Fantasy Baseball Advice

Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay.  The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs.  Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles.  Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down.  I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  What, horsemeat?  Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby!  24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.

Austin Jackson – While he mends his strained abdominal — he’s the Abdominal Strainman! — Quintin Berry should see some time in Jackson’s stead.  Yesterday, he went 1-for-3.  Too bad Quintin Berry doesn’t play for the Royals.  Or that his name isn’t Dan with the middle name Quintin.  You’re still alive in our hearts, Quiz!  I’m gonna eat a submarine sandwich for you.  Berry likes to run.  In fact, I’ll call him, HeRun.  In Triple-A, he had 19 steals in 39 games.  In AL-Only leagues, HeRun isn’t much more than a flyer for speed.  The darker the Berry, the sweeter the SAGNOF!  In mixed leagues, you can do better.  Look at me showing confidence in you.  I’m like your Dad on opposite day.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Justin Masterson (7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.)  It was a game that was all about Justin your instincts.  Sorry, my pun muscle is a little Justy.  Must be because I’ve been fencing at my gym rather than joustin’.  For Masterson, it’s all about adJustin’.  Or re-adJustin, if you dropped him.  His luck shows a guy that was dealing with a bit of injustice.  Is he the meow’s cat?  Nah, that’s unJustinfied.  He could be a back end starter on deeper mixed leagues without an unJustinly amount of Ks.  Not remotely Verlander though, he’s the master, son.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitting leadoff seems to be working for Choo as he hit his 3rd HR of the year off Verlander.  He’ll probably find a way to go 20/20 out of sheer habit like Bobby Abreu used to.  In a lot of superficial ways (decent stats, kind of boring), these two seem really similar.  Maybe we’ll start calling Shin-Soo-Kabrechu.

John Danks – To the DL with left shoulder soreness.  That might explain why he’s been terrible.  In fact, maybe it’s been lingering since 2010.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  If an impatient owner (like me) stupidly (still me) dropped him (that’s what I did), I’d grab him.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th homer.  If you’re gonna own him, it looks like there’s going to be 0-for-24 slumps scattered amongst his homers.

Brian McCann – Out for the third straight day.  Sounds like he caught something.

Michael Bourn – 1-for-4 as he homered again yesterday for his third in the series.  This gives me an idea.  How about all players that weigh 170 pounds and under can use an aluminum bat?  Then before each AB, players can weigh-in like a wrestling match.  “Too many sunflowers seeds, Bourjos, grab some wood!”  “Prince Fielder’s out for two weeks for Lap-Band surgery, but when he returns watch out!” and finally “Juan Pierre homers!”

Randall Delgado – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Looked a lot better than his line indicates, but even if your league has an “Appearances” category, I’m not sure this is what they have in mind.

Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and 5th homer as he played third base for Chipper, who the Reds honored during their pregame show because it was the last time he’d be playing in Cincy.  Classy move as they gave Chipper an artificial hip.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There should be a Vegas bet where you bet whether Bailey will go 6 innings and give up 2 earned or if he’ll go less than 4 innings and give up four plus runs.  Those seem like the only lines he ever gives.

Logan Ondrusek – Got his second save last night because Aroldis had worked the night before.  I wouldn’t own the whole Reds’ bullpen, but this could be a semi-frequent occurrence.  Dusty hates fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).

Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 with a grand slam.  Thursdays are a fun day for 2 catcher leagues, huh?

Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  The best of the Flying Molina Brothers came out yesterday — Alfred Molina, “Excuse me, I could catch AND do improvisation theater.”  Yadier had been like half a mummy since his oven-roasted April, but this could be a sign he’s turning it on again, facing Blanton certainly didn’t hurt.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs.  Another guy that took a fortnight siesta, but his bat woke up on Wednesday and now has two homers in the last two games.

Ty Wiggington – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  He’s here now.  Wiggy rarely hits just one and done, and he’s probably out there in a ton of leagues, so if you need a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), go for it.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, now hitting .366.  Elsewhere, Konerko homered and went 2-for-4 to raise his average to .384, David Wright homered and raised his average to .405, and Tony Gwynn just hit 415 on the scale.

