Seriously, kid, just don’t. I mean, I’m only streaming you in every league in season long while also touting you in a lead post on Razzball. Do you understand the honor I’m bestowing here? This post has seen names like Kyle Lobstein grace the front page! This shizz is serious. Now that I think about it, I’ve touted Chris Heston before on here too and he stunk up the joint that time out. Hrm…nah, too lazy to change it at this point so let us do what DFS should have taught us by now: not fearing going back to the well. Unless of course your well is on a farm on The Walking Dead and there’s a zombie at the bottom of it. Good lawd, that season made me check out on the series so quickly. So much tension about nothing and where were the flipping zombies!?! If I wanted to watch forced drama, I’d watch reality television, AMC. But where was I? Oh yeah, the well. The reasoning behind why Heston is a good get is still there. He’s solid at home, has a strong K rate vs righties, and the home park helps a little with his lefty struggles. I see Heston as a good cash game play as he makes an easy SP2 to pair with Sale with his price point at $6,300. When you factor in how bad the Mets offense has been of late – they had zero HRs and only 13 runs scored over their last 7 heading into Sunday – there’s a chance for SP1 numbers for chump change. Just don’t make me feel like a chump again, Heston…just don’t. But enough about my love/hate for Chris, let’s get on with it. Here’s my most caliente takes for this Monday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 15 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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When is a remake not a remake? No, this isn’t a riddle. I’m seriously curious how ‘Anaconda’ was considered a new ‘song’. Sure, Nicki Minaj provided some new…um…lyrics? Is cackling after saying ‘uluhdisfadazz’ considered lyrics? Neither here nor there for my original question, I guess so really, taking the exact same beat from a previous rap song while even sampling lyrics from that song is considered a new tune? Cool, BRB, gonna go make my new song ‘Straight Outta Eugene’. Great ideas come from the times I accidentally don’t watch Nicki Minaj on mute on YouTube, I guess. But yeah, sorry, lost myself for a bit; title homage is to Sir Mix-A-Lot. The LA Ace is of course Kershaw who’s spendy as all get out today but I really want to talk to you about that Oakland Goody in Jesse Chavez. Jesse is the classic home schooler as his ERA in O.Co (2.41) is nearly a run and a half lower than it is on the road (3.78). It also helps that his opponent for the day is the Mariners who have been an offensive wasteland for most of the year. It also helps the Mariners have been at or near the bottom in team K% for most of the year. All signs point to a solid return on that $7,000 price tag which you can pair with Clayton’s $13,100 and still build a solid squad for your cash games. Even if you don’t go with Clayton, locking in Chavez as your SP2 ain’t a bad idea. It’s better than tossing someone’s salad like your name was Romaine…sorry, those ‘lyrics’ are still haunting me. But enough about Nicki Minaj nightmares, let’s get on with it. Here’s my booty-liscious takes for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Go chalk, they’ll tell you. Play and pay up for the studs each time they pitch, they’ll say. It’s all about trusting the process.

Most of the time, I agree with this. I’ve made it no secret that I prefer to pay up big for the top starter of the day if it’s warranted. Today, in a 8-game slate (I’m counting the Phillies and Brewers), Max Scherzer is without a doubt the top-priced pitcher.

However, is his astronomical $14,500 price tag worth it against the Freddie Freeman-less Atlanta Braves? Or, is it better to save nearly $5,000 and go for the still-good-but-not-dominant Tyson Ross?

Here are two lineups that features both of them. You make the call.

