What if we’re all living inside a Boston masshole’s dream? This is Inception, and we all fell asleep sometime after Tom Brady was drafted, but before the Patriots won their first Super Bowl. Then, due to some plantains you ate before you went to sleep, the Red Sox grabbed David Ortiz from Minnesota for nothing, and you got a kidney stone and were peeing blood but it all came out on Curt Schilling’s sock, and the Red Sox won the World Series, and then, because you fell asleep to The Apprentice, Trump became president, and now Andrew Benintendi goes 5-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .347. This has to be possible, doesn’t it? What if our world is like Herman’s Head, but we’re inside Prospector Ralph’s head? Is Somalia in a famine because Prospector Ralph is too worried about Rick Porcello and forgot to eat? Eat, Ralph! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
28.4, 12.2, 21.4, 34.1, 24.9, 43.6, 28.7, 31.4. What Power Forward game log is this? You have a 7x day where he puts up 20 points and 15 rebounds, a day where he flopped hard because he got in foul trouble, and then a lot of 4x and 5x scores. Wait, what’s that? It is the last 8 games of Eric Thames? That’s absurd. I’m not even saying he’s a great play simply because of his last 8 games, but Adam Wainwright’s a decent innings muncher, who is losing the ability to get ground balls so Thames is in play again, even at his elevated price. Are we at the point where Thames is always in play because he’s a good hitter who obliterated the KBO and will spend 2017 obliterating major league pitching. I think the previous sentence answers your question. You might be asking where does Eric Thames rank in the greatest hitting seasons ever with a minimum 50 PAs? And I would tell you that it’s not first, it’s actually 2nd. Yes, Eric Thames 281 wRC+ ranks 2nd. That’s because Freddie Freeman this year has a 282. It helps when you decide that outs really aren’t your thing for 3 games. I’m also sure you are wondering who’s 3rd, and I will tell you that this year Bryce Harper is 3rd at 256. We’ve had some insane starts this year, but only one of them is making crotchety old pitching coaches and grumpy veteran pitchers subtly hint “things.”
On to the picks as soon as Freddie Freeman makes an out…wait, that may be a while…I’ll just do the picks now…Please, blog, may I have some more?
After fourteen drafts/auctions I am finally done selecting players. It was a long (and tiring) stretch of two weeks, but I don’t regret one thing. Although give me a few more days of watching my pitchers get knocked around and I might have a change of heart. The aforementioned drafts consisted of four points league auctions, one points league snake draft, five various mock drafts with the fantasy baseball gurus over at CBS, and four Razzball Commentator Leagues, concluding with the Razzball Experts league. Towards the end, my selections almost began to feel robotic. Something akin to a human auto-drafter. And while we’re discussing auto-drafting, I’d like to announce that I hate auto-drafters. Not the actual person, but the act of auto-drafting. Unless you’ve actually taken the time to legitimately rank your players, your presence (or lack there of) at our draft annoys me. And if you end up with two or more catchers or a handful of middle relievers/closers I’m talking about you.
Of all the drafts/auctions I participated in the one I’d like to discuss is the experts points league auction for the league known as The Points League. I’ve accepted that points leagues are the red-headed step child of fantasy baseball, but the bottom line is that many do play the format. Despite this fact most “experts” refuse to give points leagues much, if any, attention. And if they are in a points leagues, they generally don’t publicize as much. I bet the number of closet points league players is staggering. It’s 2017 people, you can come out of the closet.
A few weeks back I decided I was going to attempt to organize an experts points leagues by inviting some very smart, and mostly respected, fantasy baseball analysts/writers from across the online world of fantasy baseball. When all was said and done, and the league was filled, here are the fierce competitors vying to be the champion of The Points League:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Me watching Lance McCullers:
The genius thing in that gif is the moment where Tom doesn’t seem like he knows which way to twirl the pool stick, looks about to mess up, and crack a smile, then spins and starts walking away. Scorsese likely had cleaner takes, but it brilliant that he uses a slightly flubby take because the character Vince is so full of himself even when he shouldn’t be. There were no such flubs in Lance McCullers’ start yesterday (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks). May your God strike me down if this guy isn’t so butter that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter sees him and says, “You are more butter than I can ever hope to be,” then I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter bows repeatedly, backing out of the room, saying, “Your butterness, I am not worthy.” As I said repeatedly in the preseason, I was thisclose to putting McCullers in my top 20 starters overall, but his health deterred me. Well, de-turd this, because he looks healthy and I wish I owned McCullers everywhere. If he throws 180+ IP, he could be a top ten starter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you’re reading this, you’ve survived another baseball off-season. I know what you’re thinking, how can MLB deprive us of baseball for 13,046,400 seconds? That might be an alternative fact, please don’t fact check me. Let’s get right to the slate for opening day! History repeats itself as we are left with a short slate on opening day once again. First and foremost, Vegas has the away teams completing the 3 games sweep which always makes for an interesting day in daily. Don’t expect any of the SP’s to throw a CG today. All of the guys on the board have averaged around 85 – 95 pitches on opening day for the last 3 seasons. Today’s value lies with Masahiro Tanaka at $18,100. Surprisingly Tanaka is the 2nd cheapest pitcher on the board today. Normally I try to shy away from pitchers on the road however Tanaka is 6-0 at the Trop and boast a k/9 of 8.6 against the Rays. It’s not that I don’t trust Chris Archer but the Yankees offense has been electric this spring. Vegas seems to think this will be the best pitching duel of the day with an o/u of 6 ½ and I’d agree that seems spot on. Tanaka gives you salary relief to pay up for MadBum who is the best pitcher on the board today, though I would proceed with caution. MadBum has a tough matchup in a hitter’s park and that game is projected for the highest scoring game of the day at 8 o/u.
