Fantasy Baseball Advice

Diamond is widely acknowledged as the most successful Fantasy Baseball Pick-up Artist in the world – applying the methods of female seduction to the art of winning fantasy baseball league championships.  He travels cyberspace with his wing Saber, teaching those who play fantasy baseball how to be fantasy baseball players.

I am not a brilliant baseball statistician.  I do not spend hours upon hours combing the Internet for fantasy baseball news or advice.  I do not spend much time watching baseball on TV.  But what I do is win fantasy baseball leagues.  Auction leagues.  Draft leagues.  One-year leagues.  Keeper leagues.  It doesn’t matter – I win them all.

I’m sure you are reading this and laughing.  You may be thinking “Who does this dufus with the wizard hat think he is?”  I’ll tell you – I am a Master Fantasy Baseball Pick-up Artist.

I realize you are skeptical.  All I can do is share my wisdom.  Share my method.  It is up to you whether you use it.

For my first post, I will focus on the importance of one’s fantasy baseball Avatar in online leagues.    An Avatar is the image you project to your leaguemates.  It should not be mistaken for the cartoon images in video games and instant messengers.  It is more than that.  It is every interaction point you make with your leaguemates – particularly in the beginning of the season.

Your first interaction point is your online name.  What do you use?  Is it something based on your real name?  Is it some mildly amusing nickname you have?

What does this project?  It projects you’re an RTS (RoToSchmo).

This is the Phrase Phase – the time when a Fantasy Baseball Pick-up Artist establishes right from the get-go that he is the alpha-male in the league.  He does this by choosing a name that makes this abundantly clear.  Vivid, non-humorous, emotive names that gain respect:  tigershark, 800lbgorilla, spikes_up_slider, grizzlykilla, etc.   We call this Powerphrasing.

You might be saying to yourself “I’m playing fantasy baseball just for fun” or “I prefer to sneak under the radar” or “That’ll make me sound like a prick”.  That’s your RTS voice talking.  Listen to it if you are content fighting for 5th place every year.  The goal of our Avatar is to communicate power.

The next crucial decision is your visual image.  In many online leagues, you can download a picture.  Some choose to leave this blank.  Some use an animated image.  Some choose a normal picture of themselves.

Again, I ask, what are you trying to project here?  The answer should be….confidence.  You thought I was going to say power, right?  That is our Avatar end goal.  But powerful people don’t need to pose with their biceps flexing or holding a weapon in their hand.  This is what non-powerful, insecure people do to appear powerful.  A truly powerful person is confident.

How does one show confidence?  By wearing a baseball hat.  No.  By wearing a baseball hat backwards.  That’s better but no.  Confidence is wearing something ridiculous like a wizard hat.  Yeah it looks silly but it combines with your PowerPhrase to tells your league mates to say, “Boys, you’re playing for second place.”  We call these confidence-exuding accessories MadProps.  Some people – like my wing Saber – just ooze confidence and don’t require a MadProp.  When in doubt, MadProp it out.

Now how do you best leverage this powerful Avatar you’ve created from your PowerPhrasing and MadProps?  We’ll save that for your next lesson….

With half the 2008 fantasy baseball season in the books, it’s time to take a look back at how fantasy baseball and the world has changed in the last three months. When the fantasy baseball season started…

…Branded the Latin Sandy Koufax, the New York Media fit Johan for a yarmulke.

…Mike Myers was still considered funny.

…I had 2 Facebook friends. I’m up to 3.

…The Cubs had their expectations in check.

…Tomatoes were safe to eat.

…Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey weren’t dating yet.

…Deer meat vs. Clint Barmes was still decidedly in deer meat’s favor.

…Everyone thought the Marlins, the A’s and the Nats would be bad. (Only the Nats didn’t disappoint. Oh, wait, does that mean they did disappoint??? Ugh, brain freeze!)

…Everyone thought the Tigers would win over a 100 games and challenge every offensive record while being led by Miguel Cabrera, who some thought should be handed the MVP trophy in the preseason.

…In related news, Jim Leyland was smoking only two packs a day.

…A gallon of gas was $3.77.

…Edinson Volquez for Josh Hamilton was a trade that bored you at worst, and yawnstipated you at best.

…I had no idea what Turducken was.

…I had a full roll of toilet paper.

…If I told you Grady Sizemore was on pace for 40/40, you’d tell me that was one of the top stories of the year thus far.

…There was hope that the new Indiana Jones movie wouldn’t be a disappointment that was obviously made by two out-of-touch filmmakers that long ago sold their soul for plush toys.

