Fantasy Baseball Advice

In last year’s top 80 outfielders post, I told you to take a flyer on Krispie Young, Delmon Young and Nick Swisher.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.  Then there was crap, crap, kinda crap and Jason Heyward.  That’s what you’re probably getting late at outfield again this year.  I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  So all the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

61. Tyler Colvin – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Boesch.  You’re looking at a guy who should get around 20 homers and a handful of steals, assuming you don’t have Alfonseca hands.  Though I’m legitimately concerned he’s going to hit just .240, have homers in the teens and be unusable.  2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.265/10

62. Coco Crisp – Seems like Coco is the du jour pick of people who think they’re, like, totally smart.  People look at him and see a guy that gave a cheap, very valuable season last year.  It’s true.  Okay, now think about his ownership last year.  He was always on and off waivers for a reason.  He was 30 years old while having his first productive season in years and he can’t stay healthy.  He’s fine if he’s healthy but you’ll be dropping him at some point.  Mark my words.  Not with a permanent marker though, they’re on your computer.  2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22

63. Ryan Kalish – Kalish is a big time friend of Grey.  He’s got great upside.  I guarantee at some point he will be the hottest add off of waivers.  Just right now, as I write this in January, I have no idea where he’s playing every day.  You wanna grab him in the last few rounds as a flyer?  I’m all for it just to see if he can break camp and start.  Just know, you may be dropping him a few days into the season.  2011 Projections:  65/7/50/.270/25 in 400 ABs

64. Franklin Gutierrez – I think I’m finally ready to admit that I like Gutierrez’s nickname, The Big FraGu, more than I like him in fantasy, but not quite.  He’s a cheap 15/15 guy!  (Which does grow crazy boring over the course of the season.)  2011 Projections:  65/15/70/.260/17

65. Garrett Jones – Robot Jones didn’t make the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Neither the hoo!  He’s worth a flyer at a corner infidel spot if you’re desperate.  His average last year was a bit on the unlucky side, he has power and some slight speed.  What I’m basically saying is, he’s a’ight.  2011 Projections:  65/24/80/.270/7

66. Chris Carter – Could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man?  Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense.  I never saw The X-Files.  I’m not a dork!  Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…  My Chris Carter fantasy is there.  I wrote it in pink highlighter while riding on the back of an emu.  I suggest you picture that while reading it.  2011 Projections:  35/22/55/.225/3

67. Brennan Boesch – Is he even a starter?  Not sure, but if he gets hot he might start for a couple of months.  He did show last year that when he’s hitting he can keep it going for a bit.  He’s probably more of a guy to look at in Spring Training to see what his playing time is.  2011 Projections:  60/16/70/.250/7

68. Brad Hawpe – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ordonez.  I call this tier, “If you draft any of these guys in your last outfield slot, you deserve to lose.”  Veteran outfielders are fine to pick up once the season starts and you want to play the hot hand, but to draft one is wasting a pick.  Even if a guy like Hawpe explodes in Petco (which is highly doubtful), you’re not going to hold him when someone is sitting on waivers that is far more enticing the first week of the season.  Really you shouldn’t even be drafting hitters this late.  You should’ve already filled your hitting and be grabbing random closer handcuffs or an SP.  Oh, and I have nothing to say about Hawpe.  2011 Projections:  55/24/70/.260

69. Josh Willingham – It’s the 2nd coming of The Hammer in Oakland, only this Hammer you can touch.  Though you shouldn’t.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.260/4

70. Johnny Damon – If he played 2nd base, he’d have value and be able to reach the base he’s throwing to.  2011 Projections:  85/14/45/.280/10

71. J.D. Drew – He’s in a good place to play, assuming he’s playing and not on the trainer’s table getting his quad rubbed down.  2011 Projections: 60/21/70/.270/3

72. Cody Ross – Probably will hit a few homers some random week of the season and I’ll tell you to grab him while he’s hot.  That will probably last for about two weeks then you’re going to need to drop him again.  2011 Projections:  60/17/70/.260/10

