Fantasy Baseball Advice

In the first act, some creepy kid runs into frame, mumbling, “I see blown saves.”  I know Ryan Madson is a Cuddle Boy, but don’t drop him yet.  Sorry to get Biblical on you, but hast thou forgotten the wrath Brad Lidge hast broust on ye past teams?  Please.  Give Lidge a week before abandoning Madson.  Lidge is like a “1000 Dollar Car” as sung by the Bottle Rockets.  Google the lyrics if you don’t know the song but in summation, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”  Let shizz shake out first before you act rash, talcum.  There’s time to drop Madson.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Evan Meek – Recorded the 3 up, 3 down save yesterday as Dotel was out sleeping with your sister.  Don’t worry, Dotel’s days of ruining your ERA and WHIP aren’t over yet.  Meek was only used because Dotel had pitched two innings the day before (beautifully, I might add).  To recap, handcuffs across the Brewers, Pirates and Rangers:  Frank-Frank, Meek, Villanueva and the guy at Subway who gives you the skeeves, in that order.  Hoffman, Dotel and Feliz, in that order, should all still be owned.

Carlos Beltran – Was fitted for a knee brace hoping it accelerates his rehab.  Here’s me putting on my stethoscope.   If a guy needs to be fitted with a knee brace to help his recovery, it’s not a good sign.  This is like trying to make a girl jealous by going to the movies with your mom.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3 as he hit his 9th and 10th homers.  Paulie’s bonkers right now.  Truly, Paulie Walnuts.  I say he gets to 30 homers and there’s really no reason why you need to unload him.  Just think you got Adrian Gonzalez in the last round of your draft.  Open a Michelob and celebrate.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked Floyd coming into this year.  Before yesterday, Nadir Bupkus looked better and he’s an imaginary hitter.  Floyd’s FIP is out of whack with his ERA as of right now.  He should continue to be better.

Carlos Quentin – Sat out Thursday and won’t play Friday with hamstring soreness.  This guy is made of paper-mache.

Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3 and a steal.  Rudy pushed for me to put Alexei in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, so he’ll be there.  BTW, Ozzie had him bunting with two men on and no outs and Pierre up next.  Here’s what Ozzie tweeted, “Team sucks.  Bunt guys over for the 2000 All-Stars, Andruw and Konerko.  Someone get me Andres Galarraga!  Me gusto El Gato Grande!”

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 and looks like he’s finally seeing the ball well.  Sure, it’s a month late, but there’s still plenty of time for him.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, HR.  Mentioned the other day that I slotted in Inge on a short schedule day and got two homers.  Well, on a different team I have Smoak and he’s been riding my bench since I picked him up because A) I have enough hitters. B) He hasn’t hit. C) There’s no C.  There’s rarely a C.  So yesterday with the short schedule, guess who got into my lineup?  Booyakasha!  I am a mustachioed God!

Jair Jurrjens – Left the game with a strained left hamstring.  The good news, it wasn’t his arm.  The bad news, he’s still injured, his FIP last year showed he was lucky, he doesn’t strikeout people and his arm is still a reason for concern.  Okay, so the good news and bad news aren’t exactly even.

Kris Medlen – Took the ball for three innings after Jar-Jar went down.  If Jurrjens can’t come back and Medlen gets his starts, he would be worth owning in NL-Only and deep mixed leagues.

Yunel Escobar – Yunel strained his groin trying to go big fly.  *snickers*

Chipper Jones – There’s no news about Chipper, but with the other Braves injured I figured I’d put this here as a place holder.

David Freese – 3-for-3, homer and 6 RBIs.  It’s a been awhile since I’ve talked about him, so I’ll just tell you what I said last time, “(Freese) hits .300 everywhere he goes (in the minors) and he has 20 homer power.  Before you scoff like you’re some Victorian bigwig, those numbers may not be that far off from Butler at a shallower position.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he faced a Twins team without Mauer or Morneau aka The Zombie Twins.

Kurt Suzuki – Probably headed to the DL with a strain of the intercostal.  Isn’t that the highway in Florida?  Weird!

Justin Duchscherer – Well, I tried to get everyone on board before he was injured again, but his wonky hip hit its capacity.  You can wait to hear how long he’ll miss, but I would just drop him if you’re hard-pressed for room.

Justin Morneau – Staying in the Justin genre, Morneau sat out with a sore back.  He hopes to return by today’s game.  We shall see…

John Buck – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with 3 homers yesterday.  Buck dedicated this game to his nieces and nephew for teaching him responsibility while he was babysitting.

