Fantasy Baseball Advice

The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Daniel Bard)
3. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
4. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, David Robertson)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
6. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
7. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
8. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
9. Chris Perez (+1) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
10. Huston Street (+1) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
12. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Nick Masset)
13. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
15. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Jose Veras, Evan Meek)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Ryan Madson (+10) (Jose Contreras, Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lidge)
19. Sergio Santos (+9) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Neftali Feliz (+10) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)
21. Jordan Walden (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Scott Downs)
22. Fernando Salas (+4) (Eduardo Sanchez, Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin)
23. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
24. Mark Melancon (-4) (Wilton Lopez, Brandon Lyon)
25. Kevin Gregg (-3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (-3) (Jamey Wright, David Aardsma)
27. Matt Capps (-3) (Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Joe Nathan)
28. Frank Francisco/Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel (-3) (Jason Frasor)
29. Matt Guerrier/Javy Guerra/Rubby de la Rosa (-2) (Jonathan Broxton, Hong-Chih Kuo)
30. Aaron Crow (-25) (Joakim Soria, The Winner of a Radio Call-In Contest)

With 4 homers for Kelly Johnson, there’s still the Kelly Ka-POW, see?  With the 6 steals, he’s still running.  If you extrapolate those numbers out, it’s a 20/20 season.  If extrapolate is the right word.  From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Johnson?  Last yeario, Phife Dawg.  That’s not happening this year though.  This is what currently is happening.  His balls batted into play are showing he’s been unlucky, so he’s pressing and his Ks have gone up and walks have gone down.  If a couple balls fall in front of fielders and Johnson gets on base, his confidence will rise and he’ll start being more selective at the plate.  His average will then rise and he’ll continue to hit for power and steal bases.  His average isn’t likely going to get up to .280, but a 18/15 year with a .250 average is still very possible.  That’s better than the current perception of him.  If he’s been dropped, I’d look to grab him. If he’s on an impatient owner’s team, I’d offer up a deal.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Julio Borbon – Was moved to the top of the order in Texas.  You know why?  Cause Ron Washington is mixing things up!  “How much powdered sugar are you putting on your donuts?”  “That’s not powdered sugar…I’m mixing things up!”  That’s Ron in other aspects of his life.

Domonic Brown – He was in last week’s Buy column, he’ll be in next week’s and every week until he’s called up.  That is my promise to you, now buy American!

Roger Bernadina – He’s been doing a whole lot of bupkis since he got called up, but for his upside I’m giving him another week.  Now get hot you schmohawk!

Mark Trumbo – Maybe the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County shouldn’t have took Trumbo’s doctor recommendation for Kendrys.  Never the hoo!  Pitch a tent in the middle of your fantasy lineup for Trumboner.

Anthony Rizzo – I’m Anthony Rizzo, jerky!  He has 10 homers in 31 games in Triple-A, so I don’t think Petco is going to kill his power completely.  For now, I’d just grab him in NL-Only leagues.

Danny Valencia – More of a very deep, short-term add because he doesn’t have enough power to really get the blood flowing.

Mark Melancon – He sounds like a comedian/ventriloquist who plays in an Indian casino.  Speaking of which, my friend recently went out with a puppeteer.  I told him to ask her if he can try and move her mouth by putting his hand up her–  Wait, this is a family show.  Um, Melancon, yeah, he should be getting saves for the time being.

Vicente Padilla – No, I can’t believe I keep recommending Padilla for pick up.  Yes, it is weird.  Yes, I am reading your mind’s eye for questions you have.  No, you shouldn’t have Chipotle for lunch.  You had that yesterday.

Eduardo Sanchez – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – In his 2nd start of the year vs. the Rangers, he gave up 8 runs in 3 1/3 IP.  He bounced back from that mugging like Bernie Goetz.  In all other games, his ERA 2.14.  Zoinks!

Travis Wood – Should be owned.  Don’t believe me today?  Go back and read what Yesterday Grey had to say.  Yesterday Grey, “Do your own work, man.”

James McDonald – There’s certain players that make it seem like I’m higher on them than I am because they’re never owned but should be, forcing me to talk about them a lot.  That doesn’t mean they should be owned over say Kuroda.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Hedge All Bets in Regards to Picking Up McDonald.

