Fantasy Baseball Advice

This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear.  Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something.  13 strikeouts yesterday?!  Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year.  I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good.  Sure, I’m pretty easy.  Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP.  Fister?!  I hardly knew her!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning.  You can call him Upchuck Beltran.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has four homers in the past week.  Pick him up in all leagues.  For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  You know, Feign Victorino.  So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.

Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more.  I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.

Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks.  If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.

Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader.  Take that, Ryan Seacrest!

Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale.  Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.

Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time.  Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher.  BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games.  He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff.  Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs.  Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs.  Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races.  Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team.  Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams.  It’ll mean ratings.  Die, football, die!  My toupee will now take questions.”

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year.  Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer.  Desmond Jennings who?  OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did, Al Caps.  NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did.  DAMN.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He totally roped me in again.  I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams.  He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.

Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers.  One for each of his oversized areolas.

John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save.  Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings.  His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season.  Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.

Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs.  It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260.  If only he’d hit .260…

Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.

Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle.  His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution.  Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.

Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year.  The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs.  Slash slash dot dot.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers.  On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee.  I told them to lose Lee.  I’m sorry, friend.  DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner?  How about that name, ‘son?

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  At least one Sizemore is performing this year.  If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS.  Here’s a riddle for you:  What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common?  If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club.  Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck.  I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.

Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday.  Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals).  No doubt, Stefani.  But his OBP is .297.  Um, burp?

Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm.  See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth.  Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago.  He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.

Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers.  The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.

And all the pitchers in the top 10, please allow Stephen Strasburg to bump thee.  Let’s see what we can say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before.  Mikhail Gorbachev’s port wine birthmark on his head is actually Strasburg mid-windup.  I don’t think that had been said before.  Stephen’s cheering section, The House of Strasburg, better get out its Austrian officer uniforms because Herr Strasburg is goose stepping back into town.  I think in most redraft leagues you’d be able to find a dozen waiver wire pitchers that can do what Strasburg can do for this year.  What’s he gonna get?  4 starts at most?  Brandon McCarthy could be as valuable as him in 4 starts.  I’m just tempering you like Margaret from Boardwalk Empire.  I wouldn’t expect more than 20 innings of a 3.00 ERA.  Don’t go dropping anyone too valuable to roll with the Strasburger.  In keeper leagues, drop your priceless Faberge egg and grab him.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Casey Kotchman – Which of these statements is false:  1) He’s hitting .337. 2) He had mononucleosis for two years because the Angels Rally Monkey used his toothbrush.  3) He considered legally changing his first name to I’mplaying1stbasey.

Mike Carp – Just went over my Mike Carp fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing giant gold sunglasses like Pitbull.

J.D. Martinez – He went from a lukewarm buy to a must have in less than a week.  He could revert back to a lukewarm buy by (stutterer!) next week.

Brandon McCarthy – Has a 3.31 ERA, 1.17 WHIP and a 74:16 K:BB rate.  McCarthy’s taking on every team this year like they’re the Reds.  Hopefully he keeps it up tonight vs. the Rangers and doesn’t leave his initials on the mound.

Dontrelle Willis – For a long time his career looked as promising as the person who told Jordan a Hitler mustache was the way to go.  His ERA looks the best its looked in years, but better still is he’s keeping his BBs in check better than Ralphie.

Jake Peavy – He’s looked good the last four times out.  If you had him for those starts, take a lap around your computer, cheering yourself.  You deserve it.

Rafael Furcal – Nothing says fresh blood infused into your fantasy team’s veins like an oldie-timer.

Eric Young Jr. – I ran into Eric Young Sr. and Eric Young Jr. Jr. at a Carl’s Jr. the other day and they agreed that the only thing that’s stopping Eric Young Jr. from stealing 60 bases a year is playing time.  Then they began to argue over the real star of the duo, Junior Senior.

Jose Altuve – Has hit in ten of his last twelve games while batting .330 since his call up and is owned in 1.5% of ESPN leagues.  Jed Lowrie, who has one good week every year or so, is owned in 13.4% of ESPN leagues.  Then again ESPN dedicates five hour programming blocks to the Sawx so I guess it makes sense.

Johnny Giavotella – Could have some speed, power and abbreviate his last name as GTL.  I’ll cop to picking up Giavotella in one league.  Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em or file a restraining order…

Yuniesky Betancourt – Hitting over .400 in the last week with a homer and a steal.  Not a long term add but hot schmotatoes rarely are.

