Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday.  *giggles like a schoolgirl*  Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday.  *giggles again*  It was his birthday!  Man, that is rich.  The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17.  Not someone important just to rub it in further.  Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps.  “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.”  So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider.  My love runs deep for Mr. Snider.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers.  I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!”  And that’s me quoting me!  I only go to that to give you an idea as to what he can do in half a year.  I’d grab him in every league where you need power.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 27th home run.  The real crazy thing (to me at least) is Bautista’s a first round pick next year, unless A-Rod’s cousin comes forward and says he’s related to Bautista too.

Eric Thames – Hit two home runs this weekend.  Well, la di–No, actually that’s good.  Grab him if you need power.

Cliff Lee – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yesterday, The Adverb got modified.

Ryan Braun – Left Saturday’s game with a 22-game hitting streak and a calf strain.  He’s day-to-day as of right now (around 6:15 PM PST on Sunday).  On the hierarchy of players who get injured a lot, there’s three categories.  First category is players who are always getting hurt and missing significant time.  The category has a committee leader:  Josh Hamilton, “Ask not what your oblique can do for you, but ask what is an oblique and why can’t I stop straining it.”  Next category is players that always have at least one 15-day DL stint per year.  Heading up this category is Ryan Zimmerman, “There’s coffee and donuts in the back of the room.  Clint Barmes asked that the coffee be served lukewarm.”  Finally, there’s the category of players that are always dealing with nagging injuries, but try to play through them.  This category’s spokesman is Ryan Braun, “If anyone’s looking for Albert Pujols, he’s no longer in this category.  Also, let’s keep this brief, a lot of us are day-to-day and need to ice something.”

Brennan Boesch – Two games this weekend with a Boesch ‘n bomb.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 and a homer, but has only started twice in the last week.  You like him, I like him, but what did he do to get on Dusty’s bad side?  Did he steal his toothpick?  “What do you mean, you thought it was a splinter?  My best man, Don Baylor, gave me that toothpick at my wedding.”

Mark Reynolds – Hit three homers in the last two games.  All brays to Mini Donkey!

Nick Markakis – 5-for-5 yesterday and a home run on Saturday.  I am Sparkakis!  Honestly, if I owned him, I’d consider moving him in a trade.  He’s on pace for a 15/15 season.  I give that a small yay.

Chase D’Arnaud – 2-for-6 with a steal and has 4 steals in 10 games.  For those with a solar calculator on a cloudy day, which sounds like 1st draft lyrics from Alanis, 4 steals in 10 games is a lot.  If it was Eric Young Jr., you’d be so excited you’d be doing some Cirque du Soleil shizz wearing flaming leotards.  Yes, that clothing choice is a bit redundant.

Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam!  He’s also given up 8 runs in his last 5 appearances.  Pick up Wilton Lopez, he might be the closer by this time next week.

Josh Reddick – Did nothing yesterday but ever since Mike Cameron was designated for the assignment to stop sucking, Reddick’s been playing and hitting well (over .400 in the last week).

Ivan Nova – That bright star Nova is off to a galaxy far, far away in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, which either can’t make up its mind which city it’s in or the stadium is mobile.  Why do you care about Ivan Nova, you ask.  I answer, it means Yanks are about to *wink, wink* Phil up their pitching staff.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and a K.  Having a better season than Zack Greinke.  Fantasy baseball:  helping prematurely balding men lose their hair faster.

Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I have one word to describe Rodrigo Lopez — notverygood.

Johnny Damon – 7 for his last 9.  Plus, girls tend to like Johnny Damon, so if you pick him up, you and your lady friend will have something to talk about.

Hanley Ramirez – If I had known the reaction Hanley would’ve had to me writing a Buy post on him, I would’ve wrote it two months ago.  If only I had fed Morneau’s ego rather than continuing to knock him…

Mark Ellis – 2 homers and 8-for-15 since the trade.  Someone’s enjoying their new environs.  If you’re hurting at middle infidel, there’s no reason to not take the flyer.  BTW, environs is such a douchey word it wears Affliction.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 with a homer and 6 RBIs, but was carted off the field after he crashed into the wall.  Oh, no, CartGo.  Gasp!  Shudder.  Yikes City, Colo-ruh-oh.  However, the x-rays came back negative and he shouldn’t need a DL stint.

