Fantasy Baseball Advice

Okay, I’m officially in love.  ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper.  I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet.  Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth.  Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.  That’s what I’m going to do.  His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches.  His line last time nearly as good.  His line tomorrow?  The moon!  Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon.  I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues.  He has a nice K-rate and solid control.  A terrific combo.  Could he go out next time and roofie you?  There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs.  He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week.  He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP.  He’s the one true outcome hitter.

Andre Ethier – 4-for-4, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs, 2 Turtle doves and one first round pick that didn’t start in a 15 run onslaught only to come in and go 1-for-1 with 2 RBIs while he was on my bench.  Thanks, Matt Kemp.  I hope Jay Gibbons is screwing Rihanna.

Rafael Furcal – Headed to the DL after not playing in over a week.  Don’t these people know us fantasy managers need to DL him?  How inconsiderate.

Mike Lowell – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer since he returned and he looks like he’s 45 years old, but, hey, that’s worked for Big Papi.

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in five games.  Also, hitting .333 over the last week.  To save you the suspense, I’m going to like Snider again next year (and Lind).  BTW, you ever just want to call them Travis Lind?  Adam Snider?  Maybe it’s me.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 with his major league leading 35th homer.  Was nice of Aaron Hill to give Bautista his magical 2009 bat.  Be interesting to see where it’s deeded next.  I vote for John McDonald.

Marc Rzepczynski – Blue Jays announced he would be recalled to start Friday.  At least they’re giving the equipment manager time to put his last name on a jersey.

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he took the Cards on in a steel cage match.  He must’ve thought he was Johnny Lawrence.

Geovany Soto – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Soto heads to the DL with a shoulder sprain.  Cubs are playing down the seriousness of the injury, saying he should(er) be back by late-August.  And he might.  But for a guy who has had shoulder problems in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a setback or him just not returning at full strength.

Alfredo Simon – Showalter made the long overdue announcement that Simon will share save opportunities with Mike Gonzalez.  Now we wait for the even longer overdue announcement that Gonzalez will just get all the save chances.

Felix Pie – A 3-run HR in the O’s route of the Indians.  All of a sudden Felix is making things look as easy as Pee-ay – he’s hitting near .400 in August with 2 HRs and 2 SBs.  That’s a good 2 months for Markakis.

Luke Scott – 2-for-5 with… Oh, c’mon, if I’m writing about him, you know what he did for the 4th time in the last ten games.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could actually see myself owning Wieters next year, assuming he doesn’t get crazy hot in the last month and a half to alert everyone he’s not complete toast.  I apologize to Wieters’ owners for wishing him ill, though I’m probably just reverse jinxing myself anyway, so actually you’re welcome.

Jason Heyward – Day-to-day with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Chipper Jones – Likely headed to the DL as Glass Chipper goes for an MRI on his sprained knee.  His knee probably does own him.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nats would’ve been better with Miss Iowa pitching.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Outdueling Ubaldo is a nice feather in his cap, but I don’t think he’s macaroni.

David Murphy – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer in the last 6 games as he also ordered the slam & legs.  I don’t wanna beat Secretariat, but Murphy’s hot.

Vladimir Guerrero – 0-for-5 and is the opposite of hot.

Ian Kinsler – Probably won’t return until September.  On the bright side, when you took him in the 2nd round, you could’ve took Sizemore.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It’s bad when that’s a solid game for Baker.

Justin Morneau – Could someone check on him?  Thanks!

Jeff Kartsens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has pretty average stuff and a terrible K-rate.  In another life, he could’ve been a hodgepadre.

Jose Tabata – 2-for-4 with his 12th steal in his 52nd game.  He’s also hitting  near .400 in August.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 with his first homer in almost two months.  Nice to see him reclaim his body from Zombie Glaus.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 and has the best average since the All-Star break.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Lindstrom – Blew the save and has now given up 7 runs in his last three appearances.  Meanwhile back at the Razzball ranch, I’m sporting Brandon Lyon on three different teams.