73. Jack Cust – He only has outfield eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  That’s okay, cause you’re not drafting him anyway.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

74. Magglio Ordonez – Soul Glo Magglio of yesteryear is donezo.  Now he’s “Maybe you get 20 homers and a good average while boring the Capris off of you” Magglio or you get “Oft-injured vet that causes people to mock you when you draft him” Magglio.  Neither is very good.  2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.300

75. Luke Scott – I call this tier, “Guys that have outfield eligibility in Yahoo, but you should be playing them at different positions.”  I don’t necessarily dislike all of these guys.  They’re kinda hit or miss.  Or not really hitting and missing, as the case will probably be.  As for Luke “I am not your waiver wire fodder” Scott, it’s cute that you think you’re going to own him all year, but we both know you’re not going to.  If you want to draft him, I won’t stand in your way, but I also won’t stand in your way when you drop him before the season starts.  2011 Projections:  60/22/70/.260

76. Eric Patterson – Patterson’s projections can be found at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

77. Bill Hall – I don’t think H-A Double Hockey Sticks got mentioned in the top 20 basemen post but I guess that’s the point.  He’s not that memorable.  All kidding aside– Were we kidding? I did not know. Quiet, Random Italicized Voice.  Bill Hall’s not a terrible crazy late flyer at 2nd base.  Don’t put him in your outfield.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.240/7

78. Ryan Doumit – Doumit’s projections can be found at the top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

79. Omar Infante – Infante’s projections can be found at the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

80. Mark Teahen – Member when people were excited by Mark Teahen for a minute a few years ago?  That’s not an Urban Dictionary dot com “minute” either, which is actually a long time.  I have a nickname for Mark Teahen, MT Promises.  2011 Projections:  60/15/75/.275/7

After the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s more names than you can throw a stick at, but here’s three worth mentioning:

David Murphy – I like Murph, but you have to platoon him.  Say, grab him with your next to last round pick then Matt Diaz with your last round pick.  You’ll actually end up with decent numbers if you switch them out per matchups but you also might grow bored by April 15th and drop both.  Or have an injury to someone and need to drop one.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.280/12

Matt Joyce – If it wasn’t for Damon and Manny, Joyce could mollywhop homers and save kittens.  Then again, Manny and Damon, or as I like to call them Damanny, will get hurt and Joyce will see some time.  2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4

Brandon Allen – I’d actually rank Allen 63rd on this list, but here he is so I can highlight him.  I like Brandon Allen probably more than I should.  The addition of Nady hurts his value, Juan Miranda hurts his value, Brandon Allen hurts his own value, but I think he finally gets his ABs in the desert.  If they play Parra over Allen, I could have a fit, or phit if you spell like a graffiti artist.  Allen will hit 25 homers with everyday at-bats and, in his last year of Triple-A, he stole 14 bases.  He might hit .230 but it’s absolutely worth the flyer.  I also already went into a seedy motel and soiled it further with my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I.e., Grey hearts Brandon Allen.  2011 Projections:  60/25/80/.245/7

I picked up Doug Fister in every league I could.  So, that’s out of the way.  I won’t start him the next time out though and I’m not sure I’ll start him ever.  I may just drop him if I never get a good matchup at home.  At home’s key.  That’s the only place I’d start him.  Last night, his 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks performance is his peak.  He pitches to contact and doesn’t K anyone.  He’s similar to Joel Pineiro.  Call him Jo-eh.  If you were the firster to get him off waivers, chuck him into a package trade for someone much more reliable or exciting.  His appeal is limited.  So, yes, I grabbed him to chuck him.  My apologies, Mister Fister.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – Hit his 2nd homer in as many days.  Going mono y mano with Soriole, Bradley Bergesen.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu left the game in the 7th with tightness in his groin.  Ugh-arf!  That’s FraGu backwards (almost).

