Fantasy Baseball Advice

Allow me an ignorant rant: If you are a baseball fan you know this is the most important time of the year outside of October. Interleague play has taken over MLB and it represents a very important part of baseball: the fans. The people who buy the $4 hot dogs and $8 beers. Sure you may think interleague play is just to sell tickets, but fans buy tickets! People love rivalries and when its time for the Arizona Diamondbacks to play the Kansas City Royals IN KANSAS CITY–well, as a fan I just need to be there. You can taste the bad blood between Willie Bloomquist and Billy Butler. And what fan isn’t in attendance or watching at home when the Mariners are taking on the Colorado Rockies. Hipsters and cowboys alike all watch with anticipation as these heated rivals duke it out. You can just tell Ichiro HATES Carlos Gonzalez, and you can cut that tension with a knife. Let’s not forget Cleveland and Miami duking it out to settle….Um……Well…Who gets LeBron back?

In all seriouslyness, there are some very cool rivalries taking place this weekend including the North and South sides of Chicago squaring off for the title of “Worst Baseball Team,” The Boston Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies try and decide whose fans are drunker and whose are more obnoxious? And clearly every Oriole in the clubhouse already hates Bryce Harper. So, there’s that.  Here’s what happened in fantasy baseball last night:  **Extra Special Interleague Edition**

Justin Verlander - Complete game 1-hit shutout, 12 Ks. Brought a no-no into the ninth, buh Josh Harrison broke it up with 2 outs left. Asked about the tough luck, Verlander shook it off and just stressed how great interleague play is. For the fans.

Delmon Young - Everyone (except Mel Gibson’s) favorite angry outfielder went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs. After the game, he was spotted getting his picture taken with the Hank Greenberg statue.

Paul Konerko – Hit a first inning HR off Jeff Samardzija. Jeff Samardzija came back out in the third and was all like, “Oh yeah? In yo’ face, Paul Konerko!” Literally, pitchslapping him. The injury sounds like it’s going to be just some minor bruising, i.e., Konerko should be fine. For seriouslyness, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy and I hope all is okay. At least he seems like a nice guy, I only read the box scores.

Addison Reed – Got his 4th save. 4-for-4 in save opportunities since taking the job, that one 6 ER Kazaam! has been his only misstep. Reed is the man for now.

Kerry Wood – Ended his career this afternoon by striking out the only batter he faced. It was 19 off from his career high, but whatevs we’ll let it slide. Finishes his career with a 10.3 strikeouts per 9.0 IP rate, 2nd in ML history. He left to a standing ovation and a hug with his sonny. It was such a nice moment, it made Cubs fan forget how bad he’s been this season. Ahhhh, warm embraces with father and son and interleague matchups, this is what baseball is about people.

J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-5 with 6 RBIs, 2 HRs. His third straight game with homer run! ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS! Is your fantasy team in need of home runs!? Need a catcher? Why not pick up J.P. Arencibia!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs and 4 RBis. Not sure why I’m telling you, you don’t own him anyway.

Yan Gomes – 1-for-2 with a HR as the Jays absolutely crushed the Mets putting up 14 runs. Grey covered Gomes yesterday. If he continues hitting, and more importantly, playing, Yanny the singer/songwriter/baseball player could be a sneaky add with his catcher eligibility. He also plays a number of positions (none very well I read). Make sure you monitor closely.

Andy Pettitte- Yankees combined to shutout the Reds. Pettitte pitch 8 IP with 9 K. Wow. Might be worth a look, he gets the Royals next week. Pettitte added that he agreed with Justin Verlander about how awesome interleague play is…for the fans.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run. Still one more than Albert! Robbie, Robbie getting hits like it’s his hobby. No–like it’s his jobby! It’s actually his jobby.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-4 with just his 3rd home run. I’m sure that .273 average should go up well above .300 but I’m not sure Adrian is the 30+ home run player we all once thought he was. 25 seems more realistic. I say this because he’s on my team and I’m in my 5th stage: acceptance.

Martin Prado – 2-for-4 with a HR and 3 runs. Now has a 10 game hitting streak and 6 straight multi-hit games. Martin Bravo is more like it! Right?!

