Fantasy Baseball Advice

Brandon Morrow lost the no-hitter but pitched as well as any pitcher this year.  9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks and 17 Ks.  Though not everyone was impressed.  When reached for comment after the game, Adam Lind said, “If you gave me 27 outs, I could strike out 17 times.”  Did Morrow go near-no-no vs. the Rays on sheer will or does he have this pedigree?  Is he Edwin Jackson no-no or is he Garza no-no? I’d put him in the 2nd phat camp.  The only thing holding Morrow back from ace territory is the walks.  At 26, there’s time to fix that.  Potatoes to chips, he’s only 26 years old and he LEADS (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) the major leagues for starters in K-rate.  You think I’m gonna be excited about drafting him next year?  Rhetorical!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells – Day-to-day with a dislocated toe.  I’ve dislocated my car keys before and sometimes I’ll dislocate one sock from a pair, but to dislocate a toe is pretty scary.

J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-5 with 2 homers in his first game.  Maybe we can fix Mr. Arencibia up with Momma Molina and get ourselves some more Arencibias.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I like when he’s Filthy Sanchez; I want to strangle someone when he’s Sloppy Sanchez.

Omar Infante – 1-for-4 with a home run.  His fantasy value is infantesimal, but he does lead the majors in average the last 30 days.

Takashi Saito – Got the save because Billy Wagner worked the last three days.  In that way Wagner’s like my car, it’s good for about three days then I have to go to my mechanic.

Kevin Slowey – His sore elbow is causing his next start to get pushed back a few days.  Figures it happens just when he started pitching well.  Why don’t you just take my pea puree while you’re at it?

Matt LaPorta – 3-for-4 and his second homer in 3 games.  We’ve had a few false starts from LaPorta this year where it looked like he was about to get hot.  Might finally be there now.  And that’s me lukewarmly recommending LaPorta!

Chris Carter – Was called up yesterday.  With Daric Barton nursing shoulder spasms, Carter will see the bulk of the time at 1st base.  Carter was #9 on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  Hit 27 homers with a .262 average in Triple-A this year while driving in 89 RBIs.  He can be Ryan Howard in a year or two.  If Morrow didn’t pitch the game of the season, Carter would’ve been your lead for today’s roundup.  He’s a must grab in keepers and AL-Only leagues, though I imagine he’s gone already.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him if I needed help at my corner infidel spot.  I expect he’ll give you what Stanton’s been giving you minus the steals (power, low average), but there’s upside for more.

Andrew Bailey – Will need at least another week.  Oh, and Wuertz got another save yesterday.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with two steals to bring his total to 26.  Nice that at least someone is stealing on the Mets.  Reyes, my sarcasm is directed towards you.  If you’re not Jose Reyes you can skip ahead, this is for him.  Not sure what’s going on, but you look so tentative on the base paths.  You wait until the 4th or 5th pitch of ABs to steal and, by point, the hitter is either striking out or fouling the ball off.  Run on the first pitch!  Now let’s do our 17 step handshake.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4 and a 15 game hitting streak with 4 homers.  I-BON-yes.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the person who is going to ask, no, I still don’t like Porcello.  I promise December Grey will reevaluate.

Jack Wilson – Fractured his right hand in a slip in the bathroom as he put the oofa in loofah.

Trevor Hoffman – Took longer than I thought it would, but the Brewers are finally saying Hoffman and Axford will share closing duties.  If you’re an Axford owner, hope it doesn’t take Hoffman as many opportunities for his 600th as it took A-Rod.

Jeremy Hellickson – Wade Davis and Jeff Niemann are both experiencing shoulder tightness and Hellickson is being held out of his Triple-A start on Tuesday in case the Rays need him.  I’d grab Hellickson now because I doubt both pitchers will be pushed with shoulder issues.

Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs with his 25th homer and 18th steal.  CarGo’s the King of the Slam & Legs.  I think he’s officially moving into overrated territory for 2011.

Pedro Alvarez – On Saturday, he hit his third homer in the last five games.  He now has 10 homers in 167 ABs.  Since the royal we are on the topic of 2011, I think I know who I’m ending up with next year when I punt 3rd base.

Alfredo Simon – Got the save as he gave up two runs.  Buck Showalter, if this is the stamp you’re putting on the O’s, it’s making you look Sally Draper crazy.

