Fantasy Baseball Advice

Okay, now picture you’re a Mets fan who was in a coma for three months and you just looked at the starting lineup.  You’d be like, “Jeremy who?  Cora what?  Tatis huh?  Why are the Mets playing a split squad game in June?”  Um, yeah.  Listen, Comatose Mets fan, you might want to sit down.  Carlos Beltran hit the DL yesterday with a sore knee.  The Mets are saying Beltran should be back in two weeks.  Yeah, and Reyes will be back three weeks ago.  At this point, you really can’t do anything but wait for Beltran to return.  Hopefully, there’s some decent outfielders on waivers for you to grab in the interim.  I grabbed David Murphy and Jonny “Hey, Khalil give me back my H” Gomes.  Gomes should be the Reds DH for interleague so he should get starts for a week, then I’ll need to look elsewhere.  Jake Fox is a decent play in interleague, as well.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ervin Santana – Went to the Disgraceful List.  No way!  Come on!  Really?  Shocker!

Scott Kazmir – Solid rehab outing where he didn’t walk anyone.  Might need one or two more rehab starts then should be back.

Alex Gonzalez – Had bone chips removed yesterday and will be out for a month.  Hopefully the doctor had more success in removing those chips than Gonzalez has had hitting baseballs.

Grady Sizemore – Says he’ll be ready to return today.  Better get out your “I Heart Grady,” t-shirt.

Yunel Escobar – Out with a strained hip flexor.  This could totally cramp his shuffleboard game.  Yunel dealt with this earlier in the year and it sidelined him for a week, so he might miss some time.

Josh Outman – Has elbow tightness and is, um, out, man.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Turned in a good outing in what was a good matchup.

Aaron Cook – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners.  So far he’s had two games all year that were terrible.  Sometimes safe works.

Matt Palmer – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Palmer?  I hardly knew her!  Oofa!  So far I’ve said about Palmer, “I wouldn’t touch him in 12 team leagues,” “Before you get crazy with yourself, he’s a thirty-year-old rookie and he’s not Dennis Quaid,” and “Who’s Matt Palmer?  A soap opera actor?” And that’s me quoting me!  So you kinda get the sense of what I’m thinking about Palmer going forward.

Ryan Ludwick – Second homer in the last four games.  Your time to buy low on him may be running out.

Daniel Murphy – HR yesterday.  Batting around .350 for the last week.  Let’s not be delusional that he’s going to completely fill-in for Beltran on your fantasy team, but maybe he can give you one hot week then find someone else next week.  Pick and troll.

Rafael Soriano – Got the save yesterday with Gonzalez taking care of lefties in the 8th.  Soriano has 45 Ks in 32 2/3 IP, .98 WHIP and a 1.38 ERA.  Um, that’s pretty good.

Albert Pujols – Reports say he called his shot on Sunday.  Would that be an HGH shot?

Joey Votto – Set to return on Tuesday, saying he felt batty, but in a good way.

A two-week vacation did ol’ Grady’s elbow just dandy.  The inflammation Grady Sizemore has been feeling all year has subsided and there’s no need for now to resort to arthroscopic surgery.  That has to be a relief to fantasy baseballers who drafted G-Sizzle with their 1st pick.  So should there be concern that his elbow troubles will reappear? Um, we’re not experts in this area, but we’re pretty sure elbows inflame for a reason.  Unless the elbow belongs to Albert Pujols, it’s probably a safe bet that Sizemore will eventually get shut down or underperform.  What to do?  Not much you can do, except hope you can at least salvage a pro-rated 20/20 from him (or one of those no HR/surprise SB seasons like D-Wright and BJ Upton).   If you can trade him for 80 cents on the dollar (say, Alexis Rios, Granderson, Holliday, etc.), do it in a heartbeat…..Crazy that the most Grady player on the Indians might be Shin-Soo Choo. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lidge – Threw a bit yesterday and is eyeing June 23rd for his return.  My crystal ball says on June 24th, I’ll be responding to comment #24 with, “Hold Madson for now.”

Johan Santana – Rick Peterson, former Mets pitching coach, said he’s heard rumors that Johan is dealing with pain in his surgically repaired knee.  And Willie Randolph said he heard a Jerry Manuel-induced charley horse is the root of Reyes’s leg problems.