Edwin Jackson – 8.0 innings pitched 1 ER with 8 Ks but the Nats can’t muster any offense and lose in extra innings with a Nick Markakis Sparkakis. Oh, but the K’s, the glorious Ks! I’m not sorry, Mr. Jackson, I’ll take this fantasy start any day of the week.

Heath Bell – Pitched a clean 9th inning to get his 4th save. If you still own Cishek or Mujica it may be safe to drop now. Carlos Zambrano earned his second straight win 7.0 IP, 2 ER, 2 K. Ozzie Guillen loves Carlos Zambrano magic, he said he reminds him of a young Fidel Castro. No wait–Heath Bell said that. Will he lose the closer’s job now!?

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3 and 2 RBIs with his 8th HR. Yo, Adrian! You did it. (I promise that’ll be my only Rocky joke.) Josh Hamilton stole a base, but went homer-less. Pathetic.  You can’t win, Hamilton!  (Sorry.)

Krispie Young – Returned from DL to DH and went 1-for-4 with a 2 run double. It’s good to have Krispie back, he is good at baseball (*Pro Tip!). His BFF Justin Upton (they are best friends in my mind, at least) went 2-for-3 with 3 runs. J-Ups is slowly but surely making me feel better for drafting him so high, he’s just happy to have his best friend back.

Kevin Millwood –  Complete game 2-hit shutout of Rockies at Coors. His complete game first in 9 years! He struck out 7.  Prince, “He’s pitching like it’s 1999.”

Ryan Braun – 3-for-4 with the slam and legs and a side of mash (3 hits!). Mmmmm, breakfast food!

Denard Span – 4-for-5 with 3 runs and 3 RBIs in his return from a hamstring injury. Pretty good, I guess but I’d be more impressed if he stole a base, too. The Twins owned this game as Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau all chipped in multi-hit efforts. Grey was right! Those Twins are hot-hitting! PICK UP ALL THE TWINS!  Except Dozier.  Snooze.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4 with a stolen base and a triple. If you are fishing for a compliment, Mike Trout, no need. You are quite the catch. That Albert, however, 1-for-4, still sort of floundering.

Jered Weaver – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 Ks as Weaver rebounded huge after last week’s 8 ER debacle. I guess you don’t have to drop him anymore. Scott Downs came in this game in the 8th, and was replaced with Ernesto Frieri in the 9th after the Angels scored 3 runs. Not sure what to make of this yet, hopefully just Mike being a Sciosciapath and he removed Downs because it was no longer a save opportunity. Think of the fantasy owners, Mike!  Or maybe Mike was removing Downs from the closer role because Downs hadn’t done anything, like Walden before him.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 runs in a high scoring game with very few fantasy implications with Buster Posey out. Anyone own Angel Pagan? He had 3 runs!

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5 with a home run. Wait. Who is this?

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with a 2-run home run. It was Holliday’s 9th home run as the Cards lost to the Kemp-less Dodgers. Lance Lynn pitched 6.0, 9 hits, 4 ER, and 5 Ks. Double L, It was fun while it lasted.

Lance Berkman – Pinch hit HR in the 9th to tie it as the Big Puma, baseball’s resident super hero BerkMAN saves the day only to be foiled by his arch nemesis Fernando Salas (0.1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 3 BB).

Nolan Reimold has started this season like I thought he’d start the 2009 season.  And the 2010 season.  And the 2011 season.  See a pattern?  If not, I suggest answering C on all standardized tests and lowering your safety school expectations.  It feels like Reimold’s been sleeping on his post-hyper’dom since Branch Rickey was just a twig.  He has 25-ish homer power and 10-ish steal speed.  If he gets on one, he hits 30 homers and steals 15 and is a top 25 outfielder.  If he hits his head on his post-hyper-ness, you drop him.  In my Nolan Reimold fantasy from January, I gave him the line of 65/24/80/.250/10.  Don’t wanna trust January Grey because he’s been known to hit the bottle?  ZiPS updated their projections for Reimold to 65/22/68/.260/10.  So don’t trust me.  But you gotta trust someone in this life.  You can’t go it alone.  Cause when you let people in, the world opens up to you.  I think the preceding was a speech given by Patrick Dempsey in an 80′s movie that was followed by a slow clap.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Santiago Casilla – You know what he possibly gives you this year?  35 saves.  Know what, say, Brett Myers gives you?  25 saves.  We’re Cust kayin’ here, but Casilla should be owned.