Luke Hochevar – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER and now has a 6.11 ERA on the year and there’s the reason why I was so hesitant to endorse him.  Sometimes he can be absolutely miserable.

Brian Matusz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Not a bad start at all considering the Orioles vs. Yankees looked like the Lambda Lambda Lambda’s vs. the Alpha Beta’s.

Robinson Cano – 2 more homers as he now bats .407.  We better put Ted Williams’ head out on the counter now, because things are never right when you defrost in the microwave.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I own Burnett in a few leagues, so I’m more than happy with his year so far, but where’s the Ks?  He now has 33 1/3 innings and only 20 Ks.

Everth Cabrera – EverCab has been dealing with a hamstring strain for days and trying to avoid the DL.  At one point, Kyle Blanks volunteered to put him in a Baby Bjorn and play short.  Alas, EverCab to the 15-day DL.

Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks in his last rehab start.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-3 as the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with two homers.  How dare you show up Kelly Johnson!  Rudy had much love for Ad. LaRoche going into this year, saying that he might’ve started cold in past years because, well, he was cold.  As in he needed mittens.  In Arizona, that could change everything.  So far, Rudy’s looking like he might’ve been onto something even if this game was in Chicago.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was only hurt by a grand slam to Fukudome, but that is sorta Kennedy’s M.O.  Still ownable and startable and yadda², but he gives up homers.

Kelly Johnson – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, 1 Run, 1 Life-Threatening Disease Cured and a homer.  After he hit his homer, I went into the comments and wrote something giddy and after I posted it I realized something.  After I comment when I’m happy, my picture looks like I’m smiling.  After I comment when I’m upset, my picture looks like I’m frowning.  I’m Mona Lisa!

Making Eric Young Jr.’s return possible, Brad Hawpe heads to the 15-day DL as he loses his hop.  In the last four years of the minors, Eric Young Jr. has 87, 73, 46 and 58 steals, respectively.  Or disrespectfully, holy effin’ hey, are you kidding me?  That’s so good, Rickey Henderson talks about Eric Young Jr. in the third person.  Young could play in the outfield for a few days and will occasionally spell Barmes — B-A-R-M-E-S.  I think Young will see four to five days a week, but for those needing steals, you know the drill.  I grabbed him in one league and dropped Priscilla Barmes. (How awesome would it be if DeWitt played on the same team as Barmes?  Then Todd Helton would have to pretend he was gay to get playing time.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Olivo – Now leads all catchers with 5 homers.  Ain’t that a nicker in the kads.

Seth Smith – 2 homers yesterday.  Sure, go and get hot right when Eric Young Jr. gets called up.  Smith will see extra starts with Hawpe out, but he’ll still sit vs. lefties, which the Rockies get two of this week.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and only one walk that wasn’t intentional in his last two games.  Right now, his FIP is over a run below his ERA.  I don’t think we’re out of the woods completely, but his next start vs. the Pirates can’t hurt.

Manny Ramirez – Hits the DL.  Garrett Anderson filled in for him yesterday.  Manny’s birthday is 5/30/72.  Garrett Anderson’s birthday is 6/30/72.  Nice that the Dodgers can fill Manny’s spot with youth.

Vicente Padilla – Heads to the DL.  Before the DL, after the DL.

Ryan Zimmerman – Wants to avoid the DL, but is still having moans over his hammy.

Scott Olsen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Keep moving, nothing to see here.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  No, that’s not a typo.  Aren’t you glad you drafted Aaron Hill in the 5th round?

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs as he hit his 7th homer too.  Sure, I wrote a schmohawk post about Reynolds, but you can’t stay mad at a Mini Donkey.  They’re too lovable.

Krispie Young – 7 for his last 13.  If you’re hoping for the breakout, you have to accept that there will be stretches of 0-for-22′s.

Chad Qualls – After he completed his 1-2-3 save, his owners threw their gloves into the air and fell to their knees like Jesse Orosco.

Ryan Doumit – Going into the game, the Astros had stolen 6 bases.  Now, the Astros have 12 steals.  4 were stolen off of Morton and Doumit.  Which is also known as *pinkie to mouth* a salt and battery.

David Price – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  There ya go.