Pablo Sandoval – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 8 on the year and batting .332.  Betcha wish you didn’t give up on him in April.  As I said so many times before, put a catcher in your catcher slot and press mute on your brain.  Yadier had a hot week! No, random italicized voice, stop with the noise.

Prince Fielder – 2-for-3, 6 RBIs as he hit the first grand slam of his career.  Big day for big men yesterday.

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 2 steals and a homer.  9 homers and 11 steals on the year.  Get on the Shin-Soo Choo choo train!

Travis Hafner – HR yesterday.  Hey, maybe he got some HGH eyedrops too.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who has more homers V-Mart or DeRosa?  Hint, V-Mart has 11.

Torii Hunter – Left the game after colliding with the wall.  Last I heard, x-rays were being done.  Be crazy if they found some empty whiskey bottles.

John Lackey – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks.  He cruised through five and a third like he was a Monte Carlo.  But in the last one and two-thirds, he looked like he was a Yugo.  When Andres Torres, career minor leaguer, took him deep in the 7th, Lackey looked out of gas/exhausted (either work for the similes).

Ervin Santana – Will miss one start with a strained muscle in his forearm.  Good to hear it’s not his elbow.  Bad to hear it’s another part of his arm.

Sean Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he got the start.  Hopefully, Scioscia sits him for the next week, then calls back Kendrick. (It’s reverse psychology, just go with it!)

Kelvim Escobar was sent to the bullpen.  His value goes from potentially good to potentially nothing.  Scioscia said Escobar will be pitching out of the bullpen for the rest of the season.  Scioscia also said Brandon Wood would start at shortstop two years ago and said Arredondo, the guy now in the minors, would be the closer and he said Rex Hudler’s got the best herb, when he wants to get wiggy with Figgy.  Escobar will probably start games again in a month or two.  But even if that is the case, he’s about as good to you now as those X-ray glasses you bought out of the back of a comic book when you were twelve.  Matt Palmer gets a boost in value, which is to say he actually has value now.   Palmer’s K/9 is 5.48.  Not great.  His BABIP is .228, that’s pretty lucky.  He’s rocking a 4.06 ERA right now, that’ll go up.  In AL-Only leagues, Palmer’s worth a spot, but he’s probably on a team already.  In mixed leagues, 15 or deeper?  Sure, but I wouldn’t touch him in 12 team leagues outside of matchups.  Friday vs. the Padres is a good matchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ervin Santana – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Member when he was only good at home?  Yeah, now he’s not good anywhere.  I think he’s headed for the Disgraceful List.

Matt Joyce – The return of Burrell pushes Joyce back to Triple-A.  Hopefully, he gets a real chance at some point.

Pat Burrell – He skipped his Single-A rehab assignment and, instead, will sit the bench for the next six games then be back in the DH spot when interleague’s over.  This is fascinating to me.  He was going to DH in a rehab game?  So he gets four ABs against a Single-A pitcher?  He couldn’t get that in batting practice?  Then he returns to sit the bench for a week?  The guy running the local Dairy Queen could make better decisions than some big league clubs.  A Sour Worm Blizzard is brilliant compared to this.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out for a normal day of rest.  What’s Hanley doing this year?  8/8?  Who are you, Shin-Soo Choo?  The Marlins have been threatening to put the brakes on Hanley for a few years now.  I think they finally manned up and told him to chillax.  Last year he only stole 12 bases in the 2nd half.  Now with his groin flare-up (no, not in that way) and the Marlins realizing he’s their bread and butter, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a 25/25 year.  Still a great year for a shortstop, just not what you might’ve thought you were getting.

Chien-Ming Wang – Will stay in the rotation for one more turn.  Just because Hankenstein’s sticking with him, doesn’t mean you need to.

Zach Greinke – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Okay, I get the whole great-season-let’s-countdown-to-his-Cy-Young thing.  But is “Greinke Suffers a No-Decision” really a headline?  Suffering from indecision maybe.

Willy Taveras – He relies on his legs and they’re hurting him.  Right now, he’s AGNOF!  The S is really critical.

Chad Qualls – Got the save.  I need saves in the league I own him in and I hate seeing him come into the game, not a great place to be.

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, only 4 baserunners vs. the Giants.  I like Scherzer, so don’t read too much into this, but Schierholtz and Juan Uribe were the two and three hole hitters.  Hitting sixth, Kevin Frandsen with an .071 average on the year. Protecting him was Eli Whiteside.  Didn’t he win the Nobel for his book, Night? A Giants split squad game would be a 0-0 tie called on account of darkness.

