Fantasy Baseball Advice

The other day we went over the top 20 third basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball for our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  Today, we turn our bejeweled eyeglasses to the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  The top twenty outfielders will need to go to a top 40 then a top 60 then a top 80.  Unfortunately, outfield is pretty shallow.  Guess outfielders come in waves… much like sperm whales.  Oofa!  For five outfielder leagues, this really blows, which is only a positive if you’re a sperm whale.  Zadow!  As always, these top 20 outfielders are broken up into tiers with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Jose Bautista – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Matt Kemp – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. Justin Upton – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

4. Jacoby Ellsbury – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

5. Carlos Gonzalez – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

6. Andrew McCutchen – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Pence.  I call this tier, “These players.  ‘What Grey wants in every league, Alex?’”  The outfield isn’t quite as deep as it should be considering there’s three of these suckers playing at any given moment on all teams and the Reds have four.

7. Mike Stanton – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

8. Jay Bruce – What we got from Bruce last year may not have been totally Boss, but a guy that can give you a 30+ homer and 8+ steal season is valuable nowadays.  If Bruce manages to pull a rabbit out of his hat, he could improve in all five categories and there will be a magician somewhere wondering why Jay Bruce has his rabbit.  2012 Projections:  90/34/100/.270/10

9. Josh Hamilton – I think the market has finally figured out Hamilton.  No longer is everyone expecting a MVP season every time out.  People have realized he’s Mr. Glass.  When healthy, Hamilton hits homers and a solid average, runs and RBIs.  When he’s not healthy, you plug in someone else.  In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s much easier to do that than in deep AL-Only ones so keep that in mind when drafting.  (In AL-Only leagues or any leagues with less waiver wire options, I’d move Hamilton down to the next tier.)  2012 Projections:  75/27/85/.295/7

10. Nelson Cruz – Take the above and just “find” Hamilton and “replace” with Cruz.  I think the market has finally figured out Cruz.  No longer is everyone–Well, you can do it on your own.  2012 Projections:  70/30/85/.260/10

11. Hunter Pence – He’s a square peg in this round tier.  Everyone else in this tier has crazy upside and some potential pitfalls.  Pence is steady as she goes, Raconteurs.  Last year he hit a few less homers, but I could see him actually hitting a few more homers this year because he won’t be playing under the tyranny of the recently-exiled Ed Wade’s Toupee.  (Was actually surprised Astros fans weren’t more excited about the disposal of the Toupee, but, then again, I don’t think there are Astros fans.)  2012 Projections:  95/25/100/.280/10

12. Curtis Granderson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Victorino.  I call this tier, “How is this tier different than all other tiers?  This tier I’m going to pass over.”  Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

13. Matt Holliday – I’m done with Holliday until next year or the year after when he falls into the tier of outfielders with guys like Vernon Wells.  He’s still too coveted for what he used to do rather than what he’s about to do.  Oh, and please don’t ask in the comments if this means I would never draft Holliday.  I would take Pence, Cruz and Bruce before him and I’ve seen Holliday taken before them, so how am I drafting Holliday?  I’m not taking four outfielders in the course of one pick, i.e., I’m not drafting Holliday before others so I’m not getting him.  Sorry to longtime readers who had to read that, but I feel like I always get these questions around the time of rankings.  2012 Projections:  85/24/90/.305/5

14. Lance Berkman -  Went over Berkman’s projections at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

15. Shane Victorino – We had a good run.  Victorino and I.  It’s come to an end.  Howard’s banged up, Utley’s a nail clipping incident away from the 15-day DL and Rollins has more miles on him than your Chrysler LeBaron.  Victorino’s runs and RBIs will be affected.  His speed is affected by his age, and he’s not a big power threat.  If he falls far enough I could see maybe taking him, but it’s time to bid him aloha.  The goodbye version of aloha, that is.  2012 Projections:  85/15/55/.275/20

16. Michael Morse – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here into the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Went over Morse’s projections at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

17. Desmond Jennings – I already went over my Desmond Jennings 2012 fantasy.  While I wrote it, a leprechaun with a broken GPS looking for a rainbow appeared out my window.  2012 Projections:  80/16/65/.275/35