John Jaso – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs.  Anyone see this guy’s name in the box score and think there’s a typo?  Maybe it’s just me.  So get out your revolver, because it’s time for another round of Catcher Russian Roulette.  Jaso sported a solid OBP in the minors and pretty limited power.  So far, he has 5 walks, only one strikeout and a homer.  He’s immediately more valuable than Dioner, but that’s like saying your feet smell better than your socks.  In AL-Only leagues or deep mixed, 2 catcher leagues, I’d grab him and see if he can keep up his hot hitting.

Colby Lewis – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks as he battled for the Win.  Colby’s a Survivor!  I feel bad penalizing the people who are paying attention for the ones that aren’t, but here’s what I said previously about Lewis, “No one’s career has seen a bigger boost after going to Japan since Cheap Trick.  Feels like every year the Rangers have someone who’s way overhyped.  Has everyone forgotten that Lewis had a 6.71 ERA in his major league career before being rejuvenated in the Japanese Bubbling Spring of Soba Noodles?” And that’s me quoting me!  I also went on to talk about how I like strikeout pitchers, but Colby Lewis is prone to walks and his home park is hitter-friendly.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  On certain teams, I could see grabbing Colby Lewis if you need Ks or upside.  I do not own Colby Lewis anywhere and don’t plan on it.  I also don’t like how his name only sounds right if you say the whole thing.  Really slows things up for someone whose WPM is 17.

Brennan Boesch – 0-for-4 as he hit 5th.  Well, with Guillen out of the lineup it’s only natural that Leyland, who doesn’t believe in new lineup cards or Liquid Paper, would hit Boesch 5th.  (BTW, Poor Ryan Raburn.  Him and every prospect Scioscia ignored for an Izturii should start a support group.)  Boesch has 20 homer power and decent speed, but there’s no indication that he’ll stick once Guillen returns.  He also likes to swing and miss.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab Boesch, but, unless he gets hot, I’m not touching him in mixed leagues.

Rhyne Hughes – Hughes has moderate power and the penchant for the strikeout.  Unless the O’s are benching Atkins completely, which I don’t think they are (though I’m not against it), Hughes doesn’t have value outside of AL-Only leagues.  Could be mixed league worthy if he gets every day ABs.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-5, as he hit leadoff.  Wait, what?  Leadoff?  You know that guy in your league who drafted terribly and is now scrambling to kick start his team?  Yeah, that’s the Orioles.

Lou Montanez – Sounds like someone working for Miami Vice.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-4, as he hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  This is a question for everyone that doesn’t own Soto but who has seen how many times people have asked in the comments if they should drop him.  Soto is now batting:  A) .366 B) 100 points higher than .266 C) Almost two hundred points better than Clement.  D) All of the above.  If you answered D, you’re right.  If you refused to answer, you probably dropped him and were hoping for the best.

Kosuke Fukudome – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He’s what Matt Diaz sees when he looks in the mirror.  If you can afford to bench Fukudome vs. all lefties, you could have yourself a valuable 5th outfielder.

Jeff Suppan – Suppan’s being sent to the bullpen.  There’s a fly in The Soup’s ointment.

Dave Bush – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Some people who were pushing their luck in their H2H league, got a Cleveland Streamer.

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Speaking of Cleveland Streamers.  Blech.  This is the kind of soul-crushing loss that forces you to either bench him for his next start or drop him.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and he only threw two walks.  If he can keep his walks in check, he could be in for huge uptick in value.

Brett Anderson – Lifted from Saturday’s game with elbow tightness.  I steered away from Anderson in all my leagues because of his IP jump from 2008 to 2009.  I will say that when/if healthy, he has nasty stuff.  As of right now, they’re reporting Anderson will make his next start.  No idea who they are, but they’re usually right.

Javier Vazquez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I predicted rough times ahead when he moved to the AL, but wow.  Someone in our fantasy baseball forums, mentioned there should be a glossary term for a pitcher going from the AL to the NL or vice versa.  I agree.  Anyone have any ideas?

Everth Cabrera – Cueto hit him on the knee with a pitch, which forced him to the bench for Sunday’s game, but EverCab did get in late and stole a base.  Cueto should stick to screwing Cueto owners, and not EverCab ones.

Brad Penny – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Walks, 2 Ks.  I have this strange feeling that Penny’s going to get named to the All-Star Game then get pummeled by the AL because Duncan won’t be on the staff.

Paul Konerko – Hit his 8th homer yesterday as he takes the lead in The Battle For Best Value From A Draft Pick That Everyone Yawned At.  Vernon Wells is a close 2nd.

