Fantasy Baseball Advice

Some rejected titles were, “It’s A Not-So-Wonderful Elbow, Andrew Bailey,” “Old Man Potter Gets The Last Laugh” and “Won’t You Come Home, Andrew Bailey?  Won’t You Come Home?” but when presented with a Party of Five reference, I turn to mush.  If you can wash Po5 out of your hair, you’re a better man than me.  Andrew Bailey is heading off to see Dr. Freeze, and there’s the reason why Craig Breslow was closing on Monday.  Here I thought he won a game of “Whoever’s Name Sounds Most Like A Character From Family Matters Is The Closer.”  I’d grab Breslow in all leagues.  If you can, I’d grab Wuertz too.  That’s what she said!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I get into the roundup, fantasy basketball leagues are signing up over at our sister (brother?) site.  Head over there if that’s your thing.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks and his 17th win to go along with a 2.81 ERA on the year.  I will now fall on my sword.

Joe Mauer – MRI showed he has tissue inflammation.  That’s what my jeans had in the 8th grade.  Sometimes they had socks inflammation.  Wait, what?  So Mauer’s not coming back for at least 5 days.  Then he’s not going to play every day the week before the playoffs.  I’d look elsewhere.

Joey Votto – Member when I said Dusty would start sitting Votto?  Well, Votto came down with a mysterious sinus infection and missed yesterday’s game.  At least it’s not a concussion, Canadians can’t handle those.

Jair Jurrjens – Has a tear in his right knee, but he might be able to make his next start.  That’s nice, but Jar-Jar’s not a great start anyway.

Gaby Sanchez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 19th homer.  Behind the scenes at Razzball HQ, October Grey has started to compile the recap of all the top 20 lists that he’ll post when the season ends.  I mention this because Gaby’s ending up much higher than I would’ve thought.  Listen (or read, which is probably easier), Gaby hasn’t been terrible, but, really, he’s just been a prime-of-his-career Lyle Overbay.  It’s a’ight.  Emphasis on ight.

Hanley Ramirez – Returned and went 1-for-4.  In a pregame press conference, he said, “I’m sick of people saying I don’t want to play.  Speaking of which, how many friggin’ games are left?”

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Solid game from Pelfrey but he gets the Phils next at Citizens Flank.  As they say in Italy, thatta no good.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs.  Where have I heard his name before?  Oh, I know!  I wrote it yesterday.

Billy Butler – 3-for-4 and, because he loves to be overrated, he’s hitting near .400 this month.  He loves it almost as much as he loves going to 2nd base on himself.

Jarrod Dyson – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 3rd steal in a week.  SAGNOF!

Eric Young Jr. – Speaking of SAGNOF, Young is out for the D-Backs series with a sore shin.  Noooooooooo, which in a cave would sound even more ominous.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Giants and Cards in his final two starts in games that should mean something for the Rockies.

Justin Upton – There’s talk he’ll be shutdown.  I say do it and stop giving his fantasy owners hope, but these aren’t decisions where I’m usually included.

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  Sure, he didn’t stay as crazy hot as he was in April, but what other site was even talking about this guy in January?

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He gets the Astros next, a team he has a 1.99 ERA against in 22 2/3 IP this year.  He’ll probably be in Thursday’s borderline starters post with some serious caveats.

Travis Snider – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  Would it surprise anyone if I said I’m going to be excited about Snider again next year?  It shouldn’t.  Especially not now.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He gets the O’s next, which could be a sneaky streamer.  Or strmrzynski.

Hunter Pence – Left yesterday’s game with hip discomfort, or as they call them in old age homes a “What else is new.”

Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  He’s also batting near-.400 in the last week.  Yup.

Tyler Clippard – Recorded his 10th win, i.e. except in Teixeira, that’s the same amount of wins as Dan Haren.  God, wins are stupid.

Freddie Freeman – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  He’s not worth going near in redraft leagues, but I’m still excited about him for next year and in keepers.

Clayton Richard – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!  He had a 4.85 road ERA going into yesterday’s game.  He wasn’t supposed to pitch a complete game shutout.  Dodgers can’t even suck at the right times.

Scott Baker – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Gets the Royals next, which seems like a good matchup on paper.  Too bad they’re not playing Strat-O-Matic.  Half of me wants to believe Baker wants to pitch well and beat the Royals so he secures his spot in the playoff rotation.  The top half of me thinks the Twins will be snoozing through the next week of games.

Fausto Carmona – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has around a one and a half ERA in September and gets the Royals and White Sox to close out the year.  Nice and not bad, respectively.

Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 4 ER.  Kazaam!

Adam Jones – 3-for-4, 2 Runs.  Hasn’t been a huge breakout season like some of us were expecting (me!), but he is hitting near-.400 in the month of September.

Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In September, his ERA has been below 2.  Guess who has two thumbs and is going to be on every ‘perts sleeper list of starters next year.  This guy!

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Somebody knew it was H2H playoff time.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Should get the Cards and Astros in his final two starts.  Not to put too fine a point on it, but I’d put Big Z in my bonnet.

Jake Westbrook – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Pirates.  Madonna mia, the Cards are tanking.  Westbrook gets the Cubs and Rockies in his last two starts.  I wouldn’t trust him in most leagues unless you need to gamble on not being whammied.

Felipe Lopez – The Cards dropped him after he arrived late for Monday’s game.  As opposed to fellow MI Brendan Ryan who hustled to the ballpark 4 hours before the game for extra batting practice and to make Albert his plantain-flavored protein shake.

Josh Hamilton – Hamilton says he hopes to return next week (yeah, sure) even after the Rangers found two fractured ribs yesterday.  Okay, a few things come to mind.  Don’t you think right after Hamilton says he feels sore they’d send him for tests and find something like fractured ribs?  It’s not like this is the 1890′s and they’re using a cauterizing iron.  Is his doctor, Dr. Nick Riviera?  Or are there some arcane MLBPA rules that restricts doctors to 5 pokes a day?  And they didn’t find the fractured ribs until the 15th day of poking?

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.

Andre Ethier had a June line of 9/3/12/.195… In 2008. June gloom? Perhaps. In 2009, he had a May as atrocious. So he can come out of this funk. In the last three years, Ethier has hit 30 points better in the 2nd half. Then again, could it be the pinkie that’s giving Ethier issues? Sure, but how long can a flippin’ pinkie hold him back? Take it easy on the shadow puppets and give your pinkie a rest, doode. Besides, this isn’t the first time Andre Ethier’s had to battle his pinkie demons. So he should get better? Yup. Like a dwarf standing in line, I smell a but. Yeah, random italicized voice, there’s a but. But he gives you no steals and his power is limited. His HRs per AB for the last three years is almost identical from the 1st half to the 2nd half. Around one homer every 25 ABs, so you’re looking at 40/12/50/.300/2 in the 2nd half. It’s nice, but Brennan Boesch just did that in the 1st half. Oh, and maybe the pinkie is bothering him. Ethier’s name value is a lot more valuable than his stats. This does not mean sell Ethier for an unopened Blossom: Season 2 DVD, but I’d entertain offers if there’s people in your league that think Ethier’s due for a huge bounce back. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Clint Barmes – Has some power and very light speed. Will usually hurt you on average, but is currently hitting near-.400 in the last week. And just think if you own DeWitt and Barmes, you can dedicate your fantasy season to John Ritter.

Felipe Lopez – When you drafted Utley in the 1st round, you never thought you’d be thinking about swimming up the Fe-Lopezian in July, huh?

Mike Aviles – We’ll call this the “I Just Lost Pedroia, Utley and Tulo” Buy/Sell edition. Between Barmes, Felipe and Aviles (or Barfmes), you have a terrible average-okay power guy, a light on everything guy and an empty average guy, respectively. Just think, if you play your Barfmes exactly right, you can get everything Pedroia, Utley and Tulo were giving you. But probably not.

Matt LaPorta – Just went over him. Scroll down or click. The choice is yours, Black Sheep.

Chris Johnson – Before altering all of your Big Johnson t-shirts, I’d note that he has a terrible walk to strikeout rate. For right now, he’s more of an NL-Only add.

Dexter Fowler – This season Dexter is going to kill it! I’m hoping if I keep saying that it will come true while also reminding me to rent the first season of that serial killer show.

Roger Bernadina – Doesn’t he sound like a real estate agent whose picture would be on a bus bench? I’m Roger Bernadina and I can be a cheap source of a 10/20 season. Now who wants to be a homeowner?

Wilson Betemit – For how long can the Royals bench their hottest hitter? Not rhetorical. Before you answer, consider that they played Alex Gordon when he wasn’t hitting and now refuse to promote him when he is hitting. Also consider they never promoted Kila Ka’aihue when he was hitting or gave him a fair shake when they did promote him.

Milton Bradley – What are you worried about? Him throwing off your fantasy chemistry? Sure, in person Milton Bradley is unsafe for Ages 2+, but you’re not going to dinner with him. Go ahead and add this Golden Glove outfielder for power and some light speed.

Alfredo Simon – Mike Gonzalez should be owned, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be the closer as soon as he walks off the big ol’ jet airliner. A) Gonzalez has a habit of losing closing gigs. B) He’s a lefty. C) He needs to get some innings under his belt in the majors before closing. D) There’s no D. E) Why would there be an E if there was no D?

