Fantasy Baseball Advice

That title there, that’s country speak. This here boy, Adam Dunn, he’s country strong and this, folks, this is the 2nd half of the baseball season. Let’s git ‘r Dunn! Since July 6th, Adam Dunn has 6 hits in the last 8 games. Guess how many of those were home runs. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *scratches head, picks ear, adjusts macksack* 6 of 6 were home runs. My man’s predictable. In. The. Best. Way. Possible. Yesterday, I went over how precious time is from now until the end of the season. (I’m not talking precious like making sure you go see your kids play soccer or some shizz.) If you need home runs, there are so few guys that could put up 20 home runs in the 2nd half. Dunn is one. Now will Dunn’s average make you long for the days of Tony Pena Jr.? Maybe. But a funny thing happened on the way to the end of last season. Dunn hit .273 post-All-Star Break. Zoinks! Say what, karaoke? You heard me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – This is a lot better move for real baseball than it is for fantasy baseball. I’d throw a few dollars towards him in an NL-only waiver claim or I’d use a mid-level waiver claim. Yes, this is coming from the guy who preaches you should use your waiver claim fast and furious. Why do I say only a mid-level claim for Joe Blah? Cause I don’t really want him in any league, even in an NL-only league.

Chris Iannetta – 2-run HR. I keep getting questions in the comments or the forum about this guy. Grey, should I go with Pudge over Iannetta cuz, like, he has a starting job? Doooode, if you’re forced to have Pudge on your team, you should hope he loses the starting job. Iannetta has 10 HRs in a timeshare. You won’t take 3 or 4 good days a week instead of 6 crappy ones? Not to mention, Iannetta’s going to be getting more and more time in front of Torrealba.

Adam LaRoche – He’s at .415 for the month. If you picked him up today, you care what his April was like? That was rhetorical.

David Wright – Jerry Manuel did such great work to get Wright to hit a HR today. That was sarcastic.

Johan Santana – Tagged for 5 ER in 4 IP. After the game, he was seen dialing up his old friend, Kyle Lohse, for advice.

Marcus Thames – Hit his 18th HR in like 15 at-bats or something. I think if Thames and Dunn were in the home run derby we’d see 50 HRs and our first strikeout.

Francisco Cordero – Gave up 4 ER, 6 hits in 1/3 of an inning. I just traded him in one league with Fuentes for Ellsbury. Now I know how Tina Turner felt when Ike died. Phew.

Edwin Encarnacion – HR yesterday. I was going to put Double E on my top 100 for the 2nd half. Besides him having a good post-All-Star break last year, I couldn’t find a way to justify it. Encarnacion could be solid again, but my faith left the building.

Troy Glaus – 2 HRs. Glaus is another one that almost made the list. I pardon you. Glaus has been torrid of late. If a guy is hot for one month after the All-Star break, then you drop him for some other hot schmohawk in Augtember, you’ll be doing fine. Cust kayin’.

Kyle Lohse – 2 ER in 7 IP and Lohse moved to 12-2. Lohse says he owes it all to a chimpanzee named Ed, who turned out to be a best friend and a hirsute matchmaker of hilarious proportions. With Lohse and the chimp’s help, the Cards just might win the pennant!

Jake Peavy – Gave up four HRs and lost to Lohse. After the game, Peavy said, “I gotta get me a chimp.”

I was drunk for the first three months of the fantasy baseball season. That’s right, blitzed. Three coladas to the wind. Someone would ask me for fantasy baseball advice and I’d type out my answers with a celery stalk that was drenched in booze. Chris Davis or Chase Headley? I’d play eeny-meeny-miney-moe with my cocktail umbrellas. Start Kuroda? I’d ask whatever nogoodnik was on the stool next to me at the local watering hole. But I had, as drunks say, a moment of clarity. So I decided to take the All-Star Break as an opportunity to look back at some ill-advised fantasy baseball advice that I gave and make amends. As Josh Hamilton would say, “It’s Step 8. Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and make amends to them all. Apologize especially to Milton Bradley, or he’ll stab you with a spork.” Anyway, here goes some apologies for first half fantasy baseball advice that makes me lucky the American Mustache Institute doesn’t revoke my license to have a mustache:

Travis Hafner – I placed him 4th overall for all first basemen. Not only did Hafner not deliver what I had hoped, he didn’t deliver anything, except a message that read, “I don’t deserve my uber-cool nickname, Pronk, and my bones have atrophied 500% in the last two years.” Unless Hafner gets in that pool from the movie, “Cocoon,” we’re done with each other forever. Skinny dip with Wilford Brimley or it’s goodbye. Your call, Pronk.

