Fantasy Baseball Advice

Derek Holland is not officially a rookie, but that doesn’t mean he might not roofie you.  Pitching in and out of the rotation last year, he had some real ulcer-inducing starts.   I know, I have the internal scars to prove it.  Oh, Mylanta!  Though his xFIP was better than his actual ERA.  I know, too bad your league isn’t all fussy with an xFIP category.  Holland’s a plus-plus strikeout guy.  In the hitter-friendly PCL, he had a 37:7 K:BB rate and a 0.93 ERA.  He’s homer-prone and in Arlington that is a recipe for turd nuggets.  I’m much more aggressive about grabbing young hitters than young pitchers.  Hitters give you an 0-for-34 and you punt.  A pitcher gives you a 2 IP, 7 ER start and that causes you to punch a random stranger and then next thing you know some guy named Bubba is fitting you for a teardrop tattoo.  See how quickly that spiral spun downward?  Ask Lawrence Taylor, he’ll tell you.  So I didn’t grab Holland anywhere, but I would in the right circumstances, as long as you monitor where you start him.  His first two outings are set for the A’s and Angels.  That’s a “Yes, please” and “Don’t mind if I do.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 hit shutout with 8 Ks as he dropped his ERA to 4.07 on the season.  And there’s why I liked him so much in the preseason.  If he’s out there in your league, own him, in the non-biblical sense.

Chris Heisey – Got his first major league hit and homer.  He’s a 15/15 type that needs to have everyday at-bats to have mixed league value.  I think he’s better than Drew Stubbs, but WWDD?  My guess is Dusty will continue to play Stubbs.

J.J. Hardy – Headed for the DL with a bruised left wrist.  If you don’t have DL room, move on/look elsewhere.  Brendan Harris should see most of the time at short.  Harris is good… To avoid.  Twins also called up Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, Charlie Morton pitched better than Slowey last night.  I’m not dropping Slowey, but that’s only because I don’t own him in 12 team leagues or shallower.  If I did, he’d be done-zo.  In deeper leagues, I’m holding him but I’m not starting him next time out.  I’m kinda just hoping for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  How dare you betray my trust, Slowey?  You’re about to get filed away with 2009 James Shields, which might be the best thing for your career.

Bobby Jenks – Got the save yesterday, but Ozzie said they could go to a closer by situation, which is closer by committee for those who have used all of their blanks and M tiles.

Franklin Morales – To the DL.  Manny Corpas and/or Rafael Betancourt should get the saves, in that order.  I’d own both, if I had the room.  Unfortunately, I had a big meal of Blown Save Suckage recently, so no room.

Neftali Feliz – Blew a save.  You ever own the setup man and hope the closer doesn’t blow it because you don’t trust the setup man?  That’s how I feel with Frank Francisco.  I own him, but am petrified of him getting save opportunities.  Sorta how I feel about Juan Gutierrez too.

Mark DeRosa – Called offseason wrist surgery a total failure and he may need another procedure.  The doctor who operated called DeRosa the worst patient ever and said he wants his lollipop back.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as he hit 8th in the lineup because, well, he sucks.  I did have some concerns about him in the preseason.  Click it, you know you wanna.

Fred Lewis – 2-for-4, now batting .309 on the year with two homers and 3 steals.  Not flashy like my dookie fat gold chain that is just below the frame of my user photo, but Lewis will tortoise you to a 10/17 year.

Russell Branyan – 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of something if you need power.  He did hit 22 homers pre-All-Star Break last year.

Carlos Beltran – Ricky from My So Called Life was cleared to jog and do some baseball activities.  You know, like spitting and grabbing his junk.  Considering Beltran was only supposed to miss a few games last June, I’ll believe he’s playing baseball again when I see it in Metco.

Scott Olsen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Only one of those baserunners was a walk and a few of those singles were of the “Excuse me” variety.  So hold S.O. (<–not a palindrome)

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating as all get out.

Randy Wells – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Without doing the complex math, I’m going to say he was unlucky here too since he only had 5 baserunners and 3 earned.  I’m buying into Wells getting, um, well.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K.  Read Wells’ blurb in a mirror.

Troy Glaus – 17 for his last 38 with two homers in two straight games.  Should be owned in all leagues while he’s hot.