Jose Constanza – His name translates to Joe With Poem so here’s one in his honor.  Constanza is playing over Jason Heyward/Leaving a hole in my outfield the size of a fjord/Now I’m blahtooning Eric Young and Peter Bourjos/What rhymes with that? Orange juice?

Jesus Montero – Will be called up shortly and hit 2 to 4 homers while collecting 9 to 13 RBIs; I can hardly wait!

Rafael Betancourt – He can be found in the definition of Cuddle Boy, but that shouldn’t stop you from handcuffing Huston Street who once pulled a hamstring from around a candied ham and strained his elbow.

Vinnie Pestano – If Chris Perez blows one more game in horrific fashion, Pestano will be the closer.  If Perez blows two more games in less than horrific fashion, Pestano will take over.  If Perez just shows up at the game wearing a mismatched outfit, he should be fine.

SELL

Vernon Wells – If you think Vernon Wells has another month and a half of productivity in his bat, then the Blue Jays GM Alex Snuffaluffagus has a bridge in Kansas to sell you.

Derrek Lee - Has a team ever traded for someone then put him on waivers within a few weeks?  I don’t know, but Derrek Lee or Ryan Ludwick might be the first ones.  Pirates spokesman, “Listen, we were never really in the running and now we’re really not in the running… Anyone wanna take these schmohawks off our hands?  How about Ryan Doumit?  How about Dyan Roumit?  How about a catcher to be named later?”  Sure, Lee is wily with grit, but put grit and wily into Google and you get “Did you mean John McCain?” and he can’t play baseball.

Carlos Lee - Sticking with the old Lee theme, if you have Chuck Lee, stop fighting the power and shut him down.

Jason Heyward – I wouldn’t drop him in keeper leagues or leagues 12 team or deeper.  In those leagues, I’d walk into traffic wearing a burlap sack muttering about how Heyward betrayed you.  But in shallow redraft leagues, it’s time to move on.  What’s the best he can give you in a month-plus?  6 homers?  Rick Ankiel called and said he’d give you that, but not to call him back and his number is unlisted.

Mike Carp is hitting .350 since July 1st.  (Thereabouts, I did the math in my head.  At least I think it was my head.  Hmm…)  Carp only has 4 homers, but now has two homers in the last 4 games.  He’s also hit in 11 straight games.  Finally… There’s no finally, isn’t the first three positives enough?  Mama mia, I don’t love Mariner hitters in Safeco.  It’s smothering!  In the minor leagues, he was great but it was in the PCL so divide his power by three and add a negative two.  But while Carp’s hitting, he’s worth an add across most leagues, and not just for pescetarians.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Royals catcher prospect was called up.  He has the most surreal pitch signals.  ”Is that a melted clock — oh, a changeup!”

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Playing centerfield, but his season is totally out of left field.

Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, hitting .318 in his short time in the majors.  Now we just need his cheering section to skip the wave and do the Fist Pump.

Arodys Vizcaino - On Tuesday, the lead was Hommy Tanson, yesterday it was Jason Heyward, so I just couldn’t highlight Vizcaino.  I like sweet tea and talking garbled as much as the next guy, but Northerners would’ve started wondering where my allegiances lie.  While Arodys looks like an IM acronym for Red Sox fans, “A-Rod, You Sahck,” he’s a big-time pitching prospect for the Braves.  He breezed through the minor leagues pushing a K-rate over 9, and can be an Aroldis Chapman-type out of the bullpen, but he is crazy young.  With Vizcaino, the Braves now have two minors on the pitching staff.  In all non-keepers, I’d ignore Arodys for now.  His innings are a bit high and the Braves will probably limit him this year.  In dynasty and deep keeper leagues, grab him; he could be special.

Tommy Hanson - Tests show his shoulder is healthy enough for his next start.  His last month of starts show the tests are wrong.

Dan Uggla - 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he pushed his hitting streak to 31 games.  Or the same number of double takes someone who just woke from a coma would have if they saw he was hitting .224 with a 31 game hitting streak.

Jason Heyward – 0-for-5 with the start as Jose Constanza went 3-for-4 with a steal.  That’ll make things better.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer.  A Curtis hasn’t hit such high notes since Booger Presley played the mean guitar.

Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Solid start, but how do you not strike out anyone?  That’s like a champale supernova.

J.J. Hardy – 4-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Sweet King Martin, Sweet Queen Coretta, Sweet Brother Hardy… Sweet Baby Jesus…

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Imma let you finish, but J.J. Hardy’s having the best Orioles season this year.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4 with 3 Ks.  His average is down to .163.  He’s hitting half his weight!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his less than adequate first start for the Indians, he’s lucky he turned things around or he would’ve been Uscalpedo.