Rich Hill – I put everyone in this schmohawk, including Carl in the first comment here. I think Carl promised to hate me forever if the trade backfired. Luckily, all he lost was Krispie Young. I hate you, Rich Hill, for coming between me and Carl!

Jeff Francoeur – Even in leagues that don’t count OBP, I hate guys that don’t take a walk, but Frenchy had a certain je ne sais quoi. Maybe his free swinging ways made him like Vlad, but white — as most Vlads are.  Well, I was wrong here (even choosing him over Josh Hamilton in that ‘pert league), here and here. I swung and missed with Franceour about as many times as he did. Next time I tout Frenchy, my article title may as well be, “Grey’s Gay for Francoeur.”

Robinson Cano – There were times on this site when I should’ve changed my Don Mattingly look-a-like picture and put Cano up there with a big heart over it. I was blinded by Cano’s youth and flat, line drive stroke that is Carew-like. (If his swing was anymore like Carew’s, he’d have to circumcise the knobs on his bat.) Or maybe I was attracted to Cano’s absurdly low BABIP that made me think again and again he had to be a Buy Low…. Actually, I’m still buying. Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Edwin Encarnacion – When I placed him 15th out of all third basemen, I said this, “Maybe I’m effin’ crazy, but I like Encarnacion.” I was crazy. See, your first instinct is always right. Go ask Malcolm Gladwell.

Alex Gordon – I loved Gordon coming into the year. Was I wrong? That’s what this post is about. Why are you asking rhetorical questions that do nothing but hurt me? When you cut me, do I not bleed?

Alexis Rios – This is Rios’s fault as much as it’s mine. Why does your swing have to be so sweet?

Aaron Harang – I called Harang up the other day on my cellular phone. “Grey here.” “Oh, I was just calling in an order for some Hot & Sour Soup and potstickers and didn’t hear the phone ring.” “Yeah, that’s cool. Listen–” “Who did you say you were again?” “Never mind that.  Just let me say something.” “Um… Who?” “Listen, this isn’t easy. I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I thought you were a solid starter that was wholly underrated. I see now you weren’t underappreciated, just under-skilled–” “This is an apology?” “Yeah, give me a second. So when I told everyone they should not only draft you, but trade for you. Why did you then shit my house? Cause I think the–” “This doesn’t sound like an apology.” “I’m getting to it!” “Okay, but I think I have another call.” “Oh, okay, I just figured you owed me some kind of apology–” “Me apologize to you?” “Yeah, you completely ruined five of my fantasy teams!” “I thought you were the one who was supposed to apologize.” “Yeah, you’re right. I apologize for believiing in you, you fat, mother– Hello? Hello? Aaron?”

John Lackey showed Jered Weaver and Jake Peavy how it’s done. When your team gives you one run, you make shutout lemonade. After the game, one Angels fan said, “Lackey is twice the pitcher of Jim Abbott.” That’s 9 starts for Lackey this year and they’ve all been fantastic. 7+ IP every game. 2 runs or less in all except one (where he had 3). 6 Wins, sub-1.00 WHIP. Lackey hasn’t made a bad pitch since he tried to convince Arte Moreno to invest in his remake of Cop and a Half with John Lackey and Chone Figgins. I don’t know what they did to rehab his elbow but they should give a little bit to Kelvim Escobar. Now if he could only run for Vlad. As for Kevin Slowey, he pitched a complete game shutout. I touted Slowey all the way back in the beginning of May, while remaining realistic about his propensity for giving up home runs. I felt yesterday’s Brewers matchup wasn’t favorable for him, but I also told you Frenchy was a Buy in that May 3rd post, so I’ve had a few bumps along the way. However, if I may beat my own horn, in that May 3rd post I was probably 75% right. Seriously, doubt me. It makes me want to be better. Like Jerry Mcguire. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis – Homered yesterday. In one of my leagues, he doesn’t clear waivers until July 3rd. Seriously, Yahoo, you suck. How has Yahoo become the de facto fantasy baseball service of choice? I’m leaning to returning to ESPN next year. (Of course my favorite will be CBS, but they charge. Then again, isn’t everyone paying money for real time stats on Yahoo? How is this okay? Chris Davis played in two games before he was even added. It wasn’t even like he was added the day after his at-bat. Yahoo is known for being the number one search engine ten years ago. They’re attempting to do some nonsense with new email addresses. I guess this is for the six people who don’t already have a work email, a personal email and a spam email. Yeah, I want a fourth email. A “I’m never going to use this email” email. You can now reach me at YahooFantasyBaseballSucks@Rocketmail.com.)

