Fantasy Baseball Advice

I call this, “Highlights of Grey and Rudy Panicking Over a Blown Win for Danks,” which is also a Jewel poem title.  Chris Sale entered in the ninth, recorded no outs, gave up three hits and three runs.  That, sir, is a ‘Fire Sale.’  Then Ozzie brought in Crain, who has a great leg kick.  He’s not the best around… Pitched wild, didn’t look good in general then was lifted so Ozzie could avoid Crain vs. Sweeney, which sounds like a Tim Burton film, and brought in Matt Thornton.  Bringing in a struggling Thornton with the bases loaded in a 4-2 game is like helping someone with impotence problems by filming them have sex.  In the end, Rudy and I lost our Danks win.  Is all that clear?  Yeah, I don’t know either.  I’d hold Thornton and Sale, in that order.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Pierre – 3-for-4 with a run, but would be most valuable in leagues that count brain farts.  He was picked off twice and made his 3rd error of the year.  You’d expect better judgement from someone named after two apostles.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  Now he can reward himself with his epic porn collection.

Jay Bruce – Tweaked his groin.  Hey, sounds like Matsui!  Reds say Bruce should return by the weekend.  Matsui would tell you through a translator that’s prime groin tweaking time.

Jose Valverde – Recorded his 2nd win in two days.  In one of our leagues, we only have one win for the entire team after two weeks.  I must’ve killed puppies in a former life for my Win Karma.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After the game, Max reentered Michael Chabon’s latest book about the search for Golem.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-3, 5 RBIs and his fourth homer in three games.  Sure, it’ll end but there’s no reason why you can’t be there while it’s happening.

Jorge Posada – Now has 4 homers in the first two weeks.  The same number of homers as A-Rod.  Guys and three girl readers, why do you keep asking me if you should drop him?  If he gets 4 homers a month (24 homers on the year), what else do you want?  Why is it so hard to not pick at your catcher scab?  You’re gonna leave a scar.

David Murphy – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  As I said yesterday, you should pick him up.  Wait, is there an echo in here?

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Time for our first installment of Point/Counterpoint.  Rudy says, “He’s #3 risky pitcher of 2011 and is pitching like he’s trying to prove me correct.  He’s now 0-3 with a 9.42 ERA and hasn’t pitched more than 5 innings per start.  On the plus side, he only walked one in this game after walking 8 in his first 9 1/3 IP.”  Grey says, “He had a terrible fourth inning with a bunch of junky singles.  He only threw 78 pitches (53 strikes) into the 6th inning and the last run was given up by Glen Perkins, the pancake king.  I’d roll the dice for his next start vs. the O’s, then reevaluate.”

Denard Span – 4-for-5, 2 Runs.  A leadoff man who gets 4 singles and doesn’t steal a base is in a nutshell why I don’t like Denard Dawg.

Drew Storen – Riggleman said Storen will continue to share save chances with Sean Burnett.  Don’t you need to give Storen save chances before he can share them?

Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer.   Matt Wieters Fact:  The only person that can get Matt Wieters out is himself.

Tim Stauffer – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I had Wood (not like that) and Stauffer going in many leagues yesterday.  Wood looked great, should be owned everywhere.  Stauffer is a borderline fifth starter that I’d continue to roll out there for home games for one reason alone, watching a game at Petco is what I imagine watching baseball in 1968 was like.

Orlando Hudson – 1-for-4, and his 5th steal.  He’s the Padres hitting star.  I.e. the world’s tallest midget.

Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, which usually would be nothing but he was only throwing 92 MPH… Which Usually Would Be Nothing, Part II:  The Return of Which Usually Would Be Nothing, that’s nowhere near his top velocity.  Dusty might’ve figured out a way to injure Aroldis while not even throwing him that much.  It’s an (anti-)medical breakthrough!

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks.  To celebrate, his brother, Gosh Johnson, sprayed his co-workers with champagne.  At least, everyone hopes it was champagne.

