The DL slot in many fantasy leagues is one of the most misused and misunderstood positions on fantasy baseball teams. For most people, it’s believed to be where the hopes and dreams of their teams like Mike Morse, Chris B. Young (or if you like your KFC version, it’s Krispie Young) and Jacoby Ellsbury go to die while you go stick your head in the proverbial oven…or the literal oven, depending on how much you’re into this game. For others, they see it for what it could and should always be used for: an empty bench spot. To put it in literary canonical terms, it’s not just there for Paradise Lost, it’s also there for Paradise Regained (PS, I was an English major in college. PSS, I didn’t read either, that is what Cliff’s Notes is for. PSSS, now don’t tell me how bad my grammar is as I only read Chaucer, I didn’t write it. PSSSS, don’t get an English degree, you won’t use it unless you plan on teaching or being homeless.). Not only can you sock away one of your already owned injured players here, you can also put your imagination to the test when your team is healthy and use the spot or spots for a big dive into the ‘what if?’ pool. Don’t get too wrapped up on the concept that the player may or may not come back successfully. That is not the point. The point is you don’t know what your team is going to look like in a week, a month or two months which means you don’t know if some guy that is on the DL could make an impact for your team when they come back. With that, let’s get started on the first batch of players that are less than 50% owned in ESPN, Yahoo and Fleaflicker leagues:
Lorenzo Cain (ESPN 5.9%/Yahoo 15%/Fleaflicker 29%): March Grey told you to buy him and now whenever this gets posted ONC is telling you to stash him if you can. He was recently sent to rehab which is worrisome. I didn’t think he was friends with Josh Hamilton *re-reads news blurb* Ah, he’s been sent on his rehab assignment to double-AA as of April 22nd and there is hope he’ll be back within a week. If your DL spot is lonely, give it a little Sugar!
Mike Carp (ESPN 1.7%/Yahoo 13%/Fleaflicker 16%): It’s hard to tell which Carp is going to show up at your door. Will it be the one pan-seared in butter with rosemary and thyme that gave us a .322 average and 8 homers from July through August of 2011 or will he be the September Carp that your cat found in your neighbor’s trash can and drop a .230 average on you while still hitting 4 bombs? And was that first analogy delicious or what? The power is real, the average should be about .270′ish and he should be back as soon as he demonstrates he can play something other than DH. Go Fish!
Freddy Sanchez (ESPN 0.4%/Yahoo 2%/Fleaflicker 2%): This one may be more of a deep league or NL-Only call, but all I can say is he can hit .300 while providing a decent amount of runs with little to no power nor speed. Wanna know who that reminds me of? Daniel Murphy, the guy who’s hitting .321 who has scored 5 runs and has a 0/0 in the homerun and stolen base department through 14 games and is owned at a 92.6% clip over at ESPN. You say poh-tay-toe I say tubers because I like being difficult. He is set to begin his rehab assignment on April 23rd. If you’re in need, there are worse things you can do to your middle infield than give it a Freddy Sanchez.
Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna). That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year. Kudos to those of you who streamed, Humber. A few of our comments on Saturday went like this, “Grabbed Humber for a stream cuz there was no one else, then dropped him before I even realized he pitched a perfect game.” Nice Humberbrag! Before you feel too proud of yourself for being the first to pick up Humber, just remember that the last two guys to throw a perfect game in the AL are Dallas Braden and Mark Buehrle. The only difference between those non-dominating lefties and Humber is that Humber throws right handed and his first name is what I used to call the guy at the gas station when I was a jerky teenager. You know, I gave him an aptronym. Consider this perfect game less a reminder to pick up Phil Humber, but more a reminder that it’s generally a safe bet to stream a pitcher at Seattle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Marlon Byrd – Traded to the Red Sox as the player to be named later for an old bet between Epstein and John Henry. Teach Epstein to say, “I bet in eight years the greatest band in the world will be Hoobastank.” Marlon Byrd is a marginal power, not great speed guy that has more real world value, like everyone who’s ever been on The Real World. Think 12 homers, 5 steals. If that excites you, take your meds, you’re excited too easily.
