Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yo, Hater Bell, here. Just returned from Tijuana where I stocked up on thirty cases of Rohypnol and three nights worth of donkey show ideas. The things you can do with Tequila, duct tape and a roll of quarters. Now to hatch my plan to take out ESPN’s top fantasy analyst, Eric Karabell, at the next fantasy baseball summit in Spring ‘09. Until then, I gots to take out his heart with my words. En garde, bizznatch!

Karabaloney decided to play with his Speak and Spell again as the ESPN “experts” went over their top 340 for the 2nd half rankings. There’s so many things here that make me long for a decent feedback form on the ESPN page that sometimes I find myself filling in the random restaurant comment card with Karabell suggestions:

The dash of cinnamon on the lamb was not lost on me. Delicate enough for taste, but not too fragrant. Now if you can only explain ranking Michael Cuddyer at 181!

So Kosuke Fukudome was ranked 112 overall using ESPN’s mathematical ranking system:

Jack Daniels(Radio Shack calculator)²= Top 340 Fantasy Baseball Players.

Karabell in his infinitesimal wisdom ranked Fukudome 102. Here’s the Karalogic:

Whille Fukudome hasn’t been quite what we thought, let’s remember this is his first year in the states. I think he’ll hit for a better average in the second half since he does take walks and has seen what stuff MLB pitchers have. Plus, let’s not underestimate what a .300 average is worth. It’s underrated, especially since I see him ending the year there, which means he hits .320 or so over the final two months. I see him ending up with 15 homers and 15 steals, which, combined with a good batting average, makes him near a top-100 player.

You need a Bachelors in Stupidity to fully understand this, but luckily I have my Masters in Throwing Out the Karabage. Let’s see, underestimate what a .300 average is worth? It’s worth .300, right? So he’s helping you about as much as who? Skip Schumaker? Excuse me while I yawn. That’s assuming Fukudome doesn’t continue to nosedive in average as he’s currently doing.

What if he’s more than his overly optimistic .300 average. Let’s say Fukudome gives you a little bit of everything. That’s more vauable, isn’t it? It sure is. So let’s look at the most comparable player, David Dejesus. (Actually, he’s not completely comparable because he did better than Fukudome in the 1st half, but let’s say he is comparable.) If Karabell said Fukudome should be at 102, where’s Dejesus on the list? Dead last at 340. Well, that makes sense. Yo, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

I don’t el-oh-el. It’s kinda girly. I don’t emoticon. It’s seriously not how a man with a ’stache rolls. A man with a ’stache rocks tight white shorts with his balls hanging out and does not care. That’s how a man with a ’stache rolls. A man with a ’stache doesn’t listen to Jack Johnson. A man with a ’stache drafts Ryan Zimmerman and then drops him just after the draft — Just. To. Prove. A. Point. That’s what a man with a ’stache does. A man with a ’stache cries when his vinyl collection falls out of his El Dorado on the way to his DJ gig. A man with a ’stache also cries when he loses Pujols to the DL. I am so effin’ effed in the effin’ Poo-hole. I’m praying he returns in three weeks like the Cards are saying. I’m hoping he doesn’t make a two column list with Pros and Cons on why he should just have elbow surgery while this other setback mends, because I know if I were making that two column Pro/Con list, I’d probably opt for surgery. I really think he might be gone for the year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball yesterday:

Alfonso Soriano – Will be out for at least six weeks with a broken bone on his left hand.  The only bright side to Soriano’s propensity for injury is his ability to bounce back from injury. Though he’s still going to be out. With Alfonso off the menu, the choices are now limited to Pie and Stale Cake (Jim Edmonds).

Victor Martinez – Will undergo MRI on his inflamed elbow. I think if you’re going to concoct an injury because you haven’t hit a home run in two months, you’d take the lie a little further than an inflamed elbow. Can’t he cook up a conspiracy that Jim Leyland passed around small pox infested blankets to all the Indians?  That would explain Pronk’s year as well….

Ryan Doumit – Third home run in two days. Is it me or does he remind you of Craig Wilson? (Not Craig T. Nelson aka Coach.)

John Lackey – Into the 8th giving up only 2 runs. I choose him as my AL Cy Young, then I jumped ship when he missed time with arm issues. Now I’m regaining faith in this Angel (sorry, that was dreadful).

Dan Uggla – Walk off grand slam. Wow, I wonder where he’d go, if I were drafting today… *wink wink Razzball Commenters’ League*

Andy LaRoche – My James Loney has a first name — it’s P-L-A-T-O-O-N. LaRoche’s here and he hit a home run. The Dodgers are only starting him against lefties for now. Add him to the marginal 3B pile.

Jason Kendall – Hit first home run of the year. Somewhere a tidal wave hit.

Ian Snell – Now this is the Ian Snell we all know and love! Oh, against the Nats. Well, made for a nice spot start for someone.

Luke Scott/Mark Reynolds - Mentioned them the other day as guys who are streaky and getting hot. Yup, more home runs.

