Fantasy Baseball Advice

Though I do believe there should be a one Mariner maximum when it comes to fantasy baseball bloggers and I’ve already filled that need with my Olivo post, it’s hard to ignore what Kyle Seager has done over the last couple of weeks.  Blame Mike Carp for using fugu as a shoulder wrap for this article if you’re angry.  The ESPN crowd is slowly coming around to him at a 5.5% ownership clip but for the most part they just haven’t found the need for a Mariners hitter on their roster that isn’t posing for a last supper painting.  Yahoo owners do have him already with an 18% clip, but that’s mainly for his shortstop eligibility where as long as you have a pulse and you’re not Alex Gonzalez, you’re probably on someone’s team.  Actually, if there were a zombie Phil Rizzuto (Spelled ‘Rirruto’ in cursive for Billy Madison fans), they’d probably pick him up too.  In Fleaflicker leagues, he’s at 9% owned.  All that said, let’s take a look at why I’m eager for Seager in AL-only and deeper leagues.

First off, he’s hitting…I don’t think that needs much more of an introduction.  Production is production, folks, and you take it where you can get it.  Over 40 at-bats, Seager has hit .300 with 1 slam and 1 leg (slam and leg sold separately).  What that equates to if you dig math is about a 10/10 clip given 450 at-bats.  Though the average won’t stick and will probably slip down to the .260 or .270 area, that line is in line (say that 5 times fast) with what is reasonable to expect.  The only issue we may have with Seager is the bane of every Mariner’s fan: Chone Figgins.  The giant albatross around the M’s neck (Get it?  Mariners?  Albatross?  Samuel Taylor Coleridge?  Oh sure you got Rirruto but not that one.  I weep for the youth of this once great nation) since he signed a hurkin – technical term for ‘large’ – contract in 2010.  If and when Carp and/or Franklin Gutierrez come back, Seattle is going to have a tough call on their hands.  Do they keep allowing Chone to get Figgy with it in the hopes of a contender trading for him or do they do the right thing and let Seager stick at 3rd?  Well, we all know how large contracts go; most likely Seager goes back to a utility role once the dust has settled.  However, when you have a chance to ride a luckdragon you don’t turn it down, do you Bastian?  There’s still a chance he gets to stay around and be productive.  Since he has played SS in the past, there could be room for him to spell Brendan Ryan or possibly take over if he keeps raking.  The Mariners need to string together more singles to score runs than match.com has to offer so it is a plausible reality we see Seager quite a bit even after Figgins gets his 3rd base gig back.  With any luck, Falkor comes by and saves us from these swamps of sadness and Figgins is playing for *insert contending team here* soon.  Yeah, I really liked the Neverending Story.

Logan Morrison was optioned to Triple-A New Orleans.  Easy to say he was demoted because of his struggles since the All-Star break, but what fun would that be?  He just started to hit again — 4 for his last 11 with a homer and steal.  As Fredi Gonzalez and Dan Uggla before him, Logan’s run out of town by the Han-Man.  Easily having his worst season, it’s pretty incredible the nerve Hanley has putting his full 5-hour energy drink towards getting rid of Morrison.  Billy the Marlin would like to demonstrate the size of Hanley’s cojones.  I imagine Logan won’t be down in New Orleans longer than a couple of weeks so don’t do anything rash in deep keeper leagues.  Hopefully Morrison doesn’t take a bath in that French-influenced city.    Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Wilson – Out with a back pain.  A back issue sent him to the DL in April, so if this a recurrence it could be trouble with a capital beard.  Romo would be the first option out of the bullpen but he has a tender elbow — I always prefer al dente.  Next up, Affeldt, who’s voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, but he’s a lefty so the Giants might just go with matchups as they did yesterday turning to Ramon Ramirez aka Ram-Ram.

Brandon Belt – 2-for-4 with two homers as he returned from the minors.  Now he’ll be A) Sent down again. B) Played regularly. C) There’s no C.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA now sits at 2.47.  This comes after his last start when he was hit hard by the pennant-contending Pirates, who are now 13 games out of 1st.

Doug Fister – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks.  A Twisted Fister got rocked.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Sparkakis!   I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this was his best game in three years.

Kevin Gregg – 0 IP, 4 ER.  Kazaam!

Eric Thames – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last three games against Ervin and Haren.  Worth giving Thames a look if you’re power starved.  Or parved, if you’re into portmanteaus or flattened bread.

Jose Reyes – No timetable for his return, i.e., no ticky; no tocky.  The only reason for Reyes to play is to prove to the free agent market that he’s healthy, which is a pretty sizable reason so I imagine he’ll try to get out there for September.  Or Boras might put on Dan Aykroyd’s Jamaican costume from Trading Places to play in Reyes’s place.