Logan Morrison – Hit his third homer and is batting .317 on the year.  I don’t know, sounds okay to me.

Vernon Wells – 1-for-5 and now batting .102, which is also the temperature under the collars of his fantasy owners.

Ian Kennedy – 3 IP, 9 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh, ouch.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts, though one was against the M’s in Safeco.  Have to be in an AL-Only league to get excited about him or any Indians starter.  BTW, Carmona ‘n Carrasco sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant.  “Forget your pinatas, hit us!”  That’s their slogan.

Wandy Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Obviously wasn’t a great start, but the five runs came with two outs in the 1st.  If he gets that third out there, Wandy would’ve been fine.  (And if if’s and but’s were prunes and nuts, we’d all have to wear diapers.)

Jon Niese – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I hate to move on in only the second week of April, but I’ve had it with Niese and his rock n’ jock aerobics.

Justin Smoak – Hit his first homer.  He’s not in the greatest home park/lineup for production, but at some point his OBP and power are going to make me look brilliant for liking him even if it was a year or two early.  BTW,  the Mariners lineup yesterday — Ichiro, Adam Kennedy, Milton Bradley, Jack Cust, Smoak, Ryan Langerhans, Luis Rodriguez, Brendan Ryan and Chris Gimenez.  That’s murderer’s row.  As in, I’d murder the GM if I were an M’s fan.

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  These guys may seem like they’re not worth the effort, but remember last year Colby Rasmus, Drew Stubbs and Corey Hart were found here.  As with the other 2011 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

41. Travis Snider – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Pagan.  I call this tier, “I’m grabbing at least one of these guys as my third or fourth outfielder.”  I’m all in again with Snider.  I’m rolling Snider into my sleeve like a pack of smokes and unclogging his pipes.  Okay, that sounded bad.  Not bad as in good but bad as in bad.  In 82 games, Snider hit 14 homers.  I’m not one to prorate stats unless you just have to double something, so over 164 games (assuming a four way tie for the playoffs and the Jays play two extra games and Snider plays in every single game a’la some Cal Gehrig Jr. shizz), Snider’s going to hit 28 homers!  Pretty sweet, right?  Okay, see that prorating thing doesn’t even work because Snider is young and can be better in 2011 than he was in 2010.  And he can be healthier.  Want more effusiveness?  Try my Snider fantasy for 2011.  2011 Projections: 65/27/80/.270/5

42. Delmon Young – I dropped a triple tissue already on my Delmon Young fantasy for 2011.  There was only three typos in the whole post.  “Grey, you created a work of art!  Sorry, Miles, that means you’re eliminated.”  Young is teetering between a solid upside pick and an overrated pick, which worries me.  He’s not going to put up the numbers that, say, Jay Bruce could.  He’s mooby like Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval but he shares their power too.  Okay, a tad more, but not much.  Aside, there should be a Razzball glossary term for these fat guys that are missing the big time power.  2011 Projections:  75/24/85/.300/7

43. Carlos Quentin – I should’ve called this tier, “To wit, guys I didn’t learn my lesson with.” “To wit” because it makes me sound smart.  Though saying that it makes me sound smart makes me sound dumb.  The irony!  I’m not calling Quentin a sleeper this year.  I’m not going caca-cuckoo for him this year.  I do like him and I do think his upside really is his 2008 MVP-like season, which is crazy valuable.  His downside is every other season though.  His ability to get injured is almost as uncanny as his resemblance to Jose Canseco.  2011 Projections:  80/27/90/.260/3

44. Adam Jones – Another guy that I wish I could say I’m done with, but old habits die yadda³.  I’m really excited to draft Jones this year.  I might even write a sleeper post about him.  Still think he can make good on some of that promise that he failed to live up to last year.  He’s going to move up the outfielder ranks for next year.  I can feel it in my bones.  Speaking of bones, what happened to the picture of Adam Jones looking stoned?  2o11 Projections:  85/25/95/.295/12 (<–optimistic but whatevs)