John Danks – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as Jenks finished the game.   According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time a team’s game pitchers shared their last three letters since teammates, Rollie Fingers/Hans Wringers.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Billy, from Accounting, said, ‘I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!’ over a hundred times, beating his old record by 37.”

You’ll have to excuse me; I’m a bit hoarse after a weekend in Vegas, so don’t ask me to yell.  All caps are just too much right now.  I’m not sure where I lost my voice.  May have been during our spirited game of Pai Gow Poker.  What was I doing playing $15 hands of a game where I literally just turned my cards over so the dealer could tell me how to play them?  It’s the free drinks, ya’ll!  About eighty dollars worth a free drinks to be exact.  Oh, and Ubaldo was pitching a no-hitter and Pai Gow Poker had the best seats in the house.  I think even the three 70-year-old Asian ladies at the table with us were into it by the ninth.  Hair’s to you, Ubaldo!  Either way, I’m spent so I’ll have to keep my enthusiasm on simmer for now about Ike Davis.  Let’s start this mofo with what Stephen said in the Mets’ Minor League Review, “After hitting zero home runs in 215 at-bats in 2008, doubters began questioning his “raw power,” but failed to consider an oblique injury.  Splitting time between High-A and Double-A, Davis flat-out raked.  Not necessarily the most polished hitter, he still has some work to do with his swing and strikeout rate, but he should continue to hit for power as he keeps a decent rate of balls in the air (42.8 FB%).”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  In nine games in Triple-A Buffalo, Davis has two homers as he hits a robust .357.  Not to be confused with the girls in Vegas, who are mo’bust.  The Mets are calling up Davis in the next week.  Do I take a flier on him in 12 team or deeper mixed leagues?  Certainly.  Do I expect the 2nd coming of Hayzeus Cristo?  Nope.  But if he hits in first few games, his value will go sky high and you’ll be able to trade him for more than he’s worth.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Mike Jacobs – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to “stop sucking.”

Derek Jeter – Will return on Tuesday after missing yesterday’s game with a head cold.  Good to see he’s quickly on the mend because a head cold sidelined Greinke for a year.

Aaron Rowand – On the DL with three fractures in his cheekbones that he sustained from a Padilla fastball.  In related news, Charlie Haeger’s fastball plunked a mosquito.  The mosquito’s day-to-day.

Eugenio Velez – Guess who now has a new every day job?  Conan O’Brien? Um, yeah, but also Velez.  He’s terrible at everything, except speed.  Oh, what glorious burners he has.  So, as always, SAGNOF.

Barry Zito – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks and was Alexander Hamilton to Clayton Kershaw’s Aaron Burr (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks).  I’d avoid tough matchups with Zito, but he was ownable last year in most mixed leagues and now through three starts his ERA is below 2.

Franklin Morales – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Now has back-to-back blown saves.  Rafael Betancourt, cuddle boy extraordinaire, would be next in line, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet.  If Morales blows his next one, then commence vulturing.

Jair Jurrjens – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Jar-Jar was hit hard hard by the Padres in his last start, then held an actual major league offense in check.  Next time, he gets the Mets.  Uh-oh.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.12 on the year.  Amongst other reasons, his move to the AL scared me off of him this year.  But so far– Wait, he’s faced the Royals twice and the M’s at Safeco.  Very sneaky, Scherzer.

Wade LeBlanc – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  But if a monkey were playing third, that would’ve been hilarious!

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his third steal as he continues to bat leadoff.  Potatoes to chips, his OBP, which is currently at .280, should shoot up at least 40 points.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4 and his fourth homer yesterday.  Reynolds is hitting .182 on the year and hasn’t attempted a steal.  It’s not cherrypicking negativity for Mini Donkey.  It’s a goad.  Donkeys, mini or otherwise, need goading.

Juan Gutierrez – Sure has been one sweet pickup for me since Thursday.  2 appearances, 1 IP and 5 ER.  Maybe tomorrow he can defecate on my Reggie Jackson rookie card.

Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Padres in Petco.  A’la Guy Fieri, “Was a meatball of an appearance.  And meatballs are good!”

Ty Wigginton – Has 4 homers in the last week.  Might hit 4 more this week, then not hit another one for a month.  Grab while hot, friend.

Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5 yesterday and will now hit leadoff vs. lefties with Theriot dropping to the eight hole, also known as the don’t steal so the pitcher can bunt you over hole.