Felix Pie – 1-for-4 with a homer.  This week he also has 2 steals while hitting near-.350.  Could be a source of light power and light speed.  He’s like a poor man’s Big FraGu.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and has a 3.12 ERA on the year.  His K:BB and K-rate is far from inspiring but he gets the Indians next time out.  Seems like a decent H2H gamble (no relation to Rudy).

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal this week.  Holy douchetards, Figgy is finally hitting (over .450 in the last week).

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, when I saw he had three hits, I immediately thought to myself, has he done that yet this year?  He had.  On the 2nd day of the season.  Ah fanabla…

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 Runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Jerry Hairston Sr. who?!  Huh?!  I don’t picture Jr. going on some kind of homer barrage, but he’s shortstop eligible, so there’s that.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Padres haven’t let him throw more than a 100 pitches in a month.  Cust kayin’.

Chris Coghlan – Done for the year with surgery to repair the injury that he sustained while smashing a cream pie in Wes Helms’ face.  Coghlan vowed that next time he will just squeeze his lapel flower and squirt Helms with water.

Leo Nunez – Edwin Rodriguez, the Marlins manager, said that if Nunez doesn’t cut out blowing saves, he’s turning to a closer by committee. When Edwin said it, he made the Full House ‘cut it out’ hand motion.  I grabbed Clay Hensley.  Afterwards, I thought to myself, did I really just pick up Clay Hensley?

Gordon Beckham – Out with a sore groin.  Ozzie said, “I don’t think it’s that bad.  I don’t know if he was diving for the ball, or it was just a tight groin. We’ll go by ears how he feels.”  I think Ozzie’s confusing seashells with groins.

Angel Sanchez – Hitting .500 over the last week.  When I was looking at hitters to pickup for today’s short schedule, I looked at Angel Sanchez for a long time, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.

After hours of rumors about a trade to the Yankees, Cliff Lee was traded to the Rangers.  Going the other way, Justin Smoak and some prospects.  We’ll get to Smoak in a bit.  You know who I really feel sorry for in this whole Cliff Lee ordeal.  The poor, poor New York Yankees.  Now they have to make due with CC, Vazquez, Hughes, Pettitte, Tex, Posada, Jeter, Swisher, Gardner, Cano and A-Rod.  Here’s hoping they can acquire Werth for the first man off the bench position.  Or Oswalt for middle relief.  My pet crocodile is crying for them.  Cliff Lee threw a 2.52 ERA in Citizens Flank last year with 40 Ks and 5 BBs.  Is The Flank that much better than Arlington?  No, it’s not.  He’s still in the AL West, at least, and not the AL East.  His first start vs. (Crap For) The Birds obviously wasn’t the confidence booster you would’ve liked to see, but he was rocked for 7 earned earlier in the year by the Padres.  These things happen.  I’m not worried about The Adverb.  Expect a low 3 ERA, great WHIP, solid Ks and Wins.  You can do worse, I assure you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – Arlington is obviously better for a slugging corner infidel, but unless Smoak gets hot he’s not ownable in mixed leagues at this point.  Right now where there’s Smoak, there is no fire.

Chris Davis – With the Smoak evacuation, Chris K. Davis gets another chance.  In Triple-A, Davis was showing what made Bill James change his shorts when he projected him for, like, 45 homers and 20 steals last year.  Everyone knows I’m a sucker for guys who give you a low average, high power and some speed.  Don’t write Davis off simply because he swings more than that creepy guy on Craigslist.  In the 2nd half, you can get double digit homers, some steals and a terrible average.

Carlos Silva – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  We finally learn when his pact with the devil expires.

Mark Teixeira – 4-for-5 as PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) moves his average over .250 for the first time all season.  Should be a fun 2nd half to own him.

Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now with back-to-back starts that made me feel like I was in Requiem for a Dream’s back-to-back scene.  Hopefully the layoff helps him get back on track.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 more homers.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs.  He’ll be in the top 100 for the 2nd half of the season that is coming tomorrow.  Could he hit 20 homers in the 2nd half with 50 RBIs?  It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Daniel Hudson – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he gave his owners a quick roofie while desecrating their WHIP and fondling their ERA.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-5 and a homer.  Now has a five game hitting streak with two home runs.  After the game, the Poughkeepsie Chapter of Speculating on Small Sample Sizes said that’s something to keep an eye on.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 yesterday after hitting a homer on Saturday.  On the one team, I still have him on, I haven’t moved him from my bench in about a month.  He sonavabenches me every game because I’m spiting my nose by cutting Beckham off from my fantasy team.  In some illogical way, I feel like this will teach him a lesson.  Spread the word, Beckham — Grey will irrationally bench you if you don’t hit while in his lineup.

