This Frankencatcher Report was a tough one to write. It began as a piece hailing the return of Evan Gattis and mentioning Blake Swihart as a potential roll-of-the-dice pickup. The Red Sox called Swihart up to get a look in left field when Brock Holt hit the disabled list with what appears to be a pretty serious concussion, as he has now been on the DL for about a month.

But then Swihart ran into a wall.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A little rest never hurt anyone, right? The Marlins had this secret preseason plan to rest Jose Fernandez during the season and it happened to fall during his last scheduled start. Well, guess what? He’s back! Fernandez is a machine. He’s filthy, he’s dominant, and he’s mowing down the competition like Clayton Kershaw; only he’s right-handed and gets paid a lot less. Fernandez leads the league with a 13.2 K/9. That equals out to 118 strikeouts in 80.2 innings pitched. His opponent, the Braves, are just so, so bad. Collectively, they’re batting .235 and Fernandez is going to make them look absolutely silly. The only caveat here is that you’re going to have to use just over 27 percent of your salary just to roster him with a $13,700 price tag. Nevertheless, it’s not even a big risk given the opponent. Ole! Use Jose!

New to DraftKings? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 27th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day?  They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day.  “Ooh, a swing and a miss.  Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.”  “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.”  “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?”  Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies!  Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day.  Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us!  His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66.  I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up.  He’s obviously not this good.  His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally.  Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there.  By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wikipedia says groupthink is, “A psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome.  Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences.  Now spend forty minutes randomly popping around the internet until you somehow end up on an exercise video of Morgan Fairchild.”  I’m sure someone has already done this, but you know how there’s Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?  Why isn’t there an internet six degrees to tepid porn?  No matter where you are, you are six clicks from tepid porn.  Any hoo!  I was thinking about groupthink because of the comments on this site, but it’s more like groupspeak.  Just listen to what the groupspeak say.  Sometimes you get comments that can be helpful, even if they’re not intentionally trying to be helpful.  If you see ten to twenty random comments asking about Danny Duffy, a pattern emerges.  A beautiful snowflake pattern because every comment is different unless it’s a catcher question.  With that many people asking about Duffy, there might be something there.  So, I looked at his stats, and, J. Lo and behold, his peripherals are gorge.  In 43 IP, he has a 10.3 K/9, 1.5 BB/9 and a 3.52 xFIP.  He’s there with a 95.7 MPH fastball and a change that is buckling hitters.  These are not waiver wire pitcher peripherals.  These are ace pitcher numbers.  I’d go pick him up right now…Which should only take you three clicks, so you have three more clicks to find Morgan Fairchild doing crunches.  Enjoy (or be careful)!  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Back at it again with the fresh Disgrace/Delight posts. Naaaaaaasty! We are here, my goodmen, to discuss the downfalls and risings of some of the most skilled athletes on this planet. I shall do my utmost to lock the derogatory comments in my cranium and not bestow them on the good readers of Razzball, for I am not here to offend, but to teach. I am not here to decry these talented young men, only to track their progress as professional athletes and root them on towards future glory and the type of massive wealth that peasants such as ourselves could truly never comprehend. Buuuuuuuuut, you’ve got to be realistic about these things. For I, favorite son of the Elder Gods, just can’t pass up an opportunity to roast a slap-dick hitting, noodle-armed throwing, ass shaving pansy, that would be better served mowing the lawn at Beddict manor, than being rostered in our fantasy lineups.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!

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James Shields was traded to the White Sox for Erik Johnson and Fernando Tatis Jr.  I remember well his father, Fernando Tatis Jr. (yes, they are both juniors; not at all confusing).  I remember Tatis because he was the reason back in 2000, I said on my Geocities site, Fantasy Baseball and Neon Green Backgrounds, the following, “The Cardinals won’t bring up Albert Pujols because they have Fernando Tatis.  Let’s just be grateful we made it through Y2K with all of our AOL emails intact.  I got this forward from my uncle that is hilarious!  Also, I think JC Chasez is easily the best singer in NSYNC.  Justin Timberlake?  More like Give-Me-A-Timberbreak!”  Wow, that didn’t age well at all.  So, the Padres finally listened to me and attempted to get younger.  No idea about this Tatis; he’s so young he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet — and Carson Cistulli has a Wiki page longer than Harriet Tubman!  Elsewhere, Erik Johnson becomes an NL-Only add, but his wonky control leaves him a streamer for now in mixed leagues.  As for Shields, leaving Petco + aging pitcher who hasn’t looked great for over a year now = Aged Balsamic.  Hmm, math’s off there, was supposed to equal risky bet for mixed leagues with increased win potential and decreased ratios.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Archie Bradley pitched six innings of four hit ball Friday night against the Cubs, allowing one run, walking three and striking out ten. Archie has been a highly touted prospect for a while, but hasn’t really been able to put it all together, until now, dot dot dot, question mark? But the real question mark here–Betty or Veronica? I was always a Ronnie guy, because I am a masochist and I prefer a woman who hates my guts. Regardless, after struggling in spot starts in April and early May (2 GS, 10.1 IP, 14 hits, 9 ER, 7 BB, 6 K), and holding a plus-6 ERA in 10 career major league starts, Archie has returned to the bigs in a big way. In two starts since being recalled, Bradley holds a 2.70 ERA and 0.90 WHIP in 13.1 innings, with a 19/4 K/BB ratio that will make your fantasy team real happy happy. Slightly more impressive when you consider yesterday’s start was on the road against a fearsome Chicago line up. I was gonna stream him, but then I was like, “nah.” That was a mistake. I won’t doubt you again, Archie. Bradley was rocking a 1.99 ERA, 1.08 WHIP with 47 strikeouts in 7 starts at AAA Reno this season, so it’s clear he’s ready for the next level. I would grab Bradley in all leagues where he’s available. Grey told you to BUY and he gets a cushy match up with the Rays next week. Don’t be a Jughead, grab Archie!