Conor Jackson – To the DL with a hamstring.  This is probably the best thing to happen to his owners all year.  If you’re struggling to find room for him on the DL, I’ll save you the time.  Drop him in most mixed leagues.

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4, but Conor Jackson’s hamfret pushes Johnson into the leadoff role.  I like me some Johnson!  Not like that.  C’mon, that’s juvenile.

Gerardo Parra – 1-for-3, and now has a starting job because Conor Jackson’s injury is paying it forward.  Parra has little value outside of NL-Only leagues.  There, he’ll give you very little power and little speed.

Ty Wigginton – I mentioned grabbing him yesterday when he had four homers in the last week.  Today, he has 5.

David Eckstein – He hit a walk-off HR for San Diego.  When pressed for comment, Eckstein said it was his biggest hit since knocking out Soda Popinski.

Clayton Richard – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not really bad on Ks and he will have an under-4 ERA at home this year.

Brian Fuentes – Scheduled to return from the DL on Wednesday.  He should get the closer role right back.  At least I hope so since I own this doode.

John Lackey – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  A’la Superintendent Chalmers, “Lack-eee!”  Honestly, this might have been Lackey’s alter ego pitching, Lon Jackey.  He pitches like he’s in a horror film.

Mike Cameron – Could miss a few games because he’s got some stones below the belt in the literal instead of colloquial sense.

Jacoby Ellsbury – May end up D’ellsburied after all.  The Sawx played Bill Hall in center yesterday.  How’s that for depth?

Jeremy Hermida – HR yesterday.  Hermida couldn’t get to a ball he should’ve, which started the scoring on Lackey.  Hermida is a poor-man’s Trot Nixon.  Call him Mosey Agnew.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s actually been one of my best pitchers so far.  Scary, yet true.

Aaron Rowand – Reports are good that Rowand won’t need surgery on his face.  Too bad Willie McGee never received the same good news.

Juan Uribe – Has two homers in the last two games.  He’s one of the streakiest hitters.  Bet he hits at least two more homers this week.

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He seems like a good guy.  I wish him the best.  I wouldn’t touch him.

Felix Pie – Will miss up to three months with latissimus dorsi muscle injury.  I thought only dolphins had dorsi muscles.  Anyone ever see Felix Pie flinch around a can of tuna?  Eh, guess it’s not important.  I imagine Reimold’s still nursing his Achilles’ because he’s pulling a Kotchman with that thing, but he’s got one less schmohawk to deal with for playing time and he has been hitting cleanup.

Kelly Shoppach – Out for 4-6 weeks with knee surgery.  I had knee surgery once and I wasn’t able to catch for almost two months later.  Actually, that’s a complete lie, but my English Comp teacher once told me to personalize.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Royals.  Now they should make him a closer!  I keed.  Morrow should be capable of more performances like this one, but he gets the Rays next and I’m officially more worried about the Rays’ offense than the Sawx’s.

Mike McCoy – 3-for-4, 2 steals.  Hill’s due back soon which will push McCoy to, well, wherever McCoys go when they’re not playing.  In the meantime, McCoy stole 40 bases in Triple-A.  As they say at Razzball, SAGNOF!

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 as he hit his 2nd homer in four games.  I think he might be a year away still, but he could be coming around; don’t sleep on him if he’s out there.

Cliff Lee – Will throw a simulated game on Tuesday.  They should use a Wii for that.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a million New Yawkers thinking this Davis has an idear up der at bat.  If you scroll down, you’ll see a post about him.  Want more, greedy?  Okay.  The Mets announcers (I heart Keith Hernandez) were comparing Davis to John Olerud.  Davis was wearing a batting helmet at the time, but they meant it about his hitting.  Also, they meant it as a compliment, but I took it as insult.  20 homers and a good average?  I’m hoping he develops more power than that.  Either way, you should own Davis for the chance at a breakout.

