Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hanley Ramirez said he wasn’t lollygagging after the ball.  I see his point.  You can’t chase after the ball.  You kick the ball to the curb, neg it then hope the ball comes back to you.  That’s Pickup Artist Rules 101.  Hanley was benched yesterday and now there’s talk he may get traded.  Fredi said, “We don’t want the game played like that in front of our fans.”  Insert your “There are no Marlin fans” joke here.  I don’t think he’s traded away.  In fact, I think all this shizz blows over in a day or so.  What are the Marlins going to do?  Trade away their best player?  As someone in the audience of Jerry Springer might say, “Pay first month on that puh-lease.”  Fredi Gonzalez will be out of job before Hanley gets traded.  Hanley being Manny and the Marlins will learn to deal with it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – Hit his 2nd homer of the year.  That’s so Maybin!

Grady Sizemore – Had an MRI on his knee.  Know why?  Cause they can’t do an MRI on his bat.

Andre Ethier – Placed on the DL as lispers everywhere mourn.  But his name was Ethier to say! My guess is he’ll miss close to a month.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has been incredible so far this year.  ERA at 2.61, WHIP’s at 0.97 as he leads the AL in innings.  He gets the Diamondbacks next in the no-DH, swing-friendly desert.  Yes, please.

Edwin Encarnacion – Hit a home run in his first at-bat back.  He’s fine in deep leagues as a stopgap, but when Snider returns in ten days, Edwin will lose playing time to Bautista.  To paraphrase, you Edwin some, you lose some.

David Price – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His 1.81 ERA is a bit of a mirage obviously, but he can be a good one for a long time to come.

Trevor Hoffman – Don’t you love when a guy’s ERA and WHIP says INF and INF?  That’s short for infested.  As in, my pitching was fine today except for the Trevor Hoffman infestation.  The Brewers could go to Villanueva or Coffey, in that order.  They should.  Will they is a whole different story.  They may ask Hoffman to go to the Disgraceful List to save face and my ERA and WHIP.   Then again, I can’t believe the Brewers have stuck with Hoffman as long as they have, so really what do I know?  Besides where you live.  That’s me standing behind you.  Hey!

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first steal of the year.  Now only 3 RBIs away from leading the NL.  Considering his lineup and where he hits in it, it’s not completely fluky.  That’s assuming RBIs aren’t fluky, of course.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, as he bats .329.  His average has now dropped about 50 points since I made him a Sell.  It’s your team, friend.

Carlos Quentin – 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs after getting almost a week off for unsportsmanlike behavior.  You know, not hitting, fielding, running or anything else from his sport.

Andres Torres – 2-for-5 with a homer yesterday, but that’s not his bag.  It’s steals.  Who is he?  He’s the guy who’s playing every day in the Giants outfield while batting 2nd.  So why don’t you know him?  Because he’s 32 years old.  When you don’t know a guy that’s 32, you wonder where he’s been, right?  The minors.  On and off since 1998.  He’ll get exploited soon, but he’s a source of steals while he’s hitting.

Jason Donald – 2-for-3 in his major league debut.  He batted ninth, which makes sense since the Indians have Trevor Crowe and Mark Grudzielmacallit at the top of the order.  Can’t break those two up.  They’re like peas and carrots.  Over boiled, unsalted peas and carrots that you wouldn’t feed to the dog.  In the case of Sooner vs. Later, Jason Donald should move up the order.

Carlos Zambrano – Lou Piniella said, “We moved Zambrano to the bullpen because he had a 7.40 ERA.  He now has 7.07 ERA.  So that worked as well as everything else I’ve done this year.  I am Sweet Lou.  Now pray to my sweetness.”  The preceding wasn’t an exact quote.  So Z’s moving back to the rotation.  Z magnifique?  Nope.  Z adequate?  Yup.  I said I wouldn’t own him in the preseason, ended up drafting him then dropped him.  I’m not rushing out to grab him again.  Z you later!

Luke Scott – Yesterday, he hit his 5th and 6th homers since May 8th.  He has 9 homers overall.  He won’t have value for longer than two or three weeks, so if you want/need power, Scott is providing it right now.  Now go take your emoticons and pick him up.

Corey Patterson – Hit his 2nd homer of the year (he only has, like, 25 ABs).  Patterson’s one of the streakiest hitters out there.  After Luke Scott, of course.  And that, sir, is no slander.  You want slander?  Luke Scott and Corey Patterson usually suck dog balls.

