“Yo Jaywrong, I’m really happy for you…Imma let you finish your list. But Grey had one of the best lists of all time! One of the best lists of all time!” -Kayne West (Yes, because Kayne calls me late at night. BELIEVE IT BRO.)
Spoiler Alert! We’re doing things deep league style, keeper league style, dynasty style, which ever nomenclature you prefer. Basically, if you hold onto players for more than a year, these are the rankings you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Whole life man. Seriously. Remember, the process for this list is quite different. Unlike Grey, I didn’t type half of it with my mustache. (Mainly because I don’t have one at the moment. Dating! I know, don’t get me started.) Think of it this way. If a draft for a new deep/keeper/dynasty league started today, this is my idea of how it would go, or rather, how I think it would go if the league had anywhere from 12 to 20 owners that were me. That’s a whole lot of Jaywrong ladies. Hey baby, how you doin’, what’s yo name, what’s yo number? (times 12-20.) The actual process involves things like current and remaining production for 2013, projections for 2014-2016, along with future potential, position scarcity, and injury-risk. One things for sure. I believe in the Oxford comma. Wait, what?
Note: I’ve only ranked players who have pitched at least one inning or had one at-bat in their MLB career. Our prospect maven, Scott Evans, has the low down on all those MiLB guys I left out and will have his mid-season list out on Saturday. Go bother him. With hugs and kisses. I’m sure he’s a very handsome man. But I’ve never seen him, so, well, just trust me. Please, blog, may I have some more?
So it’s not really the 2nd half mark in the fantasy baseball season, but it’s the All-Star Break so what else are we going to talk about? Hell’s Kitchen? Is it even believable that these people would one day be in charge of a kitchen? There’s Real World castmates who seem like they have their shizz together better than these schmohawks. I like the one guy who shaved his head to tell Gordon, “I’m now ready to get down to business.” I’m from Jersey with a beautiful head of hair. If I shaved my head, it wouldn’t mean I was ‘ready for bidness,’ it would mean I had completely lost my mind. The hair on the top of my head is my 2nd best attribute! Hair above my lip is number one. MasterChef, though, that show is the Sistine Chapel of reality shows. Okay, as with all of the other 2013 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt. If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade the outfielder for the 2nd baseman. Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Miguel Cabrera number one on the top 100 list for the second half of 2013 and he could get in a fight with a bartender (not Tom Wilhelmsen) tomorrow, then he wouldn’t be number one. See how that works. This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache. This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half of their season. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Josh Hamilton did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because he’s healthy to start the 2nd half. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2013. I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2013: Please, blog, may I have some more?
First, Erasmo returns for our rookie nookie needs, then Adam Eaton is called up to see if owning rookies can be better than Viagra. They can. I asked your grandpa. What? We talk. Adam Eaton has that built in ability to…Ugh, I just started singing Invisible Touch in my head. Phil Collins, wherever you are, you’ve polluted my mind! I love Adam Eaton like a brother I never had and never wanted, but would hang out with if I had time between telling Mom that he was wearing her clothes and doing a runway show in the living room. Eaton has 30-ish steal speed and 10-15 homer power over the course of a full season. Well, that full season went out the window with his injury, and now there’s a Native American crying because someone littered with Adam Eaton’s full season. In a half a season, he could still have a huge one. A Starling Marte-type half wouldn’t completely surprise me. That would be the absolute best case scenario. More likely, he’ll get 4-7 homers and 12-15 steals and be primed for a huge breakout next year. I’d still grab him in every single league because he’s got something you just can’t trust. Something mysterious. And now I’m falling, falling for him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yasiel Puig‘s been lighting up the mainframe on the giant computer out of a bad 1950′s sci-fi movie, but he’s not the only Cuban. Leonys Martin also hails from our neighbor to the south that took up residence in Miami. Last night, he hit two homers, is hitting .417 in the last week and has a hit in each of his last ten games with 4 steals during that time. It’s the year of the Cubans, y’all! In all of their pressed hammy, mustardy, cheesy, pickley goodness. Side note: Do pickles seem like something Cubans would put in their food? Maybe Hyman Roth, but he’s not really Cuban or real, for that matter. Somewhere, ex-Cuban pitcher, El Duque, has a little extra hop in his exaggerated leg-kick that he still does, only now he does it before he cleans up tables at Chipotle. “You’re not going to finish your guac?” *leg kick* Leonys Martin should be owned in all leagues while he’s going well, and is the type of player that could have value all year if you’re patient since he could hit 12-15 homers and get 25-ish steals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