Austin Kearns – His hamstring injury could mean Gaby Sanchez’s return from Triple-A on the first day he’s eligible, which also happens to be the day the Marlins are giving away Gaby t-shirts to the first 15,000 fans.  That’s like breaking up with your girlfriend on February 13th and getting back together on February 15th.  Anthony Rizzo may want to consider having 15,000 Rizzo t-shirts given away on June 1st.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Such a frustrating start.  Pagan drove in three runs on broken bat hits, a botched rundown that could’ve wiped out one run, a passed ball that was ruled a wild pitch was another run, a blooper by Belt for another run… Basically, Anibal gave up one well hit ball.

Emilio Bonifacio – Who has one good thumb and likes to steal bases?  This Bonifacio!  Looks like Emilio won’t be throwing any air punches for the next four to six weeks.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals, batting .340.  Bonifacio who?!  Emilio.  I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s an expression.  ‘Bonifacio who’ is an expression?  Forget it.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a steal.  If there’s anyone out there who believes Melky is a .362 hitter, I’d sell him Melky and anything else you got lying around the house that you might not want.

Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he homered yesterday.  Hey, does he weigh under 170 pounds?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 2 homers and third in three games.  Justin the nick of time!… Okay, I’m done.  Morneau should be owned, shoot, he’s doing better than Ryan Zimmerman. (<–saying nothing!)

Ike Davis – Mets told Ike he definitely won’t be going to the minors.  They had one of their doctors tell him though, since they’re never accurate.  Yesterday, he sat for Veal Rottino.  At least that’s what I think the V. stood for in the box score.

Jeremy Hefner – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  No grotto for you tonight!

Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  What’s this week’s Creeper not doing?  You should thank FtA for the tip of the week.

Eric Stults – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Everth Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs and EverCab got the Heartspark Stealsign.  Honestly, I think this is more hits than he had combined over his entire career.

Yoenis Cespedes – Changing his bat grip so he can return from the DL.  He used to nestle the knob, which might’ve caused the muscle strain.  I’d say!  Nestling knobs in the palm of your hand?  That’s the kind of thing you want to keep on the DL, Yoenis.  In related news, Brian Dozier is upset Thome is no longer in Minnesota as his dream growing up was to play with his Jimmy and the Twins.

Here’s what’s gonna happen.  You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day.  Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up!  I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You!  Say hello to your mother for me.”  First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy?  Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s.  Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago?  He is absolutely raking in Triple-A:  .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games.  LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th.  You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon.  In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.”  You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter.  Okay, maybe that doesn’t work.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route.  I’d consider going down Thayer.  Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear.  Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.

Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before.  How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings?  You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?

Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors.  That fat kid is Robin Ventura.

Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent.  And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager.  Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.

Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name.  I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing.  Any the hoo!  I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile.  King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.

Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”

Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him.  I wish I could shortened my name.  Gr?  What the eff is a Gr?  That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect.  Gre seems pointless.  Gr-Al?  What am I, Superman’s home planet?  Actually, I am.  Don’t touch my crystals!  I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine.  Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick.  Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.

Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too.  This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up.  In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.

Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.

Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  No, your other down.  Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL.  Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.

Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are?  They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week.  What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them.  I’m not bragging when I say this.  I’m fact checking, snitches!

Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot.  If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).

Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting!  (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)

Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’

Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.

Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy.  I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.

Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep.  You wanna cry to sleep?  C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!

Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now.  He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.

Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  I mean, c’mon.  Move the fences in, Petco overseers!  (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)

Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options?  Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?

Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!

Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants.  He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.

SELL

David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top.  There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP.  The year was 2009.  It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet.  Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307.  That year he also hit 10 homers.  Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307.  But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling.  The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.