Tim Stauffer – Added DL to his RP/SP eligibility as he’s out for 6 weeks with an appendectomy.

Brad Lidge – Said he didn’t like how his arm felt when he threw yesterday.  That’s usually not a good sign.  The Latin 38, Jose Contreras, is the pickup for saves.  Everyone seems fine with grabbing Contreras and maybe he’ll be okay, but he seems to be pitching so far over his head I’m surprised he hasn’t been bringing a ladder out to the mound.

Jimmy Rollins – Expects to be back by next week.  Maybe he can close.

John Ely – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Said I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues before this start.  Now I’d start to look at him in mixed leagues.  In his division and park, he should get some decent matchups.

Josh Beckett – Will miss Friday’s start because of back spasms that were a result of taking swings in the batting cage.  What, was he reading Rick Ankiel’s Wikipedia page?

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying it.

Jason Varitek – You might want to stay away from sharp objects as you read the next two sentences.  Varitek hit his 6th homer on the year yesterday.  Victor Martinez has 3 homers.

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-3 as he bats .268 on the year.  He still hasn’t hit a homer.  Wha’ happened?  The ‘brist have his power circumcised?  It’s not completely surprising to me.  As I said in the rankings, “(Zobrist) was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as his defense let him down with 4 unearned runs.  Penny has a 1.70 ERA on the year.  You know when you have one guy who is carrying your whole staff and you just know the bottom is going to fall out but you want to believe so bad.  Yeah, Penny’s that guy for me on multiple teams.

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  So far this year, he’s been consistently better than average.  He seems like a safe bet to get some Ks, keep his team close and at some point beat up a girl.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 as he hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Instead of fireworks, the Astros showcased their new way to celebrate a home run.  A giant dummy in the outfield that bears a striking resemblance to Ed Wade has its eyes pop out and toupee shoots off its head after a homer.

Eric Chavez – Hit his first homer of the year.  It was a called shot.  He called it, “I can’t believe I’m not on the DL.”

Here’s what my crystal ball said on March 5th, “(Medlen) averaged over a K an inning last year.  Will start the year as an MR, barring an injury to someone… *cough* Jar Jar *cough*.  Medlen will get into the rotation shortly.  Meesa tinks Jar Jar won’t make it the whole year healthy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Kris Medlen is now the starter as the Braves wash Jurrjens out of their hair for at least three weeks while he deals with a strained hamstring.  I grabbed Medlen in one league where it made sense.  He gets a tough first matchup going against the Phillies at Citizens Flank.  If Medlen pitches well in his first start, he’ll be added everywhere.  So depending how bad you need him, you add him now or prepare to rush to grab him on Saturday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a sore groin, which would be a good name for a Viagra-type drug, but spelled “soar” and with an exclamation mark.  Oh, and speaking of groins…

Bobby Cox – The congratulatory cake made by the Senate for Bobby Cox had an unfortunate misspelling.  Maybe Jim Eisenreich was the baker.

Andy Pettitte – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and left with elbow inflammation.  That’s now three of the core four that are sore.  Jeter better take it easy on the pasta diving.

Nick Johnson – 3-for-3 with a homer.  He has a .171 average and a .396 OBP.  That almost seems impossible, right?  Seriously, no joke.  Batting in front of Tex and A-Rod and he leads the league in walks.  Incredible.

Alfredo Aceves – Got the save since Joba was used the last two days.  This was after the Orioles pitched Alfredo Simon.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two guys named after pasta sauce appeared in the same game since Alfredo Griffin and Bolognese Penne squared off in 1982.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Thomas, in accounting, broke his own record of 37 minutes when he took 45 minutes to sign a birthday card with ‘Your (sic) the best.’”

Adam Jones – Missed the game with dreckitude, I mean, a hip strain.  He’s supposed to play on Thursday.  Yay.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday.  Or the same amount of homers as Andruw Jones.  That’s only 7 more homers than Teixeira.  Pardon me as I go stick my head in the oven.

Aramis Ramirez – Hey, the power of persuasion worked!  Aramis was moved down the order.  Now how about my Powerball numbers coming in!

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and lucky to get out with the Win.  Last year, Slowey had screws put in his wrist and now he’s putting the screws to his owners.  The screws seem to be effecting his pinpoint control that made him the pitcher that he was.  In 2009, through 90+ innings, he had 15 walks.  He has 11 through 34+ innings this year.