Freddy Garcia - Scratched from his start after he cut his finger during a kitchen accident.  He said he was making his Choochie lunch and the recipe called for fingerling potatoes.

Edwin Jackson – Left yesterday’s start with a hamstring injury.  No word yet how long he’ll be out.  We’ll wait to see if we get an up or down on the Jackson pollex.

Johnny Giavotella – 1-for-4 with his third steal in the last three games.  If you need steals, I’d take him into the smush room.

Dan Uggla – Had his hitting streak snapped.  Was this the longest hitting streak ever for someone who started their streak with a sub-.200 average?  Where’s Tim Kurkjian’s crack team of voice-cracking interns when you need them?

Tommy Hanson – To the DL with what the Braves are calling “We should’ve listened to Grey last week when he said to place Hanson on the DL.”  Hanson will probably return at the beginning of September and have another three weeks of starts in his arm, just in time to break down in the H2H playoffs.

Carlos Guillen – To the DL with a wrist injury.  His wrist said, “Oblique, hip, back, hamstring, tonsils… They’ve all taken turns DL’ing us.  It was my turn.”

Jason Marquis – Out for the year with a fractured fibula.  No lie.

David Hernandez – Got the save yesterday because of an overworked Putz.  Hehe.

Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-3, hitting near .450 over the last week.  Not sure how long he’ll last on my team, but I just grabbed The Big FraGu in one league.

Jesus Guzman – Out for last two days with an injured elbow.  He should be proud that even a minor injury would warrant (RIP) a mention.

Cameron Maybin – 1-for-4 with his 31st steal.  Here’s a sneak peek of next year’s February Grey, “Maybin went 10/40, which is better than dozens of outfielders that were taken before him, and the year before Andres Torres and Angel Pagan were similarly valuable only to flame out in 2011.  So don’t throw out the outfielder with the bath water, but keep your expectations in check.”  And that’s me foreseeing me!

Dontrelle Willis – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  Left the game with pain in his forearm.  Seems a lot more like a pain in the neck.

Jay Bruce – Hit his fifth homer in the last week.  Pray to your deity of choice that Bruce stays hot from now until the end of September.

Brandon Allen – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a RBI after being recalled on Saturday.  Not sure why he wouldn’t play every day, but I don’t think he will.  Instead, he’ll probably share time with CoJack which will hurt both of their values in AL-Only leagues.  Though I guess it could be said they were hurting their own values with this shizzy hitting.

Carlos Zambrano – Threw at Chipper on Friday, which got him ejected, then he went into the locker room and retired from baseball.  Not sure how this hasn’t happened yet, but Big Z needs to be in the WWE.  He can go by the name, The Big Loco.  His finishing move can be The Locomotion.  His ringside manager Ozzie Guillen distracts the ref and The Big Loco pulls a baseball out of his tights, yells out “Choo-choo… Locomotion!” and skulls his opponents’ head.  After he gets the three count, The Big Loco stands up to jeers and flashes his green tongue.  The only thing that can stop him is when an opponent brings a Gatorade cooler ringside which totally distracts The Big Loco, throwing him off his game.  Or if the opponent shows up ringside with Michael Barrett.  Please, WWE, make this happen.  On a side sidenote, you know how when a female is in the news for all the wrong reasons, she’ll then get a call from Hustler to pose nude?  I imagine it’s like that for men and the WWE.  So, if you ever get a call from the WWE or Hustler, I don’t know what you did but it’s ridiculous and not in a good way.

They tore down the Lebron ‘Witness’ billboards in Cleveland.  If only they waited a year, they could’ve changed them to Kipnis.  And pasted it in Kipnis’s face.  And, um, covered up Lebron’s body, replaced the basketball with a baseball….okay, scratch all that.  Who’s to even say this Kipnis kid is great enough for a billboard and a one-way ticket to Miami in 2019?  Let’s see what we know about Jason Kipnis.  In Triple-A this year, he had 12 homers, 12 steals in 89 games, a near .900 OPS and his last name sounds like something you’d find at the Passover Seder.  Almost every fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term!) loved Chisenhall more than Kipnis.  I did too.  So far in the majors, the Chisen in the Hall has 2 homers, hitting .235.  That’s big to the whoop.  I only point this out because Kipnis is no sure thing.  He’s young, i.e. raw, i.e. except after C.  The one advantage he has to Chisenhall is he has more speed.  Bats can get lost in the travel from Triple-A, but you ain’t losing your speed, assuming we’re not talking about mules.  Because Kipnis has good position eligibility, he’s worth a flyer across most mixed leagues that use a middle infidel for the upside.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Orlando Hudson – Ran into a fence and needed to be helped off the field.  Orlando Hudson was like vintage Michael Jackson.  Off the Wall!

