Fantasy Baseball Advice

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2012 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2012 Rays Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Jason Collette from DRaysBay.

1) I have Evan Longoria as my preseason 2012 MVP pick.  This is the year, friend.  According to me.  Live with me for a second (not literally) and give me your most optimistic line for Longoria.

Ignore the easy route and looking at his insanely low BABIP last year and look at the narrative. He strained his oblique in Game 2 of the season and missed 26 games because of it. He came back only to develop a nerve issue in his big toe on his right foot that did not allow him to properly get into baseballs like good hitters want to do. He didn’t get to 100% until somewhere around mid-June, right about the same time Matt Joyce cooled off from his rocket-fueled streak in May. Now, let’s get back to that BABIP. His plate appearance and batted ball results were nearly identical to what they were in 2010: K%, BB%, pitches per plate appearance, G/L/F splits, swing rates, etc. Yet, his BABIP fell 97 points and was only over .225 in three of the five months in which he played last season. What quietly flew under the radar during his monster close to the season was that he walked more than he struck out from August 1st throughout the rest of the season and did so without sacrificing any power as he had 26 extra base hits in just 244 plate appearances. .285 with 220 R+RBI, 40 HR, & 10 SB is not crazy to predict.

2)  Desmond Jennings and I had a baby.  It was under-reported that’s why you didn’t hear it.  Okay, so I basically love all Rays (except Hellickson, we’ll get to him).  You’re a fantasy guy yourself, so you know how much the fantasy community loves Desmond Jennings.  Will we be disappointed or will he be a 2nd round pick in 2013?

I guess he took that maternity leave for most of September then. As awesome as he was in August, major league pitchers quickly found the holes in his swing in September and he proved time and time again he couldn’t lay off that high fastball and then got him making bad contact while protecting the plate after that. Dive into small sample size hell with me for a second and revisit the 17 games Jennings had after his 2 home run performance in Toronto. He hit .174/.278/.246 after that  with just two extra base hits as pitchers gave him a steady diet of those high fastballs until he finally started laying off them toward the end of the season. Durability is always a concern with him as he has only had one blemish-free professional season. I’ve seen him go in the top 50 in some drafts but that’s a risky move – not because of the talent but because of the durability issues.

3) Jeremy Hellickson’s 2011 was a mess outside of ERA.  This year his ERA catches up to his other peripherals.  True, false or I shall explain.

False. The “norm” is different in Tampa Bay. Joe Maddon employs more defensive shifts than any other manager in baseball and it is no mistake that the Rays pitching staff has had the lowest team BABIP each of the past four seasons. Sure, Longoria and Zobrist are elite defenders, but Jason Bartlett was no gem during his run here and Carlos Pena and Casey Kotchman aren’t terribly rangy side to side. Positioning is everything so a .223 BABIP against a team BABIP of .280 looks a bit better. Shields’ disastrous 2010 season is the only Rays’ starting pitcher to have a BABIP over .285 during that run as well. Hellickson is flyball heavy, but 25% of his flyballs in play never leave the infield as he induces a lot of bad contact. Also understand that his K/9 was problematic because he had John Jaso “catching” him often. Jaso is to catching what Rex Grossman is to quarterbacking. Hellickson had the lowest called strike three rate in baseball last season and thanks to the work of now Houston Astros front office guru Mike Fast, we know that Jose Molina is the best framing catcher in baseball. It is pretty easy to envision a caddy situation here as Hellickson is also susceptible to basestealers in that he isn’t quick to home plate. Molina’s framing and throwing were an early Christmas present for the young kid out of Iowa.

4) How many innings do we see from Matt Moore this year?  Does he break camp with the team?  I’ve already dropped my Matt Moore fantasy.  Now yours please.

The Rays like to keep increases from season to season at 20%, but it’s with pitch counts, not innings pitched. As long as Moore isn’t turning in Scott Kazmir 2009 specials early in the season, I see no reason why he would be under any kind of restriction in September unless the team is not contending. Then again, after what happened in 2011, the Rays would probably need to be 14 games out for the front office to throw in the white flag. We are 20 days from pitchers and catchers reporting and the Rays still have six starting pitchers. Seven when you factor in the strong likelihood of Alex Cobb going to extended spring training and eight if you consider Alex Torres could pitch in the back end of most rotations in baseball right now. Putting Davis and/or Niemann in the bullpen does nothing to help their trade value, and the bullpen is already a bit crowded with guaranteed spots for Farnsworth, Peralta, Rodney, Howell, and likely McGee. Moore is already under contract so the typical model of the team sending him down past the Super Two deadline is out of the way and if the team did send him down, the fans (insert joke here) would boo louder than they boo a B.J. Upton strikeout looking. The run support should be there this year, much like Hellickson enjoyed last season so if he is up for the full season as a starter, 12+ wins, 180+ K’s is expected, not hoped for.