Kevin Millwood – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I grabbed him in one league for his two start week. (He gets the Nats in his next start.  It’s a’ight in most H2H leagues.)

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Lately, F-Her has been more like F-Me.  Someone in the comments yesterday mentioned F-Her might be battling a sore back.  It could be since his WHIP is out of control right now.  Not normal for him.

Troy Glaus – Hit his 4th homer in his last seven games.  These waiver wire guys don’t stay hot forever.  Well, except for Jose Bautista and Ty Wigginton.

Kris Medlen – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Actually pitched better than the line shows.  Medlen made only two mistakes and coasted through 5 of 6 innings.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was appropriately enough Greinke’d!

Tyler Clippard – Took the loss as he moves to a 7-3 record.  Starting pitchers who have not missed a start only have 9 starts.  Clippard’s got ten decisions!  Yes, my voice is cracking right now like Tim Kurkjian.

Juan Miranda – The not-so-young Yankee rookie hit a homer yesterday.  After the homer, Miranda doffed his fruit basket to the crowd.  He’s a bit old for prospect status, but if the Yankees slot him in at DH for an extended period of time, he could hit some homers.  Right now, it’s not clear he’ll have every day time.  Fine in AL-Only leagues, I’d wait a bit in mixed leagues.

Miguel Olivo – Left the game after trying to do The Triple Lindy slide into 2nd base.  As of post time, he’s day-to-day.  Somewhere, Chris Iannetta laughs maniacally.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He gets the Royals next and that’s tough to pass up, but after that game I’ll probably say you shouldn’t own him in any mixed leagues.  You’ve been served!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in 3 games.  First, Quentin now the other Latino Chuck is clicking.  Don’t think Carlos Lee is anything more than a 25 homer, .270 hitter, but considering how bad he’s been, you’ll take it.

Felipe Lopez – Homered as he hit leadoff.  He’ll probably stay at the top of the order since no one else is hitting on the Cards and La Russa’s not crazy/drunk enough to bat the pitcher leadoff.  Or is he?

Torii Hunter – Now has 2 homers in 2 games.  Must be heating up in Texas aka Coors South.

Jered Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  I was thinking I should bench him because of Arlington and the Rangers scare me.  Unfortunately, I went with the bold move to start him.  Stupid nads.

C.J. Wilson – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You had to kinda figure the 1.48 ERA wasn’t gonna hold all year.  If you didn’t, you should read this.  Wilson may quickly become a guy you only want to start on the road.  Am I seeing the future?  Yes.  Enjoy your Beef ‘n Macaroni at lunch.  No, that’s not a hair.  It’s yarn.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks as the Pirates beat him.  Ladies and gentlemen, you’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land where Carlos Silva wins his fifth game and the Pirates beat Roy Halladay — Next stop, The Twilight Zone!

Josh Beckett – Left the game with the same back problems that forced him to miss a start earlier in the season.  Chris Berman would diagnose Beckett with “back, back, back” problems.

We all know Chone Figgins loves stealing 2nd base, but he might be starting early this year. After a brisk calisthenic session, Don Wakamatsu decided to try Figgy at 2nd base with Jose Lopez shifting to 3rd base.  The Mariners haven’t had this amount of speed at 2nd base since they faced David Eckstein and Ichiro moved up 50 steps.  Suddenly, Figgins’s Sparky Anklebiter power and top tier speed looks much better.  It would catapult him to the top 7 of the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010.  I’d rank him right after Cano and in a promising tier.  Going for steals at 2nd base wouldn’t hurt nearly as much at 3rd base.  But he’s not there yet and, frankly, I don’t think the move to 2nd is going to happen, barring an injury to Jose Lopez.  When you have players comfortable at their position, you don’t mess with it for s’s and g’s.  But since we’re going down this road, it helps Jose Lopez’s value too.  Not as much though. Or maybe Lopez will replace Kotchko at 1st.  Ah, rumors, surrounding me every day.  Anyway, here’s what else is happening in fantasy baseball:

Russell Branyan – Landed with the Indians.  Yippee.  He’s covered in the top 20 1st basemen post that is actually the top 24 1st basemen post.  Now tough actin’ Manny Acta is saying Branyan’s going to play 1st base, LaPorta is going to play left field and Michael Brantley… Well, Brantley’s shizz out of luck.  Brantley’s value obviously plummets if he starts the season in the minors.  It’s still early so things can happen.  Doesn’t look good right now.  My real question is how did Manny Acta get another job managing a Major League team?  Did he really impress that many people in Washington?  A career .385% managerial winning percentage sparked interest?  For some reason this made me think of my grocery shopping.  Expectations are super low when I go grocery shopping.  I buy frozen fried chicken and toilet paper.  That covers everything.  Literally.  But no one’s hiring me to do their grocery shopping.  This is Manny Acta.  He’s a manager that buys easy-to-prepare fried chicken and toilet paper.

Eric Gagne – The Canadian ex-Dodger admitted to using HGH.  He should’ve blamed it on socialized medicine.

Felipe Lopez – Looks headed to the Cards.  Does nothing to his value, which is already mentioned in the top 20 2nd basemen.

Brandon Lyon/Matt Lindstrom – The Astros know they’re going to win 70 games, they’re just not sure who’s going to close them.  My guess is Lyon will get the majority of the saves.  Ed Wade said, “I know there have been a lot of successful teams over the last dozen years or so who have used more than one closer to get to the finish line.” Look at Ed checking his facts or so!  As of right now, I’d draft both of them.  If you draft Lyon, you should try and get Lindstrom too.  In fantasy baseball and S&M, they call this handcuffing.  If you play with people like me, your leaguemates will immediately draft Lindstrom right after you draft Lyon.  Miserable cork-soakers!

Cameron Maybin – He’s excited to hit 2nd this year.  That makes two of us, friend.

Francisco Liriano – Francisco Liriano reported he’s healthy and eager to take the mound.  Only problem is Liriano reported that in January of 2008.  I only point this out as a reminder to keep health reports, positive and negative, in perspective during Spring Training.  Every year the Royals are a contender in February, Boof Bonser’s lost weight, Milton Bradley’s turned over a new leaf, Manny’s going to retire and Jesus Colome reminds a reporter it’s Hay-Zeus.

We continue our 2010 fantasy baseball rankings with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball.  2nd base is an odd duck.  Shortstops have speed.  You can find speed in the outfield.  There’s even some legitimate speed at 3rd base.  All of these 2nd basemen must have grown up watching Bret Boone and Jeff Kent because you’re more likely to find power at 2nd base than speed. Sure, there’s Brian Roberts, but he’s 32 years old and only stole 30 bases last year.  I want a 40 steal 2nd baseman.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.  As with the previous ranking lists, tiers and my projections are noted.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball:

1. Chase Utley – In the top 10 for 2010 fantasy baseball post is Utley’s projections.

2. Ian Kinsler – In the top 20 for 2010 fantasy baseball post is Kinsler’s projections.

3. Brandon Phillips – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Cano.  I call this tier, “Locks for certain stats.”  After just missing a 20/20 season in 2006, Phillips has put up one for three straight years.  Without a whole lot of luck, he’s not going to hit 30 homers and 30 steals seems out of his reach, but you’re kicking a 20/20 season out of bed from your 2nd baseman?  Please.  Phillips is a poor man’s Ian Kinsler.  2010 Projections:  80/22/95/.275/22

4. Brian Roberts – I haven’t been a fan of Roberts for the last two years because of his inconsistency.  Were you paying for a 50 steal guy?  A 40 steal guy? A 30 steal guy?  A 18 homer guy?  A 10 homer guy?  Finally, I feel like Roberts has figured out who he is (or I have).  A 12-15 homer guy with 30 steal speed.  There’s value knowing what you’re going to get and getting what you’re going to get… Hmm… That made sense in my head.  2010 Projections:  105/13/75/.285/30

5. Dustin Pedroia – Pedroia feels a lot less overrated this year than going into 2009, so there’s a chance that I might end up with him on a team, but it’s still not likely when I see some people rank him above Roberts and Phillips.  Roberts is 12-15 homers and 30 steals, Phillips is 20-plus homers, 20-plus steals and Pedroia is a 15/15 guy with great Runs.  Personally, I’ll take 20/20 or 15/30 over 15/15 every day of the week and twice on Muesday.  2010 Projections:  110/15/70/.305/15