Brandon Morrow lost the no-hitter but pitched as well as any pitcher this year.  9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks and 17 Ks.  Though not everyone was impressed.  When reached for comment after the game, Adam Lind said, “If you gave me 27 outs, I could strike out 17 times.”  Did Morrow go near-no-no vs. the Rays on sheer will or does he have this pedigree?  Is he Edwin Jackson no-no or is he Garza no-no? I’d put him in the 2nd phat camp.  The only thing holding Morrow back from ace territory is the walks.  At 26, there’s time to fix that.  Potatoes to chips, he’s only 26 years old and he LEADS (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) the major leagues for starters in K-rate.  You think I’m gonna be excited about drafting him next year?  Rhetorical!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells – Day-to-day with a dislocated toe.  I’ve dislocated my car keys before and sometimes I’ll dislocate one sock from a pair, but to dislocate a toe is pretty scary.

J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-5 with 2 homers in his first game.  Maybe we can fix Mr. Arencibia up with Momma Molina and get ourselves some more Arencibias.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I like when he’s Filthy Sanchez; I want to strangle someone when he’s Sloppy Sanchez.

Omar Infante – 1-for-4 with a home run.  His fantasy value is infantesimal, but he does lead the majors in average the last 30 days.

Takashi Saito – Got the save because Billy Wagner worked the last three days.  In that way Wagner’s like my car, it’s good for about three days then I have to go to my mechanic.

Kevin Slowey – His sore elbow is causing his next start to get pushed back a few days.  Figures it happens just when he started pitching well.  Why don’t you just take my pea puree while you’re at it?

Matt LaPorta – 3-for-4 and his second homer in 3 games.  We’ve had a few false starts from LaPorta this year where it looked like he was about to get hot.  Might finally be there now.  And that’s me lukewarmly recommending LaPorta!

Chris Carter – Was called up yesterday.  With Daric Barton nursing shoulder spasms, Carter will see the bulk of the time at 1st base.  Carter was #9 on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  Hit 27 homers with a .262 average in Triple-A this year while driving in 89 RBIs.  He can be Ryan Howard in a year or two.  If Morrow didn’t pitch the game of the season, Carter would’ve been your lead for today’s roundup.  He’s a must grab in keepers and AL-Only leagues, though I imagine he’s gone already.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him if I needed help at my corner infidel spot.  I expect he’ll give you what Stanton’s been giving you minus the steals (power, low average), but there’s upside for more.

Andrew Bailey – Will need at least another week.  Oh, and Wuertz got another save yesterday.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with two steals to bring his total to 26.  Nice that at least someone is stealing on the Mets.  Reyes, my sarcasm is directed towards you.  If you’re not Jose Reyes you can skip ahead, this is for him.  Not sure what’s going on, but you look so tentative on the base paths.  You wait until the 4th or 5th pitch of ABs to steal and, by point, the hitter is either striking out or fouling the ball off.  Run on the first pitch!  Now let’s do our 17 step handshake.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4 and a 15 game hitting streak with 4 homers.  I-BON-yes.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the person who is going to ask, no, I still don’t like Porcello.  I promise December Grey will reevaluate.

Jack Wilson – Fractured his right hand in a slip in the bathroom as he put the oofa in loofah.

Trevor Hoffman – Took longer than I thought it would, but the Brewers are finally saying Hoffman and Axford will share closing duties.  If you’re an Axford owner, hope it doesn’t take Hoffman as many opportunities for his 600th as it took A-Rod.

Jeremy Hellickson – Wade Davis and Jeff Niemann are both experiencing shoulder tightness and Hellickson is being held out of his Triple-A start on Tuesday in case the Rays need him.  I’d grab Hellickson now because I doubt both pitchers will be pushed with shoulder issues.

Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs with his 25th homer and 18th steal.  CarGo’s the King of the Slam & Legs.  I think he’s officially moving into overrated territory for 2011.

Pedro Alvarez – On Saturday, he hit his third homer in the last five games.  He now has 10 homers in 167 ABs.  Since the royal we are on the topic of 2011, I think I know who I’m ending up with next year when I punt 3rd base.

