Fantasy Baseball Advice

Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be.  I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety.  No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right?  As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves.  No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right?  It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it?  Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report.  What a POS content farm.  Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly.  Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament.  Oh no, collateral damage!  Yeah, that’s not good.  Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa.  Wilkin, you better watch your back.  Or Dane de la Rosa.  Or Ruben de la Rosa.  Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference.  Quite the de la Rosa renaissance.  I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa.  “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa?  No?  Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”  Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky.  If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.

Barry Zito – Back to the DL.  I.e., baked Zito.

Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum.  You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy.  Sorry…

Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils.  If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start.  I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months.  He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).

Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP.  That’s what she said!  No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.

Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start.  This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER.  But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still.  You have to remain patient for at least one more start.

Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11.  Kyle Blanks — hype!  Anthony Rizzo — hype!  Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single.  Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy.  Of course, I’m joking.  Schadenfreude!

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days.  I’m only sorta joking.  He has 6 steals in 3 days.  Now I’m being cerealious.

Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week.  Where is he taking them?  To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice!  Gotcha.

Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.  And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.

Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!

Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday.  He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals.  Who are you, Andre Ethier?  That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run.  Of course you do.

Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz.  He’s about to.  Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?”  I tell you Kipnis.  You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time.  He looks like the superhero, Blok.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.

Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do.  They throw after they’re shutdown.  This should end well.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.

Matt Cain had a no-hitter through eight innings until an infield single by Jay Payton (who I believe runs with a cane, ironically enough) broke it up.  Final line for Cain was 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks to bring his season ERA to 2.95.  (Fancy metric alert!)  Last year, Cain’s xFIP was almost a run and a half greater than his ERA.  Or if Joe Morgan’s reading, gibberish gobbledygook > meaningful stat.  This year, more of the same.  So my question to you is, does Matt Cain want the Fangraphs Database to commit seppuku?  Leave FD alone, it’s still trying to figure out Austin Jackson’s BABIP!  Personally, I’m done fighting Matt Cain and his lucky ways.  I’ve overthought enough.  (Overthinked?  Overthunked?  Am I overthinking this?)  He’s in a pitchers’ park and he doesn’t give up homers.  Are they associated?  Probably.  He strikes out a fair amount and his walks have been in check this year.  Looks like a number #2 starter.  Wrap it up, I’ll take it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Now hitting over .400 in the last week with homers in back-to-back games.  If it wasn’t the last week, I wouldn’t even mention him.  But right now, it’s not a bad time to ride Dirty Sanchez.

Cody Ross – 2-for-4 and 3 homers this week.  Andres Torres returned for a second and pushed Ross to the bench, but now the Giants think Torres might’ve been rushed, so Ross could see time.

Melvin Mora – Hit his third homer in the last 8 days (which is a week if you count Muesday).  Mora’s family has a hard time speaking positive about him, so let’s leave it at he’s hot.

David Aardsma – DA has been charged with an oblique strain.  As soon as they find out where and what the oblique is Aardsma should return.  I’m thinking next year, the M’s say in a few days.  Makes no sense to me.  Why run your not-at-hundred-percent closer out there?  To avoid loss number 100?  I grabbed Brandon League in, uh, leagues where I needed saves.  My suggestion is you do the same then when you ring me up in the offseason we’ll have something to talk about.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 38th homer and, according to ESPN, he got an MVP chant.  This is news?  They were in Detroit.  They ain’t chanting “Ford was a Nazi,” that’s for sure.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Twins B squad.  Porcello gets the Suckie-O’s next.  Not a huge fan of Porcello, but that’s not a terrible matchup.

Jose Valverde – Pitched an inning on Sunday and should be safe for the final week.  I’d lose Coke.  Ron Washington, “What are you losing?!”

Brian Duensing – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  The music finally skipped a beat on The Duensing Machine.  I’d lose him in all leagues.  It was smoke and mirrors before and that went poof.  You don’t want to run him out there again.

Delmon Young – Hit his 19th homer.  I’m still on board with Delmon in keepers, but I’m wondering if he might be overrated next year like Sandoval and Butler were this year.  Doode’s definitely got girth, but I like 30+ homer potential from my outfielders.  December Grey will have to examine this Rubik’s moobs.

Jason Frasor – Recorded the four out save as Gregg sat on the bench.  *shrugs*  Honestly, not sure why.  If you’re totally desperate for saves, I’d grab Frasor.

Alfredo Simon – Got thrown out the game for throwing at Bautista.  Unsurprisingly, the ball plunked off Bautista’s forearm and went for a homer.