Derrek Lee – HR yesterday.  .367 in June after hitting .313 in May.  The steals look like they’ll never come back, so he might be Lyle Overbay in disguise.

Ian Stewart – 12th homer, or one less than Ryan Braun.  In Yahoo, Stewart has 2nd and 3rd base eligibility.  Cust kayin’.

Nomar Garciaparra – Had an MRI done on his calf.  Who insures this guy?

Luke Scott – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  Whoa, don’t you dare go back to being mediocre.  Armando Galarraga’s filling that role.

Clete Thomas – Went from batting 3rd to being optioned to the minors.  Ah, yes, perfect sense.  Don Kelly will be recalled.  I’m assuming he’ll slot right into the three hole next.

John Maine – Headed to the DL with a sore shoulder.  Hey, a couple of days ago he had a dead arm.  Sore is progress.

David Wright – 3-for-4 and stole his 17th base as he tries to challenge Alex Rios’s 2008 season as the most perplexing in recent memory.

Joe Beimel – Got the save yesterday as Acta pulled the old banana-in-the-tailpipe on MacDougal owners.  MacDougal is supposedly still the closer, he had just worked too many days in the row.  The Nats might be the only team where their announced closer is the only one that doesn’t get saves.

Ricky Romero – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  I liked him for a while in April, then he went to the DL and I got bored.  Now he’s back (from outer space), he’s an ‘okay’ flier in deeper mixed leagues, but he’s been getting lucky with men left on base.  I’d be careful.

Kevin Millwood – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  Would you believe he has a 2.72 ERA on the year?  That’s not rhetorical.  Seriously, I had no idea.  I own him on an AL-Only team and I didn’t even know that.  Maybe he’s having one of those renaissance years.  But then he’d be walking around saying, “Good morrow, Kinsler!” and “Davis, fetch me some mead!”

Ross Gload – 2 HRs.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!  What?  Nothing?  Oh, well.  I got the reference.

Todd Wellemeyer – 6 IP, 5 ER. Gload’s on you, Jack!  What?  Still nothing?  Hmm…

Ryan Franklin – 14th save, 1.14 ERA on the year.  Next year, he’s going to be so overvalued.  People are gonna be like, “Franklin had a sub-2 ERA.  He’s the bee’s elbows, knees and toes!”

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks.  Then Rafael Soriano threw Javy’s one bad inning for him giving up 2 runs.

Raul Ibanez – HR yesterday.  After the home run, he declared a fatwa on the whole Midwest.

The Indians have been more of a trainwreck than Jeff Conaway and Tom Sizemore doing a community theater production of The Taking of Pelham 123. Now Grady Sizemore hits the DL with elbow inflammation.  For whatever reason, this season he’s shown himself to be a bit of a flight risk.  In 13 attempted steals, he’s been caught stealing 6 times.  (He’s been terrible at stealing bases, but has elbow pain?  Is he running on his hands?  What’s the deal, friend?)  Half of me wants to be the doomsayer, um, saying doom that Sizemore’s going to struggle even when he returns because of what we’ve seen in the past from players with elbow pain.  Then my better half wants to say it can’t be that bad, he hit his 9th home run on Saturday. So the ladies love Grady, but should his fantasy owners?  Unfortunately, if elbow pain is severe enough to send someone to the DL, it’s not a good sign.  So I wouldn’t try to buy him low, unless the deal’s too good to turn down.  Then again, I wouldn’t sell him low, either.  If you own him, I think you need to just hold and hope for the best.  Unless, again, someone’s overpaying you for him.  Basically, you’re in a pickle between a rock and a hard place.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ben Francisco – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Hitting .360 in the last seven games and has 5 homers and 9 steals on the year.  Yawnstipating, for sure.  But Francisco will now be batting in the top of the order while Sizemore nurses his elbow.  Is Sizemore nursing his elbow in public? Gross!

Victor Martinez – Sat out yesterday.  Are the Indians punting this season?

Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and the Indians batted third their .339 SLG shortstop.  Though I don’t think that lasts.

Chien-Ming Wang – 8 IP, 2 ER and 7 Ks since he’s returned, but, man, it really feels like he’s trying to get you to fall for the old-banana-in-the-tailpipe, right?

