Fantasy Baseball Advice

Stephen Strasburg returned yesterday in case you’re living under a rock that doesn’t get the MLB package.  Reminds me of a line Selig uses on his wife, “Hey, baby, wanna see the MLB package?”  What can I say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before?  That he stinks.  That hasn’t been said before.  It’s also not true; probably why it hasn’t been said before.  He can translate Pig Latin into Ancient Sumerian.  That’s never been said before.  Also, not true, but whatevs.  If Strasburg is available in your league, I’m guessing you’re in a ten team league where it’s you vs. nine alias you made up.  Hey, whatever it takes to win, right?  But if he’s available, grab him.  I imagine he’ll be fine this year if a bit more hype than is actually warranted.  I mean, in roto leagues, is he really changing your ratios that are from 1300 innings with twenty of his own innings?  No, probably not.  Oh, and he threw five shutout innings in last night’s game.  Yeah, he’s good.  Well, that’s been said before.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we jump into the roundup, just wanted to say our fantasy football site has been getting updated, but sometimes when you switch servers (as we did last week), it takes a bit for your browser to clear cache or cookies or something that I don’t fully understand.  The site should be up to date now.  If it’s not showing a post newer than last week, please tell me in the comments.  Thanks, friend.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3 in his return.  Before his hammy/oblique injuries, he was knocking seeds all over the field like an Amish farmer after a 12-pack of Red Bull.

Kosuke Fukudome – When he gets hot, he gets scorching and he now has homers in two consecutive games.  Roll out the red carpet!  And I’m not referring to Joan from Mad Men.

Carlos Carrasco – Will miss all of 2012 with Tommy John surgery.  A representative of the Mayans said, “You ain’t gonna miss anything.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Said he will return on September 13th.  I don’t care.  I mean, I care enough to not care, if that makes sense.  Choo’s hurt me this year!  My wounds are fresh!  I’m thinking of taking him to small claims court where this Indians middle reliever, who came in after Hagadone, will be presiding.

Fausto Carmona – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Seems odd to make a deal with the devil and tell him you don’t need his help after September 5th.

Drew Pomeranz – Will make his MLB debut on Sunday vs. the Reds.  So why do you care?  I’m not sure.  Maybe you’re related to Pomeranz.  Hey, Stew Pomeranz, thanks for reading!  Pomeranz was a first round pick in 2010 and has a 1.78 ERA in his first 20 pro starts with a big time K-rate.  But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s very young and will start his home games in Coors.  In deep keepers, sure, take a flyer with him for your bench.  Everyone else, I’d let the schmohawk in your league who wears a jersey of a team he doesn’t like to the draft to throw everyone off take the risk.  You know, the guy too smart for his own good.

Rickie Weeks – Could return this weekend.  Or The Weeknd, if you’re into R&B.

Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K.  You know what Porcello is good for?  Inconsistency and no Ks.  Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts, Rakim.

Brett Myers – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 Hits, 6 Ks.  Last time Myers had a four-hitter he ended up with a restraining order.

Jeff Niemann – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Fellow -mann’s, Jordan and Horace, are none too impressed and neither am I.  Frank Herrmann, “Don’t forget me!”  Who are you?

C.J. Wilson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Remind me to never doubt a reliever turned starter.  Seriously, make Kevin Gregg a starter and he’ll have a 2.00 ERA.

David Murphy – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  The other day I said something like Murphy goes through stretches where he should be owned in all leagues.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.93 on the year and a 1.19 WHIP.  Seems like he’s gotten so good that he’s taken for granted and forgotten when the best pitchers in baseball are talked about.  Then again, I try not to watch ESPN, where they probably have 30 minute segments during each Sportscenter about Sawx pitchers.

Josh Beckett – Turns out he had an ankle sprain, then he didn’t have an ankle sprain and now he has one again.  One thing he definitely doesn’t have is a decisive doctor.   Beckett will miss one start and he’s downgrading Al Bumbry’s mint rookie card to a nickel in his baseball card magazine.

Dustin Pedroia – The Sawx scored 14 runs and the Sparky Anklebiter went 0-for-5.  Ticker tease!