Henry Rodriguez – I wish I was in one of the 90% of ESPN leagues where HanK-Rod isn’t owned, but it might be impossible because at least 75% of the ESPN ten-team leagues are one guy who owns all 10 teams with ten alias then goes into the ESPN forums and says, “I’m going to grace you with my presence and answer a few questions.  If you wish to know my credentials, look at my virtual trophies on my virtual mantle on my virtual profile.”

Jake Peavy – Which Peavy are we getting?  The one that’s good when he’s pitching or the one that’s not good at pitching because he’s injured?  Isn’t it clear?  I didn’t say, “Isn’t it the clear?”  Now, now.

Lance Lynn – You know why there’s so many repeat customers in these Buys?  Because people picking up players in ESPN leagues are like De Niro in Awakenings.  Lynn’s pitching well, pick him up and save that fear of success for your real life and leave it out of your fantasy life.

Danny Duffy – A starter with more Ks than innings pitched is all right by me.  Plus, his mom’s name is Muffy.  What’s not to like?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, tell me.  (I am prepared for this to come back to haunt me on Sunday when he faces the Blue Jays.  I’m looking ahead, young, prematurely balding man!)

Jake Arrieta – Between Krispie getting DL’d and Gardner getting DL’d (about an hour), I owned Arrieta.  I was looking at a way to make my team private, so youse couldn’t see it.  See, I really don’t like taking flyers on O’s SPs and would tell you the same if you asked.  AL East + terrible team = Not a’ight-a.  But Arrieta’s WHIP is intriguing (0.89).  He’s faced two terrible teams, and, keep in mind, I immediately dropped him when I needed another outfielder, but, yeah, I did pick him up.  He’s around a 7-ish K-rate and a high 3 ERA pitcher in the best case scenario.  The way he’s keeping his walks in check right now is something to watch.  If you grab him for the Angels game tomorrow, I’d leave him on my bench in most mixed leagues to see how he does.

Alejandro De Aza – Odd that he has more homers than steals, but that will invert while he still chips in some power.  He’s the new pride of the Dominican Republican.  Or DR Pride, which is not the same as the shirtless guy with the stethoscope and the ass-less chaps.

Luke Scott – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s owned in 3.5% of ESPN leagues.  We are the three point five percenters!  How’s that for rippling the fantasy baseball world?!  You best recognize!

Mike Trout – On our last podcast, Rudy said he thinks Trout will be up by May 15th.  I think that’s crummy with crackers, but if you’re a Rudy loyalist with a pic in your fro, then you should own Trout right now.

Denard Span – He’s healthy!  That’s all I got.  I picked him up in my RCL because I lost Gardner and was looking for some cheap speed, but, most importantly, Rudy was the one who dropped him, so any chance to rub salt is valid enough for me.  Though waiting for Span to exact any revenge against Rudy is like hiring a contract killer who thinks a spliff is a blunt object.

Matt Carpenter – I just went over him this morning.  Don’t make me go back there!

Chris Davis – This week’s Buy is coming to you from downtown Baltimore, “Our crabs are better than your lady’s!”  At some point, I think the bottom is gonna fall out so bad for Davis that you’ll look up and he’ll be batting .095, but right now he’s hitting, so there’s that.

Mike Aviles – Grab Aviles while Jacoby is D’Ellsburied and your MI spot is as disagreeable as any camel that has ever been on TV or film. (Talk about an animal that needs its own anti-defamation league.  “Let me ask you this, haters of the camel, what other animal is dragging your stupid ass through the desert with no water?  Let’s see you ride on the back of your corgi!”  That’s me as I stump for the hump.)

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – You thought he (she?) had no power in the old (ugly) Marlins ballpark?  Welcome to the new (ugly and large) park!  I wouldn’t drop him (her?) for Jeffrey Loria’s address so you can egg his house, but… Actually, I’d consider that trade-off.   Nah, seriously, I wouldn’t drop him, but maybe you can use him as an artificial sweetener in a trade.

Paul Goldschmidt – This one hurts, because I really did like him in the preseason, but as long as Gibson’s slo-mo arm pumping Overbay into lineup, you need alternatives.  In most leagues, I wouldn’t drop AuShizz out right, but he needs every day playing time for the majority of mixed leagues.