Zack Greinke – Was scratched with shoulder discomfort.  Not something you want to hear, obviously.  Though my guess is the “discomfort” was minor and rather than risk it they figured they’d give him a week and change off from his last start.  To put it in fancy doctorly parlance, this was a burp to avoid later indigestion.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  That’s just Wood getting his trade value up going into the break.  Maybe the Polish National Team will trade for him.

Dan Wheeler – Soriano pitched yesterday, so I guess he’s fine.  Sure was nice of Wheeler to leave a two run turd in a burning brown bag on my fantasy doorstep before I got to drop him.

Travis Wood – Pitched a one hitter on Saturday.  Here’s what I just said about Wood, “Stephen just went over his Travis Wood fantasy.  Stephen said, “drool worthy” “splits” “small sample size” “dramatic” “LOOGY.”  Man, I could never work for Zagat’s.  Wood’s an okay flyer in NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t want him to roofie me in mixed leagues.”  And that’s me quoting me linking to Stephen!  As if it needs to be said, Wood’s nowhere near the guy he showed on Saturday.  To show you the inconsistency of rookie pitchers, let’s look at his first three starts.  7 IP, 2 ER vs. the Cubs, 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER in Metco and 9 IP, 0 ER in The Flank.  If you need the risk and upside, take a flyer, but there’s no telling what you’ll get next.  Also, the return of Volquez could send Wood to the minors quicker than if his name were Luis Polonia.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer as he raises his average to .189.  His career average is .275 and his current BABIP is .188.  As parallel universe Shakira likes to say, BABIPs don’t lie.  Though it’s not all peaches and cream for the turn around.  He’s swinging at more balls outside the strike zone, which shows in his terrible line drive percentage, i.e., he’s not making good contact with the balls he’s reaching for.  He hasn’t shown any sign of breaking out, but Hill almost certainly has to be better in the 2nd half.  BTW, to recap at the break my overrated players coming into the season:  Jason Bay, Victor Martinez, Aaron Hill, Vazquez, Mark Reynolds, Billy Butler, Aramis, Sandoval, Manny and Mauer.  That’s a bit better than Meatloaf’s 2 out of 3.  You’re welcome.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, for now you should own him.

Justin Morneau – He took a knee to the noggin and missed the final weekend of games.  His bruised melon will now make him take a knee on the All-Star Game.  It’s sadly comical how his body won’t let him get through a whole season.  Back, “I don’t feel like being sore.”  Head, “A’ight, I’ll take one for the team.”

Nick Markakis – Homered on Saturday while hitting near .400 over the last week.  Markakis has shown signs of life going into the break, which is nice since prior we were gathering pallbearers for his career.

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 1st homer.  Cool, too bad you’re supposed to steal bases you schmohawk.

Mat Latos – Headed to the DL with I-can’t-throw-more-than-180 innings-itis.  I know I’ve said this before, but how do clubs get away with DL’ing guys that aren’t hurt?  Shouldn’t there be some sorta rules on this?  It’s like baseball’s version of the soccer flop.

Adrian Beltre – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  That turned into a leg cramp when Beltre remembered he was in a contract year.  All the King’s horses, all the King’s men couldn’t get Beltre out of the lineup during a contract year.

Jack Cust – 2-for-4 with a home run and steal.  Who let him get an 89 foot lead off first?

Vicente Padilla – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s ownable and startable in every home game where he has sub-3 ERA.

Corey Hart – 1-for-5 with his 21st homer in defiance of me.  That’s okay, it allows you to get more for him in a trade.

Lastings Milledge – 2-for-3 with a home run and a steal as he orders the slam & legs with a side of Victorino is out homering Milledge by 11.

Pedro Alvarez – Don’t look now but The Smashbuckler has three homers in the last 10 games.  Actually, you should look now.

Jose Reyes -  Was pulled from Saturday’s game because of his sore oblique.  Here’s what the Mets said, “I don’t think we have had any major setbacks because he did play.  He’s been down these roads before, but he’ll be fine.”  Here’s what I heard, “We have no clue what’s going on.  We ran his symptoms into WebMD and it said for him to take a lozenge.  Fingers crossed.”

