You missed out on Julio Urias and are like, “I will never miss out on another top prospect call up, I promise you that,” then you stick your pinkie out to pinkie swear with your reflection, only the girl you’re seeing walks in on you pinkie swearing with yourself and you need to come up with an excuse, so you tell her, you’re practicing drinking tea with your pinkie out and that works because you’re dating Princess Iman bint Al-Hussein of Jordan, who your friends were more impressed with when they thought you were dating Michael Jordan’s lesbian daughter. Well, in order to keep your promise to yourself, you Promise Keeper, you need to pick up Jameson Taillon now now now. Not now, not now now, but now now now. Three nows. An extra now when now now is not fast enough. Why now now now? The Pirates skipped him this past week because they want him to throw more in the majors. Now (one now) they are simply sitting on him until they can call him up in the first week of June. I’d guess Niese or Locke get one more start in the rotation, then Jameson will be here. Is he that good? His numbers are kinda ridiculous in Triple-A — 9+ K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 1.82 ERA. I will now climb into my giant iguana skin throw rug and laugh hysterically like a madman. Jameson can be the number one call-up pitcher this year, and should be owned now now now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Devon Travis was activated from the DL yesterday (1-for-4, 1 run). Be interesting to see what he can do in his return from shoulder surgery. Shoulder surgery never really stopped anyone from doing well before. “Yes, Michael Brantley? Ask your question. Okay, if you’re not going to ask your question, at least put your arm down. You can’t put down your arm? Oh.” The Blue Jays said that Travis could move up the order soon, and hit leadoff. No way, Azul Jays! You mean Jose Bautista isn’t a leadoff hitter? That’s downright shocking. I never would’ve guessed that. Shiver me Timberlands, and stockpile my hatch chiles before Trump kicks New Mexico out of the union. There’s been a lot of talk in the comments about how unenthused I am for Travis, and it’s not entirely true. I would take a flyer on him in all leagues, but it takes hitters a while to return from shoulder surgery, so I’d tempura my expectations. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
While Bryce Harper is ice cold, Major League Baseball’s other superstar, Mike Trout, is heating up. Over the last seven days, Trout is batting .370 with two home runs and gets a cake matchup on Tuesday night. It may be tough to fit Trout into your lineup given his price tag, but it’s going to be worth it. Trout is like a tall glass of water. He’s a beacon of light on the hill. A superstar in his mid-20s, Trout is who women want and who men want to be. If you can fit Chris Sale and Trout in the same lineup with a solid number two SP, you could be well on your way to god status. Alright, enough with the superlatives. Just play Trout and enjoy the elite production.
New to DraftKings? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday May 30th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Sonny Gray hit the Disgraceful List with a combination of ineffectiveness and Grey calling him a preseason schmohawk. My schmohawks: Schwarber, Pollock, Gray, Tulo and Sano. If I were Sano, I’d move into the giant bubble that Tulo is apparently living in to still be healthy. Seriously, if you were placing odds in the preseason on which one of those would hit the DL, Tulo would be 10 to 1 odds as the first one; Pollock likely 2nd since he was nursing an elbow issue in the preseason; third would be Schwarber because he was playing a position he had no business playing and bound to run into a wall; finally, Gray because I put the kavorka on my namelganger, which is a magic spell so hideous that no amount of Creoles with an unlimited supply of chickens to sacrifice could reverse that hex. By the by, everything I know of Creole black magic I learned from Angel Heart. Gray has a 6+ ERA, so you can DL him if you have room, but I could see just dropping him if you don’t. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My years of sitting in French cafes, smoking really long cigarettes and wearing a beret, while sneering at children and puppies, has taken its toll. I’m no longer the innocent fantasy baseballer who picks up just any potential rookie call-up. I have more discerning tastes now. When I was a mere jejune tot, I’d sip a combination of ale and grenadine my bartendress called a Monaco and talk about Super 2’s and so-and-so was going to be the next Ryan Braun-like call-up. I’m no longer a tot; now, I’m a full potato, and I drink gin with extra juniper berries. Crunching on juniper berries, coughing from a tumor, watching cyclists in spandex shorts, carrying baguettes. The days bleed together. I take out my daily planner and pencil, lick the pencil, turn the calendar day to make a note to, “Buy more Virginia Slim 120s,” when I read a note to myself, “It’s almost June, start picking up rookie call-ups, you dipshit!” Ah, yes, Daily Planner Grey has a point. Today, I decided to highlight Trea Turner. At this point, he feels like the number one call-up. A.J. Reed, Jameson Taillon, Tyler Glasnow, Orlando Arcia might make bigger impacts, but the Nats consider themselves a playoff team and they’re in a heated division battle right now. I doubt they let Dusty simply ignore Turner because Espinosa is older. Older really isn’t a reason to play someone. An exec has to relay that to Dusty at some point. Turner looks like he could be a Francisco Lindor-type from last year — 7-10 HRs, 15-18 steals, solid average. Basically, a top ten shortstop from the time he’s called up. I would stash him now–*coughs* Sorry, I accidentally bought Virginia Slim 140s. The extra 20 is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Junior Guerra has a backstory that puts the odd in odyssey. The Braves signed him as a 16-year-old catcher out of Venezuela. In 2006, he had position reassignment surgery and became a pitcher. As a herbathrowdite in Georgia, bathrooms and strike zones were hard to find, so he was released. He found courage from the support group, “PAC IO,” which is Pitchers And Catchers Input/Output, and tried his hand at Independent leagues. Eventually, he played in Mexico, Spain, and Italy. In Italy, it was especially difficult to be a pitcher because every time a hitter came up to the plate a large, mustachioed woman umpire would say, “Guerra, you hafta throw the meatballs. C’mon, the hitter’s starvin’ over here.” And Guerra’s cheeks would constantly be pinched. But, miraculously, Robin Ventura found him in Italy, while mistakenly thinking that’s where Jim Rome taped his show, and signed him. Of course, the White Sox had no place for Guerra, and his journey took him to Milwaukee, allowing him to be the first person with an Italian stamp on his passport in Milwaukee since Arthur Fonzarelli. Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks to move his record to 3-0. He’s touched 99 MPH with his fastball, averaging around 92-95 and has a split-finger change that falls off the map like an explorer in the 1400’s. Is he more than a streamer? Hard to say at this point. He will get strikeouts and faces the Braves next so I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and grab him for that start. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Hey, I’ll take two home runs from Khris Davis and be more than happy. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll take one homer. Gently farting in your direction, Prince Fielder. Three homers? Well that is too much for my little old heart.” So began the monologue I told myself in my mirror last night. I was wearing a fedora with a feather in it and no pants. That’s added color for you to understand the scene. Then, it was the ninth, the A’s in the lead and Davis’s night looked over with two homers until. Dot dot dot. Ian Desmond homered off Ryan Madson and sent the game into the bottom of the ninth inning. Khris Davis came up to the plate, bases loaded, already with two homers on his scoresheet, could he hit one more? Could my monologue presented to my reflection come to fruition? Could my neighbors stop screaming for me to put on pants? Yes on all three! Finished the night with 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and three homers (9, 10, 11). I had Davis ranked around eight rounds higher than anyone else because I thought he could easily hit 30 homers in an age when 30 homers doesn’t come that easily. Has anything changed since the preseason? Yeah, the date. Dur. I love Khris Davis and right now looks even better than his namelganger, Chris Davis. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Danny Valencia had himself a nice little weekend. On Friday, he hit two homers, then yesterday he became only the third player to ever have a three-homer game (3-for-5, 5 RBIs) against the Rays (last one was Carlos Delgado in 2003), and only the 2nd player that also stood for the pregame National Anthem. Valencia grew up Jewish, and, according to Wikipedia, “(Valencia’s) two key hitting coaches growing up were Bob Molinaro, a family friend who is a former major leaguer, and his mother Mindy.” I didn’t have a Jewish mother, but have plenty of experience being half-Jewish, so I can imagine the guilt trips he got, “Why don’t you marry a nice Jewish girl and stop swinging at balls in the dirt?” “You never call your mother, and you’re opening up too soon.” “You can go take batting practice after you give your mother a kiss.” Wikipedia doesn’t mention it, but one less guilt-inducing hitting coach he had was Jose Bautista. Valencia learned how to hit for more power from Joey Bats. Since Bautista imparted wisdom on Valencia, he’s hit 30 homers in the last 580 ABs. So, can Valencia keep it going? It appears so. Now finish your latkes and keep your hands back! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hold the Internet presses (which is just posting a silly video; that makes the internet stop)! Jonathan Villar isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues? That feels like a personal slight against my manhood. And my manhood is already slight! Hey, Previous Sentence Grey, not cool! My bad, Next Sentence Grey, but you set yourself up! This is like a Yo Momma episode on MTV where everyone called in sick so they had one schizophrenic guy play both sides. Yo, Momma is so fat her blood type is gravy! *same guy runs to other side* Oh! Oh! Okay, well, your Momma is so dumb she drafted A.J. Pollock! Snap! *runs to the other side, but pulls hammy* Yo Momma, shoot, can we pause? My hammy’s torn. *collapses onto ground* Don’t think MTV didn’t consider the one man Yo Momma show. Insider talk, they are one of the cheapest channels. It’s no surprise all of their shows star unknowns. Okay, this is neither funny nor that illuminating. I love Villar because SAGNOF. I hear ya, prematurely balding man, what happens when Arcia is called up? Well, we don’t know when Orlando Arcia will be called up and Villar can play 3rd (since everyone is over Hill, especially Aaron) or Villar can play 2nd, and Scooter’s a platoon guy that can’t always get it out of first. Villar has 40-steal speed and should not be on waivers anywhere. *pulled hammy Yo Momma guy pokes his head up* Yo Momma is so ugly…Yeah, I can’t continue, my hammy is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’d like to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there, and to the most important mother in most of our lives, Manny Machado. The Oxford Dictionary defines mother, “something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale.” So, one can say that Manny Machado is the mother of all shortstops and 3rd basemen. Yesterday, on Machado’s Day, a true mother in the most arcane sense, he went 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (8, 9). He’s gaining shortstop eligibility for next year because Hardy hurt himself and the Orioles realized that necessity is the Machado of invention. So, next year, is there any way he’s not in the top three overall for all of fantasy? I guess if he gets hurt. Did I just jinx him? What a Machado f**ker! Whatever the case, there’s no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand; you are appreciated. Sweet Manny, don’tcha know, I love ya (Dear Machado). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?