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  Jeff Feenuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.  Aviles has 4 homers in the last ten games and is batting over .300.

Billy Butler – 3-for-3, raising his average to .320.  Butler has always been terrific in Spring Training to earn the nickname, Mr. Grapefruit.  He’s now proving he just hits well when there’s nothing on the line.  Assuming that’s not a buffet line.

James Shields – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the M’s.  Here’s what I said in February (!) when I was mocking ESPN’s mock draft, “(The pick of Shields at 152) is not a pick I would make, but this isn’t so much about the time when Shields was drafted.  The real knee to the balls is in the comments where (ESPN) wrote, “Becquey takes James Shields with pick No. 152, and many lament that Shields is off the board.”  Why? Because of his mediocre K-rate?  Is it his increasing walk rate?  Is it his inability to pitch in away games?  Is it his division?  Are they using a new definition of lament?  Seriously, I have to stop before I get an aneurysm.”  Schadenfreude, snitches!

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros, who he owns.  Don’t press your luck with Maholm for another start and get whammied.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-5, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  As I said last week (or think I said), Alvarez has been very streaky in his short career, right now it’s the good kind of streaky.

J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Though there were some unearned runs for the ticker shock.  He gets the Cubs for his final start, which isn’t terrible.

Brandon Beachy – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Beachy is shore doing well.  (Clever with a capital K!)  Might be an interesting name to look at next year, but I wouldn’t mess with him in his final start vs. the Phils.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 24th and 25th homers.  I don’t care when they come, just get to 30.  Stats!

Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As long as none of my direct competitors this final week have Beltran, I kinda hope he hits 25 homers in the last week so some ESPN rubes draft him crazy early next year.  ESPN, you are my fodder!

Chase Utley – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer.  What’s that, Martin Prado had a better season?  I will now eat an apple laced with cyanide.

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Holy heffin’ hey, is this the most runs ever given up in Petco?  Did they play with the Rock ‘n Jock short fences?  What are you doing to me, Richard?  It’s the final effin’ week.  You better look over your shoulder next time you’re alone in the Gaslamp, you schmohawk.

Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Sonavabench!  (BTW, of course he didn’t get the win.  If he were throwing a perfect game, they’d still be playing because no pitchers I own can get a win.  I’m cursed.  Stupid Zoltar!)

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-3.  Another streaky youngster who has 3 homers in the last week.  (Look at me, I’m an oldster, saying things like youngster.  Now get off my lawn!)

Matt Thornton – Got the 2 inning save yesterday.  Chris Sale was used on Saturday but he only threw 9 pitches so he couldn’t have been tired.  Ozzie probably just forgot he said Sale was the closer.  Between alleged racism and Twitter, it’s a lot for Ozzie to keep straight.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  I told you he was getting lucky (probably three months too early)!

Mitch Moreland – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  Moreland was hitting below .100 in the last week before this game, so I’m not sure yet if this is a sign or a freak occurrence.  BTW,  yesterday there were 5 homers in Petco and 6 homers in the Oakland Coliseum… Speaking of freak occurrences, Lincecum would’ve sent those juiced balls back.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last three games.  With Hamilton out and Vlad resting his Ron Kovic knees, I’d see if Frenchy can hit a few more freedom flies.

Chris Perez – The mulleted closer was out Sunday as his wife was giving birth.  Here’s a Razzball exclusive look at the baby boy.

Hello, new readers.  No, this isn’t High Times dot com, but don’t worry there’s Doritos at the end of this post.  Hey, don’t skip ahead.  You have to read the post first.  Yes, the computer is talking to you.  Aw, I’m just messing with you.  The computer’s not talking to you.  You’re just reading, silly!  So, Bud Norris didn’t come out of nowhere to be my new Razzpick du jour.  Yesterday, he went six innings, giving up one run and K’d 4.  In the not-too-decent past, I mentioned liking his upside.  For our friends in Latin America, the caveat is his wildness.  The love comes from the fact he has more Ks than innings.  There’s only ten other starters with more than 110 innings in the major leagues that can claim that.  That’s one starter for every finger.  Unless Antonio Alfonseca is reading this.  The wildness is still there, but he hasn’t walked more than 3 batters in a game since April.  I’d absolutely grab Norris for the last month if I needed Ks (who doesn’t?) and some upside (of course you do).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Johnson – 4-for-6, 1 RBI in a 16th inning game that saw Roy Oswalt play left field and Tim Kurkjian’s voice cracking at the sheer craziness of the game.  Can you believe this game, fellas?!

