Fantasy Baseball Advice

Evan Longoria is out 3 weeks with an oblique injury.  He’s not to pick up a bat, ball or AK-47.  Looks like the oblique is still the number one injury that no one has any clue about.  Intercostal injury twirls its Snidely Whiplash mustache and plots its revenge.  For those who lost Holliday and Longoria this weekend, I’m pouring some Mad Dog out for you.  BTW, I was just thinking something… CAN WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THE OBLIQUE AND HOW TO PREVENT THESE INJURIES?  Seriously, modern medicine step up your game!  There’s gotta be something that we can do.  Have we tried to apply dolphin tears to the sore area?  If I were on Celebrity Apprentice, I’d be playing for a cure for oblique injuries.  This injury should guarantee everyday ABs for Sean Rodriguez.  Great, that eases my pain.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Out up to a month for an appendectomy?  Isn’t this an outpatient procedure?  My friend in high school had out his appendix then funneled a forty of Old E to ease the soreness.  Granted, he was mental and is now in prison, but c’mon… Buck up, players!  I own some of you in fantasy.  Having a similar procedure last year, Andres Torres returned after 11 days.  Corey Hart took 4 weeks, but he’s Amish.  I think Holliday will be out 3 weeks.  It’s too early in the season for them to rush him back.  The Federalist, Jon Jay should see most of the time in his stead.  Allen Craig will see the occasional ABs though, so in most leagues I wouldn’t add either.

Mike Minor – He’s back.  But it may not be for long.  Jar-Jar is set to make a rehab start on April 11th then potentially return after that.  So you’re looking at two maybe more starts from Minor.  I’d add him in all leagues, but I wouldn’t drop anyone worthwhile yet.  Because I’m psychic, I’ll answer your question right now.  Beachy over Minor for now.

Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Murray Chass — 1.  “Newfangled stats” that said Garcia would regress — 0.

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  How about the gutsy performances the Hodgepadres gave this weekend away from home?  Sheer force-itude!    Wait a second, I’m now looking at the Cards lineup.  Hmm… They may as well bat the pitcher fourth.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 12 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!  That’s a real nice sign even vs. the Pirates since their hitting isn’t its usual crizzap self.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with a homer.  He was in the post about hitters who do well in April.  I’d give him the month to see if it holds.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 2nd homer.  Not much of a limb here, but he could hit 30 homers.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Kinsler also hit his third homer in yesterday’s game.  Over IM, Rudy said something like, “If Cruz, Hamilton and Kinsler were to play 155+ games, they’d all be MVP candidates.”  And that’s me paraphrasing Rudy!

Fernando Rodney – He’s hot garbage.  No.  He’s cold garbage that you take out of the trash can, put in the microwave and serve in a dirty ashtray.  The bullpen is in tatters.  Shattered.  I grabbed Takahashi in a few leagues because the Sciosciapath may see that he has closing experience and get the giggles.  Though I would grab Walden first, then Jepsen; they were, unfortunately, gone in my leagues.

Bobby Abreu – 4-for-4, homer.  Another guy that was in the best April hitters post.  Cust kayin’.

Howie Kendrick – 2 homers yesterday, 3 in four games.  I liked Kendrick coming into this year, and now I’m check raising to the bettor that he has a solid season.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 1 RBI and batted third.  Cool, do it for another five straight months and all will be forgiven for the three years of anguish you put me through.

Ryan Hanigan – 4-for-4, 2 homers.  You ever wanna wonder if everyone in the world has a doppelganger but because there’s so many people you’ll never meet them?  Like somewhere there’s a Brian Hanigan who looks and acts exactly like Ryan Hanigan, but, instead of catching in the Major Leagues, Brian Hanigan lives in Fiji and catches coconuts when they fall from palm trees.  Yeah, maybe it’s me.  Hanigan could push Ramon Hernandez into a backup role rather than the timeshare they’re in.  But, as of right now, Hanigan might be tough to own in one catcher mixed leagues.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  2010 called, they want your insane year back.  I still believe Bautista won’t come close to last year.  If he has twenty homers by the All-Star Break, then I’ll send out my mea culpas and buy everyone a Frosty from Wendy’s.*  *Offer not good in the 48 contiguous states, Canada or anywhere else.

Joe Nathan – Got the save but gave up an earned run.  I’d continue to hold Capps.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers, and one late Saturday night with Charlie Sheen.

Brennan Boesch – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 1 homer and was hitting third because the unreliable-to-stay-healthy Maggs was out.  It’s a situation worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks but the Win.  There should be a glossary term for when your pitcher does awful but because you get the win, you’re sorta okay with it.  Please make suggestions in the comments.

Phil Hughes – 4 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K and the Yanks pitching coach is concerned about his loss in velocity.  I wanted nothing to do with Hughes this year.  I.e., if you Hughes, you lose.