Kevin Youkilis – 2 HRs yesterday as he bats .366 on the season and way above where his BABIP says he should be, i.e., the bottom could fall out.

Jon Lester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks.  Even if you missed this start because you benched him, this is a good sign going forward… Unless he continues to alternate good and bad starts, then you’re gonna have to wait ten days for another good start, at which time you’ll probably bench him again.

Alex Rios – 5 for his last 8 and a homer and steal yesterday.  In case you don’t own him, which I don’t, you may not know his current stats.  6 homers, 4 steals and a .276 average.  From a 3rd round draft pick in ‘08 to 5th round in ‘09, he’s making a case for the 8th round next year.  Maybe the -is on his first name was his Samson’s hair.

John Maine – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  Besides some early season struggles, he’s pitched well.  Can’t hurt to pitch at Metco.  If he’s out there, he gets the Nats next time out.

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Falls into those untradeable guys.  You can’t trade him for how valuable he’s been, because no one believes it.  On the other hand, you can’t trade for him either, because you don’t believe it either.  Wait, huh?

Jason Berken – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Didn’t this guy used to date Lauren Conrad?  (BTW, how about that Hills finale?  Tears, pho sho!)  Anyway, Berken’s not worth a pickup in 16 team leagues that only use Orioles.

Josh Willingham – 2 HRs yesterday and 3rd homer in three days.  Had a good May, wouldn’t trust him to have a good June.

Elijah Dukes – Returns Tuesday.  That’s if he doesn’t end up in jail.  I could totally see Phil Spector producing a Dukes album.

Edwin Maysonet – Rod Roddy, “For the next contestant on The Price is Right… A brand new…. Maysonet!”  9-for-20 since being called up to fill-in for Kaz Matsui.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say 9-for-20 is the best string of 20 ABs he’s ever had in pro ball.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, but lost in a pitcher’s duel to Mike Hampton, who went 7 IP, 1 ER with 3 Ks.  The official attendance was 19,566 people bored out of their mind.  This would be a good test to see if a girl likes you, “Baby, you wanna take in the Astros/Pirates game? I hear the Pirates mascot, Captain Jolly Roger, shoots wieners into the crowd.”

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-4, batting leadoff yesterday.  While it might be nice in theory, let’s not put too much pressure on The Zo.  He’s 25-for-74 with 4 homers batting sixth.  The Zo likes to relax!

Randy Choate – What, no save today?  As I said in the comments on Saturday after Choate notched back-to-back saves on Friday and Saturday, Choate’s a situational lefty.

Kris Medlen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  The forces of the universe are conspiring against Hanson.

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Ouch… Wait, huh?  Ouch…  Sorry, having a hard time sitting down.

Chipper Jones – This year might be the first time I’ve owned Chipper in any league in ten years — in fairness, I only own him there because it’s an OBP, and Chipper does the OBP thing almost as well as he does the, “Ow, my v-jay hurts,” thing.  So, my conclusion after owning him for two months is I hate him even more this year.  5 homers is unacceptable.  Seriously.

Yovani Gallardo – I thought I was going to witness something historic when he struckout 8 through the first 9 batters.  Alas, the pitch count was high and he had to get pulled in the 6th.

Zach Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks.  Who slipped the Kryptonite into his Prozac?  Not cool, guys.

John Danks – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Walks haven’t been great, but he’s striking out guys at a solid rate.  The opposing team’s hits are just coming at the wrong time.  His ERA should come down.

Adam Kennedy – 2 HRs yesterday.   Though Nixon demanded a recount.

Josh Hamilton – Headed for a MRI for his abdominal and groin problems.  Hopefully, they’re separate issues.  Otherwise, that would really be a problem.

Andrew Bailey – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, blown save, but the Win.  Now not only is he the closer, but he’s also the setup man.  Maybe Ziegler disagreed with the choice of Brad Pitt to play Billy Beane in Moneyball:  The Movie. I, for one, hope Pitt channels his True Romance character for the role.

Scott Hairston – 2-for-4, and a steal.  I know, he’s a Padre, but, seriously, he has value.

Ervin Santana – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  I kinda wish instead of saying you should trade him after a few good starts, I pressed you, dear Razzball reader, to trade him before his first start.  I think a trip to the Disgraceful List is more likely than a turnaround, but you’ll need to bench him and wait it out.