Logan Morrison – We’re pot-committed to Stanton and his wonky knees (wonknee).  I’m not selling him for pennies on the dollar.  Morrison, on the other hand, has a wonknee and he doesn’t have 40 homer power and he’s playing in a stadium where the coach needs binoculars and glow sticks to direct his outfielders where to play.  As he waves glow sticks, Ozzie says, “Oye, Rooster, are the outfielders moving to the right?”  As he looks through binoculars, Joey Cora says, “I think you’re directing the nacho guy in section 7 B.”  Ozzie, “Puta, this is the worst stadium the devil ever puked up!”

I hate guys that are injured before the season even starts.  I should’ve emphasized that more in the preseason.  I should’ve followed my gut on that with Stanton too.  At least Stanton can play through the nagging pain (hopefully), on the other hand, Mike Morse is shut down for 6 weeks and he has a history of injuries.  (Can you tell I’m still reeling a bit on the Stanton news?  It’s like a teenage love…Don’t…Don’t hurt me again…) As for Morse, he was a former roider (RIP, Lyle Alzado, I don’t know football, but I enjoyed your random guest spots on bad 80′s TV shows) and they say that tends to break down a player’s body.  It’s all very sad (actually, I’m still thinking about Stanton; don’t worry, I’ll move on by Monday).  I don’t think this moves up Bryce Harper’s ETA. (Doesn’t ETA always make you think of business-speak by people who do jobs that you don’t understand even after they explain them?  “I’m a marketing consultant for our foreign sales team.”  You’re making up a job and you hide in a cubicle.  Why don’t I have one of those jobs?)  I think you should lower your expectations for Morse to 17 homers and 90 games played.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Sike!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to say you should sign up for the Draft Day freeroll.  What’s a freeroll?  Honestly, I have no clue.  I think it’s, like, a season of fantasy baseball in one day.  “But I want players to annoy me for 162 games!”  I know, but it’s free and Rudy did it last week and had fun, so I guess there’s no harm in it.  You can win some cold hard cash and get yourself a $12 salad!  The cut off is Saturday at 1:05 PM EST.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He didn’t pitch incredibly well (1 K — belch), but he only had one bad inning, which was because Ryan Ludwick is playing the outfield instead of Heisey.  Ludwick barely moved over to get a Gio Gonzalez blooper that started the inning where Latos gave up two earned.  Get Ludwick out of there and play The Juice Box (Heisey — Hi-C — The Juice Box — what?).  Juice Box!  Juice Box!  Juice Box!

Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Why is he playing?  He’s batting .133.  We need to see more? Okay, .240 and 18 homers, that’s more if he plays the whole season.  Who cares?  Dusty, take the toothpick out of your mouth and bench him!  (I’m only slightly annoyed at him because he drove in the two runs that cost me my Gio win, which was a whole nutter shizz show.  Zimmerman should’ve had that Ludwick grounder.  Get off your heels and dive!  How do I not get the win from Gio…Wait, not even there yet…)

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, no walks, 7 Ks.  How do you not get this win?  Pick a closer — or just pick Henry Rodriguez — and let him close games!  Dive, Zimmerman!  Juice Box!  Juice Box!  Juice– Okay, Grey, breath… Being completely objective, the home plate ump had a nice strike zone and the Reds get pretty neutralized by lefties.  Gio still pitched a great game.  Though the no walks thing will be a rarity.

Anthony Rendon – Nats prospect fractured his left ankle and will miss a few months.  He was fitted for a walking boot, which Bryce Harper signed in pine tar, writing “wuz” instead of “was.”

David Wright – Was cleared to return to game action (if his finger doesn’t hurt him).  I put that second part in parentheses because that’s the part you leave off when you try to sell Wright to someone in your league.  It’s April.  If you’re the Mets, do you let your star 3rd baseman play with a broken finger or do you sit him for a month?  Okay, try and think about that again, but this time don’t pretend you’re the Mets.  Still same answer?  I had a different one.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Great game from the Bum, but why was he brought back out for the 8th inning?  He was over 100 pitches and he hit 3rd the previous inning.  He needed to face Tyler Colvin for 13 foul tips?  Colvin — singer/songwriter/fouler.  You’d think if anyone would be a fouler on that team, it’d be Dexter.