Marco Scutaro – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 runs.  Now 7 for his last 12.  Marco…Scutaro…Just pops up in the most unlikely places (when you close your eyes in a pool).

Mike Leake – 9 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was one out from a one-hitter shutout when LaHair moussed him.

Bobby Parnell – Gave up 2 runs as he blew the save, but the Mets went on to win the game.  Doesn’t it seem that when a team rallies after a blown save that the team is less inclined to worry about the closer blowing the game originally?  Maybe it’s just confirmation bias.  (<–Thanks, Psych 101!)

Jorge Posada – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer as Jesus sat, which is nowhere near as hip as Jesus walks.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer and 43rd steal for the slam & legs.  He’s obviously nowhere as valuable as Ellsbury this year, but I still have my delusions that he can be one of these years.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That looks like the Peavy of old… Oh, I know.  He was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with a homer and he’s batting .455 in the last week.  If he got hot for the final three weeks it wouldn’t shock me.  Whatever he can do to pull the wool over people’s eyes for next year he’ll do it.  I can see it now.  Random Commenter in March, “Hey, Grey, what do you think of Rios?  While he was one of the worst players and human beings for five months, he was good last September.”

Jason Motte – Salas pitched in the 7th inning and Motte got the save.  The closer role has been clinched!…Then Motte gave up a run.  So I’d look at Motte first, but there’s no way of knowing which way the wind’s going to blow La Russa’s feathered locks.

Ramon Ramirez – Speaking of closers, everyone’s pointing at Sergio Romo and he pitched the 8th inning while Ram-Ram got the save.  This is an obviously fluid situation that needs plastic bed sheets.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his 16th steal.  I guess you don’t need steals.  Must be nice being like the little Monopoly man with steals hanging out of your tuxedo.  Ooh, look at me, I have Boardwalk and Park Place and steals.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now 2.86 on the year and his record is 11-1.  Good enough to make a Philly fan puke on someone.  In a good way.

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Back in June when he was first called up, I made him a Buy.  You can look it up!  Since then, haven’t really talked about him.  He now has a 3.53 ERA in 35 2/3 innings with a 1.18 WHIP and he’s been much better as a starter than a long reliever as the Pirates used him for a bit.  His Ks are a bit pedestrian and he grew his beard because some letter written by an 11-year-old.  You are your own boss, Lincoln!  I could see streaming him for the reminder of the season with the right matchups.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  On Monday, he went 3-for-4.  Ryan Without-Mitt usually can hit; he can’t usually stay healthy.  That’s his caveat for our Latin American readers.

Jose Tabata – Has a fracture in his hand.  Or as they say in Brad Hand’s household, a fractured last name.

Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives? Oh, you meant it more why do we care about Jennings so much, gotcha. He’s the number one prospect in baseball for fantasy, according to Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. There’s guys that can hit with more power. There’s pitchers that have great stuff, but speed translates easiest to the majors and Jennings gets a lot of his value from his legs. Also, he’s had a great OBP through the minors, so getting on base shouldn’t be an issue. Then you throw in his teen homer power and you’re looking at a guy that could be B.J. Upton without the phantasmagorically bad average.  Call the engraver, we need a plaque for Cooperstown!  As with all rookies — or rooks if you have a short attention span — there’s the chance he falls flat on his face or steps on a rake and isn’t good until next year. Wasn’t like he set the world on fire last September when he was used off the bench (.190 average, 0 homers in 21 ABs with 2 steals). For his huge upside, you should take a flyer on him in every league. Yeah, even yours. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton – As the Rays started the Jennings’ arbitration clock, they also started the Upton nice-knowing-you clock.

Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Tampa Bay Peach was much better in the minor leagues this year than he’s been in the majors, and he hasn’t been too bad in the majors.  Decent flyer in deeper leagues, but he’s not guaranteed anything.  Like all of us.  Geez, that’s dark.

Zack Cozart – Just when I drop my other shortstops, deciding to roll with Cozart, he goes and gets hurt.  I know, here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s you putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay and when someone meets the opening bid of one cent, they’ll play it for me.

Mike Carp – Hit two homers this weekend while maintaining his tilde .250.  BTW, someone who raises you but isn’t your mother?  Matilde.  You’re welcome, English language.  I’m making you better.

