Fantasy Baseball Advice

Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay.  The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs.  Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles.  Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down.  I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  What, horsemeat?  Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby!  24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.

Austin Jackson – While he mends his strained abdominal — he’s the Abdominal Strainman! — Quintin Berry should see some time in Jackson’s stead.  Yesterday, he went 1-for-3.  Too bad Quintin Berry doesn’t play for the Royals.  Or that his name isn’t Dan with the middle name Quintin.  You’re still alive in our hearts, Quiz!  I’m gonna eat a submarine sandwich for you.  Berry likes to run.  In fact, I’ll call him, HeRun.  In Triple-A, he had 19 steals in 39 games.  In AL-Only leagues, HeRun isn’t much more than a flyer for speed.  The darker the Berry, the sweeter the SAGNOF!  In mixed leagues, you can do better.  Look at me showing confidence in you.  I’m like your Dad on opposite day.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Justin Masterson (7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.)  It was a game that was all about Justin your instincts.  Sorry, my pun muscle is a little Justy.  Must be because I’ve been fencing at my gym rather than joustin’.  For Masterson, it’s all about adJustin’.  Or re-adJustin, if you dropped him.  His luck shows a guy that was dealing with a bit of injustice.  Is he the meow’s cat?  Nah, that’s unJustinfied.  He could be a back end starter on deeper mixed leagues without an unJustinly amount of Ks.  Not remotely Verlander though, he’s the master, son.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitting leadoff seems to be working for Choo as he hit his 3rd HR of the year off Verlander.  He’ll probably find a way to go 20/20 out of sheer habit like Bobby Abreu used to.  In a lot of superficial ways (decent stats, kind of boring), these two seem really similar.  Maybe we’ll start calling Shin-Soo-Kabrechu.

John Danks – To the DL with left shoulder soreness.  That might explain why he’s been terrible.  In fact, maybe it’s been lingering since 2010.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  If an impatient owner (like me) stupidly (still me) dropped him (that’s what I did), I’d grab him.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th homer.  If you’re gonna own him, it looks like there’s going to be 0-for-24 slumps scattered amongst his homers.

Brian McCann – Out for the third straight day.  Sounds like he caught something.

Michael Bourn – 1-for-4 as he homered again yesterday for his third in the series.  This gives me an idea.  How about all players that weigh 170 pounds and under can use an aluminum bat?  Then before each AB, players can weigh-in like a wrestling match.  “Too many sunflowers seeds, Bourjos, grab some wood!”  “Prince Fielder’s out for two weeks for Lap-Band surgery, but when he returns watch out!” and finally “Juan Pierre homers!”

Randall Delgado – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Looked a lot better than his line indicates, but even if your league has an “Appearances” category, I’m not sure this is what they have in mind.

Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and 5th homer as he played third base for Chipper, who the Reds honored during their pregame show because it was the last time he’d be playing in Cincy.  Classy move as they gave Chipper an artificial hip.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There should be a Vegas bet where you bet whether Bailey will go 6 innings and give up 2 earned or if he’ll go less than 4 innings and give up four plus runs.  Those seem like the only lines he ever gives.

Logan Ondrusek – Got his second save last night because Aroldis had worked the night before.  I wouldn’t own the whole Reds’ bullpen, but this could be a semi-frequent occurrence.  Dusty hates fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).

Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 with a grand slam.  Thursdays are a fun day for 2 catcher leagues, huh?

Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  The best of the Flying Molina Brothers came out yesterday — Alfred Molina, “Excuse me, I could catch AND do improvisation theater.”  Yadier had been like half a mummy since his oven-roasted April, but this could be a sign he’s turning it on again, facing Blanton certainly didn’t hurt.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs.  Another guy that took a fortnight siesta, but his bat woke up on Wednesday and now has two homers in the last two games.

Ty Wiggington – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  He’s here now.  Wiggy rarely hits just one and done, and he’s probably out there in a ton of leagues, so if you need a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), go for it.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, now hitting .366.  Elsewhere, Konerko homered and went 2-for-4 to raise his average to .384, David Wright homered and raised his average to .405, and Tony Gwynn just hit 415 on the scale.