Brian Wilson – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Was far uglier than that, and I’m not talking about the beard.  Wilson loaded the bases, walked in a run, needed the trainer to come out because it looked like his arm was bothering him (was hard to see around Bochy’s head) and could barely find the plate even when he was getting hitters out.  I grabbed Casilla while the trainer was still on the mound.  Romo is the better arm, but Bochy seems to favor Casilla for saves.  Looking for the next big closer to go down, here ya go.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Giving up 10 baserunners in 5 innings is bad enough, but the Liriano-Mauer battery ended up giving up 5 SBs in 5 innings to the Angels (whose team speed is not to be confused with the ’85 Cardinals).  In 134 IP last year, Liriano only was stolen on 9 times.  Is there any other part of his game that Liriano can regress for us — maybe bite his tongue when chewing on sunflower seeds?

Matt Capps – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save.  Almost had a Cappsizing.

Denard Span – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal.  Here’s a fun thing for Topps baseball cards.  They should do one of those novelty dual cards with Span and Billy Butler.  Have it titled, “Spanning the Globes,” and Span stands behind Butler cupping his moobs.

Joe Mauer/Justin Morneau – The M&M boys both homered in yesterday’s game against the Angels in Target Field.  The odds on that exacta were so tiny that, if anyone bought it, Scott Downs would’ve been bankrupted.  Just in case Downs got any ideas, someone made sure he couldn’t walk off the field.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-5 with his 4th homer of the year.  The Other White Meat is red hot.  That is all.

Lance Berkman – Has a small tear in his left calf.  A small tear on a calf?  That sounds like a Guatemalan harbinger of doom.  Berkman says he can return on Tuesday.  Not sure how someone of his age is going to be playing in less than a week with a muscle tear in his calf, and I don’t mean that like, “Hey, he’s going to be playing next Tuesday at 100% and I’m gonna be surprised.”  No, I meant it like, “He’s going to be at 75% and then need the DL at some point.”

Dan Haren – 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 3 ER, 7 Ks against the Twinkies in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome with all the runs scoring on a 3-run HR by Mauer.  As Rudy mentioned on the Risky Pitcher post, Haren was heavily dependent on his cutter last year — wouldn’t be surprised if his April struggles (6.97 ERA) are a harbinger of Haren’s first non-borderline ace year in a long time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs.  He’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  It’s gonna be a doozie to end all doozies!

Carlos Pena - 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  Remember, he won’t stop hitting homers until around Monday, when he’ll go so ice cold you’ll be looking to chuck Pena.

Jeff Keppinger – 0-for-5 batting cleanup yet again for the Rays.  The Rays are so against giving Longoria any protection that they’ve disabled his home alarm system and are poking holes in his condoms.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, and a homer.  He’ll also be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I told you it’s got doozie written all over it.

Matt Garza – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s an ExtravaGarza!

Drew Smyly -  4 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He has very little experience as a professional, which doesn’t seem to stand in the way of the Tigers (see Porcello).  He looks like he has strikeout stuff, but as I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size.  I wouldn’t go near him outside of AL-Only leagues for the time being.  For now, Drew’s a consolation prize SP on his dad Guy’s game show.

Jed Lowrie – Should return from the DL on Friday.  Watch out rusty Astros lineup, here comes your booster shot!

Zack Greinke – 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  We love Greinke, but this gave us bad flashbacks to his infamous “Greink’d” moments prior to his Cy Young year.  Hopefully next outing he’ll be able to put away batters when he gets to 2 strikes.  If I were the type to calculate xFIP and not just read it at other sites, I’d say Greinke was hella unlucky yesterday.  Then I’d fist bump someone and explode my fist, or something equally douchey that is done by people that say hella.

Jamie Moyer – The last remaining Leftosaurus threw about as good a start as you can hope for him @COL (5.2 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners).  Pitching Moyer in the mile high air is like pitching Justin Verlander on the moon.