18. B.J. Upton – Honestly, I might be the only fantasy baseball ‘pert who doesn’t mind Fellatio Upton.  Sure, he hits for a wonky average, but so does your mom.  (Actually, I don’t know how well your mom hits for average.  Though she looks like she can’t leg out many infield hits on those cankles.)  Upton hits for power and steals bases.  I’m willing to go out on a limb that he can luck into a .260 average one of these years with his wheels and still go 20/40.  At 27 years of age, this is the year I’m betting on.  2012 Projections:  80/20/85/.250/40

19. Adam Jones – He has a few strikes against him.  But games haven’t started yet?!  Strikes against him was a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice.  Jones’s ground ball rate isn’t great, which makes me think we’ll need to be lucky to get over 25 homers and his walk rate is near abysmal.  A guy that can give 25/12/.285 is valuable though in today’s bear market, which only sounds like a grocery store in The Castro.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.285/12

20. Drew Stubbs – Stubbs isn’t really the same player as Fellatio Upton, so I battled with how to get him out of the same tier.  I battled myself by dunking my hands in two bowls of Jell-O, then thumb-wrestling myself to a ten round draw.  I ended up figuring it was fine to put Stubbs in the same tier but below him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/55/.240/40

With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps.  We meaning me, but I’ll include you.  No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand.  Why are you now patting my butt?  (Here’s all the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  They’re also to your left… your other left.  And down.)  The pitching recap will begin next.  To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater.  I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course.  This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect?  No.  It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Brett Gardner – Truth be told, I was raised a Yankee fan.  Don’t think it affects me for fantasy because the Yankees are usually one of the last teams I watch when there’s a full slate of games.  I just don’t like their announcers.  And I could really care less about their players unless I have one of them on my fantasy teams.  I mention this because Gardner is about the only Yankee I tend to like for fantasy more than other ‘perts.  He just seems so underappreciated.  No, he’s not going to hit 20 homers any time soon, but he gives you SAGNOF without totally killing you elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #22, 2011 Projections:  105/7/55/.270/45, Final Numbers:  87/7/36/.259/49

22. Jay Bruce – I talk about how accurate my projections are in blurbs below, so I won’t say it here besides saying I’m not saying it while saying it.  You can go ahead and put Bruce, McCutchen and Stanton in a pile of players that I’m crazy sexy excited about for next year.  Preseason Rank #25, 2011 Projections:  85/32/100/.270/7, Final Numbers: 84/32/97/.256/8

23. Adam Jones – In the preseason, I said something like I’m being optimistic with my Adam Jones projections, but I like him and I think he’s about to break out in the non-acne way.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Preseason Rank #44, 2011 Projections:  85/25/95/.295/12, Final Numbers: 68/25/83/.280/12

24. Carlos Beltran – Is it me or do my projections seem really accurate this year?  I’m like butter with the ER.  Preseason Rank #36, 2011 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/10, Final Numbers: 78/22/84/.300/4

25. Shane Victorino – It’s always sad for me to see a player I’ve liked for a while hit the point where I think his value is going to start declining.  2011 might be the last season of a valuable Flying Hawaiian, poi.  Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections:  90/12/65/.285/32, Final Numbers:  95/17/61/.279/19

26. Ichiro Suzuki – Now this schmohawk is definitely on the decline.  Take a half second off a guy’s legs who beats the ball into the ground and you get Ichiro’s 2011.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  85/5/40/.320/32, Final Numbers: 80/5/47/.272/40

27. Mike Stanton – As said in a previous recap, I really don’t want to talk too much about 2012 in these recaps.  Feel it defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to do, but can 2012 happen already just so I can see Stanton take the next step?  We’re talking 40+ homers and 10+ steals.  I love Mike Stanton.  Preseason Rank #26, 2011 Projections:  70/32/80/.250/7, Final Numbers:  79/34/87/.262/5