Jose Reyes – Day-to-day with a Grade 1 strain of his hammy.  He’s on the cusp of moving into Zimmerman’s category of injured players.

Matt Capps – He simultaneously sucked and blew on Saturday; his 6th Capps-sizing of the year.  Then on Sunday, he was removed after one out and the Twins went with Glen Perkins and his orchestra of pitches for the save.  Yet, Gardy said that Capps is his closer for now.  Pretty sure the emphasis was on “for now” and not “closer.”  If you’re save digging, Nathan’s a potential nugget.

Jayson Werth – Was hit by a pitch on his wrist and left the game, but didn’t want to get X-rays, saying, “X-rays are for people who want to make sure they’re healthy so they can play well and earn a big contract.”

Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  The only way Melky’s season could be going any better is if his last name was Furbush.

Eric Hosmer – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  At 21, he’s actually doing really well so far.  If he takes a step forward next year, he should be a top 10 1st baseman which is nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He’s now been rocked by the far-from-intimidating Giants, Dodgers and Twins.  Does he feel bad for these weak offenses and he’s being an ubermensch?  Doesn’t seem uber possible.  I’d lose him in shallower mixed leagues and bench him in deeper ones.  He’s unstartable right now everywhere.

Fausto Carmona – To the 15-day DL with a strained right quad.  His left quad said this, “Get better, I’m sick of supporting his ass!”

Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year.  He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery.  Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break?  First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis.  What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery?  Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor?  Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon.  Macrosurgery is the 102 class.  That’s a little known fact — literally!   For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs.  Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 with his 10th home run.  I’ll take bets that he gets to 25 home runs, but not that he gets to .230.  Anyone want some action?  I’m not talking betting action.  Come here and sit on Uncle Grey’s lap.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 22nd home run.  See, my gentle prodding of his miserable June paid off for his owners.  Now I will return to my Bautista dormancy where I am an RA.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  He’s such a peg boy!

Shaun Marcum – Left the game after reaggravating his hip and his owners.  He says he’ll be fine for his next start.  We’ll see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Travis Wood – Sent down to Triple-A.  All they have to do is send down Votto and Bruce and their AAA club will be the better team.

Joel Hanrahan – Got his 20th save yesterday, which is a feat because he pitches for the Pirates.  It usually takes until end of August before they have 20 saves as a team.  Hanrahanananananan’s ERA/WHIP is 1.31/0.96 and he has 30 Ks in 34 IP.   Sorry, Mr. Peralta, but you’re looking at the best reliever named Joel in the majors!

Kevin Correia – Got his 9th win of the year – making him the most successful Pirate this year outside of the Somali coast.

Neftali Feliz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and his 4th blown save.  Now has 19 Ks to 15 walks in 28 innings.  He’s not getting replaced any time soon, but something is up with him.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see another DL stint from him this summer.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hitting .359 on the year and he went 4-for-4 against his old team.  Who’s your Padre, San Diego!?

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks in Fenway.  That’s exactly what Vegas projected for Richard.  Oh, wait, they projected 1 inning, 5 runs, 10 baserunners.

Albert Pujols – Love this ESPN title yesterday, “Pujols Feels Healthy Aside From Fracture.”  Yeah, and Willie McGee felt beautiful except for his face.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 7th home run– Psych!  I’m not talking about him because then I’ll gonna get inundated with catcher questions.  “No, thank you,” says Grey as he splashes on his Drakkar.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s something bonkers.  On Rudy’s AL-Only team, his staff is Hellickson, Hughes, Garcia, Coke, Britton, Fister and Baker.  Has a 3.58 ERA / 1.27 WHIP.  If you drafted that staff in the beginning of the year with high hopes, I’d say you were just high.  Goes to show you, no one knows anything, William Goldman.

Torii Hunter – Double I left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He has bruised ribs.  The wall has a strained oblique.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 1.73 ERA.  Last year Colby Lewis returned from Japan with great results.  This year it’s Vogelsong.  Konichiwa, Fausto Carmona!

Ty Wigginton – On Monday morning, I said Wigginton hit a home run on Sunday and now his over/under for the week is 3.  Yesterday, he hit two home runs.  Still taking the under?

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have no doubts of his ability if he stays healthy.  However, that ‘if’ is the size of the car that was used to take Shirley Hemphill and Fred Berry to the set.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run yesterday.  That’s all you need to know.  He gets about as crazy hot as Wigginton when he’s going right.  Has 9 homers now.  Might have 16 before he goes cold again.  I added him in any daily leagues where I could (can’t trust him to play every day for weekly leagues).

