Fantasy Baseball Advice

The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are just about in the bag, but first we look at the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball.  No, next we’re not going to do the Top 20 Guys Who Will Have The Most Balks.  Chillax.  The only people that seem to pay attention to middle relievers are those that play in a Holds league.  That’s wrong, I tell ya.  A great way to balance out your ratios is by carrying a few middle relievers on your staff.  (BTW, Ron Jeremy can carry three middle relievers on his staff.)  Say you had Francisco Liriano last year and he mistook your team’s ERA for his toilet, but you also had Jonny Venters.  With just Liriano, you had the 5.09 ERA dump to clean up.  With Venters and his brand new toilet brush, you had a 3.81 ERA.  If you also carried Tyler Clippard, you had a combined 3.24 ERA.  Not to mention, you had 5 vulture saves.  9 junky wins.  8 maids o’ milking.  7 Gary Matthews Jr.’s leaping.  Oh, and your WHIP went from Liriano’s 1.49 to 1.19 and had an additional 200 Ks.  Okay, school’s out, Alice Cooper.  Now, with that said — yes, I pulled out the “with that said” — this middle men post is for 5×5 leagues where you want to handcuff your closer to potentially snag some saves and get good ratios.  I projected Holds for these guys, but they are not the top 20 Holds guys.  They are the most valuable when you consider vulture saves, Ks and ratios.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Aroldis Chapman – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until Adams.  I call this tier, “They might not have the best ratios, but they have the best ratios with the most vulture saves.”  Aroldis is being stretched out to start, but I don’t see how that happens without an injury to one of their starters.  Then again, Dusty is managing the Reds so no pitcher is safe, which could be a tagline for the movie made about the Dusty Baker biography, “Pitchers Ain’t Sh*t But Hos And Tricks.”  2012 Projections:  7-2/3.00/1.26/90, 22 Holds, 5 saves

2. Javy Guerra – As Aroldis might be in the rotation (doubtful), Guerra could be the closer.  I’m going on the assumption that the Dodgers make the right move in regards to their bullpen, but I’m not sure who received “common sense” in the divorce proceedings.  2012 Projections:  2-3/3.50/1.25/55, 20 Holds, 12 saves

3. Jon Rauch – I have him down for ten saves because he has closing experience (though none of it terrific) and Frank Francisco is just passable.  Honestly, a lot of guys below him are more valuable than him.  That’s not a tall crack either.  2012 Projections:  4-5/3.55/1.30/40, 20 Holds, 10 saves

4. Tyler Clippard – Nats have a solid staff, one of the best set-up men in baseball and a good offense.  In twelve-after-twenty, the Nats lost their innocence and their suckitude.  Now all praise to Jim Bowden for not being there anymore!  2012 Projections:  5-3/2.65/1.15/90, 20 Holds, 5 saves

5. Mark Melancon – Okay, besides Venters and Clippard this entire tier could be below the next tier if you’re not looking for saves.  For ungstance (which is how I say instance), David Robertson is soooooooooo (yeah, 10 oh’s) much better than Melancon if you just want ratio help.  Robertson probably won’t sniff a save though, unless Mo farts and explodes his colon and Soriano is a casualty.  2012 Projections:  6-2/3.25/1.25/65, 22 Holds, 5 saves

6. Jonny Venters – My projections for Venters might be on the low side.  He was fantabulous last year.  He also pitched in every game and then threw on the side five times a game then was taken to a carnival by Fredi Gonzalez to throw at the speed gun stand to try and win him a SpongeBob.  2012 Projections:  7-2/2.75/1.15/70, 24 Holds, 3 saves

7. Francisco Rodriguez – He’s getting paid something like $18 million to set up one of the best closers in the game, so he might just take a siesta for the better part of the season.  Or maybe the Polish Kielbasa from the sausage race will kidnap him to free up some salary money.  2012 Projections:  6-4/2.75/1.26/80, 18 Holds, 3 saves

8. Mike Adams – I thought hard about moving Adams up because of my distrust of Nathan’s stuff, not just his lips and ass.  The problem is the Rangers are stacked with potential Nathan replacements.  Good for them, not so good on speculating for vulture saves.  2012 Projections:  5-1/2.70/1.05/70, 24 Holds, 3 saves

9. David Robertson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “Best Holds guys coupled with maybe a chance for some saves, though that’s less likely.”  Wow, Robertson’s numbers were insane last year.  A 13.50 K/9 and a 1.08 ERA.  Seriously, I looked at two different sites because I didn’t believe them at first.  His walks are such a mess that if he loses a K or two off his K/9, then the walks might catch up to him.  Know what happens when walks increase?  Runs.  It’s yours, Highlights!  2012 Projections:  3-1/2.70/1.22/90, 30 Holds