Michael Bowden – The once interesting prospect pitcher went the other way. You can take that both ways, i.e., he’s no longer interesting and he’s headed to the Cubs (and presumably middle relief). I wouldn’t be surprised if Epstein knows something that we don’t know (okay, probably a lot of something) in regards to Bowden, but for now there’s nothing to see here.
Tony Campana – Finally, we’re done with real world value where things matter like bill-paying and not getting annoyed when someone refills the toilet paper so it unrolls under. Put it over so it rolls out! *breathe, Grey, breathe* With the trade of Byrd, Campana was recalled and started in center yesterday where he went 1-for-2. Campana can steal 30 bases in 300 ABs. He’s crazy fast. He just ran into your cubicle, refilled your toner and ran out without you seeing him.
Jarrod Parker – Fat Jonah announced that Parker will be called up by the A’s for Wednesday’s game. Last year, Parker was pretty pedestrian, but that might’ve been him still regaining his control from Tommy John surgery. I just thought of something: If I had something that was terminal and got to “Make a Wish,” my wish would be to have Tommy John surgery performed by Tommy John. If Parker strikes out over 8 per nine as he’s done in the minors, gets ground balls and regains his control, he’s the best starter you’re picking up off waivers right now. If he fails to translate his Ks and ground balls, then you have an A’s starter that could roofie you.
Jemile Weeks – 0-for-4, now batting .197. Where’s your manners, Jemile? If he were sucking this bad, Rickie would at least have the decency to get hurt.
Alfredo Aceves – I had this friend from high school, let’s call him Brian, cause that was his name. Brian got a job at a hot dog place that served the best chili I’ve ever had. So Brian got a job at this hot dog place and decided to start putting pubic hair into the chili. Word spread pretty fast and the hot dog place that was there for 25 years was out of business within 6 months. Alfredo Aceves is my friend Brian and that chili is the Red Sox’s closer job.
Daniel Bard – Seems slightly crazy that everyone, except the Red Sox knew Bard should be in the bullpen, but now he’s there. He just went from K to F or M. It might be temporary as his start was rained out, but I’d still grab him in the non-sexual way.
Roy Oswalt – Red Sox and Cards are reaching out to him to pitch for them. Razzball got an exclusive peek at the negotiations! “Roy, have you ever heard of my friend, Benjamin Franklin?” The negotiator pulls out a hundred. Oswalt shakes his head. “Maybe you’ve heard of my friend, John Deere?” Oswalt perks up.
Sergio Santos – To the DL with what I’m calling, “I told you not to draft him in the preseason!” Grab Francisco Cordero immediately. Though, I imagine unless you’re in a league with yourself and nine teams you own under different aliases, he’s gone. Though II: The Return of Though (that the critics dubbed: Why do they keep making Though’s): If you’re in a league against nine of yourself, I appreciate you still reading Razzball even if you might not need quote-unquote advice.
Francisco Cordero – Got the ugly save yesterday after giving up a run. Hey, it’s like he’s been closing all year!
Danny Duffy – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. Kinda felt this start coming. Still like Duffy’s promise, but he looks about as safe to own as Filthy Sanchez and Hochevar. Imagine the sun is made of walks and their wings are made of Ks.
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ugh, just having a real hard time advising to pick up O’s starters, especially one that had declining Ks before coming to this country. I’d let someone else gamble.
Giancarlo Stanton – He says his knee is better. From his mouth to God’s ears… Which I guess is him talking to himself.
Nick Swisher – Had a lovely time in Boston. 5-for-9 with 2 HRs and 7 RBIs. Then the lemon butter dill sauce on the Dover Sole at Legal Seafood effectively masked the spit flavoring added by Chef Sully.
Mark Teixeira – M-Teix usually likes Aprils as much as Garfield likes Mondays but May seemed to come a fortnight early this year. After hitting his 1st HR of the year on Thursday, Teixeira hit 2 HRs and a double on Saturday – including an opposite-field HR as a lefty. Our little M-Teix is all May’d up.
Michael Pineda – Had a setback during his rehab, which Girardi deemed “not good.” I’ll add “indeed.”
