Fantasy Baseball Advice

We continue our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.  There’s no 2nd baseman in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  At least by my calculation.  Some ‘perts are putting Cano in the top 10, but I see him just outside of the top 10, but then again 2nd base is packed to the rafters with production.  It looks deeper than the 1st basemen pool and I’m only being half-facetious.  It’s like all 2nd basemen slept at a Holiday Inn last night.  There’s 15 guys I would take and if I had a middle infield spot on my roster, I’d definitely look to put a 2nd baseman in there.  As with the previous ranking lists, tiers and my projections are noted.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Robinson Cano – See the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Robinson Cano’s projections.

2. Ian Kinsler – See the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Ian Kinsler’s projections.

3. Dustin Pedroia – See the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Dustin Pedroia’s projections.

4. Dan Uggla – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Utley (or Cuddyer, if he has eligibility).  I call this tier, “I see good value.  Draft one.”  This tier name sounds like I’m a handicapper for horse races.  Gambler’s Ruin is great on mud, put all your money on him!   Member when Dan Uggla was hitting, like, .180 and it was July and you were like, “Screw this, homie!  I’m going gangster on my team and trading Uggla for an Obama Chia.”  Then your neighbor saw that getting dropped off at your doorstep, stole it and Uggla went on to hit in like 40 games straight.  Nothing ever works out for you, huh?  Now I’m Worried you left on the oven after drying your pantyhose.  (That Twitter feed is a friend’s.  You follow now, thank you.)  Uggla wasn’t quite the hitter we saw during his hitting streak (no kidding!) but he isn’t a sub-.200 hitter either.  Or is it eyether?  Let’s call this whole thing off!  Wait, he is a 35 homer hitter.  I’ll take that and a box of Ding Dongs!  And, no, box of Ding Dongs isn’t a new Timberlake/Samberg song.  (Yes, that’s two days and two ding dong jokes.  My cup runneth over with ding dong jokes.  I am the ding dongiest!)  2012 Projections:  90/35/105/.250/3

5. Howie Kendrick – Sometimes when you go out on a limb, the limb breaks and you fall on your ass.  That might happen with Kendrick in 2012, but I’m going all in.  From 2010 to 2011 in 18 less games, he went from 10 homers to 18 homers and struck out more.  His HR/FB rate was high and he’s injury-prone.  It points to flukey.  I see a guy with 15 homer power, 15 steal speed, 100 runs and 75 RBIs potential that should hit around .290.  It’s okay, but what puts me over on him is he’s in the prime of his career so he should max out his power and look like Pedroia at a cheaper cost.  Oh, and one thing that’s been criminally under-reported, the Angels added Pujols.  You think someone would’ve talked about that.  2012 Projections:  100/18/70/.290/15

6. Brandon Phillips – Joey Votto’s gonna win the MVP and Brandon Phillips is going to be hoisted onto Jay Bruce’s shoulders next October with the team dedicating their World Series victory to their former pitching coach, Dick Pole.  Just so they can see people on Twitter snicker at his mention.  That’s how I see things playing out.  Phillips won’t be their regular season hero; he’ll be a piece.  The wily vet that plays 150 games a year and gets all those counting stats and has some power and speed that people credit more for their clubhouse leadership.  Whatever, B.P. is still greasing up some decent stats for his position.  2012 Projections:  90/20/85/.275/17

7. Chase Utley – Nah, he’s not winning the MVP again.  Well, I guess anything’s possible if he’s wearing one of Ryan Braun’s Ed Hardy t-shirts, but it seems like the best is behind him like J. Lo.  Then throw in you have no idea how long Ryan Howard is going to be out, then throw in Utley’s inability to stay healthy, then throw in his pomade, then throw in a leprechaun’s toenail and the steam that rises from the brew you threw all that in reads, “Utley should be avoided.”  Now what if I said I didn’t agree?  He’s never had a season of 120+ games where he’s been useless.  Granted, getting to 120 games has been an issue, but we knew going into last year he wasn’t going to be right.  When he did come back, his speed was fine.  Like he was never hurt.  His power was off, but so was his homers per fly ball.  His average was off, but so was his luck.  He’s going to get you 2nd to 3rd round numbers at a much cheaper price than he usually is.  BTW, if he’s bad this year, his career’s in trouble.  I think he knows that too.  2012 Projections:  80/20/85/.280/15

