Fantasy Baseball Advice

Oh, the Memorial Day weekend is here, subtle rejoice.  It is officially the start to the season of way too tight Affliction t-shirts that are monikered in glitter and shirts that are sold in the three-pack variety.  What could be better than that, I’ll tell you what.  A horse drawn fruit cart. Like back in the old days.  I mean, who doesn’t like daily fresh produce conveniently delivered, or, in this case, walked past your door.  I mean, just thinking of that makes me want to get some mush melon and maybe some prosciutto, sit outside and play click clack in my aforementioned assemblage of t-shirts.  So everyone is probably out at a bbq and not even reading this as its a big going out weekend, but if you are here thanks for being dedicated and taking 10 minutes to read this.  Have a great holiday weekend and if you’re going to drink, be responsible and at least bring me one while your up. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)

One Start Options:

5/30

Bruce Chen @ Cle – Gomez

Anthony Bass @ CHC – Dempster

6/1

Wei-Yin Chen @ TB – Price

Mike Leake @ Hou – Happ

Derek Lowe vs Min – Pavano

Felipe Paulino vs Oak – Colon

Clayton Richard vs Ari – Miley

Two Start Options:

Zach McCallister (KC vs Adcock, Min vs Diamond) In some weird parallel universe that is saved by the bell, Zach pitches against his geeky friend Screech.  No word on if Jessie is going to be “so excited” or if Mr. Belding will throw out the first pitch.

Bronson Arroyo (@Pit vs McDonald, @Hou vs Harrell) Ugh really has it been three weeks already.  Ok I will find something useful for you to ponder if you want to pick him up….took me awhile so enjoy this gem. He has given up zero runs on the road during a day game, and you don’t have to check -  both games are during the day.

Drew Hutchinson (Bal vs Arrieta, Bos vs Bard) Those dreaded starts against the AL East, I shake my fist at thee.  I am going to hunt down Mrs. AL East and torment here for not being more green on the fantasy environment.

Travis Wood (SD vs Suppan, @SF vs Zito) I’m actually curious to see if Wood can carve out some NL-only or deeper league value by the end of next week.  It’s possible; I mean it’s also possible I turn into a sea horse and am forced to give birth to other sea horses.

Juan Nicasio (Hou vs Rodriguez, LAD vs Harang) His name loosely translated means WHIP-tard.  So by burying your periphs he can say its just part of family tradition and he can’t be held accountable.

Felix Doubront (Det vs Fister, @Tor ve Drabek) Is in the top 7 in K/9, unfortunately he hands out free passes like a guy on the Vegas strip handing out business cards to Spearmint Rhino.

Scott Diamond (Oak vs TBD, @Cle vs McCallister) I would be nervous against the TBD starter that Oakland has to throw out there.  Could be anyone really – Rollie Fingers, that guy Henter from Bases Loaded, or that barista guy from your local coffee house.  This week’s number one option has to be this guy, right?

Jake Arrieta (Tor vs Hutchinson, @TB vs Moore) Way too hittable and gives up too many big flies for my liking.  The frog from frog bog doesn’t agree.  So even imaginary amphibians are fantasy baseball critics.  Just proving the point that they will let anyone evaluate stats.

Kevin Millwood (@Tex vs Harrison, @CHW vs Sale) One.  Count ‘em one earned run in the last 3 starts spanning 22 innings.  He is owned in less then 5% of leagues.  To me that makes complete sense, because Clay Buchholz is owned in over 40%…. wait huh?  Has been a streamer delight so far, now you can get him for a 2 for 1 special.  I’d rather use my coupons elsewhere, but you do what you do.

Aaron Harang (Mil vs Marcum, @Col vs Nicasio) Always has a mug on his face like he is currently doing the cinnamon challenge.  Just an FYI – do not try the cinnamon challenge; it usually ends up like dollar beer happy hour.

