Fantasy Baseball Advice

After 85 years, Yankee Stadium closed its doors last night. Some of the landmark feats that occurred there include, Dale Berra once did a line of coke in the very place where his Dad said something bordering on stupid, but was misconstrued as brilliant, Bernie Williams once tossed a guitar pick to Jeter who used it to de-semenate Jessica Alba and Babe Ruth once told Lou Gehrig, “You should’ve just got herpes like me.” But alas Yankee Stadium’s bidding us adieu. Here’s hoping all of the graffiti artists, trench-coated scalpers, pickpockets and general nogoodniks find their way across the street to the new park. Maybe they can drive a stolen car over there. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Devine – Devine was called on to pickup his first save in yesterday’s game. So Ziegler was overworked, right? Wrong. Ziegler was brought into the eighth inning, yet there was no discernible reason why he worked the eighth and was not saved (punny!) for the ninth. The only reason that seems plausible is the A’s want Devine to be their closer in 2009, with Ziegler taking the 7th or 8th innings, and sometimes both. Both pitcher profile better for these roles and Devine has done all he needs to do to prove himself this year. His ERA and WHIP are almost as fly as my mustache.

John Lackey – 6 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER and 12 Ks. Later this week, he might get nothing but a tuneup for the playoffs.

Hank Blalock – HR yesterday. Mentioned to pickup Blalock on Friday. Somehow he made it through the whole weekend without injuring himself so he’s still an add.

Chone Figgins – Back in the starting lineup finally after being sidelined with SSE — Scrawny Sore Elbow. The Angels will probably continue to rest him here and there this week, so he’s no guarantee to play in every game.

Garrett Atkins – HR yesterday for his 20th. Supposed to hit 20 home runs by the All-Star break. Did he get old at the age of 28 or something?

Paul Konerko – HR yesterday. 9 home runs since August 1st, which isn’t exactly a new record or anything, but he’s been usable, especially with the injuries he’s battled.

Scott Lewis – 5 IP, 3 ER. Recorded the win, but barely got out of this one alive as he walked or allowed a base hit to just about everyone he saw.

Diasuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 0 ER. Supposed to start on Friday, but you should be prepared for him to throw a short game as he prepares for the playoffs.

David Ortiz – 4th home run in the last 6 games. Pure speculation on my part, but it seems like he got a cortisone shot in his wrist and now it’s paying dividends as the Sawx head to the playoffs. Just as the people on Yawkey would want it. (Again, I’m not a doctor and I don’t even know if you can get a cortisone shot in your wrist. This is all Cust kayin’.)

Roy Oswalt – Only throw 79 pitches so he can throw 80 more in three days if the Astros are still in the Wildcard race, then will start again next Monday if there’s reason to make up the game with the Cubs.

Adam LaRoche – Sore hamstring took him out of the game. He day-to-day, which is slightly less painful than listening to Soul 2 Soul.

Pablo Sandoval – Missed the last two games because of a strained quad. During a press conference, Sandoval’s strained quad said, “Have you seen the size of the guy I’m helping carry around? Next question!” Apparently strained relations, as well.

As Sean Connery says, “Shituation: Dire.” Rios has been the pea under your mattress. The splinter in your paw. The tighty-whitey stain that your fourth grade classmates saw when you were changing for gym and have teased you about for the rest of your life (but maybe that was just me). Alexis Rios wasn’t a random stab in the dark when I pegged him for a terrific year in 2008. I wasn’t driving through the desert, high on peyote, when a random Native American said to me, “Rios will be good this year and make sure to hit the slots at Mohegan Sun.” So it’s disappointing when Rios’s slump looks amaranthine (Word of the Day, and I’m not even sure it’s used correctly, so try to use context clues), but there has to be an end in sight, doesn’t there? Yes, I believe there is an end to his struggles. But, for the record, Rudy and I disagree on this. Rudy says he should be sold. Well, whatever. Then I’m going down with the U.S.S. Rios. Rios’s gone through months like this before and he’s come out of it. Sure, his lineup looks like it should be in the AAGPBL, but I’m buying.  Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball hitters and pitchers to buy and sell:

BUY

Chris Perez – Isringhausen could be done done. To define those italics. Isringhausen is too old, too tired and Chris Perez is too heffin’ good. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Izzy hang up the cleats and retire (then return in two years as the Rays closer.) But can Ryan Franklin hold off Chris Perez? About as well as Britney Spears’s kids have of staving off rehab in twelve years. I think Perez could have fifteen saves this year and excellent peripherals. He’s not a starter that is biding his time in middle relief. He was a closer in the minors. A closer with terrific numbers.

