Diamondbacks said J.J. Putz needs elbow surgery. Imagine the doctor misreads Putz’s chart and J.J. walks out with a new putz that is an arm, elbow to hand. Would that have him get to third base and home all with one swing of the bat? It would help him avoid that awkwardness when you try to hug and undo a girl’s pants. He could also towel himself down while opening a door. Actually, this sounds like a plus-plus, or rather, a putz-putz! I’m reinventing the knuckle shuffle! The Diamondbacks also officially announced yesterday what I announced the day before, Heath Bell would be the closer. Ya know this means he’s going to crap your face and call it Google Glass, right? You know this, right? I do, and I still grabbed him. I’d also grab David Hernandez in case the only thing Bell rings in are blown saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“That guy looks vaguely familiar.” ”Which guy?” ”That guy on the mound.” ”The Chris Tillman fella?” ”Yeah.” ”Did he used to serve us coffee at the Blue Danube?” ”I don’t think so. That guy’s name was Ronnie. And he had dreads.” ”But he was white.” ”Yeah, Ronnie was a white guy with dreads.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy. His FIP really isn’t bad. He just always seems to have one bad inning. His numbers with men in scoring position: .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on. But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum. I’m not sticking my neck out for him! He smokes marijuana! Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about! How’s dem apples? Mildly delicious! You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right? Forget him! We’re through talking about him. We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls. “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?” “Never, Billy.” That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard. It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses. American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it. But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough? Forget Lincecum! We’re not talking about him. We are talking about Roy Oswalt. Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone. I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter. But what about Lincecum?! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old. I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T. While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks. What? Terrible?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brandon Phillips isn’t the shiniest tool in the toolbox, but he hit two homers off Beachy yesterday. He’s gone from a 30/30 2nd baseman to a 20/20 2nd baseman to now an 18/15 2nd baseman, but that doesn’t mean you’re completely screwed if you overpaid for him on draft day. As long as Dusty hits him between Votto and Bruce, good ol’ Brandon should deliver above average R/RBI at a solid average. He might not be as sexy as an Altuve or a Jemile, but he’ll probably be a better value the rest of the way. BTW, even if you didn’t own him last night, the best thing about BP wrecking another Beachy was we didn’t have to sit through a celebrity telethon and Sean Penn’s sourpuss. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day. Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up! I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You! Say hello to your mother for me.” First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy? Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s. Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago? He is absolutely raking in Triple-A: .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games. LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th. You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon. In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.” You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter. Okay, maybe that doesn’t work. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route. I’d consider going down Thayer. Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear. Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.Please, blog, may I have some more?
David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain. 2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort. This year is The Closepocalypse. If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Royals physician diagnosed Danny Duffy with a torn UCL, which would mean Tommy John surgery. In related news, Dr. James Andrews is filing a trademark lawsuit, saying he’s the only doctor that can shut down pitchers for longer than 60 days. In sorta related news, Francisco Liriano is still waiting to come back. In unrelated news, when Dr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I was sipping from my high-priced stemware that also happens to feature Star Wars characters, I got to thinking about how lucky I was to grab Eric Hosmer in one league. I patted myself on the back and took a dive onto my water bed. As the posturepedic waves crashed over me, I slept. A few hours later, I woke in a panic. Water was dripping from my forehead. Was there a leak in my bed? No. I was sweating, worried I fell for the hype machine like when I bought 10 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards for the incredibly low price of $9. (On a baseball card side note, I was one of those schmohawks thinking baseball cards are only going to appreciate in value. They are going to be so rare! Ooh, a Mark McGwire 1987 card! Better hold on to that one! Wally Joyner has some pop! Stock up! Randy Velarde is the next Bucky Dent! Put that one in a sleeve! Now you can buy 200 cards for a nickel. Alas…) Is Hosmer going to be great with a side order of splendiferous? Probably, friend, assuming splendiferous is a word. But he’s a rookie. A 2007 Ryan Braun rookie season is crazy rare. Most rookie seasons are pretty just a’ight. Some solid streaks, some funky streaks where it looks like they’re playing in a burlap sack. In ESPN, Hosmer went from 1% to over 90% owned in a week. Since 40% of ESPN leagues are filled with abandoned owners, that tells me 130% of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term) are excited about Hosmer. That’s your chance to sell high, you savvy fantasy owner you. Obviously, in keepers, you hold tight. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Justin Turner – I’d have no interest in him if he didn’t have 2nd base eligibility. How’s that for a hard sell? Or is it a hard Buy? Or maybe it’s a soft Buy…
Elliot Johnson – He sounds like a Vice President candidate from the early 1900s. Elliot Johnson is a firm believer in woman suffrage. Hopefully Nucky backs him. It feels like the middle of the Rays infield is a black hole for upside. Hey, is that Reid Brignac floating past the Russian space station? Way to reach your potential! Johnson has decent speed (~25 speed potential over a full season) and some light power.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last year, the only type of starts and luck that Charlie Morton had was bad. Despite good stuff and pedestrian ratios (6.7 K/9, 2.9 BB/9), he put up some of the worst stats in recent history. A 7.57 ERA in 79 innings during the year of the pitcher! It was a 54 ERA+ (adjusted for park and era) which stands as the 5th worst ERA+ since 1945 for pitchers with 79+ IP. It’s hard to say how much of his .353 BABIP was because he threw down the middle or back luck but let’s just say the latter. It seemed like luck was balancing out in his first three starts this year as he went 2-0 despite throwing 6 Ks and 12 BBs in 22 innings. But excluding an ugly win in Colorado (where just about every non-ace should be benched), his last three starts – including last nights 5-hit shutout – have shown significant progress. In those 18 2/3 IP, he’s K’d 17 and walked 7. So let your league mates focus on his ghastly K:BB for the season while you get him on the cheap. I’d still bench him during bad match-ups but he looks primed to be a solid 5th/6th SP in shallow leagues.Please, blog, may I have some more?