Alfredo Simon – Got the save as he gave up two runs.  Buck Showalter, if this is the stamp you’re putting on the O’s, it’s making you look Sally Draper crazy.

Felix Pie – 1-for-4 with a homer.  This week he also has 2 steals while hitting near-.350.  Could be a source of light power and light speed.  He’s like a poor man’s Big FraGu.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and has a 3.12 ERA on the year.  His K:BB and K-rate is far from inspiring but he gets the Indians next time out.  Seems like a decent H2H gamble (no relation to Rudy).

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal this week.  Holy douchetards, Figgy is finally hitting (over .450 in the last week).

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, when I saw he had three hits, I immediately thought to myself, has he done that yet this year?  He had.  On the 2nd day of the season.  Ah fanabla…

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 Runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Jerry Hairston Sr. who?!  Huh?!  I don’t picture Jr. going on some kind of homer barrage, but he’s shortstop eligible, so there’s that.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Padres haven’t let him throw more than a 100 pitches in a month.  Cust kayin’.

Chris Coghlan – Done for the year with surgery to repair the injury that he sustained while smashing a cream pie in Wes Helms’ face.  Coghlan vowed that next time he will just squeeze his lapel flower and squirt Helms with water.

Leo Nunez – Edwin Rodriguez, the Marlins manager, said that if Nunez doesn’t cut out blowing saves, he’s turning to a closer by committee. When Edwin said it, he made the Full House ‘cut it out’ hand motion.  I grabbed Clay Hensley.  Afterwards, I thought to myself, did I really just pick up Clay Hensley?

Gordon Beckham – Out with a sore groin.  Ozzie said, “I don’t think it’s that bad.  I don’t know if he was diving for the ball, or it was just a tight groin. We’ll go by ears how he feels.”  I think Ozzie’s confusing seashells with groins.

Angel Sanchez – Hitting .500 over the last week.  When I was looking at hitters to pickup for today’s short schedule, I looked at Angel Sanchez for a long time, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.

After hours of rumors about a trade to the Yankees, Cliff Lee was traded to the Rangers.  Going the other way, Justin Smoak and some prospects.  We’ll get to Smoak in a bit.  You know who I really feel sorry for in this whole Cliff Lee ordeal.  The poor, poor New York Yankees.  Now they have to make due with CC, Vazquez, Hughes, Pettitte, Tex, Posada, Jeter, Swisher, Gardner, Cano and A-Rod.  Here’s hoping they can acquire Werth for the first man off the bench position.  Or Oswalt for middle relief.  My pet crocodile is crying for them.  Cliff Lee threw a 2.52 ERA in Citizens Flank last year with 40 Ks and 5 BBs.  Is The Flank that much better than Arlington?  No, it’s not.  He’s still in the AL West, at least, and not the AL East.  His first start vs. (Crap For) The Birds obviously wasn’t the confidence booster you would’ve liked to see, but he was rocked for 7 earned earlier in the year by the Padres.  These things happen.  I’m not worried about The Adverb.  Expect a low 3 ERA, great WHIP, solid Ks and Wins.  You can do worse, I assure you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – Arlington is obviously better for a slugging corner infidel, but unless Smoak gets hot he’s not ownable in mixed leagues at this point.  Right now where there’s Smoak, there is no fire.

Chris Davis – With the Smoak evacuation, Chris K. Davis gets another chance.  In Triple-A, Davis was showing what made Bill James change his shorts when he projected him for, like, 45 homers and 20 steals last year.  Everyone knows I’m a sucker for guys who give you a low average, high power and some speed.  Don’t write Davis off simply because he swings more than that creepy guy on Craigslist.  In the 2nd half, you can get double digit homers, some steals and a terrible average.

Carlos Silva – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  We finally learn when his pact with the devil expires.

Mark Teixeira – 4-for-5 as PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) moves his average over .250 for the first time all season.  Should be a fun 2nd half to own him.

Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now with back-to-back starts that made me feel like I was in Requiem for a Dream’s back-to-back scene.  Hopefully the layoff helps him get back on track.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 more homers.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs.  He’ll be in the top 100 for the 2nd half of the season that is coming tomorrow.  Could he hit 20 homers in the 2nd half with 50 RBIs?  It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Daniel Hudson – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he gave his owners a quick roofie while desecrating their WHIP and fondling their ERA.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-5 and a homer.  Now has a five game hitting streak with two home runs.  After the game, the Poughkeepsie Chapter of Speculating on Small Sample Sizes said that’s something to keep an eye on.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 yesterday after hitting a homer on Saturday.  On the one team, I still have him on, I haven’t moved him from my bench in about a month.  He sonavabenches me every game because I’m spiting my nose by cutting Beckham off from my fantasy team.  In some illogical way, I feel like this will teach him a lesson.  Spread the word, Beckham — Grey will irrationally bench you if you don’t hit while in his lineup.

Zack Greinke – Was scratched with shoulder discomfort.  Not something you want to hear, obviously.  Though my guess is the “discomfort” was minor and rather than risk it they figured they’d give him a week and change off from his last start.  To put it in fancy doctorly parlance, this was a burp to avoid later indigestion.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  That’s just Wood getting his trade value up going into the break.  Maybe the Polish National Team will trade for him.

Dan Wheeler – Soriano pitched yesterday, so I guess he’s fine.  Sure was nice of Wheeler to leave a two run turd in a burning brown bag on my fantasy doorstep before I got to drop him.

Travis Wood – Pitched a one hitter on Saturday.  Here’s what I just said about Wood, “Stephen just went over his Travis Wood fantasy.  Stephen said, “drool worthy” “splits” “small sample size” “dramatic” “LOOGY.”  Man, I could never work for Zagat’s.  Wood’s an okay flyer in NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t want him to roofie me in mixed leagues.”  And that’s me quoting me linking to Stephen!  As if it needs to be said, Wood’s nowhere near the guy he showed on Saturday.  To show you the inconsistency of rookie pitchers, let’s look at his first three starts.  7 IP, 2 ER vs. the Cubs, 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER in Metco and 9 IP, 0 ER in The Flank.  If you need the risk and upside, take a flyer, but there’s no telling what you’ll get next.  Also, the return of Volquez could send Wood to the minors quicker than if his name were Luis Polonia.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer as he raises his average to .189.  His career average is .275 and his current BABIP is .188.  As parallel universe Shakira likes to say, BABIPs don’t lie.  Though it’s not all peaches and cream for the turn around.  He’s swinging at more balls outside the strike zone, which shows in his terrible line drive percentage, i.e., he’s not making good contact with the balls he’s reaching for.  He hasn’t shown any sign of breaking out, but Hill almost certainly has to be better in the 2nd half.  BTW, to recap at the break my overrated players coming into the season:  Jason Bay, Victor Martinez, Aaron Hill, Vazquez, Mark Reynolds, Billy Butler, Aramis, Sandoval, Manny and Mauer.  That’s a bit better than Meatloaf’s 2 out of 3.  You’re welcome.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, for now you should own him.

Justin Morneau – He took a knee to the noggin and missed the final weekend of games.  His bruised melon will now make him take a knee on the All-Star Game.  It’s sadly comical how his body won’t let him get through a whole season.  Back, “I don’t feel like being sore.”  Head, “A’ight, I’ll take one for the team.”

Nick Markakis – Homered on Saturday while hitting near .400 over the last week.  Markakis has shown signs of life going into the break, which is nice since prior we were gathering pallbearers for his career.

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 1st homer.  Cool, too bad you’re supposed to steal bases you schmohawk.

Mat Latos – Headed to the DL with I-can’t-throw-more-than-180 innings-itis.  I know I’ve said this before, but how do clubs get away with DL’ing guys that aren’t hurt?  Shouldn’t there be some sorta rules on this?  It’s like baseball’s version of the soccer flop.

Adrian Beltre – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  That turned into a leg cramp when Beltre remembered he was in a contract year.  All the King’s horses, all the King’s men couldn’t get Beltre out of the lineup during a contract year.