Austin Kearns – His hamstring injury could mean Gaby Sanchez’s return from Triple-A on the first day he’s eligible, which also happens to be the day the Marlins are giving away Gaby t-shirts to the first 15,000 fans.  That’s like breaking up with your girlfriend on February 13th and getting back together on February 15th.  Anthony Rizzo may want to consider having 15,000 Rizzo t-shirts given away on June 1st.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Such a frustrating start.  Pagan drove in three runs on broken bat hits, a botched rundown that could’ve wiped out one run, a passed ball that was ruled a wild pitch was another run, a blooper by Belt for another run… Basically, Anibal gave up one well hit ball.

Emilio Bonifacio – Who has one good thumb and likes to steal bases?  This Bonifacio!  Looks like Emilio won’t be throwing any air punches for the next four to six weeks.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals, batting .340.  Bonifacio who?!  Emilio.  I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s an expression.  ‘Bonifacio who’ is an expression?  Forget it.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a steal.  If there’s anyone out there who believes Melky is a .362 hitter, I’d sell him Melky and anything else you got lying around the house that you might not want.

Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he homered yesterday.  Hey, does he weigh under 170 pounds?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 2 homers and third in three games.  Justin the nick of time!… Okay, I’m done.  Morneau should be owned, shoot, he’s doing better than Ryan Zimmerman. (<–saying nothing!)

Ike Davis – Mets told Ike he definitely won’t be going to the minors.  They had one of their doctors tell him though, since they’re never accurate.  Yesterday, he sat for Veal Rottino.  At least that’s what I think the V. stood for in the box score.

Jeremy Hefner – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  No grotto for you tonight!

Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  What’s this week’s Creeper not doing?  You should thank FtA for the tip of the week.

Eric Stults – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Everth Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs and EverCab got the Heartspark Stealsign.  Honestly, I think this is more hits than he had combined over his entire career.

Yoenis Cespedes – Changing his bat grip so he can return from the DL.  He used to nestle the knob, which might’ve caused the muscle strain.  I’d say!  Nestling knobs in the palm of your hand?  That’s the kind of thing you want to keep on the DL, Yoenis.  In related news, Brian Dozier is upset Thome is no longer in Minnesota as his dream growing up was to play with his Jimmy and the Twins.

Hey, I can bench Eric Hosmer!  That was the first thing I thought when I picked up Matt Adams.   First stop for Hosmer is my bench, next stop waivers.  Yesterday, our prospect writer Scott said this about Adams, “Despite the impressive audition (in Spring Training), St. Louis sent him to Triple-A Memphis where he’s hit .338/.373/.597 with 9 HR through his first 150 plate appearances… With an advanced approach, solid on base skills, and plus power, Adams has a chance to do damage in the bigs right away.  He’s worth an add in most formats.  There’s really not much else to say, except Grey is handsome.”  I obviously wouldn’t have copied and pasted all of that if I didn’t agree.  In a 12 team mixed league, I found room for him (then again my offense could use anything at this point — I have Brian Dozier!) by losing Anthony Rizzo.  I do think Rizzo will be up soon and is worth owning, but I could only speculate on one “young 1st baseman that will fix my other young 1st baseman problem (Hosmer!).”  With Berkman possibly out a while (as of this writing, his timetable wasn’t clear, but it didn’t look good and he was talking of retirement), Adams just needs to hit to get everyday playing time (please, deity of my choice, let him hit).  At first, I could see him platooning a bit with Carpenter so don’t overreact on who you drop when you pick up Adams, but if you’re hurting at 1st base, get smart and don Adams.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – Hey, he’s now the closer!  Mazel tov!  I remember when he was just a new Cuban raftee and, now, he’s a man.  A real fine chap, man.  He has yet to allow an earned run in 22 1/3 innings to go with 39 Ks.  Man, that is beautiful.  Shoot, I have to change my shorts.  And…I’m back!  You miss me?

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Just when it looked like Heisey finally bought himself a longer leash, Ludwick comes along to confuse Dusty.  (Yes, they both played yesterday, but that was only because there was a DH.)

Paul Konerko – After taking one off his face on Friday, the White Sox said they should be able to punim back in on Tuesday.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  No kidding, who would you prefer:  Peavy or Lincecum?  Is it close?

