Because I can’t have anything nice. That is the answer to why David Price left the game injured. For those of you worried about me, I’m gonna be okay. I have the love of a good cougar. Too bad she can’t pitch for my goddamn fantasy team! Why do you laugh at me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “Because you traded Machado for him and no man’s love will come before myself or Machado.” “I didn’t know. Is this a new fantasy commandment? All I saw was David Price’s K-rate was down last April too and he went on to win the Cy Young?!” “Are you interrogating me? The man who molded Billy Butler’s moobs with my own two hands.” Sorry, have I not serviced you correctly? Would you like a reach around? Do you have to rain frogs down on my team? Hello? Oh, I guess I lost him, stupid iPhone. And I lost David Price too. So, Price left because of triceps tightness. Hopefully after a DL stint, he’ll be back to his old dbnsjicns Oops, will cross my fingers when I’m done with the post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Geez, Roy Oswalt has sure come a far way since the whole “I will only sign with one or two teams” stance as he signed with the Rockies. They’re not necessarily a bad team, but what pitcher wants to come out of semi-retirement to pitch in Colorado? It’s like Smokey the Bear coming out of semi-retirement to work at a cigar shop. “Smokey, we really appreciate the job you’re doing, but could you stop throwing buckets of water on our customers?” That’s Smokey’s boss at the cigar shop. Better yet, a pitcher coming out of semi-retirement to pitch for the Rockies is like I.M. Pei coming out of retirement to work at Home Depot. Roy Rockie Oswalt must’ve really got sick of driving his kids to school and needed something to do. Oswalt is going to assassinate his career ERA. Maybe Oswalt plans to drive his tractor to Colorado and haul dirt until Coors is at sea level. When your third best starter is a toss-up between Tyler Chatwood and Jeff Francis, you’re pretty much guaranteed a starting job, so Oswalt should be with the major league club shortly, but you shouldn’t care. I liked El Roy with the Astros, but it’s all rut-roh in Colorado. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carlos Ruiz set to return from his suspension next week for testing positive for the ADHD drug, Adderall. He had this to say, “I look forward to getting back on the field–Hey, you ever wax your legs? I don’t mean remove the hair, I mean step into one of those vats of wax they have at carnivals that people put their hands in. It’s really cool! I have a rainbow wax leg! Like I was saying, I foolishly took a drug that is meant for people with ADHD– You think the Fonz can pound the wall to make my iPhone turn on? I dropped it into the toilet. You know, I wish butterflies and cows had babies cause I like butter on my steak. Ruth’s Chris does it right! Adderall is a very serious drug, and it should not be abused– When’s The Voice on? Monday? Is it Monday yet? Now? Now? Now?” So, Ruiz was wrong for taking Adderall as he obviously isn’t afflicted with ADHD. Last year in 114 games, he hit 16 homers and .325 with 4 steals. As of right now, he’s owned in less than 5% of leagues. If you’re struggling at catcher, it’s worth taking a flyer on him now. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
According to Wikipedia, the Dozens is a game of spoken words between two contestants, common in African-American communities, where participants insult each other until one gives up. Yesterday, we got a fantasy baseball version. Felix Hernandez started in on Max Scherzer first, “Your name sounds like a character from a Michael Chabon novel!” Scherzer lobbed back, “You could throw a no-hitter and lose!” F-Her redoubled his efforts, “You need two sets of colored contacts!” Scherzer stepped back and threw, “You’re gonna be traded to the Orioles for Erik Bedard!” F-Her fired back, “Your first baseman is so fat his blood type is Ragu!” “Oh, yeah? Well, your center fielder is The Big FraGu!” F-Her threw 8 shutout innings with 12 Ks against one of the best offenses in the game; Scherzer gave up one run with 12 Ks against one of the worst. Both: Great. Winner: Last night, it was F-Her. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Baltimore Orioles’ top prospect Manny Machado showed us exactly why he’s their top prospect last night, putting on an impressive display of power in just his second major league game with two home runs and four RBIs. OMGDROPEVERYTHINGANDGOPICKHIMUP!!! Well, not exactly.Please, blog, may I have some more?
There are a number of possible free agent options this week for those scrounging for saves, so I’ll get right to it, starting with the San Francisco Giants. Bruce Bochy has announced that the Giants will go to a (gasp) closer by committee, meaning Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and even Javier Lopez could be in line for save chances.Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the trade deadline in the bag and closers moving, we have a lot to talk about. Some of it refreshing like a glass of ice cold lemonade on a summer’s day. Some of it less so like being asked to write something for Lainie Kazan, wondering who Lainie Kazan is and Googling her to find Playboy pics from the 1970′s juxtaposed with her present-day pics.Please, blog, may I have some more?
After acquiring Francisco Cordero in a 10 player trade with the Blue Jays, the Astros shipped out Brett Myers and his $10 million vesting option in 2013 to the White Sox, leaving the Astros’ closer role up in the air. On the one hand, Houston had Wilton Lopez and his 59.8% groundball and 6.00 K/BB rates.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Los Angeles is a town where the only thing better than a great idea is cashing in on the goodwill of that great idea via sequels. So it is no surprise that the Dodgers released a sequel to their 2009 hit, Malcontent Ramirez.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just when you thought the hype for Ichiro Suzuki couldn’t get more unwarranted along comes a trade to the Yankees. There’s a short porch! There’s a jet stream! There’s more media scrutiny which will have him more focused! Iron Chef Morimoto will be preparing him pre-game meals!Please, blog, may I have some more?