Kris Medlen – In the May 7th Buy/Sell, I told you to get Medlen. He’s now at 11% owned in ESPN. Don’t everyone jump on the bandwagon at once.

Tom Gorzelanny – 65 Ks in 63 IP. I shouldn’t have to say more. Though by me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more. And me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more is me saying even more. And me saying– Well, you get the picture.

SELL

Paul Konerko – He’s now 34-years-old and has 20 homers while batting .295. Hasn’t hit over 31 homers or as high as .295 since 2006. I’m not saying to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar but for 2010 you’ve already got three-quarters of Konerko’s production. It’s time to cash in.

Ian Kennedy – You guys had a nice run. Member that time you and him and… Yeah, good times! The Diamondbacks are starting to skip him and he’s not a good enough bet going forward for you to be patient. I’m looking elsewhere.

Pablo Sandoval – Aw… But he’s so cute! He’s fat and a panda and you just can’t hate on that. In the preseason, I warned people that Sandoval is not a power hitter no matter his size. He’s similar to Billy Butler in that respect. (BTW, for All-Star Weekend, Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval in a wet t-shirt contest. Who’s with me?! No one? Oh, well.) Sandoval can hit for more average than your average panda, but I wouldn’t be surprised to only see 15 homers from him this year. Otherwise known as what Rolen had through June 21st. Sandoval will still have some value this year, but he’s a prime example of someone who has more name value than actual value.

Carlos Beltran – Can he run? Can he hit major league pitching again? Can he stop looking so much like Rickie from My So Called Life, it’s really distracting. Lots of questions attached to Beltran. You know what else is attached to him? Is he wearing Michael Jackson’s jacket? No, random italicized voice. That picture is really distracting. I know. Hype and name value is attached to Beltran. If you think you’re getting a guy who is going to give you a prime career year packed into three months, you’re dreaming. I wouldn’t trade Beltran for a six pack of skunked beer, but I’d listen to offers.

Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery.  This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs.  Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.  Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it.   Hopefully your options are better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL.  Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base.  Hold on, whaaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.

Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9.  Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.

David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle.  Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”

Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler.  Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield.  Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs?  Fowler has great speed and good on base skills.  If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited.  I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens.  Behrens!

Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it.  It’s not good.  Let’s move on.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life.  (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.

John Lackey - 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday.  I’m done with this schmohawk.  You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays.  It’s over for Lackey and I.  I should’ve never drafted him to begin with.  Have a nice life, don’t write!

Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia.  Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year.  That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.

B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria.  Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there.  He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300.  It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  I <3 Votto.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.

J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team.  Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz.  Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  Really?  He’s your three hole hitter?  This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes.  Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I almost sat him vs. The Adverb.  Sonavabenching averted.

Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.

Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered.  It’s a nice sign.  Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta.  We might have a live one, ya’ll.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12.  Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.

Prince Fielder – He got a little “How’s your father?” in yesterday’s 2nd half hitter post and hit 2 homers yesterday.  And only one of them was a solo shot!

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 and is hitting .480 over his 25 ABs this year.  Not getting consistent playing time, but the peasant Royals may want to reconsider that.

Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs.  Look at Denard Dawg getting it done.  Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants.  Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls.  No, not in that way.  He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing.  In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls.  No, still not like that.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley.  Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.

Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year.  Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April?  Good times!

Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring.  Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4.  Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day.  In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.

Mike Napoli – Hit his team-leading 14th homer yesterday as the Angels keep trying to shop him for some power.  Can’t make this stuff up.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA.  Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley.  After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.

The Nats will probably bring Stephen Strasburg into Washington in the bubble car with the albino John Lannan charged with throwing rose petals at his feet.  This was recently overheard in the Nats bathroom sometime in the near future, “Um, John, do you think you can stop with the petals?”  “Stephen, it’s my duty.”  “Yeah, well, this is my doodie and I’m going to be about 20 minutes.”  “Fair enough, sire!”  I went over Strasburg for fantasy already.  Been there, drunkenly wrote that.  I’m not changing my projections from that post.  A three and a half ERA seems optimistic enough.  Could he do a 2.75 ERA?  Sure, but I’m not counting on that.  I’m already giving him what I think we can get from Greinke.  So a 3.50 ERA… Let’s see, who else could bring such luster to our fantasy El Camino.  In 303 and a third 2nd half innings over the last three years, Bronson Arroyo has a 3.06 ERA.  Would anyone in their right mind trade Strasburg for Arroyo?  Not right now.  The hype is way too strong with the young Austrian.  Today, I think you can sell Strasburg for someone’s kidney.  I’m not sure what you’d do with three kidneys.  Maybe a bookend.  Think about how you felt owning Matusz, Smoak, Ike Davis, etc. (BTW, isn’t it sad how “etc.” is always last?) before they appeared in one game.  Now think about how you feel about those rookies after a month plus?  In my 20 team league, someone just dropped Matusz and in another league I’m glad I traded Smoak the day after I picked him up.  Yes, I’m telling you to sell Strasburg if you can get the right deal.  I don’t think Strasburg will be droppable in two months, but I also don’t think his hype will reach his value.  Of course, ignore the previous paragraph in keeper leagues, unless you’re Steve Phillips.  In keeper leagues, you rename your team, The House of Strasburg and you dine on fine wines and hard to pronounce cheeses.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Will Ohman – The O’s bullpen looks like Rocky Dennis trying to get dressed up for a semi-casual night out with a girl he likes.