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  If it’s not the Rip Van Winkle of sleepers.  If you’re desperate for infield help, I could see grabbing him for your middle infidel spot.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Like one of those weekly Bieber’s been trampled by 1400 screaming Asian girls rumors, the reports of Dunn’s death were also premature.  Rob Thomas would say he’s come un-Dunn.  Fantasy Baseball Blurb Police, “Bieber and Rob Thomas in the same blurb?  C’mon, man, don’t make me ticket you.”

Ike Davis – Terry Collins (who?) said that Davis could be headed to the minors.  All kidding aside, have the Mets doctors checked him again for Valley Fever?  Actually, has anyone but the Mets doctors checked him for Valley Fever?

Kevin Youkilis – Phillies and Indians are “monitoring” Youuuuuuuk.  I found this funny for some reason.  Next time I’m caught sitting outside an ex-girlfriend’s house, I’m going to say I was just “monitoring” her.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see Youuuuuuk moved.  Red Sox don’t want to send Middlebrooks down and Youuuuuuk’s so welcome in the Red Sox clubhouse that Bobby Valentine commissioned Billy Ocean to remix his own song to, “Get Outta My Team, Get Into My Veggie Wrap With Swiss Chard.”

Josh Beckett – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Cliff Lee, who went 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, as the two last place teams battled.  The Comatose Red Sox and Phillies fans, that conked out the day before the season started, blink their eyes open, “Don’t you mean first place?”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and 7th on the season.  Why do I wish he had 1st base eligibility and I drafted him instead of Hosmer?

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with his third homer in as many games.  Thomas Peefuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and 2 homers.  Actually, I wouldn’t mind dropping my whole RCL offense and having only catchers.

Corey Hart – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer as the Brewers exploded for 16 runs.  Elias Sports Bureau said Corey Hart was rated by People Magazine as The Ugliest Man Alive.  Actually, Elias didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Stamford compound of Elias Sports Bureau.  “In Accounting, Jeff and Dave have casually joked about switching wives twenty-seven times in the last two weeks for a new office record.  Also, Jeff recorded it a record 17 times to be used for blackmail purposes later.”

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  In related news, American League pitchers are fully supportive of the Astros’ 2013 league switch.

Vance Worley – Has a bone chip in his elbow.  He says he’s going to “man up” and pitch through the pain.  Who’s he Bruce Willis cutting a bullet out of his arm and bandaging it up with a shirt he rips with his teeth?  Ridiculous to think Worley’s going to be anywhere near as effective and not just end up back on the DL.

Anthony Rizzo – That billboard counting down is not how many hours until the America’s Got Talent premiere, that’s until The Scer arrives.  The Cubs confirmed yesterday what I was saying on Friday.  Rizzo’s arrival, or arrizzal, is imminent.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. There’s the eggs Woody Allen was talking about that we need.  Hopefully, if you dealt with the bad half of the schizo-Scherzer, you also got this good half.

Rod Barajas – B*****s ain’t shizz usually, but, for those in deep leagues, B*****s has 2 homers in his last three games.

Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, and .154 over the last week, but whatever.  I just want to rant about how stupid it is that Ozzie is splitting up Hanley and Stanton with Dobbs.  I get the whole righty/lefty thing, but is that really going to change how opposing managers think when they see Greg Dobbs?  It’s not like they’re saying to themselves, “I’d go to my righty here but Dobbs, who’s hitting .253 against righties over the last three years, will kill me.”  Move Giancarlo into the cleanup spot, I need RBIs!

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson sprayed the team with what everyone is hoping was champagne.

Emilio Bonifacio – Ended up on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb.  When asked how it was feeling, Bonifacio stayed true to his name and tried to put on a good face.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.15.  He said he’d have an ERA under 2 if it wasn’t for Indians fans.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, now batting .355.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & two legs.  Trout homered and stole a base off Bass, something the media is calling “Fish on Fish” crime.

Vernon Wells – Headed to the DL with a thumb injury.  He’ll have some free time now to reply to all his fan mail that is meant for the actor from Weird Science, Vernon Wells.