In mythology, Hector was the Trojan prince and the greatest warrior in the Trojan war. So step aside Brad Pitt, while you were fighting the undead in World War Z, Hector Santiago was in warrior mode last night as he dominated the Royals, pitching 8.0 innings, surrendering just 3 hits, 1 walk, 1 ER and striking out five for his third win. Hector could be seen rallying his team in the dugout, “Troy is mother to all of us. Fight for her!” An unorthodox approach for sure, but it worked as the ChiSox managed to score nine runs of support for Santiago. The eight innings was his longest outing of the year, and it was certainly his best, the only blip being the solo home run to Eric Hosmer in the sixth inning. Even if it was only the Royals, Hector seems to have figured things out. Since taking over for the injured Jake Peavy, Sanitago has given up just 5 ER in 19.2 IP, with 2 wins and a 19/7 K/BB ratio. Not bad for the Prince of Troy. Hector is owned in just over 30% of RCL leagues and gets the Cleveland Indians next Friday. If you’re feeling brave like a Trojan warrior I’d start him, but he’s worth the add either way. As long as Peavy is sidelined, Prince Hector should see plenty of opportunities to succeed going forward, and he will fight for your fantasy team.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night: Please, blog, may I have some more?
I recently came across the book (remember those) Sixty Feet, Six Inches by Bob Gibson and Reggie Jackson at a yard sale and found my 75 cents well spent. I also picked up Judas Priest’s British Steel on vinyl for a buck. Breakin’ the law, breakin the law. It was a great day all around, but I don’t know what I’m going to do with this. Anywho, back to the book. In the rectangular thing that has words written on paper, the two Hall of Famers discuss a number of topics including gaining an edge. Here’s Reggie and Gibby discussing it on what may or may not have been an appearance on Between Two Ferns. Baseball players are all about getting an edge. Some ways are subtle: peeking back at the catcher, stealing signs, watching for tipped pitches. Some, not so subtle: an arm slathered in Coppertone, a bat full of superballs, some ground up deer antler injected directly into the brain stem. A way to gain an edge in our world of fake baseball (time to toot the Razzball horn) is using the Hitter-Tron, the Stream-o-Nator, and paying attention to lefty/righty splits with Platoony Tunes. Now someone buy Rudy a drink! I spend more time with these tools than I do with my own. Sorry ball-peen hammer. Sorry Dremel. Sorry oscillating bandsaw, but last time I used you it didn’t go so well.
This week let’s look at some jammer crammer platoony types. Streaming the overlooked bat that crushes lefties or righties is a cheap source of power. Personally, I like to have an open roster spot or two and rotate hot hitters depending on matchups. If you’re in a “set it and forget it” weekly league or have a short bench, you probably don’t have the room to carry a guy just to face lefties once or twice a week. However, if your roster’s big enough and managed wisely, going a bit Platoony Tunes is an easy way to pad the stats and gain an edge. Time to jam it or cram it. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did someone call Glenn Frey? Cuz the H is O. When the news hit, I was on the toilet, which reminded me of that famous Lawrence Taylor quote when he said, “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.” Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez‘s lives are in that same proverbial toilet; hopefully they avoid sleeping with an underage prostitute. “Baby, you ever see me break Theismann’s leg?” “The Theismann Trophy? Wow, isn’t that bronze?” “Joe Theismann, woman!” “Woman? I’m 16.” That’s an audio recording of LT in the hotel room. So, the world is ablaze with ESPN’s report that a suspension is forthcoming for Braun, A-Rod, Yasmani Grandal, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta and Everth Cabrera, amongst notable fantasy names. Gio Gonzalez isn’t in danger because he makes people write down shizz in invisible ink. “I bought this pen from the back of comic book, forgoing the 3-D glasses.” That’s Gio at the steroid reception desk. By the by, how buff was the lady taking calls at Biogenesis and how bad did A-Rod hit on her? I