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-4, 2 steals and batting third for the Friars.  Now has 7 steals in the last 6 games.  It’s like he’s driving a DeLorean with Ron LeFlore in the go-go 80′s when everyone was on coke.  None of this Red Bull crap!  At this point, you have to own Maybin across all leagues until he cools off.  Also, I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but he’s here now.  No more Maybin for you!

Will Venable – 2-for-5 with his 18th steal.  Now has a homer and 3 steals in the last three games.  As a commenter was kind enough to point out the other day, Venable is a beast in road games.

Kyle Blanks – Anthony Rizzo was sent back down and the pushing-three-hundred-pounds Blanks was recalled.  Now all three Padre fans can go to the park and be like, “Why is there a Nate Colbert statue on first base?  Oh, that’s Kyle Blanks!”  Randy Jones BBQ stand in right field better up their meat order.  That’s not a solar eclipse, that’s Kyle Blanks letting out his afro.  Hey, Orlando, Kyle Blanks doesn’t run into walls.  He runs through them.  Blanks, “Who likes Kool-Aid?”  Okay, I’m a big fan of Blanks.  If you need power, he’s about as good as they come.  He was averaging around one home run every fifth game in the minor leagues this year and can do close to the same in the majors, even in Petco.  His average may not sniff .250, so it’s an all or nothing proposition.  Kinda like the difference between being in front or behind him at a buffet.

Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the 1927 Padres.  Vazquez takes your trust and defecates on it.

Emilio Bonifacio – Has now hit in 20 straight games and has 19 steals.  That’s nothing.  His brother Charlie just snorted 5 lines and had sex with 2 hookers.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with pain in his wrist.  His fantasy owners should be pist.  That’s injury problems for an Orlando and two CarGo’s in two days.  I would not feel good about my luggage if I was on a Disney Cruise right now.  Sounds like Carlos Gonzalez is headed to the DL.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 with his 5th steal.  Job just became more secure with the recurrence of CarGo’s wrist issue.  Hopefully Dexter proves to be more than a serial average killer.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 6 ER for the conshellation prize, which was more than Jhoulys Chacin could say with his 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners (7 walks) and 4 Ks.  Now the 2nd straight poor start for both starters.  Hanson gets the somehow-in-first-even-though-they-don’t-have-a-1st-baseman Pirates next and Chacin gets the Dodgers in Maybe We Should Sell The Naming Rights To Dodgers Stadium, How Does Dreamworks Stadium Sound?  Two decent matchups, though Chacin faces Kershaw.

Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4 to up his average to .265.  Is .265 the new .320?  Adam Dunn and Dan Uggla raise their hand.  Anyone else?  I think there should be a new rule that anyone who doesn’t hit over .310, 50 HRs or steal 60 bases can’t have their first name on the back of their jersey.  I suppose, to Ich his own.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu stole two bases yesterday, but his average is .183.   After having stomach issues earlier in the year, he hasn’t been a regular on the field or on the pot.

Miguel Olivo – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I don’t want to belabor this for fear of an aneurysm, but Olivo never hits one home run and disappears.  He hits four home runs in twelve games then disappears.  I provide the information, what you do with it is your choice.

Jake Westbrook – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Westbrook had everything going against him.  He was an unemployed single parent that could barely take care of his kids.  Then he got a job at a law office and single-handedly brought down a California power company.  Wait, those aren’t my notes, that’s the back cover of the Erin Brockovich DVD.  Westbrook isn’t someone I’d pick up with your team.

Ricky Romero – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (or is it just actor nowadays?)) has been hit hard in his last few starts (13 ER in 16 2/3 IP), but with the Ks he keeps doing it and doing it and doing it well.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Has that weird Dempster thing going for him.  Mediocre reliever reinvents himself as a great starter.  Somebody make Kevin Gregg a starter!

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Season ERA is now 1.81.  According to Elias, only five pitchers in modern baseball have had a sub-2 ERA after 20 starts.  Elias also said, “Our batting average with women who like baseball and math is under the Mendoza line.”

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with a bad knee and a sports hernia.  That’s what happens when you try to do a hilarious ‘knee to the balls’ blooper all by yourself.

Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over.  This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there.  It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg.  Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time.  As Eli would say, oy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him.  I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns.  You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks.  I do still have much love for him.  Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, was called up and led off for the Braves.  With his poor slash line in the minors this year, the only thing Schafer should be leading off is Letterman shows.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and now has three straight games with a home run.  Dot, dot, dash.  That’s Morse code for pick him up right now.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and he pitchslapped Jason Marquis.  In Greinke’s last three games, he’s given up 5 ER, 4 ER and 3 ER.  I look forward to his start in early June when he throws a shutout.

Zach Braddock – Still out with a sleep disorder, but yesterday he missed a rehab start because of a cracked fingernail.  He said, “I’m not going to let a fingernail–”  Then fell asleep mid-sentence.

Matt Guerrier – Lost yesterday’s game; Jansen lost the previous Dodgers loss.  Guerra, MacDougal, Rubby…. Your time to suck is now!  Dodger bullpen?  More like Dodgy bullpen.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Would’ve been nice to see more Ks — because I like Ks, okay?! — but he’s lowered his ERA from 4.93 on May 4th to 4.41 in the (not Denard) span of four starts.   Next stop, 4.00!

Hong-Chih Kuo – Throwing at 90% intensity as he works his way back from an anxiety condition.  Somebody just needs to ask him, “You happy with your status, Kuo?”

Juan Nicasio – Will get the Rockies Saturday start.  He was making it look easy in Double-A — 2.22 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, plus-10 K-rate.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  Unfortunately, Double-A players sleep in hammocks that smell like mildew and can’t hit like major leaguers.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, you’re asking to get roofied if you grab Nicasio.  Though, if he pitches well, I could see reevaluating.

Jed Lowrie – 0-for-5 while the Sawx scored 14 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 with his 4th home run in his last ten games while upping his batting average thirty-three points.  I don’t mind him, but Salty raises Rudy’s blood pressure.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, his 3rd home run and 2nd in three games.  On top of the homer, there were two doubles and some premature extrabasulation.  He’s batting .308 in May and the “Now Through Memorial Day” sale on Crawford ended early.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-4 and homers in back-to-back games.  Yesterday, someone asked if Hawpe’s recent hitting would keep Rizzo down.  The thing about Rizzo is the same with most rookies.  They fail — with or without a hashtag.  A rookie in Petco?  I would take a flyer, but I wouldn’t count on Rizzo saving your season.

Andruw Jones – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Someone just woke from a five-year coma and can’t stop talking about the Hall of Fame career Andruw Jones is having.

Russell Martin – Has 9 homers and 4 steals on the year.  Not bad considering there were two Yankee backstops drafted before him.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, the Blue Jays manager (which I always feel the need to clarify), said Frank² was their closer.  Then he said Dotel, Frasor and Rauch could all jump on the closerousel if a matchup proved favorable.  By which he means, if they don’t want to blow the save, they’ll look elsewhere.

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  So, here’s a day in the life of Grey Albright:  Yesterday, I was backing up my SUV in a gas station and I ran into an old man walking behind my car.  Not on purpose!  I love old people.  They have good stories and carry hard candies.  But, from my rearview mirror, it looked like I decapitated him.  Quickly, I jump out of my car — after momentarily considering driving straight to Mexico and selling blankets and chiclets for the rest of my life.  Turned out I didn’t behead him, I knocked his toupee off.  I bring this up now because if the old man were Erik Bedard, he wouldn’t have walked away from the accident.  I.e., he’s injury prone.  Enjoy Bedard while you can, he’s not staying healthy.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3 as The Big FraGu went deep for the first time this season.  To be clear, I like The Big FraGu’s nickname better than him.

Neftali Feliz – He got the save yesterday and his season ERA is 1.13.  Still, something is not right.  He has a 1.50 WHIP and 14 walks vs. 8 Ks.  This isn’t the same guy who has a career K-rate better than 9.  I’d say he’s hiding an injury, but his velocity has been fine.  It might be a mechanics thing.  I don’t know, I’m not Tom Emanski.  BTW, who’s the backup to grab in Texas?  Blech, no one really.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, there should be a Razzball glossary term for when your closer is doing poorly (Joakim Soria, anyone?), but the rest of the bullpen is so bad you just ignore it.  Make suggestions in the comments.  Thank you.

Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K.  Seven innings and seven runs?  Looks like he was a victim of manager’s indifference.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors.  Sorry if I told you to bench him yesterday.  Mea culpa, my Latin friends.  I avoided a sonavabenching because Rudy snuck Kennedy into our lineup.  His ‘fro is obviously just camo-ing his giant brain.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On May 13th, I told you Ervin was about to be magic.  Since then, his ERA is 2.05.  Cust kayin’.

Wilson Valdez – Started at 2nd base for Utley then pitched the 19th inning to earn the win.  Geez, everyone’s breathing down Ryan Madson’s neck.  When the game ended at 2:45 AM, all fans remaining in attendance got to take home with them one homeless person.

