Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ryan Zimmerman has a strained intercostal, which runs along the ocean from Miami to Georgia (I believe). Tough break for those making the drive up the coast and for Zimmerman’s owners. It sounds like he’s donezo. The Nats will have Bowden’s old Segway, that was in storage, man 3rd for the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pablo Sandoval – The Giants moved Sandoval to the bench. They then moved 700 lbs. of sandbags to the other side to keep it balanced.

Juan Uribe – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and 2 homers. Sandoval cheered the loudest, smacking his belly like Kamala.

Freddy Sanchez – 4-for-5, as he filled in for Sandoval and got more hits than he did in like the last two months.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. Has been coasting in September and gets the Diamondbacks in his last start.

Ryan Dempster – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER. Bad time to bring home a grenade.

Ian Kennedy – Left with an undisclosed reason. If he shows up in 9 months with a kid, we’re gonna know what happened.

Kelly Johnson – Grabbed a slam & legs off the buffet line as Stephen Drew stayed hot under a chafing dish and added another homer.

CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Bad day for the zaftig.

Prince Fielder – Hit his 31st homer. *clears throat* Are you implying I’m skinny? Sorry, Prince.

Dallas Braden – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit. Phew, I’m not sure I could have handled another session of him getting googly-eyed with his grandmother.

Mike Aviles – Hit another homer. You’re waiting too long if you haven’t picked him up yet.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a loss. F-Her is the sole reason why I’m going to finish near first in multiple leagues but probably won’t win because of, uh, wins, or lack thereof. From ESPN, “In Hernandez’s 12 losses, the Mariners have scored seven runs while Hernandez has been the pitcher of record, including no runs in his last five losses. He’s on pace to become the 12th AL pitcher since 1920 to pitch more than 200 innings and have an ERA less than 2.40 but fewer than 16 wins.” I wanna kill someone. Primarily, a Mariners hitter.

Shawn Hill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Because I’m a sucker for Shawn Hill for some unknown reason like your girl’s a sucker for Meg Ryan, I’ll probably be watching Hill closely in Spring Training next year. Right now, too much risk to give him a whirl.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 50th homer. Just as I predicted…for, um, Mark McGwire in 1999. Remember those 50 homers from Bautista next time someone says “Hitters are much more predictable than pitchers.” Actually, I say that.

Daniel Descalso – 4-for-5 with a steal. The Cardinals prospect now has 4 RBIs in two games with 5 hits in 9 ABs. Hot dog, we got a wiener! Descalso looks like a poor man’s Pedroia, which is barely rosterable unless he’s hot. You might catch lightning in a bottle for the short term. But ocekávání, which is me putting expectations in Czech.

Albert Pujols – Hit his 40th and 41st homers yesterday. This guy who was drafted one pick after Alfredo Amezaga isn’t doing too bad.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last two games. He’ll be discussed in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. It’ll go something like this, “Blah blah blah Espinosa! blah blah blah Buy! blah blah blah Dracula!”

Michael Morse – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has 3 homers this week with two homers in as many games. I’ve now reached my touting Michael Morse quota for the year. One more and I’ll have to pay a nickel to Willingham for the copyrighted materials Morse is using.

Andrew Bailey – Done for the year. Well, dur. Of course, he was going to see Dr. Freeze. I grabbed Breslow where I could, in the non-perverse way.

Yadier Molina – Shut down for the year. Luckily, we still have Alfred Molina.

Fred Lewis – Out for the year with his 5th bunion-related injury in the last two years. Proof that you can dodge the draft if you move to Canada but you can’t dodge swollen bursal sacs on the mesophalangeal joint.

Ozzie Guillen said Jake Peavy “has some things with his arm.”  You know how know-it-alls put (sic) to indicate the quote’s error is not the transcriber’s error?  They should adopt this for major league managers.  “Has some things with his arm (Ozzie).” “Mathis just knows how to play the game BETTER! (Scioscia)”  “That’s not old school, that’s good school.  That’s the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on. (Manuel)”  So Peavy has some things with his arm.  Yeah, that’s not a good sign.  That’s like my friend who was trying to sell me a car.  “It just hasn’t been started in over a year.”  I put Peavy in the “Avoid” tier in the preseason because he’s been too injured the last few seasons.  What’s he now?  Injured.  Thank you, your Honor.  I rest my case.  I’d look to sell Peavy.  Unfortunately, no one’s buying him.  Right now, the Sox are only talking about moving his next start, but it’s not a good sign either way.  Or eithurrrr if Mystikal’s reading to you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Resop – Off to the DL.  The Disgraceful List is when a player’s DL’d for sucking.  But what’s it called when the player forces a team to promote them due to a contract issue and then is DL’d because the club just doesn’t want the player?  Disagreement List?  Disaccord List?  Dis Team Has No Room For You List?