7 1/4. Michael Young – Only has 14 games at 2nd so he may not have eligibility in all leagues.  To see Young’s projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

7 1/2. Michael Cuddyer – Only has 17 games at 2nd base, so he gets a half ranking.  To see Cuddyer’s projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

8. Ben Zobrist – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Weeks.  I call this tier, “Others are taking these guys before me.”  I really don’t like Zobrist.  His stats are just too flaky for my tastes.  One year he hits .297 then .238 then .269.  Then he hits 27 homers then 10 then 20.  “Hey, fella, how about you just hit 17 homers and stop confusing Grey?!”  That’s you in the first row behind the Rays’ dugout because you’re protecting my honor.  Thx, btw!  (Don’t you love when someone abbreviates thanks as thx?  Gee, thanks so much for showing me your appreciation by almost writing a WHOLE SIX LETTER WORD!)  I’m ranking Zobrist later than most ‘perts because I don’t want him, but if he fell to me I would take him because he seems like he’s capable of a 15/15 season.  Plus or minus 15 homers and steals.  Yeah, he’s all over the map.  2012 Projections:  75/17/90/.255/17

9. Rickie Weeks – Stop me if you’ve heard this before– Stop!  I haven’t said anything yet, Random Italicized Voice.  I’ve heard, “Stop me if you’ve heard this before” before.  Here’s the games played for Weeks over his career — 96, 95, 118, 129, 37, 160, 118.  Throw out 37 and 160 and on average he plays in 118 games.  Or maybe that’s the median.  Or the mean.  I don’t know.  What I do know is he can’t stay healthy.  He can repeat his power output from last year and chuck in about 10 steals if he’s healthy, but that “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom.  2012 Projections:  65/18/50/.260/10

10. Danny Espinosa – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Kelly Johnson.  I call this tier, “Shine’s off these guys, but I like them.  Even if they might hit .240 collectively.”  At 24 years old, Espinosa hit 21 homers and stole 17 bases.  That’s the good news.  The very good news is he can hit more homers and steal more bases.  The so-so news is it might not be much more of either.  The bad news is he hit .236.  The not good or not bad news is his luck was neutral.  The “Is this really even news anymore?” news is Espinosa won’t ever hit for much of an average without luck.  The last bit of news is I’m not wearing pants.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.240/19

11. Aaron Hill – Here’s what I said towards the end of last year, “Hill looked to be an average issue hitter that could at least give you power.  Not this year.  His power completely evaporated.  Oddly enough, he doubled his line drive rate from 2010 and lowered his K-rate.  In short (which I only say after going long), Hill’s season made no sense.  Seriously, I can’t make heads or tails of it.  Yes, even in hindsight it’s not 20/20.  It will take some brass ones to go all in on Hill again next year, but I’m leaning that way right now.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Now, looking at Hill, I’m still no cyclops with a monocle.  What we do know is he hit .315 in Arizona in the 33 games after he was traded.  It’s something!  I don’t get where those 21 steals came from last year, but if it was some kind of deal with the devil, he forgot to specify to leave his power alone and the devil duped him.  You duping devil!  2012 Projections:  70/18/80/.265/15

12. Kelly Johnson – After a trade that sent Hill to the D-Backs and Johnson to the Jays, these two will be forever linked.  Or just for right now in the rankings.  Either way, let’s pretend we’re in the first semester of our junior year of high school and we’re taking the SATs.  The final question will send you to either Brown or nowhere because you refuse to have a safety school.  Question:  In 2008, Kelly Johnson hit .287.  In 2009, he hit .224.  In 2010, he hit .284.  In 2011, he hit .222.  What will he hit in 2012?  You know the answer; Brown’s within reach!  You say he’ll hit around .280 and… You’re wrong.  You then go on a 15-month bender that finds you waiting tables on an over-60 cruise ship and making out with grandmothers.  His good/bad alternating averages don’t mean anything, except it does tell us it’s not out of the realm of possibility for Johnson to hit something respectable.  2012 Projections:  80/20/70/.265/14