Lance Berkman – He’s ready to return for Tuesday’s game.  Him and Carlos Lee should be able to fix the Astros’ offense, assuming you’re playing in a 2006 throwback league.  I have my doubts that Berkman will be the old Berkman.  Actually, let me rephrase that because he will indeed be the old Berkman.  He just won’t be the Berkman that we used to see.

Aaron Hill – Should be ready to go by Friday.  I’ll be impressed if he returns and stays healthy the rest of the year.  Member how excited you were in March to own him?  How ya feeling now?

Alberto Callaspo – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs with 2 homers yesterday.  He’s a .300 hitter with little to no speed and very minimal power.  I will call you, Polancallaspo.

Scott Podsednik – 3-for-5 with his 7th steal.  If you were an alien and this were your first day on Earth and you saw Podsednik’s stats so far this season and his wife, you’d probably think he was the best player in the major leagues.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He got lucky last time, too.  The time before, I said, “He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again.”  These starts since then have made it real hard to buy into him totally, but I’d rather own him at this point than not.

Carl Pavano – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I talked him up last week.  Finally putting years of dreckitude behind me.  So I picked him up and he got shelled.  Did he do this to spite me?  Probably.  But guess what?  It was a weekly league, so I didn’t have him in my active lineup yet.  In your face, Pavano!

Jason Marquis – Didn’t record an out as he gave up 7 runs.  Now that’s Razztastic!

Mark Teixeira – HR yesterday as his average buoys around .115.  Someone turn this guy’s calender to June.

Jay Bruce – 2 solo homers yesterday.  After the game, he cured death, then reversed the cure because of all the people who doubted him the first two weeks.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks has a 0.75 ERA on the year.  Have I mentioned that I traded Rafael Soriano to get Garza in one league?

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Stop the press!  Who’s that?  Ricky Romero!

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  As the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Mazel tov.”

Rich Harden – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 BBs.  Weird how his stuff has gone from filthy to sloppy.

Dallas Braden has 200 major league innings under his belt and his K/9 IP is a little bit over 5.  In 180 IP, that’s 100 Ks.  In other words, not good.  In other other words, blech.  In other other other words, there is no such thing as other other other words.  Dallas’s 10 Ks is more a condemnation of the Mariners’ hitting (were they wearing their fielding gloves instead of batting gloves?) than something warranting reevaluation of Braden’s status as an okay 4th/5th starter in AL-only leagues.  He’s not a mixed league option at this point.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Before you get any ideas, Ryan Sweeney is the A’s three hole hitter.  Ryan Sweeney sounds like the captain of your high school soccer team.  Kevin Kouzmanoff is the A’s cleanup hitter.  The Padres didn’t even want Kouzmanoff.  ‘Nuff said on him.  Ellis, Buck and Pennington is the bottom of their order.  That’s a lacrosse team.  Half of this lineup is playing the wrong sport. That’s why Snell pitched well, Baby Jessica.

Corey Hart – 0-for-3.  Jim Edmonds could’ve done that.

Casey McGehee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, HR yesterday.  I begrudgingly let Rudy draft him on one of our teams.  Not only did he hit a homer yesterday, but he did it against my Razzball pitcher, Greg Smith.  Dance, whammies, dance.

Rickie Weeks – 1-for-2, HR and a steal yesterday.  If he can stay healthy, he can do the same as Brandon Phillips.

Randy Wolf – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 Ks and the Win as he got the run support that eluded him last year.  This is the kind of start you’ll get from Wolf, maybe a little less on the Ks.  He’ll get similar results to the guy Doug Davis sees in the mirror if his mirror is set to 5 years ago.

Marcus Thames – 0-for-1, but as soon as the lefty was lifted Brett Gardner came into the game.  I wouldn’t let this affect my ownage of Gardner.  Yeah, ownage is a word.  I ownage mittens.  See?

Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 with a HR yesterday.  Earlier in his career (ya know, like 2008), he wasn’t great in the 1st half.  He shook that shizz off last year and looks to be doing it again.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 as he batted in the nine hole vs. a lefty.  Why?  Because there is no ten hole.

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4 and a steal.  It’s only two games (hey, Mr. Obvious, don’t forget to tell everyone you’re breathing), but Beltre has looked good so far.  If there wasn’t that whole righty-lefty thing going on in the Sawx’s lineup, Beltre should be batting above Old Papi.