Alexi Amarista – 1-for-6, with a steal.  He was the piece the Padres got from the Angels for Frieri.  Here’s what Bud Black said Scioscia told him, “The first thing (Scioscia) said was this guy can play six positions, he can feel comfortable with them anywhere, he swings the bat and he has some speed, so that versatility plays much better in the National League.”  Right, nothing at all like Maicer Izturis.  With the Padres now having (n)O-Dog, Amarista has been playing 2nd base.  In the minors, he hit for a decent average with speed.  In the majors, I could see him having a .270 average with 25 steals.  Definitely NL-Only grab.  I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I told you last week to grab him for his road trip and now he heads back to Safeco, so where there’s Smoak, there’s other options off the waiver wire.

Mike Carp – Has homers in back-to-back games.  Carpe Carp!

Wei-Yin Chen – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was pitchslapped by Strasburg.  I’ve seen Tony Pena pitch better than Chen.  And Tony was pitching in a Home Run Derby.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Going on about ten days of hot schmotatoness.

Jesus Flores – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  If you lost Wilson Ramos, Flores could basically do the same thing.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, but left the start with bicep tightness.  He said he should be fine for his next start.  He’s going to apply some Hot Stuff and then not touch his groin for the next five days.

Mark Ellis – Will be out for at least 6 weeks as the doctor performed an emergency procedure on him to relieve pressure in his leg.  The Dodgers will turn to Justin “The Inspector” Sellers and Elian “I Wouldn’t Mind Checking Out Miami Again” Herrera.  Elian and Sellers aren’t much to look at outside of deep NL-Only leagues, especially if they’re sharing time.  Since Ellis will be out, the Dodgers may now ask Flavor Flav to no longer stand above Dee Gordon’s head with his giant ticking clock.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4, but I’m giving two of them to the now batting in the seven hole, Hosmer.

Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Miley.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Brandon McCarthy – Went to the DL, but the A’s found no damage to his scapula.  Sounds like there should be a chicken in there, i.e., Chicken Scapula.  BTW, when you’re in a fancy restaurant and the waiter rolls up the cart carrying your entrees, make sure you say, “They weren’t joking when they said it was all a la carte.”  It’ll make you look classy.

Hey, I’m Higgins and I’m going to be posting updates about our Fantasy Razzball leagues.  If you are not familiar with Fantasy Razzball, it is a league format where us truly masochistic fantasy baseballers try to build the worst fantasy baseball team possible. Full rules can be found here.

Now that we are over a month into the season it is time to not only look at the master standings and applaud those that have successfully been terrible, but also put on our 20/20 Hindsight Glasses and mock the bad performances in the land of bad performances.  Six leagues of ten were formed and thus far the king of the anti-champions is Pyramid Lake Cui-ui, coming out of Division 3 with 1,550 points.  Fueling his super futility is his drafting of three of the top six positions players on the player rater: Emilio Bonifacio (151 points, 1st round), Clint Barmes (148, 3rd), and Marlon Byrd (139, 15th). No slouch at being terrible on the mound either, he has milked five losses out of Ervin Santana after picking him up as a free agent and watching him become the #1 pitcher on the board with 119 points. Congratulations on your early lead and skills at assembling a terrible team, Pyramid Lake Cui-ui! If we find out you are Dayton Moore in disguise, you will be disqualified for cheating.

Looking back at draft day we can recognize some early breakthroughs and busts (other than Billy Butler’s). In 2011 Adam Dunn put up an incredible league-best 608 points, and as a result he was taken in the first round of every draft this year. Those hoping for a repeat from Big Donkey, complete with the all-important first base eligibility, have been pummeled with a net total of -1 points so far. Whoops!

Meanwhile Austin Jackson‘s 181 strikeouts and only 10 home runs in 2011 made him #3 on the board with 503 points and a favorite for 2012 Fantasy Razzball MVP as he went first overall in 4 out of the 6 drafts (and second overall in Razzball 5, where team My Sports Rumors either missed the draft or didn’t get the league memo as he took Miguel Cabrera first overall). What has Ajax rewarded those early drafters with here in 2012? Just 14 points in 118 at-bats as he hits .322 and is “only” striking out 19% of the time.  Man, he’s gotta get better at being worse!  Confused?  Me too!