13. Jason Kipnis – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ackley.  I call this tier, “Sleepers or guys that are overdrafted depending on how smart your leaguemates think they are.”  What I mean by the tier name is in leagues with people who prep the day before and just fly by the seat of their pants, this tier probably won’t be that known unless you’re in Cleveland, Seattle or Oakland.  In leagues where owners started prepping last November, there’s giant flashing lights on this tier’s players to the point where people will probably reach for them way too early.  As for Jason Kipnis, I already went over my Kipnis 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it enclosed with a giant heart on a bathroom stall.  2012 Projections:  80/14/60/.255/12

14. Jemile Weeks – Member when 2nd base was a speed position?  Was before Bret Boone started frosting his hair.  All of these 2nd basemen that are on the scene today probably idolized Boone and his frosted tips.  They probably even went as far to emulate him and frosted their hair too.  When Jemile frosted his hair, his classmates probably called him Sisqo, which is downright embarrassing, so he decided to rebel against the power 2nd baseman and work on his speed.  Or not.  Simply a theory.  Weeks reminds me a bit of Luis Castillo.  That takes some air out of your Jemile Weeks balloon, huh?  Hey, Castillo had some good years.  2012 Projections:  90/3/50/.265/30

15. Dustin Ackley – I’m having a real hard time understanding the hype on Ackley.  To the point where I’m not drafting him unless he falls pretty far.  He’s never hit more than 9 homers at any level of professional ball or stole more than 8 bases.  Granted, these were abbreviated seasons, but he’s also going to be playing his home games in a terrible hitting park.  I’m gonna let someone else take the chance that he shows his ceiling of 15 homers and 15 steals while expecting he shows something closer to… 2012 Projections:  80/12/55/.265/12

16. Ryan Roberts – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Beckham.  I call this tier, “Post-hype and no hype guys.  I guess I’ll draft them, but they’d have to be super cheap.”  Ryan Roberts reads to me like a Ryan Ludwick/Casey McGehee-type.  Never considered much of anything, then they explode on the scene at a late age, then they return to Back To Wherever You Came From-ville (which has higher real estate prices than I’m So Outta Here-ville cause of the influx of has-beens).  There should be a glossary term for these type of no hype players that only have one good year.  Suggest in the comments.  2012 Projections:  55/13/65/.245/15

17. Neil Walker – This guy isn’t far off from Ryan Roberts.  They’re pretty much flip-floppable (Made Up Word of the Day!).  But since Roberts just came off a better season, I put them in this order.  Could see Walker outperforming him in 2012, but not by much since Walker doesn’t have huge power or speed.  Not that Roberts does either… Whatever, I don’t like either, stop arguing with me!  2012 Projections:  70/12/80/.270/7

18. Gordon Beckham – Something that hasn’t been reported (or at least by me) is:  Could Ozzie leaving town have a positive impact on some White Sox players?  You know, the guys that he used to ball-bust.  I wouldn’t be shocked if Beckham comes around as a post-hype sleeper just to prove Ozzie wrong.  Am I betting a whole lot that that (stutterer!) is gonna happen?  Oh, hells no!  Beckham just came off a season where 21% of all of his fly balls were infield pop-ups.  That’s terrible.  In my opinion (and, really, if you don’t want my opinion, you’re probably reading the wrong site), a hitter can’t make worst contact than an infield pop.  By drafting Beckham, you’re basically saying that his last two years were a fluke and he’s going to fix everything.  Put the chances of that happening in one hand and the chances of it not happening in the other hand and you have two empty hands.  Can’t really weigh chances.  Maybe you shouldn’t have quit college to become a scale.  2012 Projections:  55/14/70/.260/5