Jose Reyes – Wanted the day off because of fatigue.  It’s fair after playing three plus games in two days.  Then he got in the game late and continued to do nothing.  We need to remain calm.  He had no time to ramp up to the season.  The thyroid shorted him his Spring Training.  I’m not worried.  If Reyes gets hot, he could carry you for a month.

Craig Stammen – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That Stammen is a real pistil!  What, flower jokes ain’t your thing?  Whatever.  Oh, and Stammen’s a terrible pitcher, nothing’s changed.

Kevin Mench – The Nationals gave him a minor league deal and he’s hitting so far.  If the Nats call him up, I’m booking tickets for Kevin Mench Fathead Poster day when the first 10,000 guests get life-sized posters of Kevin Mench’s head that one can affix to their wall like a giant tapestry or fresco.

Scott Podsednik – Left the team for a family emergency.  The emergency:  give his hot wife a royal f***in’ vs. playing for the f***in’ Royals.

Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus.  I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now.  A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings.  Like a can’t-Catch 22.  Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor.  It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer.  Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig.  And that’s about where the good news ends.  Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow.  Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs.  So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl).  Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine.  I pick up a closer.  Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it.  Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux.  In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good.  I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it.  I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank.  Doesn’t matter to me.  Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test.  So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers.  Frank-Frank was one of them.  Belch.  Frank² is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz.  Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year?  Yup.  Frank-Frank went womp-womp.  I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hamstring issue and he’s going to miss a few days.  Adam Kennedy will finally get his chance to show that his 4617 career at-bats were a fluke.

Brian Roberts – Expects to miss about a week with a strained abdominal muscle.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is it really feels like this is headed to be a mess of a season for Roberts.  First the back, now the abdominal, next you’re looking at your fantasy team in September and wondering why you ever held onto Roberts.  At the first sign of good news, I’d look to move him.

Mike Gonzalez – You know when you’re trying to do your friends a solid by giving them a ride home when they’re drunk and then they vomit in your car and your car smells like vomit for years later reminding you that it’s always better to be the drunken idiot than the designated driver?  Vomit in this case has been Mike Gonzalez’s pitching for the last week.  The car in this case has been your team ERA.  A few times on site I told you about my concerns with Gonzalez.  Managers don’t like lefties as their closer.  Jim Johnson is a must own and, unfortunately, Gonzalez is a must hold for now.  He’ll be given a few, much needed days off.

Aaron Hill – Out until early this week with a sore hammy, which sounds like Ms. Piggy right before she hi-yah’s.

Travis Snider – Looks like a three outcome player:  ground into DP, strikeout, pop-up.

Kevin Gregg – Picked up two saves this weekend because the Jays had five save chances in the last five games.  Frasor’s still the closer, but this makes it obvious who the Jays would turn to in the event Frasor losses his shizz.  But if the Jays turned to Gregg then the Jays would lose their shizz and then the closer job would be up in the air again.  Anyway, it’s still Frasor.

Roy Halladay – Zero earned runs and 8 Ks vs. an Astros lineup which featured Cory Sullivan as their three hitter.  The Astros would’ve been better off if they auto-drafted.

Brad Lidge – Hit hard in his rehab start.  Ma nishtanah…

Charlie Haeger – 6 IP, 3 ER.  He had 12 Ks, but Haegar’s day wasn’t wrinkle-free.   He throws a knuckler and you can never trust a knuckleballer.  Some days Haeger will throw 12 Ks, other days he’ll give up 7 runs in two innings.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4 as he bats .444 with 2 steals.  He’s now batting 3rd vs. lefties and 4th vs. righties.  The Big FraGu is headed for top 40 outfielder value this year.  I own him on multiple teams if that makes it less awkward for you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs yesterday after he was invigorated with his appearance in Friday’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is the left.

Johan Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Nats.  Okay, the Nats are better on offensive than they’ve been, but in Metco?  Seriously?

