We’re gonna try and turn over a new, positive leaf here at Razzball. No longer are we going to sing the blues when one of our favorites doesn’t make the team. We’re gonna emoticon all over your face for someone else. That other person just happens to be the guy replacing Mike Minor in the rotation. Three ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce to you, Mr. Brandon Beachy. In Triple-A last year, Beachy had a 9+ K/9 with just over a 1 BB/9 through 45 2/3 IP. That’s purdy. Let’s see more! Okay, random italicized voice. In Double-A earlier last year, he had a 12+ K/9 and about a 2 and a half BB/9. Not bad, but what’s behind curtain number 3?! Random italicized voice, don’t you have some random italicized television to watch? Snippy! I loved Mike Minor, but you know what? I can get behind Brandon Beachy, in the non-sexual way. Has solid strikeout stuff and good control. Everywhere you have Minor, go with Beachy. Or Jordan Zimmermann, he’s still butter with the “ER.” (<–That’s my expression but feel free to use it.) Anyway, here’s some more news from fantasy baseball:
Kevin Slowey – Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy as he was sent to the buwwpen.
Kendrys Morales – Shut down now because of soreness in his foot. Must be from carrying around that extra S.
Chris Coghlan – Will be ready for Opening Day. Man, that’s some yawnstipating news.
Ben Francisco – Haven’t seen this doode on too many teams in the comments. Why is that? Not rhetorical.
Brett Gardner – Will bat leadoff against righties. How is he worse than Ellsbury? Rhetorical!
Frank Francisco – Wait a second, he went to see Dr. Freeze and now he’s going to the DL? That’s just crazy talk. I’d grab Rauch, but, unfortunately, Dotel is looking healthy so he could monkey wrench up this shituation.
Curtis Granderson – Out with a strain of the oblique. Better than one of those monkey strains that Dustin Hoffman saved the world from in Outbreak. Or is it?! Yeah, I think it probably is. As of this roundup, no news how long Grandy would be out but I’m guessing he’ll miss at least two weeks of the season.
Eugenio Velez – Sprained his ankle. Dusty Baker said of Velez’s ankles, “I’d like to chew on those toothpicks.”
Will Rhymes – As reported here last week here then argued about how I was wrong in the comments, Rhymes is starting at 2nd for the Tigers. Since Leyland’s making out the lineup cards, he’ll probably hit Rhymes second. Why do you care? Because Will be rhyming and stealing. It’s SAGNOF, ya’ll. Act like you know, MC Lyte.
Marlon Byrd – Has been on fire in spring training. And, usually, you put a bowl of crap in one hand and spring training stats in the other and see which one weighs more. Yet… Actually this is a big YET, Byrd will hit third in the lineup and had a big 1st half last year. And that’s Grey getting excited about a Byrd in the three hole! Hmm, that sounds like something that could get you prison time.
Jake Peavy – Threw from 40 feet yesterday. Only problem it was 40 feet high. He dropped the ball from a building.
You’ll have to excuse me; I’m a bit hoarse after a weekend in Vegas, so don’t ask me to yell. All caps are just too much right now. I’m not sure where I lost my voice. May have been during our spirited game of Pai Gow Poker. What was I doing playing $15 hands of a game where I literally just turned my cards over so the dealer could tell me how to play them? It’s the free drinks, ya’ll! About eighty dollars worth a free drinks to be exact. Oh, and Ubaldo was pitching a no-hitter and Pai Gow Poker had the best seats in the house. I think even the three 70-year-old Asian ladies at the table with us were into it by the ninth. Hair’s to you, Ubaldo! Either way, I’m spent so I’ll have to keep my enthusiasm on simmer for now about Ike Davis. Let’s start this mofo with what Stephen said in the Mets’ Minor League Review, “After hitting zero home runs in 215 at-bats in 2008, doubters began questioning his “raw power,” but failed to consider an oblique injury. Splitting time between High-A and Double-A, Davis flat-out raked. Not necessarily the most polished hitter, he still has some work to do with his swing and strikeout rate, but he should continue to hit for power as he keeps a decent rate of balls in the air (42.8 FB%).” And that’s me quoting Stephen! In nine games in Triple-A Buffalo, Davis has two homers as he hits a robust .357. Not to be confused with the girls in Vegas, who are mo’bust. The Mets are calling up Davis in the next week. Do I take a flier on him in 12 team or deeper mixed leagues? Certainly. Do I expect the 2nd coming of Hayzeus Cristo? Nope. But if he hits in first few games, his value will go sky high and you’ll be able to trade him for more than he’s worth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mike Jacobs – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to “stop sucking.”
