Fantasy Baseball Advice

The top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball are a shallow bowl of dung and even the catchers are ranked ahead of them for depth.  All the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings can be found under that thing that says 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  (Don’t worry, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to link to things a little more seamlessly).  Shortstops usually get the short end of the stick when I’m drafting.  If I don’t get a top guy from the first two rounds, I’ll probably just take a flyer on some late round player.  Honestly, I don’t even really want to mess with Tulo, Reyes and Ramirez.  So, to amend what I just said, I usually just take a late flyer on a shortstop.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I drafted a 1st or 2nd round shortstop, and I play in about ten leagues per year.  In leagues that play a middle infielder, then you might need two of these schmohawks.  Hopefully, you can grab two decent 2nd basemen and only need one of these guys.  As with the other top 20 rankings, I point out where I think tiers start and stop and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Troy Tulowitzki – His projections are found at the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Jose Reyes – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. Hanley Ramirez – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

4. Elvis Andrus -  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Asdrubal.  I call this tier, “Only four shortstops in and it’s your last chance for a decent one.  Yay.”  Maybe it’s Arlington, maybe it’s the lineup around him, but I still think he can hit 7 to 10 homers and be the new Reyes.  He’s still only 23 years old and he’s shown durability and speed.  All he needs is to find a little power stroke and we’re looking at a guy that is gonna shoot up a few rounds next year.  2012 Projections:  105/7/60/.285/40

5. Starlin Castro – Castro’s gonna be the Jeter of the Cubs.  Players on the Cubs are gonna come and go and Castro’s gonna be there, hitting .300, teen homers and steal 20-ish bases.  For a long time.  (Note #1:  I wrote the preceding then decided to use my Google machine to see if anyone’s made that comparison before.  Sure enough, yup.  Dozens of people.  There’s even a crappy Bleacher Report slideshow of Jeter and Castro that has five pictures total that are flip-flopped five times to drive up pageviews.)  (Note #2:  If you skipped the first note, let’s act like I invented the Castro/Jeter comparison.)  (Note #3:  There’s no note number three.)  I’m sure I’m the first person to think of the Jeter vs. Castro comparison.  Prescient isn’t just a word I can’t spell without a spellchecker!  (Note #4:  Thanks for ignoring the first note.)  2012 Projections:  100/12/70/.310/20

6. Jimmy Rollins – You know when you show up at a party early and no one else is there and you’re stuck talking to people you don’t know?  That’s like drafting a player the year before he breaks out.  “So, how do you know the host of the party?  You met him at AA?  Cool.  You know, I actually have another party I have to get to.”  It’s equally bad showing up sober to a party late and everyone is drunk and acting a fool.  That’s like drafting an older player who finally becomes useless.  “So, you put flash frames of Masonic imagery in your home movies?  Interesting… I think I’m gonna head home.” And before you know it you’re cleaning up vomit off your shoes because of the random guy who couldn’t resist the Jager.  No one wants to be the first or last person at the party.  I get it.  You’re running the risk of being last on Rollins and having to clean up his puke, but I think a car load of girls is about to show up and the party has one more rally left in it.  2012 Projections:  80/14/55/.270/24

7. Asdrubal Cabrera – Let’s put what I have to say aside for one second.  Bill James says Asdrubal should go 16/15/.273.  He gives Rollins 16/25/.262, Castro 8/21/.312 and Andrus 4/39/.281.  Those are relatively the same with Rollins getting the edge because of steals and power.  Rollins is obviously the most likely to get those numbers or get injured.  Castro doesn’t have huge power, but he’s better in steals and average.  Andrus is way better in steals and slightly better in average.  So why is Asdrubal last?  He never hit more than 6 homers in any other professional season.  He just pulled a 25 homer, “Hey, look I’m Ben Zobrist!” season out of his back pocket.  All of those other shortstops have done all of those numbers before.  Andrus easily has speed, Rollins has done those numbers for multiple seasons and Castro is five years Asdrubal’s junior and he just went 10/22 and hits .300 like it’s his job (which it is), i.e., I’m not drafting Asdrubal with his current price tag.  2012 Projections:  80/14/70/.270/15