19. Ryan Raburn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Roberts.  I call this tier, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice and shame on you again.  I’m good at displacing blame.”  Bill James still believes.  He has Raburn’s 2012 projections down for 18/4.  Last year was the chance for Raburn to become relevant.  He’s going to be 31 years old for the majority of the 2012 season.  I got better things to do than draft a 31-year-old player who has never shown much of anything.  Not to mention, there’s been talk of him blahtooning with Ramon Santiago.  That’s nice, have fun!  2012 Projections:  40/12/50/.275/3

20. Brian Roberts – I’m sure Brian Roberts never thought he’d be passed on the rankings by a name that people used to mistakenly call him.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s me putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay.  Here’s someone Buying It Now for one cent and playing it just for Brian Roberts.  2012 Projections:  65/5/35/.260/12

After the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but these stand out, for better or worse:

Daniel Murphy – I left him off the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball and that top 20 went to, like, 30.  Honestly, seriously, Cliff Lee, I can’t imagine drafting Murphy anywhere.  If he hits in the beginning of the year, you can pick him off waivers in most leagues as a hot schmotato.  2012 Projections:  75/12/60/.275/5

Sean Rodriguez – I almost feel the same way about Sean-Rod as I do with Raburn.  Go reread Raburn’s blurb in the passive voice.  The one positive on Sean-Rod that Raburn lacks is age.  Sean-Rod will only be 27 this April.  If there’s no one left on the board, I’d take the flyer and hope Sean-Rod does something.  His K-rate tells me he probably won’t.  2012 Projections:  55/14/65/.230/10

Jose Altuve – I haven’t written a Jose Altuve sleeper post yet, but my Magic Eight Ball says, “There’s a chance you write a sleeper post on Jose Altuve.”  When I bought this Magic Eight Ball in 1989, I never understood why it kept saying that.  In the minors, Altuve showed he could get to double digit power and low 20′s steal-speed.  I’ve seen worse.  You feel me?!  If you do, could you stop?  I hate looking at Astros hitters for anything other than which pitchers to stream against them, but Altuve looks like he could have some sneaky value.  Now to figure out why my Magic Eight Ball keeps telling me to write a sleeper post for Ken Griffey Jr. Jr. Jr.  2012 Projections:  80/12/40/.265/24 (<–crazy optimistic, but whatevs)

I’m not a huge fan of Dustin Ackley.  Way to sell the reader on this keeper out of the gate!  Why don’t you just tell me he slept with my Random Italicized mother too?  Sorry, Random Italicized Voice, just being up front.  The real world is already harsh enough with the truth and non-slanted letters.  Lie to me!  I love Dustin Ackley.  Oh, forget it now. In Ackley’s first full three-quarters of a major league season (maybe that’s not full), he hit 6 homers and stole 6 bases in 333 ABs.  Yikes, his ABs are half of the devil, a dwarf devil!  Prior to his call-up, he hit 9 homers and stole 7 bases in 66 games at Triple-A.  Not one of these numbers jumps out at me as being unlikely from Ackley (say that fast 117 times!).  He Ks a bit, walks a bit, steals a bit, badonkadonks a bit.  He’s like a young Crapolanco.  Yikes, let me get out of the intro paragraph before I drain all of my enthusiasm for him.  So what can we expect of Dustin Ackley in 2012 fantasy baseball and what makes him a keeper?

Okay, here’s the thing, and there’s always a thing unless you live in a vacuum pack.  I don’t think Ackley is gonna necessarily crawl up into a ball and be terrible next year.  I also don’t think he’s gonna make clay action figures and sell them under the name Sucklord.  He’s more or less a teen-ish power and speed guy.  It’s just a’ight.  On a scale of a’ight, “just a’ight” is below a’ight and a’ight a’ight, but he gets a boost to a’ight and nearly a’ight a’ight with how cheap he should be for people next year.  Safeco didn’t play terrible for homers last year, but, as the French say, that was an outlier.  It’s a hideous place for power.  Last year to get to .273 on his average, he needed a .339 BABIP.  That average shouldn’t drop into the toilet like Lawrence Taylor’s post-football life, but he’s gonna be hard-pressed to hit over .270.  I’ll give him the line of 80/12/55/.265/12.  So the prognosis may not be so Ackadocious, and I may not draft Ackley for my 2012 fantasy baseball team, but I would keep him in the right situation.