And the breakthrough performances through the first month and change? Danny Espinosa leads all players with 165 points as he hits .191 and strikes out 30% of the time, but he was a top 20 player in 2011 and was drafted as early as the 2nd round. The real surprise player in the rankings is Albert Pujols, who was a top-five player until last week and comes in with 119 points in 126 at-bats. Undrafted by anyone not pulling a La Russa and falling asleep at the wheel to autodraft their team, El Hombre is racking up razz points like it’s 1909. He has been picked up by only those with the biggest cojones, as he could quickly go from 2011 Adam Dunn to 2012 Adam Dunn who I guess could go back to 2011 Adam Dunn but is being owned like he’s 2012 Adam Dunn, or unowned or…  Yeah, I’m not sure, but there you have it!

Until next time, keep an eye out for those AAA call-ups and injury replacements and anyone getting playing time with the Minnesota Twins

As a real baseball fan and fantasy baseball junkie, I like to keep a close watch on certain players (too close, according to some states’ penal codes). Some time back, while Grey and I were surreptitiously collecting Ryan Braun’s sweat during a bikram yoga session, I mentioned that I keep many of my thoughts on these players in a diary. Grey said he keeps a journal instead. We argued over whether there is a difference between the two (which apparently disrupted Chris Capuano’s fragile Tantra) and we just decided to compare them side-by-side. I lied and told Grey his was interesting (I’ve read Michener novels that droned less), but Grey was enraptured by my musings, and asked that I share them with Razzball Nation.

So here’s how this will work. I’ve got twelve players I’m currently following (I’m only physically following a few of them, the rest I’m following via the media). This week you get the first three, next week you’ll get the next three, and so on. Then each month we’ll circle back and hit the same groups of three, see what they’ve been up to. First up is Yoenis Cespedes, Bryce Harper, and Michael Bourn.

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12/07/2011 – Yoenis Cespedes has defected from Cuba and will be coming stateside to play ball this season. Not sure how to pronounce his name, but I’ve heard hispanic broadcasters say it like “Dennis,” which is the name of Castro’s brother, coincidentally. Random thought — Fidel Castro, like any world leader, has at least one or two qualities you could respect, but it’s not like you’d ever say so publicly.

03/03/2012 – “Yoenis” already had the “E,” “I,” “O,” and “sometimes Y”… now he’s got the “A;“ he signed with Oakland today for a crap ton of money. The Coliseum is not a great hitter’s park, but from what I’ve read, his plus power shouldn’t be affected too much, and his plus speed won’t be affected at all. He has a decent arm for CF and… hey, how’d this real baseball factoid get mixed in with my fantasy baseball thoughts?

03/24/2012 – Drafted today, and although I had ten auction dollars earmarked for Cespedes, I was able to get him for just $1 towards the end of the draft! That means I can keep him for $4 next year and just $8 the year after that! I’m going to call him The Phantom Yoenis because of how he manages to stay under the radar despite being so powerful.

04/8/2012 – I don’t have the MLB Tokyo package, so I didn’t get to watch Fauxpening Day. Actually, I didn’t see any of the As vs. Ms series (at home or abroad), but The Phantom Yoenis hit a HR in three of the four games! My only regret is that the nickname I gave him has only one “i” for me to dot with a heart.

04/16/2012 – I just mailed my daughter’s Hello Kitty backpack to Yoenis, along with a note telling him it’s okay to go play in Japan full time. I’d rather he was productive with someone else than have a 50% K-rate and hit .150 with me.

04/22/2012 – The package was returned and marked “¡Déjame en paz!” Whatever… since my freak out way back on the 16th, he hit another HR, stole three more bases (for a total of four), raised his season AVG to .255, and reduced his K-rate to 35%. Those things should all continue as he sees more MLB pitching. I should be safe from another freak out until at least May.

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08/26/2010 – That kid Bryce Harper signed with the Nats today, and everyone is treating it like the second coming. I guess Stephen St. Rasburg was the first coming, since Jesus Christ was a terrible fielder in college (it was like he had holes in his hands) and never made it to the bigs. Anyway, I don’t think we’ll see him until the middle of the ’12 season.