Chris Iannetta – Ever notice Italians seem to catch more than any other position?  Berra, Piazza, Torre, Girardi, Garagiola, Campanella (half), Lo Duca, Napoli, Iannetta, Sal Fasano…  My theory is because Italians like to be in charge and what better way to control the game than from the catching position.  Or maybe it’s because they all enjoy eating so they like it behind the plate.  As for Iannetta, he’s hitting so ride the green, white and red lightning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s not exactly lighting the world on fire…Shoot, he’s not even sparking a match over a stack of dry newspapers.  (For our 18 to 25-year-old demographic, newspapers were regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  Sizemore is still a solid upside MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).

SELL

Ryan Roberts – Hey, you guys had a good couple of weeks.  Friend him on Facebook so you guys can keep in touch and drop him.

Jason Bay – Other than Reyes and Wright, I’m not a huge fan of the Mets hitters (or pitchers for that matter).  I’ve been called names for expressing yawnstipation for Ike Davis.  Some of those names were accurate.  I am gooftarded from time to time.  Still, potatoes to chips, old Bay isn’t helping any fantasy teams reach its full flavor potential.

Jeff Francoeur – I wouldn’t drop Frenchy outright, but right now he’s sandwiched between A-Gon and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s as good as it baguettes for Frenchy.  You should see what you can get in a trade before his average drops out and he stops hitting Freedom Flies.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) is batting .336 and just came off a home run binge (binger!).  It’s nice, huh?  You should go to a Marlins game (if you can get seats — real hot ticket!), sit in the first row and blow kisses to Gaby.  He (she?) will like that.  He’s still around a 20 homer, .275 hitter.  I wouldn’t trade him for a You Can’t Do That On Television autographed cast photo, but I’d explore options.

Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback.  That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs.  I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say.  I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab.  Does he deserve another chance?  Sure, why not?  What, he kicked your puppy’s nads?  Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars.  You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces.  The rest is icing.  …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong.  If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing.  Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry?  Mmm…Deep fried butter.  Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks.

Hong-Chih Kuo – It’s so frustrating when you own a guy that should step into the closer role and he’s currently sucking.  Well, that’s interesting for you to read.  Moving on…

Eduardo Sanchez – I think Tony La Russa is building a case to get out of some kind of contractual obligation.  A’la, “Yes, my client, Tony La Russa agreed to endorse Sbarro, but as he’s shown from his managing of the Cards bullpen, he doesn’t know what he’s doing from minute to minute.”

Fernando Salas – I see your closer committee and I raise you a closer clusterf**k.

Mark Melancon – I just read about him somewhere.  Oh, I know.  Scroll down to this morning’s post.  It’ll help exercise your typee muscles.

Aneury Rodriguez – Because of Gallardo, Liriano and a host of other schmohawks, I’m actively looking at Aneury in more leagues than I’d like to admit.

Bud Norris – Don’t make me say something pithy, just pick him up already.

Brett Wallace – His face looks like he’s trying to gleek, but he is a current hot schmotato.

Matt LaPorta – Here’s a peek behind the curtain at Razzball HQ.  I start the Buy/Sell on Monday and as the week goes on I add and remove players.  LaPorta has been in three Buys on Monday and hasn’t made it to Friday staying hot.  Not a great sign, but he is kinda hot now so do what you do.

Ian Stewart – It took over a year, but I think the fantasy community has finally given up on Stewart.  So what better time for him to finally break out?!  Yeah, that’s wishful thinking.  If you lost one of the twenty-five 3rd basemen that are out injured or just suck (Pedro Alvarez, “I understand you are talking about me.  I apologize sincerely.  Now I wish to eat a piece of cake and strikeout.”), grab the one, the only Mini Mini Donkey.

Allen Craig – Out of curiosity, I went back and looked at what Pujols did his first month in the major leagues to see why La Russa ever even played him.  Sure enough, Pujols hit .370 with 8 homers in April of 2001.  Allen Craig, that is what you’re up against.  Good luck!

Scott Sizemore – On the other hand, if you were to suit up your dachshund in a Tigers uniform, Leyland would probably bat him in the top of the order.

Clint Barmes – I picked him up in one league for the short schedule day yesterday and think I might run him out there for a few while Beckham (or Bartlett or Alcides or Nishioka) gets his act together.

Ben Revere – SAGNOF!

