Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them.  Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks.  Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess!  I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before.  I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.”  Wha’ happened?  Did someone poison the bullpen water?  Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers?  There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.”  To recap this month in closing quickly:  Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop?  Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level.  Got all of that?  Yeah, I’m not sure I did either.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner)
6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli)
8. J.J. Putz (-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw)
9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs)
10. Jose Valverde (-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers)
12. Brandon League (+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen)
13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
14. Grant Balfour (+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers (+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon)
16. Joe Nathan (+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Sean Marshall (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton)
22. Jonathan Broxton (+6) (Aaron Crow)
23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
24. Frank Francisco (-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez)
25. Alfredo Aceves (-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard)
26. Carlos Marmol (-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood)
27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica)
28. Scott Downs (-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins)
29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago (-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain)
30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)

Who really doesn’t love a song that isn’t closely related to baseball being the lead in?  I mean I could have made the title Africa, same band, but further from the premise.  So we are onto an update of those every crazy relievers that garner some attention but are like the guys buried in the lower left corner on Hollywood Squares. Sure, they’re useful, but only when you need to go for the win.  These guys aren’t rosterable everywhere because not every league is cool enough to have a Holds category.  Holds are about as wonky to figure out this early in the season as to why BJ and the Bear isn’t still on TV.  Once you get through all the early stretches, you start to see patterns form on the lesser known guys. The big guns for Holds, are guys that are rosterable everywhere and help out with all those hip peripheral numbers that all the stat heads try to figure out in their dorm rooms in between smoking the tweed and Intro to Human Anatomy. So with 4 weeks in, we can see who is setting up who and how they are being used in certain situations.  So enjoy the holds update and how some teams bullpens are breaking down. The NL version will be along shortly.  (Before we get into the Holds post, here’s this week’s FanDuel contest.)

AL East:

Boston - A muddled up mess.  No clear definition is the best I can come up with.  Franklin Morales looks to be the only usable guy outside of when they get the whole Daniel Bard and Afredo Aceves situation in order.  Sleeper guy here is Scott Atchison, he is a hundred years young and has been pretty affective so far.

New York – K-Rob and Soriano should be owned in most hold leagues already.  Look out for Boone Logan, great K rate early on and has started to get more burn with Girardi. Sleeper guy is Cory Wade as he swoops in and vultures all those wins.

Baltimore – Matt Lindstrom is the most popular guy here, but Pedro Strop is the guy to own in Charm City.  Dude throws hard and Baltimore goes to their bullpen often.  Re-tread Luis Ayala has been getting a few 7th inning appearances and could be a sneaky AL-Only guy.

Toronto – CoCo was the main guy, but now he is off to greener pastures.  Until Sergio gets back it looks like Luis Perez is the guy to own here, failed starter turned reliever. 12/4 K/BB rate so far.  Jason Frasor is the veteran presence when all is normal and sees tons of time in front of the closer, whomever it may be.

Tampa Bay – Has the third worst bullpen ERA in the AL.  Joel Peralta is still the favorite for holds, if you can stomach his 10 ERA.  Jake McGee is on the radar but has been very ineffective.

AL Central:

Chicago – I think they have the best set of bullpen arms in MLB.  Crain.  Reed and Thornton have basically been unhittable and Crain is doing his normal thing. Ventura mixes and matches but all 3 should be owned universally.

Detroit – Joaquin Benoit is the guy here, he should have been drafted as a #1 option in holds leagues anyways.  Coke and Dotel are the other options for when Leyland needs a smoke break.  Leyland uses the same set of relievers a ton so expect to see a lot of games from both guys.

Kansas City – Greg Holland was supposed to be the man and he stumbled, enter Aaron Crow.  Has a .161 BAA and should see most set-up chances if they get any.  Sleeper til Holland gets better is Tim Collins, the non alcoholic version of Tom.

Minnesota – Glen Perkins was supposed to be the stalwart here and he has battled both injury and ineffectiveness. Jared Burton has pitched very unheralded because it’s usually Capps who blows the lead after he holds it.

Cleveland – Tons of great arms here to choose from.  Pestano is most likely owned but other usable options are Tony Sipp and Joe Smith. Sleeper here is Jairo Asencio.

AL West:

Oakland – Oakland’s pen has done a nice job so far in front of Balfour.  Ryan Cook leads the team in holds and is the best option moving forward. Blevins and Figueroa are lying in the weeds for low AL Only productivity.