Straight to the cash, homie.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 15 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Poker players tend to make good DFS players.  Some of the top DFS pros are former poker pros.  I think there are several reasons for this occurrence.  First, there’s the element of the grind that is familiar, then there’s of course a similar aspect with bankroll management and also there’s a familiarity with odds and statistics.  There’s a lot of carry over and I want to chat a little about one of my favorite carry overs.  Most self respecting poker players have at least perused Doyle Brunson’s Super System.  This book is a bible on playing power poker.  For those that might be unfamiliar with the book and/or the term, it’s an aggressive style of play, but not being aggressive just for the sake of being aggressive.  It’s calculated aggression.  One of my favorite takeaways from this book was playing your rushes.  The cliff notes of Brunson’s thoughts when it comes to playing a rush is this: after he wins a hand in no limit hold ‘em, he plays the very next hand regardless of what two cards he is dealt.  If he wins that hand, he’s in the very next one and so on and so forth until he loses a hand.  In each of these subsequent hands, he’s a little more loose than normal.  This is something I always do when I play cards and it carries over to DFS for me as well.  If I have a winning night, you can bet I’ll be playing the next night.  If I win again, I’ll be right in there the next night as well, this time maybe making a jump to a higher buy-in tournament than I typically play.  Rudy would probably jump all over this saying there’s no data that backs up “running hot” or being on a “heater”, but that’s no fun.  There’s times where the lineups almost build themselves and things just click.  Maybe it’s a little thought of player that you’re riding or an underpriced player you are plugging and playing (Billy Burns at under $3K for 3 weeks anyone?).  Whatever the reason, have a little fun with your winnings and take a couple shots when you’re hot.  Now, let’s get to some picks to start that hot streak.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 18 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Max Scherzer against the Phillies. If there was ever a chance to redeem yourself in losing a perfect game on the last out the very next day, this would be the pitcher and the team to do so. From a daily fantasy perspective, I’ve always said that in order for a pitcher to pay for his price, he has to have a reasonable expectation of doing 2 things: Allow 3 runs or less, and strike out 1 batter for every thousand dollars you pay. You may ask why I don’t include innings or hits in this formula of mine, and it is a valid question. For one, if a pitcher has allowed less than 3 runs up to a certain point, he has a good chance of remaining in the game. Also, if a pitcher is going to strikeout plenty of hitters, he must pitch plenty of innings, therefore that basis is completely covered. I don’t worry about hits so much, because they tend to correlate with runs scored and high contact rates (which pitchers that strike hitters out typically don’t have). So this all begs the question, “is Max Scherzer worth paying 14K for on DraftKings?” My answer is no. Now to preface this, you will never find someone that lends themselves to the “pay for pitching” mantra than myself. The reason I say no does not boil down to one simple point, but rather to many. My first reason to avoid Scherzer is that while the Phillies are the worst in basically every hitting category ever, they actually don’t strike out that much. Even against one of the more strikeout prone teams such as the Astros or Cubs, I would have a hard time giving any pitcher the reasonable expectation to reach 14 strikeouts. Another reason, maybe even bigger so than the first, is the fact that there are so many other solid, high-upside options for 3-5K cheaper. So should you pay 14K for 14 Ks? Yes! Should you pay 14K for Scherzer today? No!

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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So I pulled up MLB.com on Wednesday morning and clicked the calendar over to Thursday’s games to get an idea of what I would be working with for tonight’s slate. I saw three night games. Yes, three.

I made the two-hour drive to New York City, and hailed a cab to 245 Park Avenue to the office of the commissioner of baseball. After a brief — 10 hour — meeting, I made my pitch, but he ruled against me and kept the slate so small. If I couldn’t convince Rob Manfred to change things up, I’m not sure how Tom Brady will do.

Alas, I emailed one of our fearless editors, and he informed me that the show must go on.

So, let’s take a look at this mess… err… mesmerizing slate. Yeah, that works.

Straight to the cash, homie.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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I just can’t resist myself when it comes to a baaaaad sheep pun and my buddy Jake Lamb. Jake’s had a pretty rough go of things since coming off the DL including being 0 for his last 10. Do you know what can end a rough patch faster than a scalded dog? A trip to Coors field, that’s what. The Diamondbacks pack up and head from Coors South to Coors Coors and I’m going to be all over Jake Lamb while he visits. Because of Lamb’s missed time it’s hard to get a great read on where he’s at as a hitter. In his 22 games so far this season he’s got an identical wOBA as his teammate, Yasmany Tomas (.342) and a very similar SLG percentage (.418 vs. .429). Looking back to his minor league numbers last season we can see he was just obliterating AA (.318/.399/.551). The kid can hit and with the Coors assist I like him to have a nice few days.