Ryan Howard – 0-for-7 with 5 Ks before he was ejected.  That’s the golden early shower sombrero.

Ian Kinsler – Received good news that he’s about week away from trying to re-injure himself again in the major leagues.  Here’s to that next injury, Kinsler!

Luke Scott – Three straight games now with a homer.  He has 25 homers on the year.  I.e., the same as Adrian Gonzalez and Prince Fielder.  Luck my fife.

Bobby Jenks – When Putz came out injured (zipper problem?), Jenks came in and sealed the deal with a perfect save.  With Thornton headed to the DL, Jenks is your closer.

Hong-Chih Kuo – And Broxton is not your closer.  Or at least he wasn’t last night.  Broxton was the closer on Saturday then his next time out he looked like how Torre treats Kemp.  I imagine Kuo will get another save or two until Broxton can get his shizz together.

Matt Kemp – Notched a slam & legs as the Dodgers somehow made due without Pods’ grit and wily veteranship.  Perhaps Ronnie Belliard’s determinedness and Manny’s insouciance made up for it.

Chad Billinsgley – Will have his next start pushed back to Saturday because of a tweaked calf.  Hopefully he doesn’t go ice skating on his time off.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You might feel like you need bulbs the size of onions to start some of these guys, but dlR hasn’t given up more than 3 runs in over a month.

Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-4 with his 9th steal.  He’s leading off every game and stealing.  You really shouldn’t need more.

Javier Vazquez – Moving to the bullpen for a little while while (stutterer!) Ivan Nova takes over his starting spot.  Vazquez should’ve been dropped months ago; now you have no excuse.  I went over Nova yesterday, you can get to it from here with a little ingenuity.  The gist:  Always drink your Novaltine!

Carlos Zambrano – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’ll cop to grabbing Big Z in one league.  Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em or file a restraining order…

Carlos Marmol – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Your Ks make me so happy, your wildness makes me so sad.  It’s bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet, Big Head Todd.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-3 with a homer as he hit in the eight hole.  Big change from when Lou was batting him leadoff.  The eight hole for NL hitters is death.

Matt Holliday – 1-for-4 with his 22nd homer.  He’s doing what you hoped Markakis would do and Josh Hamilton’s doing what you hoped Holliday would do.  Maybe finally next year people won’t expect the Holliday of Coors to still show up.

Evan Meek – Recorded the save with 1 IP, 1 ER and 4 baserunners, bringing his August ERA to 8.59.  His name is looking more and more like an aptronym.  Hanrahanananan hasn’t been much better, so the Pirates may just play matchups, using both relievers.  Yes, a shituation that already yielded next to no saves just got worse.

Jose Tabata – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Steal-tuh-batta-batta-steal!

Kila Ka’aihue – The Good Eyein’ Hawai’ian hit his first homer of the year.  Can grab him in AL-Only leagues, but for now hold your junk in mixed leagues.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That’s nice, but he has a 5.26 ERA in August.  Porcello a mushroom cloud away from a blow up.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer.  I’ve already mentioned on a few occasions that I like Raburn.  Raburn’s the horse, and it’s been beat.

Jhonny Peralta – Now 5 for his last 7.  So far Silent H has been deadly for your fantasy teams, so I’d try and maintain my jhoy.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-4, getting comical how much he’s been getting on base (.476 over the last week) and still doesn’t have a steal.  You got the rhyming, now bring on the stealing!

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5 and hitting near-.400 in the last week.  Still only has 2 homers this month, but if the million other hitters I’d own before Matsui are taken, here ya go.

Mike Napoli – Sat out again as the Angels placed him on waivers.  It’s pretty normal for teams to place guys on waivers, but the irony is (if it is irony… no one has any idea what irony is), if the Angels were to see a team place a 20 homer 1st baseman on waivers and they didn’t know who he was, they would want him.  Seriously, Napoli, apologize for sleeping with Scioscia’s wife.  You were drunk, it’s all good.  Bros before, well, you know.

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Guess where he pitched.  Yup.

Will Venable – 2-for-3 with a slam & legs.  Was his 6th steal in his last ten games.  Yes, he really is this fast.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-3 and 3 homers in his last five games and now has 15 home runs on the year.  Looks like someone didn’t like that I compared him to Lyle Overbay.  Well, Lyle Overbay has 16 homers.  Cust kayin’.

Travis Wood – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Damn, roofied.

