Fantasy Baseball Advice

When I go for chicken ‘n waffles, they have to be smothered in gravy; that’s just the way I like ‘em. And I love me some Red Rooster Hot Sauce. I can do without the hot sauce, but it makes the whole experience so much better. I mention this for two reasons, 1) I’m really hungry and my woman’s taking a long time preparing my eats and 2) a rookie pitcher like Manny Parra is the hot sauce. You shouldn’t expect them to win your championship. You have your chicken ‘n waffles and gravy. You need those components.  (Yes, I’m calling chicken, waffles and gravy components.) But the extras — the hot sauce — the rookie pitchers, the ones you don’t count on, they make everything that much better. Actually, I’m not sure if that metaphor makes any sense, but like I said, I’m hungry so bear with me. I don’t think Manny Parra is out there in too many leagues, but if he is, you should jump on him. The hot sauce can make all the difference. (Okay, just returned from dinner to finish this post and that pre-dinner rambling made a surprising amount of sense. You’re welcome.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Mike Mussina - If you have him on a team, you’re probably reading this site for the pictures.

Erick Aybar - Left yesterday’s game with a hand injury. Chone Figgins says, “Ah-ha,” a’la Nelson from The Simpsons.

Ryan Ludwick - Vincent aka The Queen’s Assassin was asked about in the comments recently. Crux of the question was, “Can Ludwick keep up this pace?” My abbreviated/edited answer, “Chances he keeps hitting three home runs a week? Slim to anorexic. Can he get to 30 home runs? Probably. He’s about a HR/15 at-bat guy. LaRussa’s your biggest obstacle right now because there’s a chance he starts some other schmohawks in the outfield over Ludwick and Rasmus is waiting in the wings too. I’d say that Ludwick can net you 65/28/80/.270.” And that’s me quoting me!

Salomon Torres - He could be back on as the Brewers closer since Backne is complaining of stiffness.

Clint Barmes - Homered in third straight game. Deer Meat plots its revenge.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - He has absolutely killed me thus far in my ‘pert league. Get a load of this one, this was his first three RBI game of the year. That’s pathetic. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the latest point in the year that anyone’s knocked in three runs for the first time after starting a majority of their team games. (Elias Sports Bureau didn’t actually say that. But here’s some things that were overheard last week at the Elias Sports Bureau, “For the first time in three years, the soda machine ran out of Dr. Pepper before Orange Crush,” “Patrick slept with his secretary sixteen times before telling the same co-workers he swore not to tell,” “On March 3rd, the elevator stopped at every floor three times before it stopped at the fourth floor once. This is the first time in the history of the Elias Sports Bureau elevator that this has happened.”

Corey Hart - Looks like he’s finally getting hot. About time, now maybe he can send that elixir Alexis Rios’s way.

C.C. Sabathia - Now has a 1.17 ERA and a 28/3 K/BB ratio in his last three starts. He’s still 77% Number One Starter and 23% Twinkies. (The margin of error is plus or minus four percentage points.)

Yunel Escobar - Was helped off the field after taking Church’s noggin to his knee. I’m hoping this is nothing because he’s been most of my offense on one team. I’m talking to you, Kouzmanoff!

Daniel Cabrera - I feel like he will burn you at any moment, but he’s thrown eight consecutive quality starts and didn’t walk anyone against the Yankees, a team that draws walks against Carlos Silva. Whoever took the risk and grabbed him late or off waivers could reap serious rewards this season. Unfortunately, I didn’t pick him up in any league. *sniffing the air* I smell like vagina.

Adam Jones - He went 4-for-5 and knocked in four RBIs yesterday. (He’s beating you, Kouzmanoff.) I dropped Jose Guillen in my ‘pert league to grab Adam Jones. I figured that I know what I’m getting from Guillen, but with Adam Jones, who knows, maybe he’s adjusted quicker than anyone thinks he can. ‘Member he was a lot of prognosticators’ choice for AL ROY in the preseason. (BTW, prognosticators was your Word of the Day.)