Adrian Beltre – Adrian’s rocky relationship with his hamstrings continues as he strained one on Saturday. Beltre is headed for an MRI on Monday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his hamstring says some wet blanket bullcrap like, “It’s suicide. You’ve seen your leg, you know how fragile it is….you can’t run!” Then the hamstring complains at Whole Foods when it has to pay full price for a Coppola wine.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. Can’t he party with Kinsler and some 19-year-old girls in a bathroom stall every preseason?
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER with a 11+ ERA on the year. To rope fantasy baseballers back in, he’s due for a six unearned run, twelve walk no-hitter.
Frank Francisco – The closerousel continues as Frank Frank gets the dreaded vote of confidence. When a manager, says someone is still their closer that gives them about five days before they’re no longer the closer. I’d pick up Rauch, but wear back support he looks heavy.
Daniel Hudson – To the DL with a shoulder impingement, which is the worst kind of after-start ‘ment a pitcher can get. He’s without a timetable; that’s a nice way to say, “Shizz just got real.” The good news, the MRI revealed no structural damage, but the MRI was at 2-for-1 Ruby Tuesday’s happy hour yesterday. Between Hudson and Collmenter, the Diamondbacks’ stalling on you-know-who just got accelerated. If you don’t know you-know-who, hint: he’s the next blurb.
Trevor Bauer – The Bauer countdown has officially begun. Or said again with a whisper scream as he’s distracted because his daughter is in danger. Scott has Bauer 9th on the top 25 fantasy baseball prospects list. There, he compares him to Lincecum. I think he meant that as a compliment. In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s time to start stashing Bauer. I think he’s up within the month, but could depend on Hudson.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs. And here we thought it was Krispie. The D-Backs’ centerfield position is an unknown location in Tibet with mystical powers.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. I feel the tide starting to go out on Boesch in the comments. I get it, he’s been terrible so far, but in most leagues I’d try to hold out. He’s in such a great spot in a lineup and Leyland Ron Popeil’s his lineup about as good as anyone.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Okay, you have to own him at this point. He has nearly a K per inning and a 1.13 ERA. I do think the bottom could fall out at any time. Or at least fall relatively back to earth.
Kyle Blanks – To have season-ending surgery on his shoulder. He didn’t blame the injury on carrying around David Eckstein in a bjorn.
Anthony Bass – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Juan Francisco – Homered yesterday as he started at 3rd. Too bad Glass Chipper isn’t due for a setback for another three days.
Jon Jay – Heading to St. Louis for tests on his shoulder. No word if he’s being transported by Clydesdale, but I think that’s the only method of transportation in St. Louis, so maybe it’s implied.
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kinda excited for May just so I don’t have to keep talking about this schmohawk in a positive light.
Andrew McCutchen – Batting .351 in the three hole and has 2 RBIs on the year. Guys and (4 ladies), your Pittsburgh Pirates!
Ryan Zimmerman – He was scratched on Saturday (aaah…) and then Sunday was rained out, but he expects his shoulder to be up to snuff for Tuesday. Bob Crane would say that’s hot.
Chad Billingsley – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros. Look in the mirror. See that person? They got sucked in by Billingsley.
Freddy Sanchez – Will start Monday his rehab, I said, “Whatever, whatever, whatever.”
Cliff Lee – The Adverb is off to the DL with an oblique injury following his 10 inning scoreless start. Little known fact – Jack Morris had to ice his moustache for a solid week after that memorable 10 inning World Series start. ObLeeque had a strained abdomen with the Mariners in 2010 that cost him a month – hopeful Lee this will be limited to missing 3 starts.
Chris Narveson – Chris Capuano 2.0 looks done for the year with a rotator cuff injury. On the bright side, he now has more time to sell insurance to the fine folks of Punxsutawney.
Tim Lincecum went six innings and gave up a bongillion runs and has a 10.54 ERA on the year. He’s either sharing a UCL with Wilson or he’s about to make a turn around. No pitcher is going to throw a 10.54 ERA without the universe abandoning that whole gravity thing. And in that case, there would be bigger fish to fry, and we’d have to fry that fish in a Jiffy Pop container, otherwise the hot oil would float away. Or so I read in one of Ken Cosgrove’s stories. Will Lincecum have a 2.75 ERA this year? Well, that’s a different bag of flying fried fish. There’s talk that his velocity is down, which makes his change-up less effective. See, you need one to go fast and one to go deceptively less fast. It’s timing, y’all. Could Lincecum be nothing more than a 3.50 ERA pitcher? Yeah, it’s possible, but there’s still value in that. I wouldn’t give the farm in a trade for him, but I’d see if someone was interested in the tractor. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brian Wilson – There’s talk he could rehab and not get Tommy John surgery because he has a moderate UCL sprain. Oh! Is that all? Terrific. Spray some Windex on it and get out there!
Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 with a run as he started for the 2nd straight day. Look at the big brain on Bochy!
Freddy Sanchez – Had a minor setback during his rehab. Hey, I know that impersonation — Josh Hamilton, right? Pretty good, Freddy!
Austin Jackson – 1-for-3, 2nd homer as he bats .405. He’s marching towards history; someone better put Ted Williams’ head in a microwave.
Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and a 131 pitches. I couldn’t get a one out save for Valverde here? Throw Grey a bone!
Doug Fister – Threw 10 pitches off the mound and another 90 pitches and, Dougie Fister, you’re on. On, on, on, on, on… But, trust me, you don’t want to see Fister beatbox.
Carlos Gonzalez – Out for three straight days with strep throat. For our Latin American readers, that’s no lymph nodus operandi.
Danny Duffy – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers. You kinda had to have nads of steel if you started Duffy vs. the Tigers. Or whatever the equivalent is for our four girl readers. It’s not even that incredible of a start. Or is it?! There was only one walk. That could make Danny Duffy more than just the cream of the crap on the Royals staff. His problem in the past has been walks, but if he controls that, guess what else he has? Yup. So far, he has 15 Ks in 12 1/3 innings. Sure, it’s a small sample size, but so are your hands and we know that’s a myth. Over 10 K-rate in Triple-A, over 9 in Double-A, over 7 last year in the majors, but he was a mess last year. Throw it out. Seriously, find a recycle bin and let Philip Humber pick it out. Means nothing. If he can get 180 innings this year, he could get 180 Ks. The ERA may bounce around 4.00, but there’s upside for much more.
Andy Pettitte – Will make his next start on Friday after he pitched 4 shutout innings on Sunday. May 10th is the target date for his return. Let’s see if they can coax Posada out of retirement, and then the Yankees can make every day Old Timer’s Day.
Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4, but whatever. The other day I saw Raul Ibanez on the front page of ESPN’s fantasy coverage talking about how he should be owned. I was like, “Hmm… Did I miss something between drunk Friday and hangover Saturday?” So I looked at his stats: 2 homers on the year, 9 RBIs while batting .222. Why is ESPN pimping this guy? Oh, that’s right, he plays for the Yankees. Seriously, imagine he was on any other team. This guy would get a feature? He has some huge years on the Phils and never saw any press. What’s Clay Rapada gotta do to get a feature? Freddy Garcia can’t get no coverage? Hey, ESPN, go get your shine box!
Michael Pineda – Threw 26 pitches in a bullpen session. It’s no marathon bukkake session, but I guess it’s something.
Ike Davis – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Hey, Valley Fever, I sneeze in your general direction!
Jason Bay – 1-for-4 with a homer. So he didn’t retire?
Jason Heyward – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal. I love that. Nothing gets me juices flowing like saying “me” instead of “my” and a guy who isn’t owned for steals stealing a random base. Get it, Heyward, get it!
Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Did we ever establish his over/under for innings pitched this year? How’s 130 sound?
Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors. I know, sonavabench! But better a good start on the bench than a bad one and then be worried about his next start too.
Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Looks like there’s some traffic, cause he’s also batting .405.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers. Matt Wieters Fact: He took two years in the majors to fulfill his potential.
Nolan Reimold – 2-for-3 with a pinch hit homer off Santiago. Now has 3 homers on the year. Since I’ve spewed nothing but praise for Reimold for the last three years, I’ll save you the time. I love him. If you really wanna go there, my Nolan Reimold fantasy. I wrote it in pink highlighter.
Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. On last week’s podcast, I said Santiago wouldn’t get out of April with the closer job. Cust kayin’.