Denard Span – 11 for his last 22 and has 7 Steals and 19 Runs on the season.  Heading for exactly the type of season I thought he would when I put him down for 100/10/70/.300/22.

David Ortiz – Hit his third homer in four games, while he bats .171.  Yeah, he’s “not done,” he’s just a “very poor imitation of his younger self.”

Huston Street – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Monday which will put him on schedule to return in about two weeks.

Franklin Morales – His leash got even shorter last night.  If you’re looking for vulture saves, grab Corpas.

Johnny Damon – Left yesterday’s game with a right calf spasm.  Damon is day-to-day, man. (<–almost a palindrome!)

Miguel Cabrera – 2 homers as he took a double shot off the Slow Twin Fizz.

Alex Avila – Hit his first two homers of the season yesterday.  I grabbed him in a deep 2 catcher league hoping this is a sign of a potential breakout.  He does need to do battle with Laird for the starting job, but Laird’s hitting .141 with one homer and a bruised shin.  Not a braised shin though, which is delicious!

Manny Ramirez – Returns on Saturday after playing today for the Inland Empire, which is on the planet Naboo.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his third homer.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals, which is yawnstipating while it’s happening, but it’s still 12/12 at the end of the year.  Now someone just needs to convince Riggleman Desmond should be in the two hole and not the crap that is usually there.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA now stands at 1.49.  His xFIP is 4.09, which means he’s getting very lucky, but no one thought Zito was a sub-2 ERA pitcher anyway, right?

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Or one more homer than Ryan Howard.  Zoinks!

Carlos Lee – Home run.  Final Lee.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Frequent commenter, penpen, brought up a good point.  With Romero, Morrow and Cecil, the Jays are like the high risk/high reward hodgepadres.  The hodgepodjays:  They’ll give you Ks and solid games against bad teams.  Then tie you to the WHIPping post and get beat in what should be good matchups.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4, and his fourth homer.  He’s one hot streak away from being exactly where he was last year.  Recognize!  Or don’t.  Your call.

Fred Lewis – 5 for his last 10.  So far in his career he’s had “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production, but the Jays are pushing the issue with him as their leadoff man, so maybe the stability can produce the 15/15 season he’s hinted at in the past.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back decent starts.  Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment, but Cueto can pitch well if he finds his groove.

Jose Reyes – 0-for-5 as his average falls to .225.  I’m kinda at the point where I’m glad he’s not batting leadoff so maybe he gets one less at-bat.

Chris Perez – 1 2/3 IP, 3 unearned as he blew the save with the Ticker Shock.

Milton Bradley – Left in the middle of Tuesday’s game telling the manager, “I’m out of here.”  Ironically, Milton Bradley produces Sorry and not Risk.

The peasant Royals finally called up the first baseman, Kila Ka’aihue, who was blocked by Mike Jacobs last year in a boneheaded move.  His name is not pronounced Killer Kahlua.  Kila has a career .386 OBP in the minor leagues.  I guess Moore has no place for that on his team that has a .325 OBP.  In Stephen’s Minor League Review of the Royals, he wrote, “In 555 Triple-A at-bats (across two years), (Kila’s) hit for a .211 ISO.  The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.  Oh, and for Halloween I want to dress up as Grey but I don’t know how to make my head simultaneously big and stupid.”  Whoa, I gotta start proofreading these Minor League Reviews a little closer.  The only problem with Kila is I’m not sure where the Royals are going to play him.  Grab in deep mixed and AL-Only leagues.  Everyone else, hold your junk until we see how his playing time shakes out and to make sure this Kila is shooting something besides BBs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5 with a homer as the Royals finally called up another guy.  If you’re hurting for average, Aviles could provide some support, bra.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hochevar wants you to fall for the old banana in the tailpipe again.  Don’t do it.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Out until Friday with a tight left quad.  Hopefully, on Friday it’s not a split quad game.  Yeah, that probably made no sense.

Stephen Strasburg – The Nats moved the carrot a little closer to their fans, promoting Strasburg to Triple-A.  If you build the hype, they will come.  Get your House of Strasburg gear ready for a mid-June call-up.  I don’t own Strasburg anywhere and am trying to stay away from the hype, but it’s out there in full force.  If you do have Strasburg, I’m going to tell you to sell him as his hype peaks in June.  If you don’t own him and he’s sitting on waivers, I’d grab him so when the hype crescendos you can exploit it.