Curtis Granderson – As most of you know, I think Curtis blows. But I’m starting to think, no one likes him, so whenever everyone starts zigging, you gotta look to zag. Now don’t zag for the sake of zagging — nobody likes a willy-nilly zagger! — but if you can move Pat Burrell and Joe Saunders or someone of their ilk for Granderson, you gotta consider it.

Corey Hart – Might be too late to buy because of his recent streak. As Alexis Rios and Corey Hart prove, invest in speedy OFs with girl first names!

Joey Devine – In a couple of leagues where I had Casilla, I’ve moved to Waking Joey Devine.

Matt Garza – 3 earned runs in almost 20 innings since coming off the DL. He’s a very capable pitcher with good K numbers in the minors. The only drawback is the Twins gave him to the Rays and the Twins know pitching. Damn you, Twinkies, what do you know that I don’t?!

Bobby Crosby – If he stays healthy, he could give you 20 home runs and a belch-worthy average.

Adam Wainwright – I’m still onboard the love train. He was a mess in the first half of ’07, but in the second half, he cut his runs allowed by almost half, his home runs allowed by more than half and he showed stamina. Don’t let his last two starts get you down.

Mike Cameron – I see Krispie Young Sr. on waivers in a lot of leagues. In ESPN leagues, he’s only 20% owned. (Of course, I do believe five thousand 3rd graders draft ESPN teams then abandon them, but still.) I’m sporting Cameron on a ten team mixed league and I’m getting what I expect. For a fifth outfielder, you can do worse. On the team I have him, I’m balancing his shizzy average with Youk.

Vladimir Guerrero – So he’s as limber as Ron Kovic, this isn’t something new.

Jose Contreras – Okay, so he remembers when they called movies “talkies” — whatever, he’s solid when healthy and he’s been healthy.

Johnny Damon/Robinson Cano – I’ve beat these horses before, but I still believe.

SELL

Ben Sheets – I’ve said it before. Ben Sheets can win the Cy Young. Know what else? Hillary can win the nomination. Andy Milonakis can be funny. I can date Mila Kunis without incurring criminal charges. Now will is an entirely different matter. Will Hillary win the nomination? I suppose if whatever state Obama is in collapses into the core of the earth. Will fatty ever be funny? I suppose if he steals better jokes. Will I date Kunis? If I can get rid of Culkin, you better believe it. So will Sheets win the Cy Young? He hasn’t made it to 30 starts since ’04. That year he had 264 Ks and 32 walks. Go ahead look at those numbers again. Yeah, they’re insane. That was coupled with a 2.70 ERA. He has pinpoint control and filthy stuff. Yeah, I’m a fan. Unfortunately, he could get injured in a pillow fight with your niece. So as much as I like him, I’m passing.

Edinson Volquez – In the comments recently someone asked about Edinson. Here’s what I said, “You see what’s happening with Cueto right now? Yeah, Volquez will be seeing him in the ‘kinda not startable’ category soon. Edinson’s a great pitcher but very, very rarely does a pitcher arrive in the majors and never hit a correction period. Could he avoid it? I suppose, but you don’t bet on the least likely thing to happen. You’re playing with house money right now and you need to cash out and move on.” Admit it, I take your breath away like Dr. Kevorkian.

Adrian Gonzalez – Don’t fall in love with his first half numbers. Let’s put it this way, he says to Teixeira, “You complete me.” Now don’t sell him for Luis Hernandez and a bottle of Valtrex and say, “Look, Grey, I did good!”

Jon Garland – Don’t make the same mistake The Town That Bobby Grich Built Angels made. He’s not a great pitcher.

Jon Lester/Doug Davis – As Hank said in the comments the other day, “Damn, cancer really is the new AIDS. Free plane tickets, no-hitters, and sympathy rotation spots. ‘What kind of cancer do you have? The All-Over kind.’” Meanwhile, Casey Kotchman writes in his journal, “Mono is not good enough!”

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuuuuuuuk is not a 2nd half hitter.

Joe Saunders – Rudy said this the other day in the comments, “Saunders is projected as a low K pitcher with around 5.00 ERA and 1.50 WHIP. His 3.6 K/9 IP and 1.6 K/BB ratios are AWFUL. The only real change from his performance last year is that he’s getting lucky with balls that are in play – it’s .240 instead of an expected .300.” And that’s me quoting Rudy!