Philip Humber – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Starting the week off with a Humber, nice! Not to be an ageist, but Humber’s 29 years old and hasn’t shown a whole lot. In AL-Only leagues, he’s solid. In most mixed leagues, you can probably find better.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer (and RBIs) of the season. Member when everyone was crazy about Kendrys in the spring? Ah, yes, those were the days. We were younger then! And you had hair!
Glen Perkins – Sounds like Perkins might end up on the DL. So if shizz Cappens, the back up would be… Have the Twins won yet? Oh, yeah, they have… Okay, so if there’s a Cappsizing… Um, well, there’s the Reading Rainbow favorite, Jared Burton… There’s Brian, the Duensing Machine… There’s Alex Burnett. Yeah, let’s hope Capps is okay… Wait, I own Capps. Yeah, I’m not sure what I’m hoping for.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and third RBI on the year. Another 98 homers and he’ll break 100 RBIs. Oh, Twins.
Stephen Lombardozzi – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs as he filled in for Espinosa. This is worth monitoring in NL-Only leagues. Lombardozzi has good potential, but I think Espinosa will be back out there. Though Espinosa is proving to be a painful 20/20. Like looking at Hugh Downs naked.
Henry Rodriguez – 2nd save yesterday and he has a 0.00 ERA. Nothing to see there, literally.
Wilson Ramos – Hit his first homer yesterday. He tried to get it back from the fan who caught it, but the fan wanted $50,000 in unmarked bills dropped off in an abandoned parking lot. Poor guy…
Mitch Moreland – Should be fine today after having oral surgery. That Hershiser sure is busy!
James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. I recall something in the preseason something about you staying away from Shields. That’s right, Random Italicized Voice, I was worried– You were wrong! Well, I was– Wrong! Are you going to let me finish? Sure. He has a 3.98 ERA career ERA after 1240 innings. That’s not the smallest of sample sizes. He doesn’t look like a sub-3 ERA pitcher like he was last year, but more like a sub-4 ERA. If you want to look at small sample sizes– Pull down your pants! Funny. No, what I was going to say is that his K-rate looks to be reverting to his ‘bad’ ERA years. On a related note, I tried to see some historical data for Patriot’s Day games because I was wondering if those games are usually low scoring because they’re so early. I didn’t find any data, but I ended up at Wikipedia where I found this, “Because of the unusually early start time as the first baseball game of the week, many fantasy baseball players are often negatively affected by the early roster lock time. Each year, this date causes havoc with owner’s lineups who are unfamiliar with the early start.” Are our commenters editing Wikipedia?
Fernando Rodney – Recorded his 4th save. Aren’t you glad you drafted (fill in one of seventeen injured closers)?
Daniel Bard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 7 Ks as he was throwing 36% sliders. Looks like the Bard’s already drafting a sequel to Antony & Cleopatra called, Antony & UCLeopatra where their love leads to a rupture that only one doctor in all the land can fix.
Cody Ross – 2-fo-4. In the Sawx outfield is Ross, Sweeney and McDonald. That sounds more like a comedy troupe than a MLB OF. Is that the Boston Groundlings?
Kevin Youkilis – Did not play as Bobby Valentine called into question Youk’s heart. How can they say that after he played with those two broken thumbs?
Yoenis Cespedes homered in yesterday’s second day of kinda real baseball played about six hours before I wake up. I wonder where Cespedes is being drafted now. When Rudy and I took our giant beach balls to early March drafts and took Cespedes in a bunch of drafts, he was going cheap. I wonder if now all those other ‘perts are suddenly stepping up because others are excited about him. I wonder if everyone else is a Monday morning quarterback with their advice. I wonder if Yoenis will hit 30 mistake pitch homers. I wonder if he’ll make adjustments and hit for a decent average too. I wonder how this would sound read by Morgan Freeman. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training (and real baseball) for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing, but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)
Mike Carp – Mike Sashimi ended up on the DL after one game playing in Japan. He should’ve never said, “Come on, pal! Fugu me!”
Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. I think Vargas is gonna have one of those seasons where you think because he’s the Mariners’ number two that he’s gonna take a number two on your stats, but he won’t. For now, I’ll call him a Marginer with future appeal.