Jorge Posada – 2 homers.  Hip Hop Jorge!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Note to Self:  If Masterson has two more quality starts, start touting him as a pickup.  Note to Self, II:  You know as soon as you tout him he’s gonna kick you in the nads.  Note to Self, III:  There’s no Note to Self, III.

Carl Crawford – Dropped to 7th in the lineup.  Wow, Francona is like one of those crazy fantasy managers that drops their fifth round pick because they went 0-for-5.  Not naming any names.  Though there’s a few of you that might qualify.

Carlos Gomez – 1 for his last 8 with three Ks.  He was in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but he could also be on the bench by April 15th.

Brian Matusz – Going to the DL with a strained intercostal muscle.  Watch out oblique!  I’m gaining on you!  He’s a marginal 10/12-team mixed league starter at this point (mainly because of AL East and his crappy team) so you can drop him if you don’t have an open DL spot.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First Brandon Belt, now Britton.  It’s hard to believe in Oriole SP prospects for mixed league play after the mixed results of Matusz (and Tillman and Arrieta and the Razztastic, Brad Bergesen).  Britton doesn’t project as well as Matusz, but he induces a lot of ground balls which should limit his downside.  And while his K-rate isn’t stellar, it’s not Buehrle-bad (7.60 per 9 IP in AAA).  For now, Britton’s a viable match-up candidate (I’d like to say great for the pun) assuming he’s not going against the AL East, Texas, or at Chicago.

Kyle Drabek – KD left us with a constant craving for more – giving up only one hit and 3 walks with 7 K’s in 7 innings.  I haven’t seen Twins abused that bad since this one porn…. Drabek’s a must-own in deep leagues but still pretty marginal for 10-12 team leagues.

J.P. Arencibia – 2 HRs and a triple on Friday.  Thatsa one spicy hitting line!  From now on, he will be known as Napolito.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  May not have made this known as much as I should’ve, but I absolutely love Wood.  Okay, that sounded wrong.  I’d definitely grab Wood.  Okay, still wrong.

R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I don’t like Dickey.  Hmm, this has devolved, hasn’t it?

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, though when I saw the score was 11-2 I did have a bit of Ticker Shock.

Mike Morse – 1 for his first 9.  The retractable leash is stopped and soon I’m gonna start pulling him in.

Brian Wilson – Ready to return from his oblique injury.  Because of the mysterious Yin-Yang nature of the oblique, I blame Wilson’s good health for Longoria’s injury.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Might miss his next start because he switched manicurists and his cuticle was cut.  His plan is to try and heal his finger by soaking it in pickle juice, which sounds like a cure out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding or a Judy Blume book.

Bud Norris – 4 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Not great.  We’re in agreement on that point, but four came in the first (three were a homer by Howard), then he settled down.

Brett Wallace – 0-for-3, batting .091 so far.  His uncle George Wallace is not smiling in a blue suit at Brett’s performance so far.

Mike Stanton – Has a strain in one of his pony sticks, but he should be back in a few days.

Javier Vazquez – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners.  Hey, at least he didn’t run over my dog.  I have very little patience with this schmohawk.  I’m not dropping him in my leagues yet, but I’m making contingency plans.  If I’m using the word contingency correctly.

Donnie Murphy – Will miss a day or two after being hit on the wrist.  Must’ve been Murph’s past coming back.  “I did some bad things, Fredi.”  That’s from Ben Affleck’s new movie where a Boston ex-con becomes a major leaguer but can’t escape his past.  “Hey, Sully, what the fick is a Mahlin?”  Starring Ben Affleck as Donnie Murphy!  And Casey Affleck as Chris Coghlan!  Ben Affleck, “Hey, Matty, how about you and me in a movie for old time’s sake?”  “Ask Renner.”  “You can use your Boston accent.”  “Ask Robin.”  “What, cause I’m not Martin Friggin’ Scorcese?  Where was Mahtin when you got in a fight in high school with Big Fitzy?”

Maybe the fuel you need to burn the desire deep in your belly to be a better ballplayer comes from a fresh start. Maybe you need people to tell you you can’t do something before you can do something. Maybe this is how Morgan Freeman really talks and not just in voiceovers. Nyjer Morgan is going to get that fresh start in the city by the bay.  (Green Bay, but whatever.) This throws a bit of a quagmire into the centerfield situation.  If I am indeed using the word ‘quagmire’ correctly.  Roenicke said it’s CarGo Lite’s job to lose.  I think Melvin is lying to us or himself.  Gomez is bad at — hmm, how do I put it?  — baseball.  I think the ABs break down to Morgan getting 350 and CarGo Lite getting 200.  If I had to bet on one, I’d bet on Nyjer.  This doesn’t mean I think he’s terrific either.  He was caught stealing 17 times last year.  That’s A to the Trocious.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Roger Bernadina – He’s not at mixed league value yet, but, with the clearing of Morgan, Bernadina now only has to beat Ankiel.  Oh, bee tee dubya, Ankiel’s not good.  I could see Bernadina being one of those guys that goes from not being on anyone’s team to being on everyone’s team by the end of the year.