Matt Joyce – Still on fire from his last appearance in a Buy/Sell.  But a word of warning, he’s nearing 50% owned in ESPN leagues, which means he’s about to bomb.

Angel Pagan – Not a huge fan, but he should get better and be owned in more leagues than he currently is.

Peter Bourjos – Sure taking a long time for people to pick this guy up.  Don’t make me send his cousin Per Djoos after you.

Jason Bourgeois – Could probably steal 800 bases this year if he played every day.  Okay, plus or minus 750.

Will Venable – More steals yadda³.  Apropos of nothing, Max Venable, Will’s pop-pop, had a 12-year major league career and he has about as much on his Wikipedia page as I do.  Someone fill out my man’s stub.

SELL

Alexi Ogando – Just went over how his xFIP is farting in his ERA’s general direction.  Hint:  It was yesterday’s afternoon post.

Placido Polanco – Probably will hit .400 just to spite me, but if you can trade him for a Brain Freeze or even a low-end Donkeycorn, I would, and I don’t usually trade for closers.  BTW, I’d love to be sitting over the shoulder of someone who stumbles on this website for the first time.  Donkeycorn?  Brain Freeze?  Hot schmotato?  How are there 250 comments on every post at this site?  Is this a cult?  Razzball?  How about Razz-what-the-eff-is-this-mustachioed-man-talking-about?

Russell Martin – I admit that I don’t think you can trade him for much, but I’d try.  He was a hot April, not a hot beginning of a great season.  Plus, The Great Gazoo is back.

Ben Zobrist – He’s the number one rated 2nd baseman according to ESPN’s Player Rater as of right now…Unfortunately, half of his stats came from one day.  Remember it wasn’t that long ago that you were thinking about dropping him because as of April 22nd, he had a .183 average with 3 homers and 2 steals.  Then the last week of April, he tripled just about all his stats.  I wouldn’t trade him for Micah Hoffpauir’s fake ID, but I’d explore options.

Later, Hawai’ian.  Hello, Eric Hosmer.   Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!”  In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs.  Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A.  Bye, A!  The average has been great too.  He looks like Votto to me.  To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year.  He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you!  If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it.  He’s just a bit too raw.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere.  You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk.  Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call.  Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today.  Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff.  They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get.  Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way.  Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team?  He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC.  Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything.  His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out.  I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.

Melky Cabrera – Hit his third homer to put the pressure on Justin Morneau to keep pace.

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was clotheslined today by his manager after leaving Johnson in until he gave up a 3-2 lead.  Michael Dunn proceeded to make it a Hart Attack by letting two inherited runners come in on a Berkman HR.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got the save.  He’s the closer!  Maybe!  He might have the job until he blows it.  Or not!  He’s worth owning for the off chance La Russa has made up his feathered-hair covered mind.  “Look at my hair!  It falls naturally like the feather in Forrest Gump.”  Whatever, La Russa.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-3 as Nick Punto played 2nd base.  See, Punto was playing today and not able to don Pujols’ jersey and take an 0-for-4.  I’m the monkey-fightin’ Oliver Stone of fantasy baseball ‘perts!

David Price – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Maybe he knew what he was talking about in not knowing what I was talking about.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Or a Boesch & Bomb.  Bee tee dubya, 2 homers after over a month isn’t great.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Give Al Alburquerque a chance!  Santa K, New Mexiclosero!

Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not to toot my own horn — though if I could I’d never leave my house — but I never bought into Myers’ early success.  Take that, snitches!

Jason Bourgeois – 2 steals.  Holy SAGNOF, Batman!  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros.  Was a pretty easy matchup, but I guess it’s safe to get him back in your lineups.  To be honest, I’ve sorta lost my patience with Bailey and won’t be adding him anywhere, which, of course, means he’ll be terrific.  It’s reverse psyching-out-yourself psychology.  Or maybe it’s confirmation bias.  Or maybe I should’ve paid attention in Psych 101.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 6th homer.  I’m not lucky, I’m Bruce’d.  Yes.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but if you haven’t picked him up by now, you lose.  If you don’t trust me, look at his K/9 and K/BB.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Member in the preseason when I made my off-the-wall prediction that Marcum would start the All-Star game?  His ERA is 2.06.  Cust kayin’.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with his 2nd home run in two games.  Super hard to get excited about this schmohawk, but he is currently hitting.  Hot schmotato’s come in all forms, ya’ll.