I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy.  His FIP really isn’t bad.  He just always seems to have one bad inning.  His numbers with men in scoring position:  .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on.  But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum.  I’m not sticking my neck out for him!  He smokes marijuana!  Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about!  How’s dem apples?  Mildly delicious!  You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right?  Forget him!  We’re through talking about him.  We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls.  “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?”  “Never, Billy.”  That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard.  It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses.  American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it.  But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough?  Forget Lincecum!  We’re not talking about him.  We are talking about Roy Oswalt.  Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone.  I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter.  But what about Lincecum?!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old.  I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T.  While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks.  What?  Terrible?

Zack Cozart – I left a special place next to my no-no area just for Cozart.  Glad to have you back, now please hit 4 homers this weekend.  Thank you!

Alexi Amarista – I could’ve put Everth Cabrera here, and, I kinda just did.  Small booya with a side of you’re welcome.

Ernesto Frieri – I went over my Ernesto Frieri fantasy yesterday.  If you look at Frieri from the back, he looks like Anne Burrell.

Tyler Clippard – Here’s what I think happened.  Davey Johnson realized about a month and a half ago he should’ve went with Clippard as his closer as soon as Storen was hurt.  Everyone said it should be Clippard.  On March 23rd, I said, “In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Rather than admitting he goofed, Davey went with Rodriguez long enough so everyone would forget that Clippard was the option everyone said he should go with originally.

James Russell – A)  The Cubs don’t get save chances.  B) Marmol will return and probably shoved back in the role even if he’s hot garbage again.  C) There’s no C.  No foolin’ here, don’t own Russell outside of very deep leagues.

R.A. Dickey – I don’t like knuckleballing, not because I’m worried it’ll make you go blind, but the pitchers don’t always have control over the pitch.  You start a knuckleballer and the wind is wrong and he gives up 4 runs in the 1st inning.  With that said (here’s where I reverse course), Dickey’s pitching about as well as anyone.

Ryan Vogelsong – Have I been playing down Vogelsong by calling him the equivalent of elevator music because of his lack of excitement, while putting his value to sleep?  Look up his ERA and WHIP, now look at the last man on your staff.  Ah, Simon never said to do that.

Felipe Paulino – You know what his name translates to?  Phil Paul, the (Fielding) Independent pitcher of a 2.01, 10+ K-rate and who only 9% of the population is interested in.  No idea why.  So I’m stumped and stumping.

Anthony Bass – I told you to grab him in April, but I don’t know anything, right?  Okay, if you answered in the affirmative and affirmative means what I think it does, then what are you doing reading this?  Killing time in a doctor’s office?  Your PO forcing you to read it?

Felix Doubront – Hey, it’s the guy that wrote Shawshank!  Very cool.  I wonder if Stephen King recruited him.  Probably not, but I still wonder.  I’m a wonderer, a wonderer… Okay, so I trust Doubront as far as I can throw him, but since he’s 165 pounds I can probably shot put him about five feet — I got guns!  In a sea of blech, as the Red Sox should call their staff, Doubront has strung together some solid starts and has a K-rate over 9 and a xFIP of 3.58.  His walks look like they crawled through a river of filth, but I’d give him a chance in mixed leagues.

Anthony Rizzo – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s at 2% owned.  Hey, we’re the two percenters!

Matt Adams – Did anyone get our title the other day, “Cards Call Up M. Adams, Hopin’ To Get Lucky?”  M. Adams = madams.  Isn’t it fun when I spell shizz out four days later?  That post is still poppin’ fresh like the Doughboy, who Adams looks like, so there’s my Matt Adams fantasy.

Yan Gomes – You know there’s a Gomes out there with the first name Jahnee.  And there’s probably an Ohnny too.  Yanny has nice power, and could hit a trunkload of homers, because all Blue Jays seem capable of that.

Josh Bell - I’m curious to see Josh Bell over the course of a full season, because I think he could strikeout 275 times.  On a related note, who’s the Diamondbacks’ minor league hitting coach, Dave Kingman?  Bell does have an everyday job and some pop.  I grabbed him in one league, FWIWuertz.

Xavier Avery – I told you to pick him up last week.  Don’t make me go back there!

