Hello again.  Which was a fantastic movie!  Shelley Long needs a juicy role like Judith Light found with Transparent.  Or at least a Juicy Fruit commercial.  Sorry, for a second I sounded like a gay Larry King with rainbow suspenders.  Which would be totally fine!  Take it easy, PC police!  As we move into the top 60 outfielders for 2016 fantasy baseball, we still haven’t hit a huge road block of guys that are awful.  Sure, some of the top 60 have some warts.  I mean, Evan Gattis slept in a cardboard box for three years; he has to have warts.  As with all of my 2016 fantasy baseball rankings, my projections are included and where I see tiers starting and stopping.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m a stat junkie. Way back in the pre-internet days when I was just a little Magoo, I would run outside first thing in the morning to grab the daily paper so I could immediately check out the previous night’s box scores. There’s Tony Gwynn leading the league in batting average yet again. A slam and legs (before I even knew what that was) by that Bonds fellow. The Big Unit piled up another dozen Ks. Another high scoring game in Colorado. What’s the deal with that place anyway?

This fascination with statistics has led to the fantasy baseball obsession that I’m burdened with today. Only now, with all of the advanced statistics and metrics that are available at the click of a button, the obsession is worse than ever. Fortunately for you, all of the man hours that I’ve wasted poring over stats this offseason has allowed me to discover some interesting nuggets of information that I think are fantasy-relevant for the upcoming season, and I’d like to share some of them with you today. At least, I find them to be interesting and potentially useful for fantasy purposes, and I hope that you will too.

From here on out, I’ll be listing various statistics with little to no analysis so that you can be the judge of how relevant each statistic and/or trend is in regards to the 2016 season. This article focuses on hitters only, and the stats that will be highlighted range from the basic (home runs, stolen bases, batting average, counting stats) to the slightly more advanced (plate discipline, batted ball profile).

And now, without further ado, here are some interesting stats and trends to consider for the 2016 fantasy baseball season:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Back in my physical prime — not like that means much — I ran cross country, among other sports. As is the case with almost any distance running, you would pace yourself somewhat until the last 200-300ish meters or so, then you’d sprint for the “kick” this meaning pretty much a dead sprint to the finish line. Similarly, the saying “the baseball season isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon” may be well and true in the April and May, but with five weeks remaining, it’s time for the kick, sometimes meaning you need to kick injured players to the curb.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Look, I’m all about facts here. I have my sources *googles Shelby Miller‘s favorite ice cream…finds nothing…looks under google images…randomly finds naked women…stops writing for a while to do further research* Well, looks like my sources failed me. I can’t verify anything about Miller’s cold dessert of choice but I can verify some other, more factually laden and potentially more useful sets of data. Like for example, Shelby enjoys his friendly confines where he goes from a 6.56 K/9 on the road to a lovely 9 per at home. To no one’s surprise, this shaves about a run off his road ERA down to a ace-like 2.01 in Atlanta. But of course, that’s only half the math. The other? The Rockies and their road woes just never seem to go away as they rank 3rd worst in wRC+ at 81 and a second worst K% at 24.2%. To make matters worse, Colorado might be without Carlos Gonzalez and are already sitting at the bottom in wRC+ in the month of August. They tell you not to kick someone when they’re already down but I’m out here offering you metal-toed boots and I’m paying the ref to look away. That’s the kind of service you get with a $9,500 price tag. I wouldn’t call him a deal, per se, but I would call him a high upside buy as your SP1 on a day where it gets ugly quick past the top end plays. But enough about my high school prom options, let’s get on with it. Here’s my cayenne ice cream hot takes for this Wednesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It feels like only yesterday when everything was right in the world.  An animated blue bird landed on my window ledge and sung to me about boobies and other things the republicans want to make illegal, then another animated bird joined him and sung to me about foie gras and other things the democrats want to make illegal, then a centrist animated bird landed and said a lot of nothing that could neither be refuted nor approved.  Why do I have all of these damn cartoon birds but no Carlos Carrasco?!  Yesterday, Carrasco hit the DL with a sore shoulder.  This sounds to me like an early shutdown is not too far off.  “Hello, shopping mall ear piercer, can you put a diamond stud in the hole in my heart that Carrasco left?”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Jorge Soler is likely done for the year with a strained oblique.  This is one of those injuries that comes with a sigh of relief.  Yay, I don’t have to keep running Soler out there and being disappointed.  Disappointment, you are the mistress of expectation, aren’t you?  Soler fascinates me in a car crash that you rubber neck while you pass sorta way.  Here’s a preseason tweet from Peter Gammons, “John Mallee (Cubs hitting coach) says Jorge Soler hasn’t swung at a pitch out of the strike zone all spring.  Scary good.  May be best of Cubs lot right now.”  Cubs committed to playing him, and, by the end of the year, you had to wonder if they should’ve just been committed.  If his year is over, he ends with 7 HRs, 3 SBs and a .265 average in 278 plate appearances.  Worse (yeah, it can get worse), his strikeout rate zoomed, and not in the fun way like Aretha Franklin’s zooming.  On our Player Rater, he was about as valuable as Will Venable, Brandon Moss and Jeff Francoeur.  Or make that, as craptastic as those guys.  In 2016, Soler will be one of those guys that goes in the 150 range that could be as valuable as Pollock this year, or as valuable as the Pollock that parked so close to your car you couldn’t get in your door and needed to climb through the trunk, knock down the backseat and crawl through to the steering wheel.  Time, not the magazine, will tell.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In 1847 in Self-Reliance, Ralph Waldo Emerson said “consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds”. He actually said more than that, but I have taken just those words. Did I just start out my fantasy baseball post with a partial Emerson quote about goblins?! For some reason I apparently have. In one of my preseason rants, I said something about consistency being key. I’d much rather have a hitter that scores about the same number of points each week, than one that is hit or miss. For example, over a five week span, I’d rather have my hitter get 20 points a week than have him score 5 the first week, 45 the second week, 5 week three, 5 week four and 40 in the fifth week. While the two 40-point weeks are awesome, the 5-point weeks are awful. That might now have been the best example, but I believe it sufficient enough to get my point across.