Ryan Sweeney – 5-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Sweeney wins the coveted prize of “I have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.”  Show him what he wins!  A brand new 2011 Ellipsis! …

Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-5, hitting .226 on the year.  Is he still drunk?

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 4 Runs as he achieved the rare golden runbrero.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his third homer in his last four games.  Too bad the Sciosciapath only plays him four times a week.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-6, 2 steals.  Obviously just the sight of Varitek in the dugout gets opposing baserunners excited.

John Lackey – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Angels treated their old teammate like an inmate riot treats a cruel guard.  Shiv!  Shiv!  Shiv!

Jonathan Broxton – Has a bone spur on his elbow and is likely headed to the DL.  Don’t take my word for it.  Here’s what Broxton had to say, “I’m fat.”  Alrighty then!  I’d own Kuo, Padilla and Jansen in deep leagues.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Whatever, wouldn’t trust him, need to get dressed to go celebrate my Chicano brothers with tequila, moving on.

Eric Chavez – Has a broken foot.  So I ask you, Eric Chavez wants to tandem skydive with you, do you agree?  If you do agree, do you make sure your Last Will and Testament is in good order?

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Bochy said Sanchez is “drifting mentally.”  Bochy became concerned when Sanchez started playing his Nintendo DS during a 3-1 count.

The Twins’ Francisco Liriano may actually have a Twin.   Let’s call him Diego Liriano (runner-up choices were Jose, Antonio, Luis Obispo, and Fernando Valley).  Maybe Diego pitched his first 5 starts – the ones where Liriano got shelled to the tune of 24 ER, 18 BB, and 27 Hits within 23 2/3 innings.  How else do you explain a Twin with Liriano written on his back throwing a no-hitter last night?  Okay, I suppose you can look at the stats and see that Liriano threw 6 walks and only 2 strikeouts during his no-hitter.  You know how rare that is?  Really, we need to know because Elias Sports Bureau charges for that kind of thing.  I’d steer cleareano of Liriano and/or sell him if he was on my team – no reason to keep a guy with a WIP of 0.67 (WHIP minus the H) if he isn’t K-ing a ton of people.

On to the rest of fantasy baseball news…

Erik Bedard - Managed 7 innings of 2 ER on only 2 H and 2 BB.  More impressively, he managed to avoid an arm injury.  He’s bringing hope to the Rich Hardens and Ben Sheetseses of the world.

Jon Lester – Lestah got his 4th win by giving up only 1 ER and 11 Ks versus the visiting Angels.  Looks like someone isn’t liking all that “Weaver for Cy Young” talk.

Cole Hamels – It was a good night for lefties as Hamels threw a complete game victory against the Nats – giving up only one ER with 6 Ks and 6 baserunners.  That’s now 4 wins for Hamels with 40 Ks in 40 IP, a 2.66 ERA, and a 1.01 WHIP.  Not bad for a 4th starter.

Mike Leake – Wrong night to be a righty (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER).  We streamed Leake in one of our leagues and Leake streamed all over our ERA and WHIP.  The game might’ve been in Cincy but this sure smelled like a Cleveland Streamer.

Zach Braddock – DL with a sleep disorder.  He had 3 Ks on Sunday but obviously fell short of that on Z’s.  They knew it was bad when he fell asleep in the bratwurst tray during the post-game meal.  Luckily, he was pulled out before Prince went-a-forkin’.

Ian Stewart – Recalled from Triple-A.  If you just lost Kung Fu Panda then Mini Mini Donkey is a decent enough flyer… And if the preceding sentence made total sense to you, you might want to go outside once in a while and smell the flowers.

Jonathan Broxton – Brought into a tie game in the top of the 9th, walks 2 of 3 batters, and Mattingly pulls him for Blake Hawksworth.  Blake Hawksworth stayed true to his WWE character and played the heel – letting them both score on a Geovany Soto double.  Personally, I would’ve brought in a masked Vicente Padilla.

Jon Rauch – Blew his first save of the year via a BJ Upton 2-run HR.  That sucks but he had saved 5 in a row before that.  My guess is he still gets the next save opp vs. Frank-Frank.  It’s an important decision that could be the difference between an 80 win season or an 82 win season for the Blue Jays.