Daniel Nava – In today’s meeting of non-beNava’rs, we will be reading from Christopher Hitchens unpublished manuscript, A-Gon Is Not Great.

SELL

Rafael Furcal – His BABIP over the last few years is .296.  His BABIP this year is .373.  His expected average is .273.  Maybe you’re asking yourself if I do such complex math in my head or on my Casio calculator watch?  Neither, friend.  It’s on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  Also, Furcal breaks down because he has old man legs.  So Will Be Gimpy + Inflated Average = A Toothless B.J. Upton.  Whoa!  That was not what I expected.  It was supposed to add up to Sell.

Edwin Encarnacion – Edwin’s expected average is around what his average is now, so that’s copacetic.  You know what else is copacetic?  The word copacetic.  Has there ever been a word that fit so perfectly it’s meaning.  The cop is on the settee, you crazy Chinookers.  One thing that isn’t copacetic, Edwin Encarnacion.  Do the Blue Jays have a sign on their door that says, “Bring us your unwanted third basemen and we’ll turn them into homer machines?”  Right now, Edwin’s hitting everything in the air and all of it is going out of the park.  Ground out much?  No, no he doesn’t.  Line drive much?  Nopacetic.  At this point, we have to assume 30 homers from him.  He’s got 14 with 117 games to go.  I’m not going to try any math because of what happened in the last blurb, but it looks like you have a guy that has nearly half of his homers already and still a ton of games.  I wouldn’t sell him for an evening with Richard Simmons, but I’d explore options.

Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay.  The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs.  Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles.  Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down.  I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  What, horsemeat?  Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby!  24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.

Austin Jackson – While he mends his strained abdominal — he’s the Abdominal Strainman! — Quintin Berry should see some time in Jackson’s stead.  Yesterday, he went 1-for-3.  Too bad Quintin Berry doesn’t play for the Royals.  Or that his name isn’t Dan with the middle name Quintin.  You’re still alive in our hearts, Quiz!  I’m gonna eat a submarine sandwich for you.  Berry likes to run.  In fact, I’ll call him, HeRun.  In Triple-A, he had 19 steals in 39 games.  In AL-Only leagues, HeRun isn’t much more than a flyer for speed.  The darker the Berry, the sweeter the SAGNOF!  In mixed leagues, you can do better.  Look at me showing confidence in you.  I’m like your Dad on opposite day.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Justin Masterson (7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.)  It was a game that was all about Justin your instincts.  Sorry, my pun muscle is a little Justy.  Must be because I’ve been fencing at my gym rather than joustin’.  For Masterson, it’s all about adJustin’.  Or re-adJustin, if you dropped him.  His luck shows a guy that was dealing with a bit of injustice.  Is he the meow’s cat?  Nah, that’s unJustinfied.  He could be a back end starter on deeper mixed leagues without an unJustinly amount of Ks.  Not remotely Verlander though, he’s the master, son.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitting leadoff seems to be working for Choo as he hit his 3rd HR of the year off Verlander.  He’ll probably find a way to go 20/20 out of sheer habit like Bobby Abreu used to.  In a lot of superficial ways (decent stats, kind of boring), these two seem really similar.  Maybe we’ll start calling Shin-Soo-Kabrechu.

John Danks – To the DL with left shoulder soreness.  That might explain why he’s been terrible.  In fact, maybe it’s been lingering since 2010.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  If an impatient owner (like me) stupidly (still me) dropped him (that’s what I did), I’d grab him.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th homer.  If you’re gonna own him, it looks like there’s going to be 0-for-24 slumps scattered amongst his homers.

Brian McCann – Out for the third straight day.  Sounds like he caught something.

Michael Bourn – 1-for-4 as he homered again yesterday for his third in the series.  This gives me an idea.  How about all players that weigh 170 pounds and under can use an aluminum bat?  Then before each AB, players can weigh-in like a wrestling match.  “Too many sunflowers seeds, Bourjos, grab some wood!”  “Prince Fielder’s out for two weeks for Lap-Band surgery, but when he returns watch out!” and finally “Juan Pierre homers!”