I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  The first tier have some nice flyers that you may drop after a week or so and the other schmohawks in this post are, well, schmohawks.  So all the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  C’mon, let me pinch your cheeks.  I didn’t say your face cheeks.  Hey now!  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

61. Alex Presley – This tier started in the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball post.  This tier goes from here until Mitch Moreland.  I called this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I already went over my Alex Presley fantasy.  I wrote it while suing Supercuts for giving me simply a “great cut.”  2012 Projections:  80/10/60/.270/20

62. Mike Carp -  I sorta mentioned this in the top 60 outfielder post, but a big problem we’re having right now is there are some real interesting upside gambles on some really terrible teams.  Can someone pull a fast one and switch Carp with Trout?  For the job, I propose Tim Salmon.  Most of the schmohawks in this tier look like they Revere, Ben.  At least with Carp, he’s giving you power, though, maybe nothing else.  2012 Projections:  55/21/70/.260/3

63. Chris Heisey – I like Chris Heisey a lot lot.  Maybe too much, since he plays for Dusty Baker who insists on putting the horns to at least one young player.  Heisey is either a righty who can’t hit lefties or a righty who hasn’t been given a fair shake to hit lefties.  I think it’s the former, but if it’s the latter then you could have a nice get with Heisey.  With his K-rates, there’s a very real chance he hits .240, but he could also hit 20 homers and steal 15 bases.  There’s also the whole Ryan Ludwick issue.  But Baker wouldn’t really play him over Heisey, would he?  Um, well, it’s a late flyer.  2012 Projections:  50/17/65/.250/10

64. Dayan Viciedo – Having a hard time seeing past his K-rate and his lack of major league experience, but know someone who isn’t having a hard time with those things?  Bill James.  His projections for Viciedo are 21/3/.275.  Viciedo had a .186 average vs. righties last year, but, as I tell girlfriends, that’s just a small sample size.  He has destroyed minor league pitching and he’s only a Latin 22.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.260/3

65. Michael Brantley – Some crazy speed in the minors, but almost 500 plate appearances last year translated to the majors about as well as French comedy translates here.  He’s like the American League version of Dexter Fowler (or the outfield’s Alcides Escobar, if that works better for you).  Brantley stole 46 bases in Triple-A in 2009.  Don’t make me hire Davey Lopes to coach you.  Just run.  2012 Projections:  60/6/50/.275/20

66. Josh Reddick – I already went over my Josh Reddick fantasy when he was traded. I did it like this, I did it like that. I did it with a Wiffle ball bat. 2012 Projections: 75/15/85/.260/10

67. Jon Jay – There’s been some speculation that The Federalist may not be the starting center fielder for the Cardinals.  La Russa’s Feathered Hair, “Hey, you don’t have me to kick around anymore!  That’s on Matheny.”  Until Allen Craig returns from surgery, Jon Jay should book that job, so there’s no reason to ask, why do the righteous suffer?  2012 Projections:  50/12/40/.280/10

68. Alejandro De Aza – Last year in Triple-A, he had 9 homers, 22 steals and hit .322 in 99 games.  He was also 27 years old.  Sounds Quad-A-ey (which is not a legal word for Words With Friends; I’ve tried).  But, in only 171 plate appearances in the major leagues, he had 4 homers and 12 steals.  That’s 12/30 over the course of a full season.  Too bad they outlawed full seasons after Ripken retired.   Could give De Aza a shot in March and when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop.  Don’t get sad!  Imaginary friends work too!  2012 Projections:  60/7/30/.270/20

69. John Mayberry – Last year, at the age of 27, he finally saw significant time in the major leagues.  He also kept his K-rate fairly manageable.  Maybe he was learning to walk again.  Damn, that Foo Fighters song is annoyingly catchy.  If Clarence were to show Ryan Howard what life would’ve been like without him, John Mayberry may have had a career.  While Ryan Howard is learning to walk again — ugh, so catchy — Mayberry should be starting somewhere.  2012 Projections:  40/18/55/.250/10 in 400 ABs.