28. Drew Stubbs – As I said the other day with B.J. Upton about low average biases, Stubbs seems to fall into that grouping.  Can hit 15 to 20 homers and steal 30 to 40 bases, but that seems to go out the metaphorical window when he hits .240.  Preseason Rank #30, 2011 Projections:  95/18/65/.260/32, Final Numbers:  92/15/44/.243/40

29. Cameron Maybin – This guy scares me.  Not in the “Holy crapballs, why is there a cat jumping out a closet with creepy music playing?” way.  He scares me because I touted Maybin for a few years and he kept disappointing, then when I finally ignored him, he did well.  Maybe I should pretend to ignore Dexter Fowler next year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 82/9/40/.264/40

30. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

31. Corey Hart – I ranked him 31st overall in the preseason and he came in 31st at the end of the year.  How about a boo-ya with a side order of boo-ya?  And to drink I’d like a shot of boo-ya with a boo-ya back!  Yeah, that’s kinda boo-ya B.S. because I told you in the preseason to not draft Hart.  Though I wasn’t completely off because he was overrated coming off a career year.  So maybe a small boo-ya.  Preseason Rank #31, 2011 Projections:  70/21/80/.260/10, Final Numbers: 80/26/63/.285/7

32. Matt Holliday – Didn’t see it coming in the preseason, but I think we’ve seen the last of Holliday’s huge production years.  He gets these niggling injuries and just doesn’t have big-time power or speed.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  95/27/105/.310/10, Final Numbers:  83/22/75/.296/2

33. Nelson Cruz – I’ll contest (as I’m about to do) that Cruz is actually way more valuable than 33rd overall because when he gets injured he goes down for extended periods of time and you can fill him in while getting more stats from someone else.  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/27/90/.285/15, Final Numbers: 64/29/87/.263/9

34. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

35. Nick Markakis – He’s become a guy that gives nothing special but a little bit of everything.  Versatile but boring.  Kinda like brown slacks.  I will now call him Markhakis.  Preseason Rank #45, 2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.305/10, Final Numbers:  72/15/73/.284/12

36. Matt Joyce – As valuable as Joyce was, and he was valuable when you consider where he was drafted, he was really just a 1st half player.  You kinda could’ve done better elsewhere in the 2nd half…. Okay, I wrote that then looked at his month-to-month stats and Joyce wasn’t exactly a 1st half guy as much as he was a Mr. May.  Sounds like he was swinging Dave Winfield’s shtick.  Preseason Rank #82, 2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4, Final Numbers:  69/19/75/.277/13

37. Johnny Damon – On one hand, it’s weird that I didn’t rank Damon in the preseason.  On the other hand, I ranked Joyce and hoped Damon would get pushed to the bench with Sean-Rod and/or Brignac pushing Zobrist to the outfield.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a glove on a soda can, it’s Johnny Damon so maybe I didn’t rank him because I just figured he’d be rank.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 79/16/73/.261/19

38. Mark Trumbo – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

39. Krispie Young – I think January Grey might’ve been sniffing glue when he ranked Krispie 13th overall for outfielders last preseason.  January Grey, “It was a dark time.”  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  75/25/85/.240/25, Final Numbers:  89/20/71/.236/22

40. Juan Pierre – Ha!  He was a top 40 outfielder?  Oh, c’mon.  Sure, he doubled his projected home run total, but he could’ve quadrupled it and it would still be miserable.  He was unownable for huge stretches of the season.  2 homers and 27 steals?  Seriously, c’mon.  I mean, c’mon c’mon.  C’mon!  I would’ve preferred healthy stretches of Shin-Soo and a waiver wire add to Juan “2 homer” Pierre.  Preseason Rank #40 1/8, 2011 Projections:  85/1/35/.300/50, Final Numbers:  80/2/50/.279/27

In the first installment of the grading process, we’ll look at the gold stars, the players that exceeded expectations.  As always, in the comments, feel free to beat your chest about who you were high on relative to the rest of fantasy baseball players!

Anibal Sanchez – I pegged Sanchez to be a sub-4.00 ERA guy with 170 Ks, and liked him over several guys (Happ, Holland, Niese, Hudson and Lackey) that were going well before him. I projected him to be the 52nd best starting pitcher, but with considerable upside. Well, Sanchez has eclipsed my K projection, has a 3.64 era and is the 49th SP. Not bad, eh?