Jason Kipnis – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s a good rule of thumb, if I mention a guy in a positive way more than twice in a week, add him.  Kipnis has been mentioned about five times in the last week.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Definitely earning his Twitter hashtags.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer in 3 games.  Ended up on the A’s just because Jonah Hill likes pork, but it’s turning out okay.  While he’s hot, Willingham should be owned everywhere.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez is looking a lot more like Port-A-Jon Sanchez.

Anibal Sanchez - 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Should I Put A Diaper On My Fantasy Team Or Are You Done Defecating Sanchez?

Hanley Ramirez – Placed on the DL.  I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to hurry back.  /sarcasm

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-1, 4 runs and the delicious slam & legs.  Rudy hit me up on IM surprised to see The Dread Pirate only had 19 steals on the year.  I hit him back that I was surprised A-Gon only had 18 homers.  See, everything said in our IM chats isn’t really that interesting.

Jeff Karstens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  His last start (3 1/3 IP, 9 ER) left the cow pie on the window sill too long so the stench probably scared most off from this start.

Derrek Lee – Scratched with a sore hand.  Well, stop scratching with it!

Vance Worley- 4 IP, 6 ER.  A Worley hasn’t been hit so hard since his grandmother Jo Anne got smacked in the face by an errant window on the set of Laugh-In.

Brennan Boesch – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury.  So where is thumbkin?  At the hospital getting an MRI.

Alex Cobb – Having season-ending surgery to clear blockage by his rib cage.  Operating on him is a specialist by the name of Eve.

Brandon Phillips – Will miss at least five days as he tweeted yesterday that his elbow looked like a balloon.  Then some clown turned his elbow into a giraffe.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games.  Prediction:  His end of the year stats will look solid and everyone will forgot that he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn for two months.

Kevin Millwood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Less than average starter who will pitch his home games in Coors.  Burp.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  So what’s your excuse for not picking him up?  You a non-believer?

Chad Billingsley – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners and three unearned runs for the always agita inducing ticker shock.

Dee Gordon – To the DL with a bruised shoulder, which isn’t nearly as tasty as a braised shoulder.

Juan Rivera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Dodgers.  That makes him Dos Rivera.

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 and his 30th steal.  He could be at 30/30 by the end of August.  He makes me feel like the only girl (in the world).  I’m pretty sure I grasp the use of parentheses as a way to modify, so what’s Only Girl (In the World) without the parentheses?  Only Girl?  ”I wanna hear Only Girl!”  No, that makes no sense.  It should stand alone without the parentheses.  You can Bang a Gong or you can Bang a Gong (Get It On).  You’re forwarding your gong banging.  You are upping your excitement on the gong.  The Reaper is good, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper is adding something.  ”Hey, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper.”  Now I’m at ease.  Only Girl means nothing!  You come for fantasy baseball advice, you stay for Rihanna rants.

Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be.  I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety.  No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right?  As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves.  No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right?  It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it?  Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report.  What a POS content farm.  Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly.  Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament.  Oh no, collateral damage!  Yeah, that’s not good.  Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa.  Wilkin, you better watch your back.  Or Dane de la Rosa.  Or Ruben de la Rosa.  Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference.  Quite the de la Rosa renaissance.  I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa.  “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa?  No?  Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”  Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky.  If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.

Barry Zito – Back to the DL.  I.e., baked Zito.

Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum.  You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy.  Sorry…

Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils.  If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start.  I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months.  He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).

Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP.  That’s what she said!  No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.

Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start.  This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER.  But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still.  You have to remain patient for at least one more start.

Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11.  Kyle Blanks — hype!  Anthony Rizzo — hype!  Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single.  Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy.  Of course, I’m joking.  Schadenfreude!

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days.  I’m only sorta joking.  He has 6 steals in 3 days.  Now I’m being cerealious.

Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week.  Where is he taking them?  To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice!  Gotcha.

Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.  And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.

Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!

Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday.  He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals.  Who are you, Andre Ethier?  That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run.  Of course you do.

Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz.  He’s about to.  Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?”  I tell you Kipnis.  You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time.  He looks like the superhero, Blok.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.

Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do.  They throw after they’re shutdown.  This should end well.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.