Mark Buehrle – I started him again last night and got another quality start. I’m worried that I’m pressing my luck. No whammy! No whammy! Ooh… 5 IP and 7 ER.

Eric Gagne – Untuck his shirt Sunday night as he was activated from the DL. Knowing Torres should remain the closer and trying to save (<—pun!) face, Gagne said he’d welcome any job the Brewers had for him. I have an idea. During the 7th inning sausage race, how about a new addition — the crapwurst?

Andy Pettitte – That’s 4 straight wins with a 1.00 ERA over 27 IP. Granted, that includes a start against OAK and SDG but he’s paid off Rudy bigtime as a 6th starter in two leagues.

Jim Thome – I said on Friday that I would be buying once interleague was over. He hit a home run yesterday. I’ve picked him up in a ten team league. Adam Dunn was happy to see me pickup Thome. No longer would he get mocked for wearing overalls and chewing straw.

Dustin Pedroia – Here he comes to save the day! Mighty Mouse has been on fire all month and is now over .300 with 8 HR and 9 SB for the year.

Edwin Encarnacion – Homered yesterday. Do you think he dreams of being Adrian Beltre when he grows up? All you need is one monster season, double-E!

Michael Cuddyer – From the files of 2007 fantasy baseball, I felt like I should mention this schmohawk, but he’s done nothing this year at all. Now he’s headed to the DL.

Oliver Perez – Shut down the Yanks. He’s the equivalent of a crazy hot chick.

A.J. Burnett – If Oliver Perez is like a crazy hot chick, AJ Burnett is like a crazier Oliver Perez.

Brandon Lyon – After blowing another Haren save, it’s quite apparent. He’s made a Brandon pact with Mr. Webb. Todd Jones has made a similar pact with an imaginary pitcher on the Tigers he’s named Todd.

He almost lost the job last April. If you can find an owner willing to trade you Troy Tulowitzki for Jeter or Torii Hunter or Carlos Guillen, I’d do it.  I think the Polish have a rite of passion that they have to wear socks with their flip-flops for at least ten years of their life. I had a Polish friend growing up that would delivery newspapers in flip-flops and socks. You know what flip-flops and socks does for you? Makes you look ridiculous, so you know when you’re working it’s not a fashion show. It’s work, dammit. Tulowitzki probably hits the treadmill in flip-flops and socks. Cause baseball is work, dammit. And Tulo takes it seriously. I believe Tulo was genuinely upset with his slump. Do I think he’s out of the woods completely? Nah, probably not. But by the end of May, this slump will be a distant memory. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Matt Diaz – (using my big boy voice) Another home run! (using my little boy voice) Against a lefty.

Matt Stairs – Staying with the Matt theme, he can hit 25 home runs.

Alexis Rios – Two days off with the flu. *writing on pink construction paper* Get well soon, Alexis! (Hopefully he wasn’t kissing Casey “I Had the Kissing Disease for Two Years” Kotchman.)

Edwin Encarnacion – Supposedly he’s only owned in 50% of ESPN leagues. So if I can infer something from that, 50% of ESPN’ers draft their team then abandon them. Another reason why you shouldn’t join a random ESPN league. Maybe ESPN shouldn’t be broadcasting these things. Then again they have given Chris Berman a platform for 30 years, so they’ve obviously made some missteps.

Manny Corpas – Looks like Fuentes will be closing a game by this time next week. I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of Corpas, but he needs to get away from the closer job for a little bit, maybe spend some time with his family, volunteer at the local nursing home and remember why he started playing this game in the first place, or whatever closers do when they lose their job. He’s a righty and will be in the mix again soon. Remember before you drop him, there’s still over five months left of the season.

Alberto Callaspo – Ye of a .348 average in 23 at-bats was about to get the start because of Grudzielanek’s back soreness, but the game was rained out. Maybe Callaspo can get someone to Tony Harding Grud’s knee.

Carlos Quentin – Hit another home run. Sure, it was off a tired Moose, but whatever, that shizz counts too.

Josh Hamilton – Has 21 RBIs. I’m admittedly a fan, but before we start giving each other reach arounds, we have to remember he’s a bit of health risk.

Daniel Cabrera – Pitched a solid game. Most impressive thing, zero walks. Then again, he was facing the Mariners.

Krispie Young – 0-for-5 with four Ks. You have to expect this if you have him on a team.

Troy Glaus – He’s looked surprisingly okay. Still wouldn’t touch him. (BTW, LaRussa has now pinch hit Wainwright in two straight games. Looks like someone’s hitting the hooch again. Take away his keys, Duncan.)