Randall Delgado – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Looked a lot better than his line indicates, but even if your league has an “Appearances” category, I’m not sure this is what they have in mind.

Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and 5th homer as he played third base for Chipper, who the Reds honored during their pregame show because it was the last time he’d be playing in Cincy.  Classy move as they gave Chipper an artificial hip.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There should be a Vegas bet where you bet whether Bailey will go 6 innings and give up 2 earned or if he’ll go less than 4 innings and give up four plus runs.  Those seem like the only lines he ever gives.

Logan Ondrusek – Got his second save last night because Aroldis had worked the night before.  I wouldn’t own the whole Reds’ bullpen, but this could be a semi-frequent occurrence.  Dusty hates fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).

Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 with a grand slam.  Thursdays are a fun day for 2 catcher leagues, huh?

Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  The best of the Flying Molina Brothers came out yesterday — Alfred Molina, “Excuse me, I could catch AND do improvisation theater.”  Yadier had been like half a mummy since his oven-roasted April, but this could be a sign he’s turning it on again, facing Blanton certainly didn’t hurt.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs.  Another guy that took a fortnight siesta, but his bat woke up on Wednesday and now has two homers in the last two games.

Ty Wiggington – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  He’s here now.  Wiggy rarely hits just one and done, and he’s probably out there in a ton of leagues, so if you need a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), go for it.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, now hitting .366.  Elsewhere, Konerko homered and went 2-for-4 to raise his average to .384, David Wright homered and raised his average to .405, and Tony Gwynn just hit 415 on the scale.

Austin Kearns – His hamstring injury could mean Gaby Sanchez’s return from Triple-A on the first day he’s eligible, which also happens to be the day the Marlins are giving away Gaby t-shirts to the first 15,000 fans.  That’s like breaking up with your girlfriend on February 13th and getting back together on February 15th.  Anthony Rizzo may want to consider having 15,000 Rizzo t-shirts given away on June 1st.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Such a frustrating start.  Pagan drove in three runs on broken bat hits, a botched rundown that could’ve wiped out one run, a passed ball that was ruled a wild pitch was another run, a blooper by Belt for another run… Basically, Anibal gave up one well hit ball.

Emilio Bonifacio – Who has one good thumb and likes to steal bases?  This Bonifacio!  Looks like Emilio won’t be throwing any air punches for the next four to six weeks.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals, batting .340.  Bonifacio who?!  Emilio.  I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s an expression.  ‘Bonifacio who’ is an expression?  Forget it.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a steal.  If there’s anyone out there who believes Melky is a .362 hitter, I’d sell him Melky and anything else you got lying around the house that you might not want.

Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he homered yesterday.  Hey, does he weigh under 170 pounds?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 2 homers and third in three games.  Justin the nick of time!… Okay, I’m done.  Morneau should be owned, shoot, he’s doing better than Ryan Zimmerman. (<–saying nothing!)

Ike Davis – Mets told Ike he definitely won’t be going to the minors.  They had one of their doctors tell him though, since they’re never accurate.  Yesterday, he sat for Veal Rottino.  At least that’s what I think the V. stood for in the box score.

Jeremy Hefner – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  No grotto for you tonight!

Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  What’s this week’s Creeper not doing?  You should thank FtA for the tip of the week.

Eric Stults – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Everth Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs and EverCab got the Heartspark Stealsign.  Honestly, I think this is more hits than he had combined over his entire career.

Yoenis Cespedes – Changing his bat grip so he can return from the DL.  He used to nestle the knob, which might’ve caused the muscle strain.  I’d say!  Nestling knobs in the palm of your hand?  That’s the kind of thing you want to keep on the DL, Yoenis.  In related news, Brian Dozier is upset Thome is no longer in Minnesota as his dream growing up was to play with his Jimmy and the Twins.