45. Nick Markakis – Member when this schmohawk was a top 20 outfielder?  Trick question, he never was.  There was a time when fantasy baseball ‘perts said he was.  At the end of every season though, Markakis left you with blue balls.  Markakis’ homer totals from 2007 are as follows:  23, 20, 18, 12.  If this were a SAT question and you had to guess his 2011 homer total, the answer would be like 6.  The way he’s going, Juan Pierre’s going to outhomer him by 2013.  I like Markakis’ plate discipline and I think he’s young enough to bounce back, but I’m not reaching for him.  He falls to me and I’ll grab him.  2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.305/10

46. Ryan Raburn – Went over Raburn’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post and I dropped a Raburn fantasy sleeper on you too.  I love Raburn this year.  And I loved him before Karabelly.  To wit!

47. Andres Torres – On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.  2011 Projections:  75/12/45/.260/25

48. Angel Pagan – It’s appropriate that he falls right next to Torres in the rankings because they’re pretty much the same player.  Took a while in the minors because of injuries, does have some slight power and good speed, and he’s older than most guys who just get on the scene.  I really don’t like one more than the other.  Could’ve put Pagan above Torres.  They ended up this way because Pagan has a bit less power.  I would not draft both on the same team.  Unless I was trying to lose.  Then I would.  2011 Projections:  75/9/45/.280/25

49. Jason Bay – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ibanez.  I call this tier, “That last tier was fun, wasn’t it?  Yeah, this tier not so much.”  I suppose Jay Bay can bounce back.  But when you suppose, you make a supp out of you and me.  Hmm… That makes no sense.  Fenway inflated Bay’s power.  He’s kinda a 20+ homer hitter in a neutral park.  He picks and chooses his running spots carefully… A little too carefully so he’s not going to put up a huge steal season.  It’s all a’ight, but he’s in Metco, he’s getting old and I think his name value will cost you more than he’s worth.  I’d take two (other outfielders) and pass.  2011 Projections:  70/18/80/.265/10

50. Alfonso Soriano – I’m telling you right now or write now, if homonyms always get you, this tier is not going to be that interesting to read.  I suggest you put on some music and half pay attention to the next few names.  Maybe hire a homeless person to read it for you.  That could be fun.  2011 Projections:  65/22/75/.260/5

51. Michael Cuddyer – See Kubel, Jason.  Or an 1/8th of an inch below.  2011 Projections:  85/20/80/.275/5

52. Jason Kubel – The Twins manage to consistently field a team that is solid in regular baseball terms but underwhelms for fantasy.  Not everyone, of course.  It’s a generalization.  Go with it.  2011 Projections:  75/24/85/.270

53. Chris Coghlan – If he does start at 2nd base, he’ll have nice value there.  In the outfield, Coghlan’s Law says anything else is always better.  2011 Projections:  95/8/60/.300/17

54. Denard Span – See Kubel or a half of an inch above.  For those of you who look at Span and think he’s a cheap underrated option, 6 homers and 24 steals over the course of the season breaks down to one homer and 4 steals per month.  That’s like watching the paint dry in a public restroom.  2011 Projections:  90/6/60/.280/24

55. Raul Ibanez – Maybe I should’ve just titled this tier, “Yawn.”  Or, “Draft these guys and drop them by April 7th when someone much more exciting starts hitting.”  Your call.  2011 Projections:  70/20/85/.270/3