Ian Kennedy – There isn’t anything more enjoyable than an ex-Yankee doing dirty things for another team…other than maybe a game winning bloop single off the best closer ever in game 7 of the World Series. I ranked Kennedy as the 43rd best starting pitcher, roughly 20 spots higher than most projections. I had him posting an ERA around 3.70 with 175+ Ks and liked him over: Niese, Garcia, Jurrjens, Jorge de la Rosa, Phil Hughes, and Brian Matusz. Well, Kennedy is currently the 10th best pitcher in fantasy with a dazzling 2.99 ERA and 182 Ks. For all kinds of reasons this one makes me happy.

Hunter Pence – I was all over Hunter Pence, touting him as the #11 outfielder going into the year with a .280+ average, 25 HRs and 15-20 SBs. While Pence has the under on homers and SBs, he has batted quite well: .312. Even though my projections were slightly off, he is the 11th best outfielder in the game, 10 spots better than where most had him.

Justin Upton – Obviously JUp’s talent makes it difficult to label him a “sleeper.” However I ranked him about 20 spots higher than consensus. I thought 2009 would be his floor for the next decade and that he would hit .285+ with 25 HRs and 18 steals. Well Upton, who I had at 20, is a top 12 player, and has put up a .294 average with 31 homers and 21 steals. I got him in a lot of leagues and I’m winning a lot of leagues.

JJ Hardy – I said Hardy would push 20 HRs and bat .270. Well, Hardy is pushing 30 HRs and batting .265. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Joe Mauer – I ranked Mauer as the top catcher, but had him 2+ rounds after most preseason analysts. I continue to think 2009 was the outlier of his career, given his BABIP and HR/FB rate that season. I said “Mauer is not a .360 hitter with 20 HRs. He is a .330-.340 hitter with 10 – 15 HRs – and that might be generous. Furthermore, it’s incredibly unlikely that he’ll be more than an 85 run scored or producer given he’ll play at least 20 games less than regulars.” I suggested waiting and drafting Mike Napoli over Mauer – Napoli has outpaced Mauer in every 5×5 category.

Trevor Cahill – Calling Cahill a potential bust was like looking outside the window, noticing it’s raining, and saying the ground will likely be wet later. I had him as the 111th pitcher when he was comfortably going among the top 100 players in drafts. Well, Cahill is currently the 936th ranked player. In fact, he has performed so badly, that players who didn’t pitch at all this year are ranked ahead of him. I had Cahill at 130 Ks and a 3.67 ERA. Well, he has 140 Ks and a 4.31 ERA. I wasn’t pessimistic enough!

Mark Teixeira – The preseason Teixeira hate was obviously based on nuances. I ranked him as the 27th best player while most people had him in the top 15 or so. I thought Teixeira would be a .280 hitter with 35 HRs, 100 runs and 120 RBIs. Well, Tex is the 48th ranked hitter, has 87 runs, 37 HRs, 104 RBIs and has continued his downward average trend. He sits at .245 now. I told you not to spend a top 15 pick on him!

Drew Stubbs – I have been a huge fan of Stubbs for an incredibly long time now. I thought a 20-50 season was possible, with the floor being 20-30. Well, Stubbs is the 80th ranked player to date with 15 HRs and 37 steals. Looks like I was a little high on the HRs but otherwise, I’m pretty comfortable calling this a success. Stubbs is going to come in around the 25th best outfielder. I had him 17th; general consensus had him at 42. I’m closer!

Bud Norris – I’ve always liked Bud Norris because he brings it. I had him as the 114th ranked pitcher compared to consensus around 317. I own Norris and clearly undersold him, projecting 180 Ks, a 4.30 ERA and a 1.45 WHIP. Well, he sits at 176 Ks with a tasty 3.77 ERA and 1.33 WHIP. There have been some ups and downs along the way, but no one is arguing with his results to date.