Derek Jeter – Will return on Tuesday after missing yesterday’s game with a head cold. Good to see he’s quickly on the mend because a head cold sidelined Greinke for a year.
Aaron Rowand – On the DL with three fractures in his cheekbones that he sustained from a Padilla fastball. In related news, Charlie Haeger’s fastball plunked a mosquito. The mosquito’s day-to-day.
Eugenio Velez – Guess who now has a new every day job? Conan O’Brien? Um, yeah, but also Velez. He’s terrible at everything, except speed. Oh, what glorious burners he has. So, as always, SAGNOF.
Barry Zito – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks and was Alexander Hamilton to Clayton Kershaw’s Aaron Burr (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks). I’d avoid tough matchups with Zito, but he was ownable last year in most mixed leagues and now through three starts his ERA is below 2.
Franklin Morales – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Now has back-to-back blown saves. Rafael Betancourt, cuddle boy extraordinaire, would be next in line, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet. If Morales blows his next one, then commence vulturing.
Jair Jurrjens – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. Jar-Jar was hit hard hard by the Padres in his last start, then held an actual major league offense in check. Next time, he gets the Mets. Uh-oh.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks. Now has an ERA of 2.12 on the year. Amongst other reasons, his move to the AL scared me off of him this year. But so far– Wait, he’s faced the Royals twice and the M’s at Safeco. Very sneaky, Scherzer.
Wade LeBlanc – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks. But if a monkey were playing third, that would’ve been hilarious!
Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his third steal as he continues to bat leadoff. Potatoes to chips, his OBP, which is currently at .280, should shoot up at least 40 points.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4 and his fourth homer yesterday. Reynolds is hitting .182 on the year and hasn’t attempted a steal. It’s not cherrypicking negativity for Mini Donkey. It’s a goad. Donkeys, mini or otherwise, need goading.
Juan Gutierrez – Sure has been one sweet pickup for me since Thursday. 2 appearances, 1 IP and 5 ER. Maybe tomorrow he can defecate on my Reggie Jackson rookie card.
Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Padres in Petco. A’la Guy Fieri, “Was a meatball of an appearance. And meatballs are good!”
Ty Wigginton – Has 4 homers in the last week. Might hit 4 more this week, then not hit another one for a month. Grab while hot, friend.
Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5 yesterday and will now hit leadoff vs. lefties with Theriot dropping to the eight hole, also known as the don’t steal so the pitcher can bunt you over hole.
Lance Berkman – He’s ready to return for Tuesday’s game. Him and Carlos Lee should be able to fix the Astros’ offense, assuming you’re playing in a 2006 throwback league. I have my doubts that Berkman will be the old Berkman. Actually, let me rephrase that because he will indeed be the old Berkman. He just won’t be the Berkman that we used to see.
Aaron Hill – Should be ready to go by Friday. I’ll be impressed if he returns and stays healthy the rest of the year. Member how excited you were in March to own him? How ya feeling now?
Alberto Callaspo – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs with 2 homers yesterday. He’s a .300 hitter with little to no speed and very minimal power. I will call you, Polancallaspo.
Scott Podsednik – 3-for-5 with his 7th steal. If you were an alien and this were your first day on Earth and you saw Podsednik’s stats so far this season and his wife, you’d probably think he was the best player in the major leagues.
Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. He got lucky last time, too. The time before, I said, “He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again.” These starts since then have made it real hard to buy into him totally, but I’d rather own him at this point than not.
Carl Pavano – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I talked him up last week. Finally putting years of dreckitude behind me. So I picked him up and he got shelled. Did he do this to spite me? Probably. But guess what? It was a weekly league, so I didn’t have him in my active lineup yet. In your face, Pavano!
Jason Marquis – Didn’t record an out as he gave up 7 runs. Now that’s Razztastic!
Mark Teixeira – HR yesterday as his average buoys around .115. Someone turn this guy’s calender to June.
Jay Bruce – 2 solo homers yesterday. After the game, he cured death, then reversed the cure because of all the people who doubted him the first two weeks.
Matt Garza – 8 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks has a 0.75 ERA on the year. Have I mentioned that I traded Rafael Soriano to get Garza in one league?
Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Stop the press! Who’s that? Ricky Romero!
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. As the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Mazel tov.”
Rich Harden – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 BBs. Weird how his stuff has gone from filthy to sloppy.