8. Derek Jeter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Bonifacio.  I call this tier, “Where’s all the freakin’ shortstops?”  What a mess this position is.  That’s it; only 7 shortstops?  For serious?  That’s ridiculous.  Fold the position and move everyone on the field thirty feet to their right.  Or count pitchers’ hitting for fantasy and forget about shortstops.  Last three years, Jeter’s homers have been 18, 10 and 6.  As we know from 3rd grade math problems, next year Jeter’s gonna hit a negative two homers.  Hey, Garrett Atkins, get out of Jeter’s earth skin?!  2012 Projections:  90/10/60/.275/15

9. Alexei Ramirez – I dislike this guy a shizzload.  His end of the year stats of 17-ish homers and 10-ish steals look all right, but to get there it’s, like, 3 homers and 1 and a half steals per month.  Who even steals half bags?  Fat and/or lazy guys, and Alexei isn’t fat the last time I checked.  Oh, and when you’re waiting for 3 homers and 1+ steal a month, it’s utterly yawnstipating.  2012 Projections:  75/17/80/.270/10

10. Erick Aybar – The best thing Aybar has going for him is Scioscia loves him like a fat kid loves cake.  When the best thing for you is when a Sciosciapath likes you, you’re in trouble.  He gave Jeff Mathis 2000 ABs!  2012 Projections:  80/6/50/.280/24

11. J.J. Hardy – You trusting J.J. Hardy as your shortstop?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, are you?  He wasn’t even drafted last year and he’s ranked 11th, and it’s not like he was this prospect that suddenly emerged and that’s why he wasn’t drafted.  He’s 29 years old and has played 7 years in the majors.  You think he’s going to repeat last year or do you think he’s gonna disappoint like his other years?  Oh, God, this position is terrible.  2012 Projections:  60/19/75/.255

12. Emilio Bonifacio – A utility man who just had a career year isn’t my idea of a great draft pick.  Maybe I’m old fashioned!  Maybe when I curse I say drats!  Maybe I call my breeches knickerbockers!  Maybe I’m afraid of planes because I think they’re giant birds!  I don’t buy Bonifacio at all on the average.  That was bolstered by luck and a hitting streak where things were falling in for him…. Hmm, that’s sorta the same as luck.  I also don’t buy the power, even if it was only five homers last year.  The speed is real though, so if you can get him at a bargain and you need speed, go for it.  Remember, you’re drafting a guy that you will almost definitely want to drop two weeks into the season.  2012 Projections:  70/2/40/.260/30

13. Dee Gordon – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Alcides.  I call this tier, “Honestly, I don’t even think these guys are that great, but compared to what’s left after this, this is your last chance for exciting.”  If you don’t have a shortstop by the end of this tier, then you are punting shortstop and will end up with a waiver wire carousel of Cliff Pennington, Rafael Furcal and Jason Bartlett.  Otherwise known as Clafson Barcal, who only sounds like a character from The Wire.  Gordon is Juan Pierre at shortstop.  He’s so skinny if you put a sesame seed on his head he looks like a thumb tack.  I don’t think Gordon could hit a homer if they move the fences to standard Celebrity Softball regulation.  But he does have speed to burn, so there’s that.  2012 Projections:  80/0/30/.265/45

14. Ian Desmond – I feel like Desmond and Espinosa both get a bad rap.  Speaking of bad rap, imagine Nicki Minaj guest rapping on a Pitbull song.  Man, they are both terrible.  You’re not rhyming Kodak with Kodak, you are just repeating the same word!  Desmond was actually a bit lucky with his average last year and he strikes out a lot.  It’s not a great sign, but all the players this low have some drawbacks.  2012 Projections:  70/10/65/.250/22

15. Zack Cozart – I already went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while defriending anyone that ruined Boardwalk Empire’s finale.  2012 Projections:  55/14/70/.245/20