…My use of Cust kayin’ wasn’t stale.

…Eugenio Velez was on three of my teams.

…I had Carlos Ruiz on seven of my teams.

…Jon Rauch was a setup man.

…I hadn’t yet figured out what I was going to be for Halloween. Now I know — I think I might be beat.

…Curtis Granderson was injured, but no one seemed fazed. Pujols was injured and everyone ran the other way.

…George Carlin was still cursing.

…I had an idea to market a Sunday, after-church drink called Blood of Christ-tinis.

We get a lot of comments from fantasy baseball team owners venting their frustration when a trade of theirs is vetoed. So we decided to give our a loyal readers a Mad Libs-type tirade to post on their league’s messageboard. As we like to say, when met with pettiness, attack with more pettiness. Simply copy the below wherever you need it and fill in the appropriate words. You may use this post to antagonize your closest friends, enemies or frenemies with the express written consent of Razzball.com. Also, feel free to post your version in the comments. You’re welcome.

To Those That Vetoed My Trade,

Hi, (Name) here. Just wanted to state my thoughts on the trade veto of (Player(s) Trading Away) for (Player(s) Getting). I contemplated not addressing the veto. I figured asking the league to read something that wasn’t written in crayon would be (adverb) impossible. But if nothing else, some of you could you use this post to practice your reading comprehension. It’s not too late for that GED!

Contrary to your (adjective) claims about the unfairness of the trade, I did not collude with the other manager. We were simply trying to do what was best for our respective teams. I was surprised the trade was vetoed. I didn’t think most of you would have time for that with your busy schedules of collecting a complete (noun) set and (verb) your sister. Only a (number)-year-old guy who lives in his Mommy’s basement and eats hard candy like an addict freebases (drug) would have the time to worry about whether a fantasy baseball trade was fair. Alas, I overestimated all of you.

Well, doucetards, I got an idea. How about you (plural derogatory name) get together and trade war secrets about the best way to do nothing with your (adjective) lives? You know, discuss the quickest excuse to get your Mommy to wash your (noun). For example, “Subway has an opening to spin a sign on the street corner, but I need a (noun) that doesn’t have (an ice cream topping) smeared all over it.” Or you (plural derogatory name) can discuss what’s the best way to shove a (vegetable) up your (body part).

Lastly, if any of (plural derogatory name) respond in a critical way, I’d imagine you will sit there refreshing your browser waiting for my reply, so I’ll save you the time and respond right now, “Even without the trade, I will still beat you so bad you will finally know what it’s like to lose your virginity.”

The (expletive adjective) Guy Who (expletive verb) Your Mother Harder Than George Bush (expletive verb) This Country,

(Name)

P.S. Here’s hoping you and your sister spawn a/an (animal) that has (number) eyes and a cleft palette.

First, I must tip my yacht cap to Josh, the Non-blogger, who gave me the inspiration for this post. (At least I think it was Josh, but I’m not sure because the team name was changed recently. Why do people change their name after a month of the season? This makes things very confusing for standings and trades and… Wait, this was supposed to be a tip of the hat.) So Josh (I think) posted a thread to the messageboard in our Razzball league, “You know you’re doing a pretty good job when.” Well, I Razz’d it up a little and tried to turn it into something more people would want to read than just the suckers in our league. Feel free to add some of your own in the comments (I know you will anyway, cause Razzball has the best commenters. Take that, other fantasy sites.) So without further ado, you know your team sucks when:

–Your number one starter is Sidney Ponson.

–You’ve already traded Johan Santana for Cameron Maybin because of his keeper value.

–Your team doesn’t reach the minimum innings pitched per week of 1.

–You list your available players as “Bronson Arroyo” and immediately wonder if you can afford to lose him.

–You post your needs as Avg/Runs/Steals/Home Runs/RBIs/Wins/ERA/WHIPS/Ks/Saves.

–You say everyone on your team is available for trade even Cristian Guzman.

–Someone asks you to throw another player into a trade and you offer Scott Hatteberg.

–You keep telling yourself your home runs aren’t in bad shape because Juan Pierre can chip in one or two.

–You offer Todd Jones in a trade and you’re legitimately worried that if you lose him, your Ks might take a hit.

–You read box scores and cry.

–You tell anyone in your league that will listen, “Oh, yeah, I have lots of other teams. I don’t care about this one at all.”

–You have Gallardo, Pedro and Rich Hill and you’re counting out every five days and starting them as if nothing is wrong.

–You turn your computer monitor upside down so your team’s in first.