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Ks have obviously disappeared, but Johan has a 2.98 ERA on the year.  How dare you complain.  I’ll give you Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey and 4 April starts from Verlander for a taste of that Joham.

Angel Pagan – About a month ago, I asked Razzball Nation to start the Benchy Frenchy campaign online and at Metco.  I’d like to now report the Mets listened and will shift Pagan to right when Beltran returns.  The truly miraculous part of our accomplishment is I don’t think any of you actually did anything.  Yet, it still worked.  When you see the difference one little site in the corner of the interwebs can make by doing nothing, it makes you want to do more of nothing.

Carl Crawford left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder.  He first felt discomfort on Wednesday.  In the locker room, here’s how Carl explained it, “You don’t want to feel that pain like that…  I’ve never really had nothing like that before… It locked up real bad.”  Now this sounds terrible, right?  Okay, here’s how Crawford finished, “I think it should be a day-to-day thing.”  Wait, what?  You don’t want to feel pain like that… It locked up real bad… It’s fine.  Oh, okay.  This sounds like when my grandmother would talk about how she can’t see or walk, then she’d go play mah jong.  You don’t need to see, the tiles’ engravings are raised. Guess we’ll have to take Crawford’s word for it that this is a minor injury and he’ll only miss a day or two.  In the meantime, the Rays called on Joyce to sow Carl’s oats.  Matt Joyce had a line of .316/.460/.556 in the minors this year with two homers in the last week.  Last year, he had 16 homers and 14 steals in Triple-A.  He’d be a very interesting name if the Rays weren’t so stacked.  There’s really no way he gets every day ABs unless Crawford goes to the DL.  In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth the flyer, but elsewhere I’d wait to see how often he plays.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into today’s roundup, frequent commenter and all-around Razzthusiast, Chase, wanted to share something.  Chase, “Two years ago one of my best friends, Joey Rippel, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  At one point he had a tumor that covered half of his chest.  Luckily, he recovered after months of chemotherapy.  Joey founded a non-profit organization called, The Rippel Effect, to help those like himself.  The website is The Rippel Effect and it would be appreciated if you were to check it out and help any way you can.”  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

B.J. Upton – Hit his 7th homer yesterday and has 23 steals on the year while batting .231.  In a non-scientific poll I conducted with myself, I get more questions about selling B.J. low than any other player.  Grab Aviles for your junky MI spot and together you’d have a .267 average.  Not to mention, Upton can raise his average before the year’s over.  No one seems to hate Andre Ethier and he has 1 steal.  1 steal and a .231 average are equally bad.  Why is it that people hate low average guys?  It’s one category.  There should be a glossary term for this myopic view of average.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Best start for him in over a month and a nice bounce back from his last wet noodle start.

Mike Lowell – Heads to the DL.  The only Lowell in Massachusetts this year is still 40 minutes NE of Boston.

Dustin Pedroia – 5-for-5, 4 Runs, 5 RBIs, 3 homers.  Struck Coors Extra Gold as Massholes everywhere reached for Sammy A.

Huston Street – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam, but by the time Tracy names him the closer he’s going to be injured again.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 with a steal, after revealing that he sat out on Wednesday with a tight hamstring.  I’m waiting for this trade deadline deal… We have breaking news today out of Texas.  In a move that could very well push them over the top in this year’s pennant chase, the Rangers purchased 8 hamstrings.  The hamstrings are said to be in near-mint condition and will be distributed to Cruz, Kinsler, Hamilton and Vlad.  Going the other way in the trade, Matt Treanor.  When the guy who sold the hamstrings was asked about what he was going to do with Matt Treanor.  He said, “Sell him for parts.”

Will Venable – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Was actually going to pick him up for yesterday’s short schedule day, but didn’t.  Sonavawaivers!

Everth Cabrera – In a deep league, I got excited that EverCab’s coming off the DL today because I need steals, then about 17 seconds later I remembered it’s EverCab.  He’s the Chinese food of middle infielders.

Jesus Feliciano – 3-for-5 with 2 Runs as Jesus filled in for Angel.  By Saturday, the Pope will be out in center.

Carlos Beltran – The Mets crack me up.  Beltran has been out since like 1964 with this knee injury.  Today, the Mets said Beltran could be activated by this Monday.  How do you go from not playing for over a year to only rehabbing for four days?  Meet the Mets, same as the old mess.