5) Do Tampa Bay Ray fans live in fear of the day that Andrew Friedman finds out that Jews aren’t supposed to live in Tampa until they collect Social Security?

There’s a rumor that Friedman has part ownership in the team which is why he has turned down lucrative jobs elsewhere. That tells us he is hoping to turn a profit when the team is eventually relocated to a more appreciative market so he can cash in his chips just in time to re-enter a recovering Wall Street market and make more millions to buy his own Island. As long as Gerry Hunsicker is still in the organization, the thought of Friedman leaving is easier to digest. Losing Dan Feinstein to Oakland was a tough talent bleed for the front office but adding former fantasy guru and now scout extraordinaire Jason Grey to the front office was a nice trade-off. Besides, with Jason Grey out of the way, maybe I can finally finish in the top 3 in AL Tout Wars.

What time is it?!  8:25 AM! No, random italicized voice, it’s time for the 2012 Fantasy Baseball Rankings.  Second guess. All the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings will live in that link.  The one that reads 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  It’s also at the top of the page.  No, not “Home.”  To the left of the Fantasy Baseball Forum link.  Now we’re cooking with gas!  If you’re a completist, follow us on Twitter or Facebook.  I don’t go to either site longer than 2 minutes a month, but, as I’ve told ex-girlfriends, sometimes all you need is two minutes.  Hmm… Maybe that’s why they’re ex.  Nah, if I were a selfish lover, I wouldn’t have a mustache.  Now my expositional half insists I breakdown some generalizations about these 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings will be an ever-evolving mass like the blob.  This fantasy baseball top 10 for 2012 list is as of right now and could potentially change with a big injury or Miguel Cabrera breaking a tooth on his maple bat as he tries to extract hops.  So while it is the 2012 fantasy baseball gospel, take it with a tablet of salt.  Tomorrow we will cover the rest of the top twenty for 2012 fantasy baseball then we will go around the horn with a top 20 list for every position.  Then for pitchers and outfielders, I’ll turn the dial to 80.  Listed next to each player are my 2012 projections.  Did I consult with whoever else does projections?  It would be ignorant not to, but in the end they are my projections.  Players need 10 games at a position to get included in the positional rankings.  Finally, as with each list in the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, I will be mentioning where I see tiers start and stop.  I look at tiers like this, if Miguel Cabrera and Albert Pujols are in the same tier, it doesn’t matter if one guy is ranked 1st and one guy is ranked 2nd, they’re both very close. It comes down to personal preference.  I would prefer the guy at number one better than the guy at three, but you do you, I’ll do me and let’s hope we don’t go blind.  Anyway, here’s the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Miguel Cabrera – Even while touring the country with his stage production of Leaving Las Vegas, he still put up MVP-type numbers.  Know why?  Cause Swiggy Cabrera is a freak of nature.  Look at Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and Sam Kinison.  Substance abuse never stopped any of them… Until they hit their 40′s, started bloating and showing up places three days late with nothing but a red Solo cup.  I almost ranked Pujols number one.  If you went that way, I wouldn’t hate on you.  They’re in the same tier, y’all!  I’m still looking forward, not looking back.  Miggy will be 29 years old for the majority of the 2012 season and he’s solidly in his prime.  He doesn’t give you around ten steals like Pujols.  You know what Pujols doesn’t give you?  Healthy elbow tendons.  Miggy’s power has been just okay for him recently, but he’s still good for 30 homers.  So, like Miggy should’ve done, just temper yourself.  Oh, and this is the first tier.  It goes from here until Bautista.  I call this tier, “The top four.  Dur.” 2012 Projections:  105/32/115/.325/3