Sam Demel – Recorded the save because Heilman has pitched a lot recently.  Or maybe Gibson realized Heilman’s terrible.  No, I think it’s the first reason.  I wouldn’t go out and add Demel unless I were really desperate.  Heilman’s still the closer.

Alex Gordon – 0-for-3 and didn’t do much to report, but here’s a solid rant on the Royals from frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, “Yuniesky Betancourt had a baby this weekend and missed the Seattle series.  Gregor Blanco is currently missing time because his wife is expecting any minute.  Hochevar and Gordon are both expecting.  Billy Butler…well, his wife just always looks pregnant.  All these babies make complete sense.  The Royals are all screwing their wives in October and November because they sure as hell aren’t anywhere near a baseball diamond.”

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks and has a 2.81 ERA on the year with 17 decisions.  Unfortunately, he pitches for the M’s and 9 of those decisions are losses.  He has 12 straight quality starts, dating back to June 13th, and only five wins in that time.  He only has three non-quality starts all year.  He just better not blame Figgy or he will kick his ass.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  If you need pop, I wouldn’t be afraid of the new Petco slugger.

Domonic Brown – It took 35 ABs but he got his first career HR.  J-Roll planned on hitting him in the face with a whipped cream pie but couldn’t reach.

Ross Gload – Charlie Manuel is following the Jim Leyland school of lineups and hitting the fill-in 1B in the 3-spot because that’s about where Ryan Howard hits.  Gload made Charlie Manuel look smart today with 2 HR and 4 RBI.  Asked about it after the game, Charlie Manuel said, “If you’re charged with making scrapple, you’ve got to throw your scraps in a pan with potatoes and hope for the best.”

Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 3.41 ERA on the year.  Maybe he’d pitch better if he’d stop worrying so much about selling Wendy’s Apple Pecan Chicken Salad.

Brandon Morrow lost the no-hitter but pitched as well as any pitcher this year.  9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks and 17 Ks.  Though not everyone was impressed.  When reached for comment after the game, Adam Lind said, “If you gave me 27 outs, I could strike out 17 times.”  Did Morrow go near-no-no vs. the Rays on sheer will or does he have this pedigree?  Is he Edwin Jackson no-no or is he Garza no-no? I’d put him in the 2nd phat camp.  The only thing holding Morrow back from ace territory is the walks.  At 26, there’s time to fix that.  Potatoes to chips, he’s only 26 years old and he LEADS (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) the major leagues for starters in K-rate.  You think I’m gonna be excited about drafting him next year?  Rhetorical!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells – Day-to-day with a dislocated toe.  I’ve dislocated my car keys before and sometimes I’ll dislocate one sock from a pair, but to dislocate a toe is pretty scary.

J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-5 with 2 homers in his first game.  Maybe we can fix Mr. Arencibia up with Momma Molina and get ourselves some more Arencibias.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I like when he’s Filthy Sanchez; I want to strangle someone when he’s Sloppy Sanchez.

Omar Infante – 1-for-4 with a home run.  His fantasy value is infantesimal, but he does lead the majors in average the last 30 days.

Takashi Saito – Got the save because Billy Wagner worked the last three days.  In that way Wagner’s like my car, it’s good for about three days then I have to go to my mechanic.

Kevin Slowey – His sore elbow is causing his next start to get pushed back a few days.  Figures it happens just when he started pitching well.  Why don’t you just take my pea puree while you’re at it?

Matt LaPorta – 3-for-4 and his second homer in 3 games.  We’ve had a few false starts from LaPorta this year where it looked like he was about to get hot.  Might finally be there now.  And that’s me lukewarmly recommending LaPorta!

Chris Carter – Was called up yesterday.  With Daric Barton nursing shoulder spasms, Carter will see the bulk of the time at 1st base.  Carter was #9 on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  Hit 27 homers with a .262 average in Triple-A this year while driving in 89 RBIs.  He can be Ryan Howard in a year or two.  If Morrow didn’t pitch the game of the season, Carter would’ve been your lead for today’s roundup.  He’s a must grab in keepers and AL-Only leagues, though I imagine he’s gone already.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him if I needed help at my corner infidel spot.  I expect he’ll give you what Stanton’s been giving you minus the steals (power, low average), but there’s upside for more.