It’s trade deadline time, a full baseball weekend, and Grey is at a crawfish festival asking ladies whether he has any chum in his moustache.  Anyway, the Indians spoiled the Yanks and Sawx plans by nabbing Ubaldo for a bunch of prospects including their top two pitching prospects (Drew Pomeranz and Alex White).  Moving to the AL Central is definitely better for Ubaldo’s stock than the AL East and you’d think moving a mile closer to sea level for home games would help in the long run.  I expect a good finish this year for him as ALers adjust to his stuff.

As for Pence, what a shocker that Philadelphia and Houston made a trade!  Ruben Amaro Jr. is like the jerk in a fantasy baseball keeper league who keeps tapping the same goober (Ed Wade) for advantageous trades.  The Phillies got Brad Lidge and Roy Oswalt the past two years and the Astros have Brett Wallace, JA Happ, and (had) Michael Bourn to show for it.  Time will tell whether the prospects in this trade are worth it but the change in scenery should definitely help Pence.  He hit 5th on Sunday which should give him some solid RBI opportunities behind Utley and Howard.  Plus, he can look forward to many Pence-sylvania puns!

In other news…

Erik Bedard - The Red Sox nixed a trade with Oakland for Rich Harden because of injury concerns and then ok’d a trade to Seattle for Erik Bedard.  When pressed on why they signed off on Bedard but not Harden, Red Sox doctors pointed out that Bedard’s right arm looked a lot healthier than Harden’s.  We’re disappointed they didn’t pull off both trades.  They could put Erich Bedarden as the probable starter and then start the healthy one.  Suffice it to say, going from Seattle to Boston should only help Bedard’s Wins, hurt his ERA/WHIP, and maim non-New Englanders’ eardrums during unsuccessful home starts (You sahck cahk Bedahd!).

Michael  Bourn - Traded to Atlanta for Jordan Schafer and the Atlanta B-prospect orchestra.  This was all news to him when he woke up today in the wrong part of Atlanta, not knowing how he got there.  Luckily he outran all his attackers until he was able to surmise his past role as a SAGNOF operative.

Rafael Furcal - Traded to the Cardinals.  McCourt offered to send a $10,000 check as well if the Cards could just wire him $5,000.  No real change in value for Furcal.  He’s barely startable when healthy and barely healthy when he starts.

Dee Gordon - With Furcal traded, the Dee Gordon era has arrived in LA.  Dodger fans, SAGNOF fans, and What’s Happening fans, rejoice!

Doug Fister - The Mariners traded Fister to a team (Tigers) where he might have a chance at the occasional win.  Fister has 3 wins and 12 losses (only 2nd in the AL to Jeremy Guthrie’s 13 losses) despite a 3.33 / 1.17 ERA/WHIP.  Fister’s lack of K’s (5.5 Ks) makes him only spot start worthy in shallow mixed leagues.  I just wish Seattle would’ve added catcher Adam Moore to the deal to preserve possibly the best pitcher-catcher battery of all-time (Fister-Moore).

Chris Davis - He’ll finally get his 3rd chance to prove he’s a major league hitter after getting traded with Tommy Hunter to Baltimore for Koji Uehara.  If he’s your best option at cornerman, my condolences.   I can see Chris Davis and Mark Reynolds becoming great friends, swapping tips on how to walk back to the dugout after striking out.

Brandon Allen - Man, just when Arizona started playing him, they trade him to the A’s for Brad Ziegler.  Allen is getting sent to AAA for now but I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets called up soon.

Paul Goldschmidt - With Allen out of town, the Diamondbacks plan to call him up to take over at 1B.  He’s shown great power and I’d give him a flier as a corner power option.  I predict he’ll surpass Jason Schmidt (7) and end up with the 2nd most career HRs for someone with Schmidt in their last name.

Mike Adams – Traded to the Rangers for two pitching prospects where he apologized to all owners who held onto him in mixed leagues hoping he’d inherit the Padres closer job when Heath Bell was traded.  He’s still worth owning as a middle reliever – especially as a handcuff if you own Feliz.

Ryan Ludwick - Traded to the Pirates.  His value moves from yaaawwwn to yawn.  Once Tabata comes back, this is going to mean a big drop in playing time for Garrett Jones.

Derrek Lee – Also traded to the Pirates.  He’s been hitting of late and is serviceable when on a hitting streak.   In related news, if your beer league softball team needs a 1B, Lyle Overbay is available.

Orlando Cabrera - Traded to the Giants as Sabean is looking for the right mix of Tejada’s over-the-hillness and Brandon Crawford’s weak bat.

