On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball. This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning! Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation. You were a melancholy soul. But now you’re happy — yay. It’s still Monday funday! There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures. Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures. Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved. A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago). Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla) 8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito) 9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn) 10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija) 11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland) 12.Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek) 13. Ryan Madson(Sean Marshall, Nick Masset) 14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey) 15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez) 16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks) 18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero) 19. Jordan Walden(Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins) 20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers) 23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed) 24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo) 26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp) 27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom) 28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins) 29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine) 30. Juan Abreu(Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)
With the the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished our recap of the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings. Some will feel like it came too soon, others will think let’s get 2012 under way already! Whichever camp you fall in, don’t eat cherimoya seeds, they are poisonous. This is our final look back. This is still a look back. It is not how I’d rank them for 2012 aka next year. As with the other rankings, the final rankings come from ESPN’s Player Rater. I did this so I could objectively critique MY preseason rankings to THEIRS. Their rankings for closers weigh wins when I’d just want saves, but whatevs. At least it’s unbiased. Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
1. Craig Kimbrel – There’s a theme in the top 20 closers we need to address. Where I ranked them (or didn’t rank them at all) compared to where they ended up is all over the place. Now you can either think I’m a jerkoff or you can realize how unpredictable closers are. This is why you never pay for closers. The ones that you think will be fine end up disappointing (Soria) or flat-out sucking (Broxton). Then there’s the ones that just come out of nowhere. It all comes back to SAGNOF! In my defense, I told you to draft from a tier that included Putz, Axford, Kimbrel, Storen and Chris Perez. For Kimbrel, I said, “Want a closer that can go from “Who’s Craig Kimbrel?” to “I don’t know who Craig Kimbrel is but I’m glad I drafted him?” Then you’re in luck; Craig Kimbrel is just the guy to do it.” And that’s me quoting me! Preseason Rank #16, 2011 Projections: 3-3/2.95/1.18/80, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 4-3/2.10/1.04/127, 46 saves
2. Drew Storen – It’s pretty cool how many new names are at the top of the closer year-end list. I mean, not cool like it’ll help you get laid unless you’re actually one of these closers, but cool nevertheless. Storen bumped his K-rate up to 8.84 and lowered his walk rate from 3.58 to 2.39. Not a bad season for a guy who was never named the closer. Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections: 2-5/3.00/1.25/60, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 6-3/2.75/1.02/74, 43 saves
3. John Axford – Member when K-Rod was traded to the Brewers and you started crying because Axford was going to lose his closer job? Think of all those tissues you wasted. In the preseason, I said, “I almost put Axford in my top five overall but I would like to see him do it one more year. Correction: I want to see him do it another year on all of my fantasy teams. Go after him aggressively. Could be a huge fantasy year.” Can’t make this shizz up. Well, you can, but it would be pretty easy to double check. Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections: 3-1/3.00/1.22/80, 32 saves, Final Numbers: 2-2/1.95/1.14/86, 46 saves
4. Mariano Rivera – Yet another year that Mo did what Mo does and I said he wouldn’t do it. I also said to avoid Bailey and Street, so I wasn’t totally crummy from being crackers. One interesting thing to note on Mariano’s line is the 1-2 record on a team that won 97 games. Shows you how predictable wins are, i.e., they’re not. Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections: 5-4/3.10/1.00/50, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 1-2/1.91/0.90/60, 44 saves
5. J.J. Putz – This was one of the easier calls of the preseason. As long as Putz didn’t go down to injury (ouch), he was going to have a good year. On a side note, Putz has an orange curtain on his bottom lip. You expect Carrot Top to come out from his chin and do some prop comedy. Maybe it’s just me. Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections: 2-4/2.70/1.15/60, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 2-2/2.17/0.91/61, 45 saves
6. Jose Valverde – Do they still give out a Rolaids Relief Man of the Year? If they do, Valverde won it this year. If they don’t give out that award anymore, they should give out a Sunglasses and Advil, Last Year Was Mad Real award. That’s what Kanye and I would name it. Preseason Rank #8, 2011 Projections: 5-2/3.00/1.18/70, 35 saves, Final Numbers: 2-4/2.24/1.19/69, 49 saves