As for the second part of my title, DraftKings is running a fun little survivor tournament that starts tonight. I’m a big fan of these style tournaments, I think they are lots of fun. You can read the details on the tournament here. This is the first of three of these they will be running at various price points. The one tonight happens to be their “medium” tournament. The smallest stake event will feature a $5 buy-in and if you’ve never done one before, I encourage you to give it a whirl. The biggest deal is, you need to have the 4 days to be able to build a lineup. For the most part you play each day as you would a regular 50/50 game. Survive the second day and you’re in the money. If you make it to the final day, you’ve made your money back and can shoot for the moon and the 30 grand top prize. Not bad for a $27 buy-in. I said for the most part you can play this as a regular 50/50 because I tend to be a little more aggressive in these tournaments than a typical 50/50. The reason is, the pros and those with money to burn will be running some large trains in this thing, trying to push through multiple entries to the end and the guaranteed money. I’m not saying to go totally crazy but when choosing between Byron Buxton and Torii Hunter for your final roster spot, lean towards the upside. Here’s a couple more picks to help you survive tonight…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 18 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Whoa there, friend. Don’t go there. You really, REALLY read that title wrong. This isn’t Brazzersball, this is Razzball so you keep your dirty thoughts to yourself…or share them in the comments! There’s no double entendre going on here. I’m suggesting nothing lewd when I suggest you play Hector Santiago. Or maybe I am? It does seem a bit crude of me to suggest someone who’s been playing above his peripherals all year. That 2.71 ERA and that 4.51 xFIP will surely meet and become one in the future, especially when you consider his low ground ball rates and his mediocre K:BB ratio. He’s a bit of a mirage but when you’re in the desert, I’ll take a pretend oasis over staring at the arid vastness. We have a seven game slate tonight so stumping for upside outside of the major names can be tough. And hell, what am I even saying? He’s SP6 in terms of price on the day at $7,200. That said, the Astros…well maybe you’ve heard this before but they strike out a lot. Their lineup is basically 9 Adam Dunns of varying height and girth because they’re all three true outcome types of players. Given that Hector gets to pitch in a relatively friendly pitchers’ park and that he’s at home, I’m willing to make him my SP2 today in cash games and possibly my SP1 in tourneys. Mmm, that sweet, sweet Hector…ahem, I mean Nectar. I think? But enough about my my confusion over sweet, sugary liquids, let’s move on. Here’s my emoji fire takes on today’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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While the rest of the DFS Grinding world tilts their way through the US Open golf tournament (and the Milly Maker that goes with it) this weekend, I’ll be over here watching baseball and praying the rain goes away. What a nightmare the rain has been for DraftKings players. Knowing what games to play and what games to avoid when over half of the games have a significant chance of rain has been very difficult. Today is a new day. Let’s get to baseball. After a slow start, Chris Sale has really turned it on. His strikeout totals (from most recent to furthest away) over the last 5 games have been 12, 14, 13, 12, and 10. Talk about DFS gold. The Rangers have a tendency to strike out against lefties as it is, and Sale should have plenty of them. His strikeout floor would be 7 or 8, so even if he gives up some runs, he’ll score some points for you. He’s as safe as they come today.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Truth up front: this be a punt. You want me to extol the virtues of Mike Montgomery and I just don’t have that much smoke to blow up your pretty little tush. Today there are a lot of great pitching options at the top and very few pitchers I wanna take chances on below so this call is really me going ‘hey, what does the Teamonator say about home team win percentage chances?’ and abiding by it accordingly. Basically, at this low price of $5,400 I’m hoping for 15-17 points of production as I pair him with a high end arm and some sweet power bats. All this to say, I do not expect Montgomery to be excellent but I expect his price tag to help you build a lineup that is. But enough about The Simpsons, let’s get through this. Here’s my scalding hot takes for this Thursday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?