Jesus Montero – 1-for-3 as he started his 2nd straight game at DH. Uh-oh. I was hoping to see Montero start at least one of these games at catcher, but now it’s looking like he may only start when Olivo rests, which would mean once or twice a week behind the plate for Montero and mid-May for catcher eligibility.
Dustin Ackley – 0-for-4, knocking his season pace down to 81/81, but will probably come closer to 8/8, which looks like what Dorothy Hamill would put after her signature.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 with a homer. Is there anything more satisfying than a home run for a guy you pick for two games before the season (actually) starts? It was almost as satisfying to drop him right after. It was like a one night stand where everyone has the same expectations. (I promise you when there’s a full slate of games I won’t talk this much about the A’s and M’s.)
Jonathan Broxton – Royals are leaning towards Broxton for the closer role. Perhaps a see-saw isn’t the fairest way to determine who should get saves. Broxton is such a wild card at this point that you have to hold onto Holland in most leagues until he shows some level of dominance/health.
Carl Crawford – Looking at returning at the end of April. With a wrist injury, I’d choose to March. Valentine said he’ll only need 50 ABs in rehab, I said, “No, no, no.”
Bobby Abreu – The Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels almost got rid of the Abreu-tross from around their DH neck last night. He came inches from being an Indian, but now the chances of it happening have reduced to 50%. If it happens, it’s better for both clubs. I’m just not sure how much better it will be for Kendrys’s playing time. Abreu wasn’t stealing much time from him anyway. Stealing time from Kendrys is the fact that he missed 273 games in the last two years because he celebrates like a buffoon. Angels have already said Kendrys will sit vs. lefties because of health. Not because of the sourpuss with the big contract that they can’t get rid of. Yeah, I used the word sourpuss. Now get off my lawn!
Freddy Sanchez – Expected to start the year on the DL. Welcome to the club, we expected that in October of 2010. That’s like predicting a fart two years from now will smell.
Jeff Samardzija – Won a spot in the Cubs’ rotation. He’ll be in the first Buy/Sell of the season later today. You can hardly wait. No, you.
Brian Wilson – Bochy said Wilson was never scratched on Wednesday, he wasn’t supposed to pitch. So Brian Wilson owners can Smile.
Chris Perez – In five pitches, he threw a complete inning. After the game, he said, “The quicker the inning, the more time for mullet grooming.” He should be fine for Opening Day (The One Not Starting Between 3 AM and 6 AM.)
Scott Podsednik – Told reporters he’s not making the Phils’ roster with them opting for Juan Pierre. Can’t him and Juan Pierre get into one pair of Ryan Howard’s pants and be a stealing hybrid that sounds like a French revolutionary, Robspierre.
Adam LaRoche – Returned to the Nats lineup after nursing a foot injury for, like, two weeks. Is it me or is LaRoche always hurt? He should change his name to Adam LaOuch.
Carl Pavano – A police search warrant revealed that a classmate of Pavano threatened to reveal a homosexual affair with the pitcher if he didn’t buy him an SUV. I’ll never look at his porn mustache the same.
Andy Pettitte signed to a minor league deal with the Yankees. I guess the Yankees cause mass hysteria, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by how many people asked me if they should pick him, but, alas, you still surprised me, you. In anything shallower than a 10 team AL-Only league, I wouldn’t go near him. He wasn’t even that good his last few years of pitching, so I don’t see how you can expect anything from him a full year after retirement. What this does show us: Never trust a Southerner who says they are retiring early – Favre, Oswalt, Pettitte, Strom Thurmond… “I just want to spend time with family, God and my tractor.” Yeah, right. Anyway, here’s what I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – The Twins are saying Baker could start the season on the DL. I’m saying he will start the year on the DL. The good news, he’s getting one of his half dozen DL trips out of the way early.
Kendrys Morales – Felt no pain as he hit against minor leaguers. Sounds like he should be good to go when the Angels face the Orioles.
Carl Crawford – Started to swing a bat again. He’s still starting the year on the DL, but this is encouraging. I actually love when good news comes out about a guy I want someone else to draft.
Jeff Samardzija – Sveum says Samardzija is all but a lock for the rotation. Obviously strange S last names have to stick together. Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t mess with Samardzija. Too many walks.
