Fantasy Baseball Advice

My dinner with Andre is over as Andre Ethier has called it kaput on his season.  It wasn’t from a lack of trying, I’ll tell ya that.  “Hey, I just want to say how much it means to me to try to help this team win even though I shouldn’t be playing.  This is my job, and I take my job very seriously, even if means I may never walk again because I’m playing when I shouldn’t be.  I will not sit, no matter what!  Unless someone asks me to sit because they realize I shouldn’t be playing.”  Andre encapsulates today’s athlete perfectly.  Team first, as long the player is okay putting team first.  For whatever reason, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ethier overdrafted again next year.  People just can’t get enough of his 20 homer, no steal fantasy value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dee Gordon – 4-for-5 with his 17th steal.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Seems like a no-brainer, which is my specialty.

Juan Rivera – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs.  He now has 32 RBIs in 45 games with the Dodgers.  Note to self:  Use Juan Rivera at a later date to show how arbitrary RBIs are.

Chad Billingsley – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If he was a dangling Chad on your team, punch him out.

Vladimir Guerrero – 3-for-5 with his 12th homer.  After the game, he had vodka with coffee liqueur while arguing with Mark Reynolds about who was the best cosmonaut.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4.  This comes after an 0-for-10 stretch with 7 Ks.  He reminds me a bit of me at this bar the other night.  There was a point when I actually said the line, “What’s your man got to do with me?”  They don’t call me the Fantasy Master Lothario — or FML — for nothing.

Eric Chavez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  When Chavez goes up to bat, the song that plays is “I Suck, Sucker,” which I wrote and sang for him.

Craig Schwinden – 5 IP, 5 ER.  In the first row at Metco was Kim Basinger, she’s a total Babraham Lincoln… Schwinden!

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a grand slam in the first game of the doubleheader; 1-for-2 with a steal in the 2nd.  He now has three homers in the last week.  This will help the Mets, who are preparing a video of his week’s exploits with Joe Esposito’s You’re the Best playing in the background, which they will ship around to perspective trade partners in the offseason.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Damn, really could used a 6 IP, 0 ER start from him, and, as always, this is all about me.

Julio Teheran – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s gonna be good, but this was no indication of that.  The Mets and Braves both looked like they just got done playing a previous game, which they did.

Brent Morel – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  You fancy mushroom!

Brent Lillibridge – Sticking with the Brent theme, Lillibridge was hit by a pitch that broke his hand.  He should’ve aqueduct’d.

Ian Kennedy – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, improving his record to 19-4.  Joe Kennedy would’ve been proud, then bought him an election.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  He’s still struggling to maintain a decent average with all the Ks, but he has two homers in the last week.

Rickie Weeks – The Brewers activated Weeks from the 15-day DL that he was on for over a month.  15-day DL, “You exploit my generosity!”

Andrew Miller – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wonder who’s gonna be bumped from the Sawx rotation for the playoffs.  I mean, I have an idea.  Be weird if it’s Miller after Francona earlier in the year said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Maybe he’ll say he was putting air quotes around his statement.

Colby Rasmus – Took live batting practice and should be good to go by early next week.  I’ve marked my I Couldn’t Care Less calendar.  We now wait.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I got a letter recently from one of our incarcerated readers, it went like this, “I don’t think you’ve given enough attention to Encarnacion.  He’s hitting the cover off the ball just as well as anyone else in the major leagues or the penal circuit.  By the way, you puta?  Yours, Boo-Boo.”

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  A catcher with power and a low average?  Oh, he’s definitely gonna be on multiple teams of mine next year.  That’s right, I’m thinking about my 2012 draft already.  Sleep on me, that pillow is where your head’ll lie.  Permanently, snitch, it’s beddy-bye, Eminem.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Could I make R.R. Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (actor?)) a starter on some of my mixed teams in 2012?  I’m contemplating it.  AL East be damned!

Chris Narveson – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was good in this game, until he wasn’t.  Snap in the inverted W formation!

Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Season ERA is 2.60 and WHIP is 0.95.  Phillies are gonna be tough to beat in the playoffs.  Cust kayin’.

Chase Utley – Will sit out this weekend with what is being deemed a mild concussion.  I got one thing to relay about mild concussions… Justin Morneau called and said, “How come I’m wearing my mittens on my feet?”