16. Alcides Escobar – This is it.  No more upside at shortstop after this.  Unless you’re related to Everth Cabrera and you promised to draft him so he stops threatening to walk into traffic.  Alcides has the promise of 40 steal speed in those luscious gams of his.  Whether he ever wants to make good on that promise is up to him.  BTW, luscious is a totally normal adjective to describe another man’s legs.  Alcides looks like a poor man’s Aybar.  Or a Sawdust-On-The-Floor-bar.  2012 Projections:  75/5/50/.250/30

17. Jhonny Peralta – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “If you draft from here, you will rotate out your shortstop at least 5 times this year.”   I guess Peralta could be J.J. Hardy this year and bash 30 homers.  More than likely he’ll hit 17 homers and a .250 average.   I don’t buy the .299 average last year at all.  I think the God of Extra H’s came to him in April and bestowed on him his one wish — a pony that craps gold.  Then he got lucky and hit .299.  (You didn’t think he’d wish for a .299 average, did you?  I mean, wouldn’t he just wish for a .300 average?  C’mon, use your brain!)  2012 Projections:  60/17/75/.250

18. Yunel Escobar – I never know what to make of Yunel.  One year he hits 11 homers and another year he hits 14 and another year he hits 10 homers.  Will he hit 11 this year?  Maybe 12?  Or even 13?  So much to think about!  /sarcasm  2012 Projections:  70/12/45/.280/3

19. Jason Bartlett – I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bartlett traded to a team that uses him as a backup.  Luckily, that wouldn’t change his fantasy value.  Because to change values, you need value — snap!  2012 Projections:  50/3/35/.255/20

20. Rafael Furcal -  Member when Furcal was one of the top shortstops in the game?  Yeah, I don’t either.  I have a bad memory.  Who are we talking about anyway?  Ryan Klesko?  I love his sideburns!  2012 Projections:  60/7/35/.245/12

After the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but these standout:

Tyler Pastornicky – Since the Braves like to throw prospects to the fire (to nice success), I expect they’re going to give Pastornicky, who sounds like the clergyman that Carmela made out with, every chance to play.  In the minors, he’s shown decent power for a shortstop and 20-ish speed.  I wouldn’t expect much of an average.  He might be a very cheap Ian Desmond.  That sounded better in my head than it probably did in yours.  To read further on Tyler Pastornicky 2012 fantasy, click that link-a-ma-boob.  2012 Projections:  55/7/65/.250/17

Jed Lowrie – The fact that the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball and this post both have Astros in the upside flyer section at the end of the post speaks volumes.  I share very little enthusiasm for Lowrie that others have.  Best case scenario, he hits 15 homers and steals 3 bases.  Over the course of the season, you’re looking at a guy that hits about 2 homers per month.  That gets boring by April 7th.  2012 Projections:  60/12/65/.260/3

Stephen Drew – I usually like to highlight guys at the bottom of this list to look at late, but we’re talking about shortstops here.  If you couldn’t tell from the dozen or so times I said there’s no good shortstops, here’s another indication.  For the first time in a while, Stephen Drew will not disappoint because no one is expecting anything from him.  The Royal We is not even sure if he’ll be able to play when the season rolls around.  Think about all the time we would’ve saved from drafting the two Drew boys if Mother Drew never met Father Drew.  Could someone travel back in time and make sure they never meet?  2012 Projections:  60/12/55/.270/5