Matt Thornton – Robin Ventura said that Thornton and Crain are the best candidates for the closer job. No surprise here, and it will be less surprising when Thornton gets the closer job, then loses it some time in July when hitters start catching up to Thornton’s melons.
Placido Polanco – Left a game on Saturday with a jammed finger. Phillies then turned to reserves. You’d think a jammed finger would turn one to preserves. That joke setup felt longer than Tree of Life.
Logan Morrison – He’s experiencing swelling in his surgically-repaired knee. Not great news at all. He’s saying he should be good for Opening Day, but I’m not crazy about the thought of a guy who is having swelling the day after he plays in March. If I’ve drafted him already on teams, I’m gonna make due, but I’ll probably not be reaching too high for him in future drafts. The more guys I can avoid with minor injuries already, the better the sheen on my mustache.
Giancarlo Stanton – Will sit out a week with inflammation in his left knee. Is knee swelling contagious? I swear to the deity of your choice if I find out Logan Morrison contaminated Giancarlo’s gam, there will be a price to pay that includes, but is not limited to forever damnation. Giancarlo should still be ready for the start of the season. Bee tee dubya, I’m liking the name change to Giancarlo. He sounds like a European playboy, race car driver.
Carlos Quentin – Out for 6 weeks because of knee surgery. I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think the actual surgery will take that long. Probably some rehab involved in those 6 weeks. Twelve after twenty is the year major league baseball took a knee. How’s that for pithy?! Full of pith that Grey Albright. Am I right or am I right-right?
Bryce Harper – The Nats beat their projected ticket sales for April so they optioned Harper to Triple-A. Imagine Harper will be back some time in July, and no hell below us. It’s easy if you try…
Francisco Liriano – Pitched a near no-no vs. the Pirates. I’d like to punch him in his no-no area like the dwarf in Project X for what Liriano did to me last year.
Brandon Guyer – Was sent down by the Rays. He went 14/16 last year in 107 Triple-A games, and, because of his age, he’s ready to go in the majors. First sign of injury, Guyer will return and be worth rostering in most mixed leagues. In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth stashing him on the bench. Maybe we can convince the Rasmus Girl to do a “Guyer, let’s go” video.
Stephen Drew – Not only will he start the year on the DL, but the Diamondbacks are saying he won’t be back until May. So let’s see what we have, Drew who hasn’t really ever been great, hasn’t played in almost a year and his timetable keeps getting delayed. At this point, I wouldn’t draft him with your team. The Honorable Willie Bloomquist will now be presiding in his place.
Shaun Marcum – Beginning to look like Marcum might not be ready to go for the start of the season, but it looks like he might only miss a start or two. I would still draft him and not move him down ranking sheets. By as early as May, you won’t even remember Marcum missed one start at the beginning of the season… Unless you get hit by a foul ball at the Brewers opener, go into a coma for a month and wake up in early May.
Joakim Soria – Left yesterday’s game with elbow soreness. You’ve got to Joakim me? Soria’s been lit up so far this spring and now there’s elbow soreness. Then, after the game, he said he’s worried. Yeah, I am too. As late as Saturday, I thought Soria was in line for a bounce back, but then again I was drunk. You would think Soria’s broken eggs would brighten up any Holland days, but Broxton and his huge ass could block him out. Right now, I’d draft them all if you’re desperate for saves. I think if the Royals have any sense in their head, they’ll go Holland first and, if you have only room for one, I’d go that way too. Hopefully, Holland doesn’t have to go Dutch with the save opportunities.
Freddy Sanchez – Hurty Sanchez is doubtful for Opening Day. Could mean more time for Mike Fontenot or Ryan Theriot. Can someone please buy a hard T sound for them?
Chien-Ming Wang – Strained his hamstring and won’t be ready for Opening Day. That’s a real shame because the Nats invested in that giant bullpen zipper for Wang to come out of.
David Wright – Won’t resume baseball activities, which includes but is not limited to scratching himself and spitting, until the middle to end of next week. Member when the Mets were competing with the Yankees to be the team of New York? Had Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Johan… The world their oyster, and they turned mollusks to bollocks.