Chris Heisey – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and 3 home runs as he became the 207th player this year to hit 3 homers in a game.  Only a slight exaggeration.  Before this game, he was one for the last week.  I really like Heisey, but in Dusty Baker’s book titled, “OBP Stands For Oh B**** Please,” his 3rd chapter is, “Why Play Three Outfielders When Five Will Do?” says all you need to know about Hesiey.  So unless Dusty goes with a short center fielder it’s hard to own Heisey outside of deep daily leagues where you can move him in and out of the lineup.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in Metco.  After the game, Gio said he’d love to pitch for the Mets one day or against them every day.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  But at least he wasn’t injured.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t need to see the Zapruder film of all of Kennedy starts to know that he’s not a 2.90 ERA pitcher.  He shouldn’t completely collapse, but c’mon.

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  One of the more disappointing guys we own.  In Dodgers Stadium, this guy should have a 3.20-ish ERA.  Then he gets 8 Ks and only walks one yesterday, which isn’t bad…Ugh, he’s pretty unstartable right now.  Lilly, you’ve gilded me for the last time!

Matt Kemp – 3-for-3 and he’s already at 20/20.  Now I see what Rihanna saw in him.  He’s damn sexy!

Jonathan Broxton – Mattingly said Broxton will be the loser when he returns.  Oops, Freudian slip!  Mattingly must be looking through the rear view mirror to see the Broxton of the 1st half of 2010.  I guess it’s true — objects in the rear view mirror are better Closers than they appear.

Can we stop talking about how running into the catcher is “not” part of baseball? It’s getting really old and stupidity is bleeding from every multimedia channel. If Matt Treanor, or Misty May for that matter, got run over and injured this would be a blip on the radar for baseball. All I can say is I can’t wait until the Marlins and Giants play again and settle their differences with a good ol’ donnybrook. Baseball settles its differences between the lines, and all this talk about how one of the prodigal sons of baseball got hurt is a snooze fest. I am old school when watching this game.  If you don’t want to get hit, don’t stand on the tracks when the train is coming through. Okay, rant over. There seems to be lots of speculation going on in the game right now. Who will be buyers and who will be sellers. This has some rippling effects on fantasy as guys switch leagues and make AL/NL only leagues scramble for FAAB bucks. Should be a fun next month of real baseball and hope that it relates well to fake baseball. Good luck on this week’s fantasy endeavors. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

6/8
Danny Duffy vs. TOR – Villanueva
Paul Maholm vs. ARI – Duke
Josh Outman @BAL- Britton

6/9
Josh Collmenter @Pit – Karstens
Jonathon Niese @ Mil – Gallardo
Derek Holland @ Min – Blackburn

6/10
Dillon Gee @ PIT – Morton
Jason Marquis @ SD – Latos
Ryan Vogelsong vs. CIN – Wood

Rick Porcello (@Tex vs. Harrison, Sea vs. Hernandez) Has gotten numbers to look healthier against bad hitting teams, now re-read who he is playing this week. Strugglin’ against LH, but away ERA is a cozy 2.39.

Joel Pineiro (TB vs. Price, KC vs. O’Sullivan) Still gunning for that milestone win. K’s are nonexistent basically. Nothing cures offensive ills better than a good ol’ swig of O’Sullivans.

Freddy Garcia (Bos vs. Lester, Cle vs. Tomlin) Anyone remember Freddy from the old Yankee stadium who used to bang on his pot and have funny limericks on a sign? Yeah, this isn’t him. WHIP is still bad, but lineup chases all evil flying monkeys away.

Mike Leake (CHC vs. Lopez, @SF vs. Sanchez) Not for nothing, but wasn’t he Kelly Leake’s dad in the Bad News Bears? Cincy’s lineup makes him look better. Going to win a lot of 8-6 type ballgames.

Clayton Richard (Col vs. Mortensen, Was vs. Lannan) Low end 2 starts for the front man of the new “Petco Shop Boys.“ ERA at home is far superior. Rinse and repeat for next guy.

Tim Stauffer (Col vs. Jimenez, Was vs. Zimmermann) East end boys and west end girls. Sorry have that song stuck in my head now. Run support is awful. I like Richard’s 2 opposing pitchers better.