6. Robinson Cano – Cano could be outproduced by Aaron Hill, but I ranked them in this order because I trust Cano more.  With Cano going to be the magical 27 years old in 2010 when power tends to peak, I hope Cano can pull a high-20s homer season out of his hat.  2010 Projections:  90/27/100/.315/5

7. Aaron Hill – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Zobrist.  I call this tier, “These 2nd basemen are being drafted like they’re locks, but I don’t think they are.”  I ranked Hill lower than most because I don’t believe the 36 homers he hit last year.  Seems like a reach for him to do it again.  There’s a good possibility I write an entire overrated post for Aaron Hill.  As I said in previous rankings posts, I look at other projections.  So, CBS has Aaron Hill down for 103/36/106/.287/8 in 2010.  Since last year he had a line of 103/36/108/.286/6, I’m assuming they think he’s going to be exactly the same minus one extra base hit that drove in two.  Say what you want about ESPN, Yahoo, etc, but CBS is by far the worst fantasy advice.  I think they are so bad they actually get some lenience from people because no one actually takes them seriously.  2010 Projections:  85/24/80/.280/5

8. Ben Zobrist – I know, it’s Zorilla!  How dare I!  Why do I have to hate on guys that have career years?  He’s ranked far below where he should be considering his numbers last year.  His position eligibility does give him value.  Shoot, I’d draft Lyle Overbay if you gave him shortstop eligibility.  Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.  2010 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/12

9. Dan Uggla – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Lopez.  I call this tier, “These guys are okay, but they might give you fits of boredom.”  Uggla hasn’t had a full month of at-bats over a .300 average since May of 2008 when he hit .348.  That pretty much tells you all you need to know.  2010 Projections:  90/32/100/.250/3

10. Jose Lopez – He’s okay on your team.  He’ll work.  But it’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?  2010 Projections:  75/22/90/.275/3

11. Ian Stewart – This is a new tier.  This tier starts and ends here.  I call this tier, “The one guy I’d really like to have at 2nd base.”  I love Stewart this year.  First guy I feel like can completely outproduce his ranking.  If I could’ve ranked Stewart 3rd overall without having to give back my diploma from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, I would’ve.  Stewart feels like the Mark Reynolds of this year.  (That doesn’t mean a 45/20 line.  It doesn’t mean a guarantee.  Remember Reynolds looked like he was splitting time with Chad Tracy in the preseason last year.  It means a line like I thought Reynolds capable of in the preseason last year, around 30/12.)  Need I say more?  If you said yes, then proceed to the Ian Stewart Sleeper post-a-ma-whosie-whatsies.  2010 Projections:  85/29/100/.260/10

12. Asdrubal Cabrera – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Weeks.  I call this tier, “This is your last chance to even try for something from your 2nd baseman.  With varying degrees of something.”  Asdrubal is a peak of 12 homers and 25 steals, while Barmes hit 23 homers last year with 12 steals.  So why is Asdrubal above Barmes? Good question, random italicized voice.  Barmes’s 23 homers last year looks fluky, while Asdrubal can steal 25 pretty easily.  Barmes’s over/under for homers is 15, while Asdrubal’s over/under for steals is at 20.  2010 Projections:  95/8/65/.300/20

13. Clint Barmes -  See Asdrubal Cabrera or 1/10th of an inch above.  2010 Projections:  65/15/75/.255/12

14. Rickie Weeks – He’s a lock for 20/20 but he needs 150 games.  That “but” is J. Lo-sized.  2010 Projections:  75/17/55/.255/15 in 120 games.

15. Howie Kendrick – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Lopez.  I call this tier, “People will draft these guys, but I’m passing.” Frankly, I wouldn’t draft Kendrick with your team.  The upside isn’t interesting enough to me to warrant the gamble.  For instance, the best case scenario has him giving a Pedroia-type year.  Eh, it’s okay, but you’d be surprised how bored you get with a guy who’s offering 12/12.  2010 Projections:  85/12/70/.310/12

16. Casey McGehee – McGehee screams of a guy that is drafted and ends up on waivers by June.  His minor league numbers are utility man-ish.  He’s a cold month away from yielding to Mat Gamel, who is legit minus his glove.  And McGehee has no speed whatsoever.  He’s definitely more interesting at 2nd base than 3rd, but I’m passing.  2010 Projections:  55/17/65/.280