Adrian Beltre – To the DL with hammy issues.  Know who else had hammy issues?  Kermit the Frog.

Chris Davis – Called up to replace Beltre.  Someone change Bill James’s sheets!

Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Through 92 innings, has a 0.93 WHIP.  That’s good.  More impressively, he’s only walked one batter in his last 21 innings.

Chase Headley – I refused to own him this year…Actually, besides Bartlett, I’ve abstained from Padre hitters.  And Bartlett just for speed.  So I wasn’t exactly following Headley’s season.  Any the hoo!  He has 3 homers on the year!!!  (Extra exclamation marks provided by my 14-year-old niece.)   And he has only two homers since April 2nd.  Your deity of choice, that’s terrible.

Phil Hughes – He was in Friday’s Buy column then he went out and served you lunch in a Port-A-John.  Totally 20/20 hindsight here, but would I start him every time out?  Nope.  Do I still think he should be owned in most leagues?  Yup.  Should he be owned in your league?  Mupe.  That’s colloquial for maybe.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit three homers this weekend to bring his season total to 15.  The funny thing — and by ‘funny’ I mean not funny at all — people ask me if I like so-and-so catcher better than so-and-so catcher, and in my head I’m like, “It’s a catcher.  Just put him in your slot and stop picking the scab.”  Unless we’re talking about the difference in McCann and Chris Iannetta, there’s very little separating most catchers.  Yet, this seems impossible to get through to people.

Eric Chavez – As the trading deadline approaches, Eric Chavez is the one player that no teams are interested in.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  You’re basically drinking jungle juice straight from a bathtub if you started him here.

Hideki Matsui – 5-for-5.  I almost included him in hitters that had a big 2nd half last year, but I didn’t think it was possible for a repeat.  I figured he was too old, too tired and too effin’ blind from his huge porn collection.  He’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.  He also dedicated this big game to his anime-inspired wife.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs as he stays hot.  He’s now hit in almost as many consecutive games as there are syllables in his name.

Dustin Pedroia – Sawx scored 12 runs and Dusty went 1-for-5 with a run.  Ticker tease!

Tim Stauffer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Citizens Flank.  See Gonzalez, Gio or 2 inches above.

Mike Trout – Not to be shown up by Carp, Trout went deep for the first time in his career.  Somewhere, Kevin Bass is smiling.  Trout’s also hitting .179, so there’s that.

Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5 yesterday and 2-for-3 with a home run on Saturday.  Member in the preseason when you drafted Byrd as your 5th outfielder?  Yeah, he could still do that.

Carlos Lee – 4-for-8 over the last two days with a homer.  First Byrd, now Carlos Lee — it’s like I found this roundup in a time capsule.

Adam Jones – Yesterday, a slam and legs to go with 2 homers over the weekend.  Next year, he’s gonna be 26 years old.  Giddy up.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this weekend.  He’s younger than the youngest Culkin brother.  Yup.

Emilio Bonifacio – Hitting streak at 23 games.  Imagine he broke Joe Dimaggio’s hit streak?  Baseball historians, sporting tweed jackets, would be jumping out of windows all over our fine nation.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit three homers over the weekend.  He (she?) is having one of those borderline seasons.  In NL-Only leagues, you’re more than happy.  In mixed leagues, you’re kinda meh.

David Wright – 3-for-4 with his first home run since he returned on Friday.  Don’t want to jinx him by saying he looks like he hasn’t missed a beat, and not totally sure if it’s a jinx just by saying I don’t want to jinx him.

Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER.  When you don’t have the closing job, but you’re trying to get it, it’s not the best move to blow a game.  Maybe he should switch to Bob or Robert to try and instill some confidence.  Bobby’s a child; this is a man’s game!

Antonio Bastardo – Got the save yesterday.  Manuel just got on the phone with the bullpen and said he didn’t care which bastard came in and Antonio warmed up.  Madson had also saved the previous two games.

Chase Utley – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  I hope it’s the start of something magical that would make his pomade-fueled hair proud, but sadly I think his best days are behind him.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with a home run.  In an odd turn of events, Rasmus started.  And for the Cardinals.  Geiger, let’s go!

Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If someone asks if they should still own this schmohawk, they should just put their password in the comments and I’ll drop him for you.