Mike Pelfrey – We are haunted by Berman voices in our head saying – where was the Diamondbacks hitting – well the bats were in the Pelfrey!  Whoop!

Jorge Cantu – Hit two home runs. Yesterday in the Razzball Forums, I said this, “He (Cantu) gets to thirty. He’s overdrafted next year. He’s a disappointment in ‘09. Guaranteed.” I’ll tell you what, I can be quite authoritative when I want to be.

Kosuke Fukudome – The league’s definitely caught up with him, but he just hit another homer. 3 dingers in last two weeks. I put that into Japanese Google Translator then took that translation and put it into English Translator and out came this, “Wrigley blowing out. Jim Belushi could hit home run.”

Halladay is the vet who averages 10 innings a game. AJ Burnett is the high-paid free agent with filthy stuff. McGowan is the prospect that’s on the verge of greatness, but Marcum has the best ERA, WHIP and K rate. That’s right, Shaun Marcum! Wait, who? Um, he’s from Missouri. You know, Marcum! He’s prone to the home run ball and… Let’s see… He’s averaging about one baserunner every seven starts. He has a ridiculous BABIP that’s under .200… (Grey, please no numbers!) Okay, sorry, grasshopper. So what are some predictions? Marcum is a solid #3 starter that should have between a 3.50 and 4.00 ERA the rest of the way. *nodding off* I’m sorry. What? Oh, Marcum! Right! Wow, Marcum is boring, right? He’s throwing a .87 WHIP through May and I can’t get excited about him at all. Maybe it’s because he’s from Missouri. Where is Missouri? Do they have TV there? Isn’t that Cardinals country? Why am I talking about the Cardinals? Cause Marcum’s really boring. But he can be helpful. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Brandon Webb – Has dropped 2 in a row since the 9 game winning streak. If you convince someone in your league that he’s going to lose 7 more in a row, go for it. He’s as good a bet as there is for a starting pitcher right now. Worthy of a straight-up trade with just about any hitter not picked in the 1st round.

Jair Jurrjens – He was removed after 4 and 2/3 innings when he was up 2 runs. Sometimes a Cox yanking doesn’t lead to a happy ending.

Melky Cabrera – After a great April, Melky has been awful in May. Figure he’ll be in-between for the rest of the year which makes him a 15/15 OF who varies from 5th OF to droppable in most leagues.

Jason Bergmann – It’s hard to believe in anyone in Washington, but we’re fast becoming believers in Bergmann. 3 straight scoreless outings with 22 Ks in 19.2 IP. He was a reliever in the minors so it’s hard to project his stats, but he pitched OK last year in his first stint with the Nationals. Ride the streak and see where it takes you.

Corey Patterson – We suggest he move in with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. They can all star in Lost Boys 2. (BTW, after offhandedly mentioning Sidney Pollack in Sunday night’s post, I wouldn’t stand too close to the Two Coreys today.)

Chase Headley – We told you about Ian Stewart 10 ten days prior to his call-up. We told you about Jay Bruce eight days prior. Headley should be up soon too. So if you’re still holding onto him, keep holding onto him. Let’s reevaluate in a week. (BTW, I don’t think everyone needs Headley, but if you’re weak at 3rd or corner, you might.)

Cristian Guzman – I feel like he could go 100/40/.330/40 and no one would ever pick him up and, next year, no one would draft him. It would be an interesting experiment to see if Cristian Guzman hit 27 home runs in a month, how long it would take for people to think he was for real and pick him up. I’d say he’d still be at 33% owned at the end of the month. Am I saying this because I think he’s worth a pickup and no one is because of preconceived notions? Oh, heck no. I just philosophize about mock drafts and fantasy expertise; you can call me a White-Mustachioed Socrates.

Chad Tracy – No one likes a red-headed stepchild. All he’s going to do is steal ABs from Co-Jack and Mark Reynolds.

Salomon Torres – If you feel like it’s a broken record, I apologize, but he can be the closer for two months. Team decisions about who is getting paid more (Backne) might affect the outcome, but don’t think Torres can’t do the job. “This was paid for by the committee to avoid a closer by committee.”

Ryan Spilborghs – A Corky Thatcher-looking skull that looks like it can be bought at Spencer Gifts is an alien God? Karen Allen looked like she’s too old to be dating Tommy Lee Jones forget Indiana Jones. Shia LaDouce is a tough-ass greaser? Why not just put a comb in Jonathan Lipnicki’s back pocket? *realizing it’s Spilborghs, not Spielberg* Oh, um, Spilborghs has been batting fourth with Holliday out. If he’s facing a lefty, you should absolutely have him in your lineup.

Chase Utley/Ryan Howard – I’m only surprised when one of them doesn’t hit a home run.

Kosuke Fukudome – Lately, he’s been like Ichiro without the speed or Matsui without the power. Either way, he’s in a serious funkudome.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Gary Sheffield – Oblique spasms. Perhaps they were caused by the fork poking him to check if he’s done.