With the trade deadline in the bag and closers moving, we have a lot to talk about. Some of it refreshing like a glass of ice cold lemonade on a summer’s day. Some of it less so like being asked to write something for Lainie Kazan, wondering who Lainie Kazan is and Googling her to find Playboy pics from the 1970′s juxtaposed with her present-day pics.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Francisco Cordero
After acquiring Francisco Cordero in a 10 player trade with the Blue Jays, the Astros shipped out Brett Myers and his $10 million vesting option in 2013 to the White Sox, leaving the Astros’ closer role up in the air. On the one hand, Houston had Wilton Lopez and his 59.8% groundball and 6.00 K/BB rates.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Comatose Pirates Fan, I have a surprise for you. You may want to sit down. No, no. It’s a good surprise. The salad days of Willie Stargell are back! (Though even Pops would’ve agreed salad wasn’t on his menu.) I’m excited for the Pirates, they’ve been the Andy Dufresne of major league baseball for far too long.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Here’s one way baseball could take cues from fantasy baseball. Yesterday, the Marlins announced that they’d be going to a closer-by-committee, which puts Steve Cishek in line for saves. If they had a fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) running their club, things would’ve been different down in South Florida.
Please, blog, may I have some more?“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!” Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again. You remember it. When the birds chirped, it made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night. And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs. Why don’t I have him on every team?! I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer. Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!
Please, blog, may I have some more?Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them. Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks. Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess! I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before. I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.” Wha’ happened? Did someone poison the bullpen water? Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers? There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.” To recap this month in closing quickly: Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Can you get him for cheaper than he’s worth? Is panic mode setting in for his owner? Is he walking around muttering Effjols? When you look into the eyes of your opponent who owns Albert Pujols, what do you see? Do you see someone who is hiding tears, pretending they just came out of Subway and the godforsaken onion smell that you need to walk on the other side of the street to avoid has caused them to cry? Or do you see someone steeled in their resolve? If it’s the former and former is the first one, you pounce like a feral cat that you’re allergic to. A feral, I-used-to-be-tame-but-now-I’m-gonna-scratch-your-eyes-out-and-put-them-on-a-kebab-and-serve-them-with-tabouli cat! There’s no way Pujols just ups and leaves Fantasy Worthiness Land, unless the Angels accidentally signed Alburt Pujols, Albert’s evil, mustachioed brother who the Pujols family disowned 30 years ago and has been plotting his revenge ever since. (Albert) Pujols has 30 homers, 100 RBIs, 100 runs, .300 average for breakfast and then says he has room for dessert. Who has dessert with breakfast?! Albert Pujols does. You don’t trade that away for pennies on the dollar, but you do prey on the weak and buy that. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Tony Campana – Campana is so steals-crazy he’s like the jittery, smoking guy who asks you where the bathroom is in a bad part of town and you instinctively hold your backpocket to make sure he doesn’t rob your wallet. That’s Tony Campana.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Before going through the closer upheaval rigmarole, I thought it important to set some context on blown saves. From 2009-2011 (three seasons), of pitchers with at least 10 saves, 11 relievers blew 16 or more saves. Only three of those pitchers (Matt Capps, Carlos Marmol and Jim Johnson) are still closers.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna). That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Joakim Soria went from being a $12 Salad to a Donkeycorn to a Brain Freeze back to a Donkeycorn to off the list completely in 12 short months. And if this is the first post you’ve ever read at Razzball, I probably lost you by the eighth word. Later! In Soria’s wake is Broxton and Holland, who together can be called Hamsterdam. In other “Saves give me serious agita” news is Ryan Madson. He went from a donkeycorn to off the list. Donkeycorns are dropping like flies! Then there’s Drew Storen. He was touch ‘n go there for a day or two… Okay, for about a week or two, but it seems like he could be okay. Yet, he’s starting the year on the DL. Terrific. Since our last Closer Look, Beane told us Balfour got the closer job in Oakland and Chris Perez got the job back from Pestano, which has the Italian American Anti-Defamation League up in arms, but that’s the norm for them since they talk with their hands. Finally, Carlos Marmol had some nerve issues with his hand that many Razzball commenters opined was from too much internet porn surfing. Sounds like someone is empathizing. Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?
Please, blog, may I have some more?