Shelley Duncan – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  Unfortunate for anyone who had to high five him afterwards.

Tommy Hunter – Left the game with some hip flexor discomfort.  Pretty sneaky of Coghlan to step up to the plate with “The Twist” playing.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 with his 1st homer, now batting .285 to Andrus’ .288.  Give him the green light!

Brandon Wood – 1-for-3 as he played shortstop for Izturis, who went to the DL with a strained forearm.  If Wood hits and if he gets shortstop eligibility and one more if you’ll have a full house.  If’s over and’s.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like Niese has put his feud with Heather B completely behind him.  He’s pitching well and he has home games in Metco yadda³, I’d grab him.

Fred Lewis – 4-for-5 with his 5th steal as Jose Bautista sat.  The Bautista who is hitting .194 with 5 homers since I said you should sell him a month ago.  In April, Bautista had 4 homers.  In May, he hit 12 homers.  In June, he has 2 homers.  You tell me which month looks off.  Oh, and sorry to Fred Lewis for hogging his blurb with Bautista info.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I don’t want to lose people with K/9 or anything so here… Romero has 96 Ks in 96 1/3 innings.  Thing.  Of.  Beauty.  Yes, I brought out the douchey one word sentences for emphasis.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 12th homer.  BUCK!

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks.  A Baker’s dozen!  Wait, that’s not right.  Eh, whatever.  Baker just about reached the point where I was going to tell people to lose him everywhere so he really needed this start.  I don’t think he’s completely out of the woods, but he’s in a better place than he was after his last start.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3, hitting .311 with 2 homers on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  First time in a while his line looks like he should have got the Win and what happens?  Gets the loss for the first time since May 8th.  It’s the chutzpah of Wins.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs, his 9th homer as he bats .344 on the year.  Who’s been more valuable, Boesch or Holliday?  Yup.

Don Kelly – 0-for-4, ye of a .217 average and .276 OBP hit leadoff.  Your internal monologue, “Why, Grey, I do not understand?”  Because Kelly played center and Leyland only has one lineup card.

Jose Tabata – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  I’m fingercuffed to him and it feels so good.  Then not good.  Then good again.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save.  Guess his back is, um, back.  Lyon hasn’t been bad so I’m holding him for now where I have room.

David DeJesus – 10 for his last 13.  For DeJesus’ next trick, he’s going to walk on water.  The downside is there isn’t much upside.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  About three weeks ago, I was saying he was going to fall back to earth then for the last two weeks after that I’ve been reminding you that I was saying Leake was going to fall back to earth three weeks ago.  I don’t think he’s all the way back to earth yet either.

Manny Ramirez – 3rd homer in his last seven games and 2nd homer in last two games.  After the homer, he got back in the dugout and Casey Blake iced him.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 8 baserunners, but only 1 walk.  Look at Kershaw only walking three hitters in his last two starts.  Oh, and he has 97 Ks in 85 IP.  Nasty.

Livan Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  What did this fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH do with the other fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH?

Aubrey Huff – 3-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last six games.  Keeps going like this and he may get a “Huffing Along” post title.

Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Was hit by a comebacker and removed from the game.  Lincecum should be fine for his next start.  In a weird voodoo doll-type way, when Lincecum was hit, k.d. lang said, “Ouch.”

Pablo Sandoval – Giants trainer said Sandoval needs to be more disciplined about his eating habits.  Earth to ESPN, this is a reality show!  Watch Kung Fu Panda go to the beach and refuse to take off his shirt.  Watch as Kung Fu Panda says no to Kung Pao Chicken and yes to calisthenics.  Watch Kung Fu Panda go shopping for clothes.  “No, Renteria, I can’t fit into these Dockers.  I’m bloated!”