17. Placido Polanco – Don’t overestimate Crapolanco’s move to Philly.  He’s the definition of yawnstipating.  Literally.  2010 Projections:  100/10/70/.300/10

18. Felipe Lopez – The FeLopezian might be capable of 20/20, but it’s more likely going to be 10/10.  2010 Projections:  85/10/60/.285/10

19. Scott Sizemore – This is the last tier.  This tier goes from here to the end.  I call this tier, “Upside, snitches.”  As I’ve been saying for as long as I can remember.  If you’re late in the draft and you need a MI, take a flier on upside.  You’re probably going to drop one of these guys to waivers anyway, so you may as well take a shot on someone that can outproduce their oudraft spot.  I could’ve put Freddy Sanchez, Callaspo or Getz here (in that order), but what fun are those schmohawks?  re: Sizemore; been here, talked about this: Scott Sizemore fantasy post.  2010 Projections:  80/14/70/.275/16

20. Eric Young Jr. – Young can steal 40 bases in 2010.  Just give him the job.  Please.  Oh, and if he gets the job, it’ll play havoc on Barmes’s projections or Fowler’s or CarGo’s…  There’s only so much upside for one team.  2010 Projections:  65/1/40/.290/30

There’s a lot of names after the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball, but these two stand out:

Kelly Johnson – Already went over my excitement for  Kelly Johnson on the Diamondbacks. I ranked him this far down because I wanted to highlight him.  If I didn’t want to highlight him, I would’ve ranked him above Kendrick, but who reads the middle of these godforsaken posts?  Not me!  2010 Projections:  85/15/65/.270/10

Sean Rodriguez – Iwamura was sent to the 247th largest baseball market, Pittsburgh (which ranked just ahead of Nairobi).  Now Sean Rodriguez has a chance to see playing time.  Zobrist should start at 2nd base, but he can play everywhere, so Rodriguez could work into the mix.  Outside of deep leagues, you’re going to want to make sure Rodriguez has playing time before getting crazy with yourself and drafting him, but if he does have an every day job… 2010 Projections:  65/20/75/.250/5 in 400 ABs.

We already went over the top 20 catchers for 2009 and the top 20 1st first basemen for 2009.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool is shallow (not as kiddie-sized as the shortstops, but we’ll get to them in the next post).  Because of this shallowivity (Made Up Word Of The Day!), the 2nd basemen rankings can be split up into two tiers.  The guys you want and the tomato-tomahto guys.  The Guys You Want’s names kinda give them away.  The Tomato-Tomahto Guys are a whole group of 2nd basemen that are so close to each other in rank, it really didn’t matter which one of them you owned.  At one time or another during the season, you probably dropped one of the Tomato-Tomahtos for a different Tomato-Tomahto.  Everyone probably has one Tomato-Tomahto guy that they hated during the season.  I have a few.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Chase Utley – He was my choice for NL MVP in the preseason.  He’s going to be my 2010 NL MVP preseason selection.  Probably will be my 2011 preseason NL MVP choice and maybe my pick in 2012.  Then, one day when Pujols is not only hurt, but plays hurt, Utley will win it.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  105/29/105/.295/10, Final Numbers: 112/31/93/.282/23

2. Aaron Hill – Let’s get it out of the way upfront, there was some surprises in the 2nd basemen rankings.  We (or you) can sit there and say to yourself, “Gadzooks, Grey did a terrible job of ranking the 2nd basemen.”  First, who says gadzooks?  Are you in a comic strip?  Second, no one ranked Aaron Hill, Ben Zobrist, Marco Scutaro, Adam Kennedy et al anywhere near the top fifteen coming into the season.  There’s the top guys and there’s the bottom guys at MI.  This is why I usually punt the middle and avoid middle infielders between rounds 7 and 15.  Either get a top one, or ignore and take a flier later.  More will be said on this in the offseason.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  103/36/108/.286/6

3. Robinson Cano -  Someone has a terrific season the previous year (Pedroia, Hamilton) and I pulled back for 2009.  A player craps the bed in the previous season (Robinson Cano) and I got excited about them for 2009.  This is the story of my life with women too.  Kick me in the nads and I’ll buy you steel-tipped boots.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  80/18/85/.310/3, Final Numbers:  103/25/85/.320/5

