The H is O! Oh, no, Jose Fernandez has me so jazzed, I need to bust some rhymes. I came in the door, I said it before. I never let a top starter magnetize me no more, but watching Fernandez yesterday is biting me, fighting me, inviting me to want a number one starter just this one time. I can’t hold it back, I’m looking at his pitching line — 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 14Ks. Taking off my coat, and that’s me quoting Rakim’s quote, his pitches were kicking it until his last hitter, Ryan Doumit. My mind remains refined, all kinds of ideas. Self-esteem makes it seem like his pitching took years to build, but his age is just twenty-one. Prepared, never scared, he’s just a blessed one. And you know that I’ve never seen that terrible movie with Jamie Foxx, think it was called The Soloist, so Jose F. make ‘em clap to this. I said it the other day, but in case you weren’t reading, Fernandez is going to be the best pitcher going into next year. Thought he was a donut, you tried to glaze him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Ryan Zimmerman should just join a kickball league. His upper stuff doesn’t work right. He’s got a bad case of waist-up-is-not-up-to-snuff-is. He should tent his entire body, because he’s got an infestation of the bad health termites. They lay dormant, living off of bacteria that is produced naturally by your secretions. Then one day you wake up and you dive into the 2nd base bag and break your thumb. The preceding was taken directly from WebMD, I can’t vouch for its accuracy. It’s a thumbpocalypse! So, Zimmerman’s gonna be out for six weeks with a broken thumb. I’d point out that I told you on Friday to sell him, but that’s in poor taste. As would simply pointing and laughing at you. Mostly due to the fact, I don’t know where you are, you don’t return my phone calls! So, put Zimmerman on your DL, and let’s pray his shoulder gets miraculously better in the mean’s while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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DraftKings: Week One is in the books. The MLB 2014 season is now only a wee one week old and aww look it’s drooling. Or is that you? No it was me; I couldn’t stand that long awful thingy called winter in which there was no baseball. Now that it is back, we have enjoyed every second whether it is Puig’s blunders or some Trumbo-bombs. So hey, while you’re enjoying all this warm gooey baseball-ness why not make a lil money doing it? Everybody is doing it. Ok maybe not everybody but they should be. I started playing DFS myself this baseball season and I am hooked. On with the show …

This being my first run on Razzball lets go over the basics. First, while you’re here on the Razz check out the Stream-O-Nator and see who it likes for today’s pitchers. Secondly, click on the tab that says Hitter-Tron. Its going to give you some guys who can handle the wood. Wait, ew, nevermind they can do the batting thing more preferably than other guys. Man, this is just going downhill fast isn’t it? Click here on our sponsored DraftKings link to get to safety and I’ll get it back together. The Stream-o-nator seems to like Michael Wacha the most and at a $8,400 price tag he’s not a bad value. Not my cup o tea, though, and I’ll tell you why below as we discuss Draftkings picks for 4/7/2014 for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

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There’s SAGNOF – now there’s BGLIF or BABIPGLIF.

B(ABIP)GLIF = BABIP’s Got Little Face. As you delve into players for your drafts and you see a surprising glorious batting average from last year, ensure you validate it. Use Razzball Fantasy Baseball BABIP vs. Average Comparison. I’ll point out some sleepers below using this method.

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The hardest division in the league, which includes last year’s world champs, looks to be just as intense again.  For that matter, it probably will be that way for the foreseeable future.  My favorite team is also being covered here.  I’ll do my best not to be biased about the Yankees, and I think I’m pretty good at keeping my emotions away from the reality of the team.  That being said, I think the Yankees are going to win 120 games this season. (You can check out the NL West Spring Training Preview here, the AL West Spring Training Preview here, the AL Central Spring Training Preview here and the NL East Spring Training Preview here.)

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It began as a whisper… a promise… the lightest of breezes danced above the cries of  men and women cheering him on in little league. That breeze became a wind. A wind of freedom… a wind of justice… a wind of vengeance. The time has come, my Beddictites, to prepare yourselves for a breakout of epic proportions. I speak not of the Herp, but of the Harp; Bryce Harper to be clear.