Derek Holland is not officially a rookie, but that doesn’t mean he might not roofie you.  Pitching in and out of the rotation last year, he had some real ulcer-inducing starts.   I know, I have the internal scars to prove it.  Oh, Mylanta!  Though his xFIP was better than his actual ERA.  I know, too bad your league isn’t all fussy with an xFIP category.  Holland’s a plus-plus strikeout guy.  In the hitter-friendly PCL, he had a 37:7 K:BB rate and a 0.93 ERA.  He’s homer-prone and in Arlington that is a recipe for turd nuggets.  I’m much more aggressive about grabbing young hitters than young pitchers.  Hitters give you an 0-for-34 and you punt.  A pitcher gives you a 2 IP, 7 ER start and that causes you to punch a random stranger and then next thing you know some guy named Bubba is fitting you for a teardrop tattoo.  See how quickly that spiral spun downward?  Ask Lawrence Taylor, he’ll tell you.  So I didn’t grab Holland anywhere, but I would in the right circumstances, as long as you monitor where you start him.  His first two outings are set for the A’s and Angels.  That’s a “Yes, please” and “Don’t mind if I do.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 hit shutout with 8 Ks as he dropped his ERA to 4.07 on the season.  And there’s why I liked him so much in the preseason.  If he’s out there in your league, own him, in the non-biblical sense.

Chris Heisey – Got his first major league hit and homer.  He’s a 15/15 type that needs to have everyday at-bats to have mixed league value.  I think he’s better than Drew Stubbs, but WWDD?  My guess is Dusty will continue to play Stubbs.

J.J. Hardy – Headed for the DL with a bruised left wrist.  If you don’t have DL room, move on/look elsewhere.  Brendan Harris should see most of the time at short.  Harris is good… To avoid.  Twins also called up Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, Charlie Morton pitched better than Slowey last night.  I’m not dropping Slowey, but that’s only because I don’t own him in 12 team leagues or shallower.  If I did, he’d be done-zo.  In deeper leagues, I’m holding him but I’m not starting him next time out.  I’m kinda just hoping for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  How dare you betray my trust, Slowey?  You’re about to get filed away with 2009 James Shields, which might be the best thing for your career.

Bobby Jenks – Got the save yesterday, but Ozzie said they could go to a closer by situation, which is closer by committee for those who have used all of their blanks and M tiles.

Franklin Morales – To the DL.  Manny Corpas and/or Rafael Betancourt should get the saves, in that order.  I’d own both, if I had the room.  Unfortunately, I had a big meal of Blown Save Suckage recently, so no room.

Neftali Feliz – Blew a save.  You ever own the setup man and hope the closer doesn’t blow it because you don’t trust the setup man?  That’s how I feel with Frank Francisco.  I own him, but am petrified of him getting save opportunities.  Sorta how I feel about Juan Gutierrez too.

Mark DeRosa – Called offseason wrist surgery a total failure and he may need another procedure.  The doctor who operated called DeRosa the worst patient ever and said he wants his lollipop back.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as he hit 8th in the lineup because, well, he sucks.  I did have some concerns about him in the preseason.  Click it, you know you wanna.

Fred Lewis – 2-for-4, now batting .309 on the year with two homers and 3 steals.  Not flashy like my dookie fat gold chain that is just below the frame of my user photo, but Lewis will tortoise you to a 10/17 year.

Russell Branyan – 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of something if you need power.  He did hit 22 homers pre-All-Star Break last year.

Carlos Beltran – Ricky from My So Called Life was cleared to jog and do some baseball activities.  You know, like spitting and grabbing his junk.  Considering Beltran was only supposed to miss a few games last June, I’ll believe he’s playing baseball again when I see it in Metco.

Scott Olsen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Only one of those baserunners was a walk and a few of those singles were of the “Excuse me” variety.  So hold S.O. (<–not a palindrome)

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating as all get out.

Randy Wells – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Without doing the complex math, I’m going to say he was unlucky here too since he only had 5 baserunners and 3 earned.  I’m buying into Wells getting, um, well.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K.  Read Wells’ blurb in a mirror.

Troy Glaus – 17 for his last 38 with two homers in two straight games.  Should be owned in all leagues while he’s hot.

Tim Stauffer – Added DL to his RP/SP eligibility as he’s out for 6 weeks with an appendectomy.