Justin Upton – 9 for his last 11 with 9 RBIs and 2 homers.  Still enough season left for him to make his case for being a top five draft pick next year.  Go ahead scoff, you scoffer.  But if he gets to 30/20 with a .290 average, at the age of 24 you’re going to doubt him?

Brett Cecil – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m warning you now, I’m gonna like him a lot going into next year.  You know, I like high-K, sexy pitchers that are totally inconsistent.  These guys are the insane, hot girls that you wanna date but you really shouldn’t.  Your friend, “You should break up with her.”  “We all have our quirks…”  Your friend, “She just set your car on fire.”  “But she has great breasts!”

Adam Dunn – Went 3-for-16 (.188) this week to raise his average to .160.  My man’s on fire!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I continue to watch every start of his with my hands in front of my eyes.  Somehow, his ERA is 2.57.

Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER as the Mariners losing streak hits 15 games.  That’s an impressive skid mark.

To discuss Francisco Liriano at Razzball HQ, I gathered the Random Italicized Voice, MR. AL CAPS and Larry King.  After eating me out of house and home — “The selection was pretty meager.  Freezer pops, really?” “NOT A THING TO DRINK,” “Anyone see where I put down my teeth?” –  we talked about Liriano.  He started off in the preseason in my top 10 starters for 2011.  “That call looks as pretty as Rocky Dennis.“  “YOU SHOULD’VE FOLLOWED THAT CALL WITH SAYING TYLER COLVIN WOULD HIT 40 HOME RUNS.”  “I wonder if my teeth are in the bathroom.”  April saw Liriano’s ERA balloon to 9.13 and a lot of talk about how the Twins asked him to throw to contact.  Yeah, why strike out guys when you can have hitters hit balls into holes?  “I’d like to hit some of my random italicized balls into holes.“  “NICE ONE, RIV!”  “Hey, what do you know?  I clipped the potato bag closed with my teeth.”  In May, Liriano had an ERA of 2.52 and a no hitter, but he still didn’t look completely right.  In June, he’s given up one earned run in 13 innings.  More importantly, he has more Ks than innings pitched.  After his June 7th start, I said that was the best he’s looked all year, including the no-hitter.  On Sunday, he looked better — 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks and 9 Ks vs. the Rangers.  He’s not at 100% owned in ESPN, I’d go ahead and fix that.  Also, if you can get a Liriano owner to think he’s selling high, I’d see if I could still buy low.  Remember some of these owners are still dealing with early season scars when he looked like hot garbage.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Joe Mauer – Supposed to return on Thursday.  I’ll give him an over/under of 7 home runs on the year.  I’ll give him and Morneau combined an over/under of 14 homers.  Or two less than The Drubal has right now.  “Why do I own Morneau in multiple leagues?”  That’s me standing on the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Mike Napoli – Headed to the DL with a strained oblique.  The bad news is he’ll probably miss three to four weeks.  The good news is it’s three to four weeks without questioning why Napoli isn’t playing.  If humans use 10% of their brains and 7% of that is used with Napoli questions, suddenly you’re all gonna be like Travolta in Phenomenon.  Forget picking up a free agent catcher, pick up a tractor trailer with a wiggle of your finger.

Miguel Olivo – Hit two more home runs on Sunday.  All he does is hit home runs!  (For a week or two then goes crazy cold.)

Justin Smoak – Hit his 2nd home run in the last three days, now has 12 on the year.  I think next year he’s going to be terrific, but this year he might just be a tad better than Mitch Moreland.  BTW, who names their kid, Mitch?  That’s one of the few times the long form of a name — Mitchell — is far preferable.  Hmm, looking again at the Google Map of this post, it looks like I could’ve avoided the Mitch detour.

Bartolo Colon – To the 15 day DL.  When Colon heard he had a strained hammy, he asked if it was glazed.

Jorge Posada – 2-for-3 and is now only six points away in average from Russell Martin (.226 vs. .232).  That’s not a positive for Posada, but a negative for Russell Martin, who I told people to sell back in April.