Lance Berkman – Returned after a few days off to hit a 3-run HR on Sunday.  That’s 28 HRs in 308 ABs.  See Colby, that’s what happens when you listen to the Cardinals coaches.  Although, it should be said, that McGwire’s success with Berkman is largely because Lance pictures a Big Mac in place of McGwire’s face when getting batting tips.  If only the Astros had hired Mayor McCheese as batting coach…

Justin Verlander – Took a no-hitter into the 8th inning for the 3rd time this year, outdueling AL Cy Young front-runner Jered Weaver in a 3-2 win.  He’s now 15-5 with a 2.24 ERA, 0.87 WHIP, and 178 Ks in 181 IP.  Almost every award prediction I made this preseason looks awful except Verlander for Cy Young.  If only I drafted him on one of our teams.

Jered Weaver – Lost the duel against Verlander to ‘fall’ to 14-5 with a 1.88 ERA and 0.94 WHIP.  Worse yet, he got ejected for throwing one high and tight on pitch after Carlos Guillen took a few minutes to admire his HR.  While I can see why Weaver was mad, he needs to realize that might’ve been one of the only notable accomplishments for Guillen in like 4 years.  Let the man have his moment.

Domonic Brown – Sent down to AAA as the Phillies decided John Mayberry at least lets them put out an MVP outfield (Mayberry, Victorino, Pence).

Joe Saunders - Oh the joys of pitching in the NL West.  He’s followed up a complete game victory @SD with a 7.2 IP, 2 ER win against LA.  He’s got another start coming up against the Dodgers which makes him a pretty solid streaming candidate.

Jeremy Hellickson – The H-E-double hockey st-ickson is bringing the Devil back into the Rays.  He got his 10th win of the year albeit against the Mariners and with only 2 Ks in 7 IP.  At 10-7, Hellickson and Pineda are battling for top non-Roofie this year.

Brett Wallace / Chris Johnson – The ineffective corners of Houston were sent down to AAA.  This will finally give some playing time to top prospects…..oops, those are their top prospects.  That’s the bad karma you get when you play in the park formerly known as Enron Field.  Unlike Ed Wade, at least the Enron executives got to feel like the ‘Smartest Men in the Room’ for a little while.

Jason Bourgeois – Slam and legs with an extra side of legs for the upper class Astro.  With Michael Bourn and Hunter Pence gone, Bourgeois should get plenty of time to hit at the top of the lineup and steal bases.  Given the current state of the Astros lineup (Bourgeois hit 3rd on Sunday!), he better steal during his first 3 ABs because there may not be a 4th AB.

Emilio Bonifacio - His hitting streak was snapped at 26 games but he did hit a HR on Sunday.  Mr. Dimaggio, you dodged a bullet.  Mr. Bonds, hope you’re ready for some Boneface.

Johnny Cueto – Threw a 3-hit shutout against the new look Giants offense.  Why can’t Volquez take a sip of whatever Cueto is drinking (1.72 ERA / 0.98 WHIP)?

Coco Crisp – 3 SBs to tie his career high from last year at 32 SBs.  No wonder why Ice-T loves him so much.

Juan Nicasio - 7 IP, 1 ER and 10 Ks at San Diego – his first good road start this whole year.  I’d say he’s a great bet for K’s but he has only K’d more than 6 in one other start…..@COL against the Padres (9 Ks).  The R0ckies should rest him for a few weeks and then start him every game in their next series with San Diego.  Also, not for nothing, if his parents had gringo’d his name to John, he could have had the best 80′s keyboardist name of all time (Johnny Casio).

Roger Bernadina – In the midst of an 0-for-17 slump (or 8-for-50 if you want to go back further), the Nats sent him down to AAA.  For the love of SAGNOF, WTF?!  Ankiel owners should benefit the most from this although, if anyone owns Ankiel in a shallow mixed league, they probably checked out 3 months ago.  On Sunday, the Nats decided to start Brian Bixler in CF.  This is the Brian Bixler whose awful bat (.177/.237/.227 in 203 ABs) wasn’t good enough for Pittsburgh’s SS position (when they sucked).  This was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.

Brandon McCarthy - Two straight wins for McCarthy after dispatching the Twins yesterday with a 9 K effort.  He’s doing his part to rid the McCarthy name of its embarrassing affiliation with Communist witch-hunts, vaccination witch-hunts, and falling for redheads from the wrong side of the tracks.  If you leave Brandon, don’t leave now!

Dustin Moseley - The NL Doug Fister (3-10 despite a 3.30 ERA) went on the 15 day DL with a bad shoulder on his non-pitching arm.  That’s weak.  Jim Abbott pitched just fine with a bad arm on his non-pitching shoulder.