The M’s are calling up Trayvon Robinson today.  Should be fun for the Dodgers to get a look at their first mistake under Selig.  Trayvon’s a high risk/high reward call up which sounds a lot better than Seattle’s low risk/low reward offense.  It’s like taking a chance on the next Kurt Cobain or Jimi Hendrix instead of settling on Candlebox.  In Triple-A, Trayvon had 26 homers in 416 PAs, which is plate appearances, not how many production assistants Michael Bay had on his last movie.  He looks a bit like a Bowden Fluffer.  Speed and power and crazy Ks and “athleticism” whatever the eff that means.  In AL-Only leagues, you have to jump on him.  In some mixed leagues, I like the flyer, as well.  You’re looking at a guy that could give you 7-10 steals and some pop in the final two months.  (BTW, for all you Real World heads out there, I tried really hard to work an allusion to Shauvon into the title saying Trayvon was the M’s best implant, but I failed you.  I will now punish myself by watching back-to-back episodes of My Strange Addiction.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – I just went over my Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while impersonating a police officer.  BTW, that post is from last week, so if you didn’t get Lawrie in your league, don’t blame me.  I gave you ample warning.   Ample Warning would also be a great album title.

Travis Snider – Sent down to AAA again.  He had a nice stretch in the first half of July but had cooled off since then.  He’s a damn tease.  If Riccardi was in charge, he’d give him enough time to shine, overpay him, and then trade him to the White Sox or Angels.

Jon Rauch – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Still has an ERA better than Frank Francisco.  4.44 to 4.54.  Rauch and Francisco are the new blech.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see Snider pluck his wispy, seventeen-strand mustache and try to sneak back onto the club as the closer.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-6 with his 3rd home run.  After the game, he cured cancer, then Roger Ebert gave him a thumbs up.

Evan Longoria – He hit his 16th homer… Yay!  He went 1-for-6… Nay!

Shin-Soo Choo – Took batting practice and says he should be able to return in the next two weeks.  Considering how he was hitting before the injury, I’m not sure if that’s good news or bad.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-5 after hitting 2 homers two days ago.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that’s in the can and I only make addendums for guys by the name of Desmond Jennings.

Carlos Pena – On Wednesday he went 2-for-2, yesterday he hit a home run.  Here comes another run from Pena of five homers in seven days or my name isn’t Grey Stallion Albright.  You can abbreviate Stallion as St. if you wish.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in three days.  You realize you’ve made me scared to say anything nice about catchers.  I’m like a battered shrimp.  The small people, not the crustacean.

Blake DeWitt – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Still holding the title “Choice DeWitt” in my back pocket for when this guy actually hits well.

Rodrigo Lopez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  He’s such a peg boy.

Ivan Nova – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  He will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Just keep hitting refresh and it will magically appear.

Eric Chavez – 2-for-4 and played over Eduardo Nunez.  I hope this schmohawk doesn’t take time away from Nunez and his thievery corporation.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Sawx.  You have nuggets the size of Mr. Met’s head if you started Masterson in Fenway.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Sucks if you own him this year and you’re getting his .232 average, but I hope it stays low so he comes at a bit of a discount in 2012.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit .280 next year with 20+ homers as he enters his prime years.  Hopefully he just avoids duets with Rob Thomas.

Johan Santana – Diagnosed with shoulder fatigue.  Shoot it up with some Red Bull!  Actually, they should just shut him down.  No idea what the Mets are trying to prove by having him pitch for a few weeks in September.

Brandon Belt – Was sent down.  This was a great season to stunt a prospect’s progress.  Up, down, up, down, up, down…It’s enough to discombobulate Sandy Duncan’s eye.

Omar Infante – Headed to the DL with a fractured middle finger.  I’m sure anyone who just went through the trouble of adding him to their fantasy team has a middle finger for him.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Sorry, but if you still own him, you deserved this start.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-2 with his fifth steal in the last week.  Someone in the comments asked if Young plays when CarGo returns.  Good question, but I’d ferry cross that Mersey when it happens.

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer as he laughs at my Ethier comparison.  If I knew all he needed was me calling him out, I would’ve back in April.

Yadier Molina – Suspended 5 games for bumping the ump.  That’s one game for every minute the Molina family takes to do a Chinese fire drill.  “Bengie, you were driving!”  “I’m getting there, Yadi!  I stopped for lunch by the rear bumper.”