10. Sergio Romo – Another guy who had insane K numbers, only Romo’s weren’t coupled with any walks.  Like, none.  His season seemed like it was above his head, so I imagine his stats will come down a little.  Also, I will never use the word coupled again.  Sorry about that.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.45/0.95/60, 28 Holds

11. Greg Holland – Speaking of a lot of Ks, Funky Cold Me-Holy-Crap Greg Holland was great last year.  I think fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) are gonna want to own Greg Holland more this year than Derek Holland.  Or not!  The future is a fickle mistress that blackmails you with pictures of your balls.  2012 Projections:  3-2/2.60/1.06/70, 28 Holds

12. Sean Marshall – He worries me a bit, though his recent numbers tell me he’s nothing to worry about.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty uses him as a situational guy a lot more than he’s been doing recently, especially if Aroldis stays in the bullpen, which I think he does, and this is a long sentence, but still 40 words short of the world’s longest sentence; damn, that’s really long; I’m not even sure I can get there when I’m trying, which I’m not right now, otherwise I’d be disqualified from Guinness; I think; I’m not sure, actually.  2012 Projections:  4-2/3.00/1.15/70, 30 Holds

13. Joaquin Benoit – He has a good team for Holds, a closer in front of him that should keep him in the set-up role and a cool name.  Six of one, half dozen of another and sixteen more gives you 28 Holds.  2012 Projections:  6-2/3.00/1.04/60, 28 Holds

14. Vinnie Pestano – Vinnie invented swag, poppin’ bottles, making batters look like scabs.  Proof, I guess Vinnie got his swagger back, truth.  New watch alert; he throws.  Like the big ‘stache, Rollie; Vinnie got Ks like all of those.  Arm out the window through the city, he doesn’t throw slow.  Cock back, snap back, every hitter’s swing now has holes.  2012 Projections:  1-3/2.75/1.09/80, 25 Holds

15. Koji Uehara – There was talk of him moving to a new club.  Again.  I’m sure wherever he ends up he’ll get his Ks, Holds and Korean-fusion tacos.  2012 Projections:  2-2/2.85/1.00/70, 22 Holds

16. Antonio Bastardo – When Ryan Madson left Philly, he told Charlie Manuel you won’t have this bastard to kick around anymore.  Then him and Antonio had words.  Bastardo was almost ranked much higher, but I settled here because Papelbon should be fine and Antonio walks a crapton.  2012 Projections:  5-3/3.25/1.20/70, 25 Holds

17. Eric O’Flaherty – Top o’ the morning to you!  O’Flaherty had a huge number of Holds last year, but I think Fredi Gonzalez is the new Torre, chewing up and spitting out middle men.  The Braves should bring in Scott Proctor to be their pitching coach.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.50/1.15/65, 25 Holds

18. Jose Veras – His walks are slightly egregious, but they used to be wholly egregious so we’re moving in the right direction.  He is Charlie Sheen in Major League sans the interesting haircut and hookers in the honeywagon, a name Sheen took quite literally.  2012 Projections:  1-3/3.75/1.28/80, 20 Holds

19. Michael Dunn – Another guy who’s trying to do his best Wild Thing impersonation.  Stay away if you’re trying for ratio help.  More of a Ks, Holds possibility.  2012 Projections:  3-1/3.70/1.32/75, 20 Holds

20. Joel Zumaya – There’s some guys that should be above Zumaya — Chris Resop, Grant Balfour, Ernesto Frieri, Jeff Samardzija, to name a few.  I’m more putting Zumaya’s name here to give people a head’s up that he’s coming back and he’s in a place where the closer had Twins fans thinking they were clever every time they’d say, “Oh, Crapps.”  2012 Projections:  Probably nothing, but it’s a deep league flyer.