Chad Billingsley - I’m thinking Billingsley can win a Cy Young in two years and he will be in my top twenty starters for next year. Yeah, I’m crushing hard.

Chase Headley - He didn’t do anything yesterday. (Well, I’m sure he did something. I mean, he is alive and all. Some extremely large people considering eating ‘doing something.’ Others consider Yahtzee ‘doing something.’ So Chase was doing something, just not sure what it was. But I digress.) The reason why I mention him is because this morning I picked him up in the same ‘pert league. (Yeah, when you have Kouzmanoff, you scrounge for offense.) He seems like he’s due up within a week or two. (June 1 gives the Padres some extra arbitration time.) I don’t know if I’m going to have him by the time he’s called up, but if I do, then I might have an extra piece on offense. He hit nearly .350 in spring training with pop. And, really, it’s not like he can hurt the offense that the Padres are trotting out there every day, so why wouldn’t they bring him up? (BTW, there were three sets of parentheses in this entry alone. That’s impressive. (And four if you count that one (Wait, that’s five) Now six) Infinity!)))

Well, screw you. That’s a great title. Are you kidding me? That’s like top five best titles you’ve ever read on this site. Maybe top three. What did you say, that’s more of an indication of this site’s bad titles than how good this one is? Ouch. So Maine probably shouldn’t have been in the ninth anyway, but Willie’s a player’s manager! Maine, for all intents and purposes (whatever that cliché means), basically throws a shutout with four Ks. The Ks could be better, but what’s important is what we can expect going forward? Okay, let me see what the future holds by pulling out my voodoo bloody rooster ala Angel Heart. (Instead of rooster, I almost wrote cock, but you can imagine why I was hesitant to write bloody cock. There’s some things you don’t joke about; a bloody cock is probably at the top of that list. In fact, I would go as far as to call it, The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About. On The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About: Never joke about sleeping with your friend’s sister. Never joke about your friend’s dead mother. Never joke about the weather (because it’s not funny). I’ll let you to decide what else should fill out The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About.) So going forward with Maine, I see fifteen more wins, a 3.50 ERA, a 1.30 WHIP and 150 Ks. Is that good? Um, yeah. Dur. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Joey Votto - Scott Hatteberg had this to say after the game, “Let’s see him walk three times in a game.” Was on the phone with a buddy when Votto hit the third of his three home runs, here’s what was said, “I think he can get to thirty.” “Years?” “No, home runs.” “Possibly, but Dusty might find a way to screw things up.” “Never underestimate Dusty’s ability to screw up anything.” “Are you still comparing Votto to a drug-free Hamilton?” *thinking* “No.”

Edinson Volquez - I’m not as excited about Volquez as I am about Cueto even though the fantasy numbers for Volquez couldn’t be much better at 5-1, 1.06 ERA and 62 Ks. His walks are way too high. I know, a quibble to some, but I would explore trade options before Volquez’s wake up call comes, um, calling.

Carlos Gomez - Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first day in the history of Major League Baseball that a rookie hit for the cycle and another rookie hit three home runs. (Actually, I made that up, but it sounds like something Elias would say. Whoever Elias is, they sure have a lot of time on their hands.) Big day for the rookies, as Gomez hit for the cycle. This was a great game for Carlos and I wish him the best, but I still think .260 is a pipe dream. You could do worse for the amount of steals he’s going to give you.

Jeremy Guthrie - I listed him as the top guy to replace Rich Hill or Yovanni Gallardo on teams. So far, I’m happy with that decision. He faced a team (da A’s) that was number three in the AL in runs scored and he performed decently. The fourth run was given up by Walker. Guthrie’s K/9 is fine and he really was only hit hard three times. He actually looked better than Blanton, who gave up less runs according to the box score. This is between the numbers, bitches!

Mila Kunis - Hot. (Oh, I’m sorry. I thought for a second I was Matthew “Creepy” Berry. But then I would’ve mentioned Crocodile Dundee II: The Search for More Bad Comedy. Oh, wait, I just did.)