Top 20 catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen are in the books.  What a strange, glorious trip it’s been!  Though not really.  Today, the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball get to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re cloudy with a chance of crapballs.  As I said in the 2nd baseball recap post, the shortstops are almost exactly as shallow as the shortstops and 3rd basemen.  Now it’s time to be a bit more specific.  The top ten shortstops were better than the 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen.  Yes, that is scary.  Though if you were in a deeper league or if you used an MI, the fall off from the 13th to 20th ranked shortstops is not pretty, whereas the 2nd basemen held their value as you dropped down the rankings.  3rd base was as big a mess in the lower half of the rankings as shortstops.  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Jose Reyes – I’m a huge Reyes fan and he didn’t disappoint this year.  He missed almost forty games and still was the top ranked shortstop.  If you filled him in halfway decently while he was injured, you had huge production from his spot.  He cut his K-rate by a solid margin, had a bit of luck on average but should’ve had more homers.  Six of one yadda³.  I kinda want to see him end up in Boston this offseason, but I’m also afraid his value will be inflated a’la Crawford and his injuries could resurface.  As for that whole sitting out to win the batting title thing, it doesn’t matter for fantasy.  It’s about as relevant as Miggy filling his jock strap with airplane bottles of liquor.  Turn down the treble and eliminate the noise.  On a side note, why is Jose Reyes freakin’ naked on the cover of ESPN, The Magazine?  I have girls back to my house and they don’t understand.  My moms sees this magazine and she’s questioning things.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the questions.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  110/12/60/.290/40, Final Numbers:  101/7/44/.337/39

2. Troy Tulowitzki – Imagine if I jumped out of DeLorean in March and told you Tulo would miss September, would you still have drafted him?  I’m guessing no.  I’m Guessing, II:  The Return of I’m Guessing; you would’ve regretted not drafting him.  I’m Guessing, III:  I Didn’t See The 2nd I’m Guessing But They’re Making Another One?; if you were in a H2H league, you probably would’ve regretted not drafting him less.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  95/30/105/.280/15, Final Numbers:  81/30/105/.302/9

3. Starlin Castro – Was one of those players that I wasn’t excited about in January when I did the rankings, then ended up with him on multiple teams because Rudy liked him a lot.  Sometimes Rudy’s smart.  (Sometimes last March Rudy told me he didn’t want Kemp on every team.  Sometimes I shouldn’t have listened.)   Preseason Rank #12, 2011 Projections:  75/5/55/.305/12, Final Numbers:  91/10/66/.307/22

4. Asdrubal Cabrera – He was ranked low by me in the preseason, but I did put him in a group of players you should take a flyer on at the end of the draft.  I’ve had much love for Asdrubal from the moment he burst on the scene with his easy-to-giggle-at first name.  Still, his power output this year is ridonkiculous.  25 homers?  Really?  Did Hanley and him urinate into a fountain as they made a wish at the same time?  (I ranked Asdrubal 22nd overall, but I said in the preseason blurb I’m only doing that to highlight him and he’s actually above Castro, so, ya know, don’t hate the ranker, hate the game.)  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  80/7/60/.295/20, Final Numbers:  87/25/92/.273/17

5. Elvis Andrus – Came pretty close to performing exactly as I thought he would, but, for full disclosure purposes (or porpoises if dolphins are reading), I wanted more from Andrus.  He reminds me of Brian McCann.   I expect them to break out in a huge way, then they perform well and I’m still slightly disappointed.  I’m telling you, one of these years Andrus is gonna give us a Reyes in his prime year.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  95/5/50/.270/45, Final Numbers:  96/5/60/.279/37

6. Emilio Bonifacio – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

7. Jimmy Rollins – Gave a much better season than I expected from him.  And it might’ve been better if it wasn’t for Utley’s injury.  While filling in the three hole (not like that!), Rollins’s line was 17/1/5/.271/5.  And you thought Utley only hurt you directly.  He’s giving you indirect reasons to dislike him.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  85/14/65/.260/20, Final Numbers:  87/16/63/.268/30

8. Erick Aybar – Back on January 18th (which is my birthday, mark it down!), I left Aybar off my top 20 preseason ranking and commenter, Fanthead, said, “Doesn’t Erick Aybar (who is not ranked) have the wherewithal to match (Alcides’s) numbers (70/3/40/.275/30)?”  Well, la di da!  Maybe Fanthead should do his own rankings!  And use words like wherewithal throughout!  I keed.  It was a good call by Fanthead.  Aybar did have the wherewithal.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/10/59/.279/30