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  He’s on an insane hot streak right now.  One four-hit and two three-hit nights in his last five, three-oh-nine.

Freddy Sanchez – 4-for-4, 4 Runs and a homer.  The game before, 4-for-5.  Since Freddy got fingered to platoon with Fontenot, he’s hitting near .450.

Pat Burrell – 0-for-3 as the Giants scored 16 runs.  Ticker tease!

Coco Crisp – 3-for-5, with a homer and a steal.  Last night was a huge night for slams & legses.

Angel Pagan – 4-for-5, 3 Runs and his 31st steal.  Do you realize Angel Pagan is a top ten fantasy outfielder according to ESPN’s Player Rater?  Sure, steals are overvalued on that thing, but that’s still kinda crazy.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Starts like this happen because of the unpredictable nature of the knuckleball.  On a sidenote, this game saw Dickey going against Johnson.  Sounds less like a baseball game and more like a sword fight.

It seems like every year around this time I make Mark Teixeira a prime breakout candidate.  Why can’t he hit in April?  Does he need mittens?  His last three Aprils have produced a .245 average and 9 homers in 261 ABs.  No other month is close to that bad.   Last year, he got it going in May.  The year before he waited until June.  At some point, he’s always turns on the heat.  His park is terrific, his lineup equally so.  He’s always healthy, his HR/FB and BABIP are both low for him.  Yadda³.  There’s no reason to think there won’t be a turn around, bright eyes.  PABST stands for Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira.  As in, drink it up, cause that’s all you’re getting, you lush.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Luke Scott – Great Scott?  Hmm… Seems to be too much hyperbole.  How about Like Luke?  Yeah, that works better even if it’s not quite as exciting.  You won’t want Luke Scott for longer than another week or two.  He is this week’s random outfielder that can give you power for a few days/week.

Nate McLouth – Pretend this blurb is written in off-white, since this is a very faint Buy.

Jonny Gomes – Jonny Bat could be a longer term pickup than Luke Scott, but probably not by much.  Whatever though, he’s hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brennan Boesch – Doesn’t he sound like a proprietor of a German pub?  Maybe he’s married to St. Pauli’s Girl.  Either hoo, he has an opening for everyday playing time and he’s hitting.  Had solid power in the minors.  Don’t sleep on Boesch! (Because it’ll probably be uncomfortable.  Seriously, man, get a cot.)

Corey Hart – One of the few hitters on this list that could have value for longer than a few weeks.  If Hart gets back to the 20/20 guy he was not that long ago, he’s ownable everywhere.

Corey Patterson – Sticking with the Corey theme, Patterson is the leadoff hitter and… Yeah, it’s hard for me to muster too much enthusiasm for him.  Steals are a bit all I’d expect, so SAGNOF on that.

Jason Donald – I wonder if he’s related to Donald Faison… Eh, probably not.  Donald won’t wow you with anything unless he gets hot.  He could stay at the top of the order though, so you might get Runs.  Then again, it’s the Indians.  Yeah, this is a lukewarm Buy.

Francisco Cervelli – The Great Gazoo!  If you don’t know what that reference is referring to, you really gotta see this guy at bat.  Holy crap, he’s the splitting image.  Or is it spitting image?  That always trips me up.  Cervelli will give you average while he’s hitting.  May not last for long, but it only needs to last for another month while Posada’s foot heals.

Freddy Sanchez – Lord knows the Giants equipment manager is rooting for him so the work he did on the initials on Jonathan Sanchez’s jersey wasn’t for nothing.  That’s-a-my best jay period ever! Yes, the Giants equipment manager is an Old World Italian.  Sanchez can give you average, it’s a’ight.

Ian Kennedy – On April 9th, in the 2nd Buy/Sell of the season, I told you to buy Kennedy.  He’s now up to 23% owned in ESPN.  Even assuming 60% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned, that’s poor.  Give me your password and I’ll pickup Kennedy for you.

Kris Medlen – You’ve heard me tout him before, I don’t want your ears to bleed.

Chris Perez – We ain’t done with you yet, Mullet Man.

Aaron Heilman – I don’t think Heilman’s really that good, but, as of right now, he might be the tallest midget in the pen.

Carlos Villanueva – SAGNOF!  Todd Coffey, same shizz, different player.  I even grabbed LaTroy Hawkins in one league to stash on my DL, but he is a Cuddle Boy, so his rosterable time may be limited because he could desTroy your ratios.