Some would argue that Nostradamus’s greatest prophesy was made in the year 1566, mere days before his horrific case of the Gout brought him to his death bed. “What prophesy is this you speak of, oh wise and charming Beddict?” Ask and thou shalt receive. A deep search into the annals of Nostradamus’s journals produced this historic find– “In the year of our Elder Gods, 2014, a breathtakingly handsome young writer will come out of the shadows and change the world forever. He will no doubt be criticized by many a troglodyte [Ed. Note-- Good word usage bro.], but he shall not hold it against them, for they not know better. On March 10, 2014, this debonaire young man, who will be known as the Mark Twain/William Shakespeare of his generation, will make a prediction about another chosen one, another young man I have seen in my dreams, an athlete of sorts.  These overwhelmingly powerful visions of this brutish boy swinging what seems to be a wooden stick at a bloodless round object have seemingly pushed me to the brink of my grave. It’s either these visions or this Mother F’ing gout! Anyway, I know not what this prediction shall be, but whatever it is, it will have an 85 percent chance of coming to fruition. These two young men’s futures will be forever intertwined for better or for worse. Take heed, for it has been written. I can now die in peace knowing my last true vision has been recorded in my leather-bound and padlocked journal. Now, if only this useless peasant, wife of mine would bring me my favorite chocolate sprinkled crepes along with some brie. Tis a virtual certainty she’s yet again, getting bent over in the barn by my stable boy, Mortimer. By the Gods, I despise that whore.” It’s been said those were the last sentences ever written by Damus, as he passed and now resides with Hood in “House Death.”

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As a former radio geek that tired of the shallow money trench and the playing of “Free Bird” for the 7,432 time, I’m a fan of taking those radio hits and mashing them up beyond recognition. Take a couple of things that don’t belong together like Metallica and Stevie Wonder, throw them in the blender and you get something sad but superstitious.

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Go to a quiet, dark place and light a few candles (preferably scented). Cue up my theme musicNow close your eyes, listen to my intro in it’s entirety and visualize greatness. Then, and only then, may you open your curious eyes and continue on (make sure you go back and watch the video because it’s awesome). If you lack the heart of a champion, I strongly recommend you either 1) refrain from reading further, or in my opinion the better option 2) play my theme music on at full volume,on repeat, until you’ve built up the testicular fortitude to withstand any obstacle on your way to glory.

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Say it’s not so News Report! News Report, “I’m sorry, Grey, your handsomeness and mustache make me want to lie to you, but Edwin Encarnacion is probably being shut down for the year.” Is it because anything I did? “No, you’ve gone above and beyond anything I could’ve hoped for. Thanks for the $10 marathon donation too. A real mensch, you are!” I could’ve done without the second reminder to donate on Facebook. “Can we discuss this privately?” So, players are dropping like flies. Not those African tsetse flies that have been known to live for six months after they burrow into your skull. They’re dropping like fruit flies near your backyard bug zapper. In most leagues, I’d lose Encarnacion immediately. Blue Jays Manager said Edwin’s probably done for the year, and even if he returns, he’s dealing with a sore wrist, which is, ya know, not good for hitting. Comatose Blue Jays Fan, “At least he’ll be ready for the playoffs! Right?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Oh fantasy baseball. You’re such a bitch. Jacoby Ellsbury and his league leading 52 stolen bases are going to take a seat for a while. While this is bad news for Red Sox fans, it’s even worse news for fantasy players who are in the midst of a title chase or head to head playoff match-ups. Grey covered this in the lede this morning but it’s worth mentioning here as well given that our focus is steals and Jacoby represents a huge loss in that category for his owners. Luckily, there are still some players who might be available in your league that can help in the steals department. Quick, before anybody else fractures their feet, let’s take a look at who’s out there for some SAGNOF this week:

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