Javier Vazquez (Mil vs. Greinke, Ari vs. Kennedy) He is about as good at fantasy as Wilt Chamberlain was at monogamy. K potential is there….somewhere. Look closer it’s wearing a red striped wool hat, oh my bad I lost track of where we were.

Matt Harrison (Det vs. Porcello, @Min vs. Swarzak) Blisters be gone. Was good to start year, then had to change the sheets. Last 4 starts are back on the Matt Foley path. Away ERA at 2.53. Hope the medication he got from Washington isn’t habit forming.

Jon Garland (@Phi vs. Oswalt, @Col vs. Jimenez) Ugh and Yikes. Nice to see ya, Jon. See you in a week when you’re actually semi-rosterable. Bottom of barrel, bars closing, grab any girl situation here.

Felipe Paulino (Tor vs. Morrow, @Ana vs. Santana) My odd ball of the week. I had some preseason love for him in Colorado, fail. Change of scenery has so far has been mmm-ok. If your digging this deep you prolly need a shovel and some lime.

Week 6 is here, subtle rejoice. Some top minor league guys are getting the call, the closer situations on some teams are still an enigma wrapped in a TLR sandwich and some elite pitching has returned. Now is the time to start gambling on guys that have either underperformed or you have a hunch about. Hunches win fantasy leagues. After all, this is just like playing the lottery, although I have never seen the lotto girl pull an oblique calling the winning numbers. So good luck on all of this week’s endeavors.  Here are the pitching options for the week to come. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS

5/10
Homer Bailey @Hou – Myers
Rick Porcello @Min – Blackburn
Joel Pineiro vs. CHW – Peavy

5/11
Scott Baker vs. Det – Coke
Brandon Beachy vs. Was – Lannan

5/12
Jon Garland @ Pit – Morton
Ivan Nova vs. KC – O’Sullivan

5/13
Gavin Floyd vs. Oak – McCarthy
Wade Davis vs. Bal – Guthrie

Travis Wood (@Hou vs. A. Rodriguez, StL vs. Carpenter) Shows glimpses, then gets pummeled. Gets two starts unless Dusty out smarts us all and uses 6 starters. God forbid he gets out-crazyed by Ozzie.

Jason Marquis (@Atl vs. Hanson, Fla vs. Vazquez) Last start showed the worst case scenario. Is he as good as his first 5 starts? Hell to the no. When healthy he is an innings eater and those, from what I hear, are delicious.

Josh Tomlin (TB vs. Niemann, Sea vs. Pineda) I will lay it out for you nice and simple, he is 3-0 at home. I still think it’s a magic show getting it done. Pitching a run and a half better than his xFIP.

Kevin Correia (LA vs. Lilly, @Mil vs. Greinke) Anyone else notice that the Buccos are pushing .500? 17 wins all of last year on the road, 11 already this year, Oh, and guess what, Correia is 5-0 on the road.

Jake Arrieta (Sea vs. Pineda, @ TB vs. Price) ERA 1.50 lower on the road and lefties are hitting a robust .187, “It’s murda.” No, it isn’t. It is batting average against, but thanks for stopping by JA.

Vance Worley/Joe Blanton (@Fla vs. Vazquez, @Atl vs. Hanson) Mr. Blanton, that is the entrance; you are required to use the exit. Nothing from Worley’s minor league numbers say he should be this awesome. Maybe the four aces are rubbing off on him. Blanton is scheduled to throw a bullpen on Saturday so either starter may get the nod or each may get one, sharing is caring I guess.

Chris Capuano (@Col vs. Chacin, @Hou vs. A. Rodriguez) Watched entire start against SF, a better hitting team would have made it ugly. Seems very predictable. Decent lone star start, in the mountains not so much. Is a left handed Whippopotamus.

Freddy Garcia (KC vs. Davies, Bos vs. Beckett) Played Joe the policeman, on the “What’s goin’ down” episode of That’s My Mama. NY lineup gives anyone a little glimmer, hangs in the same “bloat” as Capuano.

Ted Lilly (@Pit vs. Correia, Ari vs. Collmenter) Lots of talk about him, being added/dropped. He is a 12 win 4 ERA 1.3 WHIP pitcher. To me that spells a perfect number 5 starter in any fantasy league. Ted Lilly rant over, return to your regular scheduled programming.

