He’ll make you feel good and bad and happy and sad. But mostly just sad. And mad. And glad…you don’t own him. I’m talking, of course, of Jose Valverde. Motown just can’t resist the temptations of signing Papa Grande. Smokey just went over all the fantasy baseball closers. There’s $12 Salads. There’s Donkeycorns. There’s Brain Freezes. There should be another category underneath the Brain Freezes for Valverde: Tossed Salad That Gives You Botulism. He seems like a great idea. Why do you need a side of rigatoni when you’re having lasagna for dinner? It makes sense to get the side salad. Go with the tossed salad. Unfortunately, the tossed salad was prepared in 2007 and is piled in the corner of the kitchen holding the employee’s bathroom door open because Brian lost the key. Once in a while Brian also forgets to stock the bathroom with toilet paper, so the iceberg lettuce doubles its duties, so to speak. That’s Valverde. There’s so many reasons to not pick him up, but let’s stick with the two most important ones: 1) He wasn’t good last year when he had the job. 2) Detroit even replaced him when games really mattered. 3) I said let’s stick with two reasons so why would you even mention 3? I wish I could sit here — and I am sitting, in a Barclay Lounger, a matter of fact — and tell you the signing of Valverde means the Detroit shituation has become crystal clear now. That, now, Valverde will close games. Yeah, he might get shoved into the closer role, but closing games is another issue. He was signed to a minor league contract. He’ll now take anywhere from two to four weeks to get ready, then the Tigers will either call him up or release him. I’d put his chances to get saves within a month at 35%. There’s still Benoit, Coke, Dotel and Al Al’etc who could take the job and run with it in the mean’s while. After seeing Dotel enter the game in the 6th yesterday, there’s no telling what will happen. Someone get close to Leyland’s cigarette pack and check to see if there’s a warning that reads, “Caution: May Cause Smoker To Use The Wrong Man In The 9th Inning.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ah Flexibility. It’s like when you were a kid, (or still are a kid) and you have to do that v-sit reach test. You stretch and stretch and in your mind you are awesome, but in reality there is some Romanian chick in your class name Nadia who can eat spaghetti-o’s one at a time with her naval and makes everyone look horrible. This, my friends, is all about the fake baseball flexibility, the laid back one where you pick Cheetos’s one by one out of your belly button, and that to me is grandiose. First lint and now artificially flavored cheese snacks — the world will never cease to amaze me, next thing you know we will put a man on the moon. So last week I gave a preemptive strike into the flexibility thing covering RP that will or may be starting come regular season and are only eligible at RP. Now I am covering some guys that will have both RP and SP, it’s like a fluffer and porn star all rolled into one. So with out the frills and more annoying hullabaloo here are some cats that have dual eligibility. Keep in mind that everyone plays with different settings, so I am only giving guys with 5 starts/5 relief appearances or more to be considered.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As always on Saturdays we come to you live and direct with some of the lesser owned two start chaps that may be wandering your waiver wire like a lost kid at the Walgreens. This week has some tasty options of the buy low variety, and 2 guys that are especially hot and pitching stupid. Stupid in this case is a good thing, and if I really needed to explain that then, well, stupid does makes sense. So enjoy this week’s selections of pitchers with that two start persuasion. (Please note that pitchers and match-ups change.)
Kyle Kendrick (Mia vs LeBlanc, Hou vs Lyles) True story, his porno name would be Sweetums Swampfoot. Last 5 starts he has been money, 4-1 with an ERA a tick above 1.50, yes that’s a one in front.Please, blog, may I have some more?
It didn’t take long for Josh Beckett to cause people to question the heart of the Dodgers staff. And they didn’t even have to send them a Valentine. Look, we wouldn’t wish a heart issue on anyone but of all the Dodger closers over the years, why Kenley Jansen?Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know that cracked out guy at the 7-11 at 3 AM who’s just trying to get a cylindrical hamburger for free? ”Yo, man, can I get me a cylindrical hamburger?” Grabs said hot doggey-looking burger and jets for the exit.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Rangers are thinking about calling up big-time prospect, Jurickson Profar. When I saw that news my eyes did the John Lithgow’s eyes when he sees the gremlin on the wing of the plane in Twilight Zone, The Movie. Then I started thinking, as I’m wont to do on occasion, Kinsler is on lock, Andrus isn’t going anywhere yet, Beltre and Olt can play 3rd, while Young can butcher all 4 positions and fly the “This guy is the heart of our team” flag.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Brewers called up shortstop, Jean Segura. Woohoo! Now, on various teams, I have Domonic Brown, Mike Olt, Straily, Starling Marte, Brett Jackson, Josh Vitters and some serious Short Eyes. I’m basically the creepy guy hanging around the playground in my Astrovan, blasting “Hey Nineteen” wearing candy jewelry like I’m Mr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you ever get flustered to the point where you never know what to say. Well that’s where I am currently. Fantasy baseball is tertiary right now; yea it’s on a a whole third level of importance as I type this.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay. The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs. Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles. Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down. I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. What, horsemeat? Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby! 24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matt Lindstrom was named the Astros closer. Over/under on game-winning HRs given up to Pujols: 3. Lindstrom had a 1.65 WHIP and a 5.89 ERA last year. So, no, I don’t think he’s safe. Would I own him? Sure. I also don’t think the Astros will have that many saves so it’s not worth holding onto Brandon Lyon, unless your league’s very deep or you don’t trust yourself to be the first one to the waiver wire to grab Lyon if/or when Lindstrom’s removed from the closer role. Just think, better you wasted a low draft pick on Lyon than $5 million per year over three years. Somewhere, Ed Wade’s toupee shrugs. Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:
Ian Kinsler – May start the year on the DL. More like a month of May start. Okay, if you’re not paying attention to my hints over the last two days of posts, I’m officially worried about Kinsler. If he’s not good in April and not good in the 2nd half, when’s he going to be good? May through June? I’d pull up on the Kinsler throttle if I were drafting this weekend. If you’re already pot-committed, I would just hold tight and hope for the best. You don’t short sell your 2nd round pick, unless of course you’re getting a 2nd rounder back. Why am I so worried about Kinsler and not, say, Reyes? Reyes is coming two to three rounds later. Reyes can run at full speed; Kinsler can’t run. He hasn’t been able to run since March 12th. Earth to Kinsler owners, that ain’t good.Please, blog, may I have some more?