Jhoulys Chacin – At the beginning of the year, I said I wanted Chacin over Derek Holland, Kevin Slowey, Jonathan Niese, Jaime Garcia, Jair Jurrjens and Tim Hudson. I said he was a lock for 160 Ks, a 3.75 ERA and 1.30 WHIP. He has a 3.64 ERA, 1.28 WHIP and 142 Ks. I was right to tout him over Holland, Slowey (obviously), Niese, and Garcia, but not the hurlers from Atlanta. I’m very happy with Chacin though!

Seth Smith – I thought Smith would be a .280 hitter with 15-20 homers. In 2011, Smith has batted .282 with 15 HRs – not bad, remember always bet on black…jerseyed Rockies…or something to that effect.

Pedro Alvarez – While Alvarez was a consensus top 100 player and top 7 guy at 3b, I had him as the 21st 3b. Alvarez has been nothing short of a total bust. He is batting well below .200 and has just three HRs to his name. My advocacy for Aramis Ramirez over him makes me smile…and the whole world stops and stares for awhile.

Erick Aybar – I thought Aybar would be a very serviceable SB option, capable of stealing 20+ bags easy. Well, Aybar has batted .281 with 29 steals – not bad for a late round flier.

Danny Espinosa – In a perfect world, Espinosa was a 20+ HR guy with a .250 average and some steals. While the average hasn’t quite been there (he is hitting .236), he does have 21 HRs and 14 SBs. I’d be wary of him in the future – he just can’t seem to grasp what a strike is, but for now, 2011 was pretty nice.

Clay Buchholz – I didn’t predict doom and gloom for Buchholz, but I did say he had no business being in the draft day neighborhood of guys like Greinke, Scherzer, Haren, Billingsley and Marcum. I saw Buchholz landing squarely in the mid-3.00s for ERA with an unimpressive K-rate (maybe 7 per nine).  While he has been injured, Buchholz has an ERA in the mid-3.00 (3.48), and he has 6.53 K/9.

Aaron Harang – I can’t go a year without promoting Harang. Entering 2011, I saw him as a low 4.00 – 4.25 ERA candidate with 150 Ks or so. He is going to fall short in the K category (he has just 124), but his ERA (3.64) has been tasty.

Derek Holland – I called Holland a sneaky strike-out source who could have an ERA under 4.00. Well, he has a 3.92 ERA and 155 Ks. The Ks fall a little short of expectations, but otherwise, he was a damn good value pick!

Brandon McCarthy – I thought McCarthy could easily log 150 innings as the A’s fifth starter and post a sub-4.00 ERA. I didn’t think he’d wow you with the Ks, but as a late choice, he would pay big dividends. Well, McCarthy has a 3.26 ERA, 117 Ks and a 1.14 WHIP – I’d say he was well worth the price of admission.

Jordan Zimmerman – Before the season began, I wrote: I think you can expect a sub-4.00 ERA about 130 Ks and a WHIP in the 1.20 – 1.35 range for Zimmerman. Well Zimmerman has a 3.18 ERA, 124 Ks and a 1.15 WHIP.

I think I made up the word excellers, but it should be a word, so add it into your Merriam-Webster, who was not a spinoff character from that Emmanuel Lewis show.  Never the hoo!  Here’s some 2nd half hitters for fantasy baseball who should be better than they were in the first half.  To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands.  The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell; she said there was no relation.  Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2011:

Derrek Lee – Last year, he played the 2nd half like he was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf.  In 2009, .336 with 18 homers.  Last year, .298 with 9 homers compared to a .233 average in the 1st half.  I still don’t really like Derrek Lee compared to a lot of names, but he’ll come a lot cheaper than most.

Matt Holliday – Hit 24 homers in 263 ABs in the 2007 2nd half, 16 homers in 2008 and 16 in 2009, while also having the 6th best average in the majors.  Last year, he hit .327 in the 2nd half compared to .300, though his homers went down by 4 (16 to 12).  Holliday’s on holiday in the 1st half and Holliday’s Holliday in the 2nd half.  Any questions?  Yeah, what are you talking about?  Not now, random italicized voice.

Joe Mauer – Not completely contingent on the fact that he can’t be worse.  Partly?  Sure.  But not completely.