Billy Butler (and his milkshake) brings all the balls to go yard. This year, for the first time in his career, he’s hit his eighth home run before June. Butler has been a perennial candidate to experience a spike in homers because he consistently ranks among the league leaders in hitting doubles, with at least 44 in each of the last three years. Unfortunately, those doubles have not become homers at a higher rate, evidenced by his career high 21 homers and a career 10% HR/FB that ranks him alongside teammate Jeff Francoeur. To contrast, this year he’s managed an HR/FB over 18%, which is responsible for him posting an .876 OPS due to the increase in slugging. His plate discipline appears to be suffering but, despite a decreased walk rate, his OBP is on par with his .360 career average. Moving forward, a key determinant of his OPS performance will be his HR/FB. The average true distance of his eight home runs is roughly 400 feet, which is a negative sign because he averaged above 405 feet every previous season and averaged nearly 415 feet in 2011. Yes this is a small sample, but I’m skeptical of him realizing any sustainable power increase. Furthermore, three of his eight homers wouldn’t have left his home park, compared to only two of his nineteen home runs having the same fate in 2011. For the rest of the season, I don’t expect improvement upon last year’s line of .360/.460/.820. At first base or designated hitter, that’s nothing special. You’ve built me up Billy, but don’t break my heart.

Hanley Ramirez claims to be a big fan of 50 Cent, whose last album Before I Self Destruct was released in 2009. Oddly enough, 2009 was the last year Hanley has posted one of his .940+ OPS seasons. Since then, his OPS has declined: .853 in 2010, .712 in 2011, and .765 in 2012. This 2010-2011 trend appears to be related to a decreased line drive rate and fly ball rate, with an increased ground ball rate. This year’s he’s started hitting more fly balls and less ground balls, resulting in a rise in home runs. One positive factor is that his .275 BABIP, which he also had last year, should increase. However, since he isn’t hitting line drives like he used to, he may not see it increase much above .300. Additionally, his .192 ISO is encouraging (he has a .200 career ISO) and suggests that he may be able to maintain his power. For the rest of 2012, I think he will be able to approach a .350/.475/.825 line. At shortstop, that is almost certainly one of the top three and may only trail Tulowitzki. At third base in OPS leagues, Hanley will be closer to a borderline top five option.

Albert Pujols has an OPS below .600. I’ve heard analysts talk about how he’s struggling to adjust to American League pitchers, how there are questions about his age, and even how they would trade Pujols for Konerko. As somebody who has Albert in more than one league, I understand that it’s been frustrating to own him this year, but I’m not ready to give up hope: Pujols isn’t dead yet. In fact, his batted ball profile is in line with what I’d expect, except for his insanely low HR/FB of 6.9%. This is a clear indication of some bad luck, and I expect him approach the 18.3% rate he’s had over the last two years. Another source of bad luck is his .225 BABIP, which will definitely improve. One potential concern is his lack of walks, but I’m willing to pass this off as a sign of him pressing at the plate rather than a sudden loss of ability. Over the rest of the season, I believe that last year’s line of .360/.540/.900 is his baseline, with upside for more is he can turn things around quickly.

Adam Jones realizes that if he keeps this up, he will be able to achieve the dream of every Orioles player: leaving the Orioles. After never attaining an OPS above .800, Jones is now over .950 this season. The strange thing is that I am not finding any significant changes in his plate discipline or his batted ball profile. The only factor that is an obvious outlier is his 26.4% HR/FB. Last year he had a 16.7% HR/FB and his career high is a 17.8%, so it is reasonable to expect 20% to be his ceiling for the rest of 2012. In terms of home runs, he should be able to approach 30, seeing as he already has 14 on the year. I predict a line of .320/.480/.800 for the rest of the season, which captures some extra slugging relative to his career rate and his typical lack of OBP.

Carlos Beltran’s owners shouldn’t be concerned whether he will continue to produce. The only red flag is that his HR/FB will definitely decrease but, aside from that factor, his batted ball statistics are in line with his career norms. His walk rate and strikeout rate are higher than usual, but I see this as a combination of him trying to swing more since he is consistently homering as well as pitchers more inclined to avoid him. With some regression, it would be fair to expect close to his 2011 line of .380/.520/.900 over the rest of the season. The only caveat is that his health may cause him to miss games. However, while on the field, he will continue to be a great outfielder in OPS leagues.