Mat Latos – Scratched on Saturday due to a sore shoulder, but may not go to the DL.  So far in the Spring Training-thingie-ma-whosie-thing that is going on, Latos has given up 10 earned in 10 innings.  I was not out on a limb when I said you should not draft him in any league this year.  Lots of people were saying this.  If you decided to not heed the words of Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (Grey Albright, FML), then you probably won’t listen to me now, but you really should try and sell Latos for sixty-five cents on the dollar.  You goofed by drafting him and he’s gonna be dirty, dust balls this year.  At some point in the next two months, you’re gonna have to DL him for 60+ days.  I’m being serious.

Clint Barmes – Out for a month or two with a broken bone in his hand.  Luckily, the Astros have someone who can hit just as well as Barmes with a broken hand, Tommy Manzella.

Tommy Hunter – Will miss over a month with a strained groin.  Looks like we won’t be seeing his O face for a while.  (Speaking of O faces, I hooked up with my first single Mom recently.  All I kept thinking of was Tidwell telling Jerry Maguire not to shoplift the pooty from a single mom.  Okay, that wasn’t all I kept thinking of.  The thing that kept running through my mind was how a child came out of there.  Was like this thing that I had thought of in only one way my whole life suddenly was something else.  Anyhoo!)

Homer Bailey – Will miss two starts on the 15-day DL with a shoulder impingement.  At some point between ranking the top 80 starters and now, I grew sick of Bailey.  Has he ever strung more than three good starts together in his career?  Kinda rhetorical.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 6th homer of the spring.  You heard it here first, Kendrys is getting Pipp’d out!

Brandon McCarthy – Named the 5th starter in Oakland.  As of right now, not really much here outside of AL-Only leagues.  He could scratch above a 6 K/9 and around a 4.25 ERA if things break right.  Or he could get injured again and be out for the season.  I believe McCarthy is just relieved he wasn’t traded to the Reds.

Aaron Heilman – Was named the D-Backs fifth starter.  I picture he’ll have appeal for match-ups.  For what it’s Wuertz, so far in the spring, Heilman’s been getting emulsified.

Eric Young Jr. – Was optioned to the minor league camp.  All my emoticons are at half-mast.  He’ll come back at some point and do what he was born to do, but for now you have to cut bait.

Mike Leake – Will take over one of the rotation spots freed up by Cueto and Bailey’s DL stints.  As mentioned in the top 80 starters, I’m not a fan of Leake.  No Ks, too many walks.  Maybe in a few years, but right now he’s an avoid like The Noid.

Andrew Cashner – Won the 5th starter spot on the Cubs…er…Silva lost it.  Cashner has nice Ks and is worth an NL-Only flyer, but I’d stay away for now in mixed leagues.  He walks too many people.

Matt Young – Only interesting for those in NL-Only leagues, Young made the team and he has 40 steal speed.  Right now, he’s just depth, but he’s worth keeping an eye on in case McLousy returns to form or if there’s an injury.

Joe Nathan – Will start the season as the closer, but this can change at a moment’s notice.  Keep cuffing Capps. (Alliteration in lieu of wit!)

Ryan Doumit – Snyder might have to open the season on the DL, so Doumit could see everyday ABs.  I’d say he could run with the job, but that would likely injure him too.  Maybe he can walk with the job.

Brad Lidge – Will open the season on the DL due to shoulder pain.  Shocker!  Exclamation Point Police, “That’s sarcastic, we get it.  A period would’ve conveyed the same.”  I’d grab Madson and hope he can suppress his Cuddle Boy tendencies.  Contreras, the AARP Man of the Year, could also see save chances.  Charlie Manuel said, “I’ve had more closers than a dog has fleas.  Now watch as I smash my thumb with a hammer so I forget about my toothache.”  BTW, Charlie Manuel’s old timey-isms made their way to the fantasy baseball team name generator.

Donnie Murphy – Looks like the Marlins went an entirely different way than I thought they would.  Bonifacio will be the super futility man and Donnie Murphy, who sounds like a Boston police officer — C’mon, Murph!  We ain’t causing no harm! — will be the 3rd baseman.  He’s useless in all leagues that needs things like hitting and whatnot.

Yunesky Maya – Sent down to Triple-A.  When Riggleman was asked why he chose Gorzelanny and not Maya, he said, “We’re trying to tire the opposing coach when filling out the scorecard.”