David Aardsma – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 BBs. I didn’t see this outing, but he must’ve been very wild.  It’s hard to walk four Angels in two-thirds of an inning.   Luckily, Morrow’s been erratic as all get-out.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5 with a homer.  He’s batting .354 so that’s, uh, ya know where you expect it.  But he only has 19 Runs.  Surprisingly, he doesn’t have 19 solo homers.

Chad Gaudin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Threw a masterpiece on Sunday in Colorado.  Of course…  Sonavabench!

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  Padres could clear 200 homers this year.  If Gonzalez hits 180.

Joey Votto – Totally pulling a Kotchman at this point as he heads to the DL with a stress-related issue.  What, he misplaced his ear drops and totally freaked?  What’s the deal, Votto?  Let’s get our shizz together.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I think my concerns about Phillips’s hairline fracture in his thumb were prematurely reported.  Seems to be fine.  I recant. (<–16th Century Word of the Day!)

Micah Owings – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Nothing really to report with this guy, but the Brewers announcer said something funny during yesterday’s game. (FYI, something is guaranteed to not be funny, when you say it’s funny.  Anyway…) Dusty walks to the mound and the Brewers announcer says something to the effect, “There’s no one ready in the Reds bullpen so this is probably just to talk to Owings about strategy for this next hitter.”  Then Dusty removes Owings from the game after five and two-thirds and 103 pitches.  So the Brewers announcer says, “I wonder what Owings said to get Dusty to pull him from the game.”  This made me laugh.  What on earth could Owings had said to get removed after only 103 pitches?  “Please, Dusty, I’ll wash your car!”  “I’m your man next time Dusty Jr. needs a babysitter on a Friday night.”  “Dusty, I’ll tell you who crapped in your Cubs Dairy Queen sundae helmet.  It was Votto!”

The Carpenter/Gallardo duel reminded me of Landon and Brittini taking on Mark and Rachel as they competed to see who could slide the furthest on giant blocks of ice while wearing nothing but speedos.  (BTW, Nice to see Mark battling the ageism of MTV.  Stick it to man!  Wait, he is a man.  Show those rapscallions, gramps!)   Chris Carpenter went 8 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 10 Ks, then Yovani Gallardo removed his fey white gloves and went 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, i.e., the other end of the duel.  Going forward, I’d trade Carpenter away and trade for Gallardo.  You may be right, I may be crazy.  Gallardo can throw 200 Ks and a sub-4 ERA.  While Carpenter will be tremendous if healthy, but that if is supersized.  Now, no one’s saying to trade him for a Circuit City gift card, but I’d see what kind of deals you can broker.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – He fell to the ground in pain like he was just, um, capped as a line drive hit him in the arm.  It looked as if it could lead to a DL stint.  I grabbed John Grabow in every league.  Jesse Chavez might see some chances, but I’m not intoxicated enough to own two Pirate relievers.

Mat Gamel – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks, then Bill Hall hit the game winner.  That’s not how it’s supposed to work out.  The good news was Gamel was playing without the DH.  Though we’ll see how long that lasts.

Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.   Hughes remembers where he lost his “Next Big Thing” Award.  It was sitting next to his “Can’t Decide Whether He’s Good Or Not” trophy.

Nelson Cruz – Last six games, 5 homers, 4 steals, batting .294 on the season. I say he gets up to about .309 then it bottoms out to .275, then he cranks it up to .304, then trips up to .280, then… Well, you get the picture.

Gil Meche – Was a mess throwing 73 pitches through two and a third innings.  Somehow only allowing two earned.  I’d run him out there in his next start vs. the White Sox, then we might need to reevaulate.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 12 baserunners, 6 unearned runs.  The Lords of Fantasy Baseball granted me my one wish this year and made Wandy’s 1st inning debacle all unearned runs.  Tie my to the WHIPping post and call me grateful.

Aaron Harang – After hours of a rain delay, Dusty sent Harang back out there for one out to get a Win.  Arm injuries be damned!  Leave it to Dusty.

Joey Votto – Seems to only have an ear infection at the inception of the game.  Is he trying out for the Fear Strikes Out remake?  You my friend are no Anthony Perkins.

Hunter Pence – Quietly hitting .358 on the season.  I say quietly because he only has 5 HRs and 5 steals.  Hey, you’ll take it and like it, but I have to think the average will come down — but the power should go up.