9. Derek Jeter – Here’s what I said back in the preseason, “So I’ve been watching the first season of Friday Night Lights.  Great show.  I’d say SPOILER ALERT! but that season’s like seven years old.  Anyway, when Riggins was stealing Minka from Street, I kept imagining Street yelling, ‘So, Jeter, it’s okay to steal a cripple’s girlfriend, but you won’t fight a cripple?!’”  That has nothing to do with anything, but it made me laugh when I was reviewing what I had said.  Now Jeter’s on to the next one and Minka’s remaking a terrible show with an even worse show.  As for Jeter, what can be said about him that hasn’t been said before?  His power’s all but evaporated and he gets runs and average.  Yay or who cares?  Yay or who cares?  YAY OR WHO CARES?!  That’s what I’m asking you!  Sorry, lost my shizz there for a second.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  105/12/65/.280/15, Final Numbers:  84/6/61/.297/16

10. Jhonny Peralta – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

11. J.J. Hardy – The real mystery with Hardy is why is he ranked so low.  Maybe because he came so cheaply in drafts or off of waivers, but he seemed way more valuable than 11th overall.  If I were ranking these guys, I’d put Hardy above Bonifacio.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  76/30/80/.269

12. Alexei Ramirez – In May and September, he hit around .300 and didn’t steal one base.  Removing doubles, triples and homers, that’s fifty-eight times he was on first and just stood there like a cat stole his tongue… Well, that cliche doesn’t work, but you get my drift.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/17/70/.280/14, Final Numbers:  81/15/70/.269/7

13. Yunel Escobar – I could be guaranteed Yunel’s final line in March and I wouldn’t draft him.  I’d still prefer to draft someone who could actually be better with upside.  Preseason Rank #18, 2011 Projections:  75/10/60/.290/7, Final Numbers:  77/11/48/.290/3

14. Ian Desmond – Was he all that and a bag of Funyuns?  Nah, not exactly.  But I think you could’ve done worse with your MI.  And you put what I think in one of those 50′s supercomputers and it spits back at you, “So what?”  Have I learned my lesson with Desmond for next year?  He hit 8 homers and stole 25 bases, not sure what there is to learn.  I’ll take it every day for my MI and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  80/15/70/.280/20, Final Numbers:  65/8/49/.253/25

15. Alcides Escobar – If I may toot my own horn — though if I could actually toot my own horn, I’d never leave the house — I did really well with projections this year.  January Grey was locked in.  January Grey, “Funny you use that turn of a phrase cause I’m actually locked up in Guatemala.  Look for me on Locked Up Abroad!”  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/3/40/.275/30, Final Numbers:  69/4/46/.254/26

16. Cliff Pennington – Now we’re at the point in this exercise where you really shouldn’t have owned any of these guys all year long.  And, if you did, you’re not reading this anyway.  You’re over in our fantasy football or fantasy hockey or fantasy basketball section talking about how Grey’s a dumbass.  Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections:  60/5/40/.245/30, Final Numbers:  57/8/58/.264/14

17. Marco Scutaro – One good month and you too can get in the top 20 shortstops.  3 ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 shortstops!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/7/54/.299/4

18. Hanley Ramirez – On top of him taping heroin to your back and pushing you through a Turkish checkpoint, his name value made everything much worse.  I’ll explain.  If you have someone like Scutaro and he’s not performing, you drop him for someone else.  You have Hanley and you hold out hope until the bitter end.  Or worse, you trade for him thinking he’s gonna bounce back.  Yeah, Hanley killed some teams this year.  We may forgive, we will never forget.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/26/100/.310/25, Final Numbers:  55/10/45/.243/20

19. Darwin Barney – Went over him the top 20 2nd basemen post.

20. Yuniesky Betancourt – His name anagrams to Batter Nine You Sucky.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/13/68/.252/4

Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run.  Great, tremendous, gremendous!  Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year.  The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!”  Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!”  A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!”  Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings.  Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings.  Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings.  That’s probably give or take five innings.  Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes.  Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings.  Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson.  Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues.  Oh, and have a good Labor Day.  I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers.  You should be laboring.  That’s what you get for not having an education.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year.  If only this news came out in March.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer.  Put a note on the Comatose Twins Fan to ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s also hitting .400 over the week.  The Mariners have good reason to be excited, but that’s mostly because The Big FraGu is out for the year.  So much easier than diverting one’s eyes.