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Marcell Ozuna went 0-for-4 yesterday after being recalled on Saturday.  OZUNA glad to be back in Miami.  OZUNA miss friends, weather and vomiting unicorn statue in center field.  OZUNA promise to hit more powerful home runs.  OZUNA fix holes in swing.  If need be, OZUNA use cricket bat with flat barrel.  OZUNA not sure it called barrel.   OZUNA would call paddle.  OZUNA hit well in minors, .317 with five home runs in 33 games.  OZUNA thought gone longer than 33 games.  OZUNA mind like Plato’s cave.  OZUNA get confused about linear time.  OZUNA think Matrix is documentary.  OZUNA take red pill.  OZUNA was offered two red pills as his “eye-opener to alternate reality” was “out of blue pills.”  OZUNA see pitch in slow motion in 360 degrees.  OZUNA say whoa.  OZUNA thank you for your time.  So, Ozuna’s back and worth a pick up.  No, I have no idea what he’s capable of in the final six weeks, other than maybe some power.  It’s an upside flyer that’s worth taking in every league.  Like blue pill?  Yes, OZUNA.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m picturing Droopy Dog saying, “Going down,” to my Excitement for Jose Fernandez. My Excitement for J-Fer is hooking up with a strobe light honey at a club, and my Excitement for J-Fer’s friend later tells my Excitement for J-Fer, “She was cute, except for that protruding Adam’s apple.” My Excitement for J-Fer just got a $300 red light camera ticket. My Excitement for J-Fer put the green trash can at the curb the day it was supposed to put the blue can and then puts the black can at the curb the day the green can was supposed to go out. My Excitement for J-Fer exclaims, “Why can’t I even throw out the trash right?!” My Excitement for J-Fer sighs and puts an emoji in its text messages that symbolizes its childhood hero Hulk Hogan being a racist. As you’ve likely heard, Fernandez is out indefinitely with a bicep strain. Hopefully, he can be fine for next spring, i.e., I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t return this year. Otherwise, as the old beer jingle will tell you, J-Fer, the pitcher to draft when you’re DL’ing more than one. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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Whatever happened to Flavor of Love? That show was my jizzoint! And Rock of Love, its companion piece, was the Better Call Saul to its Breaking Bad. You can’t tell me those two shows went off the air because Flavor or Brett found love. They were both likely married when the shows aired. It wasn’t about love, it was about meeting incredible people and finding out about other cultures..and watching girls fight! So, Matt Boyd rang ’em up and rang ’em down (Is that the saying? Let’s say it is!) with a line of 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Boyd came over to the Tigers in the David Price trade, which is different than the Star of David trade, which sent a necklace to Bernie Hermowitz for a mah jong set. Sadly, Boyd is a streamer for most mixed leagues with his 91 MPH fastball and likely 6 to 7 K/9. In his next start, he gets the Royals again, and no matter what the Stream-o-Nator says, I wouldn’t touch him, not unless Mo’Nique’s taking him under her wing at Charm School (another great show!). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?