2. Albert Pujols – I already went over my Pujols 2012 fantasy.  I wrote that while base jumping in the Grand Canyon.  I will say something less sarcastic than Grey usually says (but just as 3rd person-y).  Grey got to see the tail end of Pete Rose’s career, Barry Bonds’s head swelling, Pedro Martinez’s prime with him asking “Who is Karim Garcia?” and enjoyed Cal Ripken’s achievements, but, with Pujols, we’re witnessing one of the top five greatest baseball players ever.  That’s pretty cool.  I will now return to being as cynical as the internet requires.  Thanks a lot, Al Gore!  2012 Projections:  100/35/110/.305/7

3. Joey Votto – He’s more or less a 30-homer, 10-steal, .315-average, 100-run, 100-RBI hitter.  If you get more, then you have the best hitter for fantasy baseball.  If you get less, you will barely get less and he will still be a top 20 hitter.  I’ll take that every day and twice on Muesday.  Last year his walk rate went up and K-rate went down.  His line drives went up so high (not literally) that it actually hurt his power a smidge.  Whatever.  If the worst thing that happens is that he hits too many line drives, you need to listen to your grandfather tell you about walking to school barefoot in the snow while wearing a burlap sack and being required to sing Ethel Merman, i.e., things could be worse.  2012 Projections:  100/30/110/.315/10

4. Jose Bautista – Okay, let’s address the elephant in the room.  No, Prince Fielder isn’t in my room while I write this.  The elephant in the room is I have Bautista after Votto.  I have Bautista lower than some other fantasy baseball ‘perts.  It’s the same tier, but I’m still wary of Bautista.  I’m trying here.  I made a life-sized Bautista cardboard cutout with outstretched arms and I fell into it for a trust exercise and he dropped me.  Bad omen, I say as if I were Yoda.  My biggest fear is after not trusting Bautista last year I will finally draft him and he bombs in the bad way.  Since there’s nothing in his stats that say this should happen, it’s probably totally unrealistic.  Yet… Ugh.  Bautista, why do you conflict me?   2012 Projections:  100/38/105/.265/10

5. Evan Longoria – I want Longoria in every league this year.  If I see him ranked 5th overall by someone else, then I’m moving him up to 4.  If he’s ranked number 4 by someone, I’m moving him up to 3.  If someone has the gall to rank him first, I’m ranking him zero.  And don’t make me go to Sub-Zero.  Ryu-ken!  You best believe I’m Tekken Longoria!  (That’s a pun for the kids.)  His average was .244 last year due to a pee-poor BABIP.  Yet, his K-rate actually went down and his walk rate went up.  His steals went down but he was on first 28 less times last year.  He can easily get 7 to 10 steals if he sees first just a few more times.  I’m not even going to talk about runs and RBIs because of how fickle they are, but there’s no reason to think he won’t see production.  You’re not drafting guys for last year.  You’re drafting them for 2012.  Wanna play in a 2011 throwback league?  Get in a DeLorean and hit the gas.  I’m living on Wisteria Lane and texting Tony Parker what he’s missing.  This, friends, is Longoria’s MVP year.  Oh, and this is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Justin Upton.  I call this tier, “I’m fine taking one of these guys with my first pick; Tulo better not disappoint me.  Why do I always have such trepidations about Tulo?  Maybe it’s the fact he can’t ever stay healthy.”  2012 Projections:  105/34/120/.280/7

6. Matt Kemp – When he lost the MVP, he said now he’s going to go 50/50.  That’s nice, and Tom Cruise wants to be five inches taller so he can see the top of Katie Holmes’s head.  Neither are happening any time soon.  Kemp’s BABIP last year was .380.  Even with his career BABIP’s being fairly high, that’s high.  When his luck regresses and, with as much as he strikes out, he’s not hitting .324 again.  He probably won’t hit .300.  With less times on base, he’ll have fewer steals.  His power was off the charts too.  2011 was a career year.  No matter how much he wants to exceed it.  That doesn’t mean a .290 hitter going 30/25 can’t be valuable.  2012 Projections:  100/30/105/.290/25

7. Troy Tulowitzki – Something about 30 homers just makes everything better.  If Tulo would’ve missed the month of September and only had 27 homers, I think more people would’ve been pushing away from him this year, but he reached that arbitrary benchmark and he has the nice position eligibility.  One of these years we’re actually going to get a full season from Tulo and he’s going to blow the world away.  Since he’s only 27 years old for 2012, it may as well be this year.  Worst case scenario, you get solid 5 categories from a terrible position and he misses a month of games.  Best case scenario, he plays 150+ games, puts up MVP-type numbers and wins you a house during the Century 21 Home Run Derby.  2012 Projections:  95/32/110/.305/10