Derek Jeter – 7 from 3,000.  Tony Gwynn said the last ten hits are the hardest to 3,000.  Gwynn, “Until you get those last 10 hits, you won’t even enjoy the activity you enjoy most.  For you, that’s probably banging Minka Kelly.  For me, it was eating Big Macs.”

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with a foot injury, which for the Harangatuan could be his hands, not sure.  Since Dustin Moseley is also ailing, Wade LeBlanc could fill in the rotation.  In deeper mixed and NL-Only leagues, he’s a decent Hodgepadre flyer.

Anthony Rizzo – Homered on Saturday.  It’s Rizzo, jerky!

John Axford – Recorded his 18th save to go along with his 2.97 ERA.  Member when you dropped him the first week of the season?  Yeah, I’d suggest Ritalin for the Attention Deficit Drops.

Dustin Pedroia – Since the knee scare, he’s actually been great.  Yesterday, he hit a home run, before that two three-hit days.  Maybe I was irrationally worried about his knee, or maybe I just couldn’t put my finger on his can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.

David Ortiz – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 17th home run while sporting a .325 average.  His collapse next year is gonna catch some fantasy owners off guard, but think about the poor schmuck who’s gonna give him a 3-year, $45 million contract.  Ed Wade’s Toupee, “If we had a DH, I’d consider it.  We don’t have a DH, right?”

Kyle Drabek – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Will have a nice career at some point, but right now he looks like five kinds of wrong with a side of meh.  Speaking of meh, Super 8, though it ended up being just disappointing because of expectations.  How does J.J. Abrams go wrong with Close Encounters meets E.T. meets Stand By Me?  Only thing that could have been more disappointing is if David Simon was somehow involved, but he’s busy disappointing me with Treme.  I will say I would like to see an updated Goonies built around the pyromaniac kid with braces.  Finally we have a new Mouth.  If that kid isn’t mainlining heroin within 5 years because of all the money he’s about to make, he should fire his parents.

Hunter Pence – Sat out Sunday with a sore back.  I have a sore “lacking a 2nd outfielder” on my fantasy teams, so hopefully it’s not a major issue.

Allen Craig – To the DL.  Hopefully, the Rays call up Desmond Jennings soon.  What does that have to do with Allen Craig?  Nothing.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Left the game early rubbing his index finger.  He was either injured or playing charades with his name.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, hitting .321 with 5 homers and no steals on the year.  He is such an empty average and, when that falls to .300, you’re gonna be left with even less.

Scott Elbert – Got the Dodgers first save in 3 weeks.  This was just a situational save; I wouldn’t run out and add Elbert.  I would add Elbert before Roeper though.  He was worse for their show than Ebert’s cancer.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-5 with only his 2nd slam and legs this year, as his owners hunger for more.  He now has 9 homers and 10 steals.  He’s just about on pace for where I thought he’d be.

J.P. Howell – Ye of the 10+ ERA got the save yesterday even though Farnsworth wasn’t overworked on Saturday.  I think it was just a one time thing for Thurston and Lovey’s kid, but it’s worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Mark Reynolds – On Saturday, he hit 2 home runs.  On Sunday, he left the game with a left arm contusion, according to ESPN.  Is it me or are teams using the word contusion a lot recently?  Was contusion just the Word of the Day at Dictionary.com?  Did Selig send around a memorandum that teams should start using contusion?  It’s a bruise, people.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He’s been better than Heyward.  Cust kayin’.

Dan Uggla – 2-for-3 with his 8th home run and first since May 15th.  Or the first home run for Uggla since we lost the rapper of Teach Me How To Dougie.  Good to see Uggla’s finally putting that behind him.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  First name:  Hommy.  Last name:  Tanson.  Middle Name:  Butter.

Craig Kimbrel – Venters recorded his 3rd save on Sunday but the word on the streets of Atlanta is Kimbrel is still the closer, he just needed to rest.  Here’s a revolutionary idea, rest him during non-save situations.

Sergio Santos – Got the save yesterday but he’s now given up 8 earned runs in his last three outings.  I could see grabbing Thornton on spec, but I’d leave him on my bench for now.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 2nd home run in the last 4 days.  An Uggla and Dunn homer on the same day.  It’s a total eclipse of a bad start.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-3 with his first home run.  He went 3-for-4 on Friday and has been playing every day.  If you’re hurting at middle or corner infidel, it’s worth looking at him.