Jose Bautista – First to reach 40 homers.  I’ll say my miss on Bautista this year was the ultimate Mr. Bungle move.

Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 with his fifth homer of the year.  Or the sixth lowest homer total of all players with a full season of at-bats.  He’s tied with Maicer Izturis, but Maicer has almost a hundred less ABs.  Jeter reminds me of something.  You’ll never sleep with as many women as you’d like to?  No, random italicized voice.  He reminds how terrible name recognition can be for fantasy baseball.

Alex Rodriguez – Returned over the weekend and hit a homer yesterday.  That’s his 15th homer this year, or how many times he’s openly begged Jeter for his approval.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with his 25th homer.  Was also his fourth homer in the past 4 games and has 23 steals on the year with only 2 caught stealings.  Sure, the average (.245) is a bit blehtastic, but that could easily be at .270 as he continues to prove the Ranger hitters credo, “If healthy, good.”  So it’s not the snappiest credo, but it’s accurate.

Nelson Cruz – Says he can get back prior to the estimated three weeks.  Cool, that means he can get another injury in before the end of the year.  Take odds, Vegas.  Take odds.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer as he hits .293.  Imagine he didn’t go through stretches where his manager temporarily benches him because Napoli’s hitting on their daughter.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his third steal in the three games since he returned.  Mouth on the left side of the screen says, SAG.  Mouth on the right side of the screen says, NOF.  They come together for SAGNOF.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Took over Jar-Jar’s spot in the rotation and meesa tinks he’ll stay in the rotation for the better part of the rotation.  He’s still a rookie that could give a solid six inning start, a four inning/four earned run turd or something in the middle like today.  In other words, he’s a’ight for NL-Only leagues.  In other other words, last week I was in my other other Benz.

Brennan Boesch – Done for the year with thumb surgery.  Boesch & Thumb contact rends.

Johan Santana – News has changed once again for Johan.  First, he’s coming back in June.  Then he’s coming back in July.  Wait, he’ll be back, definitely, in August.  Nope, he’s not returning.  Yes, he’ll be back next week.  Or the final week of the season.  Or not at all.  Whatever the Mets say, he’s not worth owning anyway.

Mike Stanton – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  He’s day-to-day.  If everyone wants to sign a card and have me deliver it to him, I’m hiding in the bushes next to his garage.  I mean, get well soon, Mike.  I mean… No, that’s what I meant.  *nervous laughter*

Hanley Ramirez – Has been confirmed that he will have shoulder surgery.  With some hard work and a dedication to being the best, he’ll be ready to go for the start of next season.  So, he won’t be ready.  I’m going to gauge things further this offseason, but I’m almost certainly not going anywhere near him next year.  I try to stay away from players coming off big surgeries, unless I feel like the injury wasn’t something that could linger.  You know, like Morneau this year.  Now I’m done with all players coming off a major injury/surgery.  Show me one player who overperformed coming off a major injury and I’ll show you 25 that didn’t.

Jon Jay – Homered yesterday and 6 for his last 11.  He also expressed his pride for the way the original thirteen colonies bounced back from Hurricane Irene.

Jason Motte – On Saturday, he recorded the save, then on Sunday Salas gave up a run and lost the game.  If you’re a save vulture circling around for some tasty meat to feed on, I’d peck on Motte.

Torii Hunter – Says he might retire after the 2012 season.  This is neither funny nor interesting (which is implying other things I write are, but anyway…), Hunter will almost certainly have a job at a major network as an analyst.

Carlos Carrasco – Might be headed for TJ surgery, which involves a copious amount of tequila and two donkeys.  No, that’s Tijuana surgery.  My bad.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers and 6 people hospitalized after he high-fived his teammates.

Juan Francisco – 4-for-5 yesterday and homered on Friday.  He’s now started three of four games since he was recalled.  Not mixed league worthy yet, but I got my pet marmoset watching him closely.  I only have so much time.