SELL

Aroldis Chapman – So far in Triple-A, he’s sporting a 1.63 WHIP, walking guys and now has a blister.  He’s only 22 and as I said in the comments the other day, “I heard (Aroldis) compared to Randy Johnson and that seems apt.   It’s both a compliment and an insult.  As we learned last week, Johnson was wild as any turkey ever was.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting me!  I wouldn’t drop Aroldis, but I would look at trading him, since sources are now saying he may not come up in June.  Must be important otherwise why would sources bother talking about him?  There’s so many other things sources could talk about like Sandra Bullock’s divorce, the BP oil spill, the upcoming Biggest Loser finale… Speaking of which, I have a theory about The Biggest Loser.  Because it doesn’t work into the inspiration story the producers are trying to tell, they never mention the obscene amounts of sex going on in the house.  Think about it, for so long these women didn’t want anyone to see how they looked and God forbid anyone were to touch them.  Now, they’re feeling sexy, confident and horny.  I lost 7 pounds this week, let’s have an orgy on the rowing machine! It’s like Hedonism for fat people.

Jose Bautista – He’s hitting .242 with 12 homers.  So let’s be realistic, do you think he’ll continue to hit homers at a 20% HR/FB clip and surpass his previous career high in homers by, say, 25?  Or do you think he’ll go homeless man cold and be droppable in another month?  I usually say don’t trade for closers, but I’d take just about any closer in a trade for Bautista.

Alex Gonzalez – Hey, I’m like a housewife because I’m hating on the BJ’s.  Honestly, not sure what you can even get for this poor man’s A-Gon, but he hit .289 in April and .240 so far in May.  In April, he hit 7 homers; in May, he hit 3.  May is way more in line with what you should expect going forward.

Justin Morneau – I know, he’s the cornerstone of your offense and you kinda want to strangle me now that I’ve said Morneau is a sell.  WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY, GREY?!  Sorry, Mr. Caps, it’s not my intention.  OH, NO WORRIES THEN.  Morneau’s BABIP is only surpassed by Kearns and Austin Jackson.  And you should know how I feel about those two schmohawks.  Morneau’s HR/FB is pretty far above his career norm too.  Then you throw in Morneau’s wonky back and you have a recipe for a huge fall in value sometime soon.  May not be tomorrow, may not be next week, but change will come, nephew.  I wouldn’t sell Morneau for a bag of Funyuns, but I’d listen to offers.

The Disgraceful List claimed two more yesterday, Josh Beckett and Grady Sizemore.  Neither is a big surprise.  Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot.  Even when he hit a home run, the rain washed it away.  The Indians are talking about knee surgery for Grady.  Turns out Tom Sizemore isn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem.  I’d DL Sizemore until more news surfaces, but, if recent history is any indication, new news (stutter much?) will be bad news.  As for Josh Beckett, I’m more optimistic.  He can miss a few weeks, put this back injury behind him (literally!) and return.  Will he be effective on his return?  What, I’m Nostradumbass?  I don’t know, but it’s possible he has a decent half season.  I wouldn’t trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers and stash him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I jump into the roundup, quick bit of business.  No one likes to have to ask for shizz, but this voting thing at the Refresh Challenge is for a good cause.  To up the stakes, we’re donating a $100 gift card to Wal-Mart.  All you have to do is vote and comment “Razzball” over at the voting site.  The comment names will be chosen at random on Monday and the winner will be announced here.  That link again is http://pep.si/abEtbm — Wow, I feel like George Clooney.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Trevor Hoffman – Probably should be headed to the Disgraceful List but in the meantime the Brewers say he won’t pitch for a few days while he works on his mechanics.  Carlos Villanueva and Todd Coffey are the pickups, in that order.  Or the reverse order if you’re dyslexic.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4.  For the foreseeable future, Manuel says Davis will be the cleanup hitter.  I like how Manual makes these announcements every few days.  First, Reyes will bat 3rd, then Chris Carter will bat cleanup, now Ike.  Waiting for the announcement where he says New Era will bat cleanup only later to realize he pulled the tag out of the hat.

Livan Hernandez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s May 20th and Livan’s ERA is still 1.62.  I will now go drink cyanide.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP and the Win.  After the game, Clippard told Storen, “You’re welcome.”

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Said I thought Buchholz could be the Sawx’s ace this year, he’s only confirmed my thoughts.  Really² loved Buchholz coming into this year, but didn’t end up with him on any team.  I was Buch-blocked.

