If you take enough shrooms, you start to dream about how Rick Porcello is from the magical land of Zeranok, where Buehrles and Moyers can cruise 15 MPH below the speed limit. Off shrooms, you just see Zeranok as zero ERA, no K. Yesterday’s 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 0 Ks was solid, great, adjective. Hard to not get excited about a complete game shutout, but I’m gonna try. Heard a lot made of the fact that Porcello only needed 95 pitches to finish off the A’s. That’s wonderful. Somewhere, Greg Maddux smiled, then he tried to go behind the counter at his local post office to show them how they can be more efficient and nearly got arrested. “Can we all just form a two-person line as we wait for Wet Willie’s Wild Slide?” That’s Maddux at a water park with his kids. I hear ya, Greg, when people are grouped together in a party of six in an amusement park line it drives me crazy too. The worst is when they get up to the front and suddenly they have 25 other friends that were with them. Any the hoo! A 95 pitch CG SHO is great IRL (you like how I was illustrating efficiency with acronyms; though this parenthetical defeats that purpose), but Porcello’s efficiency doesn’t do a whole lot for me in fantasy if it comes with no Ks. His K-rate is 5.2 and his walk rate is 2. That’s pretty blehtastic. I’d own him, since he gets the Rays next. He’s not suddenly shooting up to ace status for fantasy. I know, I know, that Porcello is one funghi, but he’s actually pretty close to borderline for 12-team mixed leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s been an interesting seven days for your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru as I doubled my bankroll last week where everything I touched turned to gold. Or is it green? Then, suddenly, I went head first into a weekend cold streak that had me considering retiring the turban, questioning whether it was all really worth it and sticking my head in the oven. Then I remembered I have an electric stove, singed my eyebrows off and simply blamed Canada. When in doubt just blame Canada and *poof* cold streak over! I’m back to the winning ways after taking down four of five contests including a first place finish in the Razzball tourney that made a nice bit of coin – no, not Bit Coin, I don’t even know what the hell that is. Whatevs, either way we are building that bankroll and moving one step closer to at winter of umbrella drinks in sunny Cancun. Unless of course I lose it all and find myself forced to spend a winter in Ochiichagwebabigoining, Ontario.

aacanada

Have you been partaking in the DraftKings fun? Why not, don’t like money?! Get out of here, hippie! Your friendly Razzaholics even provide you with some of the best tools in the biz: Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron and the mighty DFSbot.

While we are talking hot and cold streaks, let your Guru pull on your coat about player hot and cold streaks. Is there such a thing? There is as much debate about that in our fake baseball world as there is about the value of batter vs. pitcher stats and the sexual orientation of one Tehol Beddict. I’m not convinced hot and cold streaks exist for ball players or us fake ball players. I haven’t seen evidence to prove the hot streak is something you can bank on or if Tehol’s nether regions are not as smooth as a Ken doll. However, I will say this about hot/cold streaks: 1) They certainly feel real when you’re going through one. 2) They always end.

With all the said, let’s get to the plays of the day. I’ll offer up some players currently streaking that may or may not help you start a heater of your own.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I swear that box score turning blue to alert people there’s something historic going on is the mother of all jinxes. Not to mention, all the people talking about the perfect game. Member when that was a jinx? Since we’re currently living in the Age of Opinion (which is not the Scorsese movie, though if it gets the green-light, Gary Oldman could play the lead), everyone talks about the perfect game while it’s going on. Whether it’s Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Twitbook, PinkedIn. In my day, we never mentioned a perfect game on Friendster! And on my General Gist band page on Myspace? Nary a whisper! Well, Jake Arrieta still pitched outstanding yesterday — 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.05 — even if the bid for a perfect game came up short. Like Altuve short. Like Kershaw looks at Arrieta’s perfect game bid and giggles. Still, this is about where Arrieta’s been and where he can go. What I said the other day still remains true — his swings and misses are going up, his control is getting better and he’s using his cutter more — a pitch he can dominant with. I’d still look at him in every league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Pitching my life with his words. One time, one time. What, you don’t get down with The Fugees remix? By the by, Wyclef, musical talent, instrumental to success, pun noted. Lauryn Hill bonkers talented, pun noted. Pras? Um… Well… An actual refugee? True story, Wyclef once walked into my mom’s chiropractor office and asked her to massage his butt. My mom declined…Or so she tells me! Marcus Stroman did a little dazzle number last night — 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks — that hinted at his true talent level. Why has he looked like Pras’s career post-Fugees? Because he’s a rookie and prone to roofies. The pretty remarkbuehrle thing about his numbers thus far is he averages a 94 MPH fastball (that’s terrific) and an under 2 BB/9 (also terrific). A guy that can throw bullets and aim them will translate into an ace very quickly. To see what kind of thing the Royal We is talking about — his Triple-A numbers were 11+ K/9 and a 2.3 K/9. If that happens in the majors, he’ll be a top 10 starter. For serious. Unfortch, for now he’s a streamer in most mixed leagues with a chance for upside. Yesterday, the Stream-o-Nator liked him and next time out it loves him, so I’d give him a little how’s your father, good, thanks for asking, but he’s still risky. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wil Myers was diagnosed with a stress fracture in his hand. Experts are saying, “Guess you shouldn’t have drafted him!” Those are experts in schadenfreude. Other experts are saying he should’ve been wearing iron gloves called járngreipr. But those experts are in Norse mythology. Then there’s experts that say when he was injured he should’ve been going for a Chocolate Silk Pie Blizzard, but those are experts in Dairy Queen. Are there any experts on injuries that weighed in?! Oh, here’s one that says he’ll have his cast removed in about 6 weeks and could return in August. Ugh. I think I need a Blizzard. In shallower leagues where DL spots are already filled, I could see dropping him. In one 15-team league, I’m holding him, but Taijuan Walker is about to come off the DL, so I have room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ve been asked to take over for Dan Pants today.  He must be on a bender or something.  Or maybe he’s getting that vasectomy he’s been talking about.  Anyways, it looks like there is a new rivalry in town.  Tampa and Boston are quickly overthrowing the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry.  Two fights in, two separate games in under two weeks.  David Price hit David Ortiz in the first inning, and then Mike Carp a few innings later.  Somehow Price wasn’t ejected, even though there were warnings issued after the first beaning.  The Sox had four ejections: two managers, a coach, and Brandon Workman (who threw behind Evan Longoria after the first two HBPs).  Still, the Sox managed to win 3-2 in 10 innings.  If you own players on either team, be on the lookout for suspensions.  Here’s what else happened throughout the league Friday evening:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