Brad Lidge – Said he didn’t like how his arm felt when he threw yesterday.  That’s usually not a good sign.  The Latin 38, Jose Contreras, is the pickup for saves.  Everyone seems fine with grabbing Contreras and maybe he’ll be okay, but he seems to be pitching so far over his head I’m surprised he hasn’t been bringing a ladder out to the mound.

Jimmy Rollins – Expects to be back by next week.  Maybe he can close.

John Ely – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Said I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues before this start.  Now I’d start to look at him in mixed leagues.  In his division and park, he should get some decent matchups.

Josh Beckett – Will miss Friday’s start because of back spasms that were a result of taking swings in the batting cage.  What, was he reading Rick Ankiel’s Wikipedia page?

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying it.

Jason Varitek – You might want to stay away from sharp objects as you read the next two sentences.  Varitek hit his 6th homer on the year yesterday.  Victor Martinez has 3 homers.

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-3 as he bats .268 on the year.  He still hasn’t hit a homer.  Wha’ happened?  The ‘brist have his power circumcised?  It’s not completely surprising to me.  As I said in the rankings, “(Zobrist) was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as his defense let him down with 4 unearned runs.  Penny has a 1.70 ERA on the year.  You know when you have one guy who is carrying your whole staff and you just know the bottom is going to fall out but you want to believe so bad.  Yeah, Penny’s that guy for me on multiple teams.

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  So far this year, he’s been consistently better than average.  He seems like a safe bet to get some Ks, keep his team close and at some point beat up a girl.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 as he hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Instead of fireworks, the Astros showcased their new way to celebrate a home run.  A giant dummy in the outfield that bears a striking resemblance to Ed Wade has its eyes pop out and toupee shoots off its head after a homer.

Eric Chavez – Hit his first homer of the year.  It was a called shot.  He called it, “I can’t believe I’m not on the DL.”

In an unprecedented move, I’m making Aramis Ramirez a Buy after labeling him a schmohawk in the preseason.  Crazy, right?  Get me a constituency and a mistress, I’m a flip-flopping politician?  I’ll run on the “No more new tuxes” campaign.  Then when people elect me and say they thought it was a typo or a weird lisp, I’ll tell them, “No, I’m just not buying a new tuxedo.”  I don’t want to talk up Aramis too much because I don’t think he’s a surefire stud.  He is what he is.  A 25 homer, 90+ RBI, .280 guy.  This past April was his worst month ever.  The next closest month of the last six years was when he hit .197 in April of 2006.  In the last six years, he never had more than two months under .250 in the same year.  Right now, his BABIP is the unrealistic .160.  His career mark is .288.  That’s obviously a far way off.  I wouldn’t give my dead grandma’s broach to get Aramis, but right now his owners don’t even want him or your nana’s forget-me-not.  You can probably trade a Brain Freeze and a schmohawk and get him.  Check raise the bettor, cause you have alligator’s blood.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Kris Medlen – In the minors, he averaged a 9+ K/9.  Last year in 67+ innings with the Braves, he had a 9+ K/9.  I don’t think he’s just going to walk away with Jurrjens’ rotation spot, but if Jurrjens has a setback (that’s a lilliputian “if”), Medlen could stick around for a month or so, giving a mid-3 ERA, a manageable WHIP and great Ks.  I <3 Medlen.

Brett Cecil – He’s my favorite hodgepodjay upside pick, but he too will be subjected to tough matchups.  Move Toronto to the NL!

Ian Kennedy – Even if we’re to assume 60% of ESPN leagues have been abandoned, how is he only owned in 7% of ESPN leagues?  He has a 1.14 WHIP with decent strikeout and walk rates.  I’ll buy that for a FAAB dollar!

Wade LeBlanc – Here’s to Tally McTallstein never returning.

Scott Olsen – Like Minnie Pearl, I’m gonna make it nice and simple for you.  Just went over Scott Olsen for fantasy.  Now click.

Hisanori Takahashi – Those of you looking for some Ks from your MRs, Takahashi has 26 Ks through 18 2/3 innings.  As Kevin Brauch says, konbanwa, ladies and gentlemen.

Tyler Clippard – Damn, dawg, I’m dropping the gauntlet on middle relievers.  That’s pitchy.