Andrew Bailey – Will need at least another week.  Oh, and Wuertz got another save yesterday.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with two steals to bring his total to 26.  Nice that at least someone is stealing on the Mets.  Reyes, my sarcasm is directed towards you.  If you’re not Jose Reyes you can skip ahead, this is for him.  Not sure what’s going on, but you look so tentative on the base paths.  You wait until the 4th or 5th pitch of ABs to steal and, by point, the hitter is either striking out or fouling the ball off.  Run on the first pitch!  Now let’s do our 17 step handshake.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4 and a 15 game hitting streak with 4 homers.  I-BON-yes.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the person who is going to ask, no, I still don’t like Porcello.  I promise December Grey will reevaluate.

Jack Wilson – Fractured his right hand in a slip in the bathroom as he put the oofa in loofah.

Trevor Hoffman – Took longer than I thought it would, but the Brewers are finally saying Hoffman and Axford will share closing duties.  If you’re an Axford owner, hope it doesn’t take Hoffman as many opportunities for his 600th as it took A-Rod.

Jeremy Hellickson – Wade Davis and Jeff Niemann are both experiencing shoulder tightness and Hellickson is being held out of his Triple-A start on Tuesday in case the Rays need him.  I’d grab Hellickson now because I doubt both pitchers will be pushed with shoulder issues.

Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs with his 25th homer and 18th steal.  CarGo’s the King of the Slam & Legs.  I think he’s officially moving into overrated territory for 2011.

Pedro Alvarez – On Saturday, he hit his third homer in the last five games.  He now has 10 homers in 167 ABs.  Since the royal we are on the topic of 2011, I think I know who I’m ending up with next year when I punt 3rd base.

Alfredo Simon – Got the save as he gave up two runs.  Buck Showalter, if this is the stamp you’re putting on the O’s, it’s making you look Sally Draper crazy.

Felix Pie – 1-for-4 with a homer.  This week he also has 2 steals while hitting near-.350.  Could be a source of light power and light speed.  He’s like a poor man’s Big FraGu.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and has a 3.12 ERA on the year.  His K:BB and K-rate is far from inspiring but he gets the Indians next time out.  Seems like a decent H2H gamble (no relation to Rudy).

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal this week.  Holy douchetards, Figgy is finally hitting (over .450 in the last week).

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, when I saw he had three hits, I immediately thought to myself, has he done that yet this year?  He had.  On the 2nd day of the season.  Ah fanabla…

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 Runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Jerry Hairston Sr. who?!  Huh?!  I don’t picture Jr. going on some kind of homer barrage, but he’s shortstop eligible, so there’s that.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Padres haven’t let him throw more than a 100 pitches in a month.  Cust kayin’.

Chris Coghlan – Done for the year with surgery to repair the injury that he sustained while smashing a cream pie in Wes Helms’ face.  Coghlan vowed that next time he will just squeeze his lapel flower and squirt Helms with water.

Leo Nunez – Edwin Rodriguez, the Marlins manager, said that if Nunez doesn’t cut out blowing saves, he’s turning to a closer by committee. When Edwin said it, he made the Full House ‘cut it out’ hand motion.  I grabbed Clay Hensley.  Afterwards, I thought to myself, did I really just pick up Clay Hensley?

Gordon Beckham – Out with a sore groin.  Ozzie said, “I don’t think it’s that bad.  I don’t know if he was diving for the ball, or it was just a tight groin. We’ll go by ears how he feels.”  I think Ozzie’s confusing seashells with groins.

Angel Sanchez – Hitting .500 over the last week.  When I was looking at hitters to pickup for today’s short schedule, I looked at Angel Sanchez for a long time, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.