Jose Valverde - Redempción for Jose as he gets the save against the Yanks one game after taking the loss.

Scott Sizemore – Called up and rewards Leyland for his delayed belief in him with a 3 for 4 night.  That’s only one less hit than he managed last May (4 for 34).  I’d joke more about how Sizemore sucked last year but Grey still hasn’t gotten over it.  Maybe he can now stop singing his ‘Say Anything’ tribute to him….Scott Sizemore lies more…when he’s 0-for-four….

Fausto Carmona - Played 8 innings of chicken with Tyson Ross and the A’s and won when Fuentes coughed up 3 runs in the top of the 9th.  He’s been on a roll of late but he’s also had some pretty favorable matchups (@OAK, @MIN, home vs. KC and BAL).  I’d say he’s an okay streamer option in mixed leagues when he has a decent matchup but his low K rate and occasional wildness leaves me wary.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got his 2nd save of the season by getting Gaby Sanchez to pop up and Mike Stanton to strike out after he had let two get on via a walk and HBP.  He now has 18 Ks in 11 innings and he definitely probably maybe is the new closer of the Cardinals.  You never know with LaRussa.  Speaking of LaRussa, did you hear that his daughter is going to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader?  I guess cheering for steroided Oakland athletes runs in the family.

Jose Bautista – Out for a couple of days with an inflamed neck.  I’m sure it’ll subside once he agrees to live up to the deal and hand over his soul to the devil.

Justin Smoak – 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs against his old team (the Rangers).  He’s quickly becoming the most feared Mariner hitter (aside from Milton Bradley of course).

Orlando Hudson - All you Hudson owners who were waiting for the inevitable injury that would sadly put an end Hudson’s improbable SB spree, your wait is over.  Strained hamstring.  Even if he doesn’t go on the DL, that’ll put the kibosh on SBs for the time being.  If he does go on the DL, keep an eye on Eric Patterson who could steal bases in bunches.

Nelson Cruz – Cruz came out of the game with a tight quad.  Does he even have to go to the trainer for these issues anymore?  Hasn’t he learned to treat himself by now – kind of like how Swayze’s character in Roadhouse could stitch himself?

Pedro Alvarez – He also left early with a tight quad which still made him the 4th healthiest 3rd baseman to start on opening day.

Jason Bourgeois – 3 for 5 with 2 doubles, 2 RBIs, and a SB as he filled in for the injured Carlos Lee.  That’s 10 SBs – he’s nearly out-SAGNOFing Bourn.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Luke Scott - Another HR for Luke Scott.  That’s 4 in 6 games.  Luke warm is an understatement.  He’s more like Luke Perry (in 1990)!

Mat Latos – The time to buy low on Latos – if there was a time – may be starting to close.  He gave up 2 ER in 6 IP.  Two key points with Latos:  1) He has 30 Ks in 27 IP and 2) He pitches half his games in Petco.

Carlos Pena – Pena finally got his 1st HR of the year.   Pena can now start attending the weekly HAGNOF meetings (how ya doin’, Mr. Branyan!).  One more HR and he’ll be all tied up with Nate Schierholtz!

Nate Schierholtz - The answer to the unasked question of “Who had the most random slam and legs so far in 2011?”  If only Vegas let you play the Slam & Legs exacta, I could spout that it was 10,000-to-1 odds or something like that.  And Bill Simmons could regale us with stories like, “My buddy and I had $100 on Big Papi for the 500-to-1 exacta and he hits a HR in the 3rd.  That was the easy part.  But in the 9th inning, the Sox are down by two and he walks.  He steals 2nd on the next pitch and they call defensive indifference!  I can’t believe I went to the game over watching an ESPN Classic replay of the 1983 Celtics-Knicks ‘Boston Tea Party’ game where Kevin McHale got the whole Knick team in a headlock and Larry Bird tea-bagged each one.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Arrested for DUI.  Soo Choo?  More like Shochu or Soju!  (that joke would kill if we were a Korean or Japanese blog!)  They didn’t even bother to take out the breathalyzer as Choo’s face gave it away.  Damn you Alcohol flush reaction – aka Asian Flush!  Upon told by the cops that his face looked flush, Choo asked what the f**k that meant and was forced to spend the next couple hours riding a tricycle and getting taken in poker.