7. Joel Hanrahan – I can tell people to draft closers from lousy teams, but I don’t know if anyone really listens that isn’t already prone to do it anyway. Hey, choir, hear me preach. Hanrahananananan was actually a bit disappointing with his Ks and was a tad lucky with his ERA and, in turn, his WHIP, but he still did more than you could’ve wanted, so you’re welcome. Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections: 2-4/3.95/1.25/80, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 1-4/1.83/1.05/61, 40 saves
8. Francisco Cordero – I could be yelling fire before the match is even lit here, but I feel like Cordero is becoming a wickmen though not quite a FEMA. Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections: 4-5/3.50/1.35/60, 40 saves, Final Numbers: 5-3/2.45/1.02/42, 37 saves
9. Heath Bell – Modifying clause, Bell has been the safest closer that has given you the most stress over the past two years. He’s not getting traded… Yes, he is!… No, he’s not!… Is too!… Is not!… I stole the cookie from the cookie jar! Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections: 3-4/2.90/1.18/85, 40 saves, Final Numbers: 3-4/2.44/1.15/51, 43 saves
10. Jonathan Papelbon – I owned Papelbon on a few teams last year so it wasn’t like I wasn’t aware of the huge WHIP and Ks season he was having. Yet, I didn’t realize he had so few saves. Only 31 saves? I know there’s no accounting for saves, but how is that even possible for a 90 win team? Without having my crack team of 100 monkeys look it up (so going off the top of my head), I have to think that’s the lowest save total for a 90 win team for a closer who had the job for the whole year. Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections: 5-3/2.75/1.18/75, 38 saves, Final Numbers: 4-1/2.94/0.93/87, 31 saves
11. Fernando Salas – Not only did he put together a fantastic season, but he also dealt with a dozen closer role changes depending on which way La Russa’s feathered hair blew. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-6/2.28/0.95/75, 24 saves
12. Ryan Madson – This from the Phils GM for 2012, “I don’t feel comfortable with the guys we have internally,” Amaro said. “If Ryan does not sign, we might have to go outside the organization. There are some people in our system who think [Justin] DeFratus or [Phillippe] Aumont can [close]; I am not convinced of that yet.” Since the Phils also said Madson can’t close to start the 2011 season, I guess Aumont or DeFratus will close in 2012. Preseason Rank #7 for Middle Relievers, 2011 Projections: 3-3/3.25/1.28/60, 18 Holds, 7 Saves, Final Numbers: 4-2/2.37/1.15/62, 32 saves
13. Kyle Farnsworth – Hmm… Only 25 saves? Maybe I do need my crack team of 100 monkeys to look up the lowest save total for a closer on a 90 win team. Then again, Farnsworth had some injuries this year and ceded to Peralta for a stretch. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-1/2.18/0.99/51, 25 saves
14. Brandon League – Someone should see if there’s a mathematical formula for the likelihood of saves for a losing team vs. a winning team. If someone hasn’t done this already. My monkeys have their hands full. Masturbating. Hey, it’s the offseason. Cut them some slack. Preseason Rank #5 for Middle Relievers, 2011 Projections: 4-4/4.25/1.28/60, 10 Holds, 12 Saves, Final Numbers: 1-5/2.79/1.08/45, 37 saves
15. Sergio Santos – Had a terrible September (9 ER in 8 2/3 IP), wasn’t the closer for stretches of the season (or was but wasn’t official) and had to deal with Ozzie. Still, his K-rate — I’m putting my fingers together at my mouth and blowing air kisses — muah, muah! Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 4-5/3.55/1.11/92, 30 saves
16. Jordan Walden – Well, he was no Fernando Rodney. Thankfully. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-5/2.98/1.24/67, 32 saves
17. Mike Adams – I contemplated leaving the Holds guys off this list and just going a little deeper on the closers. Then I contemplated changing the title to the top 20 relievers. Then I decided to do nothing and just tell you I contemplated that other shizz. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-4/1.47/0.79/74, 2 saves
18. Tyler Clippard – If you would’ve blindfolded me before writing this and asked who was more valuable Venters or Clippard, I would’ve said why are you blindfolding me? Can’t you just ask me? I mean, the blindfold makes it kinda weird. Are you going to tickle my feet with a feather? Oh, and I would’ve said Venters. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 3-0/1.83/0.84/104
19. Chris Perez – You could put his stat line next to the definition of a donkeycorn. Nothing spectacular, just good old fashioned valuable closing games with closer-style old fashioned stuff… Wow, I got totally lost in that sentence and didn’t know how to finish it. Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections: 1-4/3.10/1.16/70, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 4-7/3.32/1.21/39, 36 saves
20. Neftali Feliz – Honestly (unlike the rest of the post where I was lying), no closers really disappoint as long as they keep the job and get saves. Though if you’re one of those types with high expectations, Feliz disappointed. And I’m not just talking in the World Series. There’s always next year, Rangers! (Assuming Washington doesn’t blow the team’s salary in Vegas. With the key word being blow.) Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections: 5-2/2.75/1.00/90, 40 saves, Final Numbers: 2-3/2.74/1.16/54, 32 saves
Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season. Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them. The sadness! The grief! The inconsequence of it all! Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related. I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him. Just look up. Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.) Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September. Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap. Huston Street got hurt — shocker! Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive. Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security. He’s the Teflon Closer. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 2. Craig Kimbrel(+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri) 4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard) 5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall) 7. John Axford(+5) (Francisco Rodriguez) 8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop) 9.Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman) 10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez) 11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell) 12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez) 13. Drew Storen(+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett) 14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale) 15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez) 16. Ryan Madson(+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 17. Joe Nathan(+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow) 19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright) 20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour) 21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
22. Jordan Walden(-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi) 23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson) 24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel) 26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato) 27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch) 28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers) 29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn) 30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)
I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!” Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.” Then I was like, “What is “the haps?” The happenings? Then say that. And ‘in Toto?’ Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’” It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product. Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes. Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 2. Heath Bell (+3) (Chad Qualls, Ernesto Frieri) 3. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard) 4. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque) 5. Brian Wilson(+1) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
6. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall) 7. Joel Hanrahan (Jose Veras, Chris Resop) 8. Craig Kimbrel (+3) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink) 9.Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman) 10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom) 11. Sergio Santos (+8) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale) 12. John Axford(Francisco Rodriguez) 13. Leo Nunez (Edward Mujica, Mike Dunn) 14. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez) 15. Andrew Bailey (+3) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour) 16. Kyle Farnsworth (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell) 17. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins) 18. Drew Storen(-2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett) 19. Ryan Madson(+11) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo)
20. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow) 21. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright) 22. Jordan Walden (+2) (Scott Downs, Fernando Rodney) 23. Fernando Salas (+3) (Jason Motte, Octavio Dotel)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
24. Neftali Feliz (-3) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara)
25. Chris Perez (-17) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
26. Kevin Gregg (-2) (Jim Johnson, Mike Gonzalez) 27. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez) 28. Javy Guerra (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier) 29. Jason Isringhausen (-15) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Beato) 30. Jon Rauch (-1) (Frank Francisco, The Ghost of the Seagull that Dave Winfield Killed)
Apparently, A-Rod’s got a bucket list (get creative with letter replacements for b) that he wrote when he was 15 years old. Madonna, check. Cameron Diaz, check. Christie Brinkley, check. “I wonder if Phoebe Cates will come to my pool party.” To spice things up, he puts on Betamax copies of Skinemax movies. “Oh, Emmanuelle…” Who needs Derek Jeter’s rejects when you can have Mickey Rourke’s? So with the media circus surrounding Jeter’s 3000 hit, Rudy and I both couldn’t make it out to The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built, but we were able to send Keith Morrison of Dateline. “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline. It’s in this small, bucolic town, the South Bronx, that Alex Rodriguez calls home. Everything seemed right in the world this weekend. The famed Yankee captain, Derek Jeter, did what no other Yankee had done before, but quietly in the corner of the clubhouse something was brewing below the surface — A-Rod’s knee and his love of cougars.” A-Rod is going to miss the next 6 weeks or so with knee surgery. If you’re wondering if your team will be all right without his power, look at his stats for the last month. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
CC Sabathia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks while A-Rod made eyes at his mom.
Paul Maholm – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Now has a season ERA of 2.96. Has helped me remove some of the odor from dropping Anibal the first week of the season.