4. Brian Roberts – My predicted numbers weren’t that far off from where he ended up.  Didn’t like him in April of 2008, didn’t like him in April of 2009, I think I might like him a bit more in 2010 because he’s finally become predictable.  Predictable is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  105/10/50/.285/30, Final Numbers:  110/16/79/.283/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Almost surprising as his season is his Christian faith (come on, his name is screaming for a mohel).  Everyone knows the good, so let’s look at the glass half empty.  17/52 and 11 steals with a .297 average in the 1st half.  In the 2nd half, 10/39 in 9 more at-bats.  Not terrible, just not as good.  His eligibility definitely helped offset the regression.   Nevertheless, it was there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Ian Kinsler – It’s great to finally see what he’s capable of over an entire season.  He’s a liability on average, plus speed and nearly as solid as Utley elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  110/23/80/.280/25, Final Numbers:  101/31/86/.253/31

7. Dustin Pedroia – This was the season I was worried about when I advised people (that’s you!) to stay away from Pedrioa.  Was 2009 a terrible season?  No, I never thought for one second he’d be terrible.  I just didn’t buy into him as a 2nd round pick and a repeat of his MVP season.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  110/15/75/.310/15, Final Numbers:  115/15/72/.296/20

8. Brandon Phillips – For some reason, no one seems to trust Phillips.  20/20 for three seasons straight and he gets no respect.  Whatevs, I’ll keep owning him since no one else wants to.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  90/25/80/.270/25, Final Numbers:  78/20/98/.276/20

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – With a swift kick to the nuts, the tomato-tomahto portion of the program begins.  It didn’t really matter which of these guys you owned, they were all productive at some points during the season and yawnstipating at other times.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  90/12/60/.275/10, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Marco Scutaro – If you would’ve told me in February there would be two Blue Jay 2nd basemen in the top 10, I would’ve punched you in the mouth.  MAR…co… SCUT…aro… had a decent season for a guy that probably wasn’t even owned in your league for a third of the season and returned from Asia with pasta.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

11. Adam Kennedy – Gene Rayburn, “2nd base is so shallow…”  You, “How shallow is it?”  Kennedy had only a good May and September and he’s ranked 11th overall.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/11/63/.289/20

12. Felipe Lopez -  You would think a guy whose ADP was 213 and who is ranked this high would have been a huge success.  You’d be dead wrong.  So many times I wanted to cut the Fe-Lopezian tubes, then he’d go and have a 1-for-3 game with 1 Run and I’d hold him.  Ugh, he had one of the more frustrating seasons.  How does he only steal 6 bases all year?!  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases!  Preseason Unranked, but he did make the Cheap Alternatives post, Final Numbers:  88/9/57/.310/6

13. Jose Lopez – I usually go with speed at MI, but, if you needed power there, J. Lo turned in a perfectly respectable season.  I would’ve taken his season over F. Lo any day of the week and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  80/15/85/.280/5, Final Numbers:  69/25/96/.272/3

14. Alexei Ramirez – When you’re ranked within sneezing distance of Luis Castillo, I hope you get Swine Flu.  Ramirez had one good month (May, 7 homers, 2 steals while batting .283) and 4 yawnstipating months.  How does he only steal 4 bases from June 19th on?  I think I’ve found my first candidate of the offseason that I won’t be drafting on any teams in 2010.  No matter what stories come out of spring training. Alexei has never seen the ball this well before! Alexei gained 120 of muscle mass! Alexei can go to hell.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  95/22/90/.285/15, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

15. Maicer Izturis – Maicer, what goes on?  Maicer…  It’s funny all the people ending the season at exactly .300 or just over it.  Don’t make me get Vin Scully to recount the story of how Ted Williams started both sides of a doubleheader while sitting on .400 for the season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

16. Alberto Callaspo – I liked him in the preseason, but even with that like, I couldn’t generate the enthusiasm to draft him anywhere.  Let’s face it, his mother barely gets excited about his hitting.  Was also mentioned in that Cheap Alternatives thingamapost, Final Numbers:  79/11/73/.300/2

17. Luis Castillo – Please don’t make me say anything about Castillo.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/1/40/.302/20

18. Placido Polanco – Placido Polanco is Yoda to Callaspo’s Luke.  Can we just call these guys Polancallaspo?  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/7/55/.310/7, Final Numbers:  82/10/72/.285/7