Livan Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Now has 4 wins and a 0.99 ERA.  In other news, water is dry.

Tyler Clippard – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER for his 7th Hold.  Now has a 0.46 ERA and a 0.86 WHIP with 25 Ks in 19 2/3 IP.  Need help with those ratios, there ya go.

Steven Pearce – The Pirates recalled their Quad-A phenom, Pearce.  This could significantly hurt Clement’s playing time.  Don’t the Pirates know my fantasy teams are Ron Popeil’ing Jeff Clement in their catcher slot?  This news to me is like the mint to Mr. Creosote.  I was fine with Grandy getting injured, with Quentin sucking on the suckwagon, even with Filthy Sanchez not having a great last start, but now I’m losing my every day catcher?  *explosion*

Jeff Clement – 0-for-3, as he hits .164.  Speaking of Quad-A players, he’s really doing nothing to warrant every day at-bats anyway.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Octavio Dotel – 1 IP, 0 ER and the Save.  Proving that old fantasy baseball idiom, even a broken closer is right twice a month.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer as he bats .323 on the year.  It’s shame that he’s batting so low in the order because he only has 9 RBIs.  Testing my power of persuasion:  the Cubs should move Aramis down in the order.  His .149 average warrants it.

Alfonso Soriano – Now has 5 homers in the last 4 games and he’s batting .321.  He’s a spry Latin 34, I tell ya.

Clayton Kershaw – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER when Ramon Ortiz relieved him.  I wonder how many Dodger fans thought this was a Ramon Ortiz masterpiece since no one in LA shows up to the game until the 3rd inning.  Obviously, a terrible Kershaw start, but he had some in the beginning of last year too.  Now’s not the time to panic.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 as he hit his 7th homer and bats .364.  I don’t talk much about the top hitters in the game, assuming they’re hitting as they should be, so there’s nothing really to say about Longoria, except he’s putting together an MVP season.

James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  Now the AL Ks leader, which fittingly enough makes me want to drink.

Franklin Morales – He’s kinda losing his shizz right in front of our eyes.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see Corpas or Betancourt get a crack at a save in the case of Sooner vs. Later.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 6 for his last 11 with a homer.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Pierre – Now has 5 steals in the last three games.  SAGNOF!

Jose Contreras – Charlie Manuel said he may look at Contreras to close out some games if Lidge can’t go.  This sounds like hooey.  Only go near Contreras in the most desperate of scenarios.

Brad Lidge – In a non-move that spoke wonders, Manuel didn’t bring Lidge in to close out a 1-0 game.  Pujols wasn’t even due up, though he was wearing his, “I Own Lidge And All I Got Was This Stupid Shirt” shirt.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, 1 Fan Running Onto The Field, Zero Tasering, 2 Bad.

A.J. Burnett – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He had his curve working for the first time all year and the Ks returned.  I do believe he pitched well partially out of spite because his long-time nemesis, Posada, wasn’t catching.

Joba Chamberlain – Got the save as Mo got, uh, mo rest.  Supposedly, Mariano will be back by Friday, but better to be safe than sorry and grab Joba.

Yunel Escobar – Heads to the 15-day DL with a strained left groin.  This was the best case scenario.  No, that’s not right.  Best case scenario would be he’s healthy… Actually, best case scenario is he was healthy and hitting well.  So the good news is Yunel received the 3rd best best case scenario.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-2 with his 8th homer yesterday.  In a move that’s going to make you question why on Earth you ask me anything, I dropped Heyward last week in one of my leagues.  It was a 12 team league with no bench and, well, I’m dumb.

Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rockies.  Guess where this start was?  It rhymes with Repko.  LeBlanc gets the Giants next then the Dodgers at home.  Nice matchups there, now grab him.

Kyle Blanks – 0-for-2 as he bats .189 on the year.  Blanks is proving to be quite the aptronym (Word of the Day!).

Travis Snider – Now 5-for-9 in his last two games with a homer and a steal.  Might not be anything, but if he’s coming around and was dropped in your league, you should pick him up.