70. Jordan Schafer – I almost avoided putting any Astros hitters into any favorable ranking tiers.  Oh, well.  Here’s one, and even if you’re drafting purely on Zimmermania, Jordan Schafer is barely registering above yawnstipating.  Person who just stumbled on Razzball, “Zimmermania?  Yawnstipating?  What is this mustachioed fool talking about?”  Schafer isn’t much more than SAGNOF (Again, huh?!) but he hit as many as 10 homers in Double-A one year so maybe he can do something without the pressure of the pennant race.  (Astros fan, “Oh, just wait until 2028 for us to come on!  Assuming all other major leagues team fall to the Plague of 2027.”)  Dang, two Astros zings in one post.  Hey, one zing for each of their fans.  2012 Projections:  75/5/35/.245/25

71. Mitch Moreland – Was surprised to see he didn’t make my top 20 1st basemen post.  Not sure what I was thinking.  And if I don’t know, who’s gonna?  What I might’ve been thinking was he’s already light on power and this offseason he had wrist surgery, which is not a recipe for more power as the Barefoot Contessa would tell you.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.275/3

72. Angel Pagan – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Span.   I call this tier, “It’s hard for me to tell you to draft these guys, because, if things work out as planned, I won’t.  But one of them might be more valuable than I’m ranking them, and, if you know which one, you’re a witch and that scares me.”  You know what’s weird?  Pagan and Torres seem to always be linked in the rankings.  You’re like, “They’re the same person!”  But they were traded for each other.  How do you figure that?  Weird, right?  Yeah, I’m smart.  2012 Projections:  75/6/40/.280/27

73. Andres Torres – I could tell you to just look 1/8th of an inch above, but that’s lazy talk!  *thinking*  Actually, just look above.  Thanks!  2012 Projections:  70/5/40/.265/24

74. Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare will finally get to start without having to look over his shoulder.  And it’s now in Oakland, which is yet another pitchers’ park that ends in “co.”   Thit!  2012 Projections:  55/15/70/.275/10

75. Martin Prado – Went over Prado’s projections in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

76. Josh Willingham – I can hear someone giving me guff for putting The Other White Meat this low in the rankings, but really he’s the first guy you drop when you want to pick up a hot hitter.  Admit it at least to yourself.  Willingham is the same as every other hot schmotato Luke Scott-Ty Wigginton clone that gets hot for a few weeks.  2012 Projections:  65/22/80/.250/3

77. Jason Kubel – I fought with myself over whether to put Kubel or Willingham first in these rankings.  Finally, I flipped my Morneau voodoo doll and it came up heads, which either meant Willingham should be ranked first or another year of Morneau head trauma.  I’ll let you decide.  2012 Projections:  60/20/75/.260

78. Ben Revere – Span and Revere seem like another two guys that are forever linked.  You say, “Same player!  Move on!”  But how do you explain that they play on the same team?  Still weird!  2012 Projections:  70/1/35/.280/30

79. Denard Span – Again, if I were going to be lazy– Eh, just look above.  2012 Projections:  65/4/55/.280/25

80. Carlos Lee – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “In less than 7 years, these guys will receive just over 5% of the Hall of Fame vote and barely stay on the ballot for one more year.”  Hey, do the Astros a favor, Chuck Lee, and shut em’ down.  2012 Projections:  60/20/80/.265/3

80 1/8. Grady Sizemore – Sizemore is only 29 years old and only three years removed from a 33/38 season.  But, oh, what a three year span that was.  He took naked photos of himself and his career took the exact inverse (inter)course of Kim Kardashian’s.  Turned out Tom Sizemore wasn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem and Grady is starting to show the wear and tear of an 80-year-old man like his first name makes him sound.  With a 28.8% K-rate and 4 steals in the last two years, there’s really no reason to believe in Sizemore, but if you want to believe in miracles.  2012 Projections:  75/17/60/.245/5

80 1/4. Jason Bay – Member the days when Jason Bay was good?  We wore our hair longer then.  Well, you had hair.  We had some laughs!  Crazy times!  2012 Projections:  60/20/65/.250/8

80 what/fraction-is-this? Aubrey Huff – For almost his entire career, he’s alternated between good years and bad years.  If you think that’s a reason why he’s going to be good in 2012, I’ll tell you it’s hooey.  Grey, “It’s hooey.”  See?  2012 Projections:  50/18/65/.255/3

80 1/2. Alfonso Soriano – About three years ago, Soriano turned 47 years old and he just hasn’t looked the same.  “Get outta here you little brats, grandpa’s gotta go limp around the outfield!  Geez, Vlad’s got it so easy with the DH.”  That’s Alfonso in the dugout babysitting Starlin Castro and Geovany Soto.  2012 Projections: 45/18/60/.240/3