56. Logan Morrison – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until we get to the top 80 outfielders.  I call this tier, “I just had to get out of that last boring tier, so here’s some fun upside guys again.”  It’s time for Morrison to break on through.  See what I did there?  I’m a freakin’ genius!  Though I do tend to spell genius wrong.  Thank you, spellchecker!  Morrison will probably disappoint in 2011.  Oh, he’ll be a good one at some point, but I’m not sure he’s going to be there yet in 2011.  Probably a bit up and down this year.  This high ranking is due to his August and September and his minor league stats.  In those last two months, he hit .297.  A Morrison-type pick usually translates to a guy who has one bad month and people drop him across most 12 team leagues, i.e., this comment, “Grey, Cuddyer’s hot and Morrison’s not doing anything, should I switch them out?  BTW, love the stache.  Rock it, Grey, rock it!”  For Morrison’s upside, I’m placing him here.  2011 Projections:  65/18/80/.290/5

57. Dexter Fowler – “Aw, sookie.”  That’s me getting excited about Fowler again this year.  What do you want me to say?  I’m a sucker for this guy.  If shizz breaks right, he’s basically Tabata.  Okay, maybe that’s not the most exciting way to put it.  How about this?  Give Fowler 600 ABs, he could steal 35+ and hit 10+ homers.  That’s good for a late round flier.  2011 Projections:  75/8/40/.270/20

58. Domonic Brown – (UPDATE:  Don’t draft Brown outside of keeper leagues.)  Here’s my rejected Penthouse letter about my Domonic Brown fantasy.  You’re probably throwing away your draft pick by going with Brown (or Desmond Jennings, who I’ll get to).  Their value will probably be at its highest the day before the season starts.  If you find the guy in your league that loves them some rookie nookie, I’d look to move them.  To do this, pay attention to who in your draft room says something like, “Oh, man!  Great pick.  I was going to grab Jennings (or Brown) with my next pick.”  There’s always one of those doodes.  Or doodettes (for our 3 girl readers). 2011 Projections: 55/12/70/.290/14 30/8/40/.275/10

59. Lorenzo Cain – In most leagues, you’re not going to hold any of the outfielders in this tier for very long so you may as well try for some upside.  If it doesn’t pan out the first couple of weeks of the season, you drop them.  I’d also gamble on any outfielder who is hitting well in Spring Training who isn’t on this list.  They’re flyers, ya’ll.  I briefly warmed up my Lorenzo Cain fantasy already.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball but I’m gunning for Cain as my fifth outfielder in a lot of leagues.  He’ll probably put up the numbers you’re hoping Coco Crisp gives you.  2011 Projections:  70/7/40/.275/30

60. Desmond Jennings – This tier just got foxy!  Wanna get hotter under your collar?  See my Desmond Jennings fantasy.  Unfortunately, the Rays are going conservative (read: cheap!) and supposedly leaving Jennings in the minors.  The Damon and Manny signings don’t help Desmond’s cause.  But he’s my constant!  Situation is obviously fluid until we’re out of Spring Training.  In non-keepers, I wouldn’t draft him if he doesn’t break camp with the team.  In keepers, I’d go after him.  2011 Projections:  55/3/25/.270/20 (if call up is June 1st)

Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery.  This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs.  Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.  Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it.   Hopefully your options are better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL.  Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base.  Hold on, whaaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.

Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9.  Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.

David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle.  Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”

Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler.  Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield.  Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs?  Fowler has great speed and good on base skills.  If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited.  I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens.  Behrens!

Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it.  It’s not good.  Let’s move on.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life.  (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.

John Lackey - 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday.  I’m done with this schmohawk.  You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays.  It’s over for Lackey and I.  I should’ve never drafted him to begin with.  Have a nice life, don’t write!

Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia.  Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year.  That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.

B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria.  Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there.  He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300.  It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  I <3 Votto.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.

J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team.  Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz.  Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  Really?  He’s your three hole hitter?  This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes.  Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I almost sat him vs. The Adverb.  Sonavabenching averted.

Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.

Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered.  It’s a nice sign.  Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta.  We might have a live one, ya’ll.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12.  Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.

Prince Fielder – He got a little “How’s your father?” in yesterday’s 2nd half hitter post and hit 2 homers yesterday.  And only one of them was a solo shot!