Jack Cust – 2-for-4 with a home run and steal.  Who let him get an 89 foot lead off first?

Vicente Padilla – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s ownable and startable in every home game where he has sub-3 ERA.

Corey Hart – 1-for-5 with his 21st homer in defiance of me.  That’s okay, it allows you to get more for him in a trade.

Lastings Milledge – 2-for-3 with a home run and a steal as he orders the slam & legs with a side of Victorino is out homering Milledge by 11.

Pedro Alvarez – Don’t look now but The Smashbuckler has three homers in the last 10 games.  Actually, you should look now.

Jose Reyes -  Was pulled from Saturday’s game because of his sore oblique.  Here’s what the Mets said, “I don’t think we have had any major setbacks because he did play.  He’s been down these roads before, but he’ll be fine.”  Here’s what I heard, “We have no clue what’s going on.  We ran his symptoms into WebMD and it said for him to take a lozenge.  Fingers crossed.”

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Ks have obviously disappeared, but Johan has a 2.98 ERA on the year.  How dare you complain.  I’ll give you Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey and 4 April starts from Verlander for a taste of that Joham.

Angel Pagan – About a month ago, I asked Razzball Nation to start the Benchy Frenchy campaign online and at Metco.  I’d like to now report the Mets listened and will shift Pagan to right when Beltran returns.  The truly miraculous part of our accomplishment is I don’t think any of you actually did anything.  Yet, it still worked.  When you see the difference one little site in the corner of the interwebs can make by doing nothing, it makes you want to do more of nothing.

Carl Crawford left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder.  He first felt discomfort on Wednesday.  In the locker room, here’s how Carl explained it, “You don’t want to feel that pain like that…  I’ve never really had nothing like that before… It locked up real bad.”  Now this sounds terrible, right?  Okay, here’s how Crawford finished, “I think it should be a day-to-day thing.”  Wait, what?  You don’t want to feel pain like that… It locked up real bad… It’s fine.  Oh, okay.  This sounds like when my grandmother would talk about how she can’t see or walk, then she’d go play mah jong.  You don’t need to see, the tiles’ engravings are raised. Guess we’ll have to take Crawford’s word for it that this is a minor injury and he’ll only miss a day or two.  In the meantime, the Rays called on Joyce to sow Carl’s oats.  Matt Joyce had a line of .316/.460/.556 in the minors this year with two homers in the last week.  Last year, he had 16 homers and 14 steals in Triple-A.  He’d be a very interesting name if the Rays weren’t so stacked.  There’s really no way he gets every day ABs unless Crawford goes to the DL.  In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth the flyer, but elsewhere I’d wait to see how often he plays.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into today’s roundup, frequent commenter and all-around Razzthusiast, Chase, wanted to share something.  Chase, “Two years ago one of my best friends, Joey Rippel, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  At one point he had a tumor that covered half of his chest.  Luckily, he recovered after months of chemotherapy.  Joey founded a non-profit organization called, The Rippel Effect, to help those like himself.  The website is The Rippel Effect and it would be appreciated if you were to check it out and help any way you can.”  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

B.J. Upton – Hit his 7th homer yesterday and has 23 steals on the year while batting .231.  In a non-scientific poll I conducted with myself, I get more questions about selling B.J. low than any other player.  Grab Aviles for your junky MI spot and together you’d have a .267 average.  Not to mention, Upton can raise his average before the year’s over.  No one seems to hate Andre Ethier and he has 1 steal.  1 steal and a .231 average are equally bad.  Why is it that people hate low average guys?  It’s one category.  There should be a glossary term for this myopic view of average.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Best start for him in over a month and a nice bounce back from his last wet noodle start.

Mike Lowell – Heads to the DL.  The only Lowell in Massachusetts this year is still 40 minutes NE of Boston.

Dustin Pedroia – 5-for-5, 4 Runs, 5 RBIs, 3 homers.  Struck Coors Extra Gold as Massholes everywhere reached for Sammy A.