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  About as ugly as you can get for a complete game.  I will call you, Blechburn.

J.R. Towles – Sent to the minors as the Astros threw in the *pinkie to mouth* Towles.  Don’t get me wrong, Towles hasn’t been good, but the Astros had to get Humberto Quintero back into the lineup?  Whatevs, I’m not trying to figure it out.

Ian Kennedy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER as Oswalt threw 7 IP but gave up a run.  The baby boomers will be happy; this time Kennedy took out Oswalt.

As I was thinking about Rudy going off and getting married, I needed a good cry, so I burned myself a sad song CD.  Rather than try and find 15 songs that all had the same sentiment, I just put Why Can’t I? by Liz Phair on there 15 times.  By the 12th repeat, I started to realize something, Liz Phair is talking about closers.  Picking up setup men that you hope become the closer?  “It’s an itch we know we are gonna scratch.”  When will Matt Thornton become the closer?  “Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch.”  Octavio Dotel is called into the game?  “Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you?”  I know exactly what you mean, Liz Phair.  Frankly, I’m surprised no one else picked up on this hidden meaning.  This is our Helter Skelter.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Papelbon (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
2. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (George Sherrill, Ramon Troncoso, Hong-Chih Kuo)
3. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, Alfredo Aceves, Damaso Marte)
4. Carlos Marmol (+2) (John Grabow, Carlos Zambrano)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Joakim Soria (+2) (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Fernando Nieve, Jenrry Mejia)
7. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. Brian Wilson (+1) (Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo)
10. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
11. David Aardsma (-2) (Mark Lowe, Brandon League)
12. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Kris Medlen)
14. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
15. Jon Rauch (+12) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
16. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
17. Brian Fuentes (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
18. Leo Nunez (Dan Meyer, Brian Sanches)
19. Matt Capps (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Brian Bruney, Mike MacDougal)
20. Matt Lindstrom (+10) (Brandon Lyon, Sammy Gervacio)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Bobby Jenks (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
22. Trevor Hoffman (-4) )(Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Octavio Dotel (-6) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
25. Brad Lidge (+4) (Danys Baez, Jose Contreras, Chad Durbin)
26. Franklin Morales (+2) (Manny Corpas, Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
27. Chad Qualls (-4) (Juan Gutierrez, Bob Howry)
28. Neftali Feliz (-11) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray)
29. Chris Perez (-3) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp, Kerry Wood)
30. Alfredo Simon (-15) (Cla Meredith, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Lester Freamon)

You’ll have to excuse me; I’m a bit hoarse after a weekend in Vegas, so don’t ask me to yell.  All caps are just too much right now.  I’m not sure where I lost my voice.  May have been during our spirited game of Pai Gow Poker.  What was I doing playing $15 hands of a game where I literally just turned my cards over so the dealer could tell me how to play them?  It’s the free drinks, ya’ll!  About eighty dollars worth a free drinks to be exact.  Oh, and Ubaldo was pitching a no-hitter and Pai Gow Poker had the best seats in the house.  I think even the three 70-year-old Asian ladies at the table with us were into it by the ninth.  Hair’s to you, Ubaldo!  Either way, I’m spent so I’ll have to keep my enthusiasm on simmer for now about Ike Davis.  Let’s start this mofo with what Stephen said in the Mets’ Minor League Review, “After hitting zero home runs in 215 at-bats in 2008, doubters began questioning his “raw power,” but failed to consider an oblique injury.  Splitting time between High-A and Double-A, Davis flat-out raked.  Not necessarily the most polished hitter, he still has some work to do with his swing and strikeout rate, but he should continue to hit for power as he keeps a decent rate of balls in the air (42.8 FB%).”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  In nine games in Triple-A Buffalo, Davis has two homers as he hits a robust .357.  Not to be confused with the girls in Vegas, who are mo’bust.  The Mets are calling up Davis in the next week.  Do I take a flier on him in 12 team or deeper mixed leagues?  Certainly.  Do I expect the 2nd coming of Hayzeus Cristo?  Nope.  But if he hits in first few games, his value will go sky high and you’ll be able to trade him for more than he’s worth.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Mike Jacobs – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to “stop sucking.”

Derek Jeter – Will return on Tuesday after missing yesterday’s game with a head cold.  Good to see he’s quickly on the mend because a head cold sidelined Greinke for a year.