Tyler Chatwood – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he got Mazzacred.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I love him, enough’s been written on that.  But, let’s be clear, against the Padres in Petco isn’t exactly facing the 1927 Yankees in Coors.

Elvis Andrus – Was pulled from the game for a lack of energy going to first.  Ron Washington, “Was setting an example, but I know about wanting to savor it when you go down a line…”

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with his 8th steal.  Yeah, yeah, fail with a hashtag for Alcides, but he’s 10 for his last 17 with 2 steals.

Mike Moustakas – Homered on Saturday.  The Royals should hand out bottles of tahini and have their fans squirt each other in the face after a home run.  It’s Greek love!

Mike Moustakas was called up!  No, he wasn’t! Yeah, he was, random italicized voice, why are you giving me a hard time?  Keeping you honest. Since nothing’s changed since last time I went over him but the date, here’s what I said in the offseason, “Last year, he spent time at Double and Triple-A.  Not at the same time, that would be some Multiplicity shizz.  In 484 ABs, he hit 36 homers and batted .322.  As they say in Moustakas’ home country, “Wow.”  (He’s from L.A.)  Then they would throw a glass into the fireplace and spray some Windex.  This past year saw Moustakas named the Texas League Player of the Year, which is more prestigious than the Koo Koo Roo Employee of the Year, but only barely.  As his skipper said, “(Moustakas) missed the first 16 games of the season and by midseason he was leading the league in all the categories.  And where’s Gilligan?!” And that’s me quoting me!  This year, more of the same.  In 55 games, 10 home runs.  I’ll conservatively give him 40/15/50/.280 in 275 at-bats.  He’s a pick up in every league for his eligibility alone.  To get all Iliad on you, it’s Moustakas of Troy that launched a thousand homers.  It’s also no accident that my iPhone wanted to autocorrect “Moustakas of Troy” into moistened trousers.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Aviles – Was sent down to make room for Moustakas.  The Royals obviously wanted to see more of Chris Getz.  Well, I guess the Royals can only make one intelligent decision at a time.

Dustin Pedroia – Has just a knee bruise, won’t need surgery and could return on Friday.  That’s awesome news!  A guy who has been downright terrible because of his ailing knee only needs one day of rest.  Riiiiiiiiiiight.  Extra I’s for sarcastic emphasis.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.18 on the year.  The biggest compliment I can give any player is I wish I owned them.  I wish I owned Romero.  (Now I will receive trade offers of Romero for Stanton.  Rudy and I were noticing that our Stanton receives by far the most offers to take over his services.  And that might be only interesting to Rudy and me.)

Mike Stanton – Hit his 14th homer this year.  Speaking of which, he’s going to hit 35 homers this year.  You can count on one hand the guys I’d give a better than 50% shot at 35 homers — Pujols, Fielder, Bautista, Teixeira and Stanton.  There’s others with a 25% chance, but not that many.

Chris Snyder – Out for the season with back surgery.  Sounds like a good excuse for a year pass to Burke Williams.  What?  I gotta speak to our three lady readers too sometimes.  Hey, ladies!

Jerry Sands – The guy who sounds like a 1960′s casino owner was sent back down to the hole in the Albuquerque desert where the Dodgers’ Triple-A affiliate plays.

Trevor Cahill – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  For some reason this guy has a bunch of supporters that come out of the woodwork when I say he’s not as good as he was showing.  Not entirely sure why and I’m pretty sure no one’s going to say anything after he pitches poorly.  Wait until after his next good start, then we’ll hear from them.  For what it’s Wuertz, since I told you in early May he was due for a correction, he has a 4.68 ERA.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He now has a 1.82 ERA on the year.  If you think he’s a sub-2 ERA pitcher, I have a box of Jose Canseco Sportflix cards to sell you.  And, when he regresses to a 3.00 ERA, he still won’t have any Ks.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-3 with his 6th home run.  Luckily, the big man asked for a five count King Kong Bundy-style, cause he needed a four and a half before he showed signs.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-2 with a triple.  It’s Rizzo, jerky!

