tied for first with 15. Santana (it’s safe to say Santana would’ve got another QS last night if not for rain) is #2 with 14. Webb and Volquez win the bronze with 13. Yet, Haren and Santana are tied for 15th in wins with 8. Listen to some with 10 wins — Lohse, Nolasco, Cook, Padilla, Floyd (not Bannister) and, of course, Andy Sonnanstine. Okay, but what does this have to do with fantasy baseball? Everything, you schmohawk! If any potential trade partner thinks any of those guys gets to twenty wins, then you politely agree and rob them blind. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dustin McGowan - Placed on the McDL. I’d look McElsewhere. He’ll be an interesting sleeper (as they say in the biz, whatever biz this is) next spring.

Scott Linebrink - It was annonced he would fill-in for closer. So, of course, Dotel got the save. Yeah, that works. Thanks. If I was looking for a few saves, Dotel would now be the man I’d target.

Ryan Spilborghs - To the DL with an oblique strain. Doctor, I have an oblique problem. Well, Ryan, why don’t you just be more specific? Oofa!

Derek Lowe - Almost pitched a perfect game. Sounds like Alyssa Milano’s giving herpes to someone tonight.

Scott Hairston - HR yesterday. Guess how many he has. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Wrong! 14. You ready for a double dose of brain freeze? You would’ve got better production if you drafted the Hairstons instead of the Uptons. Ow, my temples hurt! Wait, here comes the knuckler — ESPN: The Magazine should’ve featured the Hairston brothers on their baseball issue instead of the Uptons. Stop, Grey, my eyes are bleeding from these sentences that make no sense!

Moises Alou - Still battling nicks and crannies. Probably has something to do with him being 84-years-old and older than his father.

Nick Markakis - I am Sparkakis!

Jonathan Sanchez - Got a tough break when the rain came and forced his start to get cut short. He could’ve went another two innings. Or not! What am I, psychic?

Carlos Quentin - 2 HRs. I see no reason why he can’t hit 5 home runs a month from now until the end of the year aka 35 HRs total also also known as 14 more HRs.

Garrett Atkins - 2 HRs. Now has 14 on the year, I say he ends with 27. That’s less than most think, making him a Buy Low of Moderate Proportions.

Mark Mulder - In the forums, Peter had this to say, “Mulder recorded one out in the top of the 1st, walked 2, then left the game with an injury…. On the bright side, neither of the runners scored… so it is arguably Mulder’s most effective start since May 17, 2006.” It’s funny, because it’s true.

Josh Hamilton - He gets high on K-Rod’s supply.

Juan Rivera - Hit his third home run and this is officially the last time I will mention him. Some other guys I officially stopped talking about this season are Carlos Quentin, Josh Hamilton, Dioner Navarro, Shane Victorino, Eugenio Velez… Okay, they weren’t all gems. (BTW, Velez just got recalled and Bochy said something like this (I don’t feel like looking up the exact quote), “Velez might get to pinch run, but that’s about it.” Seriously, he said something like that. Ouch, right? What? Without the actual quote it loses its oomph? You look it up then.)

Lance Berkman - 2 steals, now 14 on the year. Berkman is making a strong case for Fantasy MVP, if they gave out an award for that shizz. His numbers so far 76/22/70/.348/14. He will absolutely kill some fantasy owners next year when he’s drafted too early.

Jeff Francoeur - You ride out Player A for three months through the worst slump of their career, then you drop Player A on Friday when they are demoted to the minors. Now Player A returns three days later and, in his second game back, he hits a home run. Do you pick up Player A again? Or do you risk watching Player A perform well on someone else’s team? Within the answer to this question is your very existence. If you pick up Player A again, you’re the type to give people lots of chances, including girlfriends. Sure, she slept with my best friend, but she was thinking about me. Sometimes this leads to people walking all over you. You’ll think you’re happy, but you won’t actually be for your entire life. Now if you’re the type that doesn’t pick up Player A, you’re tough as nails, and no one walks over you. You also distance yourself from people and don’t cut people enough slack. We broke up because she talked during the opening fifteen minutes of Goodfellas. NOBODY’S allowed to talk during that. You’ll probably find yourself cold and alone for the rest of your life. And that my friends is the Intro to the Tao of Frenchy. You’re welcome.