Turns out Leo Nunez isn’t exactly who he said he was.  He’s been playing under an assumed name.  His real name is Juan Carlos Oviedo, he’s a Latin 29 and he’s pen pals with Keyser Söze.   He enjoys snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.  With the Marlins’ discovery of Leo the Lyin’, he was put on the restricted list.  One time I was put on a restricted list at a nightclub because I had a few too many tequila shots, danced with someone’s girlfriend, who I shouldn’t have, and bam! restricted list.  Now I can only hang outside the club and get handed flyers promoting other clubs that I don’t want to go to.  Though I can sneak back in that club occasionally.  Just need to feather my hair a little more bouncy.  I wonder if the same holds true for Nunez.  Show up in a pencil-thin mustache like Spike, Snoopy’s very un-PC Mexican brother, and pitch the ninth.  Either way, I feel for you, Nunez.  We are sympatico!  While the Marlins and Nunez try to come to terms with who he is, Steve Cishek and Edward Mujica will get saves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casper Wells – Shut down for the year because of his sinuses.  Same thing used to sideline Felix Unger.

CC Sabathia – Won’t pitch again in the regular season. The newest Biggest Loser started this week too.  Hmm… Coincidence?

Stephen Strasburg – Will pitch the last regular season game.  It’s not a home game and it would be on four days rest, so I’m not sure I understand it.  Maybe the Nats just really like having Livan as their ace and don’t know how else to make that happen.

Brad Peacock – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m starting to get pretty excited about this young pitcher.  His recent K-rate in the minors was a thing of beauty and walk rate wasn’t too shabby at all.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see the Nats let him start the year in the minors, but should be up fairly quickly.  Am I weird for getting excited about the 2012 baseball season already?

Kevin Gregg – Got the save yesterday because Johnson pitched the last three days.  Vegas should take odds on whether or not Kevin Gregg will have a closer job next year.  At the right odds, I say he will.  I wouldn’t put anything past some teams.  I mean, how much is Barry Zito owed?  Any the hoo!  Gregg’s not the closer right now, Johnson is.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  He’s been pretty terrible recently, so I was about to write how he’s really taken a dive after the All-Star Break, but turns out that was confirmation bias.  He hasn’t been good in September, but his post-All-Star Break numbers aren’t bad.

Phil Humber – 6 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Ozzie tweeted that Humber was leaving too much of his puta over the plate.

Jason Kipnis – Hit his 7th homer of the year yesterday and he’s hitting .333 over the last week.  Kipnis is locked in, like kishka in derma.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 25th homer.  Guess he wasn’t done for the year.  *dodging tomatoes*

Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s been excellent since August 30th.  He was on yesterday’s borderline starter post, so, yeah, grab him for his last start of the year.

Jemile Weeks – 3-for-3 with a homer, and 5 for his last 7.  As I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore the sample size.

Trevor Cahill – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K.  At 4.31 ERA, 1.40 WHIP and 11 wins on the year.  He had a pretty unremarkable season as I thought he would so you would think I’d be happy.  I am.  Schadenfreude!

Blake Beavan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Yesterday, we were updating the website again.  (I know, sigh.  If anyone’s having a hard time seeing this post, tell me in the comments, but I imagine you won’t see it to tell me.  Double sigh.)  Anyway, I bring this up because I was tied up and wasn’t able to watch the Beavan/Swarzak, M’s vs. Twins match-up.  Maybe I’ll catch it on ESPN Classic.

Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  He was supposed to be out for the year, but as we know, supposing makes a supp out of sing… Wait, what?

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th steal.  Some rookies know how to finish and not hurt their fingers.  Brett Lawrie, “Doode, that hurts.”