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Super Two’s time has come, finally.  The rules for Super Two’s are as following:  any player(s) that has not been called up previously or has been called up previously but has more than and less than 180 service time days.  Service time days are counted backwards from 180 and if you get to 75 before you fall asleep, their service time has started.  Players who have Scott Boras call the management of the player’s team about service time will not have their service time start.  If Boras does not call, but his assistant does call, then service time does not start, unless the commissioner, Our Manfred, has to call Boras back directly.  Then service time counts two times as fast or the player has to pitch or hit at a rate of 12 frames per second, which is fast motion.  Of course, I have no idea when A.J. Reed or anyone else will be called up!  No one does!  Teams themselves can’t figure out Super Two.  Delegates vs. super delegates is less confusing, but, obviously, also less important.  Leave it to Major League Baseball to give you the most arcane rules possible.  Reed hasn’t been tearing up Triple-A, but neither has Tyler White in the majors, and the Astros are committed to winning, and winning means trying Reed.  Even if he hasn’t killed Triple-A, it doesn’t mean he won’t hit well in the majors, and he has big-time power.  Now is the time to grab him in every league, his Super Two thing that no one understands is just about to happen!  (So, was he a Super One before?  Jesus, can’t someone just say everyone becomes eligible to be called up on June 1st?  Would that be too hard?)  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Felix Hernandez hit the DL with a calf strain.  He could veal it during his last start.  Sounds like a good injury to milk.  Sorry, I was just shaking out the pockets of these jeans I wore last night and I had a bunch of unused cow puns.  What’s a dad cow’s poop called?  Pa-nure!  Take it, Highlights, it’s yours!  So, James Paxton was called up to replace F-Her, who is likely going to only miss a few weeks, but Paxton could continue to get starts if he’s good.  So, can Paxton be good?  Is there’s twelve posts in post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper?  Paxton has shown flashes of brilliance with his 94 MPH fastball but the M’s have wanted Paxton to improve on a bunch of pitches and he’s already 27 years old, so is improvement coming?  Well, he had a 3.97 ERA in Triple-A this year and Steamer projects him as a streamer, so I have no faith whatsoever.   Speaking of faith, yesterday Paxton gave up runs like his character gave out marriage proposals.  Looking at his line is like looking at Chloe Sevigny — 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 unearned runs.  Paxton’s like when Picasso stood up from the toilet.  He’d look down and say, “That’s a work in progress.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You missed out on Julio Urias and are like, “I will never miss out on another top prospect call up, I promise you that,” then you stick your pinkie out to pinkie swear with your reflection, only the girl you’re seeing walks in on you pinkie swearing with yourself and you need to come up with an excuse, so you tell her, you’re practicing drinking tea with your pinkie out and that works because you’re dating Princess Iman bint Al-Hussein of Jordan, who your friends were more impressed with when they thought you were dating Michael Jordan’s lesbian daughter.  Well, in order to keep your promise to yourself, you Promise Keeper, you need to pick up Jameson Taillon now now now.  Not now, not now now, but now now now.  Three nows.  An extra now when now now is not fast enough.  Why now now now?  The Pirates skipped him this past week because they want him to throw more in the majors.  Now (one now) they are simply sitting on him until they can call him up in the first week of June.  I’d guess Niese or Locke get one more start in the rotation, then Jameson will be here.  Is he that good?  His numbers are kinda ridiculous in Triple-A — 9+ K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 1.82 ERA.  I will now climb into my giant iguana skin throw rug and laugh hysterically like a madman.  Jameson can be the number one call-up pitcher this year, and should be owned now now now.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?