John Danks had a no-hitter through 6 innings yesterday and ended with a line of 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  That’s Jo-Da showing us how to harness midi-chlorians.  Top ten in the AL with my WHIP at 1.13 through 112 innings, have I.  Hmmm… Yessss.  A Yoda translator, I do not need because I am Jo-Da.   Danks has made a lot more hitters swing at pitches outside the strike zone this year — 21% in 2009 to over 28%, resulting in hitters making contact with almost 70% of pitches outside the strike zone compared to 57.7% last year.  That increase, naturally, has caused hitters to make a lot less solid contact.  This might be from his changeup, which he is throwing more of this year.  Or it could be The Force.  Either way, Danks is not suddenly an ace, but he is teetering between a fantasy #2 and #3.  You’ll take that, wrap it in a tortilla, load it up with guac and eat it.  Yes, you will.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Brantley – Even though his gig is steals-a-plenty, Brantley hit his first homer as the rest of Cleveland dealt with a bad case of LeBronchitis.  Listen, Cleveland, it hurts real bad right now, but you still have Jake Westbrook.

Roy Oswalt – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After the game, Oswalt took off his jersey and switched it with a fan who was wearing a Dodger jersey.  Oswalt said he saw it in the World Cup and thought it was a fun tradition.  He then winked, nudged and whispered, “Get me out of Houston.”

Lance Berkman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers and now has 5 homers in the last four games.  Watch out, The Ghost of Berkmans Past is haunting Houston.

Dan Wheeler – Picked up the save as Rafael Soriano was noticeably absent for the 2nd game in a row.  You know what I did immediately in every league?  I picked up Dan Wheeler.  The Rays have a bunch of guys who could step up.  Benoit’s been incredible, Balfour’s been decent, but Wheeler got the save yesterday so that was who I grabbed, in a non-perverse way.

Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Not sure what’s more surprising, that Crawford has ten homers or Longoria has only 13.  Yeah, Longoria probably.  Get some donks, Longo!

Wade Davis – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He needed this quality start since he may have been pitching for his life with the whispers of Hellickson getting called up growing louder.  Or maybe those whispers were Michael and the other dead Lost people.  BTW, I’m still annoyed at the ending.  Okay, moving on.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know Jeff Foxworthy with his “You know you’re a redneck…” shtick?  Well, along those lines, you know you are a total baseball nerd if you’re fascinated to see how the Padres will balance Latos’ workload with the need to pitch him as they make a run for the pennant.  Hey, Foxworthy’s isn’t funny either.

Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.76 on the year with 100 Ks in 122 IP.  Barring the Yankees and at Arlington, that’s a guy you start every time out.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – Was reported early yesterday that Reyes was going to see a doctor for his oblique pain, which is a terrible sign… But then, as with most things with the Mets, things were not as they seemed.  Later in the day, it was reported that Reyes did not see a doctor and should be fine for Friday.  Stay tuned for at least five more conflicting reports regarding the Mets.

Matt LaPorta – Out for the third straight day for what was deemed an insignificant head bruise.  Can’t we send him back out there with Cervelli’s Great Gazoo helmet?

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 23rd homer.  All he does is hit homers!  No, really, that’s all he does.  He hit .179 in June.  Did he drink Dave Kingman’s Vitamin Water?

Adam Lind – Speaking of nothing but homers, Lind hit his 11th homer.  Courtesy of ESPN, Lind has one three hit game this year.  On Opening Day.  Yowsers!  (The “Yowsers!” was my addition, not ESPN.)

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He has 93 IP and 67 Ks, not terrific.  His matchups are wonky at times.  His WHIP of 1.16, very pretty.  Hey, take the good, take the bad…yadda yadda yadda….  The Facts of Life.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 6th homer and 14th steal.  Someone’s been staying at the Renaissance Hotel.

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, no walks, 12 Ks and now has a 2.96 ERA with 128 Ks in 104 1/3 IP.  Member when his ERA was 4.99 on May 4th and you were buggin’ out and I told you to chill out?  We were younger then, you and I.  Fond memories.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-4, now hitting .297 with 4 homers.  Wow.  And.  Ow.  Where are the Mauer owners?  I never hear any complaints in the comments about him.  I know you’re out there.  Is all forgiven because of his precious Runs?  I am not disappointed at all.  Mauer gets me Runs.  I am glad I drafted him in the first round and converted his bobblehead into my water faucet.  The only water coming out of your Joe Mauer bobblehead is tears and you know it.  C’mon, vent a little, it’s good for the soul.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  May not have been the easiest matchup but how many excuses are you going to make for Baker?  You guys had a good run– Actually, no, you had a terrible time together.  I’d part ways if there’s decent options on waivers.