80 3/4. Bobby Abreu – He shouldn’t even be ranked.  He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.*  (*That’s my saying, but use it so it catches on.  Your mother at dinner, “What do you think of that Ashton Kutcher?”  You, “He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.”  See?  It’s easy to use.)  2012 Projections:  60/10/65/.250/15

Kevin Youkilis, the Greek God of Back Pain, is off to the DL.  Yesterday, Ortiz took a boot to the foot and today this.  The Sawx are officially in rest up for the playoffs mode, which is great for all the pasty-faced Sawx fans, but it’s not great for fantasy.  So far this year, Youuuuuuk has 17 homers in 395 at-bats while batting .266.  So that means, if he were healthy in September, he’d give you some runs, RBIs and 3 homers.  I just popped a zit into a mirror and the puss read, “Whatever.”  You can find a replacement for Youk on waivers in most leagues.  So put on your Burger King crown you stole from some kid, open up your fantasy waivers and replace him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Lavarnway – Was called up.  Stephen just went over his Lavarnway fantasy.  He wrote it while throwing darts at a picture of me.  Lavarnway is worth noting because he hit 30 homers between Double- and Triple-A this year.  Now, rookie catcher is a tough position to be in.  Ask any recently incarcerated felon.  But Ortiz and Youk are both out, so Lavarnway will see everyday time at DH for the time being.  This is great news since he’s catcher eligible.

Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I ignored him after his first start in the Brewers rotation when he threw five shutout innings vs. the hey-are-they-still-contending Pirates.  Now he threw another solid start but against a terrible offense.  His K-rate is nice and he could surprise against some weaker teams.  At this point, I’d really only push all my CHIPs in with Estrada in NL-Only leagues.

Mike Minor - 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Before you get too turned on by a minor, just remember this was against the Giants.  Minor’s last two starts against the Mets and Cubs were mediocre except for 11 Ks in 11.1 IP.

Tim Lincecum - Took the loss after giving up 1 ER in 7 IP.  He’s 11-10 with the third best ERA in the NL (2.53).  Matt Cain is just 10-9 with a 2.86 ERA (8th best in NL).  If I were Lincecum or Cain, I’d contact Greg Anderson or Victor Conte for some of the clear and then put it in every hitters’ after-game Anchor Steams.

Tommy Hanson – Won’t return on Tuesday.  Wake me when there’s something I don’t know! (Not really asleep, but I am a bit drunk.  Hey, is that an ad for a vacation to Burundi on Razzball?  I might like to go there!)

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  You know how Jim Leyland’s cigarette-stained teeth make him look like one of those clown head’s at a carnival that has water sprayed into its mouth but instead of water it’s urine?  Now the exact opposite of that image is Kershaw.

Colby Rasmus  - Hit a HR in his 2nd straight game (and had 4 RBIs in the game before).  Must be because his Dad can finally coach him without the meddling of LaRussa and McGwire.

John Buck and Rod Barajas – Both catchers hit HRs on Thursday – Buck’s 14th and Barajas’ 11th.  Both are hitting under .230.  If Miguel Olivo kills a man, we just need 10 more peers for the jury.

Tyler Flowers – AJ Pierzynski’s rookie replacement has now hit in 4 straight games (7 hits) including a double, triple, and HR.  He’s had strikeout rate issues in the minors but also gets his share of walks and moderate power.  So, in essence, he’s Adam Dunn 2011.

Ricky Romero – A 3-hit shutout against the A’s with 6 Ks.  Imagine they still had Halladay and Marcum?  They’d be the best 3rd place team in the majors!

Joe Mauer – Started in the outfield for the first time in his pro career.  The Twins are reacquainting him with the outfield fences.

Erick Aybar – In the midst of a 6-for-56 August slump (.107).  Aybarumba!

Mark Trumbo – Hit a walk-off HR off Mike Adams.  The other Angels made sure to stay out of his way as he touched home.  The Morales family does the same thing whenever Kendry walks off.

Denard Span – Back to the DL because of the concussion he suffered in June.  At least he thinks it was June.

Jack Hannahan – Returned after his wife gave birthahan.  If the baby is half-Korean, my AL-Only team and his wife have something in common.

Mike Jacobs -  Has been suspended 50 games for testing positive for HGH.  On a related note, Marc Jacobs injected suspenders into his latest fashion line and it tested positively fabulous.