Jonathan Papelbon – Got the save but gave up two earned and another homer.   There’s a few options in the Sawx bullpen for Tito to turn to, but I don’t think it’s going to get that far for another week or two of meltdowns.

Joe Mauer – He didn’t start, but he did get another homer.  Without seeing the highlights, I’m going to assume he hit this one from the bench.

Francisco Liriano – 4 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners.  F-Liriano.  No, that’s not a nickname.  That’s my sentiment.

Jorge De La Rosa – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hey, only two walks!

Juan Pierre - 2-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and .385 on the season.  When Manny returns, Pierre may be traded to a club that needs a full-time outfielder, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Mr. T – Sung the 7th inning stretch in Wrigley yesterday, but even more comical is the groans he made throughout the half inning he was in the booth.  If I had the techno know-how, I would’ve recorded the audio.  After a double play, Mr. T, “Grrr… Oh, man.  Grrr…. Grrr…”

Chad Gaudin – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Someone remind never to start him outside of Petco.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save yesterday while only walking one.   When I’m modifying walk with “only,” he’s still not out of the woods.

Freddy Sanchez – 6-for-6, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Please… That’s like Joe Mauer through a half inning.

Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 1 ER. There’s the Guthrie I fell in love with it.  I wouldn’t run him out there for his next start vs. the Tigers, but I’ll be monitoring him.  Someone’s gotta, right?

George Sherrill – Recorded his 10th save and his ERA’s down to 2.75.  Making a run for Donkey-corn status.

Brian Roberts – Hurt his shin then stayed in the game to double and triple.  Yeah, that doesn’t sound too serious.

Travis Ishikawa – 4-for-4 with a homer just days after Bochy says Guzman will see more ABs.  Could someone take Bill Hall and Ishikawa to the Pine Barrens?

Kenji Johjima – His little piggy went to the hospital in a splint.  Rob Johnson’s as boring as his name.  Maybe Jeff Clement is finally removed from purgatory.  (Speaking of purgatory, I saw Angels & Demons this weekend.  Grey leaves his computer!  News at 11!  For the trailer… From a terrible book to an awful movie, watch as Tom Hanks, with distractingly dyed hair, runs around in search of pointing statues!  Everyone seems guilty, except the guy who is!  At least there’s no albinos!)

Adam Kennedy/Ichiro Suzuki – These two opposing lead-off hitters both went 4-for-4.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two lead-off hitters in the same game both went 4-for-4.  Actually… They didn’t say that.  But this was heard recently around the offices, “For the third time this week, Bob put his garbage can on his desk and labelled it, ‘In.’”

Francisco Rodriguez – Not sure how in two days he went from “crying over back pain” to the mound with his violent delivery, but there he was again.  Guess he’s *pinkie to mouth* OK-Rod.

Jose Reyes – Still out.  Does Votto and him share a doctor?  Maybe one of them can call K-Rod’s.

Ervin Santana – 1 IP, 7 ER.  Honestly, I don’t think he’ll be this bad going forward, but I did tell you to trade Ervin away two weeks ago.

Vladimir Guerrero – Returned to the lineup and went 0-for-4.  Hey, he had a better game than Ervin.

Alexei Ramirez – Now apologize for hating him for 2 months.  Not to me, to him.

Carlos Quentin – Left the game after running out a double.  His heel could nag him all year.  Can they give someone a cortisone shot in the heel?  Seriously, anyone know? Anyone, besides Joey Votto’s doctor.

David Price – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 BBs, 6 Ks.  Price continued where he left off in Triple-A, which is not good.  He’s walking too many guys and his home run rate is up.  Hopefully, he can figure out his major malfunction.

J.P Izzywheelfourson – Meet Implosion.  Implosion meet J.P. Izzywheelfourson.  For those keeping track, and you all should be, Nelson pitched a perfect 7th and Wheeler didn’t pitch at all.  So Izzy may have been the closer coming in, but Wheeler and Howell move up just by staying out of that meltdown and Nelson moves up by pitching well.  Or… Izzy + Balfour < Nelson + Wheeler + Howell = Ulcer.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4.  Yesterday, I said pickup Ben Zobrist.

Carl Crawford – 29 steals, zero times caught.  That’s remarkable.  I didn’t even know he faced the Padres.