Billy Butler – I’m gonna pull a Willie Randolph and say it’s racist if people still have Butler on their team. If he were black or Isiah Thomas or Herm Edwards, he would not be on your team. And that’s egregious! So let’s all get along and drop Butler. Now doesn’t that feel good?

In his first major league start, Max Scherzer didn’t look like Jobacum, Linecum and Joba’s love child, just a nervous rookie pitcher. You see a lot of unearned runs and you think to yourself, “Leave it to the Baby-Backs to fark up my man Jobacum.” Yeah, that was a gift by the official scorer. That call could’ve went either way and I think it probably should’ve been a hit. So the ERA should’ve been higher. Balls were hit hard. To paraphrase Randy Jackson, “He didn’t look so pitchy, dawg.” With just 119 1/3 innings last season and Doug Davis set to press him for his rotation spot when he returns, Scherzer probably won’t stick in the rotation. Doug Davis is far from a sure thing, but Scherzer’s innings are really the concern. I could see Scherzer put into a long relief role within a month to make sure Jobacum doesn’t blow his load. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto – C’mon, he looks ridunkous. Are you kidding me? 41/8 K/BB. That’s nasty. Seriously, that alone is really all you need to know. I’ve watched him pitch every game and that number is not misrepresenting anything. When I was watching him today I realized something, the batter knows what’s coming and still can’t hit it! (Sorry for the exclamation point, but I felt it was necessary.) This is tremendous. The only thing stopping him is a manager that won’t want to drive up his innings…. Oh, wait, Dusty’s managing him. Okay, so don’t draft him in 2010 when he has 700 innings on his arm.

Geovany Soto – Got a hold of one off of Soto. I still say to trade him if you can get the right deal.

Brad Hawpe – Two home runs now in three days. Still wouldn’t start him against lefties. That’s why you carry Spilborghs, whose porn mustache should have its own harem, on your deep league roster.

Eric Byrnes – You’re wondering why he’s slumping so bad, then you realize last year was the outlier (Word of the Day). He has a .267 career average. He is what he is, but he’s not what he was last year.

Chad Billingsley – I keep pimping him and I keep getting questions, “Should I trade Arod, Magglio and my son’s college tuition money for Cliff Lee?” Cliff Lee’s masquerading, Billingsley is not.

Andruw Jones – He’s batting seventh and platooning within The Pierre Situation™. He’s really not on anyone’s team anymore, is he? I mean, he’s no longer even running balls out. I predicted he’d be retired by the age of 35. I might knock that down to 33. He’s gone from Hall of Fame talk to I Wish Pierre Was Starting Instead of Him talk in a little over two years. Torre needs to go Full Metal Jacket, “I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the team! I will motivate you, Andruw Jones!”

David Ortiz – So I, like, traded Ortiz for Cliff Lee and I’m, like, wondering if I did good. People need to chillax with burying Ortiz. Sure, he’s probably a few years older than Miguel Tejada who’s probably a few years older than he’s now owning up to, but Ortiz will be fine.

Joey Devine - Waking Joey Devine has three wins on the year and he’s the setup man in case Huston Street keeps blowing saves.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – The walks will come back to hurt him at some point. Probably will have an ERA of 4 by the All-Star break.

Wladimir Balentien – Wlady B. hit his second home run.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – God, his last name is a real pain to spell. He DH’d today. If he’s getting in there when he’s not catching, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be owned in shallow mixed leagues.

Ervin Santana – Probably could have pitched into the tenth inning if he was needed. 38/9 K/BB and he just keeps looking better.

Brandon Wood – First home run of the season. Loved to see him get some time, but right now there’s no guarantee of that.

Shane Victorino – Member last week when he was sitting in favor of Werth? He didn’t sit today. Or yesterday. Or the day before. Or the… Well, you get the picture.

Matt Kemp – Third home run. He doesn’t get to twenty.

Matt Joyce – Was called up as the Tigers designated Jacques Jones for assignment. Joyce has some pop against righties, and can strikeout with the best of them. Of course, he’s not in Yahoo anyway. I’m going to write an E-Book, “Fantasy Baseball Sites Need Ten Things.” Players available on waivers is numero freakin’ uno. I don’t even want to pick up Joyce, but this is really annoying.