Sean Marshall – Notched his fourth save as Marmol sat on the bench and thought about what he had done on Saturday.  Ya know, give up a grand slam to Derrek Lee.  Marmol’s still probably the closer, if only to frustrate Cubs fans and his fantasy owners.

Carlos Beltran – 8 for his last 11 as he carries the Giants to a solid 2nd place finish.

Brian Wilson – Threw off the mound on Sunday, but there’s no timetable for his return.  The Giants could opt to shut down Wilson if they fall out of the race, but he seems like the type that would want to return even if the Giants’ playoff chances are remote.  Though I might have a facial hair basis.

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3 as he was recalled, with recall being the optimal word considering how he’s played thus far.  I’d be shocked if the Padres don’t find a way to get Jesus Guzman’s bat in the lineup on a consistent basis since he’s batting .337.  Even if the Padres just Mad Lib first base on the lineup card, Blanks will probably be filled in the most with Rizzo’s promotion.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, now hitting near .350 over the last week with two homers and two steals.  Right now, Dexter is murdering the ball.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks vs. the Astros.  Crazy the lineup of Jordan Schafer, Paredes, Martinez, Bogus..etc. didn’t give him a harder time.  The team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together would have a hard time beating the Little League Champions two out of three games.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Member when he was good?  In like April.  Ah, yeah, good times.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5 with a steal.  Now 10 for his last 18 with a homer and two steals.  He’s been so hot Pirate cameramen have been asked to only film him from the waist up.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Due to an umpire call, the game is under review.  A fan interfered with a Pence double, which was overturned with instant replay.  Charlie Manuel then argued that there’s no such cotton-pickin’ thing as instant replay and the moon is made of green cheese.  We’ll await the MLB’s Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre’s decision.  I’d say it’s pretty likely the call is overturned and the game resumes with Torre’s final verdict being, “Hey, whatever gets more middle relievers in the game.”

With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin.  Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st.  Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A.  It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan.  Martin has plus-plus speed.  Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings.  He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up.  If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy.  Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months.  Let him play the field in a bubble.  He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process.  I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday.  He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on.  If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly.  He’s looking at me.  We got mamihlapinatapai.

Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side.  And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder.  After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.

Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago?  Yeah, this start was what I wanted.  Way to make a guy wait.

Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves.  La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you.  Now please donate money to PETA.  I have bunnies to save.”

Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season.  I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers.  I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils.  Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay.  I still don’t trust him.  Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year.  See, I haven’t worked on them yet.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts.  Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.

Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd.  She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER.  To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.

Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI.  I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.

Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else.  It’s a’ight.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings.  Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks.  You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?”  Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage?  I’d love to, sweetie!”   Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer.  At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust.  Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever.  This headline just writes the joke for you.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter.  He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him.  As of right now, he’s not struggling at all.  Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat.  Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).

Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust.  Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust!  That’s next March, April and May Grey.  BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.

Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer.  Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump?  Oh, everyone.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal.  I love…Wait, not strong enough.  I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags.  Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks.  13 Ks!!!!!  Wow!!!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense.  13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.

Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers.  Really not an awful season.  Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great.  Follow?

Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.

Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series.  In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up.  I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits.  Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.

David Ortiz must not have fed the meter yesterday because he was fitted with a boot.  Southie police officer, “You ahr naht above the lah!  Now sign my badge for my boy, Tommy.”  Turns out Big Papi has right heel bursitis, which is a fancy word that eHow has seven useless articles about that is essentially inflammation.   Now if he has a doctor that stutters, no one will know if he’s saying “heel heel” or “heal heel.”  Or maybe he’s not a stutterer at all, but everyone who finds out his occupation just thinks he stutters because he says he’s a heel healer.  These are the things I worry about.  Your fantasy team should only have bunny ears without Papi for about a week.  He’s a quick healer (heel healer, heel? Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever?)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adrian Gonzalez – Francona said he thinks his sore neck is to account for A-Gon’s lack of power.  I’m not so sure, McGwire and Canseco had no necks and they hit plenty of homers.