8. Justin Upton – In the first few rounds, I want as many proven, consistent performers as I can find.  I don’t think that’s Upton.  But he’s so tantalizing!  And talented!  And he’s not an average drain like Fellatio Upton, who is not Kate Upton, though you’d like to think so.  Upton might be the best outfielder and the number one overall pick by next year.  He just went 31/21/.289 at the age of 23 and didn’t do a whole lot that says he can’t do it again.  If anything, he could easily exceed last year’s numbers. At such a young age though, he could take a step back and disappoint.  At the turn in the first round, it’s not a bad gamble to grab Upton and someone less risky like Prince Fielder.  Want someone that could put up the season Kemp just did in 2011?  Little Ups is your man.  2012 Projections:  100/30/100/.300/20

9. Prince Fielder – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here into the top 20 for fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Less exciting than the next tier, but more consistent.”  Immediately you have to ask yourself if you want sexy or consistent.  Sexy can win championships, but consistent can too, which is in no way related to Jorge Cantu.   Fielder is the Saberhagen of hitters.  Your grapes would be hard-pressed to find a hitter that alternates between a great year and a solid, if unspectacular year more than Fielder.  If that holds, we’re looking forward to a solid, if unspectacular year, which almost had me knock him down the rankings.  In the end, I felt that whole on-again, off-again year-to-year performance thing was too anecdotal to give too much credence.  Then I sued John Fogerty because I wanted to use the word credence.  When Prince signed with the Tigers, I went over my Prince Fielder fantasy.  It only has two fat jokes.  Sorry.  2012 Projections:  100/37/115/.280

10. Adrian Gonzalez – Who could’ve predicted Gonzalez would move from Petco to Fenway and have his worst power year since 2006?  Rhetorical!  For some reason (I’m sure someone knows), his ground balls went through the roof (not literally, unless there’s ants reading this).  A ground ball rate of 46.7 is not terrific.  It’s around Bourjos, Austin Jackson and Drew Stubbs’s type ground ball rate.  His BABIP was off the charts lucky, so, with all those ground balls, he was inches away from having a hideous season.  I don’t want to overrate any of this.  He’s still in a great park, solid lineup and the middle of his prime.  Even if he hits only 30 homers (which he should), he’s going to have great counting stats and a decent enough average.  If I had to choose one 1st rounder that might have a disastrous season out of nowhere, I’d choose A-Gon, but that’s a gut call.  We’re not drafting based on my gut, especially not after I just ate Thai.  2012 Projections:  100/32/115/.275

Top 20 catchers, 1st basemen and 2nd basemen for 2011 are in the books.  We continue around the horn (that means we’ll go back for the shortstops; don’t ask, I was getting fancy) bringing us to the top 20 3rd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.   This year 3rd base gave most of you the gas face.  For the most part, you were lucky if you didn’t draft a top ranked one cause most of them bombed.  I mean, Emilio Bonifacio is a top five 3rd baseman?  That’s an eff in the coolie if I’ve ever heard one.  Zimmerman, Longoria, Wright?  Made you look smart in opposite world.  Also, to recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Jose Bautista – A very wise monkey once said, sometimes when you go out on a limb, the branch breaks.  To use limb in another sentence:  I don’t think it’s much of a limb when I say Bautista was my biggest snafu since I started this blog.  I really didn’t believe him at all.  The kicker was usually when I Mr. Bungle a player as bad as I did with Bautista, Rudy will correct me, but he punted Bautista too, so I wasn’t even counterbalanced.  I can’t say this for sure, but it seems like most ‘perts don’t give a flying elbow if they make right or wrong calls, but I will say Bautista taught me one thing.  I don’t like being wrong; it really annoyed me that I mucked him up.  Now watch next year when I project him for 40 homers, he’s gonna hit 12 and make me into a Mr. Bungle once again.   Preseason Rank #12 (Yes, I was that much a non-believer; I had Pedro Alvarez above him.  I will now eat an apple laced with cyanide.), 2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.240/5, Final Numbers:  105/43/103/.302/9