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 and is hitting .480 over his 25 ABs this year.  Not getting consistent playing time, but the peasant Royals may want to reconsider that.

Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs.  Look at Denard Dawg getting it done.  Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants.  Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls.  No, not in that way.  He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing.  In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls.  No, still not like that.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley.  Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.

Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year.  Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April?  Good times!

Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring.  Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4.  Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day.  In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.

Mike Napoli – Hit his team-leading 14th homer yesterday as the Angels keep trying to shop him for some power.  Can’t make this stuff up.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA.  Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley.  After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.

Here’s what my crystal ball said on March 5th, “(Medlen) averaged over a K an inning last year.  Will start the year as an MR, barring an injury to someone… *cough* Jar Jar *cough*.  Medlen will get into the rotation shortly.  Meesa tinks Jar Jar won’t make it the whole year healthy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Kris Medlen is now the starter as the Braves wash Jurrjens out of their hair for at least three weeks while he deals with a strained hamstring.  I grabbed Medlen in one league where it made sense.  He gets a tough first matchup going against the Phillies at Citizens Flank.  If Medlen pitches well in his first start, he’ll be added everywhere.  So depending how bad you need him, you add him now or prepare to rush to grab him on Saturday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a sore groin, which would be a good name for a Viagra-type drug, but spelled “soar” and with an exclamation mark.  Oh, and speaking of groins…

Bobby Cox – The congratulatory cake made by the Senate for Bobby Cox had an unfortunate misspelling.  Maybe Jim Eisenreich was the baker.

Andy Pettitte – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and left with elbow inflammation.  That’s now three of the core four that are sore.  Jeter better take it easy on the pasta diving.

Nick Johnson – 3-for-3 with a homer.  He has a .171 average and a .396 OBP.  That almost seems impossible, right?  Seriously, no joke.  Batting in front of Tex and A-Rod and he leads the league in walks.  Incredible.

Alfredo Aceves – Got the save since Joba was used the last two days.  This was after the Orioles pitched Alfredo Simon.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two guys named after pasta sauce appeared in the same game since Alfredo Griffin and Bolognese Penne squared off in 1982.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Thomas, in accounting, broke his own record of 37 minutes when he took 45 minutes to sign a birthday card with ‘Your (sic) the best.’”

Adam Jones – Missed the game with dreckitude, I mean, a hip strain.  He’s supposed to play on Thursday.  Yay.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday.  Or the same amount of homers as Andruw Jones.  That’s only 7 more homers than Teixeira.  Pardon me as I go stick my head in the oven.

Aramis Ramirez – Hey, the power of persuasion worked!  Aramis was moved down the order.  Now how about my Powerball numbers coming in!

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and lucky to get out with the Win.  Last year, Slowey had screws put in his wrist and now he’s putting the screws to his owners.  The screws seem to be effecting his pinpoint control that made him the pitcher that he was.  In 2009, through 90+ innings, he had 15 walks.  He has 11 through 34+ innings this year.

Denard Span – 11 for his last 22 and has 7 Steals and 19 Runs on the season.  Heading for exactly the type of season I thought he would when I put him down for 100/10/70/.300/22.

David Ortiz – Hit his third homer in four games, while he bats .171.  Yeah, he’s “not done,” he’s just a “very poor imitation of his younger self.”

Huston Street – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Monday which will put him on schedule to return in about two weeks.

Franklin Morales – His leash got even shorter last night.  If you’re looking for vulture saves, grab Corpas.

Johnny Damon – Left yesterday’s game with a right calf spasm.  Damon is day-to-day, man. (<–almost a palindrome!)

Miguel Cabrera – 2 homers as he took a double shot off the Slow Twin Fizz.

Alex Avila – Hit his first two homers of the season yesterday.  I grabbed him in a deep 2 catcher league hoping this is a sign of a potential breakout.  He does need to do battle with Laird for the starting job, but Laird’s hitting .141 with one homer and a bruised shin.  Not a braised shin though, which is delicious!