Jason Hammel (NYM vs. Pelfrey, SD vs. Latos) My secret inside voice tells me he is the best pitcher on the Rox right now, than Chacin’s inside voice texts mine and tells it like it really is. ERA is higher at home, lefties hitting around a deuce.

As I’ve been saying for the last month, Neftali Feliz will be the closer and he doesn’t have syphilis.  Now stop experimenting on him!  Feliz shoots all the way back up to the top of the Donkeycorns and can/should/verb be the top closer in the game by the end of the season.  This also means Matt Harrison will be a starter.  And to that I say, “I enjoyed your work on Falcon Crest.”  Matt Harrison shall be now known as the Lone Ranger, as in he’ll be the lone Ranger that no one drafts.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Tommy Hunter – Suffered a groin strain.  I know too well about those!  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  *blushes*  Maybe they’ll put Neftali back in the rotation.  I’m kidding!  They’ll probably use Dave Bush.  Um, yikes.

Matt Dominguez – Out as the Marlins 3rd baseman so that leaves…. Drum roll, please.  Wes Helms, Greg Dobbs and Emilio Bonifacio.  Drum roller, “I can’t believe I’m drum rolling this crap.  I once drum rolled Fonzie setting a world record by jumping over 14 garbage cans on a motorcycle!”  My best guesstimate for playing time will be Wes Helms gets 300 ABs, Emilio gets 150 and Dobbs gets gobs of sunflower seeds stuck in his teeth.  It’s not a pretty blahtoon and should be avoided at all costs.

Chase Utley – Will start the season on the DL.  I imagine he will start May on the DL.  And June.  And July.  And… Well, you get the picture.  I wouldn’t draft Utley this year.  Not worth the ulcer.

Scott Rolen – Big injury wheel keeps on turning…Rolen, Rolen, Rolen hurt his fingers.  Rolen almost managed to get out of spring training without an injury.  He had to leave yesterday’s game after getting hit on the hand as he was unable to grip the bat.  Still TBD if this is serious but it didn’t seem like it was DL-worthy.  If it is, Juan Francisco likely makes the team and gets most of the starts.  (Please let Juan Francisco start for the Reds for our LABR team.  Reds-a-roni!)

Kevin Correia – Will be the Pirates Opening Day starter.  Correia?  Who is running Pittsburgh — Kim Jong-il?

Freddy Garcia – Will be the Yankees fifth starter.  We’ll see what Freddy Garcia shows up:  This one or this one.

Joe Nathan – As I said in Tuesday’s Closer Look, he’s been awful.  Wouldn’t be surprised if his job gets *pinkie to mouth* Cappsized, at least in the first few weeks.  Actually, here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.

Lorenzo Cain – Melky Effin’ Cabrera is putting a hurt on Team Grey.  Looks like Cain is going to start the year in the minors.  And, even if he doesn’t, Melky’s locking up the center field job on the Royals.  Melky, I like your name, I do not like what you’re doing to Lorenzo Cain.  You’re on notice.

Cody Ross – The boo-boo on the moo-moo is going to have Ross shelved for 3 weeks.  Nate Schierholtz should see most of the time in right.  He’s pretty much waiver wire fodder in NL-Only leagues unless he’s hot.

Casey McGehee – Got hit by a pitch and was carted off the field.  X-rays showed he should be fine for the start of the season.  X-rays also found a misplaced remote control.

Justin Duchscherer – Orioles said he’d start the season on the DL.  Hate to be one for semantics, but I think they meant he’d spend the season on the DL.

Brent Morel – Will be the White Sox opening 3rd baseman, but he should be avoided in all leagues.  Though Morel does seem like a funghi!

Mike Minor – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Beachy will be the fifth starter.  Minor should change his name, aptronyms (Word of the day!) will get you every time.

Jair Jurrjens – Sticking with the newly established Braves starting rotation theme, Jar-Jar left yesterday’s game because of pain in his side.  Jar-Jar said, “Meesa tinks me side hurts me now.”  Braves are saying he’ll be fine for the start of the season.  Okay, but he’s injury prone and I think we see Minor and Beachy in the rotation before too long.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu is going to start the year on the DL because he has stomach issues stemming from a slow digestive tract.  His body treats all food like maraschino cherries and gum.  Food for Franklin Gutierrez is like last season for the Mariners.  Difficult to digest.