Stealing is like borrowing until it becomes permanent. I don’t steal; it’s immoral, reprehensible and I’m really out of shape so I’d probably get caught. The fact of the matter is that these guys aren’t for everyone. They shouldn’t be, but they will give you the all coveted stat: steals. These players should only be considered if you are in need of steals after your draft, 12 teams or deeper. In H2H leagues, these players are especially important if you’re trying beat an opponent and only need a few quick “pick me up” steals.
Chris Getz – Yeah, this list is not exciting. This KC middle infielder is horrible. I have shown him love in 16-20 team leagues. With Aviles’ iffy elbow, he may be only shining light not named Yuniesky.
Kaz Matsui - On the down side of career, was there ever an up? Still has legs, which may get you 18-22 steals. With an OPS of 625, which is what Pujols slugs.
Eugenio Velez – Needs to find a spot somewhere. Maybe he sent a poison Edible Arrangement™ to Fred Lewis. 400 abs might give you 20 snatches. I like that word for SB’s.
Luis Castillo – I know what you’re saying, he is horrible, and you’re right. Sorta. Can help with steals while not demolishing BA.
Cliff Pennington – Sounds like an insurance salesman. Has the gig at short for the ‘tics. Prolly the best guy on this list so far as potential.
Coco Crisp – 450 ABs easy and a 10/20 season. It ain’t glamorous, but these steal guys rarely are.
Michael Brantley – Could actually get drafted in a 12 team. I like this kid, reminds me of The Big FraGu last year.
Eric Young – May start season on bench or in AAA, which is the place for really, really bad drinkers. Awesome speed potential. Barmes needs to fall down some stairs for him to have a shot.
Brendan Ryan – Seriously, Julio Lugo. Good potential for a MI spot league if you get a stud early. Could do worse, the Cliff Pennington of the NL.
Austin Jackson – May struggle early. Given 400 abs could go 8/15, with a ton of runs leading off.
Will Venable – Quietly will hit 6th for the Friars. Decent pop last year should carry over, who doesn’t like the son of a Max. 10/15 very attainable.
The other drafternoon I took part in my Fantasy Razzball draft where the object is to field the worst team possible. This team isn’t just bad. Nah, I outdid even myself this time. On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven. I did the math! Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs. If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job! If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you. And shame on this team! My co-conspirators in this were:
Round 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know. He’s eligible at 1st! Need I continue? His K rate has been going up. You want more? He’s also eligible at 3rd. Could Joyce DeWitt’s son steal time? I suppose, but Belliard’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs. Bleh, and thank you.
Round 2 – It was between Lousy Castillo and Drew Stubbs, who may not even break camp with the Reds he’s so godawful. Stubbs’s projected 267 strikeouts this year had me throw caution into the wind and go with the upside pick. Yes, in this league, your 2nd pick may not break camp with the club. It’s not easy being bad at your chosen vocation. Ask any non-Greinke Royals pitcher.
Round 3 – Tommy Manzella, while renown for his lasagna, is not, how do I put this, good at baseball. If there were a category on Jeopardy! titled, “Players You’d Confuse With Adam Everett,” Manzella would be the question for every answer. Manzella’s projections: 450+ ABs, .240 average and 5 homers. Now that’s Italian!
Round 4 – Actually, I really like Scott Podsednik this year in fantasy… Sorry, I meant to say, I really like Scott Podsednik’s wife. Crucial detail.
Round 5 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet. It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months. Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will. Without further ado, Brian Bannister.
Round 6 – Went with the Marquis de Shat here because we have a max innings limit and I really wanted to get a few pitchers that could actually stay in the rotation all year. Figuring quality non-quality over quantity non-quality, if that makes sense.
Round 7 – A two home run hitter calling Petco home? Was surprised to see Sparky Anklebiter make it all the way to the 7th round. Middle infield is a deep position in this, but I couldn’t turn down this kind of value.
Round 8 – Brett Gardner is the first pick that I could see definitely owning in regular leagues. One of the few picks on this team with downside. If he can avoid the top of the order, he should be fine.
Round 9 – Considering Michael Bourn went in the first round, Nyjer Morgan‘s a steal here. Speaking of which, steals aren’t counted in this league, if anyone was not familiar with the points structure. BTW, the nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”
Round 10 – Tommy Hunter. Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.
Round 11 – Martin Prado isn’t a great pick at 2nd base… But he’s not playing there for me. He is a solid guy for the Not Corner.
Round 12 – I expect Porcello’s ERA to mushroom. (<–almost pun!)
Round 13 – Scott Olsen — You know those Army commercials you see that promise college and all that? I imagine in the next 15 years there will be commercials for kids who throw lefty. Can’t afford college and you throw lefty? Play in the Majors!