Joe Mauer – HR yesterday.  Coming after I called him a schmohawk?  J’accuse!  Oh, wait, it was J. Saunders.  He also served one up to J. Morneau and J.J. Hardy.  J’figures!

Scott Kazmir – Says he should be ready to go next week vs. the Yankees.  He’s in the Bennis Carpensheeter family tree.  He’s the uncle who sells tea leaves at the weekly flea market.  Kazmir was solid with the Angels last year with a 1.73 ERA and 1.05 WHIP, but, as I tell my girlfriend, beware the small sample size.  It was only 36 1/3 innings.  In 111 innings last year with the Rays, he had a 5.92 ERA and a 1.54 WHIP.  His WHIP tends to be ugly and his FIP hasn’t been below 4 since 2007.  There’s the risk, now proceed if you like.

Nick Blackburn – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This was a good start for Blackburn.  That isn’t a good thing.

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 2 Ks and his 1st Save.  Wouldn’t be weird to see him get 35 more of them.

Mike Napoli – Mathis started again.  Maybe Napoli can get the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League to make him their new cause célèbre or maybe they can get Napoli on Jersey Shore, Season 2.

Chris Johnson – 0-for-4 as he started at 3rd base.  Look at Ed Wade showing his toupee who’s the boss.  “Listen here toupee, I’m starting one of my no hype, no walk rookies!”  Toupee, “I want Blum back in there for game three.”  You know who the real loser in this is?  All of those fans that bought tickets to The Juice Box to see Geoff Blum play.  “But he was starting for Opening Day!  I need barbecue.  Stat!”  At 25, Chris Johnson led the Astros in homers in Spring Training.  I doubt he led them in walks.  In the minors, there were some years he didn’t even crack a .300 OBP.  In deep and NL-Only leagues where 3rd base is very shallow, Johnson’s a name to look at.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wasn’t the prettiest game, but can’t blame the Wandwagon when the only offense the Astros get is from Blanc0 Polanco.

Barry Zito – 6 IP, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Did I mention the Astros’ offense?  If it were a horse, it would be glue.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5, HR.  Mr. Jones is gonna be a big, big star.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, HR.  I will now shake my fist at the sky for everyone who drafted him last year and not this year.

Mike Gonzalez – 1/3, 2 ER, blown save.  RT @ScottDowns Managers don’t want lefty closers because of their precious matchups.  Don’t give them more reasons, Mike Gonzalez. #CureScottDownsSyndrome

Chase Headley – 4-for-9 and a steal so far this season.  He’s like Charley Lau up in this piece!

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a steal.  In the 7th, Everth Cabrera twisted his ankle.  In the 8th, he stole a base.  In the 9th, he explained what the hell was going on in last night’s Lost episode.

Chris Young – 6 IP, 4 baserunners, 0 ER, 5 Ks and not one baserunner stole against him.  I would definitely own him if he’s out there.  I’m not quite fully back with my confidence in him, but I was once a big believer.  Maybe if I see Chris Young’s likeness on a piece of gum my faith will be restored.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 2nd homer last night.  He’s a big time 1st half performer.  If you’re gonna own him, now is the time.

Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 1ER.  Kazaam!

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 as he started for Seth Smith…. Or is it Seth Smith starting for him?  I’m so confused.  Pick one, please.  Or someone Tonya Harding Brad Hawpe’s knee.

Ian Stewart – 3-for-4, double, triple and home run yesterday.  FoxTrax unveiled a new feature in a similar vein as their controversial glow puck. When a home run ball leaves the yard, its trajectory leaves a rainbow.  It only works for Ian Stewart.

While the merits of what someone is hitting or not hitting in Spring Training can be debated, where they are hitting or not hitting is important to look at.  First, I want you to refresh your pretty little brain with the impact of lineup position on Runs and RBIs.  Welcome back!  Anyway, here’s some players whose value dips or shoots up (easy, Hamilton) due to 2010 lineup position:

Alexei Ramirez – He tends to start the season slow and he’s slated to bat ninth.  That’s a recipe for yawnstipation.

Ben Zobrist - Here’s what I said about Zobrist in the 2010 fantasy baseball rankings, “Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Well, I could be wrong.  Zobrist will be hitting third for the Rays.  The doubts I had about Zobrist coming into this season are a bit assuaged by this lineup position.  I still don’t think Zobrist hitting third will last the whole year, but who goes from hitting third at the start of the year to the bench?  Oh, wait…

Casey Kotchman – Should hit third against righties.  Look at Casey making a play for fantasy value!  Unfortunately, he probably won’t play against lefties with Garko stealing ABs.  If you can somehow work a platoon of Kotchman into your fantasy lineup (I’m thinking mostly AL-Only leagues), Casey could be a steal.  Damn, every time I say I’m done with a player, they pull me back in.  So who’s hitting third vs. lefties? Glad you asked, random italicized voice.