2. Michael Young – Went over Young in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

3. Adrian Beltre – I was pretty accurate with my mid-tier 3rd basemen preseason ranking.  Beltre, Young, Reynolds, Alvarez, Aramis and McGehee turned out as I thought they would, minus McGehee and Alvarez, obviously.  Unfortunately, I ended up with Alvarez and McGehee on more teams than I care to admit.  Alvarez, in particular, killed me.  This, however, is supposed to be about Beltre.  As soon as he signed with the Rangers, any trepidation I had went out the window.  Man Standing Outside My Metaphorical Window, “Stopping throwing trepidation on me!”  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/24/95/.285/7, Final Numbers:  82/32/105/.296/1

4. Aramis Ramirez – Here’s one way to look at how pee poor the 3rd basemen were.  I pretty much nailed Aramis’s projections with his final numbers and I ranked him 11th and he finished 4th.  That, more or less, means seven 3rd basemen bombed.  Also, more or less should be one word.  Moreorless — doesn’t that look better?  You’re welcome, English language; I’m fixing you.  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  75/25/90/.280, Final Numbers:  80/26/93/.306/1

5. Emilio Bonifacio – There’s nothing I can say that will illustrate how bad the 3rd basemen are that can’t be said by just seeing how high Bonifacio ranked here.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  78/5/36/.296/40

6. Jhonny Peralta – After looking like a lock for 20+ homers and a .270 average back in 2008, he wrestled with major league pitching like I wrestle with his superfluous H.  Due to some luck, his average was about 20 points too high, but everything else seems right in line with what he can do.  He’s ranked this high because 3rd basemen sucked this year.  Have you heard that before?  Yeah, thought so.  Preseason Ranked #16 for Shortstops, 2011 Projections:  65/17/80/.255, Final Numbers:  68/21/86/.299

7. Pablo Sandoval – In the preseason, I compared him to an in-his-prime Lyle Overbay.  Still sounds about right.  Before you scoff, scoffer.  Lyle Overbay’s best year 82/22/92/.312/5 was better than this year by Sandoval.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  70/18/80/.305/3, Final Numbers:  55/23/70/.315/2

8. Mark Reynolds – Went over Reynolds in the top 20 1st basemen post.

9. Ryan Roberts – Went over Roberts in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

10. Evan Longoria – I may still rank Longoria in the 1st round next year.  Absolutely nothing changed for him except his luck fell off the map.  If it wasn’t for bad luck, he would’ve had no luck at all.  His K-rate actually went down, his walk rate went up, his HR/FB% stayed where it should be.  I may even pick him to win the MVP next year.  I will probably say some variation of the preceding a dozen times this offseason, so if you missed this, don’t worry.  And if you read the preceding, forget it so it seems fresh the next twelve times I say it.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  105/33/115/.280/10, Final Numbers: 78/31/99/.244/3

11. Edwin Encarnacion – On one hand, I can’t believe Encarnacion ranked this high.  On the other hand, it’s more of an indictment of the 3rd basemen because his numbers don’t look that good.  On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on the end of a broomstick, he was valuable in the 2nd half of the year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  70/17/55/.272/8

12. Chipper Jones – He didn’t go unranked in the preseason because I overlooked him.  He was coming off a year when he nearly retired from injuries.  In fact, I think he did retire then decided to come back, if I remember it correctly.  Whatever.  Glass Chipper hits when he’s healthy but that ‘when’ is the size of King Kong Bundy.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  56/18/70/.275/2

13. Alex Rodriguez – It totally bit me in the ass saying I wanted a 3rd baseman in the first two rounds of last year’s drafts.  3rd base was my cross to bear, or bare if you’re a nudist.  A-Rod, Wright and Zimmerman were off the charts terrible.  Sure, A-Rod had the decency to get injured so you could replace him, but who were you replacing him with?  Wilson Betemit?  David Freese?  Bleh and Belch.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  90/32/110/.280/7, Final Numbers:  67/16/62/.276/4

14. Kevin Youkilis – It’s easy to say this was an off season for Youuuuuuk, but, at age 32, this could be the beginning of the end.  This is the third year in a row that he’s failed to top 136 games and the 2nd year in a row he didn’t hit 20 homers.  On a side note, here’s what I said in the preseason about Youk, “Other fantasy baseball ‘perts will say 1st base is one of the deepest positions and you shouldn’t pay for it on draft day.  …Do you feel as safe with Youuuuuk as you would with, say, Te(i)x?  I wouldn’t.  Do you feel as safe with Morneau as Fielder?  Do you feel as safe with Dunn as you do with any of the first basemen in the 1st tier?  And this is only one tier down.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Sure, that was about 1st basemen, but it mentioned Youk so I included it here.  Sue me for your zero dollar subscription fee.  Preseason Rank #8 for 1st basemen, 2011 Projections:  95/27/95/.300/5, Final Numbers:  68/17/80/.258/3