03/18/2012 – Harper was optioned to AAA Syracuse today… shocker, I’m so surprised, yawn. Even Harper knew he wasn’t going to break camp, and no one thinks more highly of Bryce Harper than Bryce Harper.

03/25/2012 – No one took Harper in my draft yesterday, so I’ll grab him off waivers and stash him as a keeper. These casual mentions about my personal fantasy league would seem odd if this diary were ever published. Random thought — I remember mentioning Jesus Christ while musing about Harper a long time ago, and now I hear that he’s a quarterback for the New York Jets. That JC, always opting to pass rather than receive.

04/17/2012 – Big Baby Jesus (I know that was Grey’s nickname for Stephen Strasburg, but it’s an infinitely better fit for Harper, and St. Rasburg has a new and improved nickname anyway… wow this is a long parenthetical) is batting .245 and hasn’t gone long yet this season. Time to push the panic button… or not. I was adjusting to my new job at NAPA Auto Parts when I was 19, maybe BBJ is adjusting to almost-pro pitching. Just a theory.

04/22/2012 – It’s not water into wine, but BBJ turned pitch into HR today. I don’t plan on writing about it every time this happens, because I have a feeling it will be quite often, starting… now.

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02/20/2012 – I’ve been working on my draft spreadsheet, and the ‘pert rankings of Michael Bourn have me somewhat befuddled. Is there going to be a shortage of SBs this year? He’s ranked 50th at Yahoo! and 35th at ESPN (not sure what his ranking is at ESPN Deportes, but I’m sure it’s equally loco grande).

02/27/2012 – Rudy’s Point Shares came out today and have Bourn ranked 72nd. I’m comfortable putting him somewhere between there and Grey’s rank of 125th, which means there isn’t a chance of me owning him. I’m comfortable with that, as well.

04/10/2012 – Five games into the season, let’s see how Bourn is doing. Hm… batting .158 with a .238 OBP and 2 runs. Yeah, but what about the steals? Oh, 1 SB and 1 caught stealing. Not quite living up to that 36.9 ADP just yet, but it’s early.

04/22/2012 – I caught Bourn reading my diary. Okay, well, I would have caught him if he wasn’t so damn fast, but he’s obviously been reading it, and he cares what I think for some reason. He’s now batting .338 on the season with a .403 OBP, 12 runs, and 7 SBs. It’s worth noting that two players have more SBs than him — Dee Gordon with 8 (ADP 124.9) and Emilio Bonifacio with 9 (ADP 164.8) — but no one has more caught stealing than him (3). Emilio is also pretty close on runs (10), AVG (.298), fills a shallower position, and could have been had a dozen rounds later.

Now that Lance Berkman is on the DL, I’m going to read from your rankings.  Random Italicized Voice, I’m not here to talk about the past.  Is it true or is it not true that after Mr. Bungling Berkman in 2011, you said to avoid him this year?  I’m not here to talk about the– Oh, yeah, that is true.  See, I wasn’t setting you up to fail *cough* Vernon Wells is a sleeper *cough*  Thanks.  Now, instead of the past, let’s look into the future, specifically Matt Carpenter.  Right now, he’s filling in for Berkman and he’s hitting .321 with a donk and 11 ribbies — hey, give one to Eve! (The rapper.  She likes barbeque.)  In Triple-A, Carpenter hit 12 homers and .302, while his eye makes his OBP’ing gaudy by nature.  I’m not gonna say he’s the wickedest man alive because, well, interjection, he’s not.  In 500 ABs, he’d be lucky to hit 10 homers and contribute a handful of steals.  He can hit for a solid average and get on base.  In deep leagues, if you’re in a bind, man, pick up Carpenter and saw.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks; his ERA is now at 9.88.  Where’s everyone that was crazy excited for drafting him in the preseason?  Probably too soon to tell me in the comments what an idiot I am for ignoring him in my rankings, huh?  Also, too soon to say he’s going to win the Cy Young?  C’mon, it wasn’t too soon last month when you were saying it.  What’s the matter?  I hear the Wainwright for Cy Young in 2012 bandwagon is now giving two for one rides because of the empty seats.