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Last year, his xFIP was high and his walk rate was a bit high.  This year, it’s the polar opposite.  Right now, he’s pitching much better than even his 3.59 ERA is showing with a great K and walk rate.  In 2012, we’re gonna have to go all in again with Price.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer.  In 343 ABs, he has 67 RBIs and only 79 hits.  I’m sure Jayson Stark could write a whole article about that, but that’s all I have to say on that subject.

Brian Wilson – Out for a few days with an inflamed elbow.  Pablo Sandoval, “Can I make smores on his elbow?”  I have no confirmation of this, but it sounds like Wilson’s headed for a DL stint.  If you can, I’d grab Ram-Ram and Affeldt, in that order assuming you don’t convert these posts to Hebrew.

Miguel Olivo – Sat out yesterday, and left Tuesday’s game after being hit in the jaw with a foul tip.  That was like watching a sequel to Carlos Zambrano vs. Michael Barrett, except the ball wasn’t as tightly wound as Zambrano.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  His WHIP is now 1.24, he has 154 Ks in 132 2/3 IP and 154 Ks to 50 walks.  How is his ERA 4.41?  Actually, don’t answer that, just give it as a reason to your leaguemates next year why they shouldn’t draft him, then you do.

Michael Cuddyer – Will probably end up on the DL Thursday morning, which is right now.  Hey!

Rene Tosoni – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  Pretty marginal player but he makes a wonderful salmon en papillote.

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks and 129 pitches as the Sciosciapath was too distracted by Mike Napoli in the opposing dugout to lift Ervin.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He finally gets his ERA under 4.  I’m sure in March you were expecting me to say that in the middle of August.

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-3 with his 17th homer and 64 RBI.  He’s also batting .311.  I would’ve gave my Ken Phelps rookie card for Stephen Drew to put up those numbers this year.  (BTW, you wanna laugh?  Read Ken Phelps’ Wikipedia summary.  Tell me he didn’t write that himself.  It’s like saying, “His coke bottle glasses hides his warm inviting eyes.”)

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA is now at 3.33.  He’s been completely serviceable this year, but there’s some pitchers I just won’t own, no matter the matchup.  Lohse is one of tohse.

Allen Craig – 4-for-5 with two homers.  I need to see him guaranteed everyday ABs before I’d add him.

Yadier Molina – 3-for-5 and a steal.  Yesterday, I was looking at grabbing a hitter off waivers following my rules and I kept coming back to Yadier, so I picked up Ramon Ramirez.

Jose Tabata – Hit his 4th homer in his 2nd game back.  I wouldn’t grab him for the power, but if you’re hurting for speed you can swing for Tuh-bata-bata-bata.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-5 as the Yankees wore their 2009 throwback uniforms.

Stephen Strasburg – Davey Johnson said that Strasburg could return on September 2nd.  Sounds like the Nats will be planking on a lot less unsold tickets.

Kyle Blanks – Sat out yesterday with back soreness, which left fans in the left field bleachers confused why their tickets said obstructed view.

Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 and he got the Paul O’Neill home run — a triple and a error.

Kurt Suzuki – 2 homers.  He must be drinking the same Hawaiian Punch as Shane Victorino.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th home run.  He must’ve sprayed his bat with Windex.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Aints.  I would’ve started Jar-Jar in this start too, so I get it, but it’s always a risky proposition when a pitcher is returning from the DL, especially one whose peripherals are saying he’s not pitching as well as his ERA is saying.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  ERA is now at 1.89.  For the love of Murray Chass, please don’t let the correction come until next year.

Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He didn’t quite *pinkie to mouth* domiNate.  Just about any NL West starter is worth a looksie, but Eovaldi is likely to get shutdown or moved to the bullpen after his next start or two.

Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has a decent WHIP (1.23), but I’d chalk up this solid start to vs. the Padres in Petco more than Gee.

Jose Reyes – Scheduled to run Friday.  I don’t think he has the requisite credentials but he can’t be worse than Michelle Bachman and Rick Perry.