Greetings fellow fantasy geeks! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, here yet again to service you in ways you once thought irrealizable. I’m merely perpetuating my own genius by coming week after week with top quality, grade-A knowledge. I got’s to drop it on ya’ll, for not tot would be a terrible waste as it would die like a fart in the wind. At long last I’ve reawakened from my Vegas slumber as the elder gods were terribly unkind to me this trip. Of course, that is if you call doing mass quantities of snow with with a pack of bodacious strippers until the birds started chirping unkind. Beyond a doubt the sort of excursion that would make even the great Charlie Sheen jealous. Now let us get to the point of this post. I’m not here to write to you of perfectly formed beauties riding me like a rodeo (or am I), nor am I here to glorify hard core drug usage. What I’ve come here to do today, is talk about Alex Rodriguez, for I am seemingly his last remaining fan on earth.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On June 3rd, 2013, a young Cuban, armed with 5 tool ability and a rockin bod, landed on the Southern Coast of California. He was called upon to save a sinking ship, filled with disgracefully overpaid former all-stars including Manager Don Mattingly, who doesn’t seem to be capable or running a little league team, let alone the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hoping to find support from this beautiful Cuban specimen, they intended to immediately plug him into their leadoff spot as they intended to rise out of the cellar and eventually take over first place in the standings. It became evident from the first few hours of playing, that this stunning specimen was quite possibly their savior. The aforementioned Mattingly was going to place spark plug Nick Punto in the leadoff spot, but wisely was overruled by upper management as Don is the perfect little puppet. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. Consequently, the Dodgers have won 3 out of their last 4 games and the baseball world has been taken hostage by this awe-inspring young Cuban. His name: Yasiel Puig, and he’s now batting 438 with 3 dongs and 9 ribbies, adding up to 27.5 fantasy points in 4 days. I’ve got to admit that I’m a little upset with rotoworld for breaking the news that the Dodgers were calling up Joc Pederson, so I grabbed him instead. WHOOPS! Can I sue them for pain and emotional suffering? Get Cochran on this ASAP! What?! He’s dead? When did that happen? Are there any other African American legends I can get on the case? I need that Cochran swag and unfortunately white guys just come off as douche b@gs when they act that way.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As a real baseball fan and fantasy baseball junkie, I like to keep a close watch on certain players (too close, according to some states’ penal codes). Some time back, while Grey and I were surreptitiously collecting Ryan Braun’s sweat during a bikram yoga session, I mentioned that I keep many of my thoughts on these players in a diary. Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?