Starlin Castro – Don’t you wanna put an apostrophe on Starlin?  Yeah, me too.  Let’s start with what Stephen said in the Cubs Minor League Review, “He has more speed than his steals would even lead one to believe as he is still learning the stealing craft.  Oh, and sometimes I want to poison strangers.”  Hmm… Didn’t remember that last part.  Okay, you’d think with a name like Castro, they’d platoon him cause that’s the Communist thing to do.  Yeah, I don’t think that happens.  He’s playing shortstop and Theriot moves to 2nd base.  So the Silent T tag team of Theriot and Fontenot gets split up.  Too bad, so sad.  You guys were no Bushwhackers anyway.  Grab Castro in all leagues where you need speed.  I’d expect a line of 60/3/40/.290/27.  The Runs and RBIs are lineup placement dependent.  My thought is he plays half his games at the top of the order and half at the bottom, but that’s me hedging more than anything.  And welcome all the gardeners who Googled, Bushwhackers + hedging.

David Freese – Now, he has modest power and a great average.  Later, he’ll have modest power and a good average.  Mmm… Freese’ing a now and later.

Fred Lewis – Beans don’t burn on the grill, Fred’s working his way up that “Valuable in deep mixed leagues” hill.

J.D. Drew – This week’s ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH.  BTW, that’s pronounced like LOTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, but with an R.

Michael Saunders – Just went over him in this morning’s post.  Scroll down or click.  Your call.

Kila Ka’aihue – Now in most circumstances, I’d say a team bringing up Kila would play him, but we’re talking about the Royals.  They may be thinking that teams are making fun of them for not promoting Kila so they’ll bring him up and let him rot on the bench.  You know, the passive aggressive move.  Hopefully, Kila can find some ABs.  If he can, he’s worth owning in 12 team mixed leagues and maybe shallower.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Supposed to be bacchia by now, but he’s not yet because he’s working on his throwing.  We should see him soon.

Mike Aviles – Average, not much else.  Speaking of which, I wonder if people would respect pure average guys better if it was called something other than average, because average is so usual, passable, adequate.  Now if batting average were referred to as excellent, people would be clamoring for these guys.  That Aviles is an excellent player, not much else.  See?

Koji Uehara – When the media asked Alfredo Simon how he felt to be the O’s closer, Alfredo said, “I’m the closer?  That’s scarzy, which is a portmanteau of scary and crazy.  Like this girl I used to date.  Anyhoo, who wants some freshly ground pepper on their pasta?”  Those desperate for saves, commence vulturing on Koji now.

Alfredo Simon – Simon’s right; it is scarzy, but if he’s getting saves, you know the SAGNOF drill.

SELL

Doug Fister – It’s funny to watch ownership trends in ESPN.  And funny as in not funny at all but rather pedantic.  On April 13th, Fister throws 8 shutout innings.  Fluke!  No one adds him.  Next start, 7 IP, 1 ER.  Fluke!  Five days later, 8 IP, 2 ER.  Hmm…  Who is this guy?  Last start, 8 IP, 0 ER.  I’m adding him!  Now he’s sure to explode.

Wade Davis – Appeared (along with Mister Fister) in The Corrections.

Jeff Clement – Hey, he got almost two months over the course of four years and two teams to prove himself.  That’s plenty of time.

Lance Berkman – I totally regret drafting him in the one league where I have him.  It’s a 20 team league making me kinda SOL.  For most of you, you can trade Berkman for a small piece and just grab Smoak or Ike Davis or Swisher off waivers and come within 95% of Berkman’s production while adding another piece.

Andruw Jones – But it’s a feel good story!  Sorry, friend.  Right now, his HR/FB is almost 35%; his career mark is 19% and that number is being supported by his years when he was actually good.  He’s not keeping this up even if he stayed at a Renaissance Hotel last night.

Here’s what my crystal ball said on March 5th, “(Medlen) averaged over a K an inning last year.  Will start the year as an MR, barring an injury to someone… *cough* Jar Jar *cough*.  Medlen will get into the rotation shortly.  Meesa tinks Jar Jar won’t make it the whole year healthy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Kris Medlen is now the starter as the Braves wash Jurrjens out of their hair for at least three weeks while he deals with a strained hamstring.  I grabbed Medlen in one league where it made sense.  He gets a tough first matchup going against the Phillies at Citizens Flank.  If Medlen pitches well in his first start, he’ll be added everywhere.  So depending how bad you need him, you add him now or prepare to rush to grab him on Saturday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a sore groin, which would be a good name for a Viagra-type drug, but spelled “soar” and with an exclamation mark.  Oh, and speaking of groins…

Bobby Cox – The congratulatory cake made by the Senate for Bobby Cox had an unfortunate misspelling.  Maybe Jim Eisenreich was the baker.