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA is better than Gallardo’s.  Stab me in the eye.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Member in my preseason rankings when I put Hamilton much lower than any other ‘perts because of his injury history and how he had a 10 homer season in 2009?  He’s on pace for around 10 homers right now.  We’ll see if he gets there after his inevitable next DL stint.

Jonny Venters – Notched his 2nd save of the season.  Fredi Gonzalez said that they just needed to give Kimbrel rest.  Then he winked twice and nudged the reporter.  When asked about the double wink nudge, Fredi pulled his ear.  The reporter then asked if he was playing charades and Fredi touched his nose.

Joba Chamberlain – Might need Tommy John surgery.  I don’t remember that being a part of the 5-step Joba Rules plan laid out by Cashman, but I didn’t read the whole document.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His season ERA is 1.93.  I will not say anything else for fear my typees will put the jinx on.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s coming in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Still not as pretty as I think he can look but he gets the Padres next.  That’s usually the soup for what ails you.

Eric Young Jr. – He’s a tiny guy.  Are we sure the manager knows he’s there?

David Hernandez – He got the save because Putz was stiff.  Hehe… Can grab Hernandez for potential vulture saves, but Putz is said to be up and moving in the right direction.  Hehe…

Bob Geren – The A’s manager was replaced by Bob Melvin.  They should’ve got Bob the Builder.

Ryan Madson – Blew his first save of the year.  Hopefully this doesn’t open the flood gates and he goes back to a Cuddle Boy who can’t handle the pressure.  Charlie Manuel met with the press after the game in overalls and no shirt underneath, which caused all the reporters to flee so no word at this time, but I’m sure Madson’s fine.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 and his 4th home run.  This ever happen to you — some players do nothing for so long you forget that they’re still playing?  That’s been Geovany for me.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  Speaking of players I thought suddenly retired months ago and I had just forgot about.  Member when Delmon was a can’t miss prospect?  Ah, yes, those were the days.  Boy, the way Damian Miller played…Dongs to make the hit parade…Guys like Gus Bell, they had it made…

News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month.  Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters.  Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon.  You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly.  We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw!  If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback.  Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August.  It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about.  No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater.  No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co. building and rename it Kyle Blanks Auditorium.  They called up Anthony Rizzo!  Today.  Supposedly.  When I say, “Exciting,” you say, “Padres!”  Exciting… Padres!  Exciting…Padres!  Unexciting…Padres!  Fooled you.  Rizzo’s in the same ginormous boat as every other hitter that plays at Petco.  It’ll hurt his power, but he should still be able to hit some bombs.  For the rest of the year, I’ll conservatively give him 17 homers and a .250 average.  He’s capable of a bit more power and a lot less average.  But, as with most rookies, you take the flyer on upside and hope he pans out.  That’s me, Grey “Fantasy Master Lothario” Albright, telling you to go pick him up in every league.  Yeah, even that one.  And that one too.

Dustin Moseley – Left yesterday’s game with a non-throwing shoulder injury.  Remember, Padre fans — Rizzo!

Brett Lawrie – Has a fractured hand, no relation to Brad.  Now he won’t be up until around August.  I’d go ahead and drop him in redraft leagues, unless you’re not paying attention to your team but still reading this, which seems odd but I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Adam Lind – 4 home runs in 5 games.  Yeah, he can get to 35 home runs this year.  You Gotta Believe isn’t just a title of a Marky Mark album.

Danny Espinosa – A Cain pitch hit Espinosa on the hand causing visible pain. You know what’s worse than a .218 hitter?  A .218 hitter nursing a hand injury.

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  As Cain did everything you could ask for, Barry Zito Foursquared from a bathtub (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3 with a caught stealing, which is whatever but it’s always good to see guys at least trying to give some fantasy value.  In other Brandon Crawford news, Bochy says he’ll continue to start when Sandoval returns next week.  That means Tejada has about a week to strengthen his case for the Hall of Fame.

Mike Carp – M’s manager said Carp would only see 3-4 starts per week.  To get dyslexic on you, crap.

Pedro Alvarez – Tweaked his strained right quad resulting in a setback in his rehab.  Vote for Pedro…as the lamest 3rd baseman in 2011.  Both definitions of lame work.