15. David Wright – It wasn’t just that the 3rd basemen were bad this year, but it was worse than that.  The good 3rd basemen weren’t just less good so you still got some draft value.  Across the board, 3rd basemen killed you.  For the first time, I felt like Wright didn’t care either.  I get it, you can go 1-for-4 with a run.  How about you hit a home freakin’ run?!  I think Metco is in his head too.  If the Mets move the fences in only one foot, but told him they moved the fences in thirty feet it would have the same impact on his power.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  95/30/105/.285/17, Final Numbers:  60/14/61/.254/13

16. Daniel Murphy – Went over Murphy in the top 20 2nd basemen post.

17. Albert Callaspo – Was about as steady a performer as you can find with his 3 homer, 3 steal 1st half and 3 homer, 5 steal 2nd half.  This was an illustration of how being steady isn’t always a good thing.  Callaspo may have to replace Polanco in the yawnstipating definition.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  54/6/46/.288/8

18. Ryan Zimmerman – If a player’s season can be summed up by the company he’s keeping on the year-end rankings, look at the players around Zimmerman.  Callaspo’s above him!  Daniel Murphy had a better season than Zimmerman and he stopped playing on August 7th!  I’d say 2011 was a step back for Zimmerman, but it was more like a step back, then he fell into a ditch, then someone popped a squat above him and crapped on his head.  On a side note, I’m way off on a lot of these 3rd basemen projections, but I guarantee you all ‘perts are off with these guys.  No one could’ve told you Wright, Zimmerman, etc would’ve been this bad.  I only mention this because I think it’s ridiculous some people charge for their projections.  I could pretty much tell you what any player is going to do assuming their healthy, barring a few here and there like Bautista.  But guys like Bautista are me going on a limb.  I could’ve told you 35 homers and a .280 average like everyone else and been less wrong, but what fun is that?  Now someone help me down from my soapbox.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  90/32/100/.285/5, Final Numbers:  52/12/49/.289/3

19. Martin Prado – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.

20. Chase Headley – If you ever wondered to yourself whether or not 3rd base was really as bad as it seemed this year, notice Chase Headley making the top 20.  Then notice he had 4 home runs on the year.  He only hit one homer at home all year.  All year!  On the positive side, he outperformed Casey McGehee.  Recurring Theme, “The third basemen were really bad this year.”  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  70/15/85/.255/7, Final Numbers:  43/4/44/.289/13

On the first day of the season, I said something profound and uplifting.  Don’t go back to look.  I’m sure I did.  Today, I’m like Mark Twain talking about summer in San Francisco but less pithy.  The coldest winter I ever spent was the last day of the baseball season.  It’s metaphorical, friend.  Trust me.  Here’s where I tell you how everything’s gonna be okay.  How there will be a next season, barring the Mayans taking things into their own hands… I can’t do that.  I can’t tell you there will be a next season.  *checking notes*  Actually, I can do that.  There will be a next season.  Hey, that’s good news!  Also, next year we’ll know not to draft Morneau.  That’s more good news!  And next year we’ll be done with the hair transplant so girls will start to react favorably to us.  That’s good news too!  So, I know you’re blue, but without clouds there’s no sun.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s true.  Again, metaphorical.  Or is that meteorological?  You know what?  These aren’t things we need to get hung up on.  We’re gonna sit here, read all my year-end recaps that’ll be coming in the next few weeks and wait until next year.  Even if gangrene sets into our legs from lack of circulation!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Laid down a bunt single then had himself removed from the game to guarantee he won the batting title.  That’s not how Ted Williams would’ve liked it.  He risked a .400 average to take all his ABs in the last game of the season.  The only time he quit while ahead was after death.

Miguel Batista – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the Mets-Reds game, Batista learned that this great start was all a hilarious stunt for a new show on MLB.TV called “Last Wish” starring the incomparable Steve “Psycho” Lyons.  Gotcha, Miguel!  Stay tuned for Sean Casey’s talk show ‘The Mayor’ where guests come out and chat while standing on 1st base.