Chris Dickerson – Weird move by the Brew Crew to trade Dickerson to the Yankees for Mitre.  Unfortunately, any sneaky sleeper value Dickerson once had goes out the window.  He’s not the type of player the Yankees give any significant playing time to, i.e., he’s a good player with no name recognition.

Bronson Arroyo – Has mono.  Too bad his guitar playing is in stereo.

Here’s what I said in January, “I’m just going to point out one negative. In 650 ABs, he walked 33 times and struck out 109 times. He’s got speed; he’s in a great hitting park. He will not hit .288 again. At the first sign of struggle, he starts swinging for the fences and he goes into a deep funk. Hitters who don’t take walks fall into slumps. Do yourself a favor and let someone else draft Phillips. Projections: 80/19/75/.240/25 and is benched in July because his slump is “all in his head.”” And that is me quoting me. Through yesterday’s game Brandon Phillips is at 10/2/6/.250/3 with 20 Ks and 6 walks through 88 at-bats. Also, his BABIP is above the league average, so he actually is doing better than he should. As Rich Dad would say, Brandon Phillips is a liability, not an asset. Will he become completely unusable? I think he could. That’s not to say he will. It’s a bad sign when there’s chance. Don’t trade him for a Sportflics Canseco rookie card and a can of cola, but I would entertain offers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Carlos Gomez – He homered yesterday, but I don’t think that’s an indication of great things on the horizon. As I said two weeks ago, a guy who tries to bunt with two strikes to get on base is not really someone you want to invest too heavily in. Picture this: Guy buys a Ferrari, but can’t afford gas.

Francisco Liriano – I told you to trade him two weeks ago. He has no value now.

Johnny Cueto – I began writing a strongly-worded letter to Dusty Baker when he let Cueto bat in the fifth inning, but Cueto surprised me and made short work of the Astros in the sixth and seventh inning. I feel like Cueto’s my little brother and I have to defend him, but he really only made a few mistakes in this entire game and half of them were to Berkman, who is on fire right now.

Corey Patterson – Was good to see him get the start against a righty (it’s bad that it’s not a given). Then Dusty pulled him for Freel when he was about to face a different righty. Oh, Dusty, you do have your way, huh? Corey made a baserunning mistake prior to getting yanked; he’s now probably further in the doghouse. He better give Jayson Nix a call for some moral support.

Brian “The Brain” McCann – He was the only top catcher I liked coming into this season for his value versus ADP. Hasn’t disappointed thus far, not to mention his slide into third for his triple was like a Triple Lindy gone bad.

Dustin McGowan – Seven walks. Sixteen on the season. Like when a girl calls you after a first date and says, “I had a really good time tonight.” Too much, too soon.

Jayson Werth – Four home runs and a .300 average. When The Flying Hawaiian returns, Jenkins isn’t going to play a whole lot.

Donnie Murphy – 2 home runs yesterday. Still nothing to see here.

Cliff Lee – For those wondering where this is coming from, he did finish fourth in the Cy Young voting in 2005 when he won 18 games and posted a sub-4.00 ERA. Though the strikeouts to this point are high. If you can move him for Wainwright or Maine, I would.

Miguel Olivo – I thought the lack of Miguel Cabrera post-home run hugs and booty slaps might affect Olivo adversely, but he’s hit three home runs in ten games.

Rafael Betancourt – In case you forgot because he hadn’t recorded a save yet, he is the closer.

Melky Cabrera – 4 home runs and counting.

Adam Melhouse – Injured his right hand. Whoopie-dee-doo, right? If he goes down, Salty comes back. Come again? You need a catcher, right? JARROD SALTALAMACCHIA might get the call-up. (I kinda hope he doesn’t cause his name is a nightmare to spell.)

Mike Napoli – 5 home runs and counting. Does it really matter if he’s not starting every game?

Chad Billingsley – I’m going to try a little experiment. Before the game starts, I’m writing this *****GUESS ALERT: Billingsley’s going to strikeout a lot because the D-Backs are swing-happy, he’ll walk a few cause that’s what he do, and he’ll still lose.***** Okay, I’m back. Wow, I did pretty well. And so did Chad, 12 Ks and only two walks. Very nice, but he still gave up five runs. I have no idea how he pulled that off because I had to watch Survivor. SPOILER ALERT: I can’t believe Jason, James and Erik didn’t try something. They made me embarrassed to be a man (as if it’s not embarrassing enough watching Survivor). James needs to stop talking about Eve and the stupid apple and start playing the game. And when did they develop Natalie’s character? Um, never. She was completely out of left field. You need to plant the seeds that someone is an -ocker short of a rocker. Okay, Survivor rant over. Sorry.

Nomar Garciaparra – He’s batting third. The Dodgers’ offense called and they said they wanted Mike Piazza back. They’d even take ’07 Piazza. (BTW, You know that twitchy shizz Nomar does before he gets into the box? You think he does that before he gets into Mia’s box? If Mia were to let him.