Round 14 – Daniel Murphy locked up my corner infidel spot. Not bad value for a guy who received fielding tips from Keith Hernandez and hitting tips from Ron Darling.
Round 15 – Someone took Yorvit Torrealba in Round 14 and that reminded me I better grab his blahtoon mate, Nick Hundley.
Round 16 – In regular leagues, I wouldn’t want to fill my utility spot so early, but I knew I wanted a top tier catcher, so I grabbed Gregg Zaun, then immediately began thinking about how he really shouldn’t be playing in the major leagues anymore. Someone hire him to coach, please.
Rounds 17/18 – Dave Bush and Brett Myers because Home Runs Allowed is a category. Hopefully, Myers won’t disrupt my harmonious clubhouse.
Round 19 – Ladies and gentlemen, super futility man – Eugenio Velez.
Rounds 20/21/22 – Ronny Cedeno, Chris Getz and Jeff Keppinger. Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time. Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.
Round 23 – Billy Buckner? *shrugs* I don’t know, but he’s supposed to be terrifically awful.
Round 24 – Garrett Mock – Mock indeed.
Round 25 – Grabbed Russell Martin to stash on my DL, though I’m sure at least one of my pitchers will end up on the Disgraceful List by May.
Round 26 – Every time you hear Willie Harris‘s name don’t you think of Michael Dukakis? Yeah, maybe it’s me.
Round 27 – Jake Westbrook is actually the Indians number one pitcher. Chief Wahoo should change his name to Chief WTF?
In roto, you can can’t gain ground in many categories in September, unless you’re already close. The two categories you can conceivably gain ground in is in steals and saves — SAGNOF! If you are up in power, or at least far enough that you can’t be caught by the team right behind you, then I’d stack up on guys that could get you some steals. As for saves, you probably don’t have as many options on waivers. But there’s a some guys that might get a save or two in the final few weeks, and, well, every save counts. Anyway, here’s some guys that can provide steals and saves this week in fantasy baseball:
STEALS
Drew Stubbs – He has 5 homers and 3 steals in the majors in two weeks. He had 3 homers and 46 steals in 5 months in Triple-A. Maybe he sleeps with a 1996 Brady Anderson card under his pillow.
Michael Brantley -With Sizemore out with elbow surgery he probably could’ve had in May (but then the Indians would’ve lost 95 games instead of 90), Brantley’s seeing time. He had 46 steals in Triple-A in 51 chances.
Everth Cabrera – EverCab’s linear notes tell us he has 21 steals in 80 games so far.
Angel Pagan – Pagan stole 52 bases one year in the low minors. So he has the speed (his hitting chops are the issue).
Chris Getz – Four steals in the last six games. He ain’t glamorous, but Angel Pagan is?
Brett Gardner – Could have some deep Al-Only value for speed.
Eugenio Velez – Velez is one of the few guys that when he’s standing in the batter’s box, you can read everything on the backstop. This doode needs a serious convo with Davey Lopes. “Velez, you’re 120 lbs. How about you run once in a while? Thank you.”
SAVES
Matt Lindstrom/Kiko Calero – Leo Nunez has looked blechtastic in his last few games. Lindstrom hasn’t looked much better, but the Marlins need to win the rest of their games so they may try Lindstrom or even Calero.
Phil Hughes – With the Yankees coasting towards the playoffs, Hughes may see some late inning chances as the Yankees try to Dorian Gray Mariano.
Brett Myers – The Phillies may be waiting for Lidge to blow a seven run lead by giving up eight consecutive homers. I guess what I’m saying is that Myers could be better than Lidge right now, but tell that to the Phils who have trotted Lidge out for the last five months.
Brandon Lyon – Because Fernando Rodney’s been taking anger management classes with Brett Myers.
Chris Perez – I think at some point in the last week or two the Indians will give Perez an opportunity to impress in the ninth.
Kevin Jepsen – File this away with Hughes’s potential saves. As the Angels lock up the division, they could rest Fuentes.
J.P. Wheelerfourger – The Rays bullpen is in tatters… Shattered. Key syllable is shat. Shoot, Price could figure into this closer picture if Howell continues to botch the job. (I love the word botch and I really don’t use it enough. Maybe that’ll be my 2010 resolution.)
Scott Downs/Jason Frasor – It’s been so long since the Jays got a save, I’m honestly not even sure who their closer is.
Angel Guzman – Really no reason why Marmol loses the job… Right now. Member he’s been prone to blow-ups in the past. I kinda just want Guzman to take over so I can hear what song he uses for his entrance music. Shaggy? Aerosmith? Real Life? Whatever it is, it’s sure to be lame.