Ernesto Frieri got the save yesterday in the 11th inning, but Downs came on in the 9th in a tie game.  On one hand, teams hold back their closer in a tie game in away games, in case they get the lead.  On the other hand, sometimes whoever pitches the ninth is the closer.  On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a doorknob, maybe Downs just came in to face two lefties and stayed in for Gomes.  On a fourth lesser known hand that is actually a hand spraypainted onto a dolphin, there is no fourth lesser known hand spraypainted onto a dolphin; c’mon, man, that’s just cruel.  On a fifth lesser known hand that is actually a giant hand-shaped pinata, The Sciosciapath is managing all of this, so if he sees Frieri get the save, Frieri could be the man.  If Frieri is out there, I’d grab him.  I still think Downs is in the mix.  Walden’s droppable outside of deep leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Marco Estrada – To the DL with a right hip flexor injury.  Chubby Checker just shuddered.

Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  If Lucroy’s a New Orleans name, I’m drinking the Bourbon!  If Lucroy’s a French name, I’m kissing his momma cause I like cougars!  If Lucroy is short for Lucuriousgeorge, then call me a monkey!  Oh, and I like Lucroy.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.38.  Sure, he was facing a struggling offensive team in a hitter’s park… But other than the Rangers, that’s his entire division.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  On Tuesday, the Pirates were beat by Dickey, and the day before they beat Johan (though those seem reversed in more than one way).  Yesterday, the Pirates lost by a nose.  If you throw out The Nose’s two worst starts, he has a 2-something ERA.  What’s that, you can’t throw out those starts?  Tell your leaguemates fiddle faddle, I gave you permission.  In the preseason, I liked Niese, and still do.  Solid Ks, and looks like a number five to six fantasy starter.  Then from the side, he looks like a 2.  Get another nose job, man!

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  Better hang onto your hatwitzki, Tulo’s about to take his owners for a ride of about 15 homers in the next month, which will end in a 15-day DL stint.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in Tampa Bay.  Hopefully, he does better when he returns on June 2nd.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, tying Ryan Zimmerman’s last two years combined.  I will now take Morpheus’s blue pill.

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.72.  On April 12th, I compared Millwood to Bartolo, saying, “You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Going into yesterday’s game, Millwood had a 4.17 ERA; Colon had 4.09.  Colon has 38 Ks, Millwood has 37.  Colon’s WHIP 1.28; Millwood’s 1.29.  For my next trick, I will pull Ryan Zimmerman’s head out of his ass.

Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  He hadn’t done anything since his 2 homer game, so I dropped Frazier and didn’t even say cheers, but I still like him as a corner man for power in deep leagues if you can handle the low average.

Daniel Bard – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Bard outside of AL-Only leagues.  Grey Albright:  The Chancellor of the Enthusiasm Chequer.

Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s worth picking up, but he’s nothing but a hot schmotato.  Sorry, I’m a non-beNava’r.  Ouch!  Sorry, just hurt myself trying to squeeze that one in.

Alfredo Aceves – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, his 11th save while lowering his ERA to 4.15.  Some of his owners who dropped him after his horrendous April are screaming, “‘Fredo, you betrayed me!”

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I know exactly how the Red Sox feel today.  Last week I picked up Brian Dozier and that day he hit a home run.  Yay!  Then he went 0-for-a-week.  Don’t revel in it, Red Sox, it wears off.

Nick Johnson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Or 3 homers by Scott Podsednick Johnson, if you play in a Sniglet league.

Xavier Avery – 2-for-5 with a steal.  I’m guessing Xavery is gonna be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  We’ll have to wait to see what Pre-Holiday Weekend Grey’s got in store.

Matt Wieters – 0-for-1 as he sat out.  His average is down to .238.  Yikes, someone call The Roto Rooter Man, Wieters’s doodie has clogged up my roto teams.

Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Andy’s having a much better time over the last few weeks than his former comroidre.  I wonder if they video chat.  “Roger?” “Please call me Rocket.”  And they talk about needles and shizz.  On a side note, I was talking to a friend yesterday and her roommate, who is a guy, was video chatting with another dude.  Is that gay?  There’s nothing wrong with it, if it is.  But is it?  I mean, I don’t need to see my guy friends even when they’re in the same room as me.  Matter of fact, I prefer it that way.  Talk to me while you watch TV; we are all good.  And…tangent!  So, Pettitte’s been better than I expected since his return.  He’s also faced the Reds (terrible vs. lefties), the Royals and the M’s.  The Royals aren’t hideous, but I still don’t trust him.  His ballpark isn’t good, his division’s tough and he wasn’t even any good when he retired.  Now he’s good?  I ain’t buying in mixed leagues.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now, A-Rod is definitely a guy-on-guy video chatter.

Brett Gardner – Had a setback with his elbow and won’t hit off a tee until Monday.  How’d this go from a minor 15-day DL stint to we’re probably not seeing him for two months total?  Jesus Monterochrist!

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4 and a steal (which is actually impressive vs. Pettitte).  This proves my theory.  All some players need is me berating them.  Now, get it, Hosmer.  Get it!

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  We ended our month and a half torrid relationship yesterday.  I might’ve been so annoyed with Big Z, that I dumped Lynn, but I don’t regret it.  With 11 baserunners, he was lucky to only give up 3 earned.  If you don’t have better options on waivers, I’d bench him for his next start.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  Ten more than Pujols.  Cust crazy.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs as he hit cleanup.  After the game, Maddon was asked what he’s thinking with the lineup card.  He said, “When I think Drew Sutton, I think Don Sutton.  When I think Don Sutton, I picture how his afro was so beautifully salt-and-pepper.  When I think salt-and-pepper, I think about mashed potatoes.  When I think about mashed potatoes, I think of the mess I make when I start mashing.  When I think of that mess from mashing, I think of the cleanup.  So when I think of Drew Sutton, I think of mashing at cleanup.”  When asked why Carlos Pena at leadoff, he replied, “Good OBP.”

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  If Shields was in the NL, I’d be on him like white on the albino kid who was in my 10th grade homeroom.  He seared his image on my retinas!  Does my bias against Shields make any sense, i.e., is he terrible against his AL East opponents?  Nah.  But at least I admit when I’m sitting on a bias angle.

Will Venable – 3-for-5 and a triple short of a cycle.  He was this week’s Creeper.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Was he due for a blow up or is it because I picked him up for this start?  Probably the latter.  FMFBBL.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Nats.  After the game, Hamels said he wanted to teach Bryce Harper basic math so he let him go 1-for-3.  Figure out your batting average now, punk!

Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 hits), 6 Ks vs. the Twins.  Luckily, that closer experiment only lasted 36 hours and his elbow problems only lasted 72 hours.  I’m not joking when I say sometimes I think I know too much.  Say you owned Sale and were in Fiji for the last three weeks.  After you were done visiting Superfly’s birth home, you’d return to see Chris Sale threw another great start, just like you left him.  Could’ve Magoo’d Sale the whole time and had no stress.  Eh, what fun is that?  Fantasy Baseball:  When there’s not enough stress in my real life.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura officially named Reed the closer.  He said he read on the internet that Reed was the closer for the last two weeks, and it sounded like a good idea.

Alex Rios – Homered last night.  If you’re wondering why, it’s cause I just dropped him.  That’s why.  No other reason.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what Wandy’s ERA is.  Don’t Google it.  Guess.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches butt, taps finger, stirs coffee with different finger*  His ERA is 2.14!

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs.  He got ice cold for a while (hitting below .150 in May), but last night might be a sign he’s coming around.  Definitely would watch him.

J.J. Putz – Gibson confirmed that Putz was still their closer.  That means the over/under for him losing the job is at 4 days.

Krispie Young – Diamondbacks are saying they might’ve rushed him back, so they let him watch from the bench yesterday as they scored 11 runs.  Holy sit!

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, facing his old team, the Mariners.  He obviously hit this homer just to say, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Torii Hunter – Should return early next week.  I bet he regrets teaching his kid the importance of dotting both I’s.