Armando Benitez – But no one can beat the Marlins when it comes to wacky organizations.  The Marlins signed Armando Benitez, who hasn’t pitched since 2008.  Is this like when Nomar signed a one day deal with the Red Sox so he could retire or is this serious?

Jason Castro – 2-or-3 and his first home run.  Let the questions commence about whether you should own Napoli, Suzuki, Santana, Posey, Buck or Castro.

Felipe Paulino – To the 15-day DL with shoulder tendinitis.  Why couldn’t the tendinitis gods take Brian Moehler?  Wait, this will mean a rotation spot for Bud Norris.  Paulino who?  Norris is basically the same pitcher.  Wild, poor run support and great Ks.  NL-Only leagues should grab Norris.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’d say it’s nice to see the old Wandwagon back on the tracks, but last year he would’ve K’d 8 guys, not 3.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-4.  His average has dropped 75 points in the last month.  Where’s all the people who were saying they were naming their firstborn Jackson and moving to Austin when I was saying to sell him?  These people always disappear.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I could say he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that would be a lie.  If I said he was in a Buy/Sell in May, that would be true.  Owned in only 12% of ESPN leagues, which is baffling.  Unless you play in a 4×4 league, there’s no reason a guy who has 92 Ks in 84 innings should be on waivers.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  I point out a lot of correct calls I make, so it’s only fair I mention that I figured Wells would’ve went back to oblivion or the DL about a month ago.  Can’t figure out those 1927 Blue Jays.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  I’m not saying he’s going to do this, but if he hits 7 homers in the next two weeks, which he can, you’ll be glad you were patient with him.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 and a homer.  Sticking with the struggling Adam theme…. Well, actually, this Adam is no longer struggling.  He’s hitting almost .450 over the last week with 3 homers.  Could still easily reach preseason projections of 27/15.

Matt Cain – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Just rip that ERA Band-Aid off and expose your scabby FIP.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  As usual, I wish I owned him.  YoGa, why do you stress me out?

Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer and his 29th RBI.  He now trails Jose Reyes by only one RBI.  Fielder’s HR to RBI ratio is almost as obscene as Marmol’s K to IP ratio.  Only Fielder’s is the bad kind of obscene.  There is a good kind of obscene, right?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell even if I have to push lip grooming until after it’s written.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As I watched this game, I got the feeling that even if F-Her pitched for 15 innings he wouldn’t get the win.  Dismantle the Mariners March 15-30th dynasty!

Ryan Howard – 0-for-3 as the Phillies scored twelve runs.  Ticker tease!

Matt Stairs – This has no bearing on anything, but gave me a chuckle.  Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  He can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.

There’s talk that the M’s might punt their closer, just not in the same way the O’s have.  They’re talking about trading David Aardsma.  Member when the M’s were going to be a contender?  That was a fun two weeks in March.  We were younger, you and I (hey!).  You had more hair (hey-oh!).  Doesn’t it seem like every year the pundits latch their unrealistic expectations on a team?  Member when the Royals were going to win it all in 2009?  My prediction for March darling to June dud team of 2011?  The Nationals.  But they have Strasburg and Zimmerman!  Yeah, and John Lannan and that doode you don’t know who plays every other position.  So, Brandon League would take over the job if Aardsma is moved.  I grabbed League where I could because, well, I’m a save vulture, swooping down on closer carcasses any chance I get.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jarrett Hoffpauir – Was called up by the Blue Kays.  He was hitting the ball around pretty good in Las Vegas (in 259 plate appearances, only struckout 15 times and hit 9 long balls).  But what happens in Vegas, well, you know.  Right now, I don’t think our neighbor to the north gives Hoffpauir every day duty (hehe, that sounds like doodie).  I think they move Fred Lewis into the lineup and start Bautista at 3rd base in Edwin Encarnacion’s vacated turd hole he was filling.  Hoffpauir’s worth a lookie-see in AL-Only leagues, since he has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN leagues.

Edwin Encarnacion – Oh, and he’s gone in case you didn’t pick up the above context clue about vacated turd holes.

Everth Cabrera – Could return as soon as Friday after going 0-for-3 with a strikeout and two grounders.  Yup, he’s in game shape!

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2 with his 17th homer and 4th steal.  For Mini Donkey, today was a good bray.

Justin Upton – 3-for-3, 2 homers, a steal, 4 Runs, 4 RBIs and one old lady saved from the right field pool.  J-Upside, it’s good to see you.

Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 and a three-run homer.  The clock struck the summer solstice yesterday and LaRoche turned it on.  May sours, June swoon.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks in Oakland.  Gio’s becoming a bit of a homebody with his splits.  Over 5 ERA on the road and under 3 at home.  That makes his next start at home vs. Pittsburgh look real nice.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer.  If you want to own Kouz, now would be the time.  Actually, yesterday would’ve been– Well, you get the drift.

Cristian Guzman – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  In other news, there wasn’t a whole lot of baseball games yesterday to talk about.

Carlos Beltran – Reports are coming back that he could begin a minor league assignment within the next week.  That means the New York hype machine about Beltran returning should pickup soon giving you a chance to sell him.

Coco Crisp – Could return this Friday from the DL, but he’s become very injury-prone of late, so tread carefully.  I.e. Coco beware.

Scott Podsednik – 4-for-4 with no runs and no RBIs.  Ah, the joys of being a Royals leadoff hitter.  Some guys who have more runs on the year:  Juan Rivera, J.D. Drew, Aubrey Huff and Adam Dunn.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-4 as he continues to Charley Lau the ball all over the field, hitting near .400 over the last week.  A small nugget to store in the “Read Then Discard” section of your medulla oblongata is how he can’t hit lefties.

Bruce Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 84 MPH fastball battled Livan Hernandez (7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks) and his 82 MPH as National Radar Gun Day was observed in Washington.  Hope the radar guns did something fun on their day off.

A.J. Burnett – 4 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  [sarcastic] Good to see his K-rate bounce back. [/sarcastic]  There’s reports that his foot is bothering him, some are theorizing he’s tipping his curveball or just not locating it properly.  For those that like why’s, awesome.  All I know is this guy wasn’t just bad last night, he’s been terrifically bad for the majority of his starts.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get sent to the Disgraceful List.  Either way, I’m not starting him in any league for at least one start and probably more.

Phil Hughes – Will be skipped in the rotation as the Yankees try to limit his innings.  Though they should probably limit Burnett’s innings.  I’d expect more of Hughes getting skipped in September as they prepare for the playoffs.  On the scale of no-likey for H2H, that’s about an 8.

Brett Gardner – 4-for-4, 2 Runs and his 23rd steal while hitting 8th.  Yesterday, Jayson Stark said Gardner is on pace for more Runs than any other player in history who has the majority of their ABs from the 8 hole or lower.  Actually, he didn’t say that.  He did say, “Kurkjian, stop your screeching!  I’m hungover.”

In the first act, some creepy kid runs into frame, mumbling, “I see blown saves.”  I know Ryan Madson is a Cuddle Boy, but don’t drop him yet.  Sorry to get Biblical on you, but hast thou forgotten the wrath Brad Lidge hast broust on ye past teams?  Please.  Give Lidge a week before abandoning Madson.  Lidge is like a “1000 Dollar Car” as sung by the Bottle Rockets.  Google the lyrics if you don’t know the song but in summation, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”  Let shizz shake out first before you act rash, talcum.  There’s time to drop Madson.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Evan Meek – Recorded the 3 up, 3 down save yesterday as Dotel was out sleeping with your sister.  Don’t worry, Dotel’s days of ruining your ERA and WHIP aren’t over yet.  Meek was only used because Dotel had pitched two innings the day before (beautifully, I might add).  To recap, handcuffs across the Brewers, Pirates and Rangers:  Frank-Frank, Meek, Villanueva and the guy at Subway who gives you the skeeves, in that order.  Hoffman, Dotel and Feliz, in that order, should all still be owned.

Carlos Beltran – Was fitted for a knee brace hoping it accelerates his rehab.  Here’s me putting on my stethoscope.   If a guy needs to be fitted with a knee brace to help his recovery, it’s not a good sign.  This is like trying to make a girl jealous by going to the movies with your mom.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3 as he hit his 9th and 10th homers.  Paulie’s bonkers right now.  Truly, Paulie Walnuts.  I say he gets to 30 homers and there’s really no reason why you need to unload him.  Just think you got Adrian Gonzalez in the last round of your draft.  Open a Michelob and celebrate.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked Floyd coming into this year.  Before yesterday, Nadir Bupkus looked better and he’s an imaginary hitter.  Floyd’s FIP is out of whack with his ERA as of right now.  He should continue to be better.