19. Dan Uggla – Even with how awful this list is, Aramis Ramirez, with 2nd base eligibility, would not have made this list.  Yes, 2nd base was deeper than 3rd base.  Bring back steroids!  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  85/30/100/.255/5, Final Numbers:  84/31/90/.243/2

20. Clint Barmes – This is one of my big problems with the ESPN Player Rater (this is where these rankings come from; makes it less subjective).  I’d rank Barmes as the last guy you’d want and above all the tomato-tomahtos.  I don’t really mind the average, but his homers and steals were valuable.  This is how I ended up with Mark Reynolds on all my teams in 2009 and how I will probably have Barmes on some 2010 teams.  (This is not official yet, we’re still recapping.  Barmes needs an everyday job.)  Was ranked 20th as a Shortstop, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards!  Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny.  Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read.  How novel!  Anyway, here’s The 2009 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – There’s two hitters from the AL in the top ten on the ESPN Player Rater.  Crawford at 4 and Ellsbury at 6.  The next AL hitter is Derek Jeter.  Can we punt the AL hitters award this year?  Wait, I know!  Let’s give it to a pitcher!  Zack Greinke, you’re the Razzball AL Fantasy MVP, how does it feel?  “If I don’t find out who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother by next spring training, I’m going to lose my shizz.”  Thanks for coming, Zack!  You’re the belle of the Razzballies!

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – If a no-brainer is my specialty, this one’s easy.  Albert Pujols.

Fantasy AL Cy Young – If Kansas City were a major market, we’d be getting an ESPN movie of the week this winter about Zack Greinke starring Macaulay Culkin.

Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum, but this is pretty close with Javier Vazquez, Dan Haren, Wainwright and Carpenter.  Crazy that those last four guys could’ve been had in any league.  That would’ve made for a nice team if you had all four.  Well, Lincecum gets the nod because he’s 145 lbs.  Those things matter for the Razzballies.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Grady Sizemore really wanted this award.  He even sat out September in his bid to suck.  But Josh Hamilton started sucking in April.  That’s a tough act to follow, mostly because of the stench.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – The winner is Jose Reyes.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t make it to the awards ceremony because he’s getting in “game shape.”

Special Lifetime Achievement Award That Is Only A Reflection Of This Season And Not Of A Lifetime – Mark Reynolds, because he needed his own award.  Thank you, Mini Donkey.  You made everyone else look like Mini Jackasses.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – And the Razzballie goes to Clint Barmes.  He’s starting, but not hitting, I’m dropping him.  He’s starting and hitting, I’m picking him up.  He’s hitting but not playing, I’m dropping him.  He’s hitting and playing… Do I drop him or pick him up?   Forget it, I’m dropping him.  Wait, he’s not even on my team.  Ugh!

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – Felipe Lopez.  Every time I came close to cutting the Fe-Lopezian tubes, he went 1-for-3 with a Run.  If I see one more 1-for-3 with a Run, I’m going to vomit.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Michael Cuddyer.  Cuddyer’s boring!  I’ll stick with the rotating Bowden Fluffer turnstile of Delmon Young, Milledge, Dukes and Cameron Maybin.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Bronson Arroyo.  Now don’t get any pine tar on your award!   A close runner-up was Joe Blanton.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Matt Cain.  If regressing to the norm is a 3.50 2nd half ERA, I’ll take it any day of the week and twice on Muesday.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Johnny Cueto.  Regressing doesn’t have to mean a flippin’ 8 ERA!

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Ben Zobrist.  Sure, his 2nd half wasn’t as good as his 1st half, but you weren’t actually embarrassed to own Ben Zobrist.  Tell me you saw that coming in February and I have a column for you to write called, “I’m a lying sack of shizz.”

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – Grey seems like a good guy, but there’s no way Mark Reynolds is going to keep this up.

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – I just traded a poor-April Verlander and Mark Reynolds for David Wright!  I’m so money and you snitches are so green!

Best Roofie Pitcher – Three way tie with J.A. Happ, Randy Wells and Brett Anderson.

Best Jockular Sphincteritis – Adrian Beltre with his cracked nuts.

Top Cuddle Boy – Ryan Madson.  Our closer is terrible, yet we can’t reliably turn to our set-up man.

Top SAGNOF – Michael Bourn/Andrew Bailey (tie)

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ – Carlos Beltran.  How long can someone nurse an injury that’s “not that serious?”

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Francisco Liriano