Ben Revere – 2-for-4, hitting everything like it’s a pancake and he’s Mrs. Butterworth.  Hey, it’s September, I’ve used a lot of my better metaphors.  Revere will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, the last one of the year.  That’s sad.  I might need a hug.  Or I might need to bail October Grey out of jail so he can grab the reins.

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer.  Started strong, finishing strong.  Can we say lurve?

Eric Thames – 2-for-6 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  I’d say he’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that would be a lie.  I’m no liar.  Maybe a fibber from time to time.  Thames could be a Buy though, if you need power.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  Now has 3 homers in the last 5 games.  As if that wasn’t enough, he looks like the little kid from that Brooklyn Bridge show from a while back.

Matt Moore – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Wow.  Wait, what?  Oh, wow.  In Yankee Stadium.  As in eleven eleven Ks?  Wow.   Sure, it was against the Yankees B lineup, but wow.  Since you’re gonna ask, I think he’ll start the year in the minors and be a June call-up.  Game changing in June of 2012?  After what I saw yesterday, yeah, I believe he can be.

Manny Ramirez – Said he will serve his suspension and play next year.  Manny has officially entered Charlie Sheen territory.  Next stop, Diane Sawyer interview, cryptic messages over Twitter and Ashton Kutcher playing in the Rays outfield.

Ian Kennedy loves each and everyone.  That’s why he gave you 12 Ks yesterday over 8 innings while only allowing one hit.  You say, “No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t even know me.  How could he love me?”  You remember when you couldn’t find a parking spot at Chick-fil-A last week and you were about to give up when a chicken sandwich fell into the flat bed of your El Camino?  That was dropped there by Ian Kennedy.  So you tell me he doesn’t love you.  You tell me he doesn’t love you when he has a sub-3 ERA over 216 innings.  Tell me that.  A 1.08 WHIP and 194 Ks, he gives you that too, unconditionally.  Tell me he judges you when you try to fashion a belt out of twine.  He doesn’t judge you.  He loves you.  Love him back.  I do.  As for 2012 fantasy baseball, I’m thinking Kennedy could be a tad overpriced.  Yeah, my love just went out the window.  His BABIP’s a bit low and his LOB% is a bit high.  She says she likes the ocean.  I’ll look at him more in-depth over the offseason, but he’s got FIPping problems I need evaluate.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with 3 walks.  He has a career .303 OBP.  That’s like an 80 to 1 shot he can avoid making an out in four at-bats.  There must be a kid in a Seattle hospital who really cares about OBP.  (BTW, his hometown was the winner of the “Best Town To Substitute Into The Lion King Song” contest.)

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  Now has two homers in the last three games.  The one nice thing about playing for a non-contender at this time of year is the collective you has nothing to play for so players can go out and be selfish to prove their worth.  Unlike those silly playoff teams saving their players for games that matter.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-4 with a homer and he became the first paisan born in Italy to play in the major leagues in 50 years.  That’s a one spicy prospect!

Dustin Ackley – Mariners scored 12 runs and Ackley didn’t play.  Holy sit!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  Has tailed off quite a but after the ASB (.233, 5 steals), but his power numbers have stayed fairly consistent.  Definitely peaked in May but 4 homers in August isn’t too shabby.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in three games as he bats .368 through 38 ABs.  In related roundup news, Alex Liddi likes to call him Chris Parm.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now has 32 steals and is getting dangerously close to the point where he’s going to elicit questions next year.  “Hey, Grey, magnificent ‘stache.  Magnificent!  So what do you think of Ben Revere?  Obvious bargain, right?”  A guy with no power, around 30 steal speed is a dime a dozen in most mixed leagues.  Good waiver wire pickup is different than a good draft pick.

Ricky Romero – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Similarly to Kennedy, he has some FIPping issues too.  We’ll look at in the offseason.  We’ll debate, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll scratch ourselves, we’ll scratch someone else thinking it’s ourselves.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Bad week to quit closing out games.

Troy Tulowitzki – Getting closer to getting back on the field after taking batting practice and participating in other baseball activities.  Ya know, like spitting and grabbing himself.