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You know how people write stuff on a grain of rice. With that in mind, on Rich Hill‘s blister this is written, “Took a whole lot of tryin’ to get up that Hill — R.I.P. Sherman Hemsley. I can’t believe I not only had room on this grain for an inspirational quote, but also room to attribute the quote to the wrong person and to also add in this meta comment about my inspirational quot–” Damn, he wasn’t able to fit everything. That’s the worst. That’s like when you’re writing a birthday card to someone and you start writing a note only to get to the end and need to start writing super-tiny and curved to fit it in. And that’s not the first time you’ve heard your curve is super-tiny. Rich Hill was perfect on Saturday — 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 9 Ks — but, to be honest, Hill has been perfect for the last two years (though only 29 IP last year). This year, 1.80 ERA, 0.96 WHIP with a 10.4 K/9 and 1.74 ERA over the past two years. So, ya know, your usual ace you get about 120 IP from. For 2017, it’s going to be hard to rank him much below the top 25 with the caveat that you’re only getting him for three to four months. Makes you wish rice grains were just a tad bigger to fit all of the superlatives on there for Rich Hill. Know what I mea– Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Gerrit Cole has an injured arm, possibly elbow spurs. I love this scenario: a pitcher throws like garbage for weeks then the team announces he’s hurt. Love, love, love. This is my favorite. Five innings, five runs, but it’s likely nothing, just a bad start. Cut to five weeks later of terrible starts. “Oh, yeah, he’s got a torn tendon/elbow spur/missing forearm due to lost baggage. Oops! We should’ve sent him to a doctor six starts ago. Our bad!” Here’s what I said after his last start, “I don’t know what’s going on with Cole, but I’d guess injury or dead arm.” And that’s me quoting me! How is it that I can guess there’s a problem but a major league team can’t figure shizz out? That should never be possible. I couldn’t even pass Bio 101, and a MLB team has a staff of doctors. Seriously, how does this happen? I want answers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
In my preseason Randal Grichuk sleeper post (hey, they’re not all Delino DeShields sleepers, which is to say God awful vs. just merely bad), I said, “How much Grichuk can Grichuk chuck if Grichuk strikes out 30% of the time? Now, I’m no gypsy; I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl that was born in a manger in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Let’s look at some comp hitters, shall we? Not to answer, but to keep reading. Last year, Grichuk struck out 31% of the time after striking out 23% of the time in Triple-A. His minor league strike out rate makes me think he’ll be closer to a 27-28% strikeout guy. Brandon Moss is also around a 27-28% strikeout guy, which Grichuk should be. Grichuk won’t walk as much as Moss, but, okay, they’re close enough for me. Grichuk is a young Moss. I shall call him Pete Moss.” And that’s me quoting me! Maybe old fools die hard with a vengeance while Samuel Jackson screams at them, but Grichuk was just some bad luck with his BABIP away from being exactly what I thought he’d be. His strikeout rate is 27.8% (vs. Moss’ 30%), and he’s only 25 years old. I’m still jazzed on Grichuk like Coltrane with a needle in my vein. Of course, none of this matters if he didn’t hit a bunch of homers this week, and was available in about 75% of leagues. Plant Pete Moss on your team and watch the growth! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chad Green was out there painting corners like he was on work release and someone decided the yellow curb needed to be yellower! Green ball in the corner pocket is what he felt! Green was dealing like a sad-looking, poker dealer at a poker room that is badly lit, which is known for having great dealers! Green for the money, gold for the honeys! Yesterday, Green was the envy of the league, though not a shizzton happened, admittedly. He threw 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Jays. Because his name is Green! Nah, that’s prolly not the reason, but it’s an interesting thought. Green has worked well in the minors (1.52 ERA in Triple-A), and gets strikeouts (9.5 K/9) with his mid-90s MPH fastball, and cutter. At this point, I’d still rely on the Stream-o-Nator with him for shallower mixed leagues, but I could see a flyer on him in keeper leagues for a chance there’s something here moving into 2017. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t usually mention pitchers in Coors. Even rarer still that I mention pitchers filled with Coors. Most pitchers with Coors are piss-poor. That’s for every definition of Coors and pitchers. Now, let’s look at the definition of belch. To eject gas spasmodically, to eruct. If erect is good, Coors definitely makes me eruct. A pitcher that throws gas in Coors usually has spastic eructions. Talk about slightly off sexy talk. A phone sex operator should mess with a customer and say, “I want your spastic eruction all over me.” “Did you just say you want me to belch on you?” Yesterday, Tyler Anderson went 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his ERA to 3.04. His peripherals agree, he’s not getting by on smoke and mirrors like some children’s magician. He has a 7.5 K/9, 2.0 BB/9 and a 3.41 xFIP. Not an ace, but a safe number two, similar numbers to, say, Kyle Hendricks. We need to put aside our aversion to Rockies pitchers and throw our hat in the ring for Merry Tyler Coors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?