Ryan Raburn – Mr. Al Caps, “NOOOOOOO!  PLEASE DON’T GET ME EXCITED ABOUT THIS GUY AGAIN!  I ALREADY HAVE A BAD TICKER!”  I know, friend.  “DO YOU?!”  Yes.  “OKAY.” In 2009, Raburn hit 10 homers and .310 in the 2nd half.  In 2010, he hit 13 homers and .315 compared to 2 homers and .208 in the 1st half.  If he hits well this 2nd half, at least we’ll know not to pay attention to it in March of 2012.

Raul Ibanez – Well, there’s an exciting name.  Maybe I can point out Omar Infante next.  Ibanez has already started to get hot moving into the 2nd half…Yeah, I’m still not excited.

Jay Bruce – Was better in average and homers in the 2nd half of 2010, better in average in 2009 but an injury cut it short and he was better in homers in 2008 but that could’ve been him just finding his footing.  So, in other words, he’s not definitely better in the 2nd half, but if he does it this year, he’ll have a huge year and be a 2nd round draft pick next year.

Drew Stubbs – Solid in the 2nd half of 2010.  With only last year to look at, Stubbs doesn’t have a huge sample size to go on, but that never stopped my ex-girlfriends either.

Alexei Ramirez – Was much better in 2008, not better in 2009 and slightly better in 2010, so that leads us to maybe he’ll be better in 2011.  How’s that for clearing everything up?

Billy Butler – From 2008 to 2010, he has 883 1st half ABs and 19 homers.  In 763 2nd half ABs, he has 28 homers.  So he goes from a homer every 47th at-bat to every 27th at-bat.  Or from a light-hitting middle infielder to light-hitting middle infielder with moobs.  (BTW, Was sad to see the All-Star festivities couldn’t work in a wet t-shirt contest with Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval.  Like that wouldn’t be more entertaining than Nick Jonas playing softball.)

Mark Teixeira – What would a list of post-All-Star break hitters be without Mark Teixeira?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing…

Anyone who’s read this site for a minute — an urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time — knows I have love for Adam Lind.  In an age when the home run is scarce — wow, that sounded like a Ken Burns voiceover — Lind has big time power.  I’m a fan.  Have the pin that reads, “Lind-a-want-stats!”  Sorry, that’s a square pun in a round hole.  Yesterday, he went 4-for-4, 2 homers in his 2nd game back from the DL.  He can still get 30 homers and hits in the heart of a solid order.  I wouldn’t be scared of him, he might just do his best not-this-season Dunn impression.  BTW, Bautista hasn’t hit a homer in 7 games, what a loser!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Shin-Soo Choo – Says DUI is affecting play.  Assuming he doesn’t have to drive relievers in from the bullpen, I say just start drinking before games again.

Jake Peavy – 4 IP, 6 ER.  CBS reported Peavy left start with (groin).  Frankly, I’d be worried if he left a game without (groin).

Alexi Casilla – 7 for his last 11 with three steals.  The window of usability  for Casilla will probably be shorter than Intellivision’s but he’s hot and stealing bases.

Albert Pujols – Clubbed second straight walk off home run.  I know that because it was the big story on Baseball Tonight with, like, seventeen exclamation marks.  Pujols!  Rawr!  He’s back!  Did he go anywhere?  Also, since I usually just watch the games, this was the first time I saw Baseball Tonight in a few years.  I was surprised to find out Doug Glanville has a job.  You think ESPN is like, “Hey, we need a color man– I mean a color commenter–  I mean a commenter– Let’s just hire someone before we get sued.”  Also, Jayson and Laynce Nix’s sister’s got a job.  Her name is Wendi Nix and she has about as much personality as a ill-formed origami crane.  Zach Braddock didn’t have a sleeping disorder, he was just watching too much Wendi Nix.

Lance Berkman – Sat out yesterday after getting a cortisone injection in his wrist.  No more eczema for him.