Cubs – Reached out to Tampa Bay’s Andrew Friedman to take over their vacant GM job.  Unfortunately, Bartman deflected Friedman and the Cubs couldn’t make the catch.  Moises so mad!

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer.  I told you he’d be a sleeper this year!  Deep, effin’ REM sleeper.  I hate this schmohawk.  I’d like to write Beckham’s blurb with cut-out magazine letters from the basement of an undisclosed location.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now here’s an underperforming sleeper I can get behind (every year and every year he fails to live up to expectations).

Hector Sanchez – 1-for-4.  How many Sanchezes does this team have?  Jonathan, Freddy, this other guy… Does Sabean think Sanchez translates to 35-year-old player?  Call them Tres Sanchezes and they play just outside Creme de Carmel, California.  BTW, with the addition of Hector, Sanchez just edged out Sandoval as the surname with the highest net weight in the Giants clubhouse.

Phil Humber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Wasn’t in love with his K-rate this year and I’m not convinced it’s ever gonna nudge above 7.  Though he can maintain around a 3.75 ERA next year. #Humberbrag

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he blew the save and the Braves playoff chances.  What a Wohlers.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he beat the Royals’ Bruce Chen who went 8 IP, 0 ER.  There was no actual runs in this game.  Mercy rule was called so these two teams could return home to people who care about them.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 and 2 more homers against Scioscia and the Angels to bring his season total to 30 homers.  Me, Napoli and his mom’s nipples have made it to the mountain top!  And it’s chilly!  Which is perfect weather.  So we have to snuggle.

Dan Johnson – Hit a huge homer for the Rays to tie up the game in the ninth.  How is Johnson even playing?  He was Pipp’d by Monoboy.  What a great day for baseball.  Speaking of which…

Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers with one being the walk off winner that took the Rays to the postseason.  Hopefully now Longoria can forget about finding out who Tony Parker was sleeping with.

Mark Teixeira – 2 homers, 5 RBIs and… Oh, who cares?  Did you see the Rays, Braves and Red Sox games?

Cole Gillespie – Homered in the heat of the ninth.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 27th steal.  I know I’m a damn fool for Young, but bear with me.  Or bare, if you’re a naturist.  He had 41 singles this year and 26 walks.  That means he was on first roughly 67 times (I say roughly because if he legged out a single and then there was an error, he’d end up on second, I’m not looking into shizz that closely).  So imagine he played in 155 games and got on first 150 times.  He’d have like a thousand steals.  Or 50+.  Either way, please let someone free Eric Young Jr. from platoon duty.  He’s got a family to feed!

Chris Carpenter – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Sure, it was against the Astros B lineup… Wait a second, that’s not their B lineup.  Aw, Shuck.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Mariners which is worse than the Astros B lineup.

Milton Bradley – Was arrested yesterday on suspicion of battery.  No word yet on Milton Bradley’s accomplices, but I’m sure the Parker brothers will be brought in for questioning.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The Nationals season is like getting a massage at a shady parlor.  Awkward, messy, but at least you get a happy ending.

This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear.  Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something.  13 strikeouts yesterday?!  Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year.  I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good.  Sure, I’m pretty easy.  Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP.  Fister?!  I hardly knew her!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning.  You can call him Upchuck Beltran.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has four homers in the past week.  Pick him up in all leagues.  For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  You know, Feign Victorino.  So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.

Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more.  I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.

Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks.  If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.

Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader.  Take that, Ryan Seacrest!

Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale.  Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.

Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time.  Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher.  BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games.  He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff.  Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs.  Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs.  Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races.  Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team.  Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams.  It’ll mean ratings.  Die, football, die!  My toupee will now take questions.”

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year.  Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer.  Desmond Jennings who?  OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did, Al Caps.  NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did.  DAMN.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He totally roped me in again.  I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams.  He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.

Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers.  One for each of his oversized areolas.

John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save.  Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings.  His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season.  Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.

Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs.  It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260.  If only he’d hit .260…

Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.

Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle.  His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution.  Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.

Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year.  The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs.  Slash slash dot dot.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers.  On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee.  I told them to lose Lee.  I’m sorry, friend.  DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner?  How about that name, ‘son?

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  At least one Sizemore is performing this year.  If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS.  Here’s a riddle for you:  What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common?  If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club.  Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck.  I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.

Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday.  Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals).  No doubt, Stefani.  But his OBP is .297.  Um, burp?

Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm.  See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth.  Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago.  He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.

Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers.  The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.