Mike Jacobs - Hit a home run, but the umps missed the call and it went as a double. If the stupid Marlin fan would’ve just caught the ball, it wouldn’t have been an issue. Worse news, Jacobs left with an quadriceps injury. Hopefully, it’s nothing, because I need him on a few teams. And, really, this is about me.

Ryan Zimmerman - As previously stated, I’m not a Zimmerfan. Yesterday, he hit two home runs which gives you an opportunity to sell. Sorry to be a Bummerman.

Erick Aybar - I wonder if it irks Chone Figgins when he sees Aybar emulate ‘04 Figgins. Or if Figgins smells Aybar’s dirty jersey and it takes him right back to ‘04. Or if Figgins watches Vlad towel-snap Aybar as he exits the showers and Figgins sighs.

Cliff Lee - Looked absolutely tremendous. 6-0, ridiculous ERA that’s under one. So let’s say he ends the season with a 4.00 ERA, which is in line with his career numbers. That means he has a 5.00 ERA the rest of the way. You make the call! (In all fairness, his K/BB ratio is outstanding.)

Mike Napoli - Another home run. Not sure how many homers you need before it doesn’t matter that he’s benched every other day. A HR/8 ABs, in case you’re a nerd who needs stats.

Ryan Ludwick - Okay, so his fan club isn’t well attended, and his name sounds like a 17th century composer, but he just hit another home run. I keep touting that he’s headed for more playing time. Not sure if people are listening.

Armando Galarraga - For the last three weeks I’ve been saying, “Pull out!”

Chris Iannetta - Showed a great eye in the minors and decent pop, which turns into great pop in Coors. You could do worse in 2nd catcher leagues, NL-Only or deep mixed leagues.

Zach Greinke - The trade for Zach Saberhagen seems to be working out okay. If you get a chance, give Rudy crap in the comments. He loves that.

Adam Wainwright - A lot of my pitchers went last night. They all looked good. Running count: Maine 3 teams, Hudson 3 teams, Wainwright 3 teams, Greinke 2 teams, Volquez 2 teams, Wainwright 4 teams. Wow, Grey, you must’ve drafted pitching high? Actually, grasshopper, I don’t usually draft pitchers until the fifth round and Rich Hill was my second pitcher off the board in a lot of leagues. Wainwright, Hudson or Maine were my third pitchers, Greinke fourth or fifth pitcher and Volquez or Jurrjens were my fliers. Shawn Hill, Jo-Jo Reyes or Guthrie replaced Rich Hill on most of my teams. How does it feel to see behind the curtain, grasshopper? *you nod in awe* Okay, class dismissed.

If I were an emoticon, I would be a sad face. Maybe Tulowitzki shouldn’t have been jogging in socks and flip-flops after all. The only way he wouldn’t get on track this year is if he were injured. What does Tulo do? Gets injured. Badly, as it turns out. Tulowitzki is out until the All-Star break and that’s being optimistic. As Seinfeld might say, “What is the deal with all of these quad injuries?” In one year leagues, if you have no room on your DL, I’d say drop him. There’s not much positive to be had from these. I picked up Bobby Crosby in one deep league and Barmes in another. Why do I suddenly feel like I want to roller skate down a spiral staircase while carrying eighty pounds of deer meat? Some guys I’d look at to replace Tulowitzki (of course it depends on the league and needs): Felipe Lopez, Erick Aybar, Keppinger, Ronny Cedeno… I just thought of something. How about someone “take out” (those real quotes would be air quotes if we were, ya know, speaking) Grudzielanek? Then we can get Callaspo in there. Oh my God, I’m hoping for Callaspo to replace Tulo. The loss of Tulowitzki has made me delirious. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Chad Cordero - I’ve been saying for three weeks now Rauch gets more saves than Cordero. Now I wouldn’t be surprised if Cordero doesn’t get one more save this year. I’d drop him too, if you have no room.