Pedro Alvarez – It’s a cruel twist of fate when you draft someone, they suck, get injured and then sadly you leave them on your DL for two months hoping they’ll turn their season around when they return only to be demoted. Unfortunately, the cruelness won’t end there because I’ll probably draft him again next year. Alvarez, please use an alternate route than Ian Stewart.
Jake Peavy – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. There’s guys like Luebke on your waivers and you continue to roll out Peavy. That there is why you’re losing. Sorry, it’s Tough Love Time with Grey Albright. Our next guest will be the guy who still has Pedro Alvarez on his team. Wait, that’s me. No, tables, don’t turn!
Adam Dunn – Hit a homer on Friday and that’s it all weekend. They should put him in the Home Run Derby so we can see our first strikeout.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Didn’t say I didn’t like him when I said to sell him on Friday. Don’t put words in mouth, you know I don’t like that. Now eat your vegetables.
Carlos Gonzalez – Headed for an MRI on Monday. Wait, that’s today? Unless you’re in New Zealand — weirdos! If it’s bad news about the CarGo MRI, I give you permission to cry if A) You own him. B) You’re a Rockies fan. C) There’s no C.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Here’s what I said after his last start, “Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again. Just putting that out into the universe. It’s the secret.” It works! Now if I could win the lottery… Wink-wink, Universe. Are you listening? BTW, speaking of having more money than you know what to do with, I was watching Real Sports the other day and they had a segment on Saadi Gaddafi. He threw his money around to get on a professional soccer team and, even though he was worse than a high school player, no one said anything because he could have them killed. Then he hired the shamed Olympic gold medalist, Ben Johnson, to teach him how to run. I won’t give away the whole thing, but seek it out. It’s brilliant.
Mark Trumbo – 4 homers in the last five games to bring his season tally to 17. I actually find it more surprising that the Sciosciapath hasn’t decided to randomly bench him for Jeff Mathis or Maicer Izturis.
Eric Thames -3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run. Nice of Bautista to let him carry the home run conch shell for one day.
Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. I will now pick him up in every league and potentially bench him for his next start, depending on the matchup. It’s all about the dangling modifier. That’s what she said!
Wandy Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. The Wandwagon has come off the tracks three of the last four starts. He’s around a 3.50 ERA pitcher and his season ERA sits at 3.52. So I guess he’ll now shave off that .02, and that’s my two cents.
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-3 with 3 steals. Now has 5 steals in his last 3 games. Emily Boneface isn’t just an awkwardly translated name, it’s a steals machine. BTW, I wonder if Josh’s brother, Gosh Johnson, ever did any scenes with Emily Boneface.
Chase Utley – 2-for-4 with 2 steals. Now has 8 steals and 4 homers. Didn’t he have knee problems? So now he’s a speedster with little power? I’m more confused by what he’s doing this season than Charlie Manuel watching Jeopardy.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer this weekend. Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now. Actually, I looked at Ibanez in one league last week and wish I grabbed him, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.
Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks. You’re only looking at him because he was good like five years ago.
Francisco Cordero – Who was the one who went into the bathroom and forget to flush? *Cordero blushes.* Dusty would be one of the slower managers to react to a faltering closer, but CoCo is doing everything in his power to make him flinch. You can handcuff with Aroldis, who should be owned anyway.
Mark Reynolds – Should be fine after being hit on the hand by a Weiland pitch. Supposedly, Weiland was mad Reynolds compared him to Eddie Vedder.
Vladimir Guerrero – Will also be fine after being hit by a pitch. In the bullpen, Kevin Gregg hulk-smashed a gagged-and-bound Johnny Pesky.
Nate Schierholtz – 4-for-4 on Sunday, hitting near .400 over the last week. With a last name that is German for pantyhose, you’d think he’d generate more excitement for me. He just doesn’t give huge power or speed.
Javy Guerra – Got two saves this weekend. Looks like he’s officially won the job of Dodgers closer, which is like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.
Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s been like the NL Liriano and Scherzer, so it pains me to point out Lilly was solid after the break last year (3.17 ERA).
Andre Ethier – 2 homers. Now on pace for 17 homers. No wonder Kemp pulls all the ladies.
David Wright – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Wednesday. Mets said he should be back sometime in July. They failed to mention what year.