got questions, y’all! If Ryan Braun is suspended, the repercussions will obviously be huge for your fantasy team. However, Braun looks like he’s already battling something — the Jewish guilt? P to the erhaps. If you’re doing well in your league with the Braun that you have, chances are you can rotate through hot schmotatoes in shallower mixed leagues to give you his production. If A-Rod is suspended? Well, no one cares outside of the buff receptionist. EverCab could also send people scrambling for steals on waivers, while Cruz and Jhonny are replaceable in most mixed leagues. On the bright side, Braun’s lawyers will probably fight this for at least a month or two, and they’ve won before over what mail carrier someone used, so you never know. On the brighter side, the publishers of the Jewish Sports Hero Pamphlet can hold off on an expansion for a while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jacob Turner took care of business last night and grabbed the win in his 2013 debut, snapping Miami’s nine game losing streak as well as ending the Mets own adorable little winning streak. Jacob pitched seven quality innings against the Mets and gave up just 5 hits, 1 walk, and struck out three, managing 12 ground ball outs. After the game he assured his fans, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!” I hope that’s true because his minor league stats were pretty underwhelming. You may remember Jacob as the primary get for the Marlins in the Tigers Anibal Sanchez/Omar Infante trade. Turner was initially expected to make the rotation to start the year but he struggled and continued to struggle in AAA in April, walking too many batters and just not pitching as consistently as the Marlins would have liked. Jacob improved, however, and posted a 3.00 ERA with a 20/6 K/BB ratio in five starts in May, and the injury to Alex Sanabia gave him a chance to start taking care of business in the bigs. Outside NL-Only and deeper mixed he’s just someone to watch for now. The former ninth overall pick is still just 22 years old and as he learns his way through the league he could prove himself streamer-worthy. He may be worth a flier versus the banged up Phillies next week, but temper your expectations as you would with any player who plays for the MIA Marlins.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night: Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rudy went into his fantasy laboratory and came up with yet another tool. This, guys and four girl readers, is the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool. It’s about as easy to use as any of the other tools combined. It’s called the Buysellatops and it looks like this. It talks instead of grunting or whatever dinosaurs did. Actually, they could’ve talked. We don’t know. Maybe The Land of the Lost was a documentary. Who’s to say? The Buysellatops has two things on its mind this week, how can we get rid of all of these pollutants and gravity so I can graze the roof? And how little can I buy Jason Heyward for? Sometimes all the planets align for a great buy, this week is one of those days. This day is one of those weeks? You know what I mean. Heyward has just about reached his nadir. Unless he has a season-ending injury tonight, there’s no way he can be worse. His BABIP is silly terrible. Right now, he’s hitting line drives into the gap and it’s hitting a pelican and falling into the outfielder’s glove. If he hits .330 from now until October, it wouldn’t surprise me. He is not a one hundred-something hitter. He has power and speed. Here’s a comparison for ya — he can be as good as Adam Jones the rest of the year. Rarely do you get a chance to buy low on such a highly ranked hitter, but here’s your chance. As Buysellatops would say, “Get Heyward, and maybe some suntan lotion from Buchholz. This sun is so much stronger than I remember it.” Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ryan Zimmerman went Yardo Montalban as he Tattooed the ball three times. Da plane, da plane…is flying right next to Zimmerman’s homers! My dear guests! I am Mr. Albright, your host. Welcome… to Fantasy Baseball! Smiles, everyone, smiles! No, seriously, smile, you paid a lot of money for those caps. Since it was a game between the O’s and Nationals, they shared announcers (since they share channels). So, the O’s announcers said everyone’s crazy for Machado, Jones, Zimmermann and Harper and not Ryan Zimmerman or Nick Markakis much anymore, after they were the stars of their respective clubs. Then the Nationals announcer says, “I can’t say I know much about Markakis myself.” Burn! I’d play that over the clubhouse speakers before every game. Not to motivate Markakis as much to mess with him. Oh, and Zimmerman! Right! Yeah, he had a huge game, and you might remember he goosed me in my nethers last year when I dropped him, because he hit 10 homers in July of 2012. Might be the start of another special run. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?