Frank Mata – The Mata Hari of SAGNOF!  (BTW, SAGNOF doesn’t stand for Smoking Ain’t Got No Face if we have any Indonesian toddlers reading.)

Trevor Hoffman – I see he’s been dropped in almost 25% of ESPN leagues.  Here’s the thing, and there is a thing, the Brewers will try to get Hoffman back into the ninth inning.  It’s a long season; he can still save 20 more games this year.

Kerry Wood – Why is he not owned in every league?  All of you can’t be playing in 8 team leagues.  Though I do think I’m probably preaching to choir.  If you read Razzball, you probably own Wood (the player) and Perez, so carry on.  Or carry on your head if you’re Jamaican.

Zach Braddock – More of an NL-Only, keeper or league that uses middle reliever pickup.  His stuff makes nasty say, “Damn.”

Neil Walker – Yeah, this guy’s the bee’s knees.  Meaning of course, bee’s don’t have knees and you probably shouldn’t have Neil Walker either.  In NL-Only leagues, this pickup is a’ight.

Chris Iannetta – Just went over him in a roundup.  Want more?  Read what I just wrote.

Carlos Santana – Now I’d grab him.  Do I expect the second coming of Mike Piazza?  No.  I also don’t expect Darrell Porter, Male Escort.  Ad nauseam I’ve been saying if you want to know how much you can get from The Supernatural catcher look at Matt Wieters last year, or even this year.  In the end, Santana is still a catcher so don’t cut anyone too great for him.

Felipe Lopez – If it ain’t good ol’ Felopezian sucking from the productive teet.  I don’t expect Lopez to have immense value, but then again how’s EverCab treating you?

Rickie Weeks – To answer that small man in the back of your brain that keeps whispering bad thoughts, yes, I like Weeks better than Felipe Lopez.

Trevor Crowe – He has some speed, but no matter how faceless steals are I wouldn’t grab Crowe outside of AL-Only leagues.

Luis Durango – While Crowe is an AL-Only SAGNOF’er, Durango can be mixed league material if he gets every day playing time because he will run more.  I mean, that is his one contribution.

Jose Lopez – I know he’s been badder than bad so far, but, and this is a big “but” with J. Lo, for the last two years, he hasn’t started hitting until June.  Otherwise known as next week.

Hisanori Takahashi – Might not be a long term pickup, but worth grabbing for his start vs. the Padres and then taking it from there.  So I like him, but not completely gung ho, which is also the number one massage parlor in Japan.

Brandon Morrow – His K/9 is 11.70, his men left on base and BABIP have both been unlucky.  His FIP is below 4.  Morrow’s a man of constant sorrow.  So what’s the downside?  His walks are Follie Perez bad.  Worth a shot in certain leagues where you’re thirsty for Ks and can spare the WHIP.

Jorge de la Rosa – Seeing people drop him in some leagues.  Well, better for you astute Razzball reader because he’s coming back by mid to late-June.  Astute Razzball reader, “What should we expect from him?”  I thought you were the astute one.

SELL

Chris Tillman – You want a rookie pitcher?  Try John Ely.  He’s in the NL and faces the Giants, Diamondhacks and Padres.

Alex Rios – In the top five on ESPN’s Player Rater are Ubaldo, Braun, Vlad, Rios and Longoria.  Vlad may not belong in that select group, but at least he’s getting value from hitting homers, which is something he can do.  Rios is the bigger sore thumb.  His homers are sky high for him, literally.  He’s never stole more than 32 bases before and his career high in homers is 24.  At some point, the Rios we all know and despise will return with a turd nugget.  I wouldn’t trade him for a dinner-date with your senile Aunt Lucy, but I’d explore trades.

Tim Hudson – Before yesterday’s game, he had 27 Ks and 25 walks, his men left on base has been absurd, his BABIP is silly and his team isn’t exactly the pillar of good support.  I’m not sure if anyone’s buying Hudson for anything on his own, but he might put another deal over the top.  Your leaguemate, “I don’t know if I want to trade Prince to you for F-Her.  Maybe we can just be friends.”  You, “How about I throw in Tim Hudson and I’ll let you hold me afterwards?”