David Freese – Hit in the head by a pitch and left the game.  MLB.com said it was a changeup.  A changeup from what?  Morneau or David Wright getting hit in the head?  Freese has a mild concussion.  My best guess is he’ll miss at least a week.

Kyle Lohse – 3 IP, 3 ER.  He definitely regressed.  His ERAs per month:  1.64, 2.57, 4.55, 5.53.  That looks like one of those Price is Right games.

Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives? Oh, you meant it more why do we care about Jennings so much, gotcha. He’s the number one prospect in baseball for fantasy, according to Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. There’s guys that can hit with more power. There’s pitchers that have great stuff, but speed translates easiest to the majors and Jennings gets a lot of his value from his legs. Also, he’s had a great OBP through the minors, so getting on base shouldn’t be an issue. Then you throw in his teen homer power and you’re looking at a guy that could be B.J. Upton without the phantasmagorically bad average.  Call the engraver, we need a plaque for Cooperstown!  As with all rookies — or rooks if you have a short attention span — there’s the chance he falls flat on his face or steps on a rake and isn’t good until next year. Wasn’t like he set the world on fire last September when he was used off the bench (.190 average, 0 homers in 21 ABs with 2 steals). For his huge upside, you should take a flyer on him in every league. Yeah, even yours. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton – As the Rays started the Jennings’ arbitration clock, they also started the Upton nice-knowing-you clock.

Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Tampa Bay Peach was much better in the minor leagues this year than he’s been in the majors, and he hasn’t been too bad in the majors.  Decent flyer in deeper leagues, but he’s not guaranteed anything.  Like all of us.  Geez, that’s dark.

Zack Cozart – Just when I drop my other shortstops, deciding to roll with Cozart, he goes and gets hurt.  I know, here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s you putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay and when someone meets the opening bid of one cent, they’ll play it for me.

Mike Carp – Hit two homers this weekend while maintaining his tilde .250.  BTW, someone who raises you but isn’t your mother?  Matilde.  You’re welcome, English language.  I’m making you better.

Adrian Beltre – To the DL with hammy issues.  Know who else had hammy issues?  Kermit the Frog.

Chris Davis – Called up to replace Beltre.  Someone change Bill James’s sheets!

Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Through 92 innings, has a 0.93 WHIP.  That’s good.  More impressively, he’s only walked one batter in his last 21 innings.

Chase Headley – I refused to own him this year…Actually, besides Bartlett, I’ve abstained from Padre hitters.  And Bartlett just for speed.  So I wasn’t exactly following Headley’s season.  Any the hoo!  He has 3 homers on the year!!!  (Extra exclamation marks provided by my 14-year-old niece.)   And he has only two homers since April 2nd.  Your deity of choice, that’s terrible.

Phil Hughes – He was in Friday’s Buy column then he went out and served you lunch in a Port-A-John.  Totally 20/20 hindsight here, but would I start him every time out?  Nope.  Do I still think he should be owned in most leagues?  Yup.  Should he be owned in your league?  Mupe.  That’s colloquial for maybe.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit three homers this weekend to bring his season total to 15.  The funny thing — and by ‘funny’ I mean not funny at all — people ask me if I like so-and-so catcher better than so-and-so catcher, and in my head I’m like, “It’s a catcher.  Just put him in your slot and stop picking the scab.”  Unless we’re talking about the difference in McCann and Chris Iannetta, there’s very little separating most catchers.  Yet, this seems impossible to get through to people.

Eric Chavez – As the trading deadline approaches, Eric Chavez is the one player that no teams are interested in.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  You’re basically drinking jungle juice straight from a bathtub if you started him here.

Hideki Matsui – 5-for-5.  I almost included him in hitters that had a big 2nd half last year, but I didn’t think it was possible for a repeat.  I figured he was too old, too tired and too effin’ blind from his huge porn collection.  He’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.  He also dedicated this big game to his anime-inspired wife.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs as he stays hot.  He’s now hit in almost as many consecutive games as there are syllables in his name.

Dustin Pedroia – Sawx scored 12 runs and Dusty went 1-for-5 with a run.  Ticker tease!

Tim Stauffer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Citizens Flank.  See Gonzalez, Gio or 2 inches above.