David Ortiz – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 6 games as he bats .248.  Ortiz is no longer *pinkie to mouth* ice Papi.  Think this is the new Ortiz, homers and not much else.  His name garners more attention than he actually warrants.  If you own him, I’d see what he could get you on the trade market.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 1st steal of the season.  Also, he has 2 homers on the year.  Haven’t mentioned much about this because I spend enough time telling you people my correct preseason calls, but Mauer’s power has gone sour.  Told ya!

Carlos Zambrano – 1/3 IP.  Yeah, that’s how you stretch him out.  Niiiiice.

Kaz Matsui – The Astros released him.  It’s the youth movement in Houston as they turn to Jeff Keppinger.

Carlos Lee – Hit his 3rd homer in four days.  Carlos wasn’t happy at all about me saying his days were numbered, obvious lee.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with one home run while he was robbed of another home run because the ump missed the call and refused to review the replay.  Seriously, what’s the point of having replay if they’re not going to use it?  Umps are useless.  Get a real job, like writing a fantasy baseball blog.

Aroldis Chapman – Left his minor league game with a blister.  Wait until he sees how our health care compares to Cuba’s.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 as the Golden Glove outfielder returned to the Mariners.  In the postgame press conference, he thanked his family for their support, saying he was a humbler, changed man.  Then a reporter interrupted him and Milton Hulk-smashed the reporter’s head into a locker.

Michael Saunders – Sat out yesterday in favor of Bradley and could be in for a major reduction of time until Milton loses his shizz and karate kicks Figgy for looking at him the wrong way.  I give it a week.

Casper Wells – Who?  The guy Leyland put in the three hole.  Will someone please buy Leyland some blank lineup cards so he doesn’t have to hit Casper Wells third simply because he’s filling in for Magglio Ordonez?

Freddy Sanchez – 0-for-4.  Never been a fan Freddy Sanchez, but at MI he can provide very modest power and average.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I’d look just about anywhere else first, but there ya go.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’ve touted him enough by this point, right?  You don’t need me to go on any further, do you?

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Wade Davis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was a decent start for the youngster vs. the Yanks. (Look at me, I’m an oldster, saying things like youngster.)  In 8 starts, he’s only gone longer than 6 innings once.  His WHIP isn’t pretty either, mostly because his walks are a bit out of control.  I’d let someone else deal with his potential/potential headache.

Jorge Posada – Will miss up to a month with a fractured foot.  Or as they say in England, a fractured meter.  If your DL slots are limited, I wouldn’t stress over holding onto Posada.  He’s still just a catcher.  Filling in for him…

Francisco Cervelli – Hasn’t done much except hit for average, but he’s done that well.  Now hitting .373 on the year.  Oh, and hat tip to frequent commenter, Buge Hoobs, who pointed out how much Cervelli looks like The Great Gazoo.

Will Venable – 4-for-5, 4 Runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Huge game, but he sits against most lefties and he’s batting .248 on the year.  Best case scenario, he gets 12 homers, 25 steals and a poor average on the year.  It’s okay in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy in mixed leagues.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 5 ER for an epic, glove-tossing meltdown.  Good to see Wood picked up right where he left off.  I wouldn’t drop Chris Perez just yet.  And if he’s out there on waivers, I’d grab him.

Lou Marson – Stole his 3rd base to open up the lead between him and Alcides.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, with a Run and RBI.  He’s been admittedly underrepresented in my roundups, but I find straight average guys yawnstipating.  Aviles is, however, batting .390.  There’s room for that on some teams.

Randy Wolf – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 15 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 5.10 ERA on the year.  Right now, I wouldn’t own Wolf with your team.

Nate McLouth – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s actually been hitting recently (.300 in his last 7 games), but he’s also batting 8th, which in an NL lineup is death, not depth.  Unless your league is deep, I’d just watch McLousy for now to see if he moves up the lineup.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in 2 games.  It took freakin’ forever, but Maybin seems like he might stick around in the majors for a little while.  Could be a photo finish in Florida between Coghlan and Ross for Stanton’s playing time.  Better make sure you punch out those Chads.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8Ks.  Has looked good for a few starts in a row now with a 3.28 ERA on the year.  But his last six starts have been against the Giants, Mets, Padres, Astros, Nats and a very cold Cards team.  I could have an under 4 ERA against those teams.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Going to see a psychologist to deal with his inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher.  It’s the yips (which only sounds racist).  This reminds of the time I was at Benihana and the chef missed his hat with a shrimp tail three times in a row.  The Benihana’s chef’s name was Mackey Sasser.