On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning!  Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation.  You were a melancholy soul.  But now you’re happy — yay.  It’s still Monday funday!  There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures.  Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures.  Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved.  A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
4. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
5. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla)
8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn)
10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija)
11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland)
12. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
13. Ryan Madson (Sean Marshall, Nick Masset)
14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey)
15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez)
16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks)
18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero)
19. Jordan Walden (Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins)
20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers)
23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed)
24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo)
26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins)
29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine)
30. Juan Abreu (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)

And just like with the Wayan Brothers, the Marlins like sequels.  This offseason is a sequel to 1997′s spending spree.  We’ll call this one, “Don’t Be A Miser In South Florida While Drinking Your Profits In The Hood.”  Mark Buehrle signed on with the Marlins for $58 million.  The Marlins are currently acting like they are under the ownership of Montgomery Brewster.  Jeffrey Loria is investing so much, Bernie Madoff probably wishes he was back in the game.  It’s like Loria is investing all the money that Wilpon lost.  Last year Buehrle had his 3rd straight year of a K-rate under 5.  He’s about as bleh as pitchers get.  Anyway, here’s some more moves from the Winter Meetings for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Huston Street – Traded to the Padres for a player to be named later.  I think the PTBNL in the Street deal will be an undocumented worker from a meat processing plant.  Gotta keep Dante Bichette’s Inferno Hot Dog stand stocked up.  No one wants a repeat of the hot dogs with drifter meat from the Larry Walker Ranch.  Assuming Street will be healthy, he’ll be more than suitable as a closer.   Assuming Street will be healthy is like assuming you could sleep with Jessica Alba if she knew your name.

Rafael Betancourt – Even before Street was traded, Betancourt was tabbed to be the Rockies closer.  Now it’s official.  Hopefully he can put all talk of him being a cuddle boy behind him.

Francisco Rodriguez – Chose the money and to set-up Axford.  Definitely shows that competitive spirit that they teach the youngsters on the T-Ball fields is alive and well.  Just not with K-Rod.  See, it shows it in the negation.

C.J. Wilson – It wasn’t a done deal as of bedtime (around midnight PST.  I trim my mustache from 10 to 11, then I lather my mustache from 11:00 to 11:15 then– well, that’s not important), but it sounds like Wilson is signing with the Halos.  My Christian friends tell me that’s the Angels.  Hallelujah!  So what does this mean for Wilson’s value?  I’m glad you asked, Clunky Set-Up Question.  Dempster originally confounded me about so-so relievers becoming starters, then Wilson turned my t-shirt that reads “I’m confounded” inside out and ripped off the tag.  If Wilson can do what he just did calling Arlington home, no reason he can’t do it in Bobby Grichville.  He dropped his walks from 4.10 per 9 to 2.98 and upped his Ks from 7.50 to 8.30.  Guys and three girl readers, that’s a recipe for success.  I could see him putting up a line of 14-8/3.45/1.21/190.

Hanley Ramirez – Was demanding more money to change positions.  What do you ask for here?  An extra $750,000 for each foot you have to move to the right?  They should tell Hanley that 3rd base is a shorter run to get to balls down the line.  Maybe that’ll convince him.

Lastings Milledge – Signed with the Tokyo Swallows.  I look forward to his upcoming rap single, “Grab Crotch, Spit and Swallows.”

Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season.  Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them.  The sadness!  The grief!  The inconsequence of it all!  Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related.  I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him.  Just look up.  Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.)  Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September.  Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap.  Huston Street got hurt — shocker!  Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive.  Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security.  He’s the Teflon Closer.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Craig Kimbrel (+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard)
5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
7. John Axford (+5) (Francisco Rodriguez)
8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez)
11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
13. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
16. Ryan Madson (+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo)
17. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright)
20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Jordan Walden (-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi)
23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson)
24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel)
26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch)
28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers)
29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn)
30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)

I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!”  Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.”  Then I was like, “What is “the haps?”  The happenings?  Then say that.  And ‘in Toto?’  Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’”  It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product.  Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes.  Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Heath Bell (+3) (Chad Qualls, Ernesto Frieri)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
4. Jose Valverde  (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
5. Brian Wilson (+1) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall)
7. Joel Hanrahan (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Craig Kimbrel (+3) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom)
11. Sergio Santos (+8) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
12. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
13. Leo Nunez (Edward Mujica, Mike Dunn)
14. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez)
15. Andrew Bailey (+3) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Drew Storen (-2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
19. Ryan Madson (+11) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 
20. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
21. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright)
22. Jordan Walden (+2) (Scott Downs, Fernando Rodney)
23. Fernando Salas (+3) (Jason Motte, Octavio Dotel)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

24. Neftali Feliz (-3) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara)
25. Chris Perez (-17) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
26. Kevin Gregg (-2) (Jim Johnson, Mike Gonzalez)
27. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
28. Javy Guerra (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier) 
29. Jason Isringhausen (-15) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Beato)
30. Jon Rauch (-1) (Frank Francisco, The Ghost of the Seagull that Dave Winfield Killed)