Jon Jay – The Federalist sprained his shoulder when he tried to run through fence like he was a stunt double from Naked Gun.  His run-in with the fence has landed his arm in a sling.  It’s swing for the fences, Jon Jay.  Swing!  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Last year, he had a 3.23 ERA in April and a 1.80 ERA in September.  In like a lion and out like a lion.  Way to turn an idiom on its head, which I guess would be !p!ow.  The interesting thing right now is his 18 Ks in 19 IP.  I wouldn’t go to him outside of certain matchups, but he’s moving onto radars.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, 1 run and his 5th homer.  Make it rain!

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Usually a 2nd half starter that I can’t find the energy to pick up, but has a 2.91 ERA so far making him someone I still can’t build enthusiasm to own.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Old school great sign:  He looks like he’s playing hurt so it’s good he was able to still swing the bat with authority.  New school great sign:  Yesterday, was the last day of Aries, which is a ram, and Phillips homered in St. Louis where the Rams play.  Booya!

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his first homer.  Maybe Stubbs was tending to his BBQ empire for the last two weeks, but it’s nice to have him back.

Todd Frazier – 0-for-4, as he got the start over Rolen (was just a day off, but Rolen’s a sneeze away from getting confused with Glass Chipper).  Frazier should be watched for now in NL-Only leagues, but if he can get playing time he could be a 15/15-type guy with a terrible average.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first homer.  Hey, look what the cat, who is prone to drag in players who I’m beginning to think are overrated, dragged in.

Jeff Samardzija – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks.  Last week I said of Samardzija, “With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.”  And this start was the poopsie.

Emilio Bonifacio – 1-for-4 with his 8th and 9th steals.  I will now call him Emilio Estealthes.

Curtis Granderson – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 homers in the first four innings as he made me look like a schmohawk.  He was 5 for his last 23 before tonight and he hit the three homers against two weak righties, and wasn’t looking good against a tough lefty in the ninth (Perkins) when hit a dribbler for an infield single.  Huge night, for sure.  Can’t take anything away from that (even as I try to), but I’ll stand by my prediction that he disappoints this year.

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the ticker shock.  More on Hughes in Doumit’s blurb.

Ryan Doumit – Hey, Hughes blurb readers, what’s up?  Chillin?  Doumit went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his first homer.  He was pretty fooled by the pitch that he hit for a homer off Hughes.  I like Doumit to Ron Popeil, but he’s not that incredible.  I think this calls into question starting Hughes.  His home park is a launching pad and his stuff lets Doumit homer even when he’s out in front of it.

Brandon Allen – The Rays claimed Allen off of waivers to backup Carlos Pena, which makes no sense since they’re lefties.  Guess he could spell the other lefty Luke Scott occasionally at DH, or in Luke’s case gospel.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I’m was gonna say it’s nice he’s coming alive, but his OBP is .431 and is hitting .327.  So, uh, just hit some more homers.  Thank you.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and feasted on a slam & legs while us commoners hoped Denard Span would steal a base on a short schedule day.  Jennings, “Take your diseased Span away from my fantasy outfield, and next time I steal I want to take the buggy!”

Tommy Milone – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I saw nothing yesterday to make me think he can’t be a solid ratio helper.  Also, something about his name makes me wish he was from Bayonne and hung out with Joey Fatone.

Freddie Freeman - Hit two homers yesterday.  Eh, even a broken clock is right twice a day, which is still more times than Matthew Berry.

Mike Minor – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I was saying this in the comments yesterday, but I feel no love for Minor this year.  I think if more people watched him, they’d understand how filthy he is.

Ryan Howard – Earlier this week, he went to see a specialist who told him there wasn’t enough progress in his healing to be cleared for baseball activities.  Now, today, he’s going to see the same specialist to see if he’s ready to go.  Only today he’s going in a Big Momma’s House Halloween costume.

Yu Darvish – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks.  I didn’t watch this game (because the color of Yu’s hair makes me think something wrong with my TV tube and that gets annoying), but two hits in six innings is solid.  Obviously 5 walks is a bit of a concern, and 13 BBs in 17 2/3 innings is terrible.  Will someone wake me when this insanely hyped pitcher shows up?

Henderson Alvarez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Just think, after this start he’ll have a solid FIP.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, his 7th homer and Matt becomes the number one baby boy name in LA surpassing Edhardy.