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Even if this start was in Coors, it was another solid year for Hodgepadres, and next year I’m definitely drafting only Padres pitchers on one team.  I gotta try it before the apocalypse.

Octavio Dotel – Got the save yesterday.  Motte came in for the ninth, messed around and gave up a triple, double, but it was not a good day.  La Russa lifted him with the bases empty and now who knows who’s the closer.  My guess is it’s still Motte, but we shall see.  Or not.  Or probably.

Jarrod Parker – Was officially called up yesterday.  I already went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting in line at the DMV to have them change my height from five-seven to five-eight.

Mariano Rivera – Everyone’s heard by now that he broke Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Surprised there wasn’t more made of this, but another record was broken yesterday.  Kerry Wood was deemed “done for the season” before the end of the season for a record 11 of 13 seasons.

Matt Angle – 3-for-8 with 2 steals in the doubleheader.  Far from an exciting name, but if you’re desperate for steals, he should get them over the next week-plus.  That’s your Angle.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and a homer.  Hasn’t been playing because of a bum shoulder.  Try some soap and getting rid of the shopping cart filled with junk.  He’s back now and, if his bat is hot, the Sawx will play him.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  I’ve been behind the scenes at Razzball HQ preparing the end of the season lists that will come in October and Soto wasn’t even in the top 20 catchers.  Though one big night may change that.  That was what they call a tease.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  After the game, he dedicated the 2nd home run to his biggest fan.  Me.  At least that’s how I cut the interview together with my iMovie.

Omar Infante – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer.  Nobody puts Infante in the corner.

Brad Hand – With the innings starting to creep up, the Marlins might shut him down.  Right now, the Marlins are talking to the Hand.

Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run.  Great, tremendous, gremendous!  Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year.  The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!”  Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!”  A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!”  Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings.  Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings.  Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings.  That’s probably give or take five innings.  Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes.  Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings.  Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson.  Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues.  Oh, and have a good Labor Day.  I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers.  You should be laboring.  That’s what you get for not having an education.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year.  If only this news came out in March.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer.  Put a note on the Comatose Twins Fan to ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s also hitting .400 over the week.  The Mariners have good reason to be excited, but that’s mostly because The Big FraGu is out for the year.  So much easier than diverting one’s eyes.

Jose Bautista – First to reach 40 homers.  I’ll say my miss on Bautista this year was the ultimate Mr. Bungle move.

Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 with his fifth homer of the year.  Or the sixth lowest homer total of all players with a full season of at-bats.  He’s tied with Maicer Izturis, but Maicer has almost a hundred less ABs.  Jeter reminds me of something.  You’ll never sleep with as many women as you’d like to?  No, random italicized voice.  He reminds how terrible name recognition can be for fantasy baseball.

Alex Rodriguez – Returned over the weekend and hit a homer yesterday.  That’s his 15th homer this year, or how many times he’s openly begged Jeter for his approval.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with his 25th homer.  Was also his fourth homer in the past 4 games and has 23 steals on the year with only 2 caught stealings.  Sure, the average (.245) is a bit blehtastic, but that could easily be at .270 as he continues to prove the Ranger hitters credo, “If healthy, good.”  So it’s not the snappiest credo, but it’s accurate.

Nelson Cruz – Says he can get back prior to the estimated three weeks.  Cool, that means he can get another injury in before the end of the year.  Take odds, Vegas.  Take odds.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer as he hits .293.  Imagine he didn’t go through stretches where his manager temporarily benches him because Napoli’s hitting on their daughter.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his third steal in the three games since he returned.  Mouth on the left side of the screen says, SAG.  Mouth on the right side of the screen says, NOF.  They come together for SAGNOF.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Took over Jar-Jar’s spot in the rotation and meesa tinks he’ll stay in the rotation for the better part of the rotation.  He’s still a rookie that could give a solid six inning start, a four inning/four earned run turd or something in the middle like today.  In other words, he’s a’ight for NL-Only leagues.  In other other words, last week I was in my other other Benz.