Ryan Vogelsong – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  There’s no rhyme or reason why he should be pitching this well but like Collmenter before him, you should just ride the tiny ship in the bottle or whatever that cliché is.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s whatever, but this is about my trip up to San Fran this weekend.  I took in a game at Long Distance Carrier Park.  The Giants offense is pathetic.  Without Posey, Belt (out at least a month) and Sandoval, they don’t have one hitter to worry about.  They batted the Latin 37 Tejada, who’s hitting .218 with 1 home run on the year, second.  I’d throw just about any pitcher at them.  On a side note, Giants made such a big deal about Bonds and the record and sticking their heads in the sand when he was selling out their stadium.  Yet, I didn’t see one picture or mention of him anywhere inside the park.  It was like he was Keyser Söze.

Mark Reynolds – Back to back games with a homer.  All brays to Mini Donkey! (But he only has two hits in the last five games.  He’s looking less donkey and more Rob Deer.)

Chris Narveson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, which comes after starts of 4 IP, 5 ER and 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, he’s completely unownable right now.  Pretty K-rate or not.

Brandon Inge – Out with mono.  Bronson Arroyo just had mono.  Cust kayin’.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I don’t think this means he’s done being relevant; he just wasn’t a sub-3.00 ERA pitcher to begin with.  This start did make me happy though, since I foolishly dropped him the first week of the season, and really this is all about me.

Hanley Ramirez – First, he mucks up your team for two months with poor play then he fails to go on the DL for a week.  Hanley doesn’t care about you.

Travis Wood – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Like a satisfied beaver, I’m done with Wood for now.  Beaver, the animal.  Geez.  It’s with regret it had to come to this, because I do think he has great stuff, but you have to look elsewhere.  Just way too unpredictable.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  Maybe Stubbs was tending to his BBQ empire for the last few weeks, but it’s nice to have him back.

Drew Storen – 1/3 IP, 3 ER yesterday and 8 earned runs in his last 6 appearances.  Riggleman took forever to name Storen the closer but won’t take as long to remove him.  Sean Burnett would be the handcuff.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 17th and 18th home runs.  If PABST (Post-All-Star Break’s Stats Teixeira) stays bubbling in the 2nd half as is his wont, he’s heading for an MVP year.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-3 and his 3rd home run and 8th RBI in the last two days.  His career is bouncing back a lot better than Chris Brown in the wake of a Rihanna breakup.

Vicente Padilla – Was due back but neck pain has kept him on the DL.  Who’s the Dodgers closer?  Flip a coin.

Rafael Furcal – To the DL with a strained oblique.  Vague!  I’d drop Furcal unless you have “Days on the DL” as a category in your league.

C.J. Wilson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  To be honest, I have a blind spot, middle relievers that become starters.  At this point, if they convert LaTroy Hawkins to a starter, I’m gonna throw my hands in the air and say he’ll be great.

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 with his 8th home run as he bats .313 on the year.   I’d love to push him more, but he’s a platoon guy at this point.  He either doesn’t play vs. lefties or doesn’t hit them, which hurts his counting stats (on pace for around 60 RBIs on the year).

Jonathan Papelbon – Daniel Bard got the save yesterday after Papelbon lost his shizz on Saturday with a three run third of an inning and bumped the umpire.  Now Papelbon might get punished by the league.  I’d fine any goofy white guy for chest bumping too.

Joakim Soria – A clean outing or two away from reclaiming the closer job.  Makes sense in a non-sarcastic way.

Jordan Lyles – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Sure be easier to say I don’t like him if he were to give up like 12 baserunners or something.  Well, due to the inexperience and the Astros behind him, you have to be careful starting him in any mixed leagues right now.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 11th home run and stole his 6th base.  How does he have only 2 less steals than Bourjos?  Not rhetorical!

Carlos Beltran – Left the game after fouling a ball off his ankle.  He’ll probably miss two months.  I’m only half joking.

Miguel Olivo – It’s with much regret I inform you that Olivo now has three homers in three straight games.  I don’t have anything against Olivo per se, but I know as soon as I write Olivo hits them in bunches like he’s dating the Chiquita Banana lady people are gonna come out of the woodwork in the comments asking if they should lose their catcher for Olivo.

Evan Longoria – Rested on Sunday and will return Monday.  Sounds like someone has a God complex.