Justin Morneau – After taking a knee to his melon, he sat out yesterday.  He’s day-to-day, or as they say in Jamaica, dayo-to-dayo.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 1 earned run in any game since June 12th.  Yup.

Felix Pie – 1-for-3 with a homer.  That is some tasty Pee-ay.

Gerardo Parra – 4-for-5 with 2 runs.  That line is pretty indicative of Parra.  He hits for average and little else.  He’s like a poor man’s Coghlan.  That’s not a compliment.

Andres Torres – 2-for-6 while hitting his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals in the last week.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but you don’t need to wait for that shizz.  He’s right here, guys and three girl readers.  Go at it.

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  In 50 less games, he has better numbers on the year than Wieters.  He’ll probably be passing Mauer in value soon too.  Ouchy.  How’s that avoiding my advice to punt catcher treating you?  Now get me my mead!!!

Andy Pettitte – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hey, all of you Pettitte owners, you’re living on borrowed time.  That is all.

Jason Giambi – 4-for-4, but I picked up Brad Eldred in my NL-Only league!  Freakin’ Giambino.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Aw, geez, now he’s just making it difficult for Keith Law to choose his NL Cy Young.  Pardon me, may I see your FIP? That was my Keith Law impersonation.  It needs work.

Shane Victorino – 3-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Uh-oh, he’s gaining on Ryan Howard.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 1 ER and his third blown save.  Lidge loves to turn the vacuum from suck to blow.  He is more than capable of losing the closer job, but I don’t think it happens without a few more blown saves or an injury.

Ryan Madson – Was activated from the DL and blew his 3rd save.  Hey, just like old times!  For those out there with short-term memory — hey, who just wrote that?! — Madson wasn’t great before the trip to the DL, so there’s no reason to think he’s going to suddenly take over for Lidge.  I mean, it’s possible if Lidge continues to be crizzap or gets hurt, but it’s not happening right away.

Jayson Werth – Trade rumors are swirling that Werth might be moved.  His value would obviously take a hit, unless, of course, he moves to Coors or The House They Built Adjacent To The House That Ruth Built, but neither team really needs Werth.  These trade rumors may just be because Utley is sick of his tag team partner (<–not entirely safe for work, unless you work in the porn industry).  That news item reminds me when Willie McGee and Otis Nixon were rumored to be swapping paper bags with the eyes cut out.

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.

I picked up Doug Fister in every league I could.  So, that’s out of the way.  I won’t start him the next time out though and I’m not sure I’ll start him ever.  I may just drop him if I never get a good matchup at home.  At home’s key.  That’s the only place I’d start him.  Last night, his 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks performance is his peak.  He pitches to contact and doesn’t K anyone.  He’s similar to Joel Pineiro.  Call him Jo-eh.  If you were the firster to get him off waivers, chuck him into a package trade for someone much more reliable or exciting.  His appeal is limited.  So, yes, I grabbed him to chuck him.  My apologies, Mister Fister.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – Hit his 2nd homer in as many days.  Going mono y mano with Soriole, Bradley Bergesen.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu left the game in the 7th with tightness in his groin.  Ugh-arf!  That’s FraGu backwards (almost).

Conor Jackson – To the DL with a hamstring.  This is probably the best thing to happen to his owners all year.  If you’re struggling to find room for him on the DL, I’ll save you the time.  Drop him in most mixed leagues.

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4, but Conor Jackson’s hamfret pushes Johnson into the leadoff role.  I like me some Johnson!  Not like that.  C’mon, that’s juvenile.

Gerardo Parra – 1-for-3, and now has a starting job because Conor Jackson’s injury is paying it forward.  Parra has little value outside of NL-Only leagues.  There, he’ll give you very little power and little speed.

Ty Wigginton – I mentioned grabbing him yesterday when he had four homers in the last week.  Today, he has 5.