Brennan Boesch – Done for the year with thumb surgery.  Boesch & Thumb contact rends.

Johan Santana – News has changed once again for Johan.  First, he’s coming back in June.  Then he’s coming back in July.  Wait, he’ll be back, definitely, in August.  Nope, he’s not returning.  Yes, he’ll be back next week.  Or the final week of the season.  Or not at all.  Whatever the Mets say, he’s not worth owning anyway.

Mike Stanton – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  He’s day-to-day.  If everyone wants to sign a card and have me deliver it to him, I’m hiding in the bushes next to his garage.  I mean, get well soon, Mike.  I mean… No, that’s what I meant.  *nervous laughter*

Hanley Ramirez – Has been confirmed that he will have shoulder surgery.  With some hard work and a dedication to being the best, he’ll be ready to go for the start of next season.  So, he won’t be ready.  I’m going to gauge things further this offseason, but I’m almost certainly not going anywhere near him next year.  I try to stay away from players coming off big surgeries, unless I feel like the injury wasn’t something that could linger.  You know, like Morneau this year.  Now I’m done with all players coming off a major injury/surgery.  Show me one player who overperformed coming off a major injury and I’ll show you 25 that didn’t.

Jon Jay – Homered yesterday and 6 for his last 11.  He also expressed his pride for the way the original thirteen colonies bounced back from Hurricane Irene.

Jason Motte – On Saturday, he recorded the save, then on Sunday Salas gave up a run and lost the game.  If you’re a save vulture circling around for some tasty meat to feed on, I’d peck on Motte.

Torii Hunter – Says he might retire after the 2012 season.  This is neither funny nor interesting (which is implying other things I write are, but anyway…), Hunter will almost certainly have a job at a major network as an analyst.

Carlos Carrasco – Might be headed for TJ surgery, which involves a copious amount of tequila and two donkeys.  No, that’s Tijuana surgery.  My bad.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers and 6 people hospitalized after he high-fived his teammates.

Juan Francisco – 4-for-5 yesterday and homered on Friday.  He’s now started three of four games since he was recalled.  Not mixed league worthy yet, but I got my pet marmoset watching him closely.  I only have so much time.

Sean Marshall – Notched his fourth save as Marmol sat on the bench and thought about what he had done on Saturday.  Ya know, give up a grand slam to Derrek Lee.  Marmol’s still probably the closer, if only to frustrate Cubs fans and his fantasy owners.

Carlos Beltran – 8 for his last 11 as he carries the Giants to a solid 2nd place finish.

Brian Wilson – Threw off the mound on Sunday, but there’s no timetable for his return.  The Giants could opt to shut down Wilson if they fall out of the race, but he seems like the type that would want to return even if the Giants’ playoff chances are remote.  Though I might have a facial hair basis.

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3 as he was recalled, with recall being the optimal word considering how he’s played thus far.  I’d be shocked if the Padres don’t find a way to get Jesus Guzman’s bat in the lineup on a consistent basis since he’s batting .337.  Even if the Padres just Mad Lib first base on the lineup card, Blanks will probably be filled in the most with Rizzo’s promotion.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, now hitting near .350 over the last week with two homers and two steals.  Right now, Dexter is murdering the ball.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks vs. the Astros.  Crazy the lineup of Jordan Schafer, Paredes, Martinez, Bogus..etc. didn’t give him a harder time.  The team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together would have a hard time beating the Little League Champions two out of three games.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Member when he was good?  In like April.  Ah, yeah, good times.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5 with a steal.  Now 10 for his last 18 with a homer and two steals.  He’s been so hot Pirate cameramen have been asked to only film him from the waist up.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Due to an umpire call, the game is under review.  A fan interfered with a Pence double, which was overturned with instant replay.  Charlie Manuel then argued that there’s no such cotton-pickin’ thing as instant replay and the moon is made of green cheese.  We’ll await the MLB’s Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre’s decision.  I’d say it’s pretty likely the call is overturned and the game resumes with Torre’s final verdict being, “Hey, whatever gets more middle relievers in the game.”