Don Kelly – LL Donkey has started the last two games in front of Brandon Inge.  Inge needs to turn to Big Mike for some guidance.

Kevin Slowey – Out with an abdominal strain.  Jim Hoey to replace Kevin Slowey.  Too bad they couldn’t replace Joe Mauer with Jack Bauer.  “Look, Liriano, we don’t have time!  I need you to throw me a fastball low and outside and I need you to throw it NOW!”

As I’ve been saying for the last month, Neftali Feliz will be the closer and he doesn’t have syphilis.  Now stop experimenting on him!  Feliz shoots all the way back up to the top of the Donkeycorns and can/should/verb be the top closer in the game by the end of the season.  This also means Matt Harrison will be a starter.  And to that I say, “I enjoyed your work on Falcon Crest.”  Matt Harrison shall be now known as the Lone Ranger, as in he’ll be the lone Ranger that no one drafts.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Tommy Hunter – Suffered a groin strain.  I know too well about those!  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  *blushes*  Maybe they’ll put Neftali back in the rotation.  I’m kidding!  They’ll probably use Dave Bush.  Um, yikes.

Matt Dominguez – Out as the Marlins 3rd baseman so that leaves…. Drum roll, please.  Wes Helms, Greg Dobbs and Emilio Bonifacio.  Drum roller, “I can’t believe I’m drum rolling this crap.  I once drum rolled Fonzie setting a world record by jumping over 14 garbage cans on a motorcycle!”  My best guesstimate for playing time will be Wes Helms gets 300 ABs, Emilio gets 150 and Dobbs gets gobs of sunflower seeds stuck in his teeth.  It’s not a pretty blahtoon and should be avoided at all costs.

Chase Utley – Will start the season on the DL.  I imagine he will start May on the DL.  And June.  And July.  And… Well, you get the picture.  I wouldn’t draft Utley this year.  Not worth the ulcer.

Scott Rolen – Big injury wheel keeps on turning…Rolen, Rolen, Rolen hurt his fingers.  Rolen almost managed to get out of spring training without an injury.  He had to leave yesterday’s game after getting hit on the hand as he was unable to grip the bat.  Still TBD if this is serious but it didn’t seem like it was DL-worthy.  If it is, Juan Francisco likely makes the team and gets most of the starts.  (Please let Juan Francisco start for the Reds for our LABR team.  Reds-a-roni!)

Kevin Correia – Will be the Pirates Opening Day starter.  Correia?  Who is running Pittsburgh — Kim Jong-il?

Freddy Garcia – Will be the Yankees fifth starter.  We’ll see what Freddy Garcia shows up:  This one or this one.

Joe Nathan – As I said in Tuesday’s Closer Look, he’s been awful.  Wouldn’t be surprised if his job gets *pinkie to mouth* Cappsized, at least in the first few weeks.  Actually, here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.

Lorenzo Cain – Melky Effin’ Cabrera is putting a hurt on Team Grey.  Looks like Cain is going to start the year in the minors.  And, even if he doesn’t, Melky’s locking up the center field job on the Royals.  Melky, I like your name, I do not like what you’re doing to Lorenzo Cain.  You’re on notice.

Cody Ross – The boo-boo on the moo-moo is going to have Ross shelved for 3 weeks.  Nate Schierholtz should see most of the time in right.  He’s pretty much waiver wire fodder in NL-Only leagues unless he’s hot.

Casey McGehee – Got hit by a pitch and was carted off the field.  X-rays showed he should be fine for the start of the season.  X-rays also found a misplaced remote control.

Justin Duchscherer – Orioles said he’d start the season on the DL.  Hate to be one for semantics, but I think they meant he’d spend the season on the DL.

Brent Morel – Will be the White Sox opening 3rd baseman, but he should be avoided in all leagues.  Though Morel does seem like a funghi!

Mike Minor – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Beachy will be the fifth starter.  Minor should change his name, aptronyms (Word of the day!) will get you every time.

Jair Jurrjens – Sticking with the newly established Braves starting rotation theme, Jar-Jar left yesterday’s game because of pain in his side.  Jar-Jar said, “Meesa tinks me side hurts me now.”  Braves are saying he’ll be fine for the start of the season.  Okay, but he’s injury prone and I think we see Minor and Beachy in the rotation before too long.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu is going to start the year on the DL because he has stomach issues stemming from a slow digestive tract.  His body treats all food like maraschino cherries and gum.  Food for Franklin Gutierrez is like last season for the Mariners.  Difficult to digest.