Paul Maholm – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.39 ERA on the year, a 1.18 WHIP and a terrible walk to strikeout ratio.  I actually own Maholm in one league, which is a little scary since I’m not sure Maholm would own himself in a fantasy league.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5 with his 10th home run, a walk off blast, which gave Daniel McCutchen the win.  Then the Pirates played ‘We Are Family’ and everyone hugged.  Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a player hit a walk-off homer to give someone with the same last name the win.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard recently at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Bill, in human resources, smells of onions for a record five straight days.”

Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Good (for Duke) start.  Through 126 1st half innings in 2009, he had a 3.29 ERA, so he is capable of an extended run of decent starts.  But sometimes you take Zach Duke to the cashier and she rings you up for six innings and five earned runs.

Joba Chamberlain – To the DL with a flexor strain.  Someone went too heavy on the shake weight.  As Joba’s drug dealing mom would tell you, “Smoke the shake, don’t shake the weight.”

Alexi Ogando – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He dedicated his non-regression to all the nerds that know what FIP stands for.

Aaron Cook – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s back and healthy.  And that’s where the positivity ends.

Eric Young Jr. – Did not start.  I like him better than Gordon, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Dee Gordon is starting.  You gotta go with the starter.

Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 5 Walks, 2Ks.  Bud Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with his 14th steal as he finally got the start.  It’s almost as if the manager forgot how good he was before his injury.  Play Bourgeois, you capitalist pig!

Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His sister, Mary Stuart, must have pumped him up for this start.  Obviously she was more of a help for him than for her boyfriend last year on the Dodgers, Eric Stults.

Cord Phelps – 0-for-4, was called up by the Indians and started at 2nd base.  Cord has solid plate discipline and a lot of can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.  Pretty average power and speed.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, you’re grasping at straws right now if you go for a roll in the hay with him.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal.  But it came at the expense of my Masterson.  Damn you, Ben Revere.  Why can’t you just be happy being a character in a Ben Affleck Masshole thriller?  You had to go and sully Masterson’s line.  Get it, Sully!  Revere’s looking like a decent deep league addition.  Shoot, he’s looking better than Span at this point, though that’s a bit of a ‘no compliment’ compliment.  He’s a player that I could see Gardy giving everyday playing time to even when Kubel and Thome return.

Justin Morneau – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .230.  Nice showing!  Everyone knows that all Canadians are robots.  Can’t Gardy reboot Morneau?  Or can they upgrade to the Vottomatic?

Michael Brantley – 3-for-5.  He’s hitting .295 on the year with 5 homers and 8 steals, i.e., he’s on pace for a Victorino type year — 100/10/60/.280/25.  Frankly, he should be getting more press from me.  He’s having a real solid fantasy 5th outfielder year.

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-3 with the slam & legs.  “Now, wait one second, Mini Donkeys don’t eat slam and legses,” said a’la Jimmy Stewart.  Not sure why, but his voice is stuck in my head.  Mr. Potter!  Reynolds does seem like he’s finally found his power stroke.  If anyone remembers his 2009, he can get blazing hot for extended periods of time.  Do keep in mind he only has 4 multiple hit games since April 13th, so his average may peak at .230.

Zach Britton – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Start anyone vs. the A’s.  You have my permission.

Reid Brignac – Finally, he hit his first home run of the year.  Geez, what a bust.  Billy Butler, “Please, that’s no bust.”

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-3 with 2 runs.  He was bumped down the order, but he is starting every day.  I’m farting in your general direction, Eric Young Jr.

Randy Wolf – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s actually been solid or terrible in every start.  5 IP, 4 ER start here; 7 IP, 1 ER start there.  If you’ve been able to stomach that, his overall numbers don’t look hideous.

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Speaking of waffling between great and awful… Pick a side, Joe Lieberman!

Prince Fielder – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and has now homered 6 times in June… Mmm…Did someone say waffling?

Jason Heyward – Glass Chipper told Heyward he needs to play hurt.  That wasn’t very Chipper of him to say.  He should change his name to Tough Love Jones.  Chipper added, “I was healthy for 11 days between 2000-2010 and that includes the offseason.  In fact, I just tweaked my oblique telling you Heyward should play hurt and I didn’t stop talking, did I?”