Los Angeles – Scott Downs is the guy to own here.  LaTroy Hawkins  and Kevin Jepsen have contributed early.  Outside of Downs, this is not a bullpen that screams pennant contender.

Seattle – The flame throwing pot smoking Tom Wilhelmsen is the main set-up guy to League.  Sneaky good option Steve Delabar has a comfy 12/0 K/BB rate in the early going, too bad he gave up 4 Hr’s already.  Sleeper here is Lucas Luetge.

Texas - Mike Adams and Alexei Ogando lead the way in holds for baseball and will be used a ton. Underutilized Koji is still very usable and the sleeper here could be Robbie Ross who is the win vulture in the early going.

Derek Holland is not officially a rookie, but that doesn’t mean he might not roofie you.  Pitching in and out of the rotation last year, he had some real ulcer-inducing starts.   I know, I have the internal scars to prove it.  Oh, Mylanta!  Though his xFIP was better than his actual ERA.  I know, too bad your league isn’t all fussy with an xFIP category.  Holland’s a plus-plus strikeout guy.  In the hitter-friendly PCL, he had a 37:7 K:BB rate and a 0.93 ERA.  He’s homer-prone and in Arlington that is a recipe for turd nuggets.  I’m much more aggressive about grabbing young hitters than young pitchers.  Hitters give you an 0-for-34 and you punt.  A pitcher gives you a 2 IP, 7 ER start and that causes you to punch a random stranger and then next thing you know some guy named Bubba is fitting you for a teardrop tattoo.  See how quickly that spiral spun downward?  Ask Lawrence Taylor, he’ll tell you.  So I didn’t grab Holland anywhere, but I would in the right circumstances, as long as you monitor where you start him.  His first two outings are set for the A’s and Angels.  That’s a “Yes, please” and “Don’t mind if I do.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 hit shutout with 8 Ks as he dropped his ERA to 4.07 on the season.  And there’s why I liked him so much in the preseason.  If he’s out there in your league, own him, in the non-biblical sense.

Chris Heisey – Got his first major league hit and homer.  He’s a 15/15 type that needs to have everyday at-bats to have mixed league value.  I think he’s better than Drew Stubbs, but WWDD?  My guess is Dusty will continue to play Stubbs.

J.J. Hardy – Headed for the DL with a bruised left wrist.  If you don’t have DL room, move on/look elsewhere.  Brendan Harris should see most of the time at short.  Harris is good… To avoid.  Twins also called up Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, Charlie Morton pitched better than Slowey last night.  I’m not dropping Slowey, but that’s only because I don’t own him in 12 team leagues or shallower.  If I did, he’d be done-zo.  In deeper leagues, I’m holding him but I’m not starting him next time out.  I’m kinda just hoping for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  How dare you betray my trust, Slowey?  You’re about to get filed away with 2009 James Shields, which might be the best thing for your career.

Bobby Jenks – Got the save yesterday, but Ozzie said they could go to a closer by situation, which is closer by committee for those who have used all of their blanks and M tiles.

Franklin Morales – To the DL.  Manny Corpas and/or Rafael Betancourt should get the saves, in that order.  I’d own both, if I had the room.  Unfortunately, I had a big meal of Blown Save Suckage recently, so no room.

Neftali Feliz – Blew a save.  You ever own the setup man and hope the closer doesn’t blow it because you don’t trust the setup man?  That’s how I feel with Frank Francisco.  I own him, but am petrified of him getting save opportunities.  Sorta how I feel about Juan Gutierrez too.

Mark DeRosa – Called offseason wrist surgery a total failure and he may need another procedure.  The doctor who operated called DeRosa the worst patient ever and said he wants his lollipop back.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as he hit 8th in the lineup because, well, he sucks.  I did have some concerns about him in the preseason.  Click it, you know you wanna.

Fred Lewis – 2-for-4, now batting .309 on the year with two homers and 3 steals.  Not flashy like my dookie fat gold chain that is just below the frame of my user photo, but Lewis will tortoise you to a 10/17 year.

Russell Branyan – 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of something if you need power.  He did hit 22 homers pre-All-Star Break last year.

Carlos Beltran – Ricky from My So Called Life was cleared to jog and do some baseball activities.  You know, like spitting and grabbing his junk.  Considering Beltran was only supposed to miss a few games last June, I’ll believe he’s playing baseball again when I see it in Metco.

Scott Olsen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Only one of those baserunners was a walk and a few of those singles were of the “Excuse me” variety.  So hold S.O. (<–not a palindrome)

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating as all get out.

Randy Wells – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Without doing the complex math, I’m going to say he was unlucky here too since he only had 5 baserunners and 3 earned.  I’m buying into Wells getting, um, well.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K.  Read Wells’ blurb in a mirror.

Troy Glaus – 17 for his last 38 with two homers in two straight games.  Should be owned in all leagues while he’s hot.

Tim Stauffer – Added DL to his RP/SP eligibility as he’s out for 6 weeks with an appendectomy.

Brad Lidge – Said he didn’t like how his arm felt when he threw yesterday.  That’s usually not a good sign.  The Latin 38, Jose Contreras, is the pickup for saves.  Everyone seems fine with grabbing Contreras and maybe he’ll be okay, but he seems to be pitching so far over his head I’m surprised he hasn’t been bringing a ladder out to the mound.

Jimmy Rollins – Expects to be back by next week.  Maybe he can close.

John Ely – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Said I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues before this start.  Now I’d start to look at him in mixed leagues.  In his division and park, he should get some decent matchups.

Josh Beckett – Will miss Friday’s start because of back spasms that were a result of taking swings in the batting cage.  What, was he reading Rick Ankiel’s Wikipedia page?

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying it.

Jason Varitek – You might want to stay away from sharp objects as you read the next two sentences.  Varitek hit his 6th homer on the year yesterday.  Victor Martinez has 3 homers.

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-3 as he bats .268 on the year.  He still hasn’t hit a homer.  Wha’ happened?  The ‘brist have his power circumcised?  It’s not completely surprising to me.  As I said in the rankings, “(Zobrist) was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as his defense let him down with 4 unearned runs.  Penny has a 1.70 ERA on the year.  You know when you have one guy who is carrying your whole staff and you just know the bottom is going to fall out but you want to believe so bad.  Yeah, Penny’s that guy for me on multiple teams.

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  So far this year, he’s been consistently better than average.  He seems like a safe bet to get some Ks, keep his team close and at some point beat up a girl.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 as he hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Instead of fireworks, the Astros showcased their new way to celebrate a home run.  A giant dummy in the outfield that bears a striking resemblance to Ed Wade has its eyes pop out and toupee shoots off its head after a homer.

Eric Chavez – Hit his first homer of the year.  It was a called shot.  He called it, “I can’t believe I’m not on the DL.”

Here’s what my crystal ball said on March 5th, “(Medlen) averaged over a K an inning last year.  Will start the year as an MR, barring an injury to someone… *cough* Jar Jar *cough*.  Medlen will get into the rotation shortly.  Meesa tinks Jar Jar won’t make it the whole year healthy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Kris Medlen is now the starter as the Braves wash Jurrjens out of their hair for at least three weeks while he deals with a strained hamstring.  I grabbed Medlen in one league where it made sense.  He gets a tough first matchup going against the Phillies at Citizens Flank.  If Medlen pitches well in his first start, he’ll be added everywhere.  So depending how bad you need him, you add him now or prepare to rush to grab him on Saturday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a sore groin, which would be a good name for a Viagra-type drug, but spelled “soar” and with an exclamation mark.  Oh, and speaking of groins…

Bobby Cox – The congratulatory cake made by the Senate for Bobby Cox had an unfortunate misspelling.  Maybe Jim Eisenreich was the baker.

Andy Pettitte – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and left with elbow inflammation.  That’s now three of the core four that are sore.  Jeter better take it easy on the pasta diving.

Nick Johnson – 3-for-3 with a homer.  He has a .171 average and a .396 OBP.  That almost seems impossible, right?  Seriously, no joke.  Batting in front of Tex and A-Rod and he leads the league in walks.  Incredible.

Alfredo Aceves – Got the save since Joba was used the last two days.  This was after the Orioles pitched Alfredo Simon.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two guys named after pasta sauce appeared in the same game since Alfredo Griffin and Bolognese Penne squared off in 1982.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Thomas, in accounting, broke his own record of 37 minutes when he took 45 minutes to sign a birthday card with ‘Your (sic) the best.’”

Adam Jones – Missed the game with dreckitude, I mean, a hip strain.  He’s supposed to play on Thursday.  Yay.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday.  Or the same amount of homers as Andruw Jones.  That’s only 7 more homers than Teixeira.  Pardon me as I go stick my head in the oven.

Aramis Ramirez – Hey, the power of persuasion worked!  Aramis was moved down the order.  Now how about my Powerball numbers coming in!

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and lucky to get out with the Win.  Last year, Slowey had screws put in his wrist and now he’s putting the screws to his owners.  The screws seem to be effecting his pinpoint control that made him the pitcher that he was.  In 2009, through 90+ innings, he had 15 walks.  He has 11 through 34+ innings this year.

Denard Span – 11 for his last 22 and has 7 Steals and 19 Runs on the season.  Heading for exactly the type of season I thought he would when I put him down for 100/10/70/.300/22.

David Ortiz – Hit his third homer in four games, while he bats .171.  Yeah, he’s “not done,” he’s just a “very poor imitation of his younger self.”

Huston Street – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Monday which will put him on schedule to return in about two weeks.

Franklin Morales – His leash got even shorter last night.  If you’re looking for vulture saves, grab Corpas.

Johnny Damon – Left yesterday’s game with a right calf spasm.  Damon is day-to-day, man. (<–almost a palindrome!)

Miguel Cabrera – 2 homers as he took a double shot off the Slow Twin Fizz.

Alex Avila – Hit his first two homers of the season yesterday.  I grabbed him in a deep 2 catcher league hoping this is a sign of a potential breakout.  He does need to do battle with Laird for the starting job, but Laird’s hitting .141 with one homer and a bruised shin.  Not a braised shin though, which is delicious!

Manny Ramirez – Returns on Saturday after playing today for the Inland Empire, which is on the planet Naboo.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his third homer.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals, which is yawnstipating while it’s happening, but it’s still 12/12 at the end of the year.  Now someone just needs to convince Riggleman Desmond should be in the two hole and not the crap that is usually there.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA now stands at 1.49.  His xFIP is 4.09, which means he’s getting very lucky, but no one thought Zito was a sub-2 ERA pitcher anyway, right?

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Or one more homer than Ryan Howard.  Zoinks!

Carlos Lee – Home run.  Final Lee.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Frequent commenter, penpen, brought up a good point.  With Romero, Morrow and Cecil, the Jays are like the high risk/high reward hodgepadres.  The hodgepodjays:  They’ll give you Ks and solid games against bad teams.  Then tie you to the WHIPping post and get beat in what should be good matchups.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4, and his fourth homer.  He’s one hot streak away from being exactly where he was last year.  Recognize!  Or don’t.  Your call.

Fred Lewis – 5 for his last 10.  So far in his career he’s had “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production, but the Jays are pushing the issue with him as their leadoff man, so maybe the stability can produce the 15/15 season he’s hinted at in the past.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back decent starts.  Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment, but Cueto can pitch well if he finds his groove.

Jose Reyes – 0-for-5 as his average falls to .225.  I’m kinda at the point where I’m glad he’s not batting leadoff so maybe he gets one less at-bat.

Chris Perez – 1 2/3 IP, 3 unearned as he blew the save with the Ticker Shock.

Milton Bradley – Left in the middle of Tuesday’s game telling the manager, “I’m out of here.”  Ironically, Milton Bradley produces Sorry and not Risk.

The peasant Royals finally called up the first baseman, Kila Ka’aihue, who was blocked by Mike Jacobs last year in a boneheaded move.  His name is not pronounced Killer Kahlua.  Kila has a career .386 OBP in the minor leagues.  I guess Moore has no place for that on his team that has a .325 OBP.  In Stephen’s Minor League Review of the Royals, he wrote, “In 555 Triple-A at-bats (across two years), (Kila’s) hit for a .211 ISO.  The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.  Oh, and for Halloween I want to dress up as Grey but I don’t know how to make my head simultaneously big and stupid.”  Whoa, I gotta start proofreading these Minor League Reviews a little closer.  The only problem with Kila is I’m not sure where the Royals are going to play him.  Grab in deep mixed and AL-Only leagues.  Everyone else, hold your junk until we see how his playing time shakes out and to make sure this Kila is shooting something besides BBs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5 with a homer as the Royals finally called up another guy.  If you’re hurting for average, Aviles could provide some support, bra.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hochevar wants you to fall for the old banana in the tailpipe again.  Don’t do it.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Out until Friday with a tight left quad.  Hopefully, on Friday it’s not a split quad game.  Yeah, that probably made no sense.

Stephen Strasburg – The Nats moved the carrot a little closer to their fans, promoting Strasburg to Triple-A.  If you build the hype, they will come.  Get your House of Strasburg gear ready for a mid-June call-up.  I don’t own Strasburg anywhere and am trying to stay away from the hype, but it’s out there in full force.  If you do have Strasburg, I’m going to tell you to sell him as his hype peaks in June.  If you don’t own him and he’s sitting on waivers, I’d grab him so when the hype crescendos you can exploit it.

Livan Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Now has 4 wins and a 0.99 ERA.  In other news, water is dry.

Tyler Clippard – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER for his 7th Hold.  Now has a 0.46 ERA and a 0.86 WHIP with 25 Ks in 19 2/3 IP.  Need help with those ratios, there ya go.

Steven Pearce – The Pirates recalled their Quad-A phenom, Pearce.  This could significantly hurt Clement’s playing time.  Don’t the Pirates know my fantasy teams are Ron Popeil’ing Jeff Clement in their catcher slot?  This news to me is like the mint to Mr. Creosote.  I was fine with Grandy getting injured, with Quentin sucking on the suckwagon, even with Filthy Sanchez not having a great last start, but now I’m losing my every day catcher?  *explosion*

Jeff Clement – 0-for-3, as he hits .164.  Speaking of Quad-A players, he’s really doing nothing to warrant every day at-bats anyway.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Octavio Dotel – 1 IP, 0 ER and the Save.  Proving that old fantasy baseball idiom, even a broken closer is right twice a month.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer as he bats .323 on the year.  It’s shame that he’s batting so low in the order because he only has 9 RBIs.  Testing my power of persuasion:  the Cubs should move Aramis down in the order.  His .149 average warrants it.

Alfonso Soriano – Now has 5 homers in the last 4 games and he’s batting .321.  He’s a spry Latin 34, I tell ya.

Clayton Kershaw – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER when Ramon Ortiz relieved him.  I wonder how many Dodger fans thought this was a Ramon Ortiz masterpiece since no one in LA shows up to the game until the 3rd inning.  Obviously, a terrible Kershaw start, but he had some in the beginning of last year too.  Now’s not the time to panic.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 as he hit his 7th homer and bats .364.  I don’t talk much about the top hitters in the game, assuming they’re hitting as they should be, so there’s nothing really to say about Longoria, except he’s putting together an MVP season.

James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  Now the AL Ks leader, which fittingly enough makes me want to drink.

Franklin Morales – He’s kinda losing his shizz right in front of our eyes.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see Corpas or Betancourt get a crack at a save in the case of Sooner vs. Later.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 6 for his last 11 with a homer.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Pierre – Now has 5 steals in the last three games.  SAGNOF!

Jose Contreras – Charlie Manuel said he may look at Contreras to close out some games if Lidge can’t go.  This sounds like hooey.  Only go near Contreras in the most desperate of scenarios.

Brad Lidge – In a non-move that spoke wonders, Manuel didn’t bring Lidge in to close out a 1-0 game.  Pujols wasn’t even due up, though he was wearing his, “I Own Lidge And All I Got Was This Stupid Shirt” shirt.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, 1 Fan Running Onto The Field, Zero Tasering, 2 Bad.

A.J. Burnett – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He had his curve working for the first time all year and the Ks returned.  I do believe he pitched well partially out of spite because his long-time nemesis, Posada, wasn’t catching.

Joba Chamberlain – Got the save as Mo got, uh, mo rest.  Supposedly, Mariano will be back by Friday, but better to be safe than sorry and grab Joba.

Yunel Escobar – Heads to the 15-day DL with a strained left groin.  This was the best case scenario.  No, that’s not right.  Best case scenario would be he’s healthy… Actually, best case scenario is he was healthy and hitting well.  So the good news is Yunel received the 3rd best best case scenario.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-2 with his 8th homer yesterday.  In a move that’s going to make you question why on Earth you ask me anything, I dropped Heyward last week in one of my leagues.  It was a 12 team league with no bench and, well, I’m dumb.

Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rockies.  Guess where this start was?  It rhymes with Repko.  LeBlanc gets the Giants next then the Dodgers at home.  Nice matchups there, now grab him.

Kyle Blanks – 0-for-2 as he bats .189 on the year.  Blanks is proving to be quite the aptronym (Word of the Day!).

Travis Snider – Now 5-for-9 in his last two games with a homer and a steal.  Might not be anything, but if he’s coming around and was dropped in your league, you should pick him up.

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  About as ugly as you can get for a complete game.  I will call you, Blechburn.

J.R. Towles – Sent to the minors as the Astros threw in the *pinkie to mouth* Towles.  Don’t get me wrong, Towles hasn’t been good, but the Astros had to get Humberto Quintero back into the lineup?  Whatevs, I’m not trying to figure it out.

Ian Kennedy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER as Oswalt threw 7 IP but gave up a run.  The baby boomers will be happy; this time Kennedy took out Oswalt.