Phil Hughes - Out until July, you probably don’t have him anyway, except in AL-Only leagues.

BJ Upton - Injury bug’s sure going around. He hurt himself on a swing. He says he’ll be all right. I say expect him to miss ten days, not go on your DL and be a nuisance.

Zach Greinke - Okay, onto something positive. He K’d nine Rangers. I think Carlos Silva could K seven Rangers, so it is what it is. But Greinke looks phenomenal this year. He’s always been a control pitcher with three solid pitches to strikeout opposing hitters. It’s just when he starts acting like Joey from The Real World: Hollywood is when we have to worry. (BTW, I like how the stripper/cokehead comes home with JoJo, a guy who wears a bling gun belt, and tells Joey that he’s a bit too messed up for her. That’s like getting blown off by… Well, a stripper/cokehead. BTW II, I would’ve put spoiler alert, but I don’t think anyone watches this shizz anyway. But I digress.) To think, Meche is better than Greinke. Karabell reminds me of the little kid who lives on my street. They mean well, yet I still wish them harm.

Travis Hafner - Okay, Pronk’s in a funk, but to drop him to sixth against a righty? So Dellucci could bat third? Listen, I’m as big a fan of fourth outfielders as the next guy, but Dellucci? I’m going to move on before I have aneurysm.

Jack Cust - Went 4-for-4 and deep. I really hope this is the start of big things because Rudy’s got him on his Razzball team. Cust kayin’.

Alexis Rios - Home run, steal, and the move to the leadoff spot doesn’t bother me that much. Where you thought you were getting RBIs, you’re now getting a few more runs. You won’t take 120/32/80/.300/25?

AJ Burnett - Burnett has been giving Rudy headaches lately. (Rudy doesn’t mind drafting AL pitchers; buy him a beer sometime and ask him about it. Or search the site. Whatever.) Burnett was wild, but unhittable last night against the Red Sox.

Hiroki Kuroda - Good start, but he seems completely unpredictable.

Paul Byrd - 1.71 ERA in last four starts. I guess that’s good if you had him for the last four starts. I wouldn’t want him for his next four.

Rafael Betancourt - Ichiro Suzuki (cause I use last names) scored on a fielding error by Blake (who was batting second, I’m assuming Wedge is trying to get fired). If you thought Kobayashi would be next line, he gave up the go ahead home run to The Big Sexy in the tenth.

JJ Putz - I think he threw one strike the entire inning and that was a hanging splitter to The Big FraGu. Maybe he’s hiding some lingering soreness from his injury? Just speculating.

Kerry Wood - I’m by no means a Wood apologist, but HBP, Soriano misplays a ball, infield single, walk, Braun hits a triple, it wasn’t really Wood’s fault. Just bad circumstances.

Eric Gagne - Walk, strikeout, then a bullet double play. Just good circumstances.

Carlos Marmol - I’m pretty sure he would’ve just struckout the side in his third inning of work. BTW, Marmol has 19 innings of work through May 1st. This will probably kill Marmol for next year, but Piniella doesn’t seem to care.

Brian Shouse - Second win this season by Shouse where he only needed one pitch. Get on board!

Yes, Magic Johnson recovered from AIDS faster than Casey Kotchman beat the kissing disease. Yes, his name sounds like he should be some superhero’s little buddy. No, I don’t have him on any team. So why am I recommending you get him for your fantasy baseball team? Because he knows how to walk. Exciting, right? In six years of the minors his OBP was .407. Last year on the Angels, he had 53 walks against 43 strikeouts. He’s not going to hit 40 home runs. Probably won’t come close to 30 home runs. Back in January, I predicted Casey’s numbers would be 80/22/80/.300 for the season. I’d say those numbers still look about right. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell.

BUY

Robinson Cano - Supposedly the loss of Larry Bowa is what has been bothering him. Yeah, and Oswald acted alone. Bowa’s family doesn’t even miss him that much. Cano will be fine, go get him before he puts together a hot streak.

