Fantasy Baseball Advice

USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Hello, fantasy baseball fans in America and abroad! Hope your teams are doing better than mine - I keep forgetting that the Dodgers no longer play in a hitter’s park….Am I the only one who gets Grady Sizemore and Brady Anderson mixed up?….One of my favorite players is David Ortiz because we have so much in common - bad knees, we’re older than we claim, and we both like being called Big Papi….Glad to see David Eckstein land in Toronto - I just hope they keep the dome closed during day games to protect his skin….Forget Hollywood, the best director of a cast of characters in LA is Joe Torre. I drafted all four Dodgers OFs just to be a part of it….CC Sabathia’s starts remind me of my prostate exams - I keep hoping for a happy ending but I just end up coughing and looking to the side….Am I the only one that gets Cracker Jack and Crunch ‘n Munch mixed up?….Sorry Mr. Westbrook but the best Jake pitching today is Jake Peavy….SF’s Brian Bocock is the best amateur middle infielder I’ve seen since Billy Crystal….The most insightful Baseball Tonight personality is John Kruk - boy am I glad he’s not in my fantasy baseball league….second most insightful Baseball tonight personality is a 14-way tie….I feel bad for Chad Cordero and Joe Borowski as I lose things all the time too….If Michael Bourn and Carl Crawford ran a race, I’d recommend that the spectators not blink…..Am I the only one that gets Jose Mesa and Jose Valverde mixed up?…..If managing baseball is like a game of chess, Dusty Baker is a Grandmaster…..The only thing hotter than the weather and the women in Arizona are the trio of Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, and Micah Owings…they go as well together as my face and a pair of fake knockers….

Note: Razzball is a fantasy baseball game where you try to manage the team with the worst stats. See here for more info. See here for the results of the inaugural 2008 draft.

“Jose, can you see?” may serve as the punch line for a lame Star Spangled Banner joke but it was a fitting question in 2003.

Jose Hernandez became a viable fantasy baseball play in 1998 with the Cubs after putting together a 23 HR / 75 RBI campaign. Granted he struck out a lot and hit .254 but those are draftable late round stats for a SS. Over the next four years, Hernandez put together similar seasons for the Cubs, Braves, and Brewers - peaking in 2002 at a 24/73/.288 campaign that was more amazing b/c he managed to do this while striking out 188 times (a record at the time). The secret - a ridiculous .448 BABIP. So the elements were in place for a Razztastic 2003.

But things didn’t look promising (from a Razzball perspective) when he signed with the Rockies. Hell, 30 HR didn’t seem out of the realm of possibility. But the thin air of Colorado couldn’t stop the gravitational pull of a little thing we call regression to the mean. By June 20th, Hernandez already had 95Ks with only 8/23/.237 to show for it. Right when Colorado might’ve seen the light and benched him, destiny called upon the one coach that could delude himself into spinning these stats as good old-fashioned aggressiveness at the plate. Yup, Dusty Baker!

The Cubs traded Mark Bellhorn for him and, once back in the Chitown pinstripes, decided SS-eligibility was too limiting for such a momentous Razzball season. So they got him into 17 games as an outfielder. The position change didn’t upset Jose’s rhythm though. In 69 AB, he managed a mere 2/9/.188 with 26Ks.

Now with SS/OF eligibility, Hernandez’s Razzball value was rising in parallel with his K totals. But it would take someone with even more clouded vision than Dusty Baker (and Jose Hernandez for that matter) to make it a season worthy of the Razzball Historical Spotlight. Enter into the equation: Dave Littlefield, GM of the Pirates. After downing a twelver of Iron City Beer, Littlefield agreed to give up a 25 year old Aramis Ramirez (1 1/2 years removed from a 34/112/.302 season) and a relatively spry Kenny Lofton for Jose Hernandez, Bobby Hill, and a sack of nickels.

Suddenly with a hole at 3B, the Pirates decided to add 3B eligibility to Jose’s credentials - ushering in a renaissance of subpar Joses at 3B in Pittsburgh (see Batista, Castillo). In 193 AB, Jose Hernandez managed 3/21/.223 while adding in another 56 Ks.

The final seasons stats were: 519 AB, 58R, 13HR, 57 RBI, 177Ks, .225 with SS, 3B, and OF eligibility.

While others had gotten more K’s in a season (including Jose Hernandez), no one else had managed to do it with less than 24 HRs (let alone 13!). The only other player to do it since….none other than the man he was exchanged for in 2003 - Mark Bellhorn - who managed 17 HRs in 2004 while fanning 177 times.

Jose Hernandez never got another shot to duplicate these stats. He had three more years in the league where he was a utility man across four teams.

Jose Hernandez - we miss you as much as you used to miss the ball.

(Note: Razzball is a fantasy baseball game where you accumulate the team with the worst stats. See here for more info. See here for the results of the inaugural 2008 draft.)

The passing of another Easter seems like a fitting time to resurrect the memory of Ivan DeJesus and his magical Razzball campaign of 1981.

He posted what Wikipedia describes as a ‘Triple Crown loser’ season, finishing last (among batting qualifiers) in all three categories with a .194 AVG, 0 HR, 13 RBI. He added 8 doubles and 4 triples to his 0 HR in 403 AB to finish with an netherworldly slugging percentage of .233.

If you think the 403 AB total was an indication of benching or at least platooning, think again. This was a strike-shortened season. Ivan played in all 106 games. Better yet, he hit leadoff in 59 of them! While Cubs skipper Joey Amalfitano never got another chance to manage a team, his courage in the face of logic and statistics netted him a 13 year gig as Tommy Lasorda’s third base coach. One can only imagine the fun that Tommy and Joey must’ve had eating room-service pasta off hookers’ asses.

Amalfitano also undoubtedly influenced the likes of Dusty Baker and Tony LaRussa, inspiring their man-love for light-hitting middle infielders not named Ozzie Smith.

Ivan DeJesus never was able to repeat the lows he accomplished in this magical season, putting in 3 more merely mediocre offensive seasons before moving onto bench and then coaching/minor league roles.

The infamy of Ivan DeJesus’s 1981 campaign is only overshadowed by his last name - which was a savior to white suburban lads unfamiliar with the dulcet tone of the soft ‘J’ - and his being a martyr to long-suffering Cub fans by accepting a trade to the Phillies shortly after this magical season that netted an aging (but raging) Larry Bowa and a then unknown Ryan Sandberg.

Ivan DeJesus - a Razzball God among men.