Carlos Quentin – Sat out Thursday and won’t play Friday with hamstring soreness.  This guy is made of paper-mache.

Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3 and a steal.  Rudy pushed for me to put Alexei in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, so he’ll be there.  BTW, Ozzie had him bunting with two men on and no outs and Pierre up next.  Here’s what Ozzie tweeted, “Team sucks.  Bunt guys over for the 2000 All-Stars, Andruw and Konerko.  Someone get me Andres Galarraga!  Me gusto El Gato Grande!”

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 and looks like he’s finally seeing the ball well.  Sure, it’s a month late, but there’s still plenty of time for him.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, HR.  Mentioned the other day that I slotted in Inge on a short schedule day and got two homers.  Well, on a different team I have Smoak and he’s been riding my bench since I picked him up because A) I have enough hitters. B) He hasn’t hit. C) There’s no C.  There’s rarely a C.  So yesterday with the short schedule, guess who got into my lineup?  Booyakasha!  I am a mustachioed God!

Jair Jurrjens – Left the game with a strained left hamstring.  The good news, it wasn’t his arm.  The bad news, he’s still injured, his FIP last year showed he was lucky, he doesn’t strikeout people and his arm is still a reason for concern.  Okay, so the good news and bad news aren’t exactly even.

Kris Medlen – Took the ball for three innings after Jar-Jar went down.  If Jurrjens can’t come back and Medlen gets his starts, he would be worth owning in NL-Only and deep mixed leagues.

Yunel Escobar – Yunel strained his groin trying to go big fly.  *snickers*

Chipper Jones – There’s no news about Chipper, but with the other Braves injured I figured I’d put this here as a place holder.

David Freese – 3-for-3, homer and 6 RBIs.  It’s a been awhile since I’ve talked about him, so I’ll just tell you what I said last time, “(Freese) hits .300 everywhere he goes (in the minors) and he has 20 homer power.  Before you scoff like you’re some Victorian bigwig, those numbers may not be that far off from Butler at a shallower position.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he faced a Twins team without Mauer or Morneau aka The Zombie Twins.

Kurt Suzuki – Probably headed to the DL with a strain of the intercostal.  Isn’t that the highway in Florida?  Weird!

Justin Duchscherer – Well, I tried to get everyone on board before he was injured again, but his wonky hip hit its capacity.  You can wait to hear how long he’ll miss, but I would just drop him if you’re hard-pressed for room.

Justin Morneau – Staying in the Justin genre, Morneau sat out with a sore back.  He hopes to return by today’s game.  We shall see…

John Buck – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with 3 homers yesterday.  Buck dedicated this game to his nieces and nephew for teaching him responsibility while he was babysitting.

Luke Hochevar – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER and now has a 6.11 ERA on the year and there’s the reason why I was so hesitant to endorse him.  Sometimes he can be absolutely miserable.

Brian Matusz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Not a bad start at all considering the Orioles vs. Yankees looked like the Lambda Lambda Lambda’s vs. the Alpha Beta’s.

Robinson Cano – 2 more homers as he now bats .407.  We better put Ted Williams’ head out on the counter now, because things are never right when you defrost in the microwave.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I own Burnett in a few leagues, so I’m more than happy with his year so far, but where’s the Ks?  He now has 33 1/3 innings and only 20 Ks.

Everth Cabrera – EverCab has been dealing with a hamstring strain for days and trying to avoid the DL.  At one point, Kyle Blanks volunteered to put him in a Baby Bjorn and play short.  Alas, EverCab to the 15-day DL.

Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks in his last rehab start.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-3 as the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with two homers.  How dare you show up Kelly Johnson!  Rudy had much love for Ad. LaRoche going into this year, saying that he might’ve started cold in past years because, well, he was cold.  As in he needed mittens.  In Arizona, that could change everything.  So far, Rudy’s looking like he might’ve been onto something even if this game was in Chicago.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was only hurt by a grand slam to Fukudome, but that is sorta Kennedy’s M.O.  Still ownable and startable and yadda², but he gives up homers.

Kelly Johnson – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, 1 Run, 1 Life-Threatening Disease Cured and a homer.  After he hit his homer, I went into the comments and wrote something giddy and after I posted it I realized something.  After I comment when I’m happy, my picture looks like I’m smiling.  After I comment when I’m upset, my picture looks like I’m frowning.  I’m Mona Lisa!