Aaron Rowand – On the DL with three fractures in his cheekbones that he sustained from a Padilla fastball.  In related news, Charlie Haeger’s fastball plunked a mosquito.  The mosquito’s day-to-day.

Eugenio Velez – Guess who now has a new every day job?  Conan O’Brien? Um, yeah, but also Velez.  He’s terrible at everything, except speed.  Oh, what glorious burners he has.  So, as always, SAGNOF.

Barry Zito – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks and was Alexander Hamilton to Clayton Kershaw’s Aaron Burr (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks).  I’d avoid tough matchups with Zito, but he was ownable last year in most mixed leagues and now through three starts his ERA is below 2.

Franklin Morales – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Now has back-to-back blown saves.  Rafael Betancourt, cuddle boy extraordinaire, would be next in line, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet.  If Morales blows his next one, then commence vulturing.

Jair Jurrjens – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Jar-Jar was hit hard hard by the Padres in his last start, then held an actual major league offense in check.  Next time, he gets the Mets.  Uh-oh.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.12 on the year.  Amongst other reasons, his move to the AL scared me off of him this year.  But so far– Wait, he’s faced the Royals twice and the M’s at Safeco.  Very sneaky, Scherzer.

Wade LeBlanc – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  But if a monkey were playing third, that would’ve been hilarious!

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his third steal as he continues to bat leadoff.  Potatoes to chips, his OBP, which is currently at .280, should shoot up at least 40 points.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4 and his fourth homer yesterday.  Reynolds is hitting .182 on the year and hasn’t attempted a steal.  It’s not cherrypicking negativity for Mini Donkey.  It’s a goad.  Donkeys, mini or otherwise, need goading.

Juan Gutierrez – Sure has been one sweet pickup for me since Thursday.  2 appearances, 1 IP and 5 ER.  Maybe tomorrow he can defecate on my Reggie Jackson rookie card.

Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Padres in Petco.  A’la Guy Fieri, “Was a meatball of an appearance.  And meatballs are good!”

Ty Wigginton – Has 4 homers in the last week.  Might hit 4 more this week, then not hit another one for a month.  Grab while hot, friend.

Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5 yesterday and will now hit leadoff vs. lefties with Theriot dropping to the eight hole, also known as the don’t steal so the pitcher can bunt you over hole.

Lance Berkman – He’s ready to return for Tuesday’s game.  Him and Carlos Lee should be able to fix the Astros’ offense, assuming you’re playing in a 2006 throwback league.  I have my doubts that Berkman will be the old Berkman.  Actually, let me rephrase that because he will indeed be the old Berkman.  He just won’t be the Berkman that we used to see.

Aaron Hill – Should be ready to go by Friday.  I’ll be impressed if he returns and stays healthy the rest of the year.  Member how excited you were in March to own him?  How ya feeling now?

Alberto Callaspo – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs with 2 homers yesterday.  He’s a .300 hitter with little to no speed and very minimal power.  I will call you, Polancallaspo.

Scott Podsednik – 3-for-5 with his 7th steal.  If you were an alien and this were your first day on Earth and you saw Podsednik’s stats so far this season and his wife, you’d probably think he was the best player in the major leagues.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He got lucky last time, too.  The time before, I said, “He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again.”  These starts since then have made it real hard to buy into him totally, but I’d rather own him at this point than not.

Carl Pavano – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I talked him up last week.  Finally putting years of dreckitude behind me.  So I picked him up and he got shelled.  Did he do this to spite me?  Probably.  But guess what?  It was a weekly league, so I didn’t have him in my active lineup yet.  In your face, Pavano!

Jason Marquis – Didn’t record an out as he gave up 7 runs.  Now that’s Razztastic!

Mark Teixeira – HR yesterday as his average buoys around .115.  Someone turn this guy’s calender to June.

Jay Bruce – 2 solo homers yesterday.  After the game, he cured death, then reversed the cure because of all the people who doubted him the first two weeks.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks has a 0.75 ERA on the year.  Have I mentioned that I traded Rafael Soriano to get Garza in one league?

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Stop the press!  Who’s that?  Ricky Romero!

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  As the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Mazel tov.”

Rich Harden – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 BBs.  Weird how his stuff has gone from filthy to sloppy.