David Eckstein – He hit a walk-off HR for San Diego.  When pressed for comment, Eckstein said it was his biggest hit since knocking out Soda Popinski.

Clayton Richard – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not really bad on Ks and he will have an under-4 ERA at home this year.

Brian Fuentes – Scheduled to return from the DL on Wednesday.  He should get the closer role right back.  At least I hope so since I own this doode.

John Lackey – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  A’la Superintendent Chalmers, “Lack-eee!”  Honestly, this might have been Lackey’s alter ego pitching, Lon Jackey.  He pitches like he’s in a horror film.

Mike Cameron – Could miss a few games because he’s got some stones below the belt in the literal instead of colloquial sense.

Jacoby Ellsbury – May end up D’ellsburied after all.  The Sawx played Bill Hall in center yesterday.  How’s that for depth?

Jeremy Hermida – HR yesterday.  Hermida couldn’t get to a ball he should’ve, which started the scoring on Lackey.  Hermida is a poor-man’s Trot Nixon.  Call him Mosey Agnew.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s actually been one of my best pitchers so far.  Scary, yet true.

Aaron Rowand – Reports are good that Rowand won’t need surgery on his face.  Too bad Willie McGee never received the same good news.

Juan Uribe – Has two homers in the last two games.  He’s one of the streakiest hitters.  Bet he hits at least two more homers this week.

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He seems like a good guy.  I wish him the best.  I wouldn’t touch him.

Felix Pie – Will miss up to three months with latissimus dorsi muscle injury.  I thought only dolphins had dorsi muscles.  Anyone ever see Felix Pie flinch around a can of tuna?  Eh, guess it’s not important.  I imagine Reimold’s still nursing his Achilles’ because he’s pulling a Kotchman with that thing, but he’s got one less schmohawk to deal with for playing time and he has been hitting cleanup.

Kelly Shoppach – Out for 4-6 weeks with knee surgery.  I had knee surgery once and I wasn’t able to catch for almost two months later.  Actually, that’s a complete lie, but my English Comp teacher once told me to personalize.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Royals.  Now they should make him a closer!  I keed.  Morrow should be capable of more performances like this one, but he gets the Rays next and I’m officially more worried about the Rays’ offense than the Sawx’s.

Mike McCoy – 3-for-4, 2 steals.  Hill’s due back soon which will push McCoy to, well, wherever McCoys go when they’re not playing.  In the meantime, McCoy stole 40 bases in Triple-A.  As they say at Razzball, SAGNOF!

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 as he hit his 2nd homer in four games.  I think he might be a year away still, but he could be coming around; don’t sleep on him if he’s out there.

Cliff Lee – Will throw a simulated game on Tuesday.  They should use a Wii for that.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a million New Yawkers thinking this Davis has an idear up der at bat.  If you scroll down, you’ll see a post about him.  Want more, greedy?  Okay.  The Mets announcers (I heart Keith Hernandez) were comparing Davis to John Olerud.  Davis was wearing a batting helmet at the time, but they meant it about his hitting.  Also, they meant it as a compliment, but I took it as insult.  20 homers and a good average?  I’m hoping he develops more power than that.  Either way, you should own Davis for the chance at a breakout.

Jose Reyes – Wanted the day off because of fatigue.  It’s fair after playing three plus games in two days.  Then he got in the game late and continued to do nothing.  We need to remain calm.  He had no time to ramp up to the season.  The thyroid shorted him his Spring Training.  I’m not worried.  If Reyes gets hot, he could carry you for a month.

Craig Stammen – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That Stammen is a real pistil!  What, flower jokes ain’t your thing?  Whatever.  Oh, and Stammen’s a terrible pitcher, nothing’s changed.

Kevin Mench – The Nationals gave him a minor league deal and he’s hitting so far.  If the Nats call him up, I’m booking tickets for Kevin Mench Fathead Poster day when the first 10,000 guests get life-sized posters of Kevin Mench’s head that one can affix to their wall like a giant tapestry or fresco.

Scott Podsednik – Left the team for a family emergency.  The emergency:  give his hot wife a royal f***in’ vs. playing for the f***in’ Royals.