Franklin Gutierrez – Will hit third vs. lefties.  Though The Big FraGu is slotted into the 7 hole vs. righties, hitting in front of the catcher and Jack Wilson.  On the bright side, this is contingent on the health of Bradley and Griffey Jr., who’s now older than Griffey Sr. from when you remember him.

Jose Bautista – Hitting leadoff.  That could also be the answer to, “Where did all of Aaron Hill’s RBIs go?”

Travis Snider – Currently stuck between John Buck and Alex Gonzalez.  That’s like the middle seat between Afa and Sika.

Gaby Sanchez – This could change, but right now he looks like he’s stuck in the eight hole.  Luckily, no one’s actually drafted him anywhere, except for me.  Yay me.

Shane Victorino – This move has been covered by me numerous times before, but, yeah, he’s in the 7 hole and Crapolanco is appropriately enough in the two hole.

Ian Desmond – Batting 2nd.  “Mr. Desmond, roses just arrived from you.”  “Who are they from?”  “Grey from Razzball.”  “Put them in the pile with the chocolates he sent yesterday.”

Marlon Byrd – The five hole.  He’s going to prove to be so borderline mixed league worthy, I have a feeling there will be at least 1700 comments this year asking me if they should drop (Insert Schmohawk) and pick up Byrd.

Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab’s in the two hole.  He’ll probably be more valuable than most middle infielders that are owned more than him, but what freakin’ fun is it owning Orlando Cabrera?

Jay Bruce – Until Rolen gets injured, Bruce is in the 6 hole.  Bruce could be this year’s Kemp in regards to a losing value from lineup position.

Julio Borbon – Will be hitting on top of a very potent lineup.  Borbon will have to really struggle to not have a huge year.

Elvis Andrus – He has not left the building, but he has parked in the nine hole.

Albert Callaspo – Hitting third.  For all of you crazy excited about Butler this year.  He’s hitting in this lineup:  DeJesus, Podsednik, Callaspo, Butler, Ankiel, Guillen, Betancourt, Kendall and Getz.  There’s about eight names there that wouldn’t make the starting lineup for any other team.  Fun times!

Magglio Ordonez – I really don’t think he’s ownable anywhere, but he’s set to bat third.  I could probably knock in 90 and score 90 in the three hole of a major league lineup.

Scott Sizemore – Will be allowed to ferment in the 8 hole as he proves his mettle for a month or two.  I have a feeling that I might be jumping off the Scott Sizemore bandwagon sooner vs. later.  We shall see.

Erick Aybar – Leading off for the Angels. Will get Runs, some steals and average, poor homers and RBIs.  His stats are like looking at Yunel’s in the mirror.  I will call you, lenuY.

Garrett Jones – Will bat third.  If you can have a fantasy lineup of mostly three hole hitters, you’re at least pointing in the right direction.

Colby Rasmus – Batting in front of Pujols.  A 2001 Bonds would get pitches to hit in front of Pujols.

Carlos Gonzalez and Dexter Fowler – Top of the Rockies order.  That’s rated 3 M for Mmm…

Everth Cabrera – At some point, I hope the Padres make the right decision and put EverCab at the top of the order, but I don’t think it’s happening out of the gate.

Pablo Sandoval – Hitting third behind Rowand and Renteria, which sounds like a VD clinic.

Nick Johnson – Hitting 2nd for the Yankees.  Johnson has a .400+ career OBP.  Last I checked the Yankees scored a lot of runs.  Anyone want any action on the over/under for the amount of times Johnson’s on second and gets held at 3rd on a single?  65? 70?

Nolan Reimold – I’m not even sure he’s in the lineup.  Trembley’s talking about starting Pie.  How dare you judge, Reimold!  Doode, your team’s going nowhere fast — play Reimold!  Sorry, this has nothing to do with this post.  But I thought some of you might not have heard and I didn’t want to do a whole post on this, though I did have the title, Effin’ Pie.

Alcides Escobar – Batting at the bottom of the lineup for right now, but Weeks is one aggressive burp away from the DL.