Manny Ramirez – Returns on Saturday after playing today for the Inland Empire, which is on the planet Naboo.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his third homer.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals, which is yawnstipating while it’s happening, but it’s still 12/12 at the end of the year.  Now someone just needs to convince Riggleman Desmond should be in the two hole and not the crap that is usually there.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA now stands at 1.49.  His xFIP is 4.09, which means he’s getting very lucky, but no one thought Zito was a sub-2 ERA pitcher anyway, right?

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Or one more homer than Ryan Howard.  Zoinks!

Carlos Lee – Home run.  Final Lee.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Frequent commenter, penpen, brought up a good point.  With Romero, Morrow and Cecil, the Jays are like the high risk/high reward hodgepadres.  The hodgepodjays:  They’ll give you Ks and solid games against bad teams.  Then tie you to the WHIPping post and get beat in what should be good matchups.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4, and his fourth homer.  He’s one hot streak away from being exactly where he was last year.  Recognize!  Or don’t.  Your call.

Fred Lewis – 5 for his last 10.  So far in his career he’s had “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production, but the Jays are pushing the issue with him as their leadoff man, so maybe the stability can produce the 15/15 season he’s hinted at in the past.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back decent starts.  Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment, but Cueto can pitch well if he finds his groove.

Jose Reyes – 0-for-5 as his average falls to .225.  I’m kinda at the point where I’m glad he’s not batting leadoff so maybe he gets one less at-bat.

Chris Perez – 1 2/3 IP, 3 unearned as he blew the save with the Ticker Shock.

Milton Bradley – Left in the middle of Tuesday’s game telling the manager, “I’m out of here.”  Ironically, Milton Bradley produces Sorry and not Risk.

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2010 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2010 Twins Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Minnesota native Sooze over at Babes Love Baseball.

1) Last year, the Yankees’ and Mets’ new stadia (or ‘stadiums’ for the bourgeois) had a huge impact on hitter values.  Any word on whether Target Field will lead to some hitter bargains?

It looks like Target Field will actually be more of a neutral park, which favors neither hitters nor pitchers, but there are a couple interesting aspects: there is a ton less foul territory than there was at the Metrodome, and outfielders will actually be able to spot the baseballs in the sky as opposed to losing them in the whiteness of the dome.  Also, it’s a three-foot longer trip to straight-away center field, which houses a few black spruce trees, so I suppose that makes it more of a pitcher-friendly stadium.  I wonder how often it will snow there?

2) Joe Mauer turned on the power last year hitting one less HR (28) than he had in 2006-2008.  He hit a ridiculous 16 of those HRs to the opposite field.  The average on the projection systems is about 20.  What do you think – over, under, or push on 20 HRs in 2010 for Mauer.

Over. He missed the entire month of April last season, and there is nothing — including his .429 batting average and .600 slugging percentage so far this Spring — which says he will under-perform compared to 2009.  I say he nails 30 bombs and 100 RBI this year.  And then proposes to me.

3) The Twins OF of Cuddyer/Span/Delmon Young with some Kubel thrown in projects to be rather awful defensively.  Any concerns on how this might impact the young Twins pitchers?

4) Give me the over/under/push on the following:
Morneau 29 HRs — over
Kubel 80 RBI – push
Span 25 SB – push
Punto 1 HR — under (seriously. He’ll have negative 1 probably)
Slowey 150 IP — over
Liriano 4.50 ERA — under

5) Ron Gardenhire has an understandable weakness for light-hitting infielders given he was one during his playing career.  Are you concerned he might gillooly Orlando Hudson or JJ Hardy to make sure he can get both Nick Punto and Brendan Harris into the lineup?

I hope Gardy doesn’t mess with the middle infield, I like it just the way it is.  Punto and Harris are just going to have to deal with being mediocre at best, and thank their lucky stars they are even on a big league roster.  And then they can high five each other on their way back to the bench during the platoon switch.