Fantasy Baseball Advice

We get a lot of comments from fantasy baseball team owners venting their frustration when a trade of theirs is vetoed. So we decided to give our a loyal readers a Mad Libs-type tirade to post on their league’s messageboard. As we like to say, when met with pettiness, attack with more pettiness. Simply copy the below wherever you need it and fill in the appropriate words. You may use this post to antagonize your closest friends, enemies or frenemies with the express written consent of Razzball.com. Also, feel free to post your version in the comments. You’re welcome.

To Those That Vetoed My Trade,

Hi, (Name) here. Just wanted to state my thoughts on the trade veto of (Player(s) Trading Away) for (Player(s) Getting). I contemplated not addressing the veto. I figured asking the league to read something that wasn’t written in crayon would be (adverb) impossible. But if nothing else, some of you could you use this post to practice your reading comprehension. It’s not too late for that GED!

Contrary to your (adjective) claims about the unfairness of the trade, I did not collude with the other manager. We were simply trying to do what was best for our respective teams. I was surprised the trade was vetoed. I didn’t think most of you would have time for that with your busy schedules of collecting a complete (noun) set and (verb) your sister. Only a (number)-year-old guy who lives in his Mommy’s basement and eats hard candy like an addict freebases (drug) would have the time to worry about whether a fantasy baseball trade was fair. Alas, I overestimated all of you.

Well, doucetards, I got an idea. How about you (plural derogatory name) get together and trade war secrets about the best way to do nothing with your (adjective) lives? You know, discuss the quickest excuse to get your Mommy to wash your (noun). For example, “Subway has an opening to spin a sign on the street corner, but I need a (noun) that doesn’t have (an ice cream topping) smeared all over it.” Or you (plural derogatory name) can discuss what’s the best way to shove a (vegetable) up your (body part).

Lastly, if any of (plural derogatory name) respond in a critical way, I’d imagine you will sit there refreshing your browser waiting for my reply, so I’ll save you the time and respond right now, “Even without the trade, I will still beat you so bad you will finally know what it’s like to lose your virginity.”

The (expletive adjective) Guy Who (expletive verb) Your Mother Harder Than George Bush (expletive verb) This Country,

(Name)

P.S. Here’s hoping you and your sister spawn a/an (animal) that has (number) eyes and a cleft palette.

First, I must tip my yacht cap to Josh, the Non-blogger, who gave me the inspiration for this post. (At least I think it was Josh, but I’m not sure because the team name was changed recently. Why do people change their name after a month of the season? This makes things very confusing for standings and trades and… Wait, this was supposed to be a tip of the hat.) So Josh (I think) posted a thread to the messageboard in our Razzball league, “You know you’re doing a pretty good job when.” Well, I Razz’d it up a little and tried to turn it into something more people would want to read than just the suckers in our league. Feel free to add some of your own in the comments (I know you will anyway, cause Razzball has the best commenters. Take that, other fantasy sites.) So without further ado, you know your team sucks when:

–Your number one starter is Sidney Ponson.

–You’ve already traded Johan Santana for Cameron Maybin because of his keeper value.

–Your team doesn’t reach the minimum innings pitched per week of 1.

–You list your available players as “Bronson Arroyo” and immediately wonder if you can afford to lose him.

–You post your needs as Avg/Runs/Steals/Home Runs/RBIs/Wins/ERA/WHIPS/Ks/Saves.

–You say everyone on your team is available for trade even Cristian Guzman.

–Someone asks you to throw another player into a trade and you offer Scott Hatteberg.

–You keep telling yourself your home runs aren’t in bad shape because Juan Pierre can chip in one or two.

–You offer Todd Jones in a trade and you’re legitimately worried that if you lose him, your Ks might take a hit.

–You read box scores and cry.

–You tell anyone in your league that will listen, “Oh, yeah, I have lots of other teams. I don’t care about this one at all.”

–You have Gallardo, Pedro and Rich Hill and you’re counting out every five days and starting them as if nothing is wrong.

–You turn your computer monitor upside down so your team’s in first.