You wrote a letter to your leaguemates, but before you sent it to them, you asked me to proofread it but not share it. Too bad, here it is, “Yo, what’s up, snitches?! I have six closers and am sticking it to the rest of the league in their whole bum, then acting that out like Knight from MTV’s The Challenge. I don’t need no one! All I need is Huston Street, Kevin Gregg, Ernesto Frieri, Joaquin Benoit, Brad Ziegler and this chair, I need this chair. I got saves for days! Open up your ‘kitten-playing-with-motherf**king-yarn’ calendar and mark September 28th down for the day when you concede the championship to me. Use your rainbow-colored pencil. Is it okay to use that word? Any the hoo! Rather than recount all of that SAGNOF g’dness, let me take this time to instead ask you if you watched the most recent Top Chef Masters. I’m lonely and looking for friends.” Solid letter, I probably wouldn’t put single quote marks around kitten-playing-with-motherf**king-yarn but it’s fine to send it off as is. The only other problem is you might also lose more than half of your closers in less than a week. This is also the last week when you and your opponents can gain major saves if you’re hurting in that category. On July 31st there could be as many as 10 new closers. At no point from now until October do you have a chance for this much turn over. Guys that could move into the closer role in under a week includes, but is not limited to: Luke Gregerson, Blake Parker, Ryan Webb, James Russell, Antonio Bastardo, Carter Capps, Dale Thayer, John Axford (still even with Henderson taking over the job), Jose Cisnero, Pedro Strop and Antonio Alfonseca, because he has six fingers on each hand and you can’t ever count him out, at least not without removing your pants and a shoe. Granted, guys like Huston Street or Tom Wilhelmsen or Glen Perkins might be traded and stay in the closer role on their new team, but that means someone else would lose their job. Or maybe Huston Street will go to the Yankees and become the 8th inning man and Robertson moves to the 7th. Or maybe Jonathan Papelbon goes to the Tigers and Benoit owners have to call the Ben-wambulance. A lot could happen in the next few days or nothing, but I’d absolutely stash as many middle relievers as I could right now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Paul Goldschmidt homered yesterday for the 2nd time in two games and third in his last four games. He’s also hitting around .400 in the last week. Goldschmidt may have had some Growing Pains, but don’t call him Tracey. Neil Young and I have been searchin’ for a heart of Goldschmidt, and finally AuShizz is translating from German into actual stats. Go for the Goldschmidt! Now I ain’t saying Paul’s a Goldschmidtta. There’s Goldschmidt in dar hills! John Jacob Jingleheimer Goldschmidt, his name is on my waivers too! Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns… Breathe! Remove the cigarette and put on the oxygen mask — stat! Goldschmidt probably won’t hit above .250, but he can hit another 20 homers and have solid counting stats. If an impatient owner dropped him early on when he was AuMess, I’d grab him.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Every time I think about Drew Smyly, I think of Cliff Curtis from Training Day. That movie ended weird. “Don’t bleed on my floor,” he says after almost shooting Ethan Hawke in the bathtub with a shotgun. Pretty typical Saturday night if ya ask me, I dunno why Hawke got all bent out of shape and jumped on Denzel’s Monte Carlo.Please, blog, may I have some more?