For the 2nd time in two months, Yu Darvish has woken with a stiffy. A stiff neck, that is. Perhaps he should swallow the Viagra pill rather than letting it dissolve in his mouth before bedtime. On the fo’serious, what’s the problem with Texas and necks? I blame the NRA. They insert themselves in national debate, always pointing their finger at people and away from themselves. That’s the Neck Rehab Association. That was clear, right? What does Yu’s bed and pillow arrangement look like? Did he have his favorite Japanese architect of those tiny little cot-beds that are in hotels in Tokyo design his house? Maybe the Hello Kitty pillow is meant more for adornment rather than comfort. Can I have answers, I insist on truthiness. If I were the Rangers, I’d probably take a look at how he’s sleeping, that’s all I’m sayin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

With 11 of the 15 games pegged for the early contests on DraftKings, it’s a weird day to be a DFS baseball player, but a damn proud day to be an American. Thousands of men and women died for our freedom; so first and foremost, honor those brave souls any way you can, because without them, we wouldn’t be “enjoying” the daily grinds and the sweats (amongst many other [more important] things). Quit ogling the X-Men for one second and embrace the real heroes.

Now, back to the unique Memorial Day schedule – for the sake of not wasting research cycles, and in honor of my right to a Sunday Fun Day, this column will focus solely on the nighttime four-game set (i.e. the late games). To stand out in GPPs with such limited selection, it will take some creativity and a diamond in the rough or two, but let’s see what advantages we can find in just eight lineup cards. Of course, in-house tools like Hitter-Tron, Steam-o-Nator, and DFSBot are also here to help too. Oh, and on a random side note – why doesn’t Mike Olt change to #45? Olt 45 – it works every time. Billy Dee would be proud. Someone pass this along to Olt 45 – he can thank me later.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The date was 1 B.O. — that’s one year Before Okrent — and the Fantasy Baseball Overlord rose from the Fantasy Baseball Overlord’s Mom’s Basement and said, “Fantasy baseball lovers, I will grant you one wish.” One Fantasy Baseballer swooped his wisp of hair over his balding spot, in case he ran into any girls, and stepped forward, “I wish that all players would be healthy.” The Fantasy Baseball Overlord scratched under his armpit, thinking. “Fine, prematurely balding man, I will grant you your wish. May all players be healthy. Just not all at the same time or while on your team.” And with that the FBO descended back into its mom’s basement, since it was almost snack time. As the Overlord descended the stairs, the prematurely balding man yelled, “Wait, I didn’t agree to that!” But it was too late, and now Jose Abreu‘s landed on the DL too. Can’t we have anything nice?! Please return to us, The Grande Dolor! Wait a second, where was Frank Thomas this weekend? Frank Thomas did a Snapchat with the Fantasy Baseball Overlord, didn’t he? Answer me true, universe. The White Sox are saying Abreu will be fine to return after the minimum 15 days, and I say, *long sigh* hopefully. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If I may take you back to February of fourteen after twenty when Pablo Sandoval showed up to camp straight from a winter in Milan where he learned how to diet, smoke cigarettes, and eat nothing but greens, and this wasn’t greens like lime-flavored Popsicles and moldy cheese. This was healthy greens. On that blessed day, he was wearing a mankini and when he walked into the clubhouse, Bruce Bochy whistled, thinking he was making a catcall at some fine Dominican honey. That was fine Dominican honey, but only in fantasy baseballers’ minds who thought a contract year and 180 pounds dropped in a sauna was a sign of great things to come. Sure, Sandoval could now twerk without needing an oxygen mask, but what had changed? Well, apparently not a whole lot. Right now, he’s hitting around .200 with two homers. Burp. The good news is he’s been incredibly unlucky with his BABIP, his line drive rate is right about his career norm and he’s due to hit more homers. There’s some bad news, his K-rate is up and he’s hitting more ground balls. Even at 133 pounds, he’s not a great threat to beat out infield hits, so ground balls aren’t good, and for a guy that swings at everything, a K-rate is a bit scary. This all goes back to he’s not this bad — this terrible that he’s been. He will get better and can be either picked up in leagues or traded for for (stutterer!) very cheaply. I mean, I wouldn’t even give someone a Donkeycorn for him right now, but a Brain Freeze or a fourth outfielder sounds about right if you’re trying to acquire him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?