Huston Street – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam, but by the time Tracy names him the closer he’s going to be injured again.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 with a steal, after revealing that he sat out on Wednesday with a tight hamstring.  I’m waiting for this trade deadline deal… We have breaking news today out of Texas.  In a move that could very well push them over the top in this year’s pennant chase, the Rangers purchased 8 hamstrings.  The hamstrings are said to be in near-mint condition and will be distributed to Cruz, Kinsler, Hamilton and Vlad.  Going the other way in the trade, Matt Treanor.  When the guy who sold the hamstrings was asked about what he was going to do with Matt Treanor.  He said, “Sell him for parts.”

Will Venable – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Was actually going to pick him up for yesterday’s short schedule day, but didn’t.  Sonavawaivers!

Everth Cabrera – In a deep league, I got excited that EverCab’s coming off the DL today because I need steals, then about 17 seconds later I remembered it’s EverCab.  He’s the Chinese food of middle infielders.

Jesus Feliciano – 3-for-5 with 2 Runs as Jesus filled in for Angel.  By Saturday, the Pope will be out in center.

Carlos Beltran – The Mets crack me up.  Beltran has been out since like 1964 with this knee injury.  Today, the Mets said Beltran could be activated by this Monday.  How do you go from not playing for over a year to only rehabbing for four days?  Meet the Mets, same as the old mess.

Armando Benitez – But no one can beat the Marlins when it comes to wacky organizations.  The Marlins signed Armando Benitez, who hasn’t pitched since 2008.  Is this like when Nomar signed a one day deal with the Red Sox so he could retire or is this serious?

Jason Castro – 2-or-3 and his first home run.  Let the questions commence about whether you should own Napoli, Suzuki, Santana, Posey, Buck or Castro.

Felipe Paulino – To the 15-day DL with shoulder tendinitis.  Why couldn’t the tendinitis gods take Brian Moehler?  Wait, this will mean a rotation spot for Bud Norris.  Paulino who?  Norris is basically the same pitcher.  Wild, poor run support and great Ks.  NL-Only leagues should grab Norris.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’d say it’s nice to see the old Wandwagon back on the tracks, but last year he would’ve K’d 8 guys, not 3.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-4.  His average has dropped 75 points in the last month.  Where’s all the people who were saying they were naming their firstborn Jackson and moving to Austin when I was saying to sell him?  These people always disappear.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I could say he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that would be a lie.  If I said he was in a Buy/Sell in May, that would be true.  Owned in only 12% of ESPN leagues, which is baffling.  Unless you play in a 4×4 league, there’s no reason a guy who has 92 Ks in 84 innings should be on waivers.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  I point out a lot of correct calls I make, so it’s only fair I mention that I figured Wells would’ve went back to oblivion or the DL about a month ago.  Can’t figure out those 1927 Blue Jays.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  I’m not saying he’s going to do this, but if he hits 7 homers in the next two weeks, which he can, you’ll be glad you were patient with him.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 and a homer.  Sticking with the struggling Adam theme…. Well, actually, this Adam is no longer struggling.  He’s hitting almost .450 over the last week with 3 homers.  Could still easily reach preseason projections of 27/15.

Matt Cain – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Just rip that ERA Band-Aid off and expose your scabby FIP.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  As usual, I wish I owned him.  YoGa, why do you stress me out?

Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer and his 29th RBI.  He now trails Jose Reyes by only one RBI.  Fielder’s HR to RBI ratio is almost as obscene as Marmol’s K to IP ratio.  Only Fielder’s is the bad kind of obscene.  There is a good kind of obscene, right?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell even if I have to push lip grooming until after it’s written.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As I watched this game, I got the feeling that even if F-Her pitched for 15 innings he wouldn’t get the win.  Dismantle the Mariners March 15-30th dynasty!

Ryan Howard – 0-for-3 as the Phillies scored twelve runs.  Ticker tease!

Matt Stairs – This has no bearing on anything, but gave me a chuckle.  Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  He can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.