Mike Trout – Not to be shown up by Carp, Trout went deep for the first time in his career.  Somewhere, Kevin Bass is smiling.  Trout’s also hitting .179, so there’s that.

Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5 yesterday and 2-for-3 with a home run on Saturday.  Member in the preseason when you drafted Byrd as your 5th outfielder?  Yeah, he could still do that.

Carlos Lee – 4-for-8 over the last two days with a homer.  First Byrd, now Carlos Lee — it’s like I found this roundup in a time capsule.

Adam Jones – Yesterday, a slam and legs to go with 2 homers over the weekend.  Next year, he’s gonna be 26 years old.  Giddy up.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this weekend.  He’s younger than the youngest Culkin brother.  Yup.

Emilio Bonifacio – Hitting streak at 23 games.  Imagine he broke Joe Dimaggio’s hit streak?  Baseball historians, sporting tweed jackets, would be jumping out of windows all over our fine nation.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit three homers over the weekend.  He (she?) is having one of those borderline seasons.  In NL-Only leagues, you’re more than happy.  In mixed leagues, you’re kinda meh.

David Wright – 3-for-4 with his first home run since he returned on Friday.  Don’t want to jinx him by saying he looks like he hasn’t missed a beat, and not totally sure if it’s a jinx just by saying I don’t want to jinx him.

Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER.  When you don’t have the closing job, but you’re trying to get it, it’s not the best move to blow a game.  Maybe he should switch to Bob or Robert to try and instill some confidence.  Bobby’s a child; this is a man’s game!

Antonio Bastardo – Got the save yesterday.  Manuel just got on the phone with the bullpen and said he didn’t care which bastard came in and Antonio warmed up.  Madson had also saved the previous two games.

Chase Utley – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  I hope it’s the start of something magical that would make his pomade-fueled hair proud, but sadly I think his best days are behind him.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with a home run.  In an odd turn of events, Rasmus started.  And for the Cardinals.  Geiger, let’s go!

Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If someone asks if they should still own this schmohawk, they should just put their password in the comments and I’ll drop him for you.

Justin Upton – 9 for his last 11 with 9 RBIs and 2 homers.  Still enough season left for him to make his case for being a top five draft pick next year.  Go ahead scoff, you scoffer.  But if he gets to 30/20 with a .290 average, at the age of 24 you’re going to doubt him?

Brett Cecil – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m warning you now, I’m gonna like him a lot going into next year.  You know, I like high-K, sexy pitchers that are totally inconsistent.  These guys are the insane, hot girls that you wanna date but you really shouldn’t.  Your friend, “You should break up with her.”  “We all have our quirks…”  Your friend, “She just set your car on fire.”  “But she has great breasts!”

Adam Dunn – Went 3-for-16 (.188) this week to raise his average to .160.  My man’s on fire!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I continue to watch every start of his with my hands in front of my eyes.  Somehow, his ERA is 2.57.

Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER as the Mariners losing streak hits 15 games.  That’s an impressive skid mark.

Later, Hawai’ian.  Hello, Eric Hosmer.   Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!”  In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs.  Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A.  Bye, A!  The average has been great too.  He looks like Votto to me.  To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year.  He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you!  If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it.  He’s just a bit too raw.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere.  You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk.  Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call.  Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today.  Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff.  They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get.  Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way.  Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team?  He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC.  Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything.  His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out.  I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.

Melky Cabrera – Hit his third homer to put the pressure on Justin Morneau to keep pace.

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was clotheslined today by his manager after leaving Johnson in until he gave up a 3-2 lead.  Michael Dunn proceeded to make it a Hart Attack by letting two inherited runners come in on a Berkman HR.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got the save.  He’s the closer!  Maybe!  He might have the job until he blows it.  Or not!  He’s worth owning for the off chance La Russa has made up his feathered-hair covered mind.  “Look at my hair!  It falls naturally like the feather in Forrest Gump.”  Whatever, La Russa.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-3 as Nick Punto played 2nd base.  See, Punto was playing today and not able to don Pujols’ jersey and take an 0-for-4.  I’m the monkey-fightin’ Oliver Stone of fantasy baseball ‘perts!

David Price – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Maybe he knew what he was talking about in not knowing what I was talking about.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Or a Boesch & Bomb.  Bee tee dubya, 2 homers after over a month isn’t great.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Give Al Alburquerque a chance!  Santa K, New Mexiclosero!

Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not to toot my own horn — though if I could I’d never leave my house — but I never bought into Myers’ early success.  Take that, snitches!

Jason Bourgeois – 2 steals.  Holy SAGNOF, Batman!  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros.  Was a pretty easy matchup, but I guess it’s safe to get him back in your lineups.  To be honest, I’ve sorta lost my patience with Bailey and won’t be adding him anywhere, which, of course, means he’ll be terrific.  It’s reverse psyching-out-yourself psychology.  Or maybe it’s confirmation bias.  Or maybe I should’ve paid attention in Psych 101.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 6th homer.  I’m not lucky, I’m Bruce’d.  Yes.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but if you haven’t picked him up by now, you lose.  If you don’t trust me, look at his K/9 and K/BB.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Member in the preseason when I made my off-the-wall prediction that Marcum would start the All-Star game?  His ERA is 2.06.  Cust kayin’.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with his 2nd home run in two games.  Super hard to get excited about this schmohawk, but he is currently hitting.  Hot schmotato’s come in all forms, ya’ll.

Ryan Sweeney – 5-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Sweeney wins the coveted prize of “I have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.”  Show him what he wins!  A brand new 2011 Ellipsis! …

Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-5, hitting .226 on the year.  Is he still drunk?

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 4 Runs as he achieved the rare golden runbrero.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his third homer in his last four games.  Too bad the Sciosciapath only plays him four times a week.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-6, 2 steals.  Obviously just the sight of Varitek in the dugout gets opposing baserunners excited.

John Lackey – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Angels treated their old teammate like an inmate riot treats a cruel guard.  Shiv!  Shiv!  Shiv!

Jonathan Broxton – Has a bone spur on his elbow and is likely headed to the DL.  Don’t take my word for it.  Here’s what Broxton had to say, “I’m fat.”  Alrighty then!  I’d own Kuo, Padilla and Jansen in deep leagues.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Whatever, wouldn’t trust him, need to get dressed to go celebrate my Chicano brothers with tequila, moving on.

Eric Chavez – Has a broken foot.  So I ask you, Eric Chavez wants to tandem skydive with you, do you agree?  If you do agree, do you make sure your Last Will and Testament is in good order?

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Bochy said Sanchez is “drifting mentally.”  Bochy became concerned when Sanchez started playing his Nintendo DS during a 3-1 count.

Derek Holland is not officially a rookie, but that doesn’t mean he might not roofie you.  Pitching in and out of the rotation last year, he had some real ulcer-inducing starts.   I know, I have the internal scars to prove it.  Oh, Mylanta!  Though his xFIP was better than his actual ERA.  I know, too bad your league isn’t all fussy with an xFIP category.  Holland’s a plus-plus strikeout guy.  In the hitter-friendly PCL, he had a 37:7 K:BB rate and a 0.93 ERA.  He’s homer-prone and in Arlington that is a recipe for turd nuggets.  I’m much more aggressive about grabbing young hitters than young pitchers.  Hitters give you an 0-for-34 and you punt.  A pitcher gives you a 2 IP, 7 ER start and that causes you to punch a random stranger and then next thing you know some guy named Bubba is fitting you for a teardrop tattoo.  See how quickly that spiral spun downward?  Ask Lawrence Taylor, he’ll tell you.  So I didn’t grab Holland anywhere, but I would in the right circumstances, as long as you monitor where you start him.  His first two outings are set for the A’s and Angels.  That’s a “Yes, please” and “Don’t mind if I do.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 hit shutout with 8 Ks as he dropped his ERA to 4.07 on the season.  And there’s why I liked him so much in the preseason.  If he’s out there in your league, own him, in the non-biblical sense.

Chris Heisey – Got his first major league hit and homer.  He’s a 15/15 type that needs to have everyday at-bats to have mixed league value.  I think he’s better than Drew Stubbs, but WWDD?  My guess is Dusty will continue to play Stubbs.

J.J. Hardy – Headed for the DL with a bruised left wrist.  If you don’t have DL room, move on/look elsewhere.  Brendan Harris should see most of the time at short.  Harris is good… To avoid.  Twins also called up Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, Charlie Morton pitched better than Slowey last night.  I’m not dropping Slowey, but that’s only because I don’t own him in 12 team leagues or shallower.  If I did, he’d be done-zo.  In deeper leagues, I’m holding him but I’m not starting him next time out.  I’m kinda just hoping for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  How dare you betray my trust, Slowey?  You’re about to get filed away with 2009 James Shields, which might be the best thing for your career.