Carlos Quentin - I’ve told you three times to pick him up, but I don’t feel the love. Go get him then return to tell me about how you dropped Sheffield for him. I’ll smile. What, you don’t want me to smile?

Khalil Greene - He’s a lifetime .250 hitter so I’m not sure what you’re expecting. Oh, home runs! Yeah, he’ll start hitting them. Patience, as Axl Rose would say.

Travis Hafner - I’m a bit concerned about the lack of walks, and even more concerned about the sore shoulder, but I’d still trade for him. He’s had ten home run months before and can do it again.

Paul Konerko - As I recently told you, he was dropped in my ‘pert league. I put in a waiver claim, but came up empty. He was snagged by someone else. If he’s going to reach his career norms, which I think he will, that’s a lot of hitting he’s going to do the rest of the way.

Erick Aybar - You like cheap speed from your middle infielders? Oh, and he has four Ks in 60 at-bats. I likey.

Shane Victorino - Sure the injury is a concern, but he’s still capable of good numbers and he’s about to come back. He bumps Werth to right giving them two outfielders. (Pat the Bat fields as well as Dunn, which is to say they’re DHs in two years.)

Jose Guillen - This is not to say he’s going to have some sort of incredible rest of the season, but he won’t be as bad as he’s been.

Dioner Navarro - Okay, for all of you people still dealing with a hole at catcher, go grab Navarro. His numbers post-All-Star break last year were 30/8/31/.285/2. He’s only 24. Again, those are post-All-Star break numbers.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Melhouse was injured yesterday. I’ve picked Salty up in two leagues. He’ll still have Laird in front of him, but if you really need a catcher, stranger things have happened than Salty getting playing time — one stranger thing was him getting shipped to the minors. To give you an idea of who I’m dropping for him, Qualls in a 12 team and Brocail in a fifteen.

Matt Stairs - Rudy once called Stairs a Poor Man’s Giambi. That was true once, but now Giambi’s actually a Poor Man’s Stairs. Weird, right?

Felipe Lopez - Simply because he didn’t break camp with a starting job doesn’t mean he doesn’t have value now. He’ll need to continue to stay hot to stave off Belliard, but he can go it. It’s not like Belliard has that much going for him.

Clint Barmes - Speaking of shortstops who became 2nd basemen who were then written off, he’s not as good as his last week of starts, but batting high in the Rockies order can’t hurt. But, as we know, deer meat can hurt.

SELL

Brandon Phillips - See this morning’s post. Or not. I’ll sleep okay. I wear a sleep mask.

Gary Sheffield - He’s like the baseball equivalent of Rowdy Roddy Piper. You don’t want to like him, but you can’t help yourself. Personally, I love Sheff. He’s a jackass — an egotistical jackass — maniacal even. What’s not to love? Sheffield this year. I know it hurts, but you gotta let him go.

Francisco Liriano - In all but deep leagues and keepers, you’re not selling as much as dropping.

Jorge Cantu - If someone actually believes the resurgence in Florida, I’d sell.

Asdrubal Cabrera - As if having a first name that sounds like a leaky bum isn’t enough, he’s been sitting for Jamey Carroll. Watch to see if Josh Barfield gets the call at 2nd.

Eric Hinske - He goes and gets hot and the club grabs Dan Johnson and Gabe Gross. Here’s mud in your eye, Hinske.

Alfonso Soriano - Not selling sell him for Manny Acosta, but Soriano’s recurring injuries spell trouble. Not to mention, he’s probably older than Tejada.

Jose Lopez - He’s really not that good when he’s playing well, which he is right now.

Kevin Youkilis - He’s not really as good as his April numbers would suggest. If you have a Son of Sam Horn in your league, trade Yooooook.

Daniel Cabrera - Really I could’ve easily put him on the Buy list; that’s the problem with Cabrera. Every time he turns a corner, he turns another corner and he’s right back where he started. If he just turned a corner and stayed there, he’d be incredible.