Andy Pettitte – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and left with elbow inflammation.  That’s now three of the core four that are sore.  Jeter better take it easy on the pasta diving.

Nick Johnson – 3-for-3 with a homer.  He has a .171 average and a .396 OBP.  That almost seems impossible, right?  Seriously, no joke.  Batting in front of Tex and A-Rod and he leads the league in walks.  Incredible.

Alfredo Aceves – Got the save since Joba was used the last two days.  This was after the Orioles pitched Alfredo Simon.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two guys named after pasta sauce appeared in the same game since Alfredo Griffin and Bolognese Penne squared off in 1982.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Thomas, in accounting, broke his own record of 37 minutes when he took 45 minutes to sign a birthday card with ‘Your (sic) the best.’”

Adam Jones – Missed the game with dreckitude, I mean, a hip strain.  He’s supposed to play on Thursday.  Yay.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday.  Or the same amount of homers as Andruw Jones.  That’s only 7 more homers than Teixeira.  Pardon me as I go stick my head in the oven.

Aramis Ramirez – Hey, the power of persuasion worked!  Aramis was moved down the order.  Now how about my Powerball numbers coming in!

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and lucky to get out with the Win.  Last year, Slowey had screws put in his wrist and now he’s putting the screws to his owners.  The screws seem to be effecting his pinpoint control that made him the pitcher that he was.  In 2009, through 90+ innings, he had 15 walks.  He has 11 through 34+ innings this year.

Denard Span – 11 for his last 22 and has 7 Steals and 19 Runs on the season.  Heading for exactly the type of season I thought he would when I put him down for 100/10/70/.300/22.

David Ortiz – Hit his third homer in four games, while he bats .171.  Yeah, he’s “not done,” he’s just a “very poor imitation of his younger self.”

Huston Street – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Monday which will put him on schedule to return in about two weeks.

Franklin Morales – His leash got even shorter last night.  If you’re looking for vulture saves, grab Corpas.

Johnny Damon – Left yesterday’s game with a right calf spasm.  Damon is day-to-day, man. (<–almost a palindrome!)

Miguel Cabrera – 2 homers as he took a double shot off the Slow Twin Fizz.

Alex Avila – Hit his first two homers of the season yesterday.  I grabbed him in a deep 2 catcher league hoping this is a sign of a potential breakout.  He does need to do battle with Laird for the starting job, but Laird’s hitting .141 with one homer and a bruised shin.  Not a braised shin though, which is delicious!

Manny Ramirez – Returns on Saturday after playing today for the Inland Empire, which is on the planet Naboo.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his third homer.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals, which is yawnstipating while it’s happening, but it’s still 12/12 at the end of the year.  Now someone just needs to convince Riggleman Desmond should be in the two hole and not the crap that is usually there.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA now stands at 1.49.  His xFIP is 4.09, which means he’s getting very lucky, but no one thought Zito was a sub-2 ERA pitcher anyway, right?

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Or one more homer than Ryan Howard.  Zoinks!

Carlos Lee – Home run.  Final Lee.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Frequent commenter, penpen, brought up a good point.  With Romero, Morrow and Cecil, the Jays are like the high risk/high reward hodgepadres.  The hodgepodjays:  They’ll give you Ks and solid games against bad teams.  Then tie you to the WHIPping post and get beat in what should be good matchups.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4, and his fourth homer.  He’s one hot streak away from being exactly where he was last year.  Recognize!  Or don’t.  Your call.

Fred Lewis – 5 for his last 10.  So far in his career he’s had “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production, but the Jays are pushing the issue with him as their leadoff man, so maybe the stability can produce the 15/15 season he’s hinted at in the past.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back decent starts.  Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment, but Cueto can pitch well if he finds his groove.

Jose Reyes – 0-for-5 as his average falls to .225.  I’m kinda at the point where I’m glad he’s not batting leadoff so maybe he gets one less at-bat.

Chris Perez – 1 2/3 IP, 3 unearned as he blew the save with the Ticker Shock.

Milton Bradley – Left in the middle of Tuesday’s game telling the manager, “I’m out of here.”  Ironically, Milton Bradley produces Sorry and not Risk.