Bobby Jenks – Got the save yesterday, but Ozzie said they could go to a closer by situation, which is closer by committee for those who have used all of their blanks and M tiles.

Franklin Morales – To the DL.  Manny Corpas and/or Rafael Betancourt should get the saves, in that order.  I’d own both, if I had the room.  Unfortunately, I had a big meal of Blown Save Suckage recently, so no room.

Neftali Feliz – Blew a save.  You ever own the setup man and hope the closer doesn’t blow it because you don’t trust the setup man?  That’s how I feel with Frank Francisco.  I own him, but am petrified of him getting save opportunities.  Sorta how I feel about Juan Gutierrez too.

Mark DeRosa – Called offseason wrist surgery a total failure and he may need another procedure.  The doctor who operated called DeRosa the worst patient ever and said he wants his lollipop back.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as he hit 8th in the lineup because, well, he sucks.  I did have some concerns about him in the preseason.  Click it, you know you wanna.

Fred Lewis – 2-for-4, now batting .309 on the year with two homers and 3 steals.  Not flashy like my dookie fat gold chain that is just below the frame of my user photo, but Lewis will tortoise you to a 10/17 year.

Russell Branyan – 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of something if you need power.  He did hit 22 homers pre-All-Star Break last year.

Carlos Beltran – Ricky from My So Called Life was cleared to jog and do some baseball activities.  You know, like spitting and grabbing his junk.  Considering Beltran was only supposed to miss a few games last June, I’ll believe he’s playing baseball again when I see it in Metco.

Scott Olsen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Only one of those baserunners was a walk and a few of those singles were of the “Excuse me” variety.  So hold S.O. (<–not a palindrome)

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating as all get out.

Randy Wells – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Without doing the complex math, I’m going to say he was unlucky here too since he only had 5 baserunners and 3 earned.  I’m buying into Wells getting, um, well.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K.  Read Wells’ blurb in a mirror.

Troy Glaus – 17 for his last 38 with two homers in two straight games.  Should be owned in all leagues while he’s hot.

Tim Stauffer – Added DL to his RP/SP eligibility as he’s out for 6 weeks with an appendectomy.

Brad Lidge – Said he didn’t like how his arm felt when he threw yesterday.  That’s usually not a good sign.  The Latin 38, Jose Contreras, is the pickup for saves.  Everyone seems fine with grabbing Contreras and maybe he’ll be okay, but he seems to be pitching so far over his head I’m surprised he hasn’t been bringing a ladder out to the mound.

Jimmy Rollins – Expects to be back by next week.  Maybe he can close.

John Ely – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Said I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues before this start.  Now I’d start to look at him in mixed leagues.  In his division and park, he should get some decent matchups.

Josh Beckett – Will miss Friday’s start because of back spasms that were a result of taking swings in the batting cage.  What, was he reading Rick Ankiel’s Wikipedia page?

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying it.

Jason Varitek – You might want to stay away from sharp objects as you read the next two sentences.  Varitek hit his 6th homer on the year yesterday.  Victor Martinez has 3 homers.

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-3 as he bats .268 on the year.  He still hasn’t hit a homer.  Wha’ happened?  The ‘brist have his power circumcised?  It’s not completely surprising to me.  As I said in the rankings, “(Zobrist) was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as his defense let him down with 4 unearned runs.  Penny has a 1.70 ERA on the year.  You know when you have one guy who is carrying your whole staff and you just know the bottom is going to fall out but you want to believe so bad.  Yeah, Penny’s that guy for me on multiple teams.

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  So far this year, he’s been consistently better than average.  He seems like a safe bet to get some Ks, keep his team close and at some point beat up a girl.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 as he hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Instead of fireworks, the Astros showcased their new way to celebrate a home run.  A giant dummy in the outfield that bears a striking resemblance to Ed Wade has its eyes pop out and toupee shoots off its head after a homer.

Eric Chavez – Hit his first homer of the year.  It was a called shot.  He called it, “I can’t believe I’m not on the DL.”