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-3, hitting .476 on the year.  I’m guessing that comes down.  But he’s still only 26-years-old.  If this is indeed his coming out party, it would be more shocking than Ricky Martin’s, but not completely shocking.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper’s return date was pushed when he hurt his back testing his strained oblique.  Chipper’s like a giant injury domino.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he squeaked out the win.  Wasn’t a great start vs. the Royals.  I’d hold onto him for another couple of starts and hope for the best against the Rays next time out.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with a rib injury.  Reminded me of this time I was at Tony Roma’s… Oh, wait.  Ellsbury’s day-to-day as of post time, but I won’t blink until I get an update (because I’ll be sleeping).

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Now has 4 steals on the year.  SAGNOF!

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs while Billy Butler had one WTF (warning track fly).

Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 11 baserunners with 7 BBs.  Dusty, the Übermensch, limited Leake to 106 pitches.  Don’t think Leake can be relied on to not roofie you, but in the right matchups and deep enough leagues, I’d look at him.

Aroldis Chapman – Struck out 9 in four and two-thirds in Triple A.  Aroldis can have a 2009 Tommy Hanson-type impact when he’s called up.  Expect the phone to ring around June.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, blown save.  Four walks and a wild pitch.  Hey, Mike Gonzalez, that’s not how you blow a save, this is how you blow a save.

Grady Sizemore – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.  Sizemore should be fine this week.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER with the blown save.  I’ve had Frank-Frank, a Mike G. disjoint and Hoffman brain freezes on multiple teams.  Rub your Razzhands together and send me the strength.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 6 ER, 3 Ks.  Can’t someone sneak into Verlander’s hotel room and switch all his calenders to May?

Lastings Milledge – 3-for-5, but not so much about what he did yesterday.  He’s now hitting third in the lineup.  Deep leagues, you could do worse.

Kelly Johnson – HR yesterday, hitting near .400 over the first week of the season.  He’ll be batting in the top half of the order by next week.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday.  TCBY — what’s that stand for, you ask?  It stands for That’s Chris B. Young.  We’re not talking about fro-yo, yo.  Own Krispie, immediately.

Scott Kazmir – Set to return Thursday vs. the Yankees.  Guy can’t even get injured right.  He can’t have a small setback and return right after the Yankees series?

Jake Fox – Unathletic like a Fox got the start at catcher on Sunday.  Four more to go for eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  Probably will happen by mid-May.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with hamstring tightness.  Jim Tracy yanked Fowler off of chatroulette and inserted him into the game.  Fowler might see more action if CarGo is a no go.

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with a homer and a steal yesterday.  This came a day after Iannetta homered.  This looks like a straight timeshare with both guys getting 15+ homers and 300 ABs.  I’m running both guys out there in separate leagues.  It don’t matter, just don’t fight it.

Barry Bonds – Said he was proud of McGwire’s return to baseball.  That’s the Bad Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Chase Headley – 2-for-4 as he bats .440 in the first week.  I’m Drooly McDroolystein for this guy right now, but the real test will come in home games.  The real test comes this week.

Chris Young – Still feels soreness in shoulder and will now go on the DL.  It’s unfortunate there’s only one doctor in the San Diego area tall enough to treat him and he’s busy doing a tonsillectomy on a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo.

The Rangers bullpen costing C.J. Wilson the win is like ten thousand spoons and all you need is a knife.  Maybe Frank-Frank didn’t like Wilson cutting into his save chances last year.  I was skeptical of Wilson moving into the rotation.  I said to myself, “Grey, you’re handsome.”  Wait, wrong conversation.  I remember it now.  “Grey, why not start Neftali Feliz?  Why they fussing with C.J. Wilson?”  I didn’t have an answer and wasn’t sure why I was using the word “fussing.”  It’s like when you get mail order bride emails.  Wouldn’t they be email order brides?  Some questions have no answers.  But I’m ready to hush that fuss.  C.J. Wilson has always rocked an impressive K-rate as a reliever and, if he can maintain that and his walks, he could be a huge surprise in the rotation.  Am I a fan of Arlington for pitchers in the summer?  Nope, but let’s get there first, shall we?  Wilson could give you a K/IP and a solid just under-4 ERA.  I’m buying!  Oh, and welcome to all the Googlers of “I’m buying” + “mail order bride.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Taylor Teagarden – 0-for-4, but enough about the negatives.  Saltymochachino is out for at least 15 days with back stiffness and it’s not like Salty was doing anything anyway.  Ron Washington said Salty was only the starting catcher because “his name goes to eleven.”

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 3 ER as he blew the save.  As a commenter said yesterday, Frank-Frank fail-fail.

Julio Borbon – 0-for-the-season.  Will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Your breath is bated.

Ian Kinsler – Was given another cortisone shot in his ankle.  Now his ankle really won’t have any wrinkles!  Wait, what?  Yeah, I’m not a doctor, but this will delay Kinsler return a few more days.  I’m guessing it’ll be at least two more weeks.

Aaron Hill – Sat out due to hamstring tightness.  He only missed 4 games last year.  His numbers last year had a lot to do with him accumulating many² at-bats.  It’s a situation that bears watching, Timothy Treadwell.

Travis Snider – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  With the way he’s going, he’ll be in the minors within two weeks.

Ronnie Belliard – 3-for-5 with a Double, Triple and Homer as he hit for The Hungry Man Cycle.

Chad Billingsley – 5 1/3 IP, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If I wanted to emphasize the baserunners, I would’ve listed them last.  Instead, I chose to put the strikeouts last.  I’m a big fan of Bills.  A Billiever, if you will.  However, this was an ugly start.

Paul Maholm – 6 IP, 4 ER.  For those who think they’re outsmarting everyone by finding value on the Pirates staff, this start was against the Dodgers B lineup.

Hayden Penn – Why is the girl from Heroes pitching for the Pirates?

Orlando Hudson – Left the game with what appeared to be a neck injury.  Could mean Nick Punto at 2nd on Friday.  Shandler must be happy.

Jim Thome – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  Started at DH for the 2nd straight game.  Yeah, that’s not good for Delmon Young’s playing time.

Kevin Slowey – My almost preseason Cy Young pick threw five and a third and allowed only one run.  Have much love for Slowey this year.

Carlos Beltran – Set to begin a running program.  A source told ESPN, “He’s a professional.  His body will dictate what to do.  He’s progressing great.”  Here’s what I hear, “Trite statement.  Statement that can be misconstrued to mean more than it does.  Lie.”  Then Beltran said, “Right now I don’t want to talk about when I’m going to come back if I haven’t run yet.  When I run, then that can give me an idea of where I am. Right now it’s hard for me to say.”  Here’s what I hear, “I’m not lying for the Mets.  They can suck it.”

Luis Castillo – Will sit Friday with a calf injury.  Whatever, Reyes returns Saturday!

Jeff Niemann – Was hit by a line drive in the arm, not the knee, man.  Should make his next start as he’s listed as Day-to-Day.  Where is this master Day-to-Day list?  Is there some guy in Barbados sipping coladas keeping this list?  I’d like to know.

Jon Niese – 6 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks as he battled Nate Robertson (5 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks).  Reminded me of the epic battles between Nies and Heather B.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 8 baserunners, 1 K as sabermetricians shake their fist at his BABIP.

Marlon Byrd – Another homer yesterday.  All he does is hit homers!  No, really, his only two hits this year are homers.

Tyler Colvin – HR yesterday.  He’s an older rookie prospect who never played Triple-A.  He’s pretty deep on the depth charts and profiles as a 4th outfielder.  Has some pop in his bat, but no starting job unless The Mummy asks for his knees back from Soriano.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper left with a boo-boo.  Boo boo, indeed.  He’ll be out for 2-3 days with a strained oblique.  Chipper definitely keeps strained obliques in business.

Don Kelly – Started at 3B for Detroit today.  For some reason, he makes me think of Adam Dunn, Mark Reynolds, and Ian Stewart.  Then again, sometimes I have a hard time seeing L’s.

Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Another sober day in the office for Miggy, but what’s interesting is how he’s tried to steal twice already.  If he can somehow swipe 10 bags (it’s a stretch), he could be the most valuable fantasy hitter this year.

Billy Butler -1-for-2 with his third Warning Track Fly of the year.  Could lead the league in WTF’s.

Daric Barton – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Barton reminds me of Gaby Sanchez.  It’s neither a compliment nor an insult.

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday.  Take that, Achilles!  Pee-ay is out with an injury and Reimold’s making the most of his time.  If the Orioles come to their senses, Reimold really should be the starter.  If he is, all bets are off.  Or maybe that’s on.  Either way, he should be owned.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 BBs.  This kinda blew my mind.  When I was doing the Buy/Sell that’s coming later today, I was looking at the percentage owned at the major sites.  Matusz is owned in 98% of ESPN leagues.  I think Matusz is talented, so don’t take this wrong way, but he will roofie you.  98% seems way too confident and tells me people could be overrating him for this year.  But the mind blowing part is coming in the next blurb, follow me…

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 6 baserunners, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Here’s what I said in my rankings, “He induces groundballs and gets strikeouts, that’s not a combo that should be scoffed at.  Even if the only people that scoff at something are in Merchant-Ivory films.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Oh, and Masterson’s owned in 2% of ESPN leagues.  That’s two.  Wha…?

Kerry Wood – Will throw from 110 feet on Friday.  So he’s now pitching from 2nd base?  Oh-kay.  Still not returning until the end of May.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Put a straitjacket on a pitcher and throw him in a milk can and Dave Duncan will get him out.  Don’t try and figure it out, just know that Penny can now be a reliable 4th fantasy starter.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Maybe he won’t wait until the 2nd half this year to be good, but I’m not risking it.  Also, Arroyo was hit by a comebacker and might miss his next start.  Too bad, so sad.

Mike Sweeney – 1-for-4, 1 RBI.  Dave Eggers’ favorite hitter got his first start as Seattle’s DH.  He’s only DH-eligible in most leagues now and probably won’t have 1B-eligibility until end of May at the earliest.  So unless you’re in a 14-team AL-only league, he’s not going to give you any value.

Doug Fister – 4 IP, 2 ER.  Has there ever been a pitcher/catcher combo that warranted the ‘battery’ name more than today’s Mariner tandem of Fister-Moore?

Ichiro Suzuki/Franklin Gutierrez/Milton Bradley – It’s like having two Gold Glove outfielders and one Golden Glove outfielder.

While the merits of what someone is hitting or not hitting in Spring Training can be debated, where they are hitting or not hitting is important to look at.  First, I want you to refresh your pretty little brain with the impact of lineup position on Runs and RBIs.  Welcome back!  Anyway, here’s some players whose value dips or shoots up (easy, Hamilton) due to 2010 lineup position:

Alexei Ramirez – He tends to start the season slow and he’s slated to bat ninth.  That’s a recipe for yawnstipation.

Ben Zobrist - Here’s what I said about Zobrist in the 2010 fantasy baseball rankings, “Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Well, I could be wrong.  Zobrist will be hitting third for the Rays.  The doubts I had about Zobrist coming into this season are a bit assuaged by this lineup position.  I still don’t think Zobrist hitting third will last the whole year, but who goes from hitting third at the start of the year to the bench?  Oh, wait…

Casey Kotchman – Should hit third against righties.  Look at Casey making a play for fantasy value!  Unfortunately, he probably won’t play against lefties with Garko stealing ABs.  If you can somehow work a platoon of Kotchman into your fantasy lineup (I’m thinking mostly AL-Only leagues), Casey could be a steal.  Damn, every time I say I’m done with a player, they pull me back in.  So who’s hitting third vs. lefties? Glad you asked, random italicized voice.

Franklin Gutierrez – Will hit third vs. lefties.  Though The Big FraGu is slotted into the 7 hole vs. righties, hitting in front of the catcher and Jack Wilson.  On the bright side, this is contingent on the health of Bradley and Griffey Jr., who’s now older than Griffey Sr. from when you remember him.

Jose Bautista – Hitting leadoff.  That could also be the answer to, “Where did all of Aaron Hill’s RBIs go?”

Travis Snider – Currently stuck between John Buck and Alex Gonzalez.  That’s like the middle seat between Afa and Sika.

Gaby Sanchez – This could change, but right now he looks like he’s stuck in the eight hole.  Luckily, no one’s actually drafted him anywhere, except for me.  Yay me.

Shane Victorino – This move has been covered by me numerous times before, but, yeah, he’s in the 7 hole and Crapolanco is appropriately enough in the two hole.

Ian Desmond – Batting 2nd.  “Mr. Desmond, roses just arrived from you.”  “Who are they from?”  “Grey from Razzball.”  “Put them in the pile with the chocolates he sent yesterday.”

Marlon Byrd – The five hole.  He’s going to prove to be so borderline mixed league worthy, I have a feeling there will be at least 1700 comments this year asking me if they should drop (Insert Schmohawk) and pick up Byrd.

Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab’s in the two hole.  He’ll probably be more valuable than most middle infielders that are owned more than him, but what freakin’ fun is it owning Orlando Cabrera?

Jay Bruce – Until Rolen gets injured, Bruce is in the 6 hole.  Bruce could be this year’s Kemp in regards to a losing value from lineup position.

Julio Borbon – Will be hitting on top of a very potent lineup.  Borbon will have to really struggle to not have a huge year.

Elvis Andrus – He has not left the building, but he has parked in the nine hole.

Albert Callaspo – Hitting third.  For all of you crazy excited about Butler this year.  He’s hitting in this lineup:  DeJesus, Podsednik, Callaspo, Butler, Ankiel, Guillen, Betancourt, Kendall and Getz.  There’s about eight names there that wouldn’t make the starting lineup for any other team.  Fun times!

Magglio Ordonez – I really don’t think he’s ownable anywhere, but he’s set to bat third.  I could probably knock in 90 and score 90 in the three hole of a major league lineup.

Scott Sizemore – Will be allowed to ferment in the 8 hole as he proves his mettle for a month or two.  I have a feeling that I might be jumping off the Scott Sizemore bandwagon sooner vs. later.  We shall see.

Erick Aybar – Leading off for the Angels. Will get Runs, some steals and average, poor homers and RBIs.  His stats are like looking at Yunel’s in the mirror.  I will call you, lenuY.

Garrett Jones – Will bat third.  If you can have a fantasy lineup of mostly three hole hitters, you’re at least pointing in the right direction.

Colby Rasmus – Batting in front of Pujols.  A 2001 Bonds would get pitches to hit in front of Pujols.

Carlos Gonzalez and Dexter Fowler – Top of the Rockies order.  That’s rated 3 M for Mmm…

Everth Cabrera – At some point, I hope the Padres make the right decision and put EverCab at the top of the order, but I don’t think it’s happening out of the gate.

Pablo Sandoval – Hitting third behind Rowand and Renteria, which sounds like a VD clinic.

Nick Johnson – Hitting 2nd for the Yankees.  Johnson has a .400+ career OBP.  Last I checked the Yankees scored a lot of runs.  Anyone want any action on the over/under for the amount of times Johnson’s on second and gets held at 3rd on a single?  65? 70?

Nolan Reimold – I’m not even sure he’s in the lineup.  Trembley’s talking about starting Pie.  How dare you judge, Reimold!  Doode, your team’s going nowhere fast — play Reimold!  Sorry, this has nothing to do with this post.  But I thought some of you might not have heard and I didn’t want to do a whole post on this, though I did have the title, Effin’ Pie.